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Everyday Life on the Struggle Bus · The Opinion You Didn’t Ask For

• 0:00
  You know that girl who wakes up at 6:00 AM to workout?
• 0:04
  Never has greasy hair, her legs are always shaved, there's no
• 0:09
  dirty dishes in her sink, she doesn't raise her voice at her
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  kids, she's always patient and kind, and she's never had a bad
• 0:17
  day? Yeah, I am not her.
• 0:20
  She is not me. We are not the same.
• 0:37
  You guys welcome back to the opinion didn't ask for I'm
• 0:41
  Hannah and I'm going to be honest, I have been a hot mess
• 0:47
  the last few weeks. OK, I have struggle bust through
• 0:54
  many of days and no, nothing happened.
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  You might be like, oh, my goodness, are you OK?
• 0:59
  Yeah. No, I'm fine.
• 1:00
  Your girl just she's had a rough few weeks.
• 1:03
  And I struggle when I have rough weeks because I'm like, pull
• 1:08
  yourself together. Like your life is not that hard.
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  There are better people with bigger struggles.
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  OK. You need to just get over
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  whatever you're dealing with, OK?
• 1:19
  I am not gentle to myself at all, OK.
• 1:22
  So I feel like I have. I don't know, been frustrated
• 1:27
  with myself that I have kind of postponed doing everything.
• 1:33
  I feel like every single day has just been a battle to get to the
• 1:36
  end of the day. And I told my husband it felt
• 1:41
  inauthentic to make an episode that I wasn't fully passionate
• 1:46
  about. Not because I wasn't actually
• 1:48
  passionate about the topic, but because I wasn't fully in it.
• 1:52
  My heart was not in it. So I kind of just didn't make an
• 1:56
  episode. And it was so sweet how many
• 1:59
  people have reached out to me and told me how much they love
• 2:03
  this and how proud of me they are.
• 2:06
  I got this message this week that was telling me how I
• 2:09
  inspire them by doing this and how great I'm doing.
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  And they're like, you know, your name means favored by God,
• 2:16
  right? And so you know how they're
• 2:18
  like, oh, parents don't have favorites.
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  Well, apparently God does. And apparently I'm one of them.
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  So that's going to become my whole new personality at this
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  point though, like I'm God's favorite.
• 2:28
  So why would I be struggling? OK, why would I be having a hard
• 2:31
  day? But that's just not realistic.
• 2:34
  OK, I'm going to have bad days. I am going to have hard weeks.
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  And I never want, like people can say a lot of things about
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  me. I don't care but I told my
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  husband the things I hope people can never say about me is that I
• 2:50
  am 2 faced or inauthentic or fake.
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  And he just started laughing and he's like, those are not words I
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  think anyone would use to describe you.
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  Like I am so brutally honest and I am so real to the point where
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  it's a little painful. It's like, OK, girl, maybe dial
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  yourself back just a titch, OK? But I didn't want to put
• 3:12
  something out there that was not me being fully me and me being
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  so invested in something that I'm so passionate about.
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  And so that is why it's taken me a hot minute to be able to even
• 3:26
  do this. And then I realized maybe I'm
• 3:28
  not the only person struggling in the world.
• 3:30
  Like maybe I'm not the only person who has goals and dreams
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  and wants to do things. And their biggest accomplishment
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  for the day was getting out of bed and getting their kids to
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  school. OK, you know what?
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  That is a win. It is a total win.
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  But for me, I sometimes make my own life harder.
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  And so last week, I was getting my daughter ready for school and
• 3:53
  my husband decided he wanted to pick a fight with me.
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  I promise he really didn't. Bless this man.
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  You know what? All the prayers for Taylor at
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  this point. That man deserves an award for
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  what he he lives through. OK but he said something and I I
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  got mad. So I'm getting my daughter ready
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  for school. I am livid.
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  I get in the car, I drive her to school drop her off as I am
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  driving home. You guys I am just steam coming
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  out of my ears. I am so mad at him.
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  How dare he. The audacity of this man.
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  And I just I start everything he does bothers me.
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  The way he chews bothers me, the way he breathes bothers me.
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  OK, I am. I'm ready to fight.
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  OK, I'm just mad while I walk in the door and he's sitting at the
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  table working and he doesn't say anything.
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  And so that made me extra mad. And so our son was watching TV
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  and I start rage cleaning and I'm thinking he needs to go
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  downstairs. Like he needs to go to his
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  office. This is my space.
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  It's my work area, which I'm sure feminists would love that.
