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Transcript

I Love You More! · Do I Need My Racket?

• 0:26
  Welcome to Do I Need My Racket? podcast brought to you by In Her Name Foundation and I'm Cindy
• 0:31
  Swain your host and yes I'm back again to bring you another episode episode number 35 called I
• 0:39
  Love You More. This particular episode is kind of what I'd like to call a special edition because
• 0:47
  it's dropping today on June 30th of 2026. It is the 50th year anniversary of my sister's death
• 0:57
  and I want to celebrate her life and celebrate that moment and not reflect so much on what
• 1:06
  actually happened as being the bad part, but how she would want to be remembered for all the good
• 1:14
  parts. So I first want to talk about love for just a moment. The title I Love You More is unending.
• 1:25
  It's unbound because love is endless. It's not boastful, not rude. It doesn't have expectations.
• 1:31
  it doesn't it doesn't leave it's always there if you look for it and I can guarantee you even in
• 1:39
  the darkest of our times and sometimes times are dark we can all of us all of us find a tiny little
• 1:46
  corner in our heart and let a teeny bit of light in there and say I love you more and it might be
• 1:53
  for anything who what where when or why but we can find it and when you can find that it heals
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  And I've been able to do that over the last 50 years, fortunately.
• 2:10
  I love you more doesn't mean it's a contest that someone can love you more.
• 2:14
  It's open-ended.
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  That's how I look at it.
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  Because love isn't a contest.
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  You don't compete for it.
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  It's just there.
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  You know, interesting story.
• 2:26
  When I was coaching high school tennis a few years back,
• 2:29
  we were at the regional tournament.
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  And one of the teams there participating, on their team shirt, on the back of it,
• 2:34
  it said, love means nothing.
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  And I thought, that is really odd.
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  Kind of an odd saying, love means nothing, really?
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  I mean, is that true?
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  No, it can't be, because love is not nothing.
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  Love is always something.
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  And I know in the game of tennis, love, love means zero, zero,
• 2:55
  starting from the beginning, starting over, but it doesn't mean nothing.
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  It was such a conflicting, strange saying to put on the back of a t-shirt,
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  to the point where even my kids on my team were asking me about,
• 3:10
  hey, coach, did you see what they had on the back of their t-shirts?
• 3:14
  Love means nothing.
• 3:14
  What does that mean?
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  And I told him, I said, I don't really know.
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  And I went over to one of the kids and I asked, I said, I see on the back of your shirt, it
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  says love means nothing.
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  You know, what's, what's up with that?
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  And the girl looked at me and she said, I don't know, just some motto that we thought
• 3:31
  to put on the back of our shirt.
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  I thought of that over the years and thought how strange to say and foreign to say that
• 3:41
  love means nothing.
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  It's impossible, absolutely impossible for love to mean nothing.
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  It always has meaning.
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  And I love you more has meaning.
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  and every time you say it, it has more meaning and more meaning, and it grows. It's immense. It can
• 3:59
  fill the whole universe if we let it, and we do need to let it. Now, this podcast is called Do I
• 4:10
  Need My Racket, right? And our racket, yes, we need it, but it's also metaphoric for what is our
• 4:19
  racket. It can mean you take your racket to the tennis court and hit tennis balls, yes, that's
• 4:24
  logistically true, but it's also what you take off the court with you, metaphorically. It's an
• 4:29
  extension of you and for the most of the last 50 years for me it's been purpose and meaning wanting
• 4:36
  to make some purpose and meaning after the loss of life of my sister and I have really tried to
• 4:44
  stay true to that it hasn't always been easy not everyone in my family can do that as a matter of
• 4:54
  fact I was back the first part of June this year this summer teaching tennis camps for the first
• 5:00
  time through the foundation they were do I need my racket camps and after camp I packed things up
• 5:08
  from Hayes and I went to Salina to spend a few days with my dad. And, you know, the last few years
• 5:14
  he's wanted to share stories and things he remembers and things he's written, poems, cards,
• 5:20
  letters, pictures of the kids, making sure that he transposes that all to me, either in writing
• 5:27
  or through albums or scrapbooks or what have you. And one evening we were sitting eating dinner.
• 5:37
  He had something on his mind because he sat back and he folded his arms and stopped eating.
