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The Role of Unconditional Respect in a Healthy Marriage · Your Hope-Filled Perspective with Dr. Michelle Bengtson podcast

0:02
Speaker 1: Life audio.
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Speaker 2: We all need to work just a little bit harder
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Speaker 2: at resting and contentment, realizing that sometimes marriage seems like
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Speaker 2: a spectator sport. But in a culture that encourages us
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Speaker 2: to find our own happiness, fulfill ourselves given to what
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Speaker 2: brings pleasure, lasting relationships must take a different approach, and
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Speaker 2: true selflessness is a reflection of God's character. Although recent
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Speaker 2: poles seem to indicate an equal divorce rate between Christians
0:37
Speaker 2: and non Christians, this is not exactly true. People who
0:41
Speaker 2: identify as Christian but rarely attend church have about a
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Speaker 2: sixty percent divorce rate, while those who attend church regularly
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Speaker 2: only about thirty eight to forty percent have been divorced.
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Speaker 2: But it's easy to get caught up in the tyranny
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Speaker 2: of the urgent and forget the very angry dience that
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Speaker 2: build a healthy marriage. So today we're going to be
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Speaker 2: talking about the role of unconditional respect in a healthy marriage.
1:09
Speaker 2: Will return momentarily and continue our discussion after this briefforward
1:15
Speaker 2: from our sponsor. Welcome back to your hope filled perspective,
1:21
Speaker 2: where it's always our goal to restore hope, renew minds,
1:24
Speaker 2: and empower listeners. To live in your God given identity.
1:27
Speaker 2: I'm your host, doctor Michelle Bankson, and I think you're
1:30
Speaker 2: in for a treat today. Today we are going to
1:33
Speaker 2: be talking about the role of unconditional respect in a
1:37
Speaker 2: healthy marriage. And to talk about that is author Nina Rosner,
1:42
Speaker 2: author of The Respect There Forty Days to a Deeper
1:46
Speaker 2: Connection with God and your Husband. She serves as the
1:50
Speaker 2: executive director of Greater Impact Ministries. She has more than
1:54
Speaker 2: twenty years of communications and training industry and has coached staff, pastors, executives,
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Speaker 2: and managers. She and her husband and their three children
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Speaker 2: live near Cincinnati, Ohio. Welcome to the program, Nina.
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Speaker 1: Hey, is so great to be here. Thank you so much.
2:10
Speaker 2: I'm so glad that you're here today. We tried to
2:13
Speaker 2: do this before, and circumstances prevented it. But you know,
2:17
Speaker 2: I'm a firm believer that God's timing is perfect, and
2:20
Speaker 2: so I just know that our conversation today is going
2:22
Speaker 2: to resonate with some people and they're going to take
2:25
Speaker 2: away greater ways to have respect in the marriage. So
2:29
Speaker 2: let's start off by talking about the fact that relationships,
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Speaker 2: sex and cohabitation are changing dramatically. What do you see
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Speaker 2: as the likely outcome for this in the church.
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Speaker 1: Well, we've accepted all of that and a lot more,
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Speaker 1: and it's and the data's never been good around it.
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Speaker 1: People that live together have a higher incidence of divorce,
2:52
Speaker 1: and so then that's been true, and now that the
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Speaker 1: church is not. So let's say truthful about how that
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Speaker 1: should be done. And we are supposed to be accepting
3:02
Speaker 1: of people and loving absolutely, but inocen and there's things
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Speaker 1: that we do that are not useful to relationships, and
3:10
Speaker 1: I think we should be honest about that. Living together
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Speaker 1: is one of them. It lowers the commitment, it's part
3:16
Speaker 1: of the shopping experience, and we don't even our ministry
3:20
Speaker 1: greater impact. We do a lot of work with couples,
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Speaker 1: we won't work with people that are living together. It's
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Speaker 1: like none of this applies. That data doesn't work when
3:27
Speaker 1: you don't have a biblical covenant. And I've seen that
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Speaker 1: play out. We used to accept people that were living
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Speaker 1: together into our courses and it doesn't work the same.
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Speaker 1: So yeah, we just drew a line and said we're
3:39
Speaker 1: not playing.
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Speaker 2: I wish more churches, but draw the line and stick
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Speaker 2: with what the Bible says. My mother used to always
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Speaker 2: say that what is tolerated in one generation is accepted
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Speaker 2: in the next, and it saddens me that we're seeing
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Speaker 2: that even in the church, blurring the lines and not
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Speaker 2: standing on God's truth, because God's true is the very
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Speaker 2: best for us. Most people have heard the idea that
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Speaker 2: women need love and men need respect, but in reality,
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Speaker 2: don't we all need a combination of both.
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Speaker 1: Yes? Yeah, I think the Bible uses that language to
4:19
Speaker 1: communicate very specifically to husbands and wives about some very
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Speaker 1: specific stuff. Loving your wife, laying down your life for her, like.
