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Empowering Veteran Transition: Brenda Warren's Journey from Military Structure to Civilian Life and Family Connection · Your Thoughts Your Reality

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome to your Thoughts, your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Michael is a dual elite certified neuro encoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles procrastination, self-doubt, fear and more.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Hello, hello, hello everybody.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Listen, we have one of our favorites on here today.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: We have Brenda Warren the solutionist on again, and let me just tell you a little bit about Brenda and we'll get rolling.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: She's a retired Marine Corps gunnery sergeant with over 30 years of leadership experience, specializing in self-care, spiritual growth and cultivating healthy relationships.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: Three-time best-selling author, creator of the Tap-In Method, which I'm sure we're going to talk about, as we always do.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: So fantastic Mindset and self-publishing expert and dedicated advocate for veterans and, of course, their families.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: So, brenda, thank you so much for being on.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: I mean, we were just yakking before we got on here, so I guess we continue that.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Please tell us just a little bit more about yourself for people that haven't seen you on yet.
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: I think the main thing is to know is I am the mother of the amazing Alex.
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: That's one of my greatest accomplishments to date, and you know my passion for fellow veterans and helping them live their best life now.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: No opportunity wasted is something that I'm excited about, so that's why I love coming to your show and having any conversation that relates about veterans.
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: You've already given the main things, the synopsis, so I think we're good to go.
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: We want to talk about our veterans.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: Fantastic, thank you.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: And just before we get started, everybody on the top right corner of your screen.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: I always point the wrong way.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: There is a blue QR code.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: Please download that.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: It takes you to empowerperformancestrategiescom For people listening.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: In the future you can go back and listen to other podcasts.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: There are resources, some books I've written for free for veterans and their families, as well as there's a community there.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: We have multiple Facebook groups for both veterans and their families and so on.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: So you know, please get involved in the mission, join us and be involved with us.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: So, with that said, let's jump in, shall we?
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: So transitioning from military service, Brenda, you know, often involves significant shifts in identity and purpose, right?
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: I mean, that is one of the main things.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: During that reintegration or transition period, what is the first step a veteran can take or you took, for that matter to rebuild a thriving family dynamic after service?
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: Well, michael, the first step is actually usually the hardest step and always everything else from there is downhill, and that is have an open, honest communication with all the members of the family, because what is often overlooked by the veteran and then sometimes by family members themselves is that all of us served.
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: Everybody in that family served in their own way, and when we can sit down and have an open, honest conversation about what is coming up for transition and acknowledge the fact that we all served in our own way.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: You know, when mom or dad was out there on deployment, the mom or dad back in the, you know, in the trenches there making sure kids got to school, bills were still being paid, they were serving in their own way and the kids who had to put up with all the things of the family separation, mom or dad's anxiety.
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: That has to be acknowledged and there has to be communication around that.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, you know that's.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: That's one of the.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: I just got chills, you know.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: You know you hit something there, right it's.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: It's when you, when that integration, reintegration period comes in, of course, there's always that honeymoon phase of a couple of weeks, right it's all.
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: I'm home.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: I love you all this wonderful thing, party celebrations, and it should be.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: But then you know, les Brown says life, be life right.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: Life kicks in and all kinds of things.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: And it's so important, as you said, that communication.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: Just slow down and just really have that authentic communication.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: I think it's so important.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: So what would you say?
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: Where do you start?
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: Know you're, you're starting to um, have stress, anxiety, overwhelm, which everybody has generally in their life, right to some extent, right.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: So what are some tools or tricks that maybe, again, you use or you suggest to you know, your coaching clients or on your amazing podcasts or any of those places?
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: Where do you start?
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: You start, how do you slow it down?
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: How do you say, how do you ask for help?
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: Well, that's the part right there that first, when you take that first step of having that open, honest communication about what roles everybody played in the military, and now we're transitioning into civilian life, which is, by all standards, is an alien community to military mindset, people, family and the service member, because we're going from structure to the wild wild west of anything goes.