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  Like the kitchen is my workspace.
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  You know what, it sure is. I had a lot of dishes to do.
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  Home Girl had procrastinated them.
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  So I for 30 minutes am scrubbing my dishes and the whole time I
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  am just so bothered that he is sitting there and I want him to
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  go downstairs to his office so bad because he is just annoying
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  me. OK and so do you want to know
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  what this man had the nerve to say to me while I am rage
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  cleaning, while I am so mad at him, he goes I love you and woof
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  that sent me from zero to 47,000,000 on the angry scale.
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  And I was just like you need to go to your office.
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  This is my space. And he is just shocked because
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  what? And he's all, First off, you are
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  not banishing me out of my own house, which you know what valid
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  because that's just not appropriate.
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  And I want to clarify that I am so obsessed with this man.
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  He is so perfect and wonderful that I will usually text him and
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  be like, hey, do you want to come upstairs and work from up
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  here so you can hang out with me?
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  Or I will just go down to his office and sit there and yap
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  while he works because I just want to be around him.
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  OK? This is very unlike me, but I
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  was just mad. I was so angry.
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  And so he gets up and he hugs me and all of a sudden I just
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  realize, I think I'm going to start my period.
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  And he just starts laughing and he's like, I should have known
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  like I and I'm like, OK. And he's like, you know what?
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  All is forgiven. I'm like, what do you what do
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  you mean all is forgiven? Sir?
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  If things were the other way around, it would take me 3 to 5
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  business days to get over this. OK, but you're just ready to,
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  like, let me off the hook for acting like a sociopath over
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  absolutely nothing, OK. It was something so small that I
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  don't even remember what it was about.
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  That is how silly this was. And he's just ready to forgive
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  me. And of course, so then
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  immediately I'm feeling like a terrible wife.
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  How awful am I? Like, this poor man has suffered
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  through a lot being married to me.
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  OK. But I did in the moment.
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  It felt so real. It felt so valid.
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  It wasn't OK. I am fully aware that it was not
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  valid. He is fully aware it was not
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  valid but he had so much love and grace for me which bless
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  him. OK.
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  And then a few days later I was at my daughter's dance and a
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  couple of the moms asked how we liked being at the studio
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  because we moved my daughter dance studios and tell me why.
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  I almost immediately started crying when they asked me that.
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  OK, I am not a super emotional human being.
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  Sometimes I do not react the right way.
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  Like people will be crying and I will just be sitting there.
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  And sometimes Taylor's like, you need to like come alive a little
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  bit. Like I just, I don't know.
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  Sometimes I emotionally just kind of shut down that I'm like,
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  I just don't care enough. OK?
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  Why was I about to start crying when these women asked me how we
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  liked the dance studio? OK, that is the stupidest thing
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  I've ever heard. But my emotions just felt so
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  heightened. OK, I have been the driver of
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  the Hot Mess Express. OK?
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  I have just had a rough few weeks and I wanted to get over
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  it. I kept telling myself to get
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  over it. Like there are bigger issues in
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  this world than that, OK? There totally are.
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  Like you are not having the hardest day on earth right now.
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  You're just not. But to me it felt so valid.
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  It felt so hard. OK, Everything just felt so hard
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  to me that my day was a win if I got up and worked out, got my
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  kids to school, you know, had some dishes done, not all of
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  them, just some of them. And then the kids were in bed at
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  a decent ish hour and some of you were like that is the bare
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  minimum. OK maybe for you not for me.
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  I am surviving over here. OK me I am treading water right
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  now and I hate working out at home.
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  I love the gym, I love going to a gym but at the moment we don't
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  have access to a real gym. So I have been working out from
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  home and I hate it. OK.
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  I just do because it's never it doesn't ever feel validating.
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  Like I'm always just like, was that it?
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  Is that all I've done? OK?
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  I feel like I should have been doing more, but one morning I
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  was working out and my older two were at school and my 2 year old
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  cage is just walking around eating his breakfast watching
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  Mickey Mouse and I'm working out.
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  And we had told him to kind of stay out of the way while I was
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  doing my workout. And I'm doing some squats and
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  all of a sudden I do a squat and I feel something hit me in the
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  rear end and I turn around and I've knocked him over 'cause he
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  walked into me while I'm doing a squat.
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  And I'm like perfect. This wouldn't happen at the gym.
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  OK, I'm not going to be having random children walking into my
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  rear end while I'm trying to squat.
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  OK, that just that wouldn't happen at a real gym.
