Latest / Aging Parent TrapX / When Siblings Disagree
Transcript
- Julie Cook: ⁓ yeah. I'm raising myself for a minute. Allison: Yeah. ⁓ boy, it's about to get ⁓ it's about to get ugly. ⁓ It is there's gonna a fight. Nikki Flynn: ⁓ yeah, it's about to get ugly. Ha ha ha Julie Cook: As soon as we have Allison: So here we are today, Aging Parent Trap ⁓ X podcast and YouTube channel. I'm here with Nikki with Elite Preparation Services and Julie Cook with Generational Transitions. I am Alison Newland with Platinum Properties of Florida in the Greater Tampa area. And we are here to tell you that you are not alone if you are dealing with your aging parent and helping them transition their senior years. Specifically, ⁓ do you do when have to move out of the house, care decisions, ⁓ things that? Because if you're a Gen Xer, like we are, then you are having these conversations more and more often. And so we decided to talk about it. And so gonna talk today about ⁓ when siblings disagree about the decisions for their parents and also housing ⁓ like what to do with the house decisions. s ⁓ it get Now I am an only child and I did not have to ⁓ deal with someone disagreeing with me other than my mother. Which a whole nother that's a whole nother ⁓ YouTube ⁓ podcast situation right there because ⁓ you what I wanted to do with the house and what I wanted to do with ki the care ⁓ that ⁓ you what I thought I was making the best decisions for her or helping her make those decisions. ⁓ but I didn't have anybody to disagree with me other than her. Julie Cook: Yeah. Allison: But I know got some experience, Julie's got some experience, I've seen it firsthand with clients of mine. ⁓ again, I'm just gonna ⁓ somebody jump in and ⁓ about this because Nikki Nikki said something, ⁓ said, it's about to get ugly. Nikki Flynn: Yes. When when you have ⁓ when you don't have the documents in place nominating who has a say and there is fighting between siblings, it will get ugly. If there is fighting about care, then what happens is the facility will step in and Julie can speak to this. Sometimes a person gets appointed over them until the family goes to court and gets appointed guardianship through a court system. Because they don't want messiness, they don't want the headache, they don't want the drama, and they definitely do not want a lawsuit. So that's yeah, so it's that's the the ugly side. Because then when it goes to court, now everybody has to hire attorneys. Now you're racking up all these costs. For what? Now, if the family would have just sat down and done the planning ahead of time and nominated, this is the child I want speaking for me on my behalf. Because if they go to the courts, the court is not gonna hear. Allison: Right, they don't want the liability. Right. Mm-hmm. Nikki Flynn: their 20, 30, 40 year plus drama, they're just basically gonna say, okay, you look good on paper. Tell me why you should be nominated. And even though the other one might not look good on paper, is the one you want nominated because they're more compassionate, have more heart, they're gonna listen to what your wishes are, they might not actually get picked because the court's gonna say, yeah, you look easy. You look good. I'm gonna go ahead and stamp you, your guardian. And now your wishes are not gonna be honored because the person that you originally wanted is not the one that is appointed. Julie Cook: That's such a good point. ⁓ I think when ⁓ because in a situation like this, emotions get so high. And that's the thing to consider as people are ready to make rash decisions, quick decisions, and just take a breather and and relax for a minute before you get, like Nikki said, to that point. Nobody wants to go to court and try and fight all of this out. So take a minute, try and settle it civilly, if at all possible, if you can do it. Allison: Mm. Mm. Julie Cook: I had a situation recently interesting where the the children of a senior wanted a different care plan than the senior themselves wanted. They had some concerns and wanted a different setup, ⁓ but they didn't have power of attorney and the senior had capacity. So even though the the siblings had concern, they wanted addressed and and the community heard them out, at the end of the day, the senior had capacity, the senior makes the call. Allison: Mm. Julie Cook: So I think sitting down together and saying, is there a reasonable way that we can accommodate all of this is so important and trying to tone down emotions because emotions just get so wrapped up in a situation like this so quickly. The other thing that that I've run into when we're talking about emotions is you have a child and I had this who had threatened somewhat jokingly, somewhat not jokingly, if you don't behave, I'm gonna put you in a home. I'm gonna put you in a home. And then we get to a then we get to a point ⁓ the senior ⁓ the home and now they're like, No, ⁓ you said you wouldn't do this. That was all, you know. So I I think sitting down, even if you have to get a third party to come in and help mediate before you get to where we have to try and do guardianship and all of this to work it out, that's so important. You don't wanna go to that level. Allison: No, and I think that there's with anything, like there's a certain