Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Ask Amy & T.J.: “I Think I’ve Found The Love Of My Life. The Problem? He Lives In France. Should We Become 90 Day Fiancés?”

Transcript

Ask Amy & T.J.: “I Think I’ve Found The Love Of My Life. The Problem? He Lives In France. Should We Become 90 Day Fiancés?” · I Do, Part 2

0:02
Speaker 1: Hey, there're folks. It is Monday, September fifteenth. As we
0:05
Speaker 1: all know, long distance relationships can be difficult. That's why
0:09
Speaker 1: Anna wrote into us asking for some help. You see,
0:12
Speaker 1: she's in a long distance relationship with a guy she
0:15
Speaker 1: hasn't been seeing that long the distance Oregon to France.
0:20
Speaker 1: And with that, welcome to this relationship edition of Amy
0:24
Speaker 1: and TJ. It's the Ask Amy and TJ Edition. We
0:27
Speaker 1: have a new relationship column that posted today on Yahoo
0:32
Speaker 1: dot com and the Life section and robes this. She
0:36
Speaker 1: has some unique issues here, Anna who wrote into us.
0:39
Speaker 1: But isn't this a thing? Always is a long distance
0:43
Speaker 1: a something? Isn't it something that sometimes trips up relationships.
0:48
Speaker 2: Without a doubt? I mean, if you don't have access
0:51
Speaker 2: to the person you love, it's kind of hard. I
0:54
Speaker 2: mean you can't physically touch them, you can't hug them.
0:57
Speaker 2: And yes, in the beginning of a relationship where everything
1:01
Speaker 2: is rosy and you're putting your best foot forward in
1:04
Speaker 2: a weird way because you're far apart, you hide any
1:06
Speaker 2: ugliness you have for sure, because we all have it,
1:10
Speaker 2: And so you don't actually get to know the real person.
1:13
Speaker 2: You're not forced to have to like deal with their
1:16
Speaker 2: bad habits or you know what I mean, Like, it's
1:19
Speaker 2: almost you get a long lens view and you don't
1:24
Speaker 2: see all the details.
1:25
Speaker 1: I wanted to use something you said, How did you
1:27
Speaker 1: just put it? It stopped me in my tracks when
1:29
Speaker 1: you said it. You have to have access. What do
1:34
Speaker 1: you mean by that when you have access to someone?
1:36
Speaker 1: Because there are people in relationships now who live in
1:39
Speaker 1: the same town, who might be living in the same
1:41
Speaker 1: house and don't feel like they have access sometimes to
1:44
Speaker 1: their significant other. What do you mean by that?
1:46
Speaker 2: I mean that being able to physically connect to somebody
1:51
Speaker 2: is a huge part of a relationship, touch, feel, sex,
1:56
Speaker 2: all of it. Like that is integral to knowing if
1:59
Speaker 2: you you are with the person you want to spend
2:02
Speaker 2: the rest of your life with. If you don't have
2:03
Speaker 2: physical access to the person you love, I do think
2:07
Speaker 2: it's hard to get a realistic idea of how successful
2:13
Speaker 2: you may be. And maybe I'm wrong, call me right,
2:15
Speaker 2: That's just my thought. Like, I can't imagine being able
2:19
Speaker 2: to to feel confident in us in our relationship if
2:23
Speaker 2: I was never with you physically.
2:26
Speaker 1: Okay, then what's the argument for when people come back
2:29
Speaker 1: and say, well, you should need that we're in love,
2:33
Speaker 1: we know how we feel, and we don't have to
2:35
Speaker 1: be up under each other all the time.
2:37
Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, you're in love with the idea of someone,
2:39
Speaker 2: but if you're not physically around them, you don't really
2:42
Speaker 2: know them in a way. Like it's a huge difference.
2:45
Speaker 1: All right, So now let's get in Dana. Actually, let
2:48
Speaker 1: me ask you for have you ever done long distance before,
2:50
Speaker 1: a long distance relationship for an extended period where.
