Latest / Girl, Date the Good Guy ™ | Healing After Heartbreak & A Toxic Relationship / 8 Types of Men You Don’t Want to Date | The Episode You Send to Your Best Friend

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8 Types of Men You Don’t Want to Date | The Episode You Send to Your Best Friend · Girl, Date the Good Guy ™ | Healing After Heartbreak & A Toxic Relationship

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Girl, sis, listen to me for a minute.
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If you've ever found yourself praying for a man to change, making excuses for
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his behavior, falling in love with his potential, or trying to figure out whether
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he's actually interested in you or just likes having you around,
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baby, this episode is for you.
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And listen, I'm not here to tell you that a man has to be perfect.
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He doesn't. Neither do you.
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But there is a difference between a man who is growing and a man who keeps giving
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you reasons to question whether you should be there in the first place.
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Today, we're calling out eight types of men you need to recognize before you give them your heart.
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And some of these, whew, you might recognize somebody you've dated.
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You might recognize somebody your best friend is dating. You might even have
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a little moment where you say, oh, that's what that was.
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So grab your coffee get comfortable and get ready because sis we're going face
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first into some truth today,
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Hey sis, it's emily Welcome to girl date the good guy your holy space to heal
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rise and love again this time with god.
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Hey sis, it's Emily. Welcome back to another episode of Girl Date the Good Guy.
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This is your holy rescue.
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I am so excited to be back on the show today. Welcome back all my listeners.
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And if you're new here, welcome. I'm so glad that you are here.
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Whether you've been listening for a while or you just stumbled across this little
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corner of the internet, I hope you feel right at home.
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And before we get into today's episode, I have to give some love to my girls
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listening from all over.
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I want to give a shout out to my California girls. Hey, ladies,
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my Texas girls, you know, I've got some love for you because that's my hometown.
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I'm born and raised Texas girl.
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And my Virginia girls, I see you. I see you.
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And my New Jersey girls, what is up, ladies?
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Come on and my england girls oh my goodness i love this little podcast is making
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its way across the world and i am sending so much love to you right now.
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Every single one of you who keeps coming back who keeps listening who keeps
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sharing these episode and keeps allowing me to be a little voice in your ear
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while you're driving cleaning getting ready or going about your day
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I cannot thank you enough.
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Truly, I am so grateful that all of you are here and listening and coming back
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every week and listening to these episodes.
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It absolutely means the world to me. And to all my new listeners, welcome.
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I'm Emily Jordan, Christian mentor and relationship coach.
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And around here, we're talking about heartbreak, toxic relationships,
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healing, faith, and learning how to stop repeating the same old patterns in love.
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We're not here to pretend we've got it all figured out.
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We're here to let God do the work in us while we learn to walk this thing out. You know what I mean?
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All right, girls, we are going to talk about some stuff today.
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And I want to tell you how this episode actually came about,
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because this wasn't just me sitting around thinking, oh, let me come up with
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eight types of men to talk about on my podcast. No, no, no.
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I was sitting with God the other day, and I just started thinking about all
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these different types of men out there, including some of the men I've dated myself.
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And I found myself thinking, God, we need to put something together for these
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ladies. We need to give them some wisdom.
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We need to help them develop discernment so they can look at a situation for
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what it truly is, what it really is. the right now who guy, right?
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Because sis, seeing the reality of a relationship is what helps you discern
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whether you should be in it.
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Not the fantasy, not what you hope he'll become, not what he promised you three
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months ago, not what you think might happen if you just love him a little harder. The reality.
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And I take this seriously because I've lived it myself. I've been in a toxic
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relationship that kept me stuck for nearly 20 years.
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I know what it is to walk through a relationship that brings headache,
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heartache, confusion, and circumstances you never imagined you'd have to navigate.
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And it's one of the reasons I started this podcast, because I want to help women
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recognize things sooner.
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I want to share what I've experienced so that maybe you won't have to walk through
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some of the same headaches I've had to experience myself.
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Now, I can't promise that listening to this episode will keep you from ever
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getting hurt, because let's be real, we're humans here.
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Relationships are complicated, and we don't always see everything clearly at first.
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But I can share what I've experienced. I can point you back to scripture and
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I can encourage you to seek God before you hand somebody your heart.
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Because girl, we can be awfully quick to give somebody a chance just because he's interested in us.
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Ooh, he likes me. He texts. He asked me out.
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Let's see where this goes. And listen, there's nothing wrong with getting to know somebody.
