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Newton's Third Law Applied to the Human Experience · The Single Doc Mom Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: My family.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Single Doc Mom Podcast, where we explore mindset strategies to help you stop enduring and start enjoying life.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Amanda Queen.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an adult endocrinologist, certified life coach, and your host.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is completely separate from my medical practice.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: It is for sharing my personal experiences as a single doc mom.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And though I am a doctor, I am not your doctor.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a substitute for professional care, diagnosis, or treatment.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you have questions about your health or health of your child, please see your own healthcare professional.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back, ladies.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is our third podcast, and I appreciate you guys coming back.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Please share this podcast.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Follow me, leave me a five-star review if you are enjoying this so that others can find us.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to be talking about how life is 50-50.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to think of this one as Newton's third law applied to the human experience.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't the other shoe falling when life is going great.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then we think, oh, the other shoe's got to fall soon, like things are going too well.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that doomsday sort of thinking.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is truly, as I think of it, Newton's third law of equal and opposite forces in physics applied to our human existence.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: If we're going to have good days, we're also going to have bad days.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And they're probably going to equal each other, just about.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean that they're the same bad days and severity as the days are, the good days are in highs, but over the course of our lives, we're going to see about half and half.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I once had a patient who had this um pretty terrible upbringing, like involved losing both of her parents, almost like a Cinderella.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think her dad got remarried and then like put her into a boarding or put her into a foster home.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: She really like lived in foster care until 18.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then struggled for a few years, but then, you know, ended up finding and creating this amazing, finding a love and creating her own family.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, you know, I just feel like the first half of my life was really terrible, and the last half has been amazing.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like we don't know what's going to have in store for us.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the reason why it's so important to understand this principle is that when things are going, um, when things aren't going well, we think it should be different.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that should that we put on it often exacerbates an already difficult situation and kind of makes us feel, can make us feel even worse.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a quote that I love.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I heard it a few years ago.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think I may have heard it around the time of my divorce.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it's pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I originally heard that attributed to the Dalai Lama.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but as I was trying to fact-check it, it's kind of hard to see where it originally came from.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it was Haruki Murakami.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: So if any of you know, please let me know.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that's where I was seeing the most things in there.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, pain is a natural part of our experience being on Earth.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, suffering gets added when we resist it.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And typically um, our resistance looks like it should be different.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Things should be different, things this shouldn't have happened, um, or wanting it to be different.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And applying that to the standard office day.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm outpatient endocrine or I'm adult endocrine, um, typically outpatient days, and it is very easy to get behind.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and when I'm in there, I'm thinking it shouldn't be this way.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: My brain starts perseverating on how far behind I am.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I look at my watch, I think about how I couldn't get out of a room or I'm getting waylaid with a phone message or an in-basket, something in between patients.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I may complain to my MA about you know the day's events, and really I'm only further delaying my day and adding more suffering to an already kind of painful day.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas on my better days, my better brain days, I should say, I'm able to recognize that yes, I'm behind and yes, it's okay, this happens.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't make it mean anything other than I'm just running behind today.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: People needed my time, I gave them my time.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And um on those days, I'm able to keep going.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I walk into the room, I thank the patients for waiting, and I'm usually able to make up a little bit of time.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Ironically, the same I outlined this talk in the morning before work, and that same day after I did all of this, I added this later.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, our AI ambient listening notewriting went through a C change and how they do things.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I was not in a good brain space, even though I had just written this all out, I could not like get past why did they do this to us?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was so good.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why did they change it?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why did they not tell us?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is huge.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I was so angry, like I could feel myself vibrating, and I could not think, like I was so stuck in the problem, I there was no problem solving going on, seeing trying to find any solutions.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: So clearly, I get that we're not going to be perfect on this.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: But when one of my partners seemed like she was having a completely normal day, whereas the rest of us are texting each other and being like, What just happened?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and she was unaware of this, she's like, Oh, yeah, I don't use the assessment plan part.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I just use the B, you know, the HPI for it.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh, I could do that rather than having to do the whole note by hand again.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it made my day so much better.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I couldn't see that solution whatsoever, even though it was a fairly obvious solution.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So all this to say, I there was no expectation to perfection.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is all about progress, not perfection.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: So looking at kids, I have 12 and 14-year-old boys, and there are times that they respond to me in less than angelic ways, as you might imagine a teenager would.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's a harsh tone, sometimes it's criticizing words or humor that I don't really find so funny because it hits too close to home, like oldilaks.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Love that one.