Latest / The Vietnamese with Kenneth Nguyen / 522 - Did Traditional Asian Parenting Accidentally Ruin Our Ability To Date As Adults? - Olapolala

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522 - Did Traditional Asian Parenting Accidentally Ruin Our Ability To Date As Adults? - Olapolala · The Vietnamese with Kenneth Nguyen

0:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Vietnamese podcast.
0:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I have all of back.
0:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I had such a great time last time speaking with you all and I just want you to be a recurring guest all the time.
0:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I am, um, I have so many questions, but I wanted to dig into this topic of
0:18
[SPEAKER_00]: you know do we've been need many more you know after a conversation that we had the first time I went into another podcast and was all in Vietnamese and my co-host and you know he's released this
0:33
[SPEAKER_00]: on our podcast.
0:34
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't mind resharing this, but he said that his 30 year old son is having a really tough time dating.
0:44
[SPEAKER_00]: So I brought up your whole, you know, 146 question points and your process.
0:51
[SPEAKER_00]: And here we are, we're going to dive into this today.
0:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for coming back, Ola.
0:56
[SPEAKER_01]: thank you for having me back and I was really looking forward to coming back as also thank you.
1:00
[SPEAKER_01]: It's really important question that you asked and I think before I did my system I definitely was ready to not find a guy anymore because it had been 30 years of dating people that just weren't right for me so I definitely wasn't was at a point where I
1:25
[SPEAKER_01]: is there anyone right for me out there and if my life is feeling so happy right now, do I really want to make it potentially worse by dating another person that's not right for me?
1:42
[SPEAKER_01]: So the the calculations that went in were very much like, hmm, do I want to risk everything that I've built
1:55
[SPEAKER_01]: to now let somebody else in who might potentially just ruin it, right?
2:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Like it's scary.
2:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think women, so sweet, economically speaking, we are at a point where back in the day, marriage was a thing of, it was a thing of economical convenience.
2:17
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a really interesting book called,
2:21
[SPEAKER_01]: modern romance by Aziz Ansari, who got canceled at some point, I think.
2:27
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think he's fine now, but he was cancer now.
2:30
[SPEAKER_01]: But anyways, you wrote this book, which was very interesting.
2:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And it did dive into the history of love, which I'm obsessed with, like, I really just love and love connections and I love relationships.
2:39
[SPEAKER_01]: So I read anything that's out there from, you know, Simone de Beauvoir to this.
2:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And there was an interesting thing that he mentioned that back in the day, people would like marry people from the same building or the same neighborhood, you know, like the same village.
2:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And then if those single people run out, they would then venture out for that into another village or into the city or whatever.
3:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So with, um,
3:05
[SPEAKER_01]: the modernization of transportation.
3:09
[SPEAKER_01]: We have had an expansion into choice, and then with the internet, that expansion went further, right?
3:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So there was just so much choice into who we could be dating, we could be marrying, and people used to marry to gain independence and gain some kind of economic freedom, because you couldn't really leave the home as a woman.
3:33
[SPEAKER_01]: If you weren't married, right, you were supposed to live at home until you would get married, so a lot of people would seek this freedom to be independent and they would get married so they could just kind of leave and go and do their own thing.
3:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So women wouldn't eat that as well as need.
3:50
[SPEAKER_01]: for money.
3:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And obviously, as times have changed and where it will have our own careers, our own money, our own independence, it's completely fine for us to live outside of our homes, even if we're unmarried.
4:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Definitely, there's a shift.
4:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that was like a bigger global shift.
4:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I guess it got to a point where we started realizing do we need to be dating losers, I mean.
4:20
[SPEAKER_01]: All right, and I think, okay, and I'm not generalizing.
4:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not saying most people or whatever, and then I think the only thing that that phrase, as a catch phrase really, and there's an interesting,
4:38
[SPEAKER_01]: relationship therapist that uses that phrase is like stop dating losers.
4:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think the main thing about that isn't that someone is a loser is that you choose to be with someone who's just not right for you.
4:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's when it's a loser.
4:53
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not they are losing you actually are in a loser situation, right?
4:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Because you're losing out on being with a right person.
4:59
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think
5:02
[SPEAKER_01]: We are now becoming more aware, more conscious, more educated, more, we get more financial freedom to go seek therapy to understand ourselves more.
5:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So we get, pick here, right?
5:20
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's not really picky.
5:21
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just for the first time we're able to articulate what our needs are.
5:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and,
5:29
[SPEAKER_01]: work on our childhood traumas, heal ourselves to get to a place where we know what we deserve.
5:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe, you know, as some of the first generations of women that don't settle for things that aren't good for them anymore.
5:45
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I think everything also is compounded by our two cultures.
5:50
[SPEAKER_00]: We have the Vietnamese culture, and then we have these Western cultures that blend, and the standards become even more concise and more, there's more clarity with, when you bring all of this stuff into the mix, the standards of Asia become so like punch talk, so high.
6:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think about, you know, um, my dear friends son, um, not dating and, you know, there's many millions of people today in their 30s that are not, um, that have probably given up or maybe not have given up, but don't realize like they have given up.
6:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
6:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
6:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
6:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
6:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I think the fact that we have so much choice as well, it's so overwhelming, right?
6:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Like this comes from like the marketing playbook of Apple.
6:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Why is there only like two, three different computers to choose from?
6:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And why they sell much more than Dell?
6:54
[SPEAKER_01]: It's because or at higher price points is because they give you the thing they say, you need this, right?
6:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And there's not other choice.
7:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So there's no like choice paralysis.
7:04
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think when there is that much choice out there, it's also hard to stand out.