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: You see, in the military we know what everybody gets paid.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: In civilian community that is taboo.
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: Don't ask what people get paid.
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: None of your business.
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: I learned that the hard way In the military.
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: Our kids are in an environment where we know the neighbor next door is going to have some kind of lookout for them because they all understand mom or dad goes into deployment.
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: Everybody on the block is now looking out.
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: Moving to the community, they don't care who you are, don't even want to know your name.
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: So that camaraderie is lost.
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: There's a lot of things that are lost and if you can sit down and begin to now define the roles different, I encourage people to simply get clear on the new roles.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: And also, I really talk to my ladies.
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: I say ladies because, being a woman, I can tell you a thing that I did my ex-husband was a service member as well, when we were both taking deployments and things, roles shifted.
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: Now I'm running things a certain way and then he comes back and trying to tell me to do something.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: I'm like hold up, partner.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: You're getting a side eye and probably a few choice conversations about look, I need you.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: Y'all know where I'm going.
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: Yes, yes, we do.
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: I'm reminding the women to walk in their full femininity because they set the tone for their houses and allow for the anxiety that's coming in in their husband or, if it's reversed, how they, how the man, would step into that, but but allow them to share and be vulnerable without judgment.
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: I know we're probably going to talk about this more, but it's so important for us to sit down and decide who's going to do what going forward, because everybody's got to be in the leadership role.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: We learned that in military.
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: You ain't asking the Lance Corporal how to do the gunny's job.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: So now who's going to charge?
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: I love that you talk about that because literally and I've had multiple guests on here and this always does come up You've grown into different people, whether it's been two years or 20 years.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: Everybody's changed and grown.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: So it's a lot like empty nest syndrome, right, you're so involved in other things and all of a sudden everything else is gone and it's just husband and wife.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and everybody's changed and again grown in different ways.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: Maybe before the wife or the husband didn't handle the bank account, and now Brenda has a different way of doing it that works for her.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: So don't come in and just say, hey, no, this is the way it's gotta be.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: Have that open communication and really just slow down, because it's not.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's the kids, and we're going to have a Laura Olinger on here shortly who deals with teens and that kind of thing.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: So it's really, it's the kids and we're going to have Laura Olinger on here shortly who deals with teens and that kind of thing.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: So it's really it's everybody in that household, like you said.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: So slow down.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: And can I just say you know the neuroencoding, celebrate, take a minute.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Pat yourself on the back, shake your ass, dance, turn on some music.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: When you just have that little conversation, or even think about having that conversation, do that.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: It releases all these amazing chemicals and hormones in our body.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: That says.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Your brain says, hey, I want more of that.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: Where do I find it?
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: And it starts looking for those opportunities.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: So you're more cognizant of it and it's really important to pay attention and slow down.
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: And can I say right here finances is one of the short ways to derail a transition if you're not clear on your financial expectations.
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: See, a lot of us live in base housing, so you have your little housing on there.
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: But when you get out into the community and maybe the wife or the husband we'll just say the partner, maybe the partner didn't know that when you get into the community, you now play for water, you pay for electric, you pay for garbage, you're going to.
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: You know that when you get into the civilian community, you now play for water, you pay for electric, you pay for garbage.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: We've had cable bills there, but there are certain things and if you purchase a home, there are certain insurances, there are maintenance costs, there are things that you never worried about when we were in the military because it was all taken care of for us.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: We have to have a clear budget and a clear plan for where we're going to, and that's all why it's important and hopefully, as a couple, they've determined their money management style together even before they got to this.
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: And if they haven't, I suggest you take a class on that, because if you have one person has champagne budget and the other one's a hot dog budget has champagne budget and the other one's a hot dog budget.
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: Baby, that's a recipe for disaster if y'all don't get that in place.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: We had that problem because the ex was not a money manager and I was like I could, you know, you take a penny out of my pocket we're going to have on shades.
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: Okay, I was a saver.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: But we quickly discovered that was my strength and I'm happy to say that even as our marriage depart, he was very happy to see that I had made investments for the family that even now he's benefiting from because of the way I handle money.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: So it's important to have those conversations.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: It may not be the husband that handles the money, it may be the wife.