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  He looked across at me, and he was asking me a few questions about camp, and, you know, my sister lost her life June 30th, but the other reason why I was at Trigo Community High School for one of the camps is, number one, they asked me to do something for their community because they, too, lost someone to the same perpetrator July 18th of that summer, 1976, Paula Faridges, and also the perpetrator came from Walkini as well.
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  That community was rocked.
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  They were hurting too.
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  And I told my dad that.
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  And he sat there and his eyes got kind of glassy.
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  And he said, you know,
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  they ended up moving the venue of that trial
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  here to Saline County where I live now.
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  He lives in Salina.
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  I grew up in Hayes, 110 miles to the west of Salina.
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  And I said, yeah, I thought that.
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  And then he looks at me teary-eyed and he said,
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  you know, I don't know how I made it
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  through the last 50 years.
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  I had, I was actually, my dad's saying this,
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  I was subpoenaed to testify in the trial, and I knew he had to do some testimony, but I didn't
• 6:52
  actually know he had to go there and sit in the witness box and identify my sister's shoe,
• 7:02
  her Mickey Mouse watch that was still ticking. But the most striking thing my dad said that evening,
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  as tears started to drip down his cheeks, I had to sit there, he's telling me, I had to sit there
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  and stare, the man who took my daughter's life.
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  And that man had the smuggest look on his face
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  that if he ever got out, he would do it all over again.
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  And I looked at my dad and he's 94 years old now.
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  It's been 50 years.
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  And my heart just went out to him
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  because I wanted him to be healed.
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  I wanted him to feel some light,
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  that find that little corner in his heart
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  where he could say, I love you more.
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  And I'm not sure if he can do that.
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  nor any of the other people in my family.
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  My mom struggled the same way,
• 8:01
  not being able to get past the trauma,
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  hanging onto it as if it was a trophy.
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  No one suffered as much as our family did.
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  And as I've gained wisdom in my years,
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  that's not true because we all suffer
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  and we're not competing.
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  I'm not certainly competing to suffer the most.
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  It makes no sense whatsoever.
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  And I made it my life's journey,
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  my purpose and meaning to bring light to Carla's life
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  because she would want to go on loving us.
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  She would want us to love more.
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  I love you more, she would say.
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  I know it.
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  So we talked about the racket.
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  We all swing it, hit and miss sometimes.
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  We hit head on, hit winners, hit aces.
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  And there's sometimes we will double fault
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  an entire game away, maybe a whole match away.
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  I don't know.
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  I'm sure I've done that over the years.
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  But you still have to hang on to it.
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  You still have to pick it up.
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  You still got to carry it with you
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  because it's part of you, right?
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  So let's start back to my journey where I started when I was 14 years old on June 30th, 1976.
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  My sister Carla and I had finished lunch.
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  We were sitting on the front porch talking about plans for later in the day.
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  She was going back to work.
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  She was walking back to Purdy's Pharmacy in downtown Hayes, Kansas,
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  and would meet me at my softball game later in the evening at 7.
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  I was going to hang out at home, stay out of the heat, so I was rested.
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  I went to the game.
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  She didn't show up, and I thought, you know, I was scanning the bleachers.
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  she wasn't there. And I thought, that's really odd. Cause she, when she tells me she's going to be
• 9:53
  there, she's always there. And the game came and went and I got home around nine. She still wasn't
• 9:59
  home and no one seemed to know. And I said, you know, where was she? And then, well, she went on
• 10:03
  a bike ride. Oh, well, it got to be 10 o'clock and she still wasn't home. And it was dark now.
• 10:09
  My parents, you know, mildly worrying, little, little anxious, called friends. Maybe she stopped
• 10:14
  off at somebody's house and lost track of time, needs a ride home, what have you. Then it became
• 10:18
  midnight, neighbors and friends, parents of her boyfriend came over by car and started searching
• 10:26
  in places, familiar places that she liked to go. After midnight, one or two in the morning, I went
• 10:33
  with my dad and we walked up and down country roads where we would run the dogs. And I remember
• 10:39
  calling her name out in the night, thinking at any moment she's going to be there and say, oh,
• 10:44
  I'm over here. I'm over here. But nothing. My dad then walked her route that she rode her bike
• 10:53
  early that morning and found it in the ditch and brought it home and set it in the carport. And I
• 11:00
  thought, oh, this is so weird. There's her bike, but where is she? Was worried, was anxious. Just
• 11:07
  let us know where you are. I want to know, but nothing. It took 48 hours to get the police
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  involved. I remember when they came and dusted the bike for Prince. They didn't find anything
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  other than hers or all the rest of the family members because we had to be fingerprinted.
