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Sticks and Stones : The Words We Never Forget · Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)

• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Murders to Music Podcast.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Aaron.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, and thank you guys so much for coming back and sticking around.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: How much truth is there to that saying?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: We've heard it since we were in grade school, since we were on the merry-go-round and running around on the playground.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: We heard that.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sticks and stones.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your parents even told us that.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: My parents told me that.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think it's set up as a um, I don't know, get out of jail free card for your feelings.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's something that we say and we tell people to maybe encourage them that, well, people are just talking crap or talking bad or say mean things to you.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: It really doesn't matter.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I believed most everything my parents told me.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I believed this at a young age.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: But in hindsight, looking backwards, I think that it's a lie.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words, they can hurt me.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And they have hurt me.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the impact we have on people around us in our day-to-day, as we talk, as we interact, as we engage, maybe it's coworkers, maybe it's a relationship, maybe it is a loved one, maybe it's a spouse or a child.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: The impact we have, not only at a young age, but also in our day-to-day walk, is so significant.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we don't recognize what we're doing.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to talk a little bit about a situation that I uh caused, and then I'll talk about some situations that affected me.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, these things we think, maybe these things, we have these impact, we say these words, we do these actions, oftentimes seem insignificant to us at the time, oftentimes not planned out.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Spur of the moment, it's a joke, it's a funny remark, it's a comment.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: But and we don't think about it, and we don't think about the consequences that these things can have on somebody, you know, and uh so I'm gonna I'm gonna bring you guys back.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Let's rewind back to when my son, Justice, was about three years old, two years old.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: We used to throw these huge Halloween parties every single year.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And we would invite all of the people over, our friends, and we had friends at that time, which was cool, and we'd invite them all over and we'd decorate the house and literally turn our house into a haunted mansion, and there was 3D figures and all kinds of stuff.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And as you approached the front door, it started in the driveway, and there was a cave, if you will, that you would enter in our driveway and you would make your approach to the front door.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you're looking at the front door, just to the left of the door is a big plate glass window.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: On the inside of that plate glass window was a couch, and I'm setting up for this Halloween party, and um I justice is inside looking out the window at me, and it's dark outside, but he can see me from the light of the porch, and he's watching me, and I see him, and as I get set up, I sneak off around the corner and I take one of those figures, and it's a scary Halloween mask with like a pillowcase stuffed body, and it's on a big stick.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And my goal is I'm originally, I mean, I'm going to stick it into the yard, but instead I couldn't help myself.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Justice is looking for me, and I see him from an angle, and he's looking, and he can't find me.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't know where I went.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: He's only two or three years old, and he's looking around, looking left, looking right.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: He's looking for his dad.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, I stick that stick and that face right up on the other side of the glass in his face, and I scream, and he jumps and he starts crying.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I laugh because it's a funny joke.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think about it, and I'm like, oh, it's funny, he's inside crying.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't realize the impact that that would have on my son's life.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was insignificant, it was nothing major in my eyes.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: In his eyes, he was scared to death.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And since that day, my son has had a fear or a respect as he's gotten older for the dark.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: He remembers that day very clear from a very young age.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: He has an instinctual fear of the unknown, of the darkness, of needing to know what is going to happen.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Me, I spent most of my life in the dark.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I spent most of my life working from what I could see from the beam of a flashlight.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: That was a normal environment for me.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: But for my son at two to three years old, my actions impacted him for the rest of his life.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me feel like a bad dad.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me feel like, man, I should have thought that out and taken just an extra step, if you will, to think through what I was about to do and what the long-term effects might be.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So that is something that is not a sticks and stones, but what it is, is it's an unplanned, impromptu, spur-of-the-moment event that had lifelong impact on the recipients or the victims of that situation.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: When I was eight years old, I would, well, when I was about six, seven years old, I would go to school and I wouldn't eat.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, I started eating two and three lunches at a time.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And as you would imagine, as a young kid at that eight, nine years old, I would put on a bunch of weight, right?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm eating these highly processed foods as a kid.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I was okay being rotund.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know any different.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Round was a shape, and I was round, so that was okay.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: However, I remember at eight years old, nine years old, I went to the movie theater with my brother and my sister-in-law.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And at that time, my mom wouldn't let me get snacks at the at the movie theater.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: She sent me with a slimfast milkshake.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: That is my first memory of being fat and where it was pointed out to me.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, my mom didn't mean to point that out to me.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't mean to make this something I'm talking about 40-something years later.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: What my mom was doing was trying to take care of me, but not thinking through the sadness that that would impart upon me.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: About the same time, I am starting into some sports.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in elementary school.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if you guys remember in elementary school, you used to have the presidential award and the physical fitness awards.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And those awards would be something to the effect of needing to do pull-ups, push-ups, sit-ups, a short run, and you got graded on all of those things.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: As early as I can remember, that was a dreaded day for me.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was a dreaded day because I was rotund, I was fat, and my physical strength was very weak.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So in those gym classes, Mr.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Cool, Al Cool was my teacher.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Mr.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Cool, he was older at the time.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: He seemed like he was ancient, but he was probably my parents' age.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And at the time, he was this physically fit.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: He always wore his belt buckle off to the side, shirt tucked in, strong, looked like a male gymnast, is what he looked like.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, chiseled face, you know, but he was definitely older, looked older to me.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I remember in those PE classes, we would gather around and I would always dread the physical fitness time.