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: But if you got a wife that can't pass up a sale, you might want to grow a set and say, baby, you can't handle the money.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: But if you got a wife that can't pass up a sale, you might want to put you know, put up, grow a set and say, baby, you can't handle the money, you can keep her informed about it, but no, she ain't getting a checkbook or a credit card.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: And I used to counsel my troops on that, because until you all get on the same sheet of music about money.
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: That's a way to create a financial disaster and end your marriage.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: And what do most couples fight about?
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: Money, money, money and sex, money and sex.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: It's like constant All the times.
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: I would get those conversations even now with people.
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: Money and sex are the two things people fight.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: They ain't fighting about the couch in the living room, the color, whatever.
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: They are fighting about sex and money.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know a tool or a tip?
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: Sit down, just say, hey, I have something that's really important to me.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: Can we just talk about something for a couple of minutes and create that game plan.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Write out a budget.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Both agree on the budget.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: Right, have some free spending money.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: Please, don't just have every penny going towards everything else, because sooner or later that budget is going to get blown by somebody.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: So be realistic about the budget and just really that major, major communication is like we said and I know we're talking a lot- about it Because it is communication.
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: Here's a tip.
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: Here's a tip everybody should have Don't have conversations about money and sex in the bedroom.
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: You should create a conversation zone in your house is what I teach the people I work with A place where it's safe, a judgment-free zone.
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: When you say we need to go to the table, the chair, wherever it is, you've designated that place.
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: That's where you and if you're not ready to go, judgment free, whatever you say, I'm not.
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: Give me 30 minutes.
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: We're not talking to me two days.
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: Give me 30 minutes is the max I say to get your mind in order and then go have that open, honest communication.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: Because in my world your bedroom is a sacred place and in that sacred place you don't bring in mess.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: Because that's a place for you to commune, worship each other, love on each other and be placed.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: Because there needs to be a sacred place in everybody's home where they can let go of the babies, the bottles and the bills.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, amen, I love that.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: It is super important.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: So thank you again for talking about that.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about the tapping method a little bit, shall we?
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: All right, I know we love this one.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: We talk about it every time, so how does?
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: Well?
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: First of all, why don't you tell us what the tapping method is, again for people who haven't seen you on YouTube?
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: The tapping method is a method I created to help me move past my step points and then I was able to help other people do the same.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: It's five letters.
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: Tap in stands for uh.
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: Transformation that's where you transform your mindset.
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: Announcement and accountability that's where you announce the results that you're desiring and you get some accountability about making that happen.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: The p is for preparation.
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: That's where you prepare for making sure you can actually get those results, and then the I is in the imagination stage.
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: That's what I want you to about making that happen.
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: The P is for preparation.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: That's where you prepare for making sure you can actually get those results.
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: And then the I is in the imagination stage.
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: That's where I want you to visualize your life.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: I want you to dream big and then dream bigger than that, and then in the end, that's the nurturing phase.
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: That's where you do all this stuff, when, after you've done all the four steps before to make sure you can put yourself in maintenance mode and stay tapped into, whatever it is you want to do.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely love it, and please anybody that's interested, watch previous episodes where we really dive into the tap-in method, because it is a fantastic nurturing just it's fantastic.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: So, speaking of nurturing, how does intimacy and connection right?
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: So how does nurturing intimacy and connection play a role helping families heal and grow?
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: Post-service using the tap-in method especially.
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: You know, I always ask them to again using that method.
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: It starts with changing your mindset about how you see your relationship and how you want to move it forward.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: Said, about how you see your relationship and how you want to move it forward, and some of the things the tips that I give people to use is to do daily check-ins.
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: Make sure you're checking in what's going on.
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: I even encourage my families to create report cards for them based on the things they want to see from each other.
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: I ask are you really filling the love tanks for your kids and you don't get to decide that your kid gets to decide that, based on what you both discuss, is what it takes to fill a love tank?