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  That was kind of scary as a 14-year-old.
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  We heard nothing, not a thing, not a clue, no idea what happened to her.
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  And that is the worst pain you can put a family through,
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  is not allowing them to bring closure for a loved one they've lost.
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  And we're not the only family that's gone through that.
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  Many have, and many, unfortunately, years and decades later are still searching.
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  And they may never get answers.
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  And my heart goes out to them that they find some little light in the corner of their heart
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  that they can reach out and say, I love you more, because I can guarantee that's what your family
• 12:05
  member would want. At least Carla would want that. So the summer kind of eked by, and I felt as if I
• 12:14
  was in suspended animation. I was starting my freshman year of high school as a 14-year-old.
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  I tumbled onto the tennis team. You know, Carla and I had played a lot of tennis together. We'd
• 12:27
  played some earlier in the summer, and I thought, I'm going to play because she was on the tennis
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  team too maybe it'll will her home in some way or make me feel closer to her so I went out for
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  tennis and on that first day of practice it was a challenge ladder tournament it was an open draw
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  and I happened to draw the number one singles player on the varsity at that time her name was
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  Donna Keener she's now married as Donna Jarvis and I got whacked it wasn't even close I just got
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  she mopped me up one side the court down the other I ended up number 18 out of 24 kids I wasn't even
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  on the JV at that point. But there was something on the inside of me that wouldn't let me quit
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  some of this competitive urge I had to know that's like, I'm better than that. I know I can be on the
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  varsity. I know I'm better than that. That grit. Yeah, that grit. That ability to find that grit
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  and swing that racket. That was Carla. That was you, Carla. And I love you more for that because
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  you know what happened? I made it all the way to number four on the varsity. I qualified for
• 13:41
  regionals that year. But then on September 22nd, something else happened. We got word what happened
• 13:51
  to Carla. The district attorney drove his car to the curb and parked his silver Mercedes. He got out.
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  He walked across the lawn head down. I was standing next to a neighbor. We were just chatting.
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  The neighbor asked, hey, do you know something? You know something, right? He didn't respond. He
• 14:09
  his head down, went right into the front door and sat down on the couch next to my mom. We followed
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  him in. I didn't really hear what he said to my mom, but all I knew is that she was in a sobbing
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  heap and melting into the fabric of the couch. He had indicated that they had found Carla and that
• 14:31
  they would need her dental records to make a positive ID and that it's the same person that
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  has taken five lives over a two-year period. I was sitting on the floor on the carpet with my arms
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  clutched around my knees rocking forwards and backwards and forwards and backwards at the time
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  thinking to myself this isn't what I wanted this is not what I wanted to hear at all that I'd never
• 14:59
  see her again but it was what was happening and in some weird sort of way I felt slightly relieved
• 15:09
  that maybe there might be some closure maybe we can move on in some sort of way because that's
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  what Carla would want. She would want that. Well the other thing that happened that day is the
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  metaphorical question that I ask myself and I ask every single person that's on a podcast is
• 15:32
  do you need your racket and what is it? Because I asked myself that day do I need my racket? I had
• 15:40
  practice. I didn't want to go but I also didn't want to disappoint my coach let her down and I
• 15:47
  didn't know what I was going to say to her. How was I going to explain all this? How was a 14
• 15:51
  ain't supposed to explain all that to her coach. And I had an amazing high school tennis coach,
• 15:56
  Donna Cooper. Amazing. So I picked up my racket, rode my bike to practice, leaned the bike against
• 16:05
  the fence along with my racket, and I turned and there she was. Donna scooped me up in her arms and
• 16:10
  literally, figuratively, put me back on my feet because I thought I was going to crumble. My legs
• 16:17
  were shaking. And she told me, you will get through this. With time and faith, you will get through
• 16:27
  this. I know you will. And those words could not ring more true today, 50 years later, than they did
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  September 22nd of 1976. Now there was quite a bit of time between the day that we found her and the
• 16:45
  funeral because there had to be forensic stuff that was finished up and all kinds of stuff like
• 16:51
  that. They found her on September 22nd and the funeral was not until October 1st at the funeral
• 16:59
  home there in Hayes. I had no idea what I was walking into that day. No one had talked to me.