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Speaker 1: Men need to be told, don't be so selfish, Like
4:30
Speaker 1: this is kind of real clear message there for them,
4:33
Speaker 1: and I think that's great because that protective nature, they're
4:37
Speaker 1: going to take care of us if they know that
4:40
Speaker 1: they're supposed to do right. So what does that mean
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Speaker 1: for women? We love to be respected as well, But
4:45
Speaker 1: how many people do we see in marriage where the
4:48
Speaker 1: wife morphs into the mom and it speaks to her
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Speaker 1: husband in a demeaning way on the regular. So we
4:55
Speaker 1: need to be told that as well. It's really easy
4:58
Speaker 1: to do. And your mothering little kid, it's all day
5:00
Speaker 1: long to just treat him like one of them, and
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Speaker 1: it feels the same sometimes because we don't understand men.
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Speaker 1: So your teenager will leave the cup sitting on the counter.
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Speaker 1: Your husband might do the same. Think terribly of both
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Speaker 1: of them. Okay, but how you handle that really really matters.
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Speaker 1: Do you respect yourself and others in your relationship through
5:18
Speaker 1: your communication. I think we need to respect everybody and
5:21
Speaker 1: that's a lot anything to do.
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Speaker 2: That's the key. It affects our communication and we can
5:27
Speaker 2: develop resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness over those little things that
5:33
Speaker 2: then stack up and they morph into a life of
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Speaker 2: their own, until one day the straw breaks and our
5:40
Speaker 2: spouse is left going that was not a big deal.
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Speaker 2: He could have just said, put your cup in the dishwasher.
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Speaker 2: But the truth is it's built up resentment over time
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Speaker 2: because we don't communicate over the little things until they
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Speaker 2: become a big.
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Speaker 1: Thing, right, And I think we're on the hook for that.
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Speaker 1: I'm responsible for my unforgiveness. I'm responsible for my resentment.
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Speaker 1: I made a choice not to communicate. And then somebody
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Speaker 1: now is in the audience is saying, well, you don't
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Speaker 1: understand what he does. It's like, well, here's the thing.
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Speaker 1: If you have somebody who's reactive when you ask them
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Speaker 1: to do something, understand that that's just them growing up.
6:13
Speaker 1: Maturity happens at different levels in different timeframes. And when
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Speaker 1: you ask somebody to act like an adult in a
6:19
Speaker 1: space and they're not mature there, they're going to act
6:22
Speaker 1: like a two year old. That's what you get. Don't
6:23
Speaker 1: make it about you, just don't. And you can also
6:25
Speaker 1: deal with that differently as well. But we tend to
6:29
Speaker 1: take everything so personally. It's like most everything isn't about us,
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Speaker 1: So especially stuff.
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Speaker 2: Like that, we do take things personally, and it seems
6:37
Speaker 2: maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems like over the
6:40
Speaker 2: past decade we're more quick to take offense over things
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Speaker 2: that we really don't need to be offended over. All
6:47
Speaker 2: you have to do is turn to social media and
6:49
Speaker 2: see how quickly people are offended. If anyone had a
6:52
Speaker 2: right to be offended, it was Jesus, and yet he
6:58
Speaker 2: modeled for us good communication, forgiveness, love and respect.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. I watched the CEO of Google have concerns over
7:09
Speaker 1: the algorithm about fifteen years ago. He was speaking to
7:12
Speaker 1: a group of people and he said, you know, the
7:13
Speaker 1: way that our search engines are designed is going to
7:16
Speaker 1: silo people even more, and so they're going to have
7:18
Speaker 1: a lower tolerance. Like he predicted all of us, they're
7:21
Speaker 1: going to have a lower tolerance for opposite opinions. And
7:23
Speaker 1: that's what we're seeing. We can't handle a difference of
7:27
Speaker 1: opinion right now. It's really crazy.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. If we need any proof of that, we just
7:31
Speaker 2: need to look back over the election cycle. People are
7:34
Speaker 2: really hateful, unfriending, blocking, cursing people out. And these are
7:38
Speaker 2: believers and talking about yeah, you know, we can't expect
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Speaker 2: the world to be christ like because they don't have Christ.
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Speaker 2: But I'm talking about believers who are being hateful and
7:50
Speaker 2: resentful and critical, and it closes down communication. How do
7:54
Speaker 2: you expect to have relationship if you've already predetermined you're
7:58
Speaker 2: going to stop the communication. So we live in a
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Speaker 2: culture that really seems to be trying very hard to
8:05
Speaker 2: remove the differences between the sexes. We're living in a
8:10
Speaker 2: culture that well, you know where I'm going with this.
8:12
Speaker 2: I mean, if you want to be a cat, all
8:14
Speaker 2: you have to do is say you're a cat, and
8:16
Speaker 2: then we're supposed to accept it. To talk about why
8:20
Speaker 2: this is so damaging.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so we'll start there I have a cat.
8:26
Speaker 1: I didn't. I just acquired this cat accidentally. It's an
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Speaker 1: outdoor barn cat. It is not friendly, it doesn't want cuddles.
8:33
Speaker 1: It does not act like my dog at all. Now,
8:35
Speaker 1: let's pretend that you treat everybody the same. Well, that's stupid,
8:40
Speaker 1: that doesn't work. We had a situation where we had
8:43
Speaker 1: some fleas in our dogs, so we have to treat them,
8:47
Speaker 1: but the stuff that we put on them will kill
8:49
Speaker 1: the cat. Okay. So not only is there relational differences
8:53
Speaker 1: because men's and women's brains are different, y'all. It's no
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Speaker 1: different than cats and dogs, and those are different species.