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I would dread the presidential awards and the pull-ups and that type of stuff.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: You see, I would get up on that pull-up bar, I'd stand on the chair, little plastic chair, I'd reach over my head, I would grab the bar, and I would try to pull myself up, and I might get myself up off the chair.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: They would move the chair and I'd immediately drop.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have enough upper body strength to hold myself up in that position.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some of my peers were doing pull-up after pull-up after pull-up.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: That wasn't me.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Some of my peers were able to hold themselves there for minutes.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: That wasn't me.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: But at that young age, when the kids caught wind that I was weaker, it was much like the wounded animal in the path of the gazelle.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: They would tear me apart.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when they would tear me apart, that had an effect on me.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that effect was I felt less than, weaker than, and sticks and stones may not break my bones, but the words were truly hurting me.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And during that time in my life, it was a fundamental learning time, a growth and development time where I gave myself a jacket where I started to believe that I was unworthy of people's love and affection.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And especially when we start talking about gymnastics.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: But it didn't, or gym, but it didn't stop there.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't run.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I would run because I was so fat, I'd get halfway around and be out of breath, and my calves would be burning.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember them all making fun of me during that period of time.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I remember at one point I did so poor that I talked back to Mr.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Cool and he took me in his office and spanked me.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a memory from kindergarten.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: So now as we make our way into elementary school, this just continued.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now we get into the junior high.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And in junior high, we have a whole new set of circumstances.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: We have where I was in a school that had six or seventh through twelfth grade.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So seventh and eighth are junior high, and then you had the upperclassmen.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: But it was such a small school that the PE classes were commingled between upperclassmen and lowerclassmen.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I didn't all of a sudden become strong and a good runner and good at physical forts and physical fitness and sports.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I continued to suck.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So through junior high, I continued to not be good at sports.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: By this time, there was such a great stigma.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the coordination level it took to play volleyball or baseball or whatever, those were all stigmas and issues.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I would always get made fun of by my fellow peers in those grades and in these classes.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: But it was at that time that I started playing baseball because I wanted to be good at something.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm the only, I guarantee you I hold the record for the most best sportsmanship awards out there.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't play basketball, but I could run the scoreboard.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: That is where my sporting stuff went.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: That is the I was that kid on the team.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: The whole time in this, I'm continuing to get made fun of and picked on by my peers.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as I go to play baseball, I remember getting in my uniform.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And my uniform, uh, I felt great in it.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: But then I remember one of my family members told me that I had legs that looked like tree trunks and that I couldn't run and that I couldn't throw and I threw like a girl.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Those words stuck with me.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: What have you done?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: What have we done?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: What have I done?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Where these we say things and we do things to other people, but we don't recognize the impact that it might have.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And they might smile and play it off as a joke, but on the inside, really, what are we doing to them?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And how long are they going to carry our words with us?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Words have meaning, words have weight, words have impact.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: So the sticks and stones thing can go right out the window.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's not true.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: But now let's carry us on into high school.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: In high school, I was still overweight.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: So being overweight in high school, there was at one point that they would make me strip down naked and run around the locker room and they would chase me, make me squeal like a pig.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when I one day I was running and I slid and I on the wet floor and I slid right into and like racked myself on one of those vertical shower posts.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was peeing blood.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: From that time, they then made me get on a bench in the locker room between the two sets of lockers and make me jump up and down and squeal, and they would try to pinch me.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I laughed this off.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: As a, you know, ninth grader, tenth grader, I laughed this off because I did I wanted friends.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted them to like me.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And in my mind, somehow this equated to them liking me if they were talking to me and engaging with me.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: But the whole time it was tearing me down inside and just continuing to add to the years of you suck in the gym.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then we get into law enforcement.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now we get into law enforcement.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody out there is thinking, the only reason I went into law enforcement is because uh it was retribution and I finally wanted, you know, as a phallox symbol, if you will.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's not farther from the truth.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: The entire time, uh from eight years old on, I was involved in law enforcement to some degree.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: But there we are in law enforcement, and I go to the police academy and I'm overweight in the police academy.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And my instructor, Sergeant Lee Oley, on day number two, he told me I was too fat and needed to go home.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: And he pushed me down to the floor and berated me in front of my peers.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't set me up for a life of success in the physical fitness department.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, academically in the police academy, I ran circles around every single person there.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe I graduated Valedictorian.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: If not, I missed it by like 0.001 or some shit.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I believe I don't even remember.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: But what I do remember is getting torn apart by Leoli.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: And we'd go on runs and he would mock me and make fun of me.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: And we'd be in the gym and I'd be on a bicycle riding in the gym and he'd mock me, make fun of me.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or we would be in what's called death aerobics, where you're all doing a bunch of aerobics, and he would make me walk around the perimeter doing arm circles instead of yelling uh our mantra, which was, I won't quit no matter what and keep going.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: He would make me yell, I'm too fat, I need to go home.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm too fat, I need to go home in front of all of my peers.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is a pretty crappy set of circumstances to build somebody up in a world where they already feel like they are a failure.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that failure started at kindergarten when I got spanked by Mr.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Al Cool.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, what about now?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: What about today?
