Latest / UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth / EP 63 - How to Heal From Church Hurt Without Losing Faith

Transcript

EP 63 - How to Heal From Church Hurt Without Losing Faith · UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth

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  I think one of the hardest wounds to talk about is church
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  hurt, because when people hurt you, that's painful, but when
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  people hurt you in a place that was supposed to feel safe, that
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  hits differently. When it happens in church, it
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  can shake things deeper because church isn't just where you
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  went. It's where you worshipped, where
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  you served, where you trusted, where you expected to encounter
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  God. And when that place becomes a
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  source of pain, it can feel confusing.
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  You're not just grieving people. Sometimes you're grieving
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  expectations, Community, Trust, the version of church you
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  thought existed. And for some people, that hurt
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  quietly becomes distance from God, not because they stopped
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  believing in Him, but because the pain got attached to him.
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  And today, I want to sit in that honesty for a minute because I
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  think there's a lot of men and women carrying church hurt
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  today. And they've never really
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  processed it emotionally or spiritually.
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  They just walked away carrying it.
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  Welcome to Unmasked, where we take off the filters and get
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  real about faith, failure, and finding freedom.
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  I'm your host, Wesley Farnsworth, a dad, veteran,
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  author, and a man who's learned that God does his best work in
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  the middle of our mess. Each episode we have honest
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  conversations with people who have walked through addiction,
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  pain, or doubt, and with pastors, leaders, and everyday
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  believers who are learning to live and lead authentically.
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  So take a breath, pull up a chair, and let's get real.
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  This is unmasked. I'm the first to admit church
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  hurt is complicated. I've been there, I've
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  experienced it. It's complicated because from
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  the outside, people often minimize it.
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  Church is full of imperfect people.
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  Just forgive and move on. Keep your eyes on Jesus.
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  Those are all things that people will say to minimize it.
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  And listen. There's truth in those
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  statements, but timing matters because when somebody is
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  bleeding emotionally, quick answers can feel dismissive.
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  Church Her often isn't just about one event.
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  Sometimes it's betrayal, rejection.
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  Sometimes it's spiritual manipulation or leadership
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  failure. Maybe it's gossip or feeling
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  unseen in the place that preaches community.
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  And sometimes it's death by 1000, small wounds, and not just
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  one big thing, just repeated disappointment, repeated hurt,
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  repeated silence. The difficult part of all of
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  this is that church isn't just another organization.
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  It carries spiritual meaning. People meet God there, they
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  serve there, they raise their families there.
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  And so when pain happens there, it often gets tangled up with
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  faith. The hurt doesn't just stay
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  horizontal, it becomes vertical and people start asking
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  questions that they never expected to ask.
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  Where was God? Why did this happen?
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  How could people who love Jesus act like this?
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  And those are all honest questions.
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  And I think God can handle honest questions, don't you?
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  I think one of the biggest dangers of church Earth, though,
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  is accidentally attaching people's failures to God's
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  character. You see, people fail, leaders
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  fail, churches fail, systems fail, but God, God does not
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  fail. That distinction, my friends,
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  matters. Because if we're not careful,
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  the hurt done by people will slowly reshape how we see God,
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  and before long we stop trusting Him because of what somebody
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  else did. Not intentionally, but just
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  gradually over time. And that can lead to a
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  temptation to walk away completely.
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  I can understand why some people choose to leave.
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  I've been hurt by churches as well.
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  Because pain mistakes. Because pain makes distance feel
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  safe. If a church hurt you, distance
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  feels protective. You think if I stay away, I
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  can't get hurt again. And sometimes temporary distance
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  is needed to heal. But isolation becomes dangerous
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  when it also becomes permanent, because hurt has a way of
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  talking when we're alone. And if pain stays unprocessed,
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  if it becomes bitterness, that's when things go bad.
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  I think a lot of people need to process church hurt, but they
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  don't. Instead, they relocate it.
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  They leave one church and just carry that wound into another.
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  They stop serving, they stop trusting.
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  They stop connecting. Or if they do stay in the
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  church, physically they're not there, emotionally, they
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  withdraw. They just show up, they smile,
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  they volunteer, but internally they're constantly on guard.
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  They're disconnected. They're just waiting for it for
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  it to happen again. And honestly, that's the kind of
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  hurt that changes people. I think men specifically handle
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  church hurt by shutting down. Not talking, not processing,
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  just withdrawing. They stop attending, they stop
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  bleeding, they stop engaging. Spiritually and externally it
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  looks like disinterest, but internally it's grief,
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  disappointment, betrayal. Because men often process things
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  privately because nobody needs to see it, so they just
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  disappear. And when I think about that, it
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  breaks my heart because men hear me when I say this.
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  Don't lose faith. You may have lost trust, but
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  don't lose faith. I think healing starts with