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The greater question is, Did you talk to Jesus about it? Did you ask God for wisdom?
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Did you stop long enough to consider whether this person shares your values,
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respects your boundaries, and is even looking for the same kind of relationship you want?
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Or did the attention feel so good that you skipped right over those questions?
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Because the truth is, this is a slow burn. We got to slow down because not everybody
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who is interested in you is somebody you should be building a future with.
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And not everybody who looks good on paper is going to be a good fit for the
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life you're praying for.
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The other day I was looking around on social media and I came across a situation
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involving people who are well known in their respective circles.
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I'm not going to name any names. that's not what I'm here to do.
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I don't believe in gossiping about people or turning somebody else's personal
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life into entertainment.
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But the situation got me thinking.
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When you see somebody who identifies as a Christian person dating someone whose
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publicly, visibly choices or lifestyle,
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appear to be very different from the faith they profess, it raises an important question.
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Have we thought seriously about what it means to be equally yoked?
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And I'm not claiming to know those people's private lives, their hearts,
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or what God may be doing in them.
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I don't know their full story. The point isn't to judge a couple from the outside.
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The point is to examine our own choices.
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Because sometimes we see a man who has a great career, looks good,
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has money, is charming, or has all these other qualities we admire and start
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thinking, well, he's got so much going for him.
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But what about the foundation? Does he share your faith? Does he respect what matters to you?
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Are you both working toward the same kind of life?
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If following Jesus is central to the marriage you're praying for,
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you cannot treat that as an extra on the side. Do you know what I mean?
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Because in 2 Corinthians 6.14 speaks about being unequally yoked with unbelievers.
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That verse deserves to be taken seriously, especially when we're considering whom to marry.
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You can't appreciate somebody's good qualities without deciding that person
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is the right partner for you.
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And here's something else I want you to understand.
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I don't believe God wants his daughters making major relationship decisions
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without seeking his wisdom.
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I believe he cares about our hearts. I believe he cares about the people we join our lives to.
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And I believe he wants us to use the wisdom he gives us.
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He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows the desires of our hearts,
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and he knows what we cannot see yet.
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That doesn't mean every relationship will look exactly like the picture we've imagined.
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And it doesn't mean we can identify a future spouse by checking off a perfect list of qualities.
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It just means we need to seek him and be willing to listen.
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I also believe we're living in a season when God is moving and drawing people towards him.
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I believe we're a part of a revival happening across the earth,
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and I want to be ready for what God is doing.
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And a part of that, for me, is getting serious about our healing, okay?
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Because we cannot spend all our time praying for God to bring the right person
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into our lives while refusing to look at the patterns, fears,
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and wounds that keep affecting our choices. We have a part to play.
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We can seek God. We can renew our minds through his word. We can learn from our experiences.
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We can take responsibility for our choices and allow him to work on the places
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in us that need attention.
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We're not going to do that work to earn a husband. We're not healing as a way
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to manipulate God into giving us a particular relationship.
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We're doing the work because God cares about our hearts and because we want
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to be able to walk in wisdom when it comes to love.
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And that's what today's episode is all about. I'm not here to bash men. That's not my MO.
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I'm here because I believe women need discernment and wisdom.
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I believe we need to stop assuming that everybody who shows us attention deserves access to our hearts.
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And I believe we can have high standards without expecting perfection.
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So today we're going to talk about eight types of men you need to recognize.
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I hope you ladies are ready because some of these patterns may be familiar to you.
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Some may be things you've never had a name for before.
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We're going to call out the behavior, not diagnose the person.
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We're going to tell the truth, but we're going to do it with the understanding
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that every person is responsible for their own choices. is.
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And we're going to remember that a man doesn't have to be perfect to be a good man.
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But you do need to pay attention to the man he is today, not just the man you hope he'll become.
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All right, girls, let's get into it.
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Number one, the toxic potential guy.
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You know, I talked a lot about this in the last episode, and this is a real thing.
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And this is the guy that I am going to be shouting about forever because I cannot express to you enough.
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This man, he gots to go, girl. Like he don't even get a moment of time in your life.
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The minute you suspect any of this behavior, you need to be able to be strong
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enough to stand up for yourself, be an advocate for yourself and say, no, thank you.
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You do not have to be ugly. You can be just absolutely matter of fact.
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This doesn't work for me. It's that simple.
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This is absolutely the man you keep giving chances to because you're in love with his potential.
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And I can say that because I've done it.