2:53
Speaker 2: It was I, Yes, I for a for a year
2:57
Speaker 2: for you, And what it taught me was actually I
3:00
Speaker 2: didn't follow through with what it taught me that I
3:04
Speaker 2: was fine far away. That should have been a red flag,
3:08
Speaker 2: Oh boy, but yes I did. I had a year.
3:13
Speaker 1: Absence didn't make the heart, girl found it made the
3:15
Speaker 1: heart realize what it was doing. Correct, Okay?
3:18
Speaker 2: Correct?
3:18
Speaker 1: Or I even asked, all right, let's get back into Anna. Here.
3:21
Speaker 1: Anna wrote into us with a question for us about
3:24
Speaker 1: her relation. Like I got t used off the top, folks,
3:27
Speaker 1: this is not just long distance. The distance they'll have
3:29
Speaker 1: it right the West coast to France.
3:31
Speaker 2: It's pretty far, okay. Yeah, Like even if she were
3:34
Speaker 2: in New York or somewhere on the East coast, it
3:36
Speaker 2: wouldn't feel as far away. But you add another six
3:39
Speaker 2: hours to the flight that's already going to be six
3:42
Speaker 2: to eight hours. Now you're talking fourteen to fifteen hours.
3:46
Speaker 2: That is significant.
3:48
Speaker 1: Hey, the heart wants what the heart.
3:50
Speaker 2: Wants, they say, don't they? They do say that. But
3:52
Speaker 2: this was funny because we are huge. I say funny
3:55
Speaker 2: because when this question came to us, the first thing
4:00
Speaker 2: I thought it was ninety day fiance. First thing, because
4:03
Speaker 2: this happens all the time on one of our favorite
4:06
Speaker 2: television At.
4:06
Speaker 1: Least, the scenario as she described sounds awfully familiar. I
4:10
Speaker 1: don't want to judge this lady. Yeah, ladies five situation.
4:15
Speaker 1: She's twenty five, and here is our question. She wrote
4:19
Speaker 1: into us, asking Amy and TJ. I am a twenty
4:22
Speaker 1: five year old woman and have been dating the love
4:24
Speaker 1: of my life for eight months. But there's one problem.
4:29
Speaker 1: He lives in France and I live in Oregon. We've
4:32
Speaker 1: only met in person twice, once on a two week
4:35
Speaker 1: road trip here in the US, once when I visited him,
4:39
Speaker 1: and I don't speak French, so I can't communicate with
4:43
Speaker 1: his parents. But I'm convinced he's the one. He's willing
4:48
Speaker 1: to move to the US, but getting a job on
4:50
Speaker 1: a sponsored visa is almost impossible these days. Should I
4:53
Speaker 1: apply for the fiance visa? Do I marry him so
4:57
Speaker 1: he can move here? And hope for the best?
5:00
Speaker 2: Anna? That last line made me nervous even reading it. Yeah,
5:06
Speaker 2: hope for the.
5:07
Speaker 1: Best that you know what? Sometimes what it's people say
5:10
Speaker 1: sometimes take a chance in life. Take this is a
5:12
Speaker 1: huge chance. Do it at twenty five because you're young enough.
5:18
Speaker 1: I am not saying she's gonna this is a mistake.
5:21
Speaker 1: I would tell my twenty five year old daughter it's
5:23
Speaker 1: a mistake. But what do you say to a stranger
5:25
Speaker 1: who was convinced of something. All you can do, as
5:28
Speaker 1: far as advice goes, right Robes, is just to support
5:31
Speaker 1: best you can be honest without being mean. We're trying
5:33
Speaker 1: to respect where she is and how she feels. But
5:37
Speaker 1: a couple of things in there to say I'm dating
5:40
Speaker 1: the love of my life and then to say eight
5:43
Speaker 1: months that's a little quick. And then yes, that last line.
5:49
Speaker 1: How much do you do anywhere in life where you
5:51
Speaker 1: make a decision and you hope for the best, you
5:54
Speaker 1: just gonna throw it to the wind.
5:56
Speaker 2: Cross my fingers here on this one.
5:58
Speaker 1: You know what it sounded like, cross my finger. Yeah,
6:00
Speaker 1: this is not across my finger situation.