• 17:07
  No one had asked me any questions about how I was doing or anything. I walked in and there I saw it.
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  The casket, a shiny silver gray casket, closed. Then we were ushered over into where the family
• 17:21
  was supposed to sit. And people by droves, tens, twenties, I don't know, over a hundred people.
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  the place was packed I couldn't even tell you probably more than 100 maybe 200 from the community
• 17:38
  friends teachers you name it priests nuns all came by and offered condolences and it was so painful
• 17:49
  I just you know my mom was crying everyone was crying and I was crying and I thought I don't
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  have any tears left this is exhausting and I kept thinking how much longer is this going to last I
• 17:58
  can't take it how much longer I'm gonna be hurting this bad I don't want to hurt this bad anymore
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  I miss her so much, but I just can't hurt anymore.
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  And then there were three Catholic nuns that walked down the aisle.
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  They kneeled in front of her casket and started praying the rosary.
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  And we'll never forget that.
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  We weren't churchy people.
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  We weren't even Catholic.
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  But we were a family that was in crisis and in need.
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  And there they were.
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  And shortly after that, I shut off.
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  I felt nothing.
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  I had no more tears to give.
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  My well was dry.
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  I didn't want to hurt anymore.
• 18:48
  We made the hour and a half drive then to Franklin, Nebraska,
• 18:53
  where she is still at rest in the cemetery there.
• 18:58
  And I decided that I would pack all of those feelings away,
• 19:05
  tuck them away,
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  because no one really ever asked me how I felt about it.
• 19:10
  No one really ever wanted to know about me.
• 19:13
  It was more centered around my mom and my dad
• 19:15
  and the trauma and how awful it was.
• 19:19
  And if he gets out and if he, you know,
• 19:22
  what's going to happen?
• 19:24
  And, you know, it just ran shivers down my spine to think about it.
• 19:28
  So I clammed up.
• 19:29
  My tennis coach, Donna Cooper, described me as being mute in high school.
• 19:35
  And those of you that know me now, you definitely know that I am not mute.
• 19:39
  I am talking a lot, probably too much.
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  But as a 14-year-old, that was all I knew.
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  That was the only way I could get the hurt to stop.
• 19:50
  So I continued on under Donna Cooper's mentoring to where I won the first Girls State Singles
• 20:07
  Championship for Hayes High School in October of 1979.
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  I went on to be the first female athlete of Hayes High School to earn a Division I scholarship
• 20:18
  for tennis, and it was a Division I scholarship that I earned that was from any sport from
• 20:24
  Hayes High School.
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  I was the first.
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  It was an amazing accomplishment, and I have more appreciation for it now as I have more
• 20:31
  insight than I did when I was a teenager.
• 20:34
  But I know through all of that, I kept swinging that racket with purpose and meaning, with
• 20:41
  my sister on my shoulder, swinging, hitting, and missing, and maybe not understanding everything
• 20:47
  in life, but I still had that thread that I would let my heart open.
• 20:54
  And Carla, you were there, and I love you more.
• 20:58
  I then decided to transfer to the University of Kansas as my tennis days kind of wound down.