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: See, I didn't need roses, but what I did like is that my husband took the trash out and he swept a floor baby, it was going to be good that night for him, but he brought me some roses.
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: I'm like that was nice.
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: That ain't it, cause I'm asking service, knowing people's love language.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: That's the time for another show, but those the daily check-ins, quality time.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: We need to put these TVs, ipads and all this stuff on pause and spend some one-on-one time, really paying attention and doing some active listening, which is the next tip I have.
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: What are your kids saying?
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: What is your significant other saying?
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: You know, and sometimes it's not as obvious, it could just be something as simple as Daddy, I like that cologne you wore today.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: What that kid just told you is I like it when you smell like that, not like the road rage, you smell like and ruggedness.
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: You smell like when you come in and you sit there watching TV and you haven't even took a shower, you know.
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: So pay attention, activism, so you really hear what they're not saying.
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: Real quick, brenda, if I can just add into there and you know, men, I'm guilty of it too Stop trying to fix it.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: They don't want to be fixed, no, no, they're asking for aggravation in a fight and frustration.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: The funny thing is with men and women right, you know this as well, brenda that they try to fix it.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: That's absolutely not what they want.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: They just want to be heard.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: That active listening part, that's what brought it in there.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: So just slow down and just listen.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: Have that love, what brought it in there?
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: So just, men, slow down and just listen open.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: You know, have that that love tank open, so so they can be filled both ways.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: But just stop and listen.
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: Take five minutes in the morning before you head off to work and just make each other feel appreciated.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: But see, that's part of the communication too.
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: When we, when we grow up, we often aren't taught that there are ways to approach any conversation.
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: And for you women, I'm going to ask you please, from the bottom of my heart, I beg you, do not attack your husbands when they walk in the door.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: Men have just left the world, being beat up, being pulled every different direction.
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: Remember, when they come home, they should be entering their safe place.
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: Give them a time to decompress.
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: And then I'm telling you if you would give your husband 20 to 30 minutes every day when he walked in the door.
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: Hey, honey, how you doing?
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: I don't care if the house is on fire, let him sit down, put his feet up, let him get it together and then come back.
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: Well, honey, while you were out, the house caught on fire, and if it is, I put the fire out.
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: You may say before you start the conversation I don't need you to fix this, sweetie, I just need you to listen, because sometimes just a little simple thing like that can stop an argument and also make sure both parties feel heard, because men are fixers, remember, they provide and protect, and it is wrong for us to suggest or expect that they won't do that just because we have a burning conversation that we want to have.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, and I love a couple of things you said there.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: You know just, you know my friends David and Yoloa with Warriors and Queens are fantastic about this is they literally teach.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: You know, just set a set of reintegration rule back into the house, give them 30 minutes, go take a shower, you know, go do those things and then come back.
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: And the other thing you said is the problem's solved and I'm looking for you to fix it.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: I'm just looking for you to, you know, be there in a sense that lowers the walls for real conversation all by itself.
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: So I really love that.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: You just said that, brenda.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: That's fantastic.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so are there, uh, with, with, uh, let's go, you know, with with children, um, any any tips there, you know, because, again, they're depending on the age, of course.
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: If it's in their teens, they may not be running to you when you get home because they're still trying to play a video game or whatever the case may be.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: But when they're younger, um, and they're just all excited to come home, mom or dad's home, or whatever the case may be, I want to play, I want to, you know, have this time, because it's so important to them and you know that they crave it to some extent.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: I'm glad you asked that, michael, because something is something I did.
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: We integrated into that coming home.
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: Every time when my husband would come home, I would meet him at the door with my young child.
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: When they were a toddler we used to play the rock star game, that's what it's called.
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: Daddy's coming home, and it was a big deal when we got there oh my God, daddy's home, yay.
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: And when my husband would come home, that would give my child that instant connection and he loved getting because, remember, he's being received like a rock star.
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: We're making a big deal that daddy came home in a lot, remember, we're military, so every day, you don't know, so we make that big day.