9:00
Speaker 1: But when it comes to men and women, we're close.
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Speaker 1: Like we bring life into the world. There's relational things
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Speaker 1: that happen there. Our brains are different, the hormones are different,
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Speaker 1: women's health is different. Like I'm a little nervous about
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Speaker 1: how I mean, I trust God with it that there's
9:15
Speaker 1: going to be a hard learning that comes because we
9:17
Speaker 1: have different symptoms of heart attacks than men do. And
9:20
Speaker 1: there's a lot of stuff like that. So we can
9:24
Speaker 1: delude ourselves because that's exactly what this is. It's delusion.
9:30
Speaker 1: That reality is a way that's that it's not, or
9:34
Speaker 1: we can say, no, men are men, they have these chromosomes.
9:38
Speaker 1: There's nothing you can do about that. Women are women,
9:41
Speaker 1: same thing, period and guess what. God created them that way?
9:44
Speaker 1: And is there a random off chance of birth defects
9:48
Speaker 1: and some weird genetic things now and again, like it
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Speaker 1: points zero to the twenty seventh power two percent. Yes,
9:55
Speaker 1: but you don't make policy around that, you don't form
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Speaker 1: morality around that, and you don't accept crazy. No, it
10:02
Speaker 1: doesn't work that way. And for us to say, well,
10:04
Speaker 1: we're all the same, it's like we're not. We should
10:07
Speaker 1: love each other. We're equally important, valuable, absolutely, but the
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Speaker 1: way you interact with men and the way you interact
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Speaker 1: with women is different because we're different creatures. We're different
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Speaker 1: structures brain wise and relationally. So we can pay attention
10:22
Speaker 1: to that, or we can just dilute ourselves into it
10:24
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. Yeah, how's that been going? It doesn't work.
10:27
Speaker 2: And not only do we need to understand that there
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Speaker 2: are differences and that will affect our behavior and our
10:35
Speaker 2: emotions and our approach to daily situations, but we need
10:39
Speaker 2: to appreciate that that's how God made it. Yes, he
10:42
Speaker 2: created us to be different to compliment each other. But
10:47
Speaker 2: so often what I see is that the longer people
10:50
Speaker 2: have been married, the more they disrespect howther spouse has
10:55
Speaker 2: been created differently. And I really think that there's a
10:58
Speaker 2: reason why opposites do you attract. We do need that
11:03
Speaker 2: difference in perspective. I'm so grateful my husband is not
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Speaker 2: just like me.
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Speaker 1: It would not be a good thing. Oh yeah.
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Speaker 2: But many of us enter into marriage with the belief
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Speaker 2: that the other person is going to make us happy.
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Speaker 2: That's where we think our hopes and dreams are going
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Speaker 2: to be fulfilled. But what's wrong with that?
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Speaker 1: Well, no person on the planet's capable of that. For starters,
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Speaker 1: Jesus is the only one that can bring us contentment,
11:32
Speaker 1: piece joy, all of that. And by the way, once
11:35
Speaker 1: you taste and see that the Lord is good, you
11:37
Speaker 1: cannot get enough of him. I was reading I'm Doing
11:40
Speaker 1: a book Practicing the Way by John Mark Comer right now.
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Speaker 1: He says that only ten percent of believers actually want
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Speaker 1: to follow Christ as if he is their rabbi and
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Speaker 1: to deeply emulate the life that he lived. And I
11:53
Speaker 1: think that's true. I don't think I'm perfect at it
11:55
Speaker 1: by any stretch. And sometimes I even forget. But if
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Speaker 1: you look at the intimacy of the relationship, once you
12:01
Speaker 1: get some of that, you can't have enough of it,
12:04
Speaker 1: and he really becomes the reason you breathe and the
12:06
Speaker 1: reason that you do anything, and you'll do just about
12:09
Speaker 1: anything because you're so in love and are experiencing that love.
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Speaker 1: I want that for everybody, but we can't get that
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Speaker 1: if we're not aware that it even exists. It's not
12:19
Speaker 1: a box to check, it's not a hat to wear
12:22
Speaker 1: on Sunday morning.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's and that should be our first relationship, that
12:28
Speaker 2: should be our first love. But what frequently happens is
12:32
Speaker 2: that we get married and we look to our spouse
12:35
Speaker 2: to fulfill a God size hole that only God can fulfill.
12:40
Speaker 2: And then that sets up a really dangerous paradigm because
12:44
Speaker 2: our spouse is going to let us down. I am
12:46
Speaker 2: going to let my spouse down. So if we're looking
12:48
Speaker 2: to our mate to fulfill the God sized hole, we
12:53
Speaker 2: place an unfair expectation on them and it just leads
12:57
Speaker 2: to disappointment, disillusioned, very dangerous.
13:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree. I did that and God revealed that
13:06
Speaker 1: to me and I was like, oh, okay, let's let's
13:09
Speaker 1: try something different here, because this isn't working. It's made
13:12
Speaker 1: everything worse.