6:02
Speaker 2: It's not because and look, the only reason why we
6:05
Speaker 2: even know a little bit about this process is because
6:07
Speaker 2: again we watch ninety Day Fiance. But I think, at
6:10
Speaker 2: the end of the day, look, I'm never going to
6:11
Speaker 2: tell somebody not to go for love, not to follow
6:14
Speaker 2: their heart, not to see what happens. Life is short.
6:16
Speaker 2: All of the above I fully fully agree with. But once,
6:21
Speaker 2: if you get him over here and he comes over
6:24
Speaker 2: and say it doesn't work out, does she recognize some
6:26
Speaker 2: of the things that are associated with that visa? You
6:28
Speaker 2: are financially responsible for that person, so he wouldn't be
6:31
Speaker 2: able to work initially, that is true, And so she
6:34
Speaker 2: has to know that she is taking on financial responsibility
6:39
Speaker 2: for another human being. And what does that do to
6:43
Speaker 2: your love? What does that do to your relationship? There
6:45
Speaker 2: are so many things that affect feelings, and resentment I
6:51
Speaker 2: know could be a part of it. If he can't work,
6:54
Speaker 2: and he may think this is so exciting to be
6:56
Speaker 2: in the United States of America, But then he gets
6:57
Speaker 2: here and he moves to Oregon, a place he may
6:59
Speaker 2: have never been before, and he can't work, and he's
7:02
Speaker 2: stuck inside a house with no friends, no family, no job.
7:06
Speaker 2: All we've seen all of this play out on that show,
7:09
Speaker 2: because it's not anything anyone anticipates because they're so in
7:13
Speaker 2: love and they're so excited about being together and that
7:15
Speaker 2: meeting at the airport when you pick up your new
7:18
Speaker 2: fiance with the sign and it's so exciting, and then
7:21
Speaker 2: it doesn't even take a week before all of a
7:25
Speaker 2: sudden reality sets in. So I guess I would just
7:28
Speaker 2: say she really needs I really said she should watch
7:31
Speaker 2: the show. First of all, she hasn't, and second, she
7:34
Speaker 2: really needs to ask herself if financially she can take
7:37
Speaker 2: this on.
7:39
Speaker 1: There is a chance she wouldn't get the VS anyway,
7:41
Speaker 1: because she can't prove she can financially support another grown.
7:44
Speaker 2: Correct, it's possible.
7:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, I assume that she's If she's written into us,
7:48
Speaker 1: then she's done a little research on the matter, so
7:50
Speaker 1: maybe she knows this is a possibility. I was trying
7:54
Speaker 1: to desperately find ways to be supportive and encouraging, Like
7:58
Speaker 1: if we're making a list of pros and hans or
8:02
Speaker 1: checks and exes, I mean, what would you say to
8:04
Speaker 1: her supportive Okay, this is what you do. This is
8:08
Speaker 1: why this could be a good idea, Like where are
8:11
Speaker 1: the I'm looking for the ways to go go for
8:13
Speaker 1: it girl like, hell yeah, love only comes along every
8:16
Speaker 1: so I'm looking for that kind of thing that I
8:18
Speaker 1: don't have. All I have is caution in talking to her.
8:22
Speaker 1: I don't want to judge the relationship she has at
8:25
Speaker 1: all and how she feels. But eight months is very
8:30
Speaker 1: very fast. Even if that person lived down the street
8:34
Speaker 1: from you, eight months just isn't a lot of time.
8:37
Speaker 1: Even if you spend a lot of time with them,
8:39
Speaker 1: eight months is just not enough time to establish a
8:42
Speaker 1: foundation in my experience that can lead to a lasting relationship.
8:46
Speaker 2: Yes, I think that's something you consider. And also we
8:49
Speaker 2: say eight months, and you pointed out if you lived
8:51
Speaker 2: in the same city that would still be quick. But
8:54
Speaker 2: think about this. In those eight months, she says in
8:57
Speaker 2: the letter, they've only met in person twice, once on
9:02
Speaker 2: a two week trip and once when I visited him.