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: And once they got their hug, my child was instructed let daddy go to the room and they would say daddy, take care of yourself, I'll be here when you get done.
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: So they had the expectation that once Daddy was OK, they would come back and play with them.
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: So the pressure was off.
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: There was no waiting at the room, knocking on the door, and I had already, because even as a small child, my child was capable of understanding that Daddy needs a downtime.
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: But it wasn't just that, it was we meet daddy at the door.
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: We honor him when he shows up.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: Now I know some people have a problem with that, but I'm telling you it will put peace in your home.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: And the other thing was too we had a rule Nobody gets to disrespect daddy and we don't talk ugly so much.
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: So I drilled that into my kid.
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: I remember one day I was mad and I snapped at my husband and my child said to me I think they were like four or five you can't talk to my daddy that way.
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: That's disrespectful.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: I immediately said you're absolutely right.
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: I apologize to you for speaking to your father that way.
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: And then I apologized to my husband, who had that nasty little smirk that, of course, behind closed doors, we had a conversation about.
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: But the truth is, to this day, my child at 24.
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: And even when we got to people said well, how did you do all that and still end up divorced?
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: Because we're idiots.
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: We didn't have clear conversations.
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: We both were very strong personalities that were clicking against each other and the honest truth is I didn't practice what I preached.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Thank you.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: Thank you for saying that, and I think it's so important to realize that.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: And hey, I want to own it Okay.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: There's times where I try to fix it.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: In fact, when I came on here a minute ago, I don't need you to fix things, I just need you to listen, and I know that was your thing, but it fit, you know, and we all have our work to do, right, and I, I don't do it every time.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: I've improved.
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: No, I'm not perfect.
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: I'm telling you but what I do do.
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: Here's the thing, what I tell.
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: People say, well, you're married.
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: So I say here's the thing Principles don't change because I didn't do them.
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: That's the thing we we often forget that a tried and true principle or foundation thing of a foundation is needed when you build a building.
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: And I don't care what building you build, if you don't put a foundation on it, it's gonna fall.
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: So it didn't change.
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: It's because brenda warned us.
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: You know what?
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: Today I'm gonna build a house with no foundation.
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: Well, guess what, baby?
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: It may not collapse today, it may may not collapse tomorrow, but eventually it's going to crumble.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, absolutely.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: It's a great great, absolutely great point.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: So you know, with veterans, you know they put themselves generally last Right.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: Mission comes first, so let's talk about sacrifice Right and I know, this is a thing we want to talk about.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: There we go.
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: So veterans often sacrifice their needs for the mission, Like you said.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: How can they shift their mindset from sacrifice to prioritizing their personal and their family well-being?
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: Because that's where I think it's always going to start Right.
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: Well, the first thing I ask the veterans I work with do is to do a reframe from sacrifice to investment.
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: See, we're going to invest in our self-care, we're going to invest in setting boundaries and we're going to invest in seeking support so that we can make this transition smoothly for our families and ourselves.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: And the reality is, some veterans will transition into a new role.
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: That is still a life and death situation.
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: Like if you go from combat to being a neurosurgeon, for example, you still got life in your hand, but say, you went from combat to being an accountant, well, you got people's financial lives in your hand.
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: So it's now an investment in making sure that what you are now currently doing does not hold that same level of weight, but that you make a clear distinction on what you're willing to do, why boundaries are so important, like when you be able to.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: As military, we're on call 24-7.
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: And if you don't take a salary position, you'll already.
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: Salary positions are 24-call.
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: So then you may have to operate differently, but if you're in an hourly range and your job shift ends at 5 o'clock, baby, that shift needs to end at 5 o'clock.
• 24:13
  Speaker 3: Don't take it home, because if they're not paying you at 5.01,.
• 24:16
  Speaker 3: You have no obligation to do anything for that organization.
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think I think for men you know, women too, I should say but we do bring Absolutely.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: We're still planning for the next day, we're still thinking about the next day, you know.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: So what is?
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: a couple of tips, and thoughts that you have to shut it down.