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: At some point, you know, my wife, she's a physical fitness instructor, and she's like, get on the bike, do things, do whatever.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have never had a win or a success in the physical fitness world.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason that is, is not because I'm not capable.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: What I do do well, I said do do, what I do well is martial arts, defensive tactics, that type of stuff.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: I can do that all day long.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: I succeed there, I win there, I'm good there.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: But just because somebody is bad in one area, it's so easy for us to believe that we're uh a failure everywhere else.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I can take that person that's good at the golf or basketball or whatever.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let's move them to my environment.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Let's move them onto a shooting range.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let's take them into a music venue and put them on a drum set or put a microphone in front of them to sing a song.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: That is somewhere I am going to thrive.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Where I am not going to be ashamed to the product that I'm putting out.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I feel comfortable in that world.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, they, on the other hand, likely will not succeed there.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: They are not a musician, they're not a singer, they don't shoot, they don't do defensive tactics, they're uncoordinated.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Those are things that they might suck at, but I am good at.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean I'm going to tear them down for their weaknesses and what they're not good at.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: But it hasn't stopped people from tearing me down my entire life, from a young age all the way up to adulthood.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: So then I look at what do I do now?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: And in the physical fitness space, you know, I want to work out, I want, uh, I want to do those things, but there's never been a win.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really hard to jump in head first with something if you've never had a win in that category.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not a tale of woe is me about, you know, how much my life has sucked and people have made fun of me.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's not it.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: The whole point is sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm here to tell you that your words have impact, meaning, and weight in people's lives.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Strength are found in different areas in each of us.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sports people, let them sport.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Physical fitness people, let them physical fitness.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Singers, musicians, let them do their thing.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Each person out there, each one of us listening to this, is responsible for impacting somebody else's life in a negative way.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that if we really uh have some self-reflection, we can probably figure out a time that somebody impacted us with words alone.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Something I do, I encourage others, say something nice.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, think about the impact that our words have.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: And in law enforcement, it was such a negative, cynical, dog eat dog, toxic environment that the only time you weren't being spoken about is if you were in the room.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: That is the environment that I know as my law enforcement world.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Coming out of law enforcement and learning things and decompressing and realizing that the rest of the world isn't that way.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: The rest of the world isn't a bunch of backstabbing toxic people.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: There are good, hardworking people out there.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I am not soft by any stretch of the imagination.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: I am not weak by any stretch of the imagination when it comes to my internal fortitude, my abilities, uh, that type of stuff.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: But what I do want to impress upon this message is that no matter how strong the person is, or how strong they appear, or how much it looks like they piss excellence when they wake up in the morning, they are still a squishy little human being with feelings on the inside.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: And our words have impact and weight.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I was watching a documentary earlier today, and it was about the Chicago Fire Department and their training facility, and they interviewed one of the cadets, and the cadet was bragging about how much of an asshole that he is to all of his fellow cadets and how he likes to pick on them and find something to get under their skin because he says it's fun and it's just a good time.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that tells me that person is extremely weak, and that person is um a very small, small human being.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: However, we can be that way sometimes.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we can exploit people and we can exploit circumstances or situations to make ourselves feel better at the cost of somebody else.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's just words alone.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have all the answers, and I'm still figuring this out, and I'm not perfect.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm here to tell you, as somebody who believed the sticks and stone saying at one point, now looking back at 48 years old, I can tell you that that words have impact and meaning.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Have we said things to each other that we regret?
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Have we apologized for them?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't hold hard feelings towards my mom or Al Cool or my family member or coaches or anybody else for anything that they have said or done to me.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't hold grudges on them, or those people that made me squeal like a pig and tried to squeeze my nipples.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I don't, I don't hold grudges against those people.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: They made me who I am today.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: But the person I am today hates working out and hates physical fitness and feels like a failure in that world because of their words and the impact they had on my life.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Much like the impact I had on my son's life when he has a fear and a respect for dark spaces now, because I scared him, because I acted without thinking to benefit myself in a moment of funny versus what could this do long term?
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: If there's a takeaway to this, it's just that.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a real deep concept, this is not a real deep discussion.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: But the impact is this your words, your actions every day with your spouse, with your loved ones, with your family, with your coworkers, with the strangers at the airport.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: All of your words and actions have meaning.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: They have an impact, and sometimes they will last much longer than you ever imagined.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies and gentlemen, that is a Murders to Music Podcast.