13:13
Speaker 2: Many years ago, my husband is incredibly intelligent, and he
13:18
Speaker 2: was so good at so many things, and I started
13:22
Speaker 2: referring to him as my fundamental problem solver because it
13:25
Speaker 2: just seemed like whether or not, if I couldn't get
13:28
Speaker 2: my computer to work, he could figure it out. Or
13:30
Speaker 2: if the garage door wouldn't go up, he knew what
13:32
Speaker 2: was wrong, or if something happened with a cable TV,
13:35
Speaker 2: he was quick to be able to fix it. And
13:37
Speaker 2: it just seemed like he was so good, and so
13:39
Speaker 2: I meant it as a compliment. But he came to
13:42
Speaker 2: me and he said, Honey, I cannot be your fundamental
13:45
Speaker 2: problem solver. That is Jesus. I am your helpmate, but
13:50
Speaker 2: I am not your fundamental problem solver. And so what
13:53
Speaker 2: I meant as a compliment, he was so right because
13:56
Speaker 2: I was putting him in a role he was not
13:58
Speaker 2: to fulfill.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, and we a lot of us do that.
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Speaker 1: I mean, it's pretty normal if you watch Disney or
14:03
Speaker 1: Hallmark movies and tell people not to watch it. It's
14:07
Speaker 1: not reality.
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Speaker 2: It's not reality.
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Speaker 1: Now, and we put these men or the relationship on
14:13
Speaker 1: a pedestal and they can't stay up there. They're just
14:16
Speaker 1: like us in so many ways. Right, They're amazing, absolutely,
14:20
Speaker 1: and so are we, But they're neither of us, are Jesus.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, For many of us, respect is something to be earned.
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Speaker 2: And if our spouse isn't worthy of respect, or we
14:33
Speaker 2: don't deem that worthy of respect, let me put it
14:36
Speaker 2: that way, we don't give it. How do we get around.
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Speaker 1: That, Well, we need to. We need to have the
14:42
Speaker 1: awareness that that's saying something pretty big about us, that
14:46
Speaker 1: we're not a respectful person, because everybody on the planet
14:49
Speaker 1: is worthy of being treated with respect. God loves every
14:53
Speaker 1: single person. Who am I to judge? Let's talk about
14:58
Speaker 1: planks and eyes. Yeah, So we have no right to
15:01
Speaker 1: do that. And when we do that, we're just we're
15:04
Speaker 1: just following the enemy. We're obeying the wrong entity, and
15:09
Speaker 1: we're giving voice to things that are going to damage
15:13
Speaker 1: that person and it's on mission for the enemy. Like,
15:16
Speaker 1: we have to stop that. We have to recognize the
15:18
Speaker 1: source of it. And it really comes down to who
15:20
Speaker 1: am I am I? The character of Christ am I
15:23
Speaker 1: being morphed into his identity transformed? Or am I not?
15:28
Speaker 1: And that's what not looks like.
15:30
Speaker 2: It's so important for us to take the time to
15:34
Speaker 2: reflect on that because the enemy is against marriage, the
15:38
Speaker 2: enemy is against family. We just need to look at
15:42
Speaker 2: what's happening in culture to know that's his easy end. Yeah,
15:46
Speaker 2: So if we will go back to what the Bible says,
15:50
Speaker 2: how Jesus has modeled how he treats his bride and
15:54
Speaker 2: how he wants us to treat others. And his greatest
15:58
Speaker 2: commandment is to love others as we love ourselves. We
16:02
Speaker 2: have to respect ourselves to love ourselves, but then it's
16:07
Speaker 2: incumbent upon us to respect and love others. Friends, We're
16:12
Speaker 2: going to take a real quick commercial break, but I
16:13
Speaker 2: don't want you to go anywhere, because when we come back,
16:16
Speaker 2: we're going to continue this conversation with Nina about the
16:19
Speaker 2: role of unconditional respect in a healthy marriage. We'll be
16:23
Speaker 2: right back. Welcome back to your hope filled perspective where
16:28
Speaker 2: we're having a conversation today with the author of the
16:32
Speaker 2: Respect Darren. We are talking about the role of unconditional
16:36
Speaker 2: respect in a healthy marriage. So, Nina, you say that
16:39
Speaker 2: there's a connection between a woman and God, her husband
16:44
Speaker 2: and her strengths. What is that connection.
16:47
Speaker 1: So as we come to know our identity in Christ
16:51
Speaker 1: and are not wandering around trying to please everybody on
16:55
Speaker 1: the planet, so we can actually be okay with ourselves.
16:57
Speaker 1: Right when we get our identity from the Lord, then
17:00
Speaker 1: we're able to appreciate the strengths that God gave us
17:03
Speaker 1: and then bring forth those strengths in the relationship in
17:07
Speaker 1: a way that we weren't before. We were actually useful
17:11
Speaker 1: in that relationship in a way that deeply impacts everything.
17:15
Speaker 1: But so often we buy the lies of the culture
17:19
Speaker 1: and we go down these paths of thinking we're worthless
17:22
Speaker 1: or we're not valued, and people treat us this way.
17:25
Speaker 1: Is it reinforces it? Or we're looking for that, because
17:28
Speaker 1: if you have a belief like that, you're going to
17:30
Speaker 1: find it everywhere. But when we really have a solid
17:33
Speaker 1: identity in Christ, and I don't pretend to be fully there,
17:36
Speaker 1: but I'm so much more there than I used to be,
17:39
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what people are say or to do.