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: This is what we used to do here at our house.
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: This is a tip I had.
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: I worked at a hospital.
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: I was a hospital administrator when I got to military and it was life and death.
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: But here's the thing when I got home, every time I got to my front door I said a prayer and I thank God that I was leaving everything of the day behind me and taking nothing in there with me.
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: So sometimes I have breaks, even like now, doing podcasts.
• 25:03
  Speaker 3: People that know me know that if I'm going to do a podcast, I'm going to have a brooch on.
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: If y'all can see this thing, let me say that's my trigger to know that I'm doing something different.
• 25:14
  Speaker 3: That means I'm recording.
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: Be aware, whatever it takes for you it could be a bracelet, it can be a statement, it could be an affirmation, it can be a prayer, it can be deep breathing Whatever it takes for you to shift your state, because we do a disservice to ourselves and to our families when we bring stuff into our homes that are not aligning with the values and the family dynamics that we said we wanted.
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: We spent most of our lives trying to do things for everything and everybody.
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: Here's a real quick example as a minister, when I had my child Alex is now 24, going to church every Wednesday, being Bible study.
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: I was there when the church open church closed before I had a child.
• 25:59
  Speaker 3: But when I had a child I said I'm no longer available.
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: People were like you can't do that.
• 26:03
  Speaker 3: Not only can I do it.
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: My first ministry is my home.
• 26:06
  Speaker 3: See, now I had there were many women that drugged their babies out there all day, night, all weather.
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: I'm like God understands I can do all that.
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: Later Somebody else can pick up the slack.
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: Until my child was at an age that it was comfortable and healthy for me to now bring back that participation.
• 26:24
  Speaker 3: God ain't moved by all this stuff we think that we need to be doing.
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: That's a whole nother show, anyway the point is boundaries.
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: And that's the same thing for veterans Set clear boundaries and know what they are, and don't let nobody move them for you.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: You know neuron coding tip.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: Say that prayer or whatever that is for you, right, have a signal for yourself, tap yourself on the shoulder, celebrate again, release those neuro, you know, transmitting hormones that just change it every time before you walk in.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: And I know I say this a lot.
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: Joseph McLennan III is going to be on in a few weeks and thank you Me too, celebrating our hundredth episode.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: Thank you, me too, celebrating our 100th episode.
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: Use aptitude just before you walk in the door, because nothing else, especially with people outside, you're going to giggle, you're going to change your emotions and your state in a second before you walk through that door to get that amazing love when you walk through and you'll be more accepting to it.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: So I just I just wanted to mention that really quick again and you'll be more accepting to it.
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: So I just I just wanted to mention that really quick again.
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: So, since you're talking about intention, living with intention we're almost out of time, so I got to hit this, oh yeah.
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: So what is it?
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: Emphasize for us, the importance of living with intention and how that relates to everybody.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: But you know, of course we want to circle back to veterans and their families.
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: You know when I think about when you said that, I got a little misty because I didn't live with intention for years in the way I do now.
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: I mean I live with the intention of making sure I met my military commitments.
• 28:03
  Speaker 3: But that is why I'm so adamant now about helping the people I work with, be a veteran or business owner, that they build careers or businesses that profit without sacrificing their family life.
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: If we want to live intentionally, we have to make sure we have family meetings, have date nights which are significant other or date days, create family vacations or opportunity just to simply be in each other's presence and do those acts of service that let them know they're important.
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: We say we're out here, we're on these jobs, we're trying to make the most money.
• 28:44
  Speaker 3: We say it's for our family, but then we don't include them in the process.
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: You know it's important to go to a kid's play.
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: They're not small.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: Long Before you know it they're in college.
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: You may have the kids of your own, but what traditions, what memories are you creating along the way that let them know they're valuable?
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: That let them know they're valuable, god knows.
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: I wish I had a do over, because there are things I did not do that.
• 29:08
  Speaker 3: Now, talking to my 24 year old, are cringeworthy.
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: You know I won't get a mother of the year award for how I raised my child being and I was out of the military because nobody taught me the right way to do it.