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Now, he crosses your boundaries. He speaks to you disrespectfully.
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He makes promises and doesn't follow through. Maybe he disappears and comes back.
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Maybe he apologizes, tells you exactly what you want to hear,
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and then does the same thing all over again.
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And what do you say? I'm just waiting for him to get himself together.
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God isn't finished with him. I know there's a good man in there somewhere.
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Well, of course God isn't finished with him. God isn't finished with any of us.
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But that doesn't mean you are personally responsible for sticking around until he gets there.
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Sis, you can pray for a man without dating him.
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You can care about a man without committing your future to him.
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And you can believe God can change somebody without making yourself the project
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manager of his transformation.
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You cannot pray a man into respecting your boundaries while he continues to choose to cross them.
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You can pray, you can encourage, you can speak the truth in love,
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but he has to take responsibility for his own choices, period.
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And please don't confuse an apology with lasting change.
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An apology matters, but what happens afterward matters too.
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If he keeps hurting you, keeps dismissing your concerns, and keeps expecting
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you to accept the same behavior because he said he was sorry,
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you need to pay attention.
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Because in Matthew 7.16 says, We recognize a tree by its fruit.
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You don't have to decide whether he's a terrible person. You need to decide
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whether this relationship, as it actually exists, is good for you.
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We have to stop dating a fantasy. We have to stop building a future around promises
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that he hasn't followed through on.
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And stop believing that loving him harder will do the work he's unwilling to do himself.
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You can wish him well and still walk away.
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And I want to say this real quick. You can absolutely walk away from a good
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guy, a healthy guy as well.
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He doesn't have to be toxic. He can also be a really great guy.
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And I say that because I did. I walked away from my relationship earlier this year.
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And I did that because I knew both of us were not ready to receive the promise.
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I felt it from the last time I saw him and we had that kiss in the rain.
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I knew it. When I hugged him, I knew we were not ready. Now,
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I wanted in my heart to be like, oh my gosh, God is bringing us into marriage.
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But unfortunately, when I sat with God, I realized we were not ready.
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I had fundamental things I needed to work on in my life and heal in myself.
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And he had things he needed to work on for himself as well.
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And so I say that because I'm like, you can even walk away from a good guy,
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even a healthy relationship.
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If you feel like he's not holding himself accountable for the things he needs
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to take care of, because again, you are not his savior.
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You cannot fix him. Only God can fix him.
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And in fact, it taught me how to open my hands.
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It taught me how to release. It taught me how not to control anymore.
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It taught me how to trust God more. I mean, laying the love of my life down
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really set me free in so many ways that I can't even explain.
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It was good for me, although it hurt.
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It was good for me.
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And yes, now we were back in contact, but God had to work on the both of us. He had to get us right.
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So I say that with telling you that even a good guy, even a healthy relationship,
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sometimes you need to lay down. If God's calling you to lay it down, come away with me.
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Let me work on your heart. Let me change you. Let me heal your heart.
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Let me get your mind right, right? Because God wants to renew our minds.
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Anyways, we go through a lot of this in the book.
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Okay, let's get back to where we are. I was kind of getting off track there.
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Let's get into number two, the emotionally unavailable guy. Oh, man.
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This one's, oof.
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I know you can agree. I know you're sitting there shaking your head like,
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oh boy, those emotionally unavailable men.
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Oh, this one is a little different from the potential guy, the toxic potential
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guy, because the potential guy may be showing you a pattern of disrespect or
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harmful behavior while you keep hoping he'll change.
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The emotionally unavailable guy may not be treating you terribly at all.
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He might even be generally a decent person, but he's just not available for
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the kind of relationship you're looking for. I've had one of these.
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And maybe he tells you he's not ready. Maybe he says he needs to work on himself.
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Maybe he keeps you at arm's length, gives you just enough attention to keep
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you interested, and never actually moves the relationship forward.
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Or maybe he's been honest from the beginning, but you're hoping you'll be the
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woman who changes his mind.
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Girl, listen to what he's telling you.
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If he says he isn't ready for a relationship, don't hear that as an invitation
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to audition for the position of future wife.
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And if he says he doesn't know what he wants, you don't have to sit in the waiting
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room until he figures it out.
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And if he genuinely needs time to heal, he can take that time.
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You don't have to make him the
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villain to acknowledge that the two of you may not be in the same place.
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Sometimes a man isn't a bad guy. He's simply not available to build what you want to build.
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And that's enough information to make a decision.