9:05
Speaker 2: So she didn't say for how long, but let's say
9:07
Speaker 2: it was a week, because that's usually how long trips
9:10
Speaker 2: are when you can get away from work, etc. So
9:12
Speaker 2: in those eight months, she has physically been with him
9:15
Speaker 2: for three weeks, and I'm just saying, during those three weeks,
9:17
Speaker 2: of course you're putting your best foot forward. Of course
9:20
Speaker 2: you're being the best version of yourself. You haven't had
9:22
Speaker 2: time to get snippy, or be in a bad mood,
9:25
Speaker 2: or deal with pressure or stress in a way that could,
9:31
Speaker 2: at least somehow maybe make things look a little less shiny,
9:35
Speaker 2: bright and new, and you're getting to see the actual
9:38
Speaker 2: person in good times and in bad. We need to
9:41
Speaker 2: know all of those reactions to life. And look, I
9:45
Speaker 2: have had a relationship where none of that bad stuff
9:49
Speaker 2: had happened until the actual marriage began, and then it
9:53
Speaker 2: came with a frenzy, like it was overwhelming, the difference
9:58
Speaker 2: between dating and marriage. It's like if you haven't had
10:01
Speaker 2: a fight, that's another thing. You know, some people you
10:04
Speaker 2: could never have a fight and get married and not
10:06
Speaker 2: know what it's like to argue with the person. I've
10:09
Speaker 2: had that experience, and then once you get married, you're like, wait,
10:12
Speaker 2: what is happening? What? I don't know how to handle this.
10:16
Speaker 2: We've never fought before, and all of a sudden, now
10:18
Speaker 2: all we're doing is fighting because it was almost as
10:21
Speaker 2: if it and I just wonder if they've had a fight,
10:23
Speaker 2: if they've had a disagreement, if they've been emotional around
10:27
Speaker 2: each other, because those are all really important things to
10:29
Speaker 2: know before you get engaged. And granted, if she's getting
10:32
Speaker 2: engaged to him, obviously she doesn't have to marry him.
10:36
Speaker 2: But three months is a ticking time bomb. That is
10:39
Speaker 2: so that's so much pressure though, Like you have three
10:43
Speaker 2: months to decide if you want to marry this person.
10:46
Speaker 2: That is so much pressure. I feel for anyone who's
10:49
Speaker 2: in this position, if you fall in love with somebody
10:51
Speaker 2: who lives in another country, because that is so much pressure.
10:54
Speaker 1: Let me ask it this way, where would you ever
10:57
Speaker 1: make an argument that love is all you? Can you
11:01
Speaker 1: ever say to someone who is so in love that say, hey,
11:04
Speaker 1: the rest of it is just gonna work itself out.
11:07
Speaker 1: If you love this person, you have got to go
11:10
Speaker 1: for it, take your chance.
11:14
Speaker 2: I do believe that to an extent, and I do
11:16
Speaker 2: believe the way that works is if both people truly
11:19
Speaker 2: feel that way, and both people are prepared to love
11:21
Speaker 2: through pain and to love through difficulty, and have the
11:24
Speaker 2: disposition and willingness to love somebody even when it's hard.
11:27
Speaker 2: It's very easy to love somebody when everything's fun and
11:30
Speaker 2: new and exciting. Yes, that feeling, that rush, it's incredible.
11:35
Speaker 2: But I think a lot of experts will tell you,
11:37
Speaker 2: and I feel like I have come to this belief
11:39
Speaker 2: as I have gone through many relationships, that that isn't
11:43
Speaker 2: really love. That initial rush, that initial joy, that initial
11:48
Speaker 2: ecstasy is just that. It's a feeling of lust, of attractiveness,
11:56
Speaker 2: of excitement. But love comes when it's hard. Love is,
12:00
Speaker 2: and you decide love is. I think love is a
12:02
Speaker 2: very different thing than that first year of excitement and newness.
12:06
Speaker 1: You gotta start on somewhere, you do.
12:08
Speaker 2: I agree, and thank god she has that, because plenty
12:11
Speaker 2: of people have been in relationships where you never got that,
12:13
Speaker 2: you never had that lightning bulk.
