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Are your Relationship Standards too High · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This Relationship Coaching Group LLC podcast is for general information and entertainment only, not professional advice.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: The full disclaimer is in our show notes.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to your Relationship Coaching Group podcast, where we keep it real, keep it light, and never lose sight of the importance of self-love and self-worth.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: So grab your favorite drink or your steering wheel and let's break down the patterns, behaviors, boundaries, and red flags that can help us build healthier relationships and stronger confidence in ourselves.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Are your relationship standards too high?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you simply tired of settling for less?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have a list of qualities you want in a partner, which would be emotional available, financially responsible, loyal, attractive, great communicator, ambitious, funny, and preferably able to assemble IKEA furniture without starting a relationship ending argument.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the real question.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have healthy relationship standards or have your standards quietly turned into a search for perfection?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, today we're talking about the difference between dating standards, deal breakers, preferences, and unrealistic well let me get that right, unrealistic expectations and how to know where the line is drawn.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Roxing, who just fumbled, your relationship coach with a background in behavior science, blending real science with practical advice.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a question.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Are your relationship standards too high?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna look at standards versus unrealistic expectations.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, this is something I hear and see a lot in modern dating.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: But the question is, are you asking too much?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I want to start by saying this having standards is not the problem.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, knowing what you need in a relationship can save you from getting involved with people who aren't a good fit for you.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes without realizing it, our standards can turn into expectations that no one can realistically live up to.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: You start out saying, I want someone who is emotionally available.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Then it turns into, I want someone who is emotionally available, financially successful, definitely attractive, spontaneous but predictive, independent, but always available, confident, but not intimidating, romantic, but not cheesy.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And at this point, you're not dating a person.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're listing the specs for a custom-built robot.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So let's look at where the healthy line is drawn.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: But before we get any deeper, I would like to say hello to my co-host, Professor.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, Professor, and thank you for joining us.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, this one's gonna be good.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know, let's do it.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, first point I want to make is standards are not the same as being picky.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Standards, as it pertains to relationships, it's the baseline of what you need to feel, what you need to feel respected, what you need to feel valued and emotionally safe.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And examples of standards we all should be looking for if what we want is a healthy relationship is honesty, respect, fidelity, emotionally available, and someone who commutes communicates well, have similar relationship goals, responsible, kind, and dependable.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what, Professor, these aren't unrealistic standards.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: These are actually the core values of a heavy relations of a healthy relationship.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: What do you say about that?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: You g uh there's nothing wrong with having healthy standards.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Standards get that can be met.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because some of the standards well, the yeah, that's just insane.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's the funny having standards is wanting someone with a job.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't expecting them to be a CEO, own three properties, and have Tuesdays free for brunch.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And one more, having standards is wanting someone who has a car and not expecting them to pull up in a Lamborghini.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Those are unrealistic expectations.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Very much so.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's a second point.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: What is an unrealistic expectation?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Can I give one?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, please go right ahead.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, six three, handsome, making five hundred thousand plus a year.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Has that Lamborghini mansion, all that stuff.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: That is a little unrealistic.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Hopeful, but unrealistic.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing: a lot of women have that ridiculous expectation.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: First, if you're not making that yourself, you're not walking in the circle of a man like that.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Secondly, you are looking for a man that is such a small percentage.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean 0.0.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Really small percent.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's facts.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: But unfortunately, we have this narrative that's being perpetrated by social media, some of these influence out there.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, don't settle.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, get the man you want, get this, get that, get this.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm sorry.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: That you're you're giving women unrich false hope.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I love that that you've said it before, hope loop, and they get stuck in that hope loop.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um no.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Be be realistic.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Be realistic.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: You you can't expect that you you know the average uh salary of an average man is between, I think it's uh today, I think it's fifty-five, sixty-five thousand a year, somewhere around about there.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's you know, that's average, you know.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: You then you get those that are like up to about a hundred thousand a year, but you you're expecting all of this, especially if you're someone in their 20s, you're expecting this 20-year-old, 25-year-old to be making this big hasn't even started life yet.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: But you see, they they see these influencers that are, oh, I'm making a million dollars a year and all that stupidness.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Half of that crap isn't even true, right?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and it pulls you in, too.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you see them in in these airplanes, so-called airplanes, and it's a mock airplane, it's not even real, right?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: But they portray this narrative that these women fall for.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Men are simple, yes.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: As long as you're cute, some men is butt and boobs, but it it a man is simple.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: As long as you're gonna love him, you're gonna be there for him, you're gonna have his back.