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You don't have to turn every unavailable man into a mystery you need to solve.
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You do not have to prove that you're lovable enough to make somebody ready.
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And you do not have to spend years in a situationship hoping that one day he'll finally choose you.
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Sis, you deserve clarity. You deserve honesty, and you're allowed to want a
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relationship that is actually moving toward commitment.
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Do not spend your best years trying to convince somebody to want the same thing you want.
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And I know that might hurt or sting a little bit, but the truth sets us free.
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I wish somebody would have told me that because I've had a situation ship like
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that and it did not end well.
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It was awful. So if you're in a situation like that right now,
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please set yourself free.
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See it for what it is. OK, and I promise you, God has something available for you.
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Just be patient a little longer. All right. and let God work on you. Okay.
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So let's get into number three, the half made man.
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All right, girls, this one is for the women who are looking at a man who seems
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to have everything going for him.
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He's successful. He's got a career. He's financially responsible.
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He dresses well. Come on.
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I love a good, well-dressed man.
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He's charming. He's confident. He knows how to hold a conversation.
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On paper he looks like a 10 out of 10 and he might be a great guy in many ways,
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but here's the question are you looking for a successful man,
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or are you looking for a man whose life is built around following Jesus because
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those are not automatically the same thing,
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when I call him the half-made man, I'm not saying that a man who isn't a Christian is worthless, okay?
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Or that he has nothing good to offer. That's not what I mean.
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I'm talking about the woman who knows that sharing her faith is essential to
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the marriage she wants, but keeps overlooking that difference because everything else looks good.
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She tells herself, maybe he'll come to church with me eventually.
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Maybe he'll believe one day. Maybe if we get married, he'll start seeking God.
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Sis, you cannot build your marriage on somebody's someday future faith plans.
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2 Corinthians says in 6.14 speaks about being unequally yoked with unbelievers.
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If a shared commitment to Jesus is central to your life and the marriage you
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desire, you need to take that seriously before you make a covenant.
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Because this isn't just about whether he lets you go to church on Sunday.
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It's about the foundation you're building your life on.
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How will you make decisions together? What will guide your values?
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How will you approach raising children, handling hardship, and making sacrifices
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when life gets difficult?
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You don't need a man who knows every Bible verse. You don't need a man who has never struggled.
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But if you're praying for a Christ-centered marriage, don't ignore a fundamental
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difference in faith just because the chemistry is amazing.
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And please don't make it your mission to convert the man you're dating.
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Share your faith. Live your faith. Be honest about what matters to you.
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But let him make his own decisions about God.
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And for goodness sakes, don't marry a man that doesn't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
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I don't care if he's part Catholic, part Christian. He needs to be fully in
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the faith before you marry him.
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I think so many of us women are getting in relationships with men that are like,
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oh, they're kind of lukewarm with Jesus.
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It's like, no, ma'am, you need your man to be like, I love Jesus.
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And I am unashamed to say that.
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And I am going to live the way that God asks me to live. I'm going to allow
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God to transform my heart and do the work, right? A teachable man, not a perfect man.
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Maybe your faith, you have bigger faith than he does.
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Maybe your walk with God is a little further. Maybe, you know,
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you've worked through a lot of your own sin. And again, you know,
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I believe there's seasons of separation that God brings us to because those
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kinds of things need to be worked out before the marriage.
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All right. But as long as you're both going after Jesus, I say go for it, sis.
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All right. Let's get into the next one. Number four, the churchgoer.
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Okay, honey, just because a man sits in a church pew doesn't automatically mean
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he's walking with Jesus. I know, I know.
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We're gonna get into this today because there's so many different types and
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different situations that we have to be aware of and open our eyes to.
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So this is the man who knows when to stand, when to sit, when to say amen,
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and maybe even when to throw his hands up during worship.
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He knows the Christian vocabulary. He knows the right things to say.
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He might even know scripture better than you do.
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But what happens when the church doors close? How does he treat people when
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nobody important is watching?
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Does he tell the truth when lying would be easier?
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Does he take accountability and responsibility when he's wrong?
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Does he treat people with kindness when they can't do anything for him?
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Does he live out what he says he believes?
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Because attending church is not the same thing as allowing God to transform your life.
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James 1.22 tells us to be doers of the word, not hearers only.
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That means our faith isn't just something we talk about.
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It's something we're called to live. And this applies to all of us,
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by the way, me included. Come on.
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I'm not standing here saying I get everything right because I have a podcast
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about Jesus. Goodness, no.