12:15
Speaker 1: You just nailed it for me, you nailed Why I
12:18
Speaker 1: can encourage this, young lady is because if you have
12:21
Speaker 1: found something that that's surreal and that's special and makes
12:23
Speaker 1: you feel this good, then relish that in that moment
12:26
Speaker 1: for however you can. That is a big deal. A
12:29
Speaker 1: lot of people end up dating, start and never necessarily
12:32
Speaker 1: get that full effect. Maybe it's fine, but if she's
12:36
Speaker 1: having that experience, there you go and.
12:37
Speaker 2: There's no better feeling in the world like it is.
12:40
Speaker 2: And look, I could have easily gone through life and
12:42
Speaker 2: never actually known what it felt like where you would
12:45
Speaker 2: do anything to be with somebody. And that is such
12:49
Speaker 2: a beautiful thing to feel, that willingness to sacrifice, that
12:52
Speaker 2: willingness to say I will do this, I will take
12:55
Speaker 2: this on because I so desperately want to breathe the
12:58
Speaker 2: same air as you. That is such a beautiful feeling.
13:02
Speaker 2: And I hear you like the she just has to
13:04
Speaker 2: be prepared for the worst case scenario and just have
13:06
Speaker 2: a have a plan and have a way forward. But
13:10
Speaker 2: it sounds like she's head over heels.
13:12
Speaker 1: What's the thing we all we preach this on our
13:15
Speaker 1: podcasts that you don't and people always expect the worst?
13:23
Speaker 1: Right do you expect the bad thing is going to happen?
13:26
Speaker 1: And we tell people all the time, how what a
13:29
Speaker 1: change in your life and attitude if you expect the
13:31
Speaker 1: best to happen. What if she didn't expect the worst,
13:35
Speaker 1: Maybe she didn't expect a divorce or it to go
13:37
Speaker 1: badly for them to break up. What if we say, hey,
13:40
Speaker 1: why don't we just why don't we say this is
13:43
Speaker 1: going to go well?
13:45
Speaker 2: It very well could, and it's exciting that she's met
13:47
Speaker 2: somebody who she feels that strongly about.
13:49
Speaker 1: But stay with her us here, folks, because truth of
13:51
Speaker 1: the matter is, we don't feel good about this, and
13:54
Speaker 1: we're going to explain why, and gives some pretty speci
14:00
Speaker 1: pacific examples from our ninety day Fiance watching that if
14:05
Speaker 1: this young lady watch that show, she might feel differently
14:09
Speaker 1: about mister French.
14:12
Speaker 2: And welcome back to this edition of Amy and TJ.
14:24
Speaker 2: This is our Ask Amy and TJ episode for the
14:26
Speaker 2: week where we have Anna writing to us. She is
14:29
Speaker 2: madly in love. She met the love of her life.
14:31
Speaker 2: The problem is he lives in France and she lives
14:34
Speaker 2: in Oregon, and adding to that, she doesn't speak French
14:38
Speaker 2: at all, so she cannot communicate with any member of
14:41
Speaker 2: his family. And I'm assuming he can speak English pretty well,
14:45
Speaker 2: so they at least can communicate back and forth. But
14:47
Speaker 2: she wants to know should she apply for a fiance
14:51
Speaker 2: visa to bring him here to the United States so
14:54
Speaker 2: they can live happily.
14:55
Speaker 1: Ever after again, eight months saveman dating in the total
14:58
Speaker 1: of it looks.
14:59
Speaker 2: For three weeks together physically, and I'm sure you know
15:01
Speaker 2: they FaceTime every day and all of that. But she's
15:04
Speaker 2: twenty five. That is still pretty dang young.