amount of denial ⁓ ⁓ parent is aging. Like, I can handle this, I can live here, I wanna stay in my home, I don't ⁓ help, I'm gonna disguise like what's really going on here. Remember, ⁓ times the adult children live ⁓ close by. Maybe they live out of state. They don't know exactly what's going on day to day ⁓ you know, mom and dad, mom Dad, they're just saying that everything's fine and you can maybe sense that something is not quite right, but the parent is, you know, putting off the inevitable of I'm gonna have to have a decision made for me or make the decision myself. ⁓ I, you know, gr I I'm grateful that my ⁓ my in laws ⁓ they just said, We're We can't live in this house anymore, and please help us find something. You know, and th and one of the daughters, their daughters, helped find them a place and to go to. But when they were done, they were done and o I was shocked. They had lived in that house literally for probably forty years. Like but it was it was almost like an overnight decision once they made it. They just they didn't have to be coerced, they didn't have to be anything and was and I say co ⁓ coerced is probably the ⁓ or is a better word than coerced. ⁓ Nikki Flynn: Coaxed Coaxed ⁓ Allison: They did they didn't have to be convinced. They knew like, hey, we can't manage to live here on this two acre property anymore, right? We can't be here out in the middle of nowhere kind of thing. ⁓ it wasn't really nowhere, but you know what I'm saying. But so you know, some people make the decision like that and then you have ⁓ a person like my mother who refused to look at assisted living communities, refused to do any on the internet, you nothing, wouldn't do any of it. Like For a year and then all of a sudden she, you know, has a little slip, she can't get up off the ground, ends up in the hospital and then never ever ever comes home again. And whoa, okay, everything has to be you know, decisions have to be made pretty immediately and ⁓ you know, that kind of stuff happens. And so, know, the ⁓ having things in place ahead of time is always the best plan. ⁓ And your wishes record it, right? And everybody talking about it. and then if you're disagreeing, just back and and take a beat and be like, it's not really worth all this fighting. I I just can't you're all I guess people are scared, right? Many people are scared, like, ⁓ I'm gonna lose my parent, I'm not ready for this time, ⁓ whatever. They're So emotions do run high with what to Nikki Flynn: Mm-hmm. Julie Cook: I think that's a big point too. It's because everybody loves their parent. all of the siblings want to do what's best. They're not trying to be difficult. They're just coming from different perspectives. And like you said, they're scared. They're scared about losing the parent. They're scared about the financial obligation that could come with this. Are they going to be on the hook for that? So there's a lot of stuff on the backside of it that that appears like they're being difficult when really they're just scared about the unknown. And so it comes across as being difficult. Allison: Yeah. Yeah. And I think that the more you do to know that, ⁓ know, there are different options available that aren't gonna cost you an arm and a leg to just prepare in advance. To ha having a conversation does not cost anybody any money, right? ⁓ to have a conversation and try and air it out. And I guess that ⁓ know, family dynamics can be different ⁓ difficult for some people. I'm hoping that that's not the way it'll be for my kids. ⁓ I always tell them they're so lucky to have each other, and they're always like, You're so lucky you only have yourself, and I'm like, No, I'm not. not it sounds like it's great, but it's really not. To have somebody to lean on and to always have that, you know, person there, that's who you lean on after mom and dad are gone are your siblings. But I know that not everybody has, you I know people have different upbringings and stuff, I guess. I don't know. It's hard. So you get there's not a blanket statement, I guess. ⁓ but then what you know, what to do with the house and siblings disagreeing about what to do with the house that mom and dad, ⁓ that can get really ugly because if they become, you know, if one of if the power of attorney for mom or dad decides, well, we have to sell this house and the other siblings are like, no, I'm it was my dream to live there. They might have to buy the house for mom and dad to have the house and then there's some serious, you know, aggravation like, ⁓ I should get to buy the house for ⁓ a hundred thousand and the house is worth five hundred thousand. I mean you can see where this can all go totally sideways if people are unreasonable or greedy and just ⁓ want to stick it to the sibling that was always the favorite up or something, right? Nikki Flynn: if ⁓ if I ⁓ usually ⁓ advise clients, this is why we do the planning, because if you have a game plan, number one thing is ⁓ yes, know you might love your children and you want to leave something for them, but if you need to sell that house for your care, ⁓ then selling the house for your care. Like that's just that's you have to put you first. At what do you stop putting them first when they're Allison: Right. Nikki Flynn: fully grown adults