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  So here I am at the home gym, annoyed.
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  But I have goals, I have dreams. I have to figure it out.
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  OK, so like I said, it's been rough.
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  OK? It has been rough for no reason
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  other than I think I'm just. I feel like I'm just in this
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  weird little phase where not everything is so perfect and
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  seems great. And I think I compare a lot of
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  my life to how other people seem to be living and what they seem
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  to have. And I've been thinking a lot
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  about the quote, the like, we all have the same 24 hours in a
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  day. And I know that Kim Kardashian
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  and Molly may have both been, I mean, just destroyed online for
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  making these comments publicly because it's so tone deaf,
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  right? Like it seems so ridiculous for
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  them to say like, we all have the same 24 hours.
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  Like you should just be doing more.
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  You should just be. Because I go to bed at night
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  thinking, wow, I really did not do enough.
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  OK, I just did not do enough today.
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  There are people who do 10 times more things in one day than I do
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  in a whole week. And that is actually a fact.
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  OK, I am I'm a bare minimum kind of gal.
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  So that can often make me feel like I am behind that I am less
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  than because I'm not constantly doing something every second of
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  every day. And I am very much a homebody.
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  I love to be home. But I understand like I
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  understand the science of we all have the same 24 hours facts.
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  That is not disputable. OK, This is not up for
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  negotiation. That is just a fact.
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  However, we do not all have the same luxuries.
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  We don't have the same opportunities.
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  OK? I don't have a custom home gym
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  or a nanny or a personal chef. Actually that is false.
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  I do. I'm married my personal chef and
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  he's incredible OK, But he also has a real job and he can't just
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  be constantly making food and that's all he does, K.
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  He has other things to do in his day, but we don't have the same
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  opportunities as other people. And so sometimes I feel like I
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  will lessen myself because I'm like, well, I didn't get this
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  done. And look at how this other
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  person lives and how many things they get done in a day.
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  And then one day I sat down and I, I was just flustered because
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  I'm like, why don't I do more? Like, why am I the way I am?
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  And I want to change and I want to change all these things about
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  myself. And I started listing everything
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  I had done that day. And it was a long list, OK?
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  It was not small. It was waking up and getting the
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  kids ready for school and doing dishes and like 5 loads of
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  laundry and working out and taking my daughter to dance and,
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  you know, getting them home and getting them ready for bed and
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  cleaning up the toys and doing all these things.
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  And I realized that that list was a lot longer than I knew.
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  But in my mind, those weren't things to praise.
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  Those were not big accomplishments.
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  Those are just expectations. Those are the bare minimum.
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  But it's not not every single day can I give 110%.
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  Not every single day can I, you know, build Rome, OK?
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  Rome wasn't built in a day. I am not even building Rome, OK?
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  I simply can't expect to change my life in one day.
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  I can't expect to create something magical in one day.
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  OK? And not every single day am I
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  going to show up and be my best self.
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  I'm not going to be the most patient mom every single day
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  because that's just not realistic.
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  I am not going to be the most patient wife every day.
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  OK? At least once a month for a few
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  days, I'm going to be a psychopath.
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  Apparently that's just unfortunately a fact for him.
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  But I try to show up every single day.
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  I try to be better than I was yesterday.
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  And so I think that that has been something the last few
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  weeks that I have been really trying to be more gracious with
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  myself that like, no, I am not perfect.
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  No, I do not have it all together, but I really am
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  trying, right? Like, I want to be better.
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  I want to accomplish things. But then I also find myself
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  struggling with even just doing this podcast and not feeling
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  like an imposter, right? Like I sometimes feel like I am
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  trying to be someone that I'm not, but I'm not.
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  Like this is my personality. Like, this is who I am.
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  But on social media, I feel like I have to, you know, put stuff
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  out there. And I don't want people to think
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  like, oh, she just is trying to be an influencer.
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  Oh, she's trying to be, you know, like, call her Daddy or
• 15:07
  The Toast or, you know, honestly, those I think are the
• 15:09
  only two podcasts I even know, if we're being completely
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  honest. OK, I'm sure there's others, but
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  we all know I don't listen to podcasts.
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  So this is, you know, that's just what I could remember.
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  I'm not trying to be something that I'm not.
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  I'm not trying to be famous. I'm not trying to be an
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  influencer and go viral and have all this attention.
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  That's just not me. If you don't know me, that is
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  just not my personality at all. And this is very outside of my
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  wheelhouse, OK. And I, I think sometimes people
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  think that there's no reason to start or try because, you know,
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  there's no need for more. But this week I have had so many
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  messages. And I don't say this to be like,
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  I've had so many messages. OK, Nope, that's not.