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Men are simple.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and respectable.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they they they they're looking for respect.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're looking for a respectable woman.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if you're dressed in a uh a see-through outfit and he's taking you to work, work function, and you show up in a see-through outfit and you can see everything.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, do you think that that respectable man's gonna want you?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: So you you gotta have good men want good, wholesome women that are respectable, that have morals and standards.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's not interesting, you've got OF and whatever else's got going on there.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, talking about unrealistic expectations.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get me started.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I know you're on your soapbox.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's you wanting a partner who checks every box.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: The problem, people aren't Amazon or Lazata orders.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can't select tall, attractive, wealthy, romantic, funny, emotionally intelligent, great communicator, as we were talking before.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: All these things, adventurous, loves your dog, loves your family, loves your favorite TV shows, never annoys you.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Please note Amazon Prime will be delivering them by Friday.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Not gonna happen.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: I've been on Amazon Lazardo, Shoppy, you name me, I've been on it.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: And there is no such place for selections like that.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: But we sh we look at uh someone we want to choose like that.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we want everything perfect, and you will not find a perfect partner.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, remember, you know, somebody's cute looking today, but as time goes on, you're not as cute and as sexy as you were before.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, you and me say this before, it's Judge Judge Judy as a saying, beauty fades, but dummies forever, you know?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, you we've got to pick realistically and pick people that are going to uh compliment your lifestyle.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Compliment your lifestyle.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, exactly.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Looks isn't everything.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying you have to pick an ugly person, but pick someone who is going to match you.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that's very important.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna talk look at standards versus preferences.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: So let's look at the difference.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Standards is a non-negotiable based on your core values, your ethics, that you and that you would feel safe, respected, and valued.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: But preferences are flexible, whether you it's the likes or desires, based on your personal taste and lifestyle.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to ask yourself, is this a a trait that I need or just some something I prefer in my partner?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a woman and you're 5'2, right?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm, and you meet a man who is 5'8, 5'10, and then you say, Oh, he's too short for me.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I like my man to be six two.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: Stop it.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Get some help.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And and I've s I've seen more now uh where women are taller than the the man, and they and he's a good man, he's loyal, he's respectful, yep, and they're totally in love.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: I've met many of tall women who have guys that are a little bit shorter or way shorter, and they've said they don't care about the height, they want someone to love them unconditionally.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And they have a lot a lot of similarities and goals.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Pick right.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for for example, a standard would be I need someone who communicates respectfully.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a preference would be I prefer someone who is emotionally self-aware.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: And another standard would be I need someone who wants a committed relationship.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Those are non-negotiables.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you if you want a committed relationship and they still they're still out in the field, that's not gonna work.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: But a preference is I want someone who supports my dreams.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another standard.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I need someone financially responsible.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I need a partner who's financially responsible.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you have someone who like loves to gamble, that's not financially responsible.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's something wrong with somebody financially responsible.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Have your standards, yeah.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And but also look at what you prefer as well.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: There's the difference between I want that six-figure dude, then to the guy who's working hard, has a good job, he has a house, a car, you know, bills are all paid.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing wrong with have being with a guy like that who who is doing the right thing.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Having a preference of someone who is stable and financially secure, that that's that's a preference.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: But you find women who But if you need somebody who's making six figures, uh those are standards that you may not you may not see.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: But then you have those that come all the way on the other end of the spectrum.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: You pick a guy, has no job, no car, no nothing, because he's he's he's fine.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: So again, standards are about what you require for a healthy relationship.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Preferences are about personal taste or desires.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Neither's wrong, professor.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Neither's wrong, but understand the difference.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, consequences, yes, yes, and that can help you avoid passing up someone who who's wonderful because of something that isn't actually a deal breaker.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: There are plenty of guys.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um there was a uh a show I watched, and the woman wanted to leave him because she didn't feel like he was motivated.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think we may have seen the same show.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And when I asked why, well, because um he goes to work, he pays all he does all he does everything, pays the bills, take care of she's his good dad, all this stuff.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: But because he's not motivated like how maybe she might want him to be, does that make him a bad person?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe right now he's focused on taking care of the kids and the household.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: He pays all the bills.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: She has nothing to want for, but because he's not a go get her the way that she might want him to be, he's not a good man.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding me?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, and that's looking at what she would uh those are high standards.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Those are those are unexpected Expectations.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: Don't put what you you would a lot of time women have this view of what a man should be.