like you did your job. Now it's gonna be time to take care of yourself. So if the house needs to be sold for your care, then that is what needs to be done and the kids need to be okay with that. But if it's talking about selling the house because mom and dad have passed, then it's a different situation. If there's no planning involved, now it's getting ugly because now people are hiring attorneys. There's outside in their ear talking to them, telling them, ⁓ no, you get this. You deserve this. Your parents promise you this. And you've either got spouses or friends or other family members that are just bickering in somebody's ear. And if there is no planning in place, that means it's going through probate. And that means that it's now public knowledge. And there's going to be creditors and disgusting people putting in claims, just like those evil people in other people's ears. Allison: Wow. Nikki Flynn: So it's just it it leads to a whole mess of things. And I look at it like, you know, for us living here in Florida, we're being harped on right now. Have a plan, have an evacuation plan because you don't want to put other people's lives at risk when you don't listen and heed the warnings. Okay, it's the same thing with yeah, it's a it's the same exact thing for estate planning. Like have a plan. Like Allison: Like for hurricane season. It's a it's a different type of hurricane season. It's what it is. Nikki Flynn: Yeah. And I I'm more afraid of those hurricane seasons than our hurricane seasons. So, you know, it's it you just wanna you wanna help your family and you wanna have a plan, you wanna have things prepared. and if if you don't want to talk about it, there's easier ways to kind of just go about having discussions without saying the harsh words. Julie Cook: Yeah. Good analogy. Yeah. Allison: Yeah. Right. Yeah. Julie Cook: I'm with you. Yeah. Nikki Flynn: Trying to be soft and gentle about the conversation without saying, when I'm dead, like you know, that's kind of abrupt and rude and it's kind of offensive to some people and they're not ready to have those conversations. So when you kind of sugarcoat it and, you know, you make it all soft and fluffy, and you just say, okay, do you have a plan? Like, what family member would you like to have this? If something were to happen and you got really sick, like who do you want taking you to doctor appointments? That's a little bit easier to have. Allison: Yeah. Nikki Flynn: softer discussions with them rather than being so abrupt. So you just want to find the right person to be able to have those conversations to make that whole process a lot easier with them. So that way they're more open and inviting to the conversations to be able to get those things done. So that way they're not stressing and causing more issues later on down the road. Allison: I read an article recently and it was really interesting. The family was part of a business. All them. They were all part of a business. And you ⁓ it it a lot always be family, ⁓ family, family, family, family, business. then ⁓ when the parents got to point where they, you know, needed to go to independent and assisted living ⁓ facilities and and that kind of thing. The siblings, and I thought this was really beautiful, they got together and they divvied ⁓ exactly ⁓ one them would be responsible for. ⁓ because they ⁓ because they close by because they were all part of this family business. so one would take them to doctors, ⁓ one would take let's say grocery shopping, the other one would take them to and from family events, you know, whatever it was but Julie Cook: Yeah. Allison: Each one of ⁓ had a certain thing so that not one person was completely overwhelmed with the entire process. I loved that. I I love that. How great would that be? people could just ⁓ along and do that kind of thing. But ⁓ that was a particular situation. Julie Cook: That's great. I think that's Nikki Flynn: Yeah. Julie Cook: And even if you have Yeah. Even if you have siblings that are spread out, you know, what if they're out of state? Well, can you ⁓ you know what? Mom is lonely. Can you make sure that you call her on Tuesdays and Thursdays so she has a phone call to look forward to? Maybe the person who's local is tight. Hey, send ⁓ gas money periodically 'cause they're running you know, running the family member all over town. Just little things like that to help share the load. I think that's a beautiful story. I love that. Allison: Mm. Yeah, I do. I like it. I saved it in our little group spreadsheet. I think I did. I think I did. I might might be wrong. But I okay, so the point of everything is again, do your planning in advance. Have those hard conversations. and don't even try and make them hard. Just try and have some conversations. They can be gently approached with ⁓ you hey, who would you want to drive you to and from doctors appointments or things like that just to kind of get it going? and and talking about know their care decisions and and things like that ⁓ ⁓ what they want to do with the house. I mean having all that stuff planned in advance is is so important so it doesn't get ugly. We want to avoid that. ⁓ Our information is in the description below. ⁓ If need to speak with any one of us, just feel free to reach out.