7:10
[SPEAKER_01]: because people will feel like, you know, okay, next, okay, next, right?
7:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, if it's not you, it's going to be somebody else.
7:17
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think there's also the downside of having that much choice, because I think when we had to choose within the village or choose within the town, you would spend a lot more time getting to know somebody, right?
7:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Which I think is what I did in my system is before I discarded a choice,
7:40
[SPEAKER_01]: It was like, have I actually go on to know who they are and have I actually understood do they fit what I'm seeking right so I think there's that, but I think don't it's daunting dating is so don't and I think we have generally the younger generation I think you and I were on the like.
8:01
[SPEAKER_01]: We got lucky, right?
8:02
[SPEAKER_01]: We got lucky.
8:03
[SPEAKER_01]: We were on the cusp of technology and we still got to be the kids that were running wild on the streets and no one would know where we were until 7pm and it was dinner time and we'd come home, covered in mud, you know, haven't had the best day out with our friends.
8:19
[SPEAKER_01]: and then we would get computers, right?
8:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was dial-up internet, things were slow, so so we were online, but we weren't online all this time.
8:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think kids nowadays are online so much that it becomes really lonely out there and social anxiety is so real.
8:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Like most people I know that are young, are scared of making phone calls.
8:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I
8:44
[SPEAKER_01]: had to do just actually two weeks ago I had to do a pep talk for my brother's kid because she was going to have an interview on the phone and she was like in full on panic mode like oh my god what do I see on the phone like I've never done this.
8:55
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like what just slow down girl because it's just a conversation on the other end of this line it's just a person.
9:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Just say hello, ask them how they are and just breathe through it, but they get so much social anxiety about, you know, contact with people and I get it because I'm super introverted and I can spend a whole week without chatting with anyone and I'm super happy and then I go out and I'm like, oh my god, when do I smile in this conversation?
9:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I get that side, but I do think people that have grown up, you know, in this tech era.
9:29
[SPEAKER_01]: They just have never got that much practice with other people.
9:33
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that on top of everything else that's happening, put the dating pressure on it.
9:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's just daunting.
9:41
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a lot of things to get through, right?
9:44
[SPEAKER_01]: A lot of hurdles.
9:45
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's a lot easier to just be like, whatever, right?
9:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't care.
9:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Say that you don't care, because that's a nice defense mechanism, right?
9:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Because if you don't care, no one can hurt you.
9:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Or,
9:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Wait for one more to tell me.
10:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, me and my co-hosts, my co-hosts, and I were talking about, I was like, do you think you really want, do you think your son really wants to be dating?
10:13
[SPEAKER_00]: He's like, yes, of course he does.
10:16
[SPEAKER_00]: and he's like, what human being doesn't want, to be touched, to cut all, to experience that intimacy.
10:24
[SPEAKER_00]: So my question is like, where do you go from here if you're, you know, at an age where you haven't dated your whole life, what what do you do?
10:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I think the first thing to do when I think it's the right question you ask and I guess that would be the question to ask him is do you really actually want to be in a relationship like do you how badly do you want to be in a relationship do you really want to be in a relationship and what is it that you are seeking and seeking in a relationship.
10:55
[SPEAKER_01]: right and what type of relationship do you actually want?
10:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you seeking a relationship that's more casual?
10:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you want to be in a relationship that leads to marriage?
11:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what is it that you're after?
11:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I think it comes down to understanding self.
11:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what is it that you're offering?
11:10
[SPEAKER_01]: What is it that you bring to the table for the other person?
11:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And like how realistic is it that
11:21
[SPEAKER_00]: I was just going to say that, what if we have a delusional person on this other end where you're asking us questions and you're like, oh my god, you are completely delusional about the reality of the dating world.
11:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah and you know what that delusion goes both ways and it's very interesting because I have my god she's gonna hate me.
11:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not gonna say her name obviously, but I have this amazing, amazing friend and this is like she's such a baller.
11:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I literally, I hope one day I grow up to be as cool as she is.
11:54
[SPEAKER_01]: This person
11:56
[SPEAKER_01]: She, Meridian, got divorced, had a two-year-old kid decided to move from Vietnam to the UK.
12:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Got into an amazing MBA program which she paid for herself while taking care of her two-year-old son by herself.
12:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Like got into an amazing job and then kept advancing, kept getting promotions, like recently bought a house in London, Massive Housing London, Cash,
12:19
[SPEAKER_01]: you know like this is like this is a high performing individual right like I am always in so much awe of her intelligence or diligence or hard work and she is like I can't find anyone because I have a kid.
12:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, what do you mean you can't find anyone because you have a kid?
12:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Just find someone who wants to have a kid with you, right?
12:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Like who will love your kid?
12:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And who will, like, you having a kid is the least of your problems.
12:47
[SPEAKER_01]: The problem is that you don't think you're dateable because you have a kid.
12:51
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not that there's people out there who don't want you because you advocate, it's because you don't believe people will want you because you have a kid and therefore you don't even let the chance happen, right?
13:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, I'm like, if I was a dude, I'd be like, I'm gonna date this girl.
13:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, she's amazing.
13:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think that delusion, there's a good side of it and then there's the bad side of it, right?
13:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Where you, there are people that think they,
13:16
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, could be getting all these type of people types of people and then maybe they're not working as hard on themselves to meet, you know, the, maybe criteria that you need to meet to be dating.
13:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So, and people, because it's not, it's not about someone being better than you, it's about.
13:31
[SPEAKER_01]: really just matching, right?
13:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Like matching on how hard you work, right?
13:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Matching on what things you value in life, right?
13:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Certain people value looks a lot.
13:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're not working on looks, but the other person is working on looks and it's what's important to them.
13:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe that's a mismatch then, right?
13:47
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, then the delusion goes the other way.
13:49
[SPEAKER_01]: What's your like this really amazing person?
13:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And you can't see it because you haven't dealt with your own insecurities.
13:56
[SPEAKER_01]: So you become your own obstacle and, you know,
14:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And there we are.
14:02
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, it's a great point.
14:04
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a great point.
14:05
[SPEAKER_00]: But how many of us are willing to do the real work of getting to know what ourselves and getting to know the terrain?
14:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, that's really what it was down to.
14:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Who are we?
14:15
[SPEAKER_00]: What do we want?
14:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And what's available out there?
14:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And how do we approach this?
14:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think about this 30-year-old man.
14:26
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I just went off on this.
14:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll send you the podcast to link when it comes out.
14:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I really want to hear it.
14:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I get rowdy.
14:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Because they're like, um,
14:37
[SPEAKER_00]: They were like, the main title description of this podcast was, how do we find the, the person, the ideal person for ourselves?
14:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
14:48
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, for me, that ideal person has changed so many times throughout my life because of who I was.
14:56
[SPEAKER_00]: So,
14:57
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, there's sometimes where people like me are constantly changing what their ideals are because of, you know, the growth or, you know, and how far back I actually started as a man, I was only
15:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I realized the reason I dated Asian white women was because of the lack of confidence that I had of who I was.
15:32
[SPEAKER_00]: So the ideals of a person is constantly changing.
15:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And if we don't account for those changes, a lot of dangerous things can happen to us.
15:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Like it happened to me.
15:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I just found myself in this pattern of dating just so many people
15:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's really good insight because I think there's two things there because the number one thing that you said was, how much are we willing to do, how much work are we willing to do on ourselves?
16:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, how much work are you willing to do on yourself to actually understand who you are?
16:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,
16:15
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not about having to have healed already to be ready for a relationship.
16:20
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about knowing that if you don't do the work on you, you might not be prepared to do the work that it takes.
16:29
[SPEAKER_01]: to be in a relationship because if you can't do work when there's just one person in the room and that's just you, how are you going to do the work that needs to be done when there's two people in the room and the complexity of the work that needs to be done isn't just like, you know,
16:46
[SPEAKER_01]: it's not times two.
16:47
[SPEAKER_01]: It's exponential growth, right?
16:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Because it's so many layers of like everything that people bring with them that if you, if you can't commit to you, can you commit to somebody else?
16:59
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's number one.
17:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Big big question to ask yourself before dating.
17:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're seeking a real relationship, like not just casual dating.
17:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And number two, what you mentioned was
17:15
[SPEAKER_01]: when the ideal person in your head changes.
17:19
[SPEAKER_01]: So how does, how can you have the right person if that, you know, a goalpost is constantly moving?
17:25
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think that's where the core values come in and why they're so important.
17:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I think I can bet that your core values, most of them grow less since your kid till now.
17:36
[SPEAKER_01]: they probably haven't changed that much.
17:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Everything else around you probably changed a lot, but the core values that you know are important to, you know, maybe values like family, you know, values like, I don't know, intellectual development or stuff like that, probably has been a constant in your life in some way or other, maybe how much importance
17:56
[SPEAKER_01]: they had the levels probably have changed, but they probably remained the same core values.
18:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that's why the system that I set up is so based on core values and understanding your own core values because in the six years that mean my husband have been together, I have definitely changed.
18:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean the person he started dating was a lot younger and I was working in corporate, I was chasing,
18:23
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, specific goals that that I thought were what I wanted and now and now a lot of that has changed and and I think the reason it works for us is because Both of our core values in our life missions have remained the same so even though the way we approach it is different
18:44
[SPEAKER_01]: the river flows the same way.
18:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So it works that way.
18:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that's why it's so important to find someone who will really get you, get your core.
18:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And then everything else is just evolution, right?
18:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're just like upgrading your Pokémon status.
19:01
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you were
19:05
[SPEAKER_00]: to approach this 30 year old man as a day and coach.
19:11
[SPEAKER_00]: What is the first thing that you would do?
19:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I definitely, I would want to understand more about what's going on inside their head because just because we've spoken to his dad, right?
19:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what you've spoken to is that and you know what this somebody from the outside is telling you.
19:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Doesn't mean we actually understand what's going on inside of him.
19:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'd love to know everything that is sitting inside his brain that has to do with him,
19:44
[SPEAKER_01]: what he wants out of life, where he sees he is at now, where he sees he wants to go further, what he thinks he's missing, what he thinks the ideal person is for him, how many dates he's actually ever been on, how many attempts has he actually done, what were those attempts?
20:03
[SPEAKER_01]: where were those attempts?
20:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Did he use any platforms?
20:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Was it in real life?
20:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what has he actually, you know, what's the whole picture of this person before making any judgment?
20:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Because
20:16
[SPEAKER_01]: we're all just seeking the longing.
20:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Like all of us just wanted the long, right?
20:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And having someone in a relationship with you is just having a smaller village, right?
20:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's that's a quote to person and that, like if the person you end up with should be, should be your best friend and it should be someone you feel so safe to be with in any way, shape or form.
20:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And it sounds so idealistic and very like Nancy Myers movie, but it's true it's true like you should be your complete full self with this person and feel safe to be that and that person should encourage you to do that, right?
20:51
[SPEAKER_00]: So Before you get there But what if they're so delusional In what they answered to you, Olla What if it's so beyond what you can fix
21:05
[SPEAKER_00]: And I have a suspicion a lot of men, and women are like that today.
21:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I may have run into a lot of people that are like that, and you know, obviously I haven't had the training and the the the ability to ask the questions that you're that you're just proposing, hey, these are the things that I'll find.
21:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll ask, I'll do my due diligence with this person.
21:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Get to know them.
21:26
[SPEAKER_00]: But I have a feeling a lot of them are so awkward and have the idea of
21:33
[SPEAKER_00]: who the ideal person is, because even somebody like me has a delusional way of looking at, who I think my partners.
21:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I'm normal, but I think I'm relatively within the bounds of somebody who's been in relationships before and being married.
21:53
[SPEAKER_00]: But even, I wouldn't even say somebody like me is, you know, has these grand,
22:00
[SPEAKER_00]: ideas of what a relationship or woman that I want to be with.
22:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't imagine.
22:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Tell me, tell me your ideal.
22:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Tell me right now.
22:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, this is your vulnerable moment.
22:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
22:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't mind sharing because I've shared this in Vietnamese.
22:17
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm happy with that.
22:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm happy with that.
22:20
[SPEAKER_01]: You're single right now, right?
22:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
22:22
[SPEAKER_01]: This is a, guys, there's a PSA.
22:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Kenny's putting himself out there.
22:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, I value, you know, I'm Vietnamese, we call it kintu, right?
22:34
[SPEAKER_00]: General knowledge more than probably anything.
22:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Uh, of course, it's general knowledge and a physical beauty that have to go hand in hand for me has done physical attraction.
22:44
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think for me, uh, kintu and kindness are the two things that are probably the most important thing, general knowledge, um, they, you know, my co-hosts were asking me like,
22:59
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, like, what do you put on a profile, you know?
23:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And for me, it's like a few lines that are subtle.
23:04
[SPEAKER_00]: And if somebody gets it, then they get it.
23:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And vice versa.
23:09
[SPEAKER_00]: If I read something, what really turns me off is like, oh, I demand intentionality.
23:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I demand I want this.
23:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I want.
23:17
[SPEAKER_00]: That stuff kills me like when I'm on dating profiles and I read that, it's just I just scroll.
23:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't deal with somebody who's so obviously wanting intention and a long-term relationship, I'm like, all of those are so dumb-tung, right?
23:33
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just normal to me.
23:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I want something that is just
23:38
[SPEAKER_00]: subtle and that can, you know, women that can really cover the gamut of just intelligent conversation.
23:48
[SPEAKER_00]: That's probably one of my biggest.
23:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, okay.
23:52
[SPEAKER_01]: So interesting that you brought up what to put on the profile, which I want to get to, but I think what you've been describing
24:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think that I've, I don't think that I'm on the dating apps for a long time.
24:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
24:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I haven't spent enough time on it, so to claim that I know enough about what is working on what's not working.
24:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
24:22
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a fun distraction so far, but I think we'll come up on a year, but you know, I've been in different situationships throughout the year.
24:35
[SPEAKER_01]: This is, you guys, you're getting the unfiltered can here.
24:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Any intelligent ladies out there want to jump in?
24:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, but yeah, I think we're doing a live coaching right now.
24:50
[SPEAKER_00]: All that is coaching me to go through this.
24:53
[SPEAKER_00]: The title is.
24:57
[SPEAKER_01]: No, this is friendly advice, but it's interesting you've run up the floor of hell because what I found when I first download it Tinder I was petrified it was like a meat market and and I told you last time like I it completely I missed that boat Right because I had been in a really long-term serious relationship So so when they're online dating started like I was not seeking so I completely didn't know what it was So when I downloaded it I mean and
25:24
[SPEAKER_01]: men put crazy stuff on Tinder like my goodness I mean it's not the kind of stuff you show to your mother you know and and so I which for me enough I did put my mom on Tinder at one point which is not the story.
25:38
[SPEAKER_01]: My almost 17 year old mom.
25:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to do that, I don't want to do that.
25:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Almost 70 year old, so to the start, and she goes through a lot of crazy stuff with me, so anyway, so I, when I saw that, I deleted the app immediately, but like I told you, I was like, I feel like I need to challenge myself.
26:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So I actually did this marketing, A.B.
26:04
[SPEAKER_01]: testing thing on my profile, so I don't know if we spoke
26:11
[SPEAKER_01]: description A, set of pictures B, description B, set of pictures C, description C. So I would mix and match and like iterate, iterate, iterate, until I found that the people swiping right on me were finally filtering out to the kind of people I was after.
26:28
[SPEAKER_01]: So I used my profile already as the first filtering system and I used to get
26:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Like every three weeks.
26:37
[SPEAKER_01]: So it was just like a lot like the volume of it was freaking insane, right like the volume is This like the amount of time I put in every single day to go through that and and I would spend on average 90 minutes on the app a day Just to be like, okay, this is this is a job, right?
26:55
[SPEAKER_01]: You just need to treat it like because it's got to be scientific so you have to like do it the same amount of time and you know putting the work
27:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And it took me a while to finally get to the right description and the right about the right types of photos and I found for me because I was seeking a specific type of person that outside of the core values that I wanted, one of the traits I really wanted was someone who has the ability to not take things so seriously.
27:27
[SPEAKER_01]: like don't take life so seriously, like life is so short.
27:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you take everything super seriously, it becomes very long in a very bad way, you know?
27:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So I wanted someone who would have like a really positive outlook on life and be able to just laugh at stuff because when you can find laughter even in things that aren't great, I think
27:52
[SPEAKER_01]: It speaks for a certain type of person that deals with problems in a certain way.
27:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Like they problem solve in a different way because they're able to step outside of their own mindset.
28:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?
28:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I or at least that was my theory.
28:03
[SPEAKER_01]: That was my working theory.
28:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
28:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And I ended up proving it because then that that that iteration of the pictures and description found my husband.
28:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So one of the biggest differences.
28:16
[SPEAKER_01]: in the filtering system was that I put a picture of my self skydiving and most people when they skydive are coercion like they are so cool right and I did this in Mexico just above a beach like stunning views but I look like I'm both constipated and have diarrhea at the same time
28:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's all right all time favorite pictures of myself because I'm like if someone can swipe right on a picture of me like that they are looking beyond the things that that
28:56
[SPEAKER_01]: you know, we're putting out there.
28:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So I intentionally made my profile not so sexy, not so pretty, right?
29:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, there was a picture of me that looked like, this is what I look like.
29:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And then there was just a balance of other things that were important in my life.
29:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And then that picture, once I put that picture and had the right description, I was like, wow, deep.
29:16
[SPEAKER_01]: different in these moments that I was getting.
29:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I was like, this is it.
29:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I am locked something like the people that I was starting to have conversations with the conversations where I so much more interesting, so much more fun.
29:29
[SPEAKER_01]: There was like great banter that would come with it and and yeah a lot more intellectually challenging and and just
29:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I need my diary of face picture upline.
29:41
[SPEAKER_01]: We need to do a profile on it.
29:43
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to.
29:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
29:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
29:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I would love that.
29:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Because all of my pictures are like a professional professional photographer.
29:51
[SPEAKER_00]: And so all six shots.
29:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.
29:54
[SPEAKER_01]: If I was, and I told, if I was dating, and I would see that, I'd be like, immediate, no.
29:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
29:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And I wasn't gay himself so seriously.
30:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Come on, let's get up.
30:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, your real Ken in his moment and his, you know, I have those pictures.
30:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I have them.
30:08
[SPEAKER_00]: I have them.
30:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Because people don't want to connect to someone real, right?
30:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Because when they also think about it, like when you put pictures up there that are so, like that are professional, and they make you look good, it also means the other person's like,
30:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Are they a serious and b, are they like too good, maybe?
30:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, you know, you don't know what the other person's through something we need to think about the communication that the pictures and the profile.
30:38
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, they're doing work for you, right?
30:39
[SPEAKER_01]: They're communicating something.
30:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And what is it that they're communicating?
30:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Because it's all marketing.
30:45
[SPEAKER_01]: What is the message you're trying to put out there?
30:46
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, what's crazy is 30 years ago.
30:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Not only were we not dealing with dating apps, but we weren't even thinking about how to perfect and improve our communication with the opposite sex or whoever, you know, the other person, if you're gay.
31:02
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we're not even thinking about any of these things.
31:05
[SPEAKER_00]: We're just like existing maybe 50 years ago, 50 years ago.
31:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't think anybody was like really thinking this long and hard about.
31:13
[SPEAKER_00]: But now, everything's...
31:15
[SPEAKER_00]: more complex because of the accumulation of all these data points and then on top of that, adding our cultural values and sensitivities on top of what we come into this western world with.
31:31
[SPEAKER_00]: It's pretty insane talking about this stuff and it's only getting more increasingly difficult.
31:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I love that you brought up communication because communication is my other obsession outside of love and I think so much relies on communication and I think I think I'm obsessed with communication because growing up it was so hard to feel understood because you know of our context right like where the Vietnamese or Asian person growing up abroad,
32:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And we're already different than the people that we see every day outside of the house.
32:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Then you come back home and you're not like the people in your home either because now you've had all the exposure to the West outside of your home.
32:14
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're already struggling and then the language aspect of it, I mean, I didn't start learning Vietnamese until was 10.
32:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And for a very long time, my Vietnamese was very bad.
32:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So I...
32:24
[SPEAKER_01]: had for the longest time the fear that my pant would pass away never knowing who I am.
32:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And it felt so tragic and just kind of sad that the closest people in your life would never know you.
32:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Or that you would never know them right because there's like a million questions that I want to ask my parents and I want to know And I and I did a podcast a while back with my mom where I asked her about all her loves and you know, and why she chose my dad Why did she get divorced like why did she stay within like all these things because I was like
32:58
[SPEAKER_01]: like if we were friends I would have asked her that right and so I was curious and I was so grateful that she actually wanted to share um all that stuff with me um I haven't been able to do that with my dad yet I think it will take a while maybe to to break down the walls you know traditional Vietnamese man from the 50s is a great opportunity you gotta do it soon because yeah
33:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I know times ticking but but the subject of communication like what else is there that's more human than the the act of communicating and we communicate in so many ways and I was watching this like video about jewelry um being used as a form of communication in like ancient times like different stones
33:40
[SPEAKER_01]: different shapes of things would communicate different things like someone being single, someone being made, someone you know like status and like and in even an ancient times like before we had all the languages we have today like there was already so much communication and trying to connect with the other person and trying to exist in the same reality because that's what communicating is right it's like trying to be like how can I translate my world
34:09
[SPEAKER_01]: into words that you understand to.
34:11
[SPEAKER_01]: for you to understand what I'm living and living it together.
34:16
[SPEAKER_00]: That goes back to our title.
34:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Why women don't need money anymore.
34:21
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, men already, you know, we're wired.
34:24
[SPEAKER_00]: We're hardwired to not want to communicate.
34:26
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I'm, I'm different.
34:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm the, I'm the, I over, I over communicate.
34:30
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think for most men, we have this.
34:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I mess, I do hear that.
34:34
[SPEAKER_01]: You heard it in your first.
34:35
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, we're doing a good.
34:37
[SPEAKER_01]: He's already selling himself to the guys.
34:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, yeah, I just think that this day and age men are not equipped to really talk.