15:08
Speaker 1: We don't have a lot of details. I would have
15:10
Speaker 1: questions about her dating history. How old is he, what
15:13
Speaker 1: does he do for a living? How can he just
15:16
Speaker 1: up and move? What is his skill? What do her
15:20
Speaker 1: family and friends say about all this? I would like
15:24
Speaker 1: to ask all those details. But Robes, this was we say,
15:26
Speaker 1: it's personal to us. That's a weird way to put it,
15:28
Speaker 1: but if anybody listens to us, it's been clear. We
15:33
Speaker 1: don't watch a lot of TV shows, but we watch
15:36
Speaker 1: a lot of reality dating shows. In particular, we do,
15:38
Speaker 1: and that have to do with long term marriage, not
15:41
Speaker 1: just Love Island or Hot for TV whatever. Yeah, we
15:45
Speaker 1: actually watch where marriage is the end goal, married at
15:48
Speaker 1: first sight and certainly ninety day fiance. It's called that, Robes,
15:53
Speaker 1: and I should know because once you get a fiance visa,
15:58
Speaker 1: that person that is your fiancee, they coming from somewhere else,
16:02
Speaker 1: hits the ground in the United States. Like you just said,
16:07
Speaker 1: the clock is ticking, yes, And we have seen this
16:10
Speaker 1: play out so poorly, so badly. We have seen exact
16:14
Speaker 1: scenarios where people have not been dating long and have
16:17
Speaker 1: spent over years only a couple weeks together and say
16:22
Speaker 1: they are madly in love. And why do I think
16:26
Speaker 1: it's usually a guy is the one who wants to
16:29
Speaker 1: come over.
16:30
Speaker 2: Why am I thinking that? And a lot of them
16:32
Speaker 2: that is the case, because we see a lot of
16:34
Speaker 2: women and they've met met, But there's also a plenty
16:37
Speaker 2: of men who have gone and met women who have
16:40
Speaker 2: been anywhere from Eastern Europe to Asia. We've seen from
16:45
Speaker 2: all over the world, a lot less European more other countries.
16:49
Speaker 2: But I even told Anna in my advice to her
16:53
Speaker 2: on the column this week, I said, you should try
16:55
Speaker 2: watching ninety Day Fiance and stop watching rom coms. And
16:58
Speaker 2: I say that, and I've talked about this before, but
17:01
Speaker 2: I do think and I was absolutely a part of
17:04
Speaker 2: this where we really get we really do get this,
17:10
Speaker 2: this fairy tale fantasy planted in our heads. I can
17:13
Speaker 2: speak for myself that you think, especially when you're younger,
17:16
Speaker 2: that you're going to meet the man of your dreams,
17:18
Speaker 2: and not that you think everything's going to be perfect,
17:21
Speaker 2: but you think that this is going to be a
17:26
Speaker 2: He's going to be there to be my prince and
17:27
Speaker 2: be my night and shining armor and he's going to
17:30
Speaker 2: rescue me from whatever life I'm living in right now,
17:33
Speaker 2: and we're going to just be madly in love and
17:35
Speaker 2: have kids and just be that Instagram family that I
17:39
Speaker 2: see everyone else have and I want that too, And
17:42
Speaker 2: this is how I get it, and I get that
17:43
Speaker 2: that we're all sold that story. But when you watch
17:47
Speaker 2: ninety dight Fiance, and I laugh because it's kind of
17:50
Speaker 2: amazing and how tough it is for everybody, because relationships
17:55
Speaker 2: are already tough, but now you add someone else's culture,
17:58
Speaker 2: someone else's lonely or feeling ostracized from their family, someone
18:02
Speaker 2: feels like they're not able to contribute. Someone feels like
18:04
Speaker 2: they're doing all the work, and they're annoyed that they
18:06
Speaker 2: basically now have someone they have to watch out for
18:09
Speaker 2: and take care of and manage because they don't have
18:12
Speaker 2: a way or know how to get around this country. So, yeah,
18:16
Speaker 2: we've seen it all. Plan it's hard. It's really, really
18:19
Speaker 2: really hard.
18:19
Speaker 1: More times than not, we have seen disasters with these relationships,
18:24
Speaker 1: and it often does later on, it's somebody there, an
18:27
Speaker 1: accusation comes, He's been using me the whole time. He
18:31
Speaker 1: was just trying to get to the United States. I
18:33
Speaker 1: remember one particular couple that everybody didn't seem to really like.
18:39
Speaker 1: This woman she was from the South, brother from Africa.
18:41
Speaker 1: I'm not going to use all their name. Hey, they've
18:42
Speaker 1: been out there, but I'm not trying to single them out.