• 21:08
  I'd applied to get into physical therapy school. I got accepted. I graduated with a degree in 1986
• 21:14
  and started my professional life. I was hitting a lot of aces. I was swinging and hitting winners,
• 21:22
  hitting a lot of forehands and backhands right down the line as winners. And I met the love of
• 21:32
  my life, Greg Swain. And we married in 1989, June 9th, 1989. And Carla, I know you were there. I know
• 21:42
  you were at the wedding because dad said once he knew it was the right thing because when he looked
• 21:51
  up at the chapel before he walked into church atop the cross was a cardinal. And that was your
• 21:57
  favorite bird, the cardinal. So I know you were there and I love you more. So then we started a
• 22:11
  family. We were blessed, Greg and I blessed, with three healthy, amazing kids. My son Garrett was
• 22:19
  born in 1991, my son Jack born in 1994, and my daughter Jenna in 1997. Three healthy, amazing
• 22:29
  kids. They're gifts of God. And with each birth, I always wondered, Carla, I know you would love
• 22:38
  each of your nephews and your niece probably just as much as I do. And I wondered what it had been
• 22:46
  like if I would have been able to love yours my nieces and nephew and I knew at the moment of each
• 22:57
  birth that you were there and I love you more so then my kids started getting older celebrating
• 23:10
  birthdays and first communions and special events basketball volleyball track plays band music piano
• 23:23
  lessons art classes all of the things that you hope that you can provide for your kids some
• 23:29
  some they loved, some they didn't. It wasn't always easy, and I always wondered, are you watching over
• 23:38
  me? Because I could really use some advice right now, and I know you were there, and I love you
• 23:46
  more. Then they moved into middle school and high school years and began graduating from high school
• 23:54
  and going on to college, deciding on majors, and went through the empty nest, and I wondered what
• 24:01
  you what you would have thought and asked you know your opinion and with any teenagers you know you
• 24:08
  swing that racket and sometimes you swing it so hard you do a face plant and I know I did that
• 24:13
  with my kids several face plants but what I did do is I got back up picked up my racket and tried
• 24:20
  again and it might not have always been purpose and meaning maybe I needed strength at the time
• 24:26
  grit determination tenacity maybe I needed to be creative maybe I needed to just chill like they'd
• 24:34
  tell me, mom, just chill. But through all that, Carla, I know you were there. We're through all
• 24:43
  that. And we know when, when we moved to Michigan, I knew no one. It's a place I had never been
• 24:51
  before. Not stepped foot in it, not once. I knew nothing about the climate, the culture, the people,
• 24:56
  about schools, about babysitters. Was I going to work? Was I going to stay home for a while?
• 25:02
  I knew nothing. And so many times I wished you were there to give me support, but you were.
• 25:09
  I know you were because I struggled when we moved here.
• 25:15
  I struggled.
• 25:16
  I could no longer pack away all that I tried to promise myself
• 25:21
  I'd never talk about, about you and what happened,
• 25:25
  how hard it was, my feelings.
• 25:29
  And I struggled with depression and anxiety
• 25:32
  to the point where I questioned, is it worth it?
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  But you know what?
• 25:38
  There was still that little part in the corner of my heart
• 25:43
  that I found a little piece of light, a thread,
• 25:47
  something to hang on to.
• 25:48
  when I was at my lowest of lowest times.
• 25:53
  And now looking back,
• 25:54
  when I was trying to swing that racket
• 25:56
  at that tiny, teeny little light,
• 25:58
  not thinking that I would even hit anywhere close,
• 26:00
  I did because you were there.
• 26:04
  And for that, I love you more.
• 26:10
  Then as my kids graduated college,
• 26:14
  they go off and they start working
• 26:16
  and they meet life partners.
• 26:19
  And I'm so blessed right now.
• 26:21
  So blessed right now.
• 26:23
  Not only for my husband of 37 years,
• 26:28
  but my three healthy kids, Jack and his wife, Haley, and their newborn son.
• 26:35
  Well, he's not newborn.
• 26:36
  He just turned a year old, who I think is the greatest grandson on earth, obviously.
• 26:43
  And many times I wish Carla was here to see that.
• 26:48
  But I know she is.
• 26:50
  It's just pure joy to watch my son be a dad.
• 26:54
  Pure joy to watch Haley be a mom to this amazing little guy.
• 27:02
  And I'm so grateful for all of that.
• 27:07
  And now Garrett has his life partner and an amazing young woman, Jamie.
• 27:12
  And I am so excited to see what the next chapters are for their life.
• 27:19
  And right now, my daughter Jenna is one of the most amazing persons on earth.
• 27:26
  She's tough.
• 27:28
  She's gritty.
• 27:28
  She works hard.
• 27:29
  And she makes me laugh almost on a daily basis.
• 27:34
  And Carla, I know you are there for all of that.
• 27:39
  I have no doubt, and for that, I love you more.
• 27:47
  So then we've moved on to when I started the foundation in 2020,
• 27:54
  we became a certified 501c3 in her name foundation,
• 27:59
  and our mission and purpose is to empower, create,
• 28:03
  and inspire the next generation of young female athletes
• 28:06
  and making kids feel like they are something,
• 28:10
  they are important, and they are loved.