34:49
[SPEAKER_00]: We're just not so now we're like at a more disadvantaged position because not only are women really outperforming men, I mean, let's just live baby.
35:03
[SPEAKER_00]: perfectly honest and open about this.
35:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Women are outperforming men and now men are having to deal with this increased pressure to communicate and really open up and and find ourselves like in this weird position that we have to like open up ourselves it's very uncomfortable.
35:22
[SPEAKER_01]: It's so uncomfortable but I think yeah like anything that's uncomfortable I think it's a it's a it's a notch for change right it's a notch for for shedding the old and becoming a new
35:34
[SPEAKER_01]: If it doesn't happen, I mean, probably all the sperm banks in the world have enough sperm that women can just get pregnant without men for a long time.
35:42
[SPEAKER_01]: No, I think it's really like science is going there somehow that women will probably not need men in a biological sense, which is like the final tier of things, right?
35:52
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like it's crazy if you think about it.
35:54
[SPEAKER_00]: But you bring up a totally crazy valid point is this, the top
35:59
[SPEAKER_00]: five percent of men on dating apps are getting all the traffic and women I don't think have that there's not that issue for women I think but I think for men the top five ten percent of the of that of the food chain the way they looked what they're saying on the profile they're getting ninety percent I think of men have a very
36:26
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no, no.
36:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I left it.
36:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I like that you brought that up and I think this is this will be my message to those men and also to the women on the apps is what really makes a top five or 10 percent guy.
36:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I can answer that.
36:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Really a top right because what does that?
36:47
[SPEAKER_00]: That's one of the big things.
36:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, hi, sure.
36:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know there are a lot of women that won't tell them.
36:59
[SPEAKER_01]: But that brings it back, right?
37:01
[SPEAKER_01]: The questions we were going to ask the 30-year-old kid.
37:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's ask it, let's ask that same question to women, right?
37:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Because a lot of women say, well, they can't meet the right person, but what are they really looking for?
37:13
[SPEAKER_01]: What do they actually want?
37:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And then what do they end up swiping right on?
37:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Because if they use swipe right on, on someone who's just tall and good looking, instead of actually swiping right on someone who's maybe short, but actually has the same core values as them, then they're the ones missing out.
37:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's my note to the woman, because I know
37:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I was trapped in the same thing when I was swiping on the wrong people and I, in real life, swiped on the wrong people for 30 years, right?
37:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Like all the wrong things mattered to me for 30 years, until I really sat down and thought to myself, what the hell is it that I actually want?
37:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and how ready am I to do the work towards that, right?
37:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and I ended up bringing
37:59
[SPEAKER_01]: myself to every single date that I went on with short men as well.
38:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And swiping right on shorter men because I was like, it's crazy.
38:09
[SPEAKER_01]: You're looking for something that's so much more than the thing that's on the outside, but somehow you're letting the judgment of what's on the outside dictate.
38:18
[SPEAKER_01]: the rest of your life.
38:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Come on, like that's not.
38:21
[SPEAKER_01]: We need we need a better weight of approaching it.
38:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so easy and theory.
38:26
[SPEAKER_01]: It's so easy and I know.
38:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I know.
38:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so easy.
38:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And it takes work because so when I went dating I
38:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I call myself a savior sexual, so that's the first thing that it's like, I'm attracted to intelligence and to, like, etc, etc.
38:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's what I, so I went on all these dates and in those 46 dates with a lot of men from Ivy League schools.
38:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Some of them double IVs, very impressive resumes, and very good looking, some of them, you know, Dada, Dada, Dada, good families, whatever.
39:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Top five, 10% of dating apps, you'd think, right?
39:06
[SPEAKER_01]: My goodness, some of the dates, like, I have never been that bored in my life, or completely different core values, like I,
39:15
[SPEAKER_01]: love a man that understands hard work.
39:17
[SPEAKER_01]: I love any human that understands hard work.
39:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Like that understands the diligence it takes to build something real.
39:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Like that puts their head down without recognition for a real long time to achieve something.
39:30
[SPEAKER_01]: which is so different than ambition, right?
39:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Those are two very different things.
39:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks.
39:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And I realized even though these people would seemingly in my head, I thought, oh, if someone goes and I believe they must be a hard worker and appreciate hard work, right?
39:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Some of these people, not taking it away from them, they definitely did, sorry.
39:49
[SPEAKER_01]: They differently did their hard work, but I realized,
39:55
[SPEAKER_01]: They judged other people that may be worked hard.
40:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So they judged them according to status.
40:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, whoa, that's so far from what I appreciate because to me, I don't care if you're rich or not rich or if you come from a good family or whatever status you hold,
40:15
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, in the made up thing that we've created in society versus someone who's just diligent, right?
40:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Just it doesn't matter.
40:23
[SPEAKER_01]: They're just diligent.
40:24
[SPEAKER_01]: That's like a really respectable trait for me at least.
40:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, some of these dates I would sit there and I'd be like,
40:31
[SPEAKER_01]: learning about myself, right?
40:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And I still had to be present and I still had to bring 100% me to then prove to myself, okay, you gave it your all and this is not the right person, but just realizing on those dates, like this is not one after.
40:45
[SPEAKER_01]: So the five top 10% on these apps
40:52
[SPEAKER_01]: and if it's not, then what really is my top five or 10% that I'm seeking, right?
40:57
[SPEAKER_00]: But you've put a lot of time thinking about this of most people are following into regular habits.
41:04
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, most women are looking for the height first.
41:08
[SPEAKER_00]: That's probably like the biggest thing.
41:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Just like men, most men are looking for the most beautiful women.