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: A man gets up, goes to work every single day, takes care of his families, his kids aren't hungry, the bills are paid, there's a roof overhead, and you want to condemn them?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's the thing standards help you find the right person, but unrealistic expectations will lead you to reject everybody.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're say your expectations are way too high.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's reality.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's uh let's let's look at deal breakers.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Deal breakers, deal breakers know what you shouldn't negotiate.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Those are deal breakers.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Some things should be deal breakers, for example, uh abuse, chronic dishonesty, repeated infidelity, disrespect, controlling behavior, differences towards marriage and children, or don't communicate nor take responsibility.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: These should be deal breakers.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because especially, well, we had um there was a client a couple of months ago, uh, they went into a relationship not wanting children, both of them.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: But then something changed when they got married.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then one wanted children and the other still stuck by their stood by their decision they didn't want.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: So and that causes a a riff.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: No, I mean you may have the desire and you may want to have children, but if this is something you've discussed and you both agreed, no, neither one of you wanted, and that's it.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: And and now that you're married now, and maybe your hormones change or your thoughts have changed, you can't put that on your partner because you're you've already established that in the beginning of the relationship.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and believe it or not, but that ended to them filing for divorce.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: That was a big deal breaker.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And a deal breaker, it it's not being difficult.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: It just helps you recognize this relationship isn't for me.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: But you really should have those deal breakers.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: If deal breakers come up, then you need to stop the relationship.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get into a marriage situation because that really muddies up the water.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: More muddies.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: And here's a low light.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: A red flag says, proceed with caution.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know what a deal breaker says?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Any guess, Professor?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: Go for it.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Proceed without me.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now, are you looking for compatibility or perfection?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is something you have to ask yourself.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: And because this is where dating can get really tricky.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people aren't looking for someone compatible, they're looking for someone impressive.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now there's a difference.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't want to ask, you don't want to ask, do they have the perfect career?
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: As we're talking, Professor, ask, do we share similar values?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ask, do they live a successful life?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: And success really comes down to what's what success means to the person.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: Success is different for everybody.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: You have to ask yourself, do I feel respected?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Respected is very important in a relationship.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And and don't ask, do they say all the right things?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: But ask yourself, can we handle differences calmly?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think about that, Professor?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that's uh we we've talked about some of these things, right?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: Podcasts.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: Communication, communicate and communicate.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, some more.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: You can't over-communicate because when everything is out and everybody underst is on the same playing field, makes life a lot easier.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, exactly.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: And you've got to be straight with whoever it is that you're trying to take, get to know, be straight up front.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I'm looking for.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: And as the the the reciprocated person, if you hear all these things and you go, you know what, I appreciate your standards, but this is not for me.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Know your standards, know your deal breakers before you move on.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because chemistry doesn't always equal compatibility, neither does perfection.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: But love often grows where patience, trust, and effort meets.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: You you uh a lot of time we take love and we run with it.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh, I love them, oh I love them, I love them.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: But then when you get to know them, but you still keep telling yourself that you love them and you ignore all those things.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, because it takes a lot more than just love to make a relationship work.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we listed some of some of those earlier.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: But now, question is have dating apps made our standards too specific?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, dating apps can encourage us to think we're shopping from an enormous catalog of potential partners, swipe left, swipe right, next.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, what's your take on dating apps?
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know you have an opinion.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna say this.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not opposed to it, but you have to approach it with caution.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because the package that is shown to you is not always the package you get.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's easy to filter, make yourself slimmer, better looking, abs.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you meet in person, you look at your phone, you look at the person in front of you going, What the hell?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: You don't look nothing like that.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: And not only that, but they can put anything they want in in their description about about the people will put all type of stuff in the description.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, people use AI to write their description uh to make themselves seem better.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: They may they may even put their financial advisor and their and their teller at the bank.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, you have to be really take what you see on these dating apps with a really small pinch of salt.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, because dating apps can make you think that there's always someone better waiting one swipe away.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, and you may not be swiping to a prize, you may be getting a booby prize.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know that it use apps.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: But be cautious on using these apps.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we we uh did a podcast on dating apps and what have you.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: But people are in a relationship, right?