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I need him every single day.
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The question isn't whether a man looks impressive at church.
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The question is whether his faith is something he genuinely is seeking and wanting
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to live out beyond the church building.
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So don't let a man's spiritual vocabulary distract you from what you're actually
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experiencing in the relationship.
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You don't need to investigate him like you're working for the FBI.
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You just need to take your time, get to know him, and observe whether his words
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and actions align up over time.
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A church attendance record is not a substitute for knowing somebody's character.
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Okay, again, look at the character. Look at the fruit.
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Take your time. Slow down. Consult God. Is God in this? Pray about it.
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You have to go to God for yourself so you know what God is saying to you.
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I can sit up here all day and preach to you and tell you everything I know,
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but at the end of the day, I'm still going to point you back to the Holy Spirit.
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I'm still gonna point you back to God.
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Go to God about this, okay? Because only God can guide you in your specific situation.
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I just hope some of the knowledge and wisdom that God gives me helps you,
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right? That's why I'm here.
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All right, number five. Okay, this one, ladies.
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The covert trickster. All right. This is a real thing. I have seen this type
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of relationship and it's quite interesting.
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I'm just trying to bring light to the darkness because when we expose darkness,
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boy, do we save ourselves from a lot of heartbreak.
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So let's talk about this one that I like to call the covert trickster.
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And yes, I came up with that name myself.
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You know me, I'm always, I tried to find some kind of humor in all of this because
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dating can be hard, I know.
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And relationships can be difficult, I know.
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But I know that when I walk with God, he reveals the truth that I need to see.
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That's why I walk with him, because he's ever guiding us.
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And so this one can be harder to recognize because the behavior isn't always
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loud or obvious, all right?
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He might present himself as extremely sensitive, humble, misunderstood,
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or consistently wounded by everyone around him. It is actually quite exhausting.
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He may appear to be the one who always gets hurt, the one who never gets a fair
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chance, or the one everybody supposedly misunderstands.
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And at first, you feel for him. You want to be gentle with him.
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You want him to know that you're safe.
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And there's nothing wrong with having compassion for somebody who's been hurt, okay?
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But compassion does not mean you stop paying attention.
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The concern is when vulnerability becomes a way to avoid accountability.
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You bring up something that hurt you and suddenly the entire conversation becomes
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about how badly you've hurt him by mentioning it. Oh no, girl.
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You try to talk through a problem and somehow you're the one apologizing for having feelings.
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You ask a reasonable question, and the conversation gets turned around until
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you are defending yourself instead of addressing what happened.
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And every time you try to resolve the original issue, the subject changes.
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Sis, that can leave you feeling confused, guilty, and unsure whether you're
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even allowed to bring up a concern.
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Now, let me be clear. Being sensitive isn't a red flag by itself.
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Having a painful past isn't a red flag by itself.
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And getting defensive sometimes doesn't automatically make somebody manipulative.
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We're looking at repeated patterns.
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Okay, so can he listen when you tell him something hurt you? Can he listen to that?
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Can he acknowledge his part without making you responsible for his feelings?
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Can the two of you have a difficult conversation without the original concern
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disappearing under a pile of guilt and blame? Because a relationship cannot
29:10
grow if one person is never allowed to raise an issue.
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And we do not need to diagnose anybody to recognize a pattern that isn't healthy for us.
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You can call the behavior what it is without trying to label the person.
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Here's the thing I want you to remember. being wounded doesn't does not give
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someone permission to wound you okay,
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we all have places where we need healing we all have moments when we get defensive
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the difference is whether we're willing to recognize it take responsibility and work on it.
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Don't let somebody's presentation distract you from the reality of how the relationship functions.
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And don't let guilt convince you that asking for honesty and accountability makes you a bad woman.
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You know what I mean? You feel me?
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Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Are you? Yeah. Is that, is that the saying?
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All right, let's get into number six, this one, the wolf and sheep's clothing.
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All right. Now, this one is different from the covert trickster.
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All right. The covert trickster may use victimhood, sensitivity,
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or subtle blame shifting to avoid accountability.
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The wolf and sheep's clothing is the man who uses his spiritual presentation,
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authority, or knowledge of scripture to control the people around him.
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He wants to be seen as the spiritual authority. He might speak loudly about
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submission, respect, and what a godly woman should do.
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He may have a whole lot to say about your behavior, your clothes,
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your friendships, your decisions, and how you should be living.
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But when it's time to examine his own behavior, suddenly the rules are different.
