Latest / Aging Parent TrapX / Caregiver Sibling Resentment: When One Sibling Does Everything
Transcript
- Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: in my experience, there's always the one, usually the oldest, oldest or youngest, who is the take charge person. And they're going to have the marching orders and tell everybody what they think should happen or they're going to take the lead. And then you have others who want to jump in and help. And then you have others who, you know, put their phone on do not disturb a lot. Allison Newlon: Welcome to the Aging Parent Trap X podcast and YouTube channel. My name is Alison Newland. I'm the broker owner of Platinum Properties of Florida in the greater Tampa Bay area. And I am here with my friends and colleagues, Julie Cook with Generational Transitions and Nikki Flynn with Elite Preparation Services. And we love to talk about Gen Xers and helping them navigate their parents' senior years. And today we Are talking about, and I'm gonna read it. My siblings aren't helping with our aging parents. Dun dun dun, and Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Ha. Allison Newlon: that is something I'm sure a lot of you are experiencing. I don't have that same experience because if you have been listening or watching, then you will know that I am the only child of my parents. each of them has a child from a previous relationship. That I did not grow up with. I know them, but we do not have a relationship. They don't have any hands-on with my mom and her situation at all. I mean, they wouldn't even know what's going on. And that's okay. I'm not mad about it. I'm just stating a fact. and and so I don't have this problem or not problem because I think a lot of people I mean, I always wanted siblings. So I would think it would be great. Like we have all this help and people are going to pitch in, but I've kind of witnessed it myself. What Julie was saying in the intro, there's one person that seems to take charge, and then the other ones kind of do what they're asked to do, may or may not volunteer to help. Like they literally have to be Told like you have to do this. Maybe people live all the way across the country from where the stuff is happening and the one taking charge lives close by. Maybe that person has the unfair burden of taking care of everything because they do live close by or they're not married, they don't have kids, they can take care of it, they don't have all the same responsibilities that I do. I mean, I think that you know I think that's kind of a icky way to put a burden on somebody. I have A friend who she moved from Florida to go take care of her aging parents. Not only does she is she not married, not have kids, but she's also a doctor, so they're yeah, she can take care of that, you know. So I think Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: yeah. Allison Newlon: the the sibling dynamic is an interesting one, and we could I I could say all those things, and everybody that just heard me talk about them, like even though it's anonymous, they don't if they knew I was talking, they'd be mad that I said anything about it because then the flip side is is. That you can't say anything because the siblings are fiercely defensive of each other, even if they're fighting amongst each other. It is crazy to me. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yep. Yep. Allison Newlon: So I'm gonna let you guys because you have a little bit more experience, in this. But here's something it says one lives three states away and offers suggestions, and one apparently entered the witness protection program because you can't reach them. one sibling will only. handle doctor's appointments one handles the money I mean so then somebody's not helping or they are helping too much or they're taking over. Alright I'll be quiet now. NikkiElitePrepServices: well I I definitely have seen it with my clients. I am the only one taking care of everything. So and my situation just like yours, my stepsister is only part of my stepdad, not my mom. So there I would never in a million years expect her to help in Allison Newlon: Right. NikkiElitePrepServices: any way. So it it's just me. so I totally get that feeling where it's like, okay, and i there are plenty of times where I've had instances where clients Have come to me and they're like, Well, I you're the baby, or you don't have any kids, so yes, you would be the one doing the the responsibility and taking care of mom and dad. And it's like that's kind of rude to just assume that. Like, what about a demanding job? What a a really extremely you know important career? Like, you can't just say, because you're the baby or you don't have kids, like that's ignorant. Allison Newlon: Right. NikkiElitePrepServices: and it's it's a lot. If you have a team, family, somebody who's gonna help, and you can delegate. That just makes it so much easier on everybody. Everybody in the family. Where everybody's just doing a little bit, it goes a long way. Allison Newlon: Yeah. It I I Yeah. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: I think that's a good point. That delegation, if you can divide it up, I think the ones who, like you said, went into the witness protection program. I think that's because it seems like such an overwhelming task. But if you're able, if the siblings are able to sit down and say, Okay, here's what we need help with. We need the legal side, we need the financial side, we need the care side, divide up these tasks. And what are you comfortable with? What can you help with? Are you good with making phone calls? You're not good with being you know, hands on and can divide that up. That's an ideal situation. Doesn't always happen that way, but but that's ideal is if if you're in a situation where your parents are starting to need help, talk to your siblings and say, how, how can we split this up so it's not all on one person? Allison Newlon: I think that is very a very fair way to do it. but we know just by by watching other families within our own families that over the years people have different conflicts. They hold grudges about different things. mom or dad treated you better than me, they liked you more than they liked me, they paid for your college, they didn't pay for my college, they went to your banquet, not my banquet, you know, whatever it is. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: and so people hold kind of grudges sometimes either they're towards their parents or even towards their siblings and they're like, well, they're they're just gonna have to take care of it. And I just I like I said, I wish that I had siblings for many reasons, because all I have are my own memories of growing up and but there's nobody to share those things with. Because there's I mean, I didn't grow up with anybody. So really my husband who I met when I was twenty, he remembers some of the stuff with my my parents, my dad and stuff like that, which is nice. But I don't have a lot of people in my life that remember those things. So I think if people can get rid of those grudges and set things aside like that and just realize how blessed they are to have people in their lives. Now I know sometimes the phrase black sheep of the family didn't come you know from nowhere, right? Because there's Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: there might there might be a black sheep in the family and I know things are complicated sometimes. But looking from the outside in, sometimes I'm just like, why can't people just get along and deal with this? What I have read about recently is that unequal caregiving sometimes can lead to a disproportionate share or proportionate share of the inheritance going to the person that does the most. Have you guys heard of that kind of thing? NikkiElitePrepServices: Yeah, there's some who will factor that in when they're planning and they're doing their estate plans. I've had clients that will do that, that they've already made determinations like, no, this child is getting nothing, like this one's disinherited, or you Allison Newlon: my gosh. NikkiElitePrepServices: know, this one is they're they're gonna receive the house, but everything else goes to this daughter because I'm moving in with her and she's the one taking care of me. So they they do plan ahead of time and they factor that in. but I think the the hardest part is when that's not a factor when you can't have those conversations and it just happens and you have to make those decisions together. That's the hard part is is trying to make those determinations at on the on the whim because we don't have we didn't have time to plan we didn't have time to think ahead we didn't have those conversations ahead of time and nobody really wants to sit down and I always tell my clients like nobody wants to sit around at the dinner table at Thanksgiving and say okay so When I die, nobody wants it nobody wants to hear Allison Newlon: Ha ha ha NikkiElitePrepServices: the conversation. So it's like you you can't approach it that way. So you can say, hey, let's sit down and have a real conversation. And that's really what we're trying to just encourage is for people to understand we know what you're going through. This is what we are going through and we're trying to help with our experiences, but also it would be really beneficial for your sanity and for your peace of mind and your self-worth. to just sit down and have those conversations to just kinda put a game plan. Doesn't mean you have to go meticulous through every single thing, just say, hey, let's talk about what if scenarios. Like if something were to happen, do we have a game plan? You know, is is that something that we can kind of just talk about? Allison Newlon: Well, you know, Gen Xers are gonna figure it out no matter what, because that's just that's what we do. But we also I think we like to have some sort of plan in place NikkiElitePrepServices: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: for it. So I would think that if we're looking in the future, we do have the holidays coming up. So maybe I'm not saying at the Thanksgiving table, but maybe start To sprinkle in now with your siblings, hey, we need to start having this conversation with each other and then put this in front of our mom, our dad, our parents about what's gonna happen, where do they want to go? Where do they want to live? Are they coming with one of us? Are they going to assistant living, independent living? what are what's the plan and what's the plan with the house? And who's gonna help them? Can they still drive anymore? Like, who's gonna make these decisions? And if you don't all live in a local area, which many times you will not live in a local area, you know, you don't have to be physically present to provide assistance. You can pay for for care, you can pay for help with the moving of stuff, the decluttering of stuff, the whatever. You there there are many ways that you can contribute. You can fly in for a week and help. I mean, there are different things, but don't leave it there. you you know continue to offer your support because you're gonna need each other in Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: my opinion as siblings. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: because that's such a valid point, is is probably more so than any time of the year when a family gets together and siblings, adult children see their aging parents, is the holidays, probably Allison Newlon: Yeah. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: more so than than any other time. So that's the time of the year to think about these conversations, you know. Pull your siblings aside and say, hey, did you notice A, B, and C about mom and dad? you know, it's may like like Nikki said, it's probably not something you want to pull up at the dinner table and have this conversation. But it's okay to have the side conversation with your siblings and say, hey, are you noticing this? I'm noticing this. Let's get through the holidays, let's enjoy the memories. But we need to start getting serious about having a conversation and just kind of start that ball rolling, even if it's on the side amongst the siblings. before you have that conversation with mom and dad. Because as we go into this time of the year, that's if something needs to be done, that's when a lot of people start to notice. Because you can hide stuff over the phone, but when you're with somebody in person, maybe in their home for a couple of days, that's when you start to notice things. Allison Newlon: Yeah, and so you know, if you're looking to after you see them, talk to them, talk to your siblings and you guys start to think about, okay, well mom, dad can't live in the house really much longer. And if you're needing help trying to find an independent care facility, assistant living, memory care, Julie, she is the pro at that. So make sure you look for her contact information in the pinned comment below. And of course Nikki, she is a pro at handling document preparation, wills, trusts, things like that. And so you definitely want to have Those things in order, including the emergency binder if you don't already have one. And of course, I'm here to help you deal with your aging parents' home after they move out of the home. What are you going to do with the home? And that is what I help with. We're all in the greater Tampa Bay Bay Area, but we do have referral partners all over. and so we can help you at least direct you, get you in the right direction. and we want to hear what is going on with your siblings and what consequences. conflicts you have. We would love to hear from you. Put a note in the comments below. Thank you for watching.