17:41
Speaker 1: My husband could be upset about something and say something
17:44
Speaker 1: that ten years ago I might have perceived is unkind
17:47
Speaker 1: but I look at him now and I go, are
17:48
Speaker 1: you okay? What's going on? Because I know who I am.
17:52
Speaker 1: I don't get triggered or tipped over. I call it
17:54
Speaker 1: being bulletproof and unoffendable because the more I know Christ,
17:58
Speaker 1: the more solid my identity is in him, the less
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Speaker 1: other people's words affect me. Like I know what's true
18:03
Speaker 1: about me. So you said this thing, there must be
18:05
Speaker 1: something else here. Let's take a look at that. And
18:08
Speaker 1: it's a generous attitude that's just naturally there, which, by
18:11
Speaker 1: the way, research shows you're going to have a healthy marriage,
18:14
Speaker 1: you got to have that. And so it comes from
18:16
Speaker 1: the identity of people being solid to facilitate that connection.
18:19
Speaker 2: But that takes a willingness to set aside our own
18:23
Speaker 2: pride and our own hurt, to shelf that momentarily, to
18:28
Speaker 2: look at the other person and say, I'm concerned because
18:32
Speaker 2: there's something behind that comment. There's something behind that behavior.
18:37
Speaker 2: And Christ modeled that. He was not selfish. He took
18:41
Speaker 2: time to ask questions. And I think by asking those questions,
18:46
Speaker 2: it provides a safe place for our spouse to share.
18:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, it really does. And to your point, most people
18:54
Speaker 1: get hurt and then react and they can and to
18:57
Speaker 1: be honest, they can't help it. But when this one
19:00
Speaker 1: of the big things that we do a greater impact.
19:01
Speaker 1: There's a lot of healing work, spiritual, emotional and relational
19:04
Speaker 1: healing work that we do to create a pause, and
19:07
Speaker 1: then the healing actually solidifies after a while and you're
19:11
Speaker 1: literally not offended or hurt. Like things that might have
19:15
Speaker 1: bothered you fifteen twenty years ago they don't anymore because
19:18
Speaker 1: you know who you are and you don't it doesn't
19:20
Speaker 1: affect you. It's not about you, right, you see things
19:23
Speaker 1: completely differently. You're able to minister and love in a
19:28
Speaker 1: way that actually calls that other person up to a
19:30
Speaker 1: higher level of being because they don't want to act
19:33
Speaker 1: like they're acting either. They're acting that way because they're
19:35
Speaker 1: triggered too. So I think, and we've seen this over
19:38
Speaker 1: the twenty years that we've been doing this stuff. The
19:40
Speaker 1: more people work on their own healing and their own
19:42
Speaker 1: relationship with the Lord, the better relationships that they have
19:46
Speaker 1: with people. Oh very true. Yeah.
19:49
Speaker 2: I know that your first dear has to do with expectation,
19:53
Speaker 2: and we all have expectations. My audience has heard me
19:57
Speaker 2: talk about expectations frequently on this podcast because I think
20:01
Speaker 2: so often when we're disillusioned or disappointment or discouraged. It
20:06
Speaker 2: comes back to unmet expectations. But expectations can't even be
20:10
Speaker 2: met when they're not vocalized. It's like some imaginary bullseye target.
20:15
Speaker 2: But some expectations are reasonable and others are not. So
20:21
Speaker 2: what would you say in terms of it? How can
20:23
Speaker 2: we tell the difference?
20:24
Speaker 1: Well? And then I think an even bigger thing to
20:27
Speaker 1: look at is what does God want for me right now?
20:30
Speaker 1: Because some of the things that we think are reasonable
20:32
Speaker 1: expectations that might not be in the growth place that
20:36
Speaker 1: your spouse is in at the moment. That might not
20:38
Speaker 1: be the maturity that they have, And so maybe you're
20:40
Speaker 1: going to suffer through some stuff because this is the
20:43
Speaker 1: iron sharpening relationship that you have and there's pounding and
20:46
Speaker 1: there's heat in it. And so recognizing that, yeah, I
20:49
Speaker 1: want this thing and it's really reasonable and not going
20:53
Speaker 1: If he loved me, he would right. So avoiding all
20:56
Speaker 1: of that and just saying, hey, God, I know you're
20:58
Speaker 1: allowing this, What do you want from me that? Now?
21:00
Speaker 1: What are you trying to grow in my character? Because
21:02
Speaker 1: there's something He's good One hundred percent of the time
21:05
Speaker 1: he's good. So if I look to the Lord and
21:08
Speaker 1: say this thing. Okay, it's in your word that we'd
21:12
Speaker 1: be doing this thing, but it's not happening. So what
21:15
Speaker 1: do you? What do you? What do you want me
21:16
Speaker 1: to learn here? What can I do different? And then
21:19
Speaker 1: we make that about our following God and letting the
21:22
Speaker 1: Lord sort that out with our spouse instead of trying
21:24
Speaker 1: to be our spouse's holy spirit, because that does not
21:27
Speaker 1: work ever. So that's that's what I'd say about expectations,
21:30
Speaker 1: is root your expectations in what God has for you.