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He expects you to be humble, but he refuses correction.
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He tells you to forgive, but he doesn't take responsibility for the harm he's caused.
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He talks about respect, but he doesn't treat you with respect.
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He uses scripture to win an argument instead of allowing scripture to examine his own heart.
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Sis, that is not spiritual leadership.
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And I want to be careful with this because a man having leadership responsibilities
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in a church does not automatically make him controlling.
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A man having strong convictions does not automatically make him manipulative.
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We're talking about someone who uses spiritual authority as a tool to dominate
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another person rather than serve and love them.
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Okay, Jesus had very strong words for religious leaders who focused on outward
32:00
appearances while neglecting what mattered in their hearts.
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You can read about it in Matthew 23.
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It says, Jesus flips the world's definition of authority on its head.
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While earthly rulers use their positions to dominate and control,
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Jesus demands that kingdom leadership must be defined by humility,
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servanthood, and self-sacrifice.
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That is worth remembering when we talk about leadership, okay?
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A man who wants to build a Christ-centered marriage should not be using the
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Bible as a weapon to get his way. and neither should a woman.
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We are all accountable to God. If somebody tells you that questioning their
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behavior is the same thing as rebelling against God, slow down.
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Seek wise, grounded counsel.
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Read scripture in context. Don't let somebody else become the only person allowed
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to tell you what God says.
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And if there is intimidation, abuse, please prioritize your safety and seek support.
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You can respect a man's faith without surrendering your ability to recognize
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when something is wrong.
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Spiritual authority is not a permission slip for control.
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You got it, sis? I know I'm very firm today on this one.
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Because if men are not leading with humility, with serving others,
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with love, like Christ does the church.
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They are not the leaders that we need to be following okay.
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All right, we got that one out of the way. Now let's get into number seven,
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the good intentions freeloader.
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Okay, come on, sis. Girls, we're gonna talk about the man who is sweet.
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He's polite. He's nice to your family. He doesn't seem to have a mean bone in his body.
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And maybe he really is a good-hearted person.
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But when it comes to building a life, making plans, taking responsibility,
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and moving forward, you get crickets.
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He's always waiting for the right time. He's waiting for the perfect opportunity.
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He's waiting for God to open a door.
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But he's not taking any steps toward the door that's already in front of him.
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And somehow you find yourself doing all the planning, making all the decisions,
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carrying all the responsibility, and wondering why you feel more like his mother than his partner.
34:35
Now, let me make an important distinction. A man going through a hard season
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is not automatically lazy.
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Losing a job, struggling financially, dealing with illness, or trying to figure
34:48
out his next step does not make somebody a freeloader.
34:52
Life happens, we all go through seasons when we need help.
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And a godly relationship isn't about demanding that a man be rich,
35:01
successful, or have everything figured out before you give him a chance.
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But there is a difference between a man who is facing a difficult season and
35:11
a man who has made passiveness his lifestyle.
35:16
Is he taking responsibility for what he can control?
35:20
Is he willing to make a plan, take action, learn, work, and contribute?
35:25
Can he talk honestly about his circumstances without expecting you to carry everything on your own?
35:32
Does he treat your time, money, energy, and effort as valuable?
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Because a marriage is a partnership. One person shouldn't be expected to carry
35:43
the entire load while the other person keeps saying, just wait on God.
35:48
Waiting on God doesn't mean refusing to do your part.
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And Proverbs 6, 6-11 uses the example of the ant to teach diligence and responsibility.
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And 2 Thessalonians 3, 10-12 addresses the importance of working responsibility
36:07
rather than living in idleness.
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Those passages aren't permission to shame people who cannot work or who are struggling.
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They're reminders that responsibility and diligence matter.
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Sis, you are not called to raise a grown man. You're not required to have all the answers either.
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You're both going to have seasons when you need to lean on each other.
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But if you're looking for a marriage where you can build a life together,
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pay attention to whether he's willing to participate in that building.
36:40
Don't confuse being sweet with being ready for partnership.
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And don't make yourself responsible for a future that he isn't willing to help create, okay?
36:51
Life is already rough. You gotta have a partner that's on your side that's willing
36:55
to take half of the load, all right?
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So let's move on to number eight, the chaser.
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Okay, girls, the chaser. This man knows how to make an entrance.
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At the beginning, he is all in.
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The messages are flowing. The phone calls are coming in. He's making plans,
37:16
bringing flowers, saying all the right things and making you feel like the most
37:20
fascinating woman on the planet.