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: But they're still on dating apps.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Again, thinking that what they have may not be what uh what they prefer having their preference so their expectations may be higher than who they have.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: But if you know, and they may have someone who's respectful, responsible, and who and who loves them.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: Women tend to go look for the grass greener on the other side more than men.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: And when they go to that grass that's greener on the other side, they realize it's not grass, it's prickly weeds, and then they want to come back.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: And when the guy says, Hell no, why?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: I thought you loved me.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: Then they start playing this game of putting a guilt thing on the person.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and when I think about dating apps, dating apps can sometimes turn relationships into online shopping.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: People spend more time comparing features than appreciating what they already have in their cart.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of what we're saying.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they they have someone who's l loves them and and has all the great qualities that help a relationship grow, but something's missing.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: And they go they go to the app and shop for that for that missing one quality that they may not have.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: I I met a guy and we were chatting, and he met his um wife to be at a uh supermarket.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: And he said that she was kind of reluctant to talk to him because she had no makeup and she was in sweatpants and everything else.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: But he said, I got to see the real her.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, I liked, but he said, when we went out for a date, he said, it took me a minute to adjust because now I'm looking at somebody different.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: He said, She was beautiful, but I felt a little deceived.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: The qualities weren't there that he thought.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: What he thought, you know, because he's looking at somebody that now has got all the makeup on and everything else and looks completely different than the person he saw in sweatpants and and no makeup.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and sometimes that turns people off because now you're not who you say you are, especially for men.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: When you meet somebody and they don't look like what you say you are.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because men are very visual.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, real relationships aren't products.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: A person who doesn't perfectly match your initial standards may actually be an excellent partner.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: And just because you're you have you have to kind of go back and look at your your your standards and see if this partner actually meets what you're you're looking for.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you may not get every single thing that you're wanting, but you may have the right things that make that relationship per perfect.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: Perfect.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: If you meet someone and you don't like like their tennis shoes, that that's okay.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: They can buy new shoes.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because your your your initial standards can turn in into a preference.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because as I said, your standards may be too high, but once you get to know this person, you might say, okay, all right.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well he's not a uh he's not making he's not in this six-figure bracket, but he's financially secure.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: He may not be a gorgeous Hollywood hunk star, but he's adorable.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: So look at if check, see if your standards are too high for who you're with.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: Uh let me tell you one of the things that it drives me nuts when I hear this saying, he's too nice.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh stop it.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, he's too what do you want him to do?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: Beat the hell out of you and call you names and then.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: And not only that, but sometimes it's it's it's the opposite.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they they say that the that their partner, their female partner, are too friendly.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they're saying hi to the waiter and smiling and saying thank you.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: And why you know why are you looking at him like that?
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: Why you just have to smile at him?
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: My goodness, this m makes a nice person.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: Who's cordial to I'd rather have somebody who's nice to the waiter and then someone get me this, give me that, get me right.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: And look look at this.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: Are your standards protecting you or keeping you from or keeping everyone out?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is a particular important question because sometimes again, we're talking about high standards, are generally healthy.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Other times they can become a protective wall.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: If nobody ever qualifies to be your partner, you might want to ask yourself, am I being too selective?
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or it is my guards up too high and not letting someone in.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: You have to think about that.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for some, it may be safer to say, nobody's good enough, rather than to say, I'm afraid to let someone close enough to hurt me.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's where self-awareness becomes important.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because if any parts of your psyche is off, maybe it's time to get professional help.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the perfect partner may be may look great on paper, but missing in reality.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's a completely fictional character.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because you won't find a perfect partner.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then a perfect partner like a unicorn, but better at texting.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: Expectations gone wrong.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Unicorns cannot text.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we uh I love this episode because this is things that both men and women do it.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_01: We have expectations, and there's nothing wrong with having healthy expectations, real expectations, expectations that are considered reasonable.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_01: But the moment you keep you start adding these unrealistic expectations, and it overshadows what real expectations are, that's where you trip up.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's where you trip up.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: And then you wonder why you can't find anyone because you've been on dates, but you don't want to give them the chance because they're too nice, or they're not they're not handsome enough, they're not tall enough, and they're taller than you, but you want them to be 6'3.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: We we've seen that.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: We've seen that.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's like be realistic.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're 5'4 and the the guy's 5'11, and and you need taller?