41:14
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's just sort of like the way we were organized.
41:18
[SPEAKER_00]: But then it's just such a,
41:21
[SPEAKER_01]: question for you, then Ken, if that's most men and most women, then why not become not most men and not go for the most women that seek those things, right?
41:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Because most people don't think, most people don't think like, like, what you're saying.
41:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, go find the gym.
41:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I might have to take up my height.
41:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I need to take off my height on the on the on the dating apps because I have an unfair advantage.
41:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm six foot tall.
41:51
[SPEAKER_00]: So I need to take that down in order to line the camp field, find the gem.
41:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
41:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I have to take down some of the pictures because I have to do my skydiving diarrhea face pictures.
42:07
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just like real, you know, like realness, show realness, show who you are so that the person that you're seeking can actually connect to it because I think it's so easy.
42:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, the first batch of pictures I put, I was like, you know, me traveling, me and a bikini, me like, and then I was like, what kind of people am I trying to attract?
42:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm attracting, you know.
42:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what was I, and of course you want to feel good about yourself.
42:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's part of the apps is that when you get the flights and people are matching with you, you're like getting the dopamine kick right and for an 80 inch deep brain, this is like, this is like as as good as one child, right, you're like, yes, but
42:46
[SPEAKER_01]: No, that's not what you want.
42:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I, as I was whittling down, you know, filtering down the things, I was getting less matches, but they were quality matches.
42:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And they were people I actually would have wanted to chat to applied or been friends with, or, you know, and that's when I felt, ooh, I think I'm on the right track.
43:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And my husband, his first line on his profile was,
43:17
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a rally and I wasn't like a little bit of a puppet.
43:19
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like what is this guy?
43:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, it's already like, this is not a human person.
43:26
[SPEAKER_01]: It's so sweet.
43:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's so like, I don't know, I was like, yeah, I want to chat with this guy.
43:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And in the first conversation, I mean, we chatted for ages.
43:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, immediate, immediate.
43:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Can you ask me if I can take that line and put it on my profile?
43:41
[SPEAKER_01]: You can say the royalties.
43:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, he doesn't want those kind of royalties, though.
43:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll tell him to work with you on your on your disco.
43:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, yeah, what did he do, right?
43:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm concerned for my son, my daughter.
44:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I think we're creating this and it can't be stopped with the technology, but we're creating a world where it's a hyper leveraged.
44:10
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, with technology and algorithms.
44:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that eventually, I think it'll all like even out once the technology hits a plateau and that we can all figure out, you know, I've heard of this thing.
44:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I was talking about on the podcast recently on Bala podcast that there is AI services like this platform
44:40
[SPEAKER_00]: in your AI, their AI talks to each other and it just goes through all of the profiles and the AI's talk to each other and then they finally go, oh, we found a big match and now we are able to set you up for a date.
44:59
[SPEAKER_01]: That's insane.
45:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that is insane because how are we outsourcing
45:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, that's it.
45:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, interestingly enough though, what I am seeing as a trend that's happening is that offline is becoming so important now and so many people are starting to seek offline.
45:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think it gives me hope.
45:21
[SPEAKER_01]: It gives me so much hope for the younger generation because my daughter is only one.
45:25
[SPEAKER_01]: So, God knows what's gonna happen by the time she's ready to date.
45:29
[SPEAKER_01]: But what I am seeing is that people are definitely turning
45:34
[SPEAKER_01]: offline a lot more.
45:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So running clubs, you know, or, or separate clubs, anything that like people can just hang out with each other is becoming really hot in business and and in start-ups and stuff like that.
45:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's that's really cool to see.
45:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And second thing is in Vietnam, I saw
45:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Of course, I can't remember the name of their service, but I saw there's a speed dating service that just started and they help match people as well and and I was like, wow, this is like we've gone back, but actually how great is that because people get to meet each other in real life again and and and and talk and connect and and just you know take off the marketing of it all like I hate it that I had to do marketing.
46:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I hated it.
46:17
[SPEAKER_01]: I told you this.
46:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I wanted to go to a towel shop in Sicily and just have someone reach for the same tile.
46:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I wanted romance and marketing and having to read my stats was like anything but romantic, right?
46:31
[SPEAKER_01]: But I leveraged it and you can leverage this as some towards your own thing.
46:36
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, I'm really glad to see that more is headed towards human connection again.
46:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, they're seven and nine.
46:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Hopefully, by the time they're old enough, it would be more of that.
46:52
[SPEAKER_00]: We talked about how,
46:55
[SPEAKER_00]: previous generations of Vietnamese people have really killed the dating situation in side of their children.
47:04
[SPEAKER_00]: They're always like, you know, no, no, wait till high school to you date.
47:07
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, wait till college.
47:08
[SPEAKER_00]: No, no, no, wait till you get the job.
47:11
[SPEAKER_00]: And then all of those years that you're supposed to be learning how to date and the muscles that you need to develop are gone.
47:17
[SPEAKER_00]: They're obliterated.
47:18
[SPEAKER_00]: they've atrophied and you don't have that ability to kind of like figure out the whole dating schematic and you find yourself like in the job force with the inability to connect with and I think that that's happened to a lot of enemies kids that grow up inside Vietnamese culture.
47:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, completely so right and also the difference between how boys.
47:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
47:44
[SPEAKER_01]: the boys are allowed to date, but the girls are not, and so the girls are the ones that need more protection, right?
47:51
[SPEAKER_01]: The girls are the ones that need more help in distinguishing the right partner because, you know,
47:57
[SPEAKER_01]: According to their language, there's more to lose, right?
48:01
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's like, but then you don't allow the girls to date, but you want the boys to date, but then who are the boys dating?
48:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Then if the girls are not allowed to date, like, you know, crazy, crazy setup.
48:11
[SPEAKER_01]: So I didn't see that.
48:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And I mean, I've seen my brother's kids, because my brother's a lot older than me.
48:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And so his kids are already, one of the kids is not in uni.
48:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And he, he was allowed to date already since he was like 14, 15.
48:27
[SPEAKER_01]: been like having girlfriends and stuff and the parents are really supportive of it and I was always the one on call if he had a question like oh you know like what should I do I want to take a girl to the cinema or like what should I do if we're going to a party or like what you know like all these questions he would have or the first fight he had like I was very fortunate to be his trusted person to call and ask you know how
48:51
[SPEAKER_01]: do I solve this fight?
48:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what do I do if she's mad about at me about this?
48:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And being able to also be the voice of reason and say, but did you think about how she's thinking?
49:02
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, like what she's feeling?
49:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Have you thought about how she's feeling in this situation?
49:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Outside of the fact that you might feel hurt, like, did you think about the fact that she might be feeling hurt?
49:11
[SPEAKER_01]: You know,
49:22
[SPEAKER_01]: in a healthy relationship as a good boyfriend, right?
49:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what does it mean to be a good partner as well?
49:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm so glad that his parents allowed him to explore and then I'm glad that he was able to open up to us about all of it because he felt comfortable.
49:37
[SPEAKER_01]: But I feel like his sister, who's now next year going to uni.
49:41
[SPEAKER_01]: didn't get the same thing.
49:42
[SPEAKER_01]: So I struggle a lot more to, and, and I've had conversations with her one, like, do you like any boys, you know, is it?
49:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And I can sense that she's really scared to say anything because I think
49:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Her parents, you know, they don't want her to date because they're like, well, you can date later because now it's time to focus on studying.
50:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So, one like, well, that means you don't get to really, yeah, like you said practice and, yeah, grow.
50:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And do what everybody else does, you know, with being a teenager, doing stupid things, you know, that then teach you to not do stupid things.
50:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's a total pity.
50:18
[SPEAKER_00]: it's so unfair, it really isn't fair.
50:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if we answered the question, who do women need men in the book?
50:27
[SPEAKER_00]: I think you've got to be funny for this.
50:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
50:29
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, we're gonna pick up that answer in the next episode.
50:34
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you have like a ton of business knowledge and ideas about the workplace that you actually talk about so much and we're not even, we haven't even gotten to it, but I feel like,
50:45
[SPEAKER_00]: This whole dating thing and the outside world of men and women and dating apps were just scratching the surface and I think that we should pick it up some more because there's still some uncovered questions that I have.
51:01
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'm there for it.
51:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, my husband, I can spend, you know, six hours, you know, a night talking about humans and connection.
51:09
[SPEAKER_01]: So I, I love this subject, and I'm very grateful that you, you let me, you let me talk about it.
51:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, absolutely.
51:15
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and you know, you, you, you talked about coaching and you talked about, you know, if this young man is not able to kind of figure
51:29
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, this is something, are you offering this publicly, are you, what is this, uh, something that you are like?
51:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I hate the word coach.
51:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know why.
51:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it just has weird connotations, but I, and I'm very open with people on my channels as well.
51:45
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, I'm not a therapist.
51:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not an expert in anything.
51:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I just have spent over 2,000 hours in therapy.
51:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And I am deeply interested in this subject, and I have.
51:57
[SPEAKER_01]: a lot of experience with different things.
51:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So I share that experience and I think the main thing that it comes down to and I do offer services in different areas, including relationships, but also like work and other spaces is all kind of a.
52:15
[SPEAKER_01]: It's all connected.
52:16
[SPEAKER_01]: It's all communication and one point me.
52:18
[SPEAKER_01]: It's all mindset.
52:19
[SPEAKER_01]: It's all sitting within who you are and your mindset towards you and towards the world.
52:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And once you can like
52:28
[SPEAKER_01]: have that work for you, things just click into place.
52:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And like some news, you like, oh, the things I want, I think is there for me to get.
52:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, it just, it just becomes second nature, right?
52:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you learn how to tune out your metacognition, you know, like, start thinking about thinking, don't just think, think about how you think.
52:49
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and start like working on your neuroplasticity, you know, like how much are you working on your brain to work differently.
52:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Like all those things, they're so interrelated into who you are out there in the world, whether it is in work relationship, you know, love relationships, all that.
53:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And yes, I have a workshop coming up which I'm shamelessly plugging.
53:12
[SPEAKER_01]: But it is at the end of 21st of August, so that's actually the first workshop that I'm running on mindset and it is about the mindset of dating and and doing workshop on love specifically on how to date and the system that I had and how people can customize that system for them and you know can join the workshop man.
53:34
[SPEAKER_00]: That might not look the next episode we do in a few weeks should be how today, that I mean is that simple.
53:41
[SPEAKER_00]: How to date.
53:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And then we can shamelessly plug your work shop.
53:46
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it's great.
53:47
[SPEAKER_00]: How to date.
53:48
[SPEAKER_00]: That will be the next one.
53:49
[SPEAKER_00]: So stay tuned.
53:50
[SPEAKER_00]: All that thank you so much for today.
53:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much.
53:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you as usual.
53:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Great.
53:56
[SPEAKER_01]: A great chat always.
53:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you all.
53:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
54:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for listening to The Vietnamese with Kenneth Wynne.
54:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Special thanks to Brittany Tran, to Jane Wynne, Catherine Wynne, Tina Fam, Sydney Jamie, and Crystal Tran.
54:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Please find us on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok at The Vietnamese Podcast.