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or an ungrateful attitude, or bickering with each other, or pushing back on screen time, or doing chores, or whatever it is.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just saying and just saying all of this at once actually makes me think my kids are truly ungrateful, spoiled brats.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and they aren't.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: They have moments when they act like that, but those are moments.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: They are actually really great kids.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to remind myself that they're teenager boys and they're experiencing testosterone for the first time, and they're finding boundaries, they're testing boundaries.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Of course they are going to be doing this.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Of course they are.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Continue to maintain appropriate boundaries and rein in the behavior, but it does mean that I don't make it mean anything more than these are difficult times and moments and interactions and that they're probably supposed to happen.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: The teen years aren't easy for anyone.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, like people have been talking about how the teenage years are hard for as long as I can remember, and for some reason I'm surprised by it when it's happening to me.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not really sure how that happened, but or why that's happening to me, but yes.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And when I'm in this brain space of, of course this is happening as it should, like this is what teenagers do.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I show up better for them and for me, and I'm actually able to navigate life more easily.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm stuck in the thought of I'm raising ungrateful heathens, I'm feeling angry or frustrated, and my actions are not helpful.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And to be clear, those actions are kind of their same behavior back to them.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Screaming, lunatic.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Not my best self.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't remember all the times that my kids are amazing, and they'll still give me a kiss goodbye and tell me they love me, even when their friends are present, or when they do their homework without me asking on a pretty regular basis.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Applying this to co-parenting with their dad, there's one um huge example of this that I remember.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I remember driving down the highway on my way to work, and this was years ago, um, perseverating on an interaction I just had with him that I perceived as negative.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: I have no idea what it was now.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I but I remember just being like seething, like another one of those where I'm like just vibrating with anger and replaying it all in my head.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And as my brain is revisiting the conversation repeatedly, getting more and more frustrated because I was thinking it shouldn't have happened.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: This shouldn't be, you know, whatever was said shouldn't have been said.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I should have stuck up for myself more.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure that was probably my thought.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um I remember trying to call a couple of my girlfriends that I knew were typically commuting around the same time.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: They weren't available.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that was such a blessing because I was able to just sit there for a minute, keep driving, and I remember exactly where I was on the highway.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was on 71 South, driving between Montgomery and Kenwood Road exits when the negative spiral kind of stopped and it was replaced with a new thought that was of course you're gonna argue and disagree and be frustrated with one another.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: There are healthy marriages where this happens, and we're divorced.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, of course, this is gonna happen.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: We are going to have conflict, we are going to disagree.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I think it's gonna be any different?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And my whole morning and my mindset changed.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I probably started driving better, and it was like truly as if the skies had brightened.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, clouds parted.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: It was like one of those moments for me.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to see that the interaction was just part of the process, and it was over, and I didn't need to keep reliving it.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where I'm kind of grateful that my girlfriends didn't answer, that they couldn't answer.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was able to get to this point a little bit sooner and stop the negative spiral and move into and shift into how do I want to handle this differently next time?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: If this is part of the process and I don't like how this one ended, this interaction ended, what can I do differently next time?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do better next time to help myself in this process?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not perfect.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I can't always see all of life like this all the time and pull myself out of the spiral every single time, or even let's go back to the 50-50.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know that I do it 50% of the time.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that of course I'm gonna have some bad days, and I don't try to think that I did anything wrong or that it should be anything different.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm able to show up better for myself.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, to this end of I'm not perfect, just this morning I actually texted a girlfriend and asked her to talk me off the ledge.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we all have our moments.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this isn't about judging ourselves, it's just about noticing and being aware and trying to find more useful thoughts and habits to help us on our days.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, as promised, I'll leave you with another human moment from a recent archive.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this was when my son and I were on vacation with my parents and sister and in the Caymans.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And my son had just caught like this huge wahoo, and we were making ceviche and making all the things from it.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: And we had we actually did some ahi tuna and we bought this powdered um wasabi, and I had just made up a little bit of wasabi and for the sashimi that we were making, and someone commented that it looks like guacamole, and we're my dad, my sister, and my son and I are all laughing about it.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: And Josh looks at me and he's like, I don't think Nina hears us.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so, being the evil child that I am, I might have put a tiny bit, a tiny bit of the wasabi on a tortilla chip and said, Oh, the guacamole's ready.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: To which my mom like popped up from the couch and was like, ooh, I'll try the guacamole.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna try to include the recording.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not so tech, so forgive me if it doesn't end up appearing in here.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Unbeknownst to me, my son was videoing this and he caught my mom's reaction to it not being in fact guacamole.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then you'll hear this like terrible screeching sound, which it took me a minute to realize that that was me.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: I had been holding my breath so much and I was laughing so hard that I just am like, it's it's just awful.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: You'll hear it.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's really please follow and leave us a five star review so that others may find us.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, though you may be single, you are not alone.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next week.