21:33
Speaker 1: Yet we want heaven now, but this is not heaven now.
21:37
Speaker 1: It's earth, and we're gonna struggle. We're going to have
21:40
Speaker 1: some pain. That's a biblical root to growth. So expect
21:43
Speaker 1: that and lean on him because he's always up, you know,
21:47
Speaker 1: whether it with him?
21:48
Speaker 2: In the Love Dear You suggests that the way we
21:50
Speaker 2: respond to conflict is often based on our past. And
21:54
Speaker 2: boy have us seen that through years and years and
21:56
Speaker 2: years of counseling people and in my own life, and
22:00
Speaker 2: frequently the way we respond to conflict is even rooted
22:03
Speaker 2: and things that happened in our childhood. So talk for
22:06
Speaker 2: just a moment about how does that impact marriage?
22:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, So if when I was seven and and this
22:13
Speaker 1: didn't happen, so but it plenty of people. This stuff
22:16
Speaker 1: happens to My parents have some big fight in the
22:18
Speaker 1: kitchen and I mentioned my Name's brought up I as
22:23
Speaker 1: a seven year old. I'm going to internalize that and
22:25
Speaker 1: make whatever it is they're talking about about me, because
22:28
Speaker 1: I've got to explain that somehow, and then it might
22:30
Speaker 1: come away with any host of beliefs around that. But
22:33
Speaker 1: maybe one of them is if I was just a
22:34
Speaker 1: better kid, if I did better in school. Maybe part
22:37
Speaker 1: of what they talked about was my inability to do
22:40
Speaker 1: math because I didn't know that Dad was supposed to
22:42
Speaker 1: take me to tutoring and that's and he forgot and
22:45
Speaker 1: that's why we're arguing. But oh, I should be better
22:47
Speaker 1: at math. So then then we get this belief system
22:49
Speaker 1: that then all these things that happen to us are
22:52
Speaker 1: filtered through that. And it's not even true, but.
22:55
Speaker 2: We don't's the important part, right there, Yeah even true,
23:00
Speaker 2: or interpret it as yes.
23:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, And so that impacts you, know, so you're having
23:04
Speaker 1: a discussion with your spouse about finances, it's like, well,
23:07
Speaker 1: I'm not good at math, and well, you don't love
23:09
Speaker 1: me anyway, and I've never I've never been good enough here.
23:12
Speaker 1: It's like that's the seven year old that's shown up
23:15
Speaker 1: right there, and that's wounding that needs healing, and God
23:19
Speaker 1: can fix that, change that transform that. I've seen it,
23:22
Speaker 1: I've experienced it. It is absolutely beautiful. You don't have
23:24
Speaker 1: to say stay stuck in that, but it's a huge
23:26
Speaker 1: thing to be aware of and then choose to move through.
23:29
Speaker 2: This conversation would be incomplete if we didn't talk about forgiveness.
23:34
Speaker 2: And it's really forgiveness moves a person forward. How have
23:39
Speaker 2: you seen that to be true?
23:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, So on a biological level, God designed this so
23:44
Speaker 1: well because your brain chemistry changes when you forgive. The
23:48
Speaker 1: other thing is is it's a humbling activity that puts
23:51
Speaker 1: us in the proper alignment with the Lord because we
23:54
Speaker 1: don't have the right to harbor unforgiveness. We're not judging
23:57
Speaker 1: jury over this other person. And by the way, Christ
24:00
Speaker 1: already paid for that, So who do we think we are?
24:03
Speaker 1: Excuse me, the seat on the throne has been taken.
24:05
Speaker 1: Get off right. So when we forgive, it's like the
24:09
Speaker 1: brain chemistry changes and we're able to then have a
24:11
Speaker 1: clean slate here And the problem with forgiveness is people think, well,
24:15
Speaker 1: that means I let them walk all over me. It's like, no,
24:18
Speaker 1: you have boundaries, Like those are two different things, but
24:21
Speaker 1: people don't know how to put them in because you
24:24
Speaker 1: don't keep throwing yourself in front of the bus when
24:27
Speaker 1: you know what's coming by it three h five if
24:29
Speaker 1: it drives over you every time, like that's a you problem,
24:32
Speaker 1: you know, so you can give the bus driver, but
24:34
Speaker 1: if you keep eating yourself out there, like you're the
24:36
Speaker 1: one causing no problem. So in the relationship you you
24:39
Speaker 1: definitely your heart needs to be right. You give forgiveness
24:42
Speaker 1: a ton of times over and over again, because that's
24:44
Speaker 1: what we're supposed to do. And then you also think, well,
24:47
Speaker 1: what's my role in this? How do I need to
24:50
Speaker 1: show up here in the character of our lord? Like
24:53
Speaker 1: what do you want me to do differently here? And
24:55
Speaker 1: he'll have something for you, and it might be saying, hey,
24:58
Speaker 1: you know what, I love you. We don't talk to
25:00
Speaker 1: each other like this, so let's carry on this conversation
25:03
Speaker 1: when we can both be calm and you leave the room.
25:06
Speaker 1: It can be simple, small.