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: You already have to stand on a box just to give him a kiss.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: And look at this.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ex are you expecting from others what you don't give to yourself?
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is a very sharp question.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because what do you want in a relationship?
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want emotional maturity, good communication, loyalty, accountability, kindness, stability?
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: You have to ask yourself, do I bring those qualities into the relationship?
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's saying that again.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do I you have to look, do you bring those qualities into the relationship, all that you want in from a relationship?
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: You have to bring the same thing.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: Speak the truth, then.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Standards work best when they go both ways.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not bringing to the relationship what you expect to get from it, that can be a problem.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_01: And if I hear I bring the table nonsense one more time on the screen.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now listen, you can't demand a five-star relationship while giving a two-star customer service.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the perfect partner myth, there is no perfect partner.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: These are they're they're good partners who are imperfect.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: Someone can be loving but still be emotionally unavailable.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: They can communicate but avoid conversations that matter.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: They could be confident but sometimes insecure.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: Romantic, but avoid commitment.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they could even be responsible but still be the wrong partner.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: A great partner, but still making you feel lonely.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: So there is no no perfection when it comes to a partner.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, first thing you gotta look at yourself.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: Are you perfect?
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, no.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_01: No, we're not perfect.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I I'm borderline.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_01: You said you're borderline.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm borderline perfect.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_01: But but there's no such thing as perfect.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just make that clear.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I need the perfect guy, I need the perfect this, and I need the perfect that, I need the perfect house.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_01: The fairy tale story is unrealistic.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the goal isn't to find someone who never disappoints you, it's to find someone whose values, behaviors, and relationship goals are compatible with yours and someone who is willing to grow with you.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's a question to determine if your standards are too high.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: I have a few questions for you.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: One, are you looking for a compatible partner or a perfect person?
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do you do you expect focus more on character or on a checklist?
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: And have you rejected good potential partners over issues that don't affect the quality of the relationship?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: And are you willing to meet the standards you expect from someone else?
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the last one.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: When you meet someone kind, compassionate, and compatible, do you focus more on what they have or what they don't have?
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in closing, this is something I'd like you to chew on.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Don't lower your standards.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: Keep your values high and your expectations realistic.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to accept disrespect just not to be single.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to date someone you're incompatible with just because they're interested in you.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: But don't overlook a great person just because they don't check every box on your list.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: Standards should help you choose wisely, not prevent you from choosing at all.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, any last words?
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_01: When you're gonna be with that person, find that person, you always have to ask yourself, is this the person that's gonna bring me peace, that's gonna love me unconditional, who's gonna be by my side, build a family, and a successful career uh together, a life together.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's what you should be asking yourself.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: So in those are the important things.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're very important.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: So the question again, are your standards too high?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, maybe not.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: But before you lower your standards, I want I want you to do something different.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: Get clear about them.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: Know the difference between your needs, your preferences, your deal breakers, and your unrealistic expectations.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: Don't settle for someone who doesn't respect you, value you, or don't want the same kind of relationship you want.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just remember, don't look for a perfect person.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're more than likely you won't find them.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: Look for someone who's compatible, emotionally healthy, willing to communicate, willing to grow with you, and willing to build a healthy, loving relationship with you.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just as the professor just said.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: Know that healthy dating isn't about finding someone who checks every box of your expectations.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's about finding someone whose values, behaviors, and relationship goals fit the life you're trying to build.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe the question isn't, are your standards too high?
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the better question is, are your standards helping you find the right person or keeping the right person away?
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: And again, don't lower your standards.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: Make them clear, realistic, intentional, and healthy.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: And Professor, we're gonna leave it there for today.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because relationships are a journey, and we want to thank all of you listeners for allowing us to be a part of it.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for allowing us in your home or in your car.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: And if this episode resonated with you, please like, follow, download, and share it with someone who may need to hear this conversation.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you can find us at relationship coaching group.com where you can email us if you have questions, comments, or want to learn more about the services we offer, or even learn a little bit more about us.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, keep growing.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: Choose relationships that bring out the best in you.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: Stand by your boundaries, and remember, relationships are built from a place of respect, trust, and emotional maturity.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: And together, we got this.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: We got you!