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  honesty. You have to name the wound.
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  Was it rejection, betrayal, manipulation, abuse of
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  authority, disappointment, unmet expectations?
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  Whatever it is, name it. You can't heal what you refuse
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  to identify. And sometimes church her get
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  spiritually bypassed. We just rush straight to the
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  forgiveness without acknowledging the pain.
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  But the grief matters, just like honesty matters.
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  God never asks us to pretend that wounds don't exist.
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  And I think this part matters because Jesus himself was hurt
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  by religious people. Did you hear me there?
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  Jesus himself was hurt by religious people.
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  He experienced misunderstanding, rejection, hypocrisy.
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  The people who should have recognized him often resisted
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  him. And somehow he never allowed
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  broken people to redefine the Father.
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  Let that sit for a second, because that is difficult.
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  He experienced pain without confusing human failure with
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  God's character, and that is not easy, but it's important.
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  I think it's also important to realize that forgiveness is not
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  the same as pretending. I'm going to say this as clearly
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  as I can. Forgiveness is not pretending.
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  Forgiveness is not minimizing. Forgiveness is not immediately
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  trusting again. And forgiveness does not mean
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  that the wound wasn't real. Some people here forgive and
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  think it means act like it didn't happen.
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  That's not healing. That, my friends, is avoidance.
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  Real forgiveness usually walks through grief first.
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  A lot of people talk about God after church hurt, but not with
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  God. And there's a difference there.
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  They deconstruct privately, they process things with friends,
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  they carry anger internally, but they never actually bring the
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  wound honestly before God. And honestly, that is where the
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  healing starts. Not because answers arrive
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  instantly, but because the relationship stays open.
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  Prayer doesn't have to sound polished.
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  Sometimes it just sounds like God, I'm angry, God, I'm
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  disappointed, God, I don't know what to do with this.
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  Talk to him like you would your friend sitting across from you
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  at the table, because that's what he wants.
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  That honesty. It matters.
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  In community. It still matters too.
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  This can be hard to say, but I think it's true.
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  Church hurt does not mean that community stops mattering.
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  Because healing often happens with people.
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  Not perfect people. Safe people, healthy people,
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  honest people. And yes, finding those people
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  after hurt can feel terrifying. But isolation rarely heals
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  relational wounds. Healthy connection often does
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  say that. Again, isolation rarely heals
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  relational wounds, but healthy connection often does.
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  It does it slowly, carefully, and overtime.
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  I want to slow down here for just a second because I think
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  this is next part is important for you to hear.
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  Church, it's important. But my friends, church is not
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  God. People represent him
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  imperfectly. We are broken people in a broken
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  world. We are not perfect, so people
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  are going to represent Him imperfectly.
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  Sometimes, though they do it beautifully.
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  Other times it's going to be painful.
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  But human failure does not erase divine goodness.
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  Your relationship with God is bigger than the place where you
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  got hurt. Don't let broken people become
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  the final interpreter of God's heart.
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  Take the time and bring the herd to God.
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  And when you're ready to return to the church, it'll be there
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  for some people listening. You may be in the middle of all
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  this. You may not yet be ready, and
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  that's OK Healing has timing. But when you're ready, move
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  slowly. Look for health, look for
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  humility, look for places where masks come off.
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  You don't need a perfect church. You need honest people pursuing
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  Jesus together. Those are completely different
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  things. Church her is real, but it
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  doesn't have to become spiritual exile.
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  You are allowed to grieve, you are allowed to heal, and you are
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  allowed to process. But don't build your entire
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  future around a wound, because pain was never meant to become
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  your identity. So here's your action step this
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  week. Ask yourself this honestly, what
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  part of my church hurt am I still carrying that I haven't
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  actually brought before God? Not discussed, not analyzed, not
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  avoided, but brought before Him. And then spend 10 quiet minutes
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  this week just telling God the truth about it all.
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  Not polished, not highly edited. Just honest, honest
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  conversation. Because healing begins where
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  honesty and God finally meet. Thanks for joining me today on
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  Unmasked. If something in this episode
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  spoke to you, don't let us stop with you.
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  Share it with the one person that God put on your heart while
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  you were listening. You never know whose
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  breakthrough might start with just a simple message from you.
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  If you want more encouragement, you want to work with me
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  one-on-one, or you're interested in having me speak at your
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  church or event, you can find everything@wesleyfarnsworth.com
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  and make sure you join the Unmasked community by connecting
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  with me on social media so that we can keep walking this journey
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  together. Until next time, Remember that
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  grace is greater than your past and real freedom, true freedom,
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  begins the moment that you choose to live unmasked.
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  God bless you.