25:07
Speaker 2: Things which don't feel so simple or small in the
25:11
Speaker 2: heat of an argument. Yeah, yeah, give an idea of
25:15
Speaker 2: the biggest pitfalls to respect and how do we overcome
25:19
Speaker 2: these Well, I think our culture teaches us that it
25:22
Speaker 2: has to be earned.
25:22
Speaker 1: I grew up believing that, and that's a lie. We're
25:25
Speaker 1: ignoring the preciousness that God has placed on his people
25:28
Speaker 1: and how he views us. And so we need to
25:30
Speaker 1: really just accept the fact that we are precious to God,
25:33
Speaker 1: and so is that other person, and that respect is
25:36
Speaker 1: the character of Christ, and so are we going to
25:38
Speaker 1: follow him in that. That's really the big issue.
25:41
Speaker 2: And that is key because he calls us to be
25:45
Speaker 2: Christ like yes, yes, And so when we don't forgive,
25:48
Speaker 2: when we demand respect, when we don't show respect to
25:53
Speaker 2: even teach, what it looks like, we're not walking in
25:56
Speaker 2: the character of Christ. Friends, we're going to take a
25:59
Speaker 2: real short commer'll break, but we'll be right back to
26:02
Speaker 2: continue our conversation about the role of unconditional respect in
26:06
Speaker 2: a healthy marriage. We'll be right back. Welcome back to
26:11
Speaker 2: your hope filled perspective where today we're talking about the
26:15
Speaker 2: role of unconditional respect in a healthy marriage. And you
26:18
Speaker 2: you may be listening and not be married, but I
26:21
Speaker 2: think that this is applicable to all of our relationships.
26:26
Speaker 2: And you know, you say that God uses pain in
26:28
Speaker 2: our lives to mold and shape us. So how can
26:32
Speaker 2: we learn to be more receptive to this process when
26:36
Speaker 2: we are so pain averse?
26:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh well that's what's true. So first accept it.
26:45
Speaker 1: Pain is the biblical root to growth, and if we're suffering,
26:48
Speaker 1: there's a reason for it. So accept his goodness that
26:51
Speaker 1: he means this for good. He's not evil, he's good.
26:54
Speaker 1: So he's got a purpose in allowing this in our life.
26:56
Speaker 1: So embrace, not just accept, embrace that and then head
26:59
Speaker 1: to him and be like, okay, can you make me
27:01
Speaker 1: a fast learner here? What do you want me to do?
27:04
Speaker 1: How do you want me to think? Show me the
27:06
Speaker 1: way and then do that because if you don't guess
27:10
Speaker 1: what your rents, well repeat on the same old thing
27:12
Speaker 1: over again.
27:13
Speaker 2: That's for sure. Yes, what advice do you have for
27:16
Speaker 2: those who are either frustrated or they're bored, or maybe
27:20
Speaker 2: they're just tired of a stagnant marriage.
27:23
Speaker 1: That is a thing, and it happens to people when
27:25
Speaker 1: they involve circle their life around their kids. Will say,
27:29
Speaker 1: when they worship them, or they get so involved with
27:32
Speaker 1: work or whatever and it's like, who are you? I
27:34
Speaker 1: don't remember why I'm married to That's a really important
27:37
Speaker 1: thing to fix because we're supposed to reflect Christ's relationship
27:41
Speaker 1: with the church. How do you do that If you
27:43
Speaker 1: don't have a relationship with that person and there's a
27:46
Speaker 1: simple thing, you can just start doing new things together,
27:48
Speaker 1: start dance class maybe, and you can collectively be terrible
27:53
Speaker 1: at it and have fun, or you may end up
27:57
Speaker 1: entering competitions who knows with a new hobby. If you're
28:00
Speaker 1: not bringing something new into your relationship and really trying
28:04
Speaker 1: to live the best life that you could possibly live
28:08
Speaker 1: here with your person who's supposed to be your best friend,
28:11
Speaker 1: then you're not really following. We're supposed to live this life,
28:16
Speaker 1: it's supposed to be abundant. Well, we make choices. We're
28:19
Speaker 1: shutting that down, so stop it.
28:21
Speaker 2: I think that is very true that especially as moms.
28:25
Speaker 2: This is not categorically so against every mom, but we
28:29
Speaker 2: tend to put so much of our efforts into our
28:33
Speaker 2: child rearing that sometimes I think our husbands can feel
28:36
Speaker 2: left out, yes, or feel unimportant or uncared for, And
28:41
Speaker 2: then when we enter the empty nest, it's like our
28:44
Speaker 2: marital bank account isn't a deficit. You recently entered the
28:48
Speaker 2: empty nest, and so as a Christmas present, I gave
28:53
Speaker 2: my husband it's this book of Creative Dates with your
28:59
Speaker 2: spouse that we would do different things because we did
29:03
Speaker 2: get in a rut. You know, this is what we
29:06
Speaker 2: do Sunday nights, this is what we do during the week,
29:08
Speaker 2: this is what we do Saturday. And so I wanted
29:11
Speaker 2: something that would give us ideas, because if we had
29:14
Speaker 2: the ideas on our own, we would have already been
29:16
Speaker 2: doing it. But it's just been fun to explore new
29:19
Speaker 2: areas together. We miss our kids, but we did our
29:24
Speaker 2: job to raise them so that they could fly outside
29:27
Speaker 2: of the nest, and they're doing well. So I want
29:29
Speaker 2: our marriage to do just as well.
