Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Handle a Direct Report Who Is Also a Mentor
Transcript
- Lucas: So Luna, I was thinking about something a listener wrote in about the other day. She just got promoted to a manager role, and one of her direct reports is the person who trained her on the job two years ago. Her old mentor. And she said she has no idea how to handle it. Luna: Oh, that's a tough one. It's like the ultimate role reversal. I mean, how do you give feedback to someone who used to critique your work? Lucas: Exactly. And it's not just about feedback. It's about the whole dynamic. You used to look up to this person, maybe you still do. But now you're their boss. And the power balance has completely shifted. It's a psychological puzzle. Luna: I bet. I mean, my first manager was amazing, but if I had to manage her tomorrow, I'd be a mess. The thought of telling her her project plan was off? No thanks. Lucas: Right. And that's exactly what this listener is facing. She said she's been avoiding having any real conversations with him because she's scared of coming off as arrogant or, worse, that he'll think she's forgotten everything he taught her. Luna: So what's the move? Do you just pretend the history doesn't exist and go full manager mode? Lucas: Well, that's the thing, Luna. You can't pretend the history doesn't exist, because it's actually a huge asset. But you also can't let it trap you. So the first step is to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Have a direct conversation early on, before any real work starts. Say something like, 'Hey, I know this is a bit awkward because you used to be my mentor. But I want to make sure we're both comfortable with how we work together now.' Luna: That sounds so simple. But I imagine it's not. I mean, what if they get defensive? What if they think you're trying to assert dominance? Lucas: That's the risk. But if you frame it as a partnership, not a power trip, it usually goes well. You're not saying, 'I'm your boss now.' You're saying, 'We have this history, and I still value your input. But for our work to function, we need to establish some ground rules.' And that's a much easier pill to swallow. Luna: Okay, so what kind of ground rules? Like, no more calling you 'kid' in meetings? Lucas: Ha. Maybe. But more seriously, you need to set boundaries around how decisions get made, how feedback is given, and how you both handle disagreements. For example, if you need to correct something they did, you do it privately, not in front of the team. And you also need to draw a line on the mentor stuff. You can't be their manager and their mentee at the same time. So you might say, 'Look, I'm happy to still give you career advice, but it's not going to be part of our one-on-ones. That's a separate conversation.' Luna: That makes sense. Separate the two roles. But what about the day-to-day? Like, when you have to assign tasks and they're like, 'Actually, I think we should do it this way'? Lucas: That's where it gets tricky. Because they have more experience in some areas, and you need to respect that. But you're the one who's accountable for the team's results. So you have to find a balance between leveraging their knowledge and asserting your authority. One technique is to ask for their input explicitly, like 'I know you have more experience with X. What would you suggest?' But then you make the final call. And if you disagree, you explain your reasoning. You don't just say, 'Because I said so.' Luna: Right. So it's about being respectful but also clear that the buck stops with you. Lucas: Exactly. And that's a lesson that applies to any new manager, mentor or not. But with a former mentor, there's an extra layer of emotional baggage. You might feel like you owe them something. Or you might be worried about hurting their feelings. So you have to be extra intentional about your communication. Luna: And what about the team? Do you tell them about the history, or do you keep it on the down low? Lucas: That's a good question. Generally, it's better to be upfront, but it depends on the culture. If everyone already knows, then you don't have to make a big deal about it. But if it's not common knowledge, you might want to have a quick conversation with your direct report and ask how they feel about it. Some people are totally fine with the team knowing, others might feel more comfortable keeping it private. Luna: Yeah, I can see that. I mean, if I had a mentor who became my manager, I'd want to talk about it openly so there's no gossip or weirdness. Lucas: And that's a valid approach. But the key is that you both agree on the story you're telling. Because if you're not on the same page, the team will pick up on the tension, and that's worse than any awkwardness of being transparent. Luna: So let's talk about the actual feedback piece. How do you give constructive feedback to someone who literally taught you how to do the job? Lucas: This is the most delicate part. Because you're not just correcting a behavior, you're potentially undermining their sense of identity. So you have to be really careful about how you frame it. Instead of saying, 'You did this wrong,' you can say, 'I see you did X. Can we talk about an alternative approach?' Or 'I've noticed that when we do Y, it causes a delay. What do you think about trying Z?' Luna: So it's more collaborative. You're not dictating, you're problem-solving together. Lucas: Exactly. And that works well with anyone, but especially with someone who's used to being the expert. You're acknowledging their expertise while still guiding the conversation. And if they push back, which they might, you don't get defensive. You listen, you acknowledge their point, and then you