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: But at 24, we have some of the most amazing conversations that have helped me, help other people, because now I understand the importance of taking time to intentionally involve your family in your career path, your business path or whatever, so they feel part of the journey and that they're willing to make the sacrifice with you, because if you keep them informed with open communication, they're willing to take the journey.
• 29:45
  Speaker 3: Oftentimes we're dragging them along instead of inviting them along.
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: And let me say this, Brenda, I mean, I know you and even with myself right, we can always look back in the rear of your mirror, and how long can you drive in the rear of your mirror?
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: right, we got to get out of that first of all, because, we're going to crash into a pole.
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: But the most important thing, look back there just so you learn, just like you said, brenda, because if you didn't go through that and you didn't grow as a person, you wouldn't be who you are now and teaching them what you are now.
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: Right, and that's a beautiful thing.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: We can't control our past.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: It's past.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: We can control the future, and here's the really cool thing that I love about what you just said You're changing generationally how your family feels, looks and connects.
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: Absolutely More importantly, I'm changing how other families connect and live, intentionally, because I will tell you I cannot take back all those years my kid lost because my focus was wrong, but now, at 24, we're building a stronger, more loving relationship that's going to transfer into their family lives and also other people are being taught that it's okay to seek professional help, to look to family and again having those open, honest conversations that each family member gets to say what they need.
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: If you have a wife that's constantly telling you I don't like flowers, make me bring me a blow pop.
• 31:14
  Speaker 3: Why are you bringing her flowers?
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: She already told you what she needed.
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: Everybody doesn't love the same.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: If your love language is physical touch and most men that's high up in the top three.
• 31:24
  Speaker 3: I've not met a man yet that physical touch on top three.
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: And ladies, physical touch does not always mean intercourse.
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: Stop running away from your husband because he wants to touch you.
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: Thank God he does.
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: Learn how to stoke those fires before you're burned down the forest.
• 31:37
  Speaker 3: And I'm telling you, when you burn the forest, it's going to be good.
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: I love it.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: I love it Absolutely.
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: So we are way past time now, thank you, but we always do Right, brenda, how do people reach you?
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: How do people get in touch with you?
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: I am Brenda.
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: The solution is on all social media platforms.
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: On my YouTube, you can find me on the Brenda Solution, LinkedIn, Facebook, all the places there are Brenda Warren.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: Fantastic and my website.
• 32:03
  Speaker 3: Brenda, the solution is dot com fantastic.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: And my website, brenda.
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: The solution is dot com.
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and reach out.
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: Brenda is an amazing, amazing soul, spreads an amazing light.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: Um, anytime you're you, you're talking to brenda, you're gonna have a good time.
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: I'm just saying dropping golden nuggets and giggles.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: So, um, if we can, um, give us three tips to get veterans and their families further faster.
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: You got to say that again.
• 32:29
  Speaker 3: I missed it.
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: Can you give three tips to get veterans and their families further faster?
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: Further faster.
• 32:36
  Speaker 3: Number one talk to each other Open eyes, communication.
• 32:39
  Speaker 3: Number two hug each other every single day, so show some form of affection.
• 32:47
  Speaker 3: And number three remember we're not fragile and we're all on one team, so act that way.
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: We're not the enemy, we are the team.
• 32:58
  Speaker 3: We rise together.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: Love it, absolutely love it, brenda.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: Thank you as always.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: Love it, absolutely love it, brenda.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: Thank you as always.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: Amazing time, always love having you on the show and thank you for being here.
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: Time is the most precious resource we have as human beings.
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: We do not get it back, so thank you for spending part of your life with me and, of course, with our audience.
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much, all right, thank you.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: All right, everybody, we're out of here.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of your thoughts, your reality podcast with your host, michael Cole.
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you to dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality.
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: Visit empower performance strategiescom.
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: Remember your thoughts, shape your reality.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: Visit empowerperformancestrategiescom.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: Remember your thoughts, shape your reality, so make them count.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: Catch you on the next episode.