29:31
Speaker 1: But it requires.
29:32
Speaker 2: Intentionality, and I think sometimes we just get lazy. We
29:36
Speaker 2: want the other person to plan the date. The other
29:39
Speaker 2: person planned the date when we were dating, so we
29:42
Speaker 2: expect them to do that now. But that goes back
29:44
Speaker 2: to our conversation about unvoiced expectations.
29:47
Speaker 1: Yep, take the lead.
29:49
Speaker 2: Take the lead, go take a cooking class together, or
29:52
Speaker 2: go look at the wildflowers in the spring. Whatever I mean.
29:55
Speaker 2: God has given us this big great earth to explore.
29:58
Speaker 2: So let's do that with our spouse and get back
30:00
Speaker 2: to enjoying the relationship, because I think the more we
30:03
Speaker 2: enjoy it, the less critical will be.
30:05
Speaker 1: Oh that's so true. You're building the friendship and then
30:08
Speaker 1: you can weather more stuff that is going to happen
30:12
Speaker 1: like it's just life. So great advice.
30:15
Speaker 2: If a listener is resonating with our conversation today, what
30:19
Speaker 2: hope filled perspective would you want to leave them with that?
30:22
Speaker 1: You don't have to stay stuck. Don't give up. No
30:25
Speaker 1: matter what your friends, or your family or people have
30:29
Speaker 1: told you. You can resurrect your marriage. You can have
30:32
Speaker 1: a deeper connection with God and your spouse. Will I
30:36
Speaker 1: just want you to have some hope. We work with
30:38
Speaker 1: some of the worst couples out there, by their own admission,
30:42
Speaker 1: and then people that are just trying to connect after
30:44
Speaker 1: the kids leave and they're like, who are you? And
30:46
Speaker 1: I see it every day, the miracle that He has
30:49
Speaker 1: for you in your relationship. So don't give up. People
30:52
Speaker 1: are doing this. It's possible, and it's happened for me personally.
30:56
Speaker 1: So I just want to say that to people, no
30:58
Speaker 1: matter what the mess you think you have God's not done,
31:01
Speaker 1: and He's bigger than all of it.
31:03
Speaker 2: But I would even take that a step further and say, friend,
31:05
Speaker 2: I know you're probably tired, and you probably have some
31:08
Speaker 2: longings that are being unfulfilled. But when Scripture tells us
31:13
Speaker 2: to treat others as we would want to be treated,
31:16
Speaker 2: it means it starts with us. So don't wait for
31:20
Speaker 2: your spouse to change. Take the reins. Decide that you
31:24
Speaker 2: are going to respect unconditionally, you are going to trust,
31:28
Speaker 2: you are going to show love. I read a book
31:31
Speaker 2: years ago, was by I think it was Elizabeth George,
31:33
Speaker 2: and it's Lord Changed Me. And she talked about how
31:37
Speaker 2: she really wanted God to change her spouse, but when
31:42
Speaker 2: she got to the point where she prayed that really
31:45
Speaker 2: gutsy prayer, Lord changed me as she changed her spouse
31:49
Speaker 2: changed in response. And even if your spouse doesn't change,
31:53
Speaker 2: you will change for the better and become more christ Like. So, friends,
31:56
Speaker 2: I really hope that this has given you encouragement today
31:59
Speaker 2: in any of your relationships, but especially in your marriage relationship.
32:03
Speaker 2: It can be better, it can be fulfilling, it can
32:06
Speaker 2: be all that God created marriage to be, but it's
32:09
Speaker 2: not going to happen without intentionality. Nina, thank you for
32:11
Speaker 2: coming on the program and sharing your insights, your wisdom
32:15
Speaker 2: and out of your own personal experience. And know that
32:18
Speaker 2: this is going to resonate with many friends. If you
32:21
Speaker 2: are struggling, let me just underscore with what Nina said,
32:26
Speaker 2: there is hope. It doesn't have to stay here, and
32:28
Speaker 2: I would encourage you to pick up a copy of
32:30
Speaker 2: her book, Their Respect Dare and we will put all
32:33
Speaker 2: the information about Nina, her ministry and her book in
32:36
Speaker 2: the show notes that you can find at doctor Michelle
32:38
Speaker 2: b dot com. But maybe your one whose marriage is
32:41
Speaker 2: great and it's thriving. I guarantee you know somebody who
32:46
Speaker 2: is struggling. So would you consider sharing this episode to
32:49
Speaker 2: provide a biblically based hope filled perspective for someone who's
32:53
Speaker 2: needing a jolt of hope today. It's by my pleasure
32:56
Speaker 2: to be with you. We will have another episode on
32:58
Speaker 2: another important topic now next week. Until then, you know
33:02
Speaker 2: it's my prayer for you that you have a hope
33:04
Speaker 2: filled week.
33:07
Speaker 3: Thank you for joining doctor Bankson for your hope filled perspective.
33:11
Speaker 3: We hope you are encouraged by her authenticity, vulnerability, and
33:15
Speaker 3: biblical truths. If you enjoy today's conversation, when you take
33:19
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33:56
Speaker 3: a hope filled week.
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