explain your reasoning again. It's a negotiation, not a command. Luna: What if they just won't accept it? Like, they think they know better and they ignore your feedback? Lucas: Then you have to escalate. You can say, 'I hear you, and I appreciate your perspective. But this is the direction we're going. Can you get on board?' And if they still resist, then you have to have a more formal conversation about expectations. You don't want to get to that point, but you have to be prepared for it. Because if you let it slide, you lose credibility with the whole team. Luna: That's a good point. I remember I had a manager who let one person walk all over him, and the rest of us were like, 'Uh, what's the point of you?' Lucas: Exactly. So you have to be firm. But there's also a positive side to this whole situation. Your former mentor is probably a high performer. They know the job inside and out. So you can leverage that. Ask them to help you with things, to be a peer coach to other team members, to run training sessions. That way, they feel valued, and you're using their strengths. Luna: So it's not all doom and gloom. It's actually an opportunity to have a super strong asset on your team. Lucas: Yeah, if you handle it right. And that's the thing. A lot of new managers get so caught up in the awkwardness that they forget this person is a goldmine of knowledge and experience. They can be your biggest ally if you treat them with respect and give them room to shine. Luna: So, what's the biggest mistake you see new managers make in this situation? Is it the avoidance thing? Lucas: I think avoidance is the biggest one, yeah. They just try to pretend the relationship is the same as before, or they try to overcompensate by being extra bossy. Both are bad. The best approach is to address it head-on, with honesty and humility. And that's hard because it requires you to be vulnerable in a way that feels risky. Luna: It's like you're admitting that you're now in charge, and that can feel weird if you're not used to it. Lucas: Right. And that's why it's so important to build your own support network. You need someone you can talk to about these challenges, whether it's a peer manager, a mentor of your own, or even a coach. Because you're not going to get it right every time, and you need a sounding board. Luna: That's actually something we talk about a lot on this show. And you know what? If you've been listening and you've found these conversations helpful, there's a way to support us. A handful of listeners chip in monthly through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, and that's literally what funds making this many of these. It keeps the show ad-free and lets us keep having these conversations with you. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small group, but it makes a big difference. And we're really grateful for it. But anyway, back to the topic. So another mistake is not setting clear expectations early. If you wait until a conflict arises to talk about boundaries, it's much harder. You have to be proactive. Luna: So, what would you say to someone who's in that first week as a manager and their former mentor is on their team? Like, what's the very first thing they should do? Lucas: I'd say schedule that one-on-one as soon as possible. And in that meeting, you're not talking about tasks or deadlines. You're talking about the relationship. You're saying, 'I want to make this work. I know it's a bit awkward. How are you feeling about it?' And then you listen. You don't just talk. You ask questions and you really hear what they have to say. Luna: And what if they say, 'I'm fine with it, no big deal'? Do you take that at face value? Lucas: That's a trap. Because they might be saying that to save face. So you have to dig a little. You can say, 'I know this can be weird. I've been thinking about it a lot. How would you feel if I had to give you feedback on something?' And see what they say. If they're like, 'Oh, that's fine, just tell me,' then great. But if they hesitate or say something like 'I'll try not to take it personally,' then you know there's a concern you need to address. Luna: So you have to read between the lines. That's not always easy when you're still trying to figure out your own role. Lucas: No, it's not. But that's why you practice. And you also have to be okay with not getting it perfect. You're going to stumble. I remember when I first became a manager, I had a similar situation. My mentor at the time, she was so gracious about it, but I still made mistakes. I once gave her feedback in a way that was too direct, and I could see she was taken aback. I apologized, and we talked about it. And that conversation actually brought us closer. Luna: So it can work out in the end. But it takes effort and a willingness to be vulnerable. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the takeaway here. Managing a former mentor is a test of your emotional intelligence, your communication skills, and your ability to navigate ambiguity. But if you approach it with humility and respect, you can turn a potentially awkward situation into a powerful professional relationship. And that's something that will serve you well throughout your career, because you're going to face similar transitions again. Maybe you'll become the mentor to someone who eventually becomes your boss. It's a cycle. Luna: That's a good point. And it's a reminder that leadership is not about being above people, it's about bringing out the best in them, no matter where they came from. Lucas: Well said, Luna. And that's what we're all trying to do, right? So if you're in that situation right now, take a breath. It's manageable. Just be honest, be kind, and be clear. You'll get through it.