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  I don't think people realize sometimes that I need to be told
• 16:02
  you're doing a great job. We need more.
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  Like, thank you so much for saying this.
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  And I think my last episode was a lot for me because it was so
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  personal. It was so unplanned.
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  That is not a part of my life I planned to share, especially not
• 16:19
  publicly, but the responses that I have received of so many
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  people reaching out and thanking me and telling me about their
• 16:26
  struggles or their journeys or their faith or their
• 16:30
  relationships with God, it was all worth it.
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  Like that was a lot for me. That was a part of my struggle
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  is that that was just emotionally a lot for me.
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  But to be able to hear, hey, the things that you said really
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  helped me or like, I really hope I can get there one day.
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  I truly hope and pray over every single episode that I'm able to
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  say something that helps even just one person.
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  And I told my husband before I started this whole podcast, I
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  don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm doing this,
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  but if there is one person who is helped or healed or feels
• 17:08
  seen or feels the desire to just keep showing up in their own
• 17:13
  life or for their family because of one random episode, whatever
• 17:17
  episode it may be, I have no idea the impact.
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  I truly pray that that one person will hear it and be like,
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  this was for me OK? Because I don't know what I'm
• 17:28
  doing. I, I am still driving that
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  struggle bus. I am still showing up with no
• 17:35
  idea what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm here, OK?
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  And I'm showing up and I hope you do too.
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  I hope you know that you showing up at 20% every single day is
• 17:48
  enough until you get to 30 or 40 or 50%, OK?
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  We're not always going to be moving at 100% capacity.
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  We are not always going to be accomplishing every goal and
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  dream. And checklists.
• 18:01
  I love checklists and I'm constantly disappointed by my
• 18:04
  checklist because I didn't get things done.
• 18:07
  Why is it crippling for me to drive to Costco?
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  I don't know you guys. We live 10 minutes from Costco.
• 18:15
  I could go to Costco and back in less than an hour.
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  OK, I mean less than that, but let's be real, it's Costco.
• 18:21
  I'm going to get distracted, but it takes me days to mentally
• 18:27
  prepare to go to Costco. OK, If you're in that stage, I
• 18:31
  see you. OK.
• 18:33
  I have the desire. I know I need to go.
• 18:36
  I just keep putting it off. And we've been out of syrup four
• 18:40
  days. Do you know what?
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  My kids have breakfast that don't require things, that use
• 18:45
  syrup so that I don't feel bad that I haven't gone, but that
• 18:49
  they also don't realize Mom hasn't gone to Costco.
• 18:51
  Even though it's not that hard to go.
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  OK, It's just not. But some days it is OK.
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  Some days my biggest accomplishment is that I got out
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  of bed. And if that's where you're at, I
• 19:02
  see you. I saw this post and it made me
• 19:05
  laugh so hard. Not that it was funny.
• 19:07
  It wasn't funny at all, to be honest.
• 19:09
  But this guy woke up and ran a marathon in New York, and that
• 19:16
  night he was on Broadway in a show like he was on the stage
• 19:21
  performing. That man did more in 24 hours
• 19:25
  than I've done in 24 years, OK? I've never run a marathon.
• 19:29
  I've never been on Broadway, OK. He's out there accomplishing so
• 19:33
  many goals and dreams that he's worked so hard for.
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  Kudos to him. That is not me.
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  OK? I ran a 5K once, almost threw up
• 19:42
  at the end, but I did it. If that's where you're at, that
• 19:46
  is OK. You do not need to be running a
• 19:49
  marathon and being on Broadway in one whole day.
• 19:52
  Just keep doing what you can do, OK?
• 19:55
  Be yourself, be genuine, be authentic.
• 19:59
  And that's my problem is when people ask how I'm doing, I'm
• 20:01
  like, I don't know if you actually want the answer because
• 20:04
  this may be a whole episode, OK? I may give you a whole episode
• 20:09
  on how I'm actually doing. And you're going to be like, I
• 20:12
  didn't actually care. I didn't actually want to know
• 20:14
  all of that. Well, too bad.
• 20:16
  You shouldn't have asked how I'm doing, OK?
• 20:18
  So I'm sure I'll get out of this funk OK, but it's OK to be in
• 20:22
  Seasons, it's OK to be in Funks. Just know you're not alone and
• 20:27
  you are not expected to run at 100% capacity at all times.