• 28:13
  Because I know, Carla, you would want that.
• 28:17
  You would want that for my kids and all these other kids that I come in contact with.
• 28:21
  And for your own if you've had them.
• 28:24
  And for that, I love you more.
• 28:29
  In 2021, I started this podcast, Do I Need My Racket?
• 28:33
  And we talk about what are our rackets and how do you swing at life, swing or miss?
• 28:37
  And a lot of times you're going to miss.
• 28:38
  In fact, sometimes you're going to miss more than you hit that on.
• 28:43
  Because that's life.
• 28:45
  but what you taught me and why you've been on my shoulder to keep tapping me and saying,
• 28:50
  keep swinging that racket because life is worth it. And for that, I love you more.
• 29:00
  And the most amazing thing, the most amazing thing, this June, I started tennis camps. Do I
• 29:21
  need my racket camps? So these camps were set up in honor of my sister and also another woman lost
• 29:35
  her life from a community just west of Hazen, Larkini, Paula for Bridges. And this first year,
• 29:44
  we had 35 kids, which I think is an amazing turnout for a first year. Absolutely amazing.
• 29:50
  I held two two-day camps. One at Trigo Community School with Trigo, Phillipsburg, Norton, and
• 29:58
  Victoria. And I held a second two-day camp at Hayes High School. And they were doing underneath
• 30:04
  my racket camps. So the first day, I had the kids write their name on their name tag and then
• 30:12
  the school they were from. So I could kind of get an idea who was who. And all day long that first
• 30:20
  day, I said, you must have your racket in hand, whether you're on the court, off the court running,
• 30:25
  whether you're at lunch, water break, whatever, you need to have that racket with you all day.
• 30:29
  And I impressed upon them that how important is a racket? Of course, they said logistically,
• 30:34
  obviously, you have to have it when you play tennis, right? Because a little digression here,
• 30:40
  when I was coaching tennis, one of the days, it rains a lot in Michigan, but one of the days was
• 30:45
  kind of dried up and, and I have my tennis bag on with racket handles sticking out of the top.
• 30:51
  And I had a freshman come up to me and ask me, coach, do I need my racket?
• 30:58
  And I said, yeah, you do.
• 31:00
  Thinking to myself, are you nuts?
• 31:01
  Of course you do.
• 31:02
  And that same year as tennis season ended and I was holding camps at the high school's coaching,
• 31:08
  two more freshmen showed up at camp the first day looking at me and said, did we need to bring rackets?
• 31:15
  And I said, yeah, you do.
• 31:18
  You have some.
• 31:19
  And they go, yeah, we left them at home.
• 31:20
  And I said, well, you know what?
• 31:21
  I can find some for today, but bring yours tomorrow.
• 31:24
  and that's how this whole idea of do I need my racket name of the podcast came about it's a
• 31:34
  question that kept coming up yes in life you need your racket and you need just a swing swing hard
• 31:41
  at things whether you hit or miss because that's you that's part of you and it's it's an extension
• 31:46
  it's an extension of you on and off the court so these amazing camps on the second day I had them
• 31:57
  write their name below their name one word that describes them one word and they were all over
• 32:04
  the place. Poetic, strong, gritty, hard worker, eccentric, thinker, artist, radical, all over the
• 32:16
  place. They were wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Every single one of them was amazing. And then I
• 32:23
  tried to divide the rackets or what they called themselves as either strong or strong or, you know,
• 32:30
  poetic or eccentric. I divided them into small groups of twos and threes of similar rackets.
• 32:37
  We're standing in a big circle in the gym at Trigo Community High School because it was raining outside.
• 32:43
  Normally it doesn't rain in Kansas that time of year or at all, but it happened to be raining then.
• 32:48
  And we're standing in this large circle, and I said to them, I go,
• 32:53
  okay, you strong people can go off in that direction.
• 32:56
  You gritty people can go over there.
• 32:58
  You thinkers and problem solvers go that way.
• 33:01
  And all the creative people behind me, you can head off, you know,
• 33:04
  kind of getting them to the idea that they could go all over the place.
• 33:08
  Or I waved them in and I said, come in here close, as close as we can all get.