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And you're thinking, well, hello there. Where have you been?
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He knows how to pursue, but here's where you need to pay attention.
37:34
Does that energy turn into consistency? Because sometimes a man loves the excitement
37:40
of a new connection, the thrill of winning somebody over, and the feeling of being wanted.
37:46
But once the relationship requires patience, communication, compromise,
37:52
and ordinary everyday effort, he starts disappearing.
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Suddenly, he's too busy.
37:58
The calls slow down, the plans become vague, you start wondering what changed,
38:03
and you find yourself working harder to get back the attention he gave you so
38:09
freely in the beginning.
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Now, not every man who starts out enthusiastic and later slows down is playing games.
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The beginning of a relationship can be exciting, and it is, and real life eventually does settle in.
38:24
The issue is, again, right here, a repeated pattern of intense pursuit without
38:31
the follow-through needed to build a relationship.
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Pursuit is not the same thing as commitment. Flowers are lovely.
38:39
Thoughtful messages are lovely. Being pursued can be wonderful.
38:43
But you cannot build a marriage on the first few weeks of somebody being excited about you.
38:49
You need to know whether he can keep showing up after the novelty wears off.
38:54
Can he communicate when something is difficult? Can he make plans and follow through?
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Can he keep investing in the relationship when it requires effort instead of just excitement?
39:05
Don't get so swept up in how a man starts that you forget to pay attention to
39:11
how he continues. Consistency.
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Let time reveal what grand gestures cannot.
39:19
And sis, you do not need to chase somebody down to convince him to keep choosing you. Okay?
39:25
If you are the only one trying to keep the relationship alive,
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that is information worth paying attention to.
39:35
Now for the standard, the godly good guy.
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All right, girls, we've covered the eight types. And if you recognize somebody
39:45
while listening, take a deep breath.
39:48
You don't need to panic. Send 17 screenshots to your best friend or make a major
39:52
life decision in the next five minutes, okay?
39:56
Take what you've heard, pray for wisdom, look honestly at your circumstances
40:01
and make thoughtful decisions.
40:04
Go to God, pray about it, ask him. I'm always going to be sending you back to
40:09
God. This again is just information.
40:12
I just wanna help gather information and give it to you so you can make wise
40:17
decisions for yourself.
40:18
What we're talking about is patterns, not putting every man into a box.
40:23
A person can make a mistake without fitting one of these descriptions.
40:28
What matters is the broader pattern and whether there is honesty.
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Accountability, and a willingness to change.
40:37
So let's talk about what we're actually looking for. Again, this is a standard.
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This is what I have found to be true in my life.
40:47
Again, go to God for yourself. Ask for wisdom. Ask for truth.
40:51
Ask for confirmation because everybody's story is different.
40:56
But in what I have learned, we're looking for the godly good guy.
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And no, he is not perfect. He may still be working through some things.
41:06
He may have areas where he needs to grow. He may make mistakes and have to apologize
41:11
because let's be real, he's human.
41:13
But there is a difference between a man who is growing in his walk with God
41:18
and a man who keeps making excuses for behavior that hurts you.
41:23
A godly man is not simply a man who says he believes in God or in Jesus.
41:30
He is a man who is seeking to follow Jesus and allowing that faith to shape how he lives.
41:39
He's willing to be corrected. He's willing to tell the truth.
41:43
He's willing to take responsibility for his choices. He's willing to acknowledge when he's wrong.
41:49
And he's not expecting you to become his Holy Spirit.
41:52
Girl, you do not want that job anyways.
41:57
You have enough going on. You cannot transform somebody's heart by force.
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You can encourage him, pray for him and support his growth, but he has to choose
42:08
to walk with God for himself. I want to say that again.
42:12
He has to choose to walk with God for himself.
42:17
And this is important. A godly good guy isn't a man who never struggles with sin.
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He's a man who doesn't make peace with sin or expect you to ignore it.
42:28
He is willing to bring his life before God and respond when the Holy Spirit
42:34
convicts him. And the same goes for us women.
42:37
We don't get to demand that a man grow while refusing to look at our own hearts.
42:43
This is why healing matters. This is why surrender matters.
42:47
This is why we need to be willing to face the places in us that still need God's attention.
42:55
Not so we can become perfect enough to deserve love,
42:58
but so we can learn to recognize what love requires and participate in a relationship
43:05
with honesty, wisdom, and spiritual maturity. And here's something else.