18:44
Speaker 1: But I'm saying we saw a disaster with those two
18:50
Speaker 1: into where she was desperate to get him over here,
18:53
Speaker 1: and they hadn't been together, spent that much time together,
18:57
Speaker 1: but they've been together years even anyway, I'm using this
18:59
Speaker 1: example and one I remember to where he did he
19:02
Speaker 1: run from her here in the US or something like
19:05
Speaker 1: he went bonkers.
19:07
Speaker 2: It went sideways and they were married for seven years,
19:09
Speaker 2: I believe, and we're back and forth long distance. When
19:11
Speaker 2: he finally came over, and as soon as he came over,
19:14
Speaker 2: it was pretty much a disaster from the story.
19:16
Speaker 1: Is that, right? They got married and then he couldn't
19:18
Speaker 1: come over for a while, right, and when he finally did.
19:21
Speaker 2: Could put exactly And look, that doesn't necessarily have to
19:25
Speaker 2: be the case, but I just think that, Look, as
19:28
Speaker 2: much as I love love there, there does have to
19:31
Speaker 2: be some practicality and some expectations, some realistic expectations about
19:35
Speaker 2: what will happen. And what could happen. But I you know,
19:38
Speaker 2: I love I love the idea of going for yes,
19:44
Speaker 2: going for broke, and following your heart and giving it
19:48
Speaker 2: a try. I just would if this from my daughter,
19:51
Speaker 2: obviously I would feel the same as you. I would
19:53
Speaker 2: really try to discourage her. But I also at the
19:55
Speaker 2: same time would say, just right out a list of
19:59
Speaker 2: pros and co right, show me that you've got to
20:02
Speaker 2: plan financially to see this through. Yeah, and if you've
20:06
Speaker 2: really thought it through and you've been really smart about it,
20:08
Speaker 2: your feelings are there, right, But if you just can
20:10
Speaker 2: that logic side of your brain that I know I
20:12
Speaker 2: don't use often sometimes, But if you can put it
20:16
Speaker 2: down on paper and really study it and just know
20:18
Speaker 2: what you're getting into, and if you go into it
20:20
Speaker 2: with your eyes wide open and you follow your hearts,
20:23
Speaker 2: it'd be amazing if it all worked out. And if
20:25
Speaker 2: it doesn't, at least you're prepared. You actually know that
20:29
Speaker 2: you made a decision based on a lot of thought
20:32
Speaker 2: and not just a lot of feeling. You need both.
20:35
Speaker 1: But that's a good that's again, that's more good advice
20:38
Speaker 1: and seeing what happens. I hate to discourage someone for
20:42
Speaker 1: going for a relationship that they want, but you have
20:44
Speaker 1: to be practical about it and be prepared. Okay, this
20:47
Speaker 1: might not work out. We make a decision. How many
20:50
Speaker 1: decisions do you make every single day? And you know
20:53
Speaker 1: this might not work out? Yeah, and you do it anyway,
20:56
Speaker 1: and it's hard. And again I'm talking to Anna because
20:59
Speaker 1: this woman is not mine child, But it would be
21:01
Speaker 1: very hard to sit by and watch someone that you
21:05
Speaker 1: love do something that you do.
21:06
Speaker 2: Think.
21:07
Speaker 1: Let's okay, can we haven't even said this? It sounds nuts. Yeah, wait,
21:11
Speaker 1: you've you've you've seen him for three weeks in your
21:15
Speaker 1: life and you've only known him for eight months. And
21:17
Speaker 1: he lives in France. He might even live on the
21:19
Speaker 1: east side of France. He might be way even farther
21:21
Speaker 1: away if possible.
21:23
Speaker 2: So yeah, no one said Paris, so we don't even
21:26
Speaker 2: know how to get there.
21:27
Speaker 1: He would have said Paris.
21:28
Speaker 2: She would have said Paris, and I would have moved there, Like, yeah,
21:32
Speaker 2: it was Oregon or Paris. I'm going with Paris.
21:35
Speaker 1: Oregon. It's lovely. It is lovely, lovely part of the country,
21:38
Speaker 1: a little dreary at times, but Anna, good luck to you.