• 33:14
  And let's stand in this circle and we can bring all of those rackets together, all of
• 33:19
  them, every single one of them.
• 33:21
  And wouldn't it be amazing as one, as a team, you had access to all these different rackets,
• 33:30
  strength, grit, creative, problem solving, poetic, artist, eccentric, radical.
• 33:36
  You wouldn't be just a great team.
• 33:39
  You'd be an awesome team, an unbeatable team.
• 33:43
  And I can tell you from that moment, I used all of those rackets.
• 33:55
  I have used every single one of them and more and more than once multiple times over the
• 33:59
  last 50 years, without doubt.
• 34:02
  And I've kept swinging.
• 34:04
  And you know what, Carla?
• 34:06
  You were there in that moment with those kids.
• 34:09
  And for that, I love you more.
• 34:12
  But there's still one more thing I want to share.
• 34:16
  On the end of the second day at Trigo Community High School, I'm wrapping things up and I'm
• 34:26
  pulling things together, giving them ideas of what they can do off the court,
• 34:30
  strength and agility, things I can practice on through the summer,
• 34:34
  and kind of bringing things together for him.
• 34:37
  And there was a boy there, I believe he was going to be a sophomore in high school,
• 34:41
  and I don't remember the school he was from,
• 34:43
  but he looked up at me and said, are we going to ever see you again?
• 34:50
  And he absolutely captured my heart.
• 34:57
  I looked up and I said to him, of course you will see me again.
• 35:03
  I will be back here next year.
• 35:06
  And if you're a graduating senior, you can come back and help us out with the middle school camp that we're going to be adding next year because we're going to be needing all hands on deck.
• 35:16
  Because you know how middle schoolers are.
• 35:17
  They're all over the place.
• 35:18
  We'll need as many people as we can possibly get.
• 35:20
  But in that moment, that 1,400-mile drive that I made over two days coming and going,
• 35:33
  bringing all the stuff, the tennis rackets, the t-shirts, the prizes, the gunny sacks,
• 35:40
  the tug-of-war ropes, every single penny was worth it.
• 35:46
  Every single ounce of energy I put into it was completely worth it
• 35:52
  for just that one small moment in time.
• 35:58
  And right then and there, I knew I had just hit an ace.
• 36:06
  And I knew, Carla, you were there.
• 36:12
  And I love you more.
• 36:20
  Yes.
• 36:21
  And so on that day, 50 years ago, June 30th of 1976,
• 36:28
  I lost my best friend in life, my older sister, Carla.
• 36:36
  There have been times over the last 50 years where I thought I could take another step,
• 36:41
  nor was it even worth it.
• 36:43
  But I reached out for help, and I encourage any one of you out there that suffers from
• 36:49
  mental illness or you know someone that is struggling, please call the National Crisis
• 36:53
  Hotline 988.
• 36:56
  There is someone there 24-7 that you can talk to, and they will guide you to get the help
• 37:02
  that you need.
• 37:03
  All you need to do is pick up your racket and find that tiny little spot, that tiny
• 37:12
  little glimmer, that pinhead size of light in your heart, swing at it and find that strength within
• 37:21
  to say, I love you more. And then you can start your journey to healing. I can honestly say from
• 37:35
  14 years old to now I am 64 on June 30th, 2026. Carla, I love you more. I'd like to thank Tudor
• 37:52
  Big and big sound and lighting for editing and producing this podcast and for providing the
• 37:57
  original theme music. Now for a bit more about Cindy Swain, president and CEO of In Her Name
• 38:03
  Foundation and the host of this podcast. Cindy is a licensed physical therapist, certified yoga
• 38:08
  instructor, former tennis coach, and division one collegiate athlete. She is a happily married
• 38:13
  mother of three and spends her free time gardening, beekeeping, and cycling. Cindy loves the Kansas
• 38:19
  Jayhawks and is an exercise and sports fanatic. For more information about In Her Name Foundation,
• 38:27
  visit our website at inhernamefoundation.org. Join us on social media, Facebook, Instagram,
• 38:34
  and subscribe to our newsletter. Make a donation. I look forward to meeting all of you again
• 38:40
  and sharing our next episode of Inspiration. Until then, see you next time and be prepared
• 38:47
  to bring your racket.