43:12
You don't have to decide whether a man is your God-ordained husband after three dates.
43:18
Take your time. Get to know him. Pray. Pay attention. Seek wisdom.
43:25
Let the relationship develop without forcing it to become something before you've
43:30
had time to understand who you're building with.
43:35
And don't confuse a man who makes
43:37
you feel excited with a man who is prepared to build a life with you.
43:42
Chemistry matters, but it isn't the whole foundation.
43:46
You want a relationship where both people are willing to see God,
43:50
grow, communicate, and honor the commitment they're making.
43:55
That's the kind of relationship we're talking about when we talk about holy love.
44:00
Not perfect love, not a relationship without hard days, but love that is willing
44:05
to tell the truth, take responsibility, and keep turning toward God.
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I wanna leave you with something today.
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Yes, we need to raise our standards. Yes, we need to stop overlooking behavior
44:18
that hurts us. And yes, we need to be willing to walk away from relationships
44:23
that are not right for us.
44:25
But this isn't about trying to force men to change by withholding relationships from them.
44:30
Every person has a choice. We cannot control whether a man grows,
44:35
whether he seeks God, or whether he becomes ready for marriage.
44:39
What we can do is take responsibility for our own choices.
44:44
We can stop making excuses for behavior we know is hurting us.
44:47
We can stop abandoning our own needs just to keep somebody around.
44:52
We can stop confusing being chosen by a man with being valuable.
44:56
And we can start doing the work that helps us walk into relationships with a
45:01
clear understanding of who we are and what we're willing to build.
45:07
Because sometimes the biggest question isn't just, what kind of man am I choosing?
45:12
Sometimes it's also what is happening in me that makes me keep choosing this kind of relationship.
45:20
And that question isn't meant to shame you. It's meant to open a door.
45:25
Maybe you've been afraid of being alone. Maybe you've spent years trying to
45:29
prove you're worthy of being loved.
45:31
Maybe you've gotten so used to carrying everything that you don't know how to
45:35
let somebody show up for you.
45:37
Maybe you've been ignoring your own discomfort because you desperately wanted
45:41
the relationship to work.
45:42
Whatever your story is, you can bring it to God. You don't have to keep repeating
45:48
a pattern just because it's familiar.
45:50
And you don't have to figure it all out by yourself.
45:54
This is the part of why I'm working on a new book centered around a 21-day healing journey.
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I want to help women get honest about what they've been carrying,
46:06
face the things that need attention, and begin moving forward with God.
46:11
I'm not gonna promise...
46:13
That 21 days will fix every wound or that your life will suddenly look completely
46:19
different because healing is personal and it can take time.
46:23
But I do believe that choosing to face your pain, to invite God into it,
46:29
and to take intentional steps forward can begin something meaningful.
46:35
I know what it's like to spend years trying to survive, trying to hold everything
46:40
together and trying to figure out how to move forward after heartbreak.
46:45
And I know what it's like to begin surrendering those things to Jesus and discover
46:49
that you don't have to keep living the same way.
46:53
You can learn. You can grow. You can let God renew your mind.
46:58
You can begin to recognize the patterns that no longer serve the life you're trying to build.
47:03
And you can learn to make choices from a place of greater wisdom instead of fear.
47:09
Because we are going face first into our healing error.
47:13
And we're not doing it by pretending we've got it all together.
47:16
We're doing it by bringing the real stuff to God and letting him work in us one step at a time.
47:25
All right, ladies, that's our eight. Now, I want you to send this episode to
47:29
your best friend, your sister, or to that girlfriend that might need a little
47:33
reminder to pay attention to what she's experiencing in her relationship.
47:37
Send it with love not judgment we're not here to tear anybody down we're here
47:41
to encourage others to make wise decisions and remember our worth
47:46
and if you're new here make sure you follow girl date the good guy so you don't miss an episode
47:52
and if this episode encouraged you i'd love for you to leave a review on apple
47:57
podcast it helps other women find us the link is down in the show notes for that.
48:02
And don't forget to sign up for the Holy Rescue newsletter. It is at girldatethegoodguy.com.
48:10
And again, that link is down in the show notes. Thank you for spending time with me today.
48:16
Thank you to all my California girls, Texas girls, Virginia girls,
48:21
New Jersey girls, England girls, and every girl listening from somewhere else around the world.
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I am so grateful that you are here. I'll see you next Thursday at 5 a.m.
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Until then, keep your eyes on Jesus. And remember, this is your holy rescue. Bye for now.