21:42
Speaker 1: This is one out of all we've done. I think
21:45
Speaker 1: I want to talk to her more than anybody else
21:48
Speaker 1: that's written in. I have so many questions.
21:50
Speaker 2: I want to know how they met, that's I think.
21:53
Speaker 2: And I do want to know how old he is.
21:54
Speaker 2: I do want to know he does what he does
21:56
Speaker 2: for a living. You know, it's funny one of the
21:58
Speaker 2: ninety Days we've been watching and we've been kind of
22:00
Speaker 2: off our watching habits recently, but the woman was from
22:04
Speaker 2: Paris and he was from New Hampshire and we're in
22:07
Speaker 2: the middle of it right now. Things are rocky for
22:10
Speaker 2: all of the reasons why we just mentioned. She feels
22:12
Speaker 2: like she's alone, she feels ostracized. She has a child
22:16
Speaker 2: with him too, so there is another tie that binds.
22:19
Speaker 2: But she is definitely feeling like why am I here
22:23
Speaker 2: in this state of New Hampshire when I could be
22:25
Speaker 2: in Paris and his kids can't stand her, and it's
22:28
Speaker 2: just there's so many things that can go on, so
22:30
Speaker 2: at least in twenty five it sounds like hopefully starting
22:33
Speaker 2: a new There isn't and there aren't children involved yet,
22:36
Speaker 2: So you know what, you're young, You're in love, as
22:40
Speaker 2: long as you try to make sure you've got your
22:42
Speaker 2: financial your financial business in order, then yeah, I mean,
22:47
Speaker 2: if there was ever a time to go for it.
22:49
Speaker 2: How they meet, I don't know how they.
22:51
Speaker 1: Be because let me remind that a big part of
22:54
Speaker 1: ninety de fiance oftentimes is their meeting online. Right they
22:58
Speaker 1: are specifically going to websites fine foreigners to date. What's
23:03
Speaker 1: that the case? Because somebody's from Paris, somebody's from Oregon
23:06
Speaker 1: or France, excuse me that she happened to travel there
23:09
Speaker 1: and they bumped into each other. They bump into each
23:12
Speaker 1: other in the United States. Anybody from France heading over.
23:16
Speaker 2: To them, It's likely unlikely.
23:19
Speaker 1: So that's something to keep in mind. So my last
23:21
Speaker 1: advice to her watch ninety Day Fiance. You might recognize
23:25
Speaker 1: some parallels in there to your own relationship. There is
23:27
Speaker 1: a ninety Day Fiance version a spinoff about the Caribbean
23:31
Speaker 1: or something or the island, where it specifically focuses on
23:35
Speaker 1: guys who work at resorts who are actually praying on
23:41
Speaker 1: women in other countries. We've seen that, So I encourage
23:45
Speaker 1: Anna watch that show. Keep that heart as open as
23:50
Speaker 1: you can, but keep that mind as open as well.
23:54
Speaker 2: Exactly, And I actually am really looking forward to the
23:58
Speaker 2: comments that we hope some of you will leave, because
24:01
Speaker 2: I imagine there are a lot of people who have
24:03
Speaker 2: a very similar situation or have walked down that road,
24:07
Speaker 2: who would be able to say, hey, here are the trappings,
24:10
Speaker 2: here's what to avoid, here's what to do, here's what
24:13
Speaker 2: not to do. I'm actually really looking forward to reading
24:15
Speaker 2: the comments on this one. But if you haven't read
24:18
Speaker 2: the article, please we encourage you head over to yahoo
24:21
Speaker 2: dot com Live section, click on ask Amy and TJ
24:24
Speaker 2: and you can read away and again, please please, please,
24:27
Speaker 2: if you have some thoughts, if you have some advice,
24:29
Speaker 2: and if you've actually gone down this road before, we
24:32
Speaker 2: would love to hear from you. So thank you so
24:34
Speaker 2: much for listening to this episode of Amy and TJ.
24:37
Speaker 2: I'm Amy Robot alongside TJ Holmes. Have a great day, everybody,