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How Labels and Diagnoses Can Damage Your Daughter · Raising Daughters

0:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Raising Daughters, the podcast that helps parents learn
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Speaker 1: the best ways to support their daughters as they navigate
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Speaker 1: the high levels of stress, anxiety, pressure, and uncertainties so
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Speaker 1: pervasive in our culture today. Doctor Tim Jordan is a
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Speaker 1: developmental and behavioral pediatrician who has specialized in counseling girls
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Speaker 1: for over thirty years and shed's light on the realities
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Speaker 1: of today's young women in all facets of their lives.
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Speaker 1: This is your opportunity to learn how to better support
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Speaker 1: your daughters, making them feel safe, secure, and truly loved
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Speaker 1: in the midst of life's ups and downs. Here is
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Speaker 1: your host, Doctor Tim.
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Speaker 2: Hello there again, friends, Doctor Tim Jordan. Here, I'm coming
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Speaker 2: to you today with a topic that I hope you
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Speaker 2: will resonate with. I think you will because it's an
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Speaker 2: issue and a problem I think a lot of our
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Speaker 2: kids are faced with each and every day of their lives,
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Speaker 2: and I've met a lot of you parents who listened
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Speaker 2: to this will also recognize and resonate with the experiences
1:08
Speaker 2: you had growing up as well. Let me tell you
1:11
Speaker 2: a quick story and then I'll go into the topic.
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Speaker 2: I read this story about Megan Markle, who is the
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Speaker 2: wife of Prince Harry. I believe one time when she
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Speaker 2: was in seventh grade, apparently there was a mandatory census
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Speaker 2: that she had a complete in her English class in school,
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Speaker 2: and they made you check one of the boxes to
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Speaker 2: indicate your ethnicity white, Black, Hispanic, Asian. So she said,
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Speaker 2: there I was, with my curly hair, my freckled face,
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Speaker 2: my pale skin, my mixed race, looking down at these boxes,
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Speaker 2: not wanting to mess up, but not knowing what to do,
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Speaker 2: because she said, you could only choose one, but that
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Speaker 2: would be for me having to choose one parent over
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Speaker 2: the other, because one of her parents was Caucasian, her dad,
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Speaker 2: and her mom was African American. So she didn't know
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Speaker 2: what to do. So she kind of sat there and
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Speaker 2: her teacher came by and said, what's wrong, and she
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Speaker 2: told her, and she said, why why don't you check
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Speaker 2: the box for Caucasian, because that's how you look. Megan
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Speaker 2: put her pen down, not as an act of defiance,
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Speaker 2: but rather a symptom of being even more confused. She
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Speaker 2: couldn't bring herself to do that, to picture the pit
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Speaker 2: in her belly sadness her mother would feel if she
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Speaker 2: were to find out. So she said, I didn't take
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Speaker 2: any box. I left my identity blank, a question mark,
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Speaker 2: an absolute, incomplete, because that's how she felt. When she
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Speaker 2: went home that night, she told her dad what had happened,
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Speaker 2: and he said to her some words that she said
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Speaker 2: have always stayed with her. He said, if that ever
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Speaker 2: happens again, you draw your own box. I've always been
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Speaker 2: someone who didn't like the whole concept of labels. I
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Speaker 2: find way too many kids today who who own too
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Speaker 2: many labels. Some of those labels have been given to
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Speaker 2: them by their parents, by the educational system, and sometimes
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Speaker 2: they've they've gotten the labels because they labeled themselves. I
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Speaker 2: don't like it because it's so limiting, I think. And
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Speaker 2: one of our middle school camps recently, we didn't exercise
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Speaker 2: about labels. We asked the kids to uh right on
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Speaker 2: a name tag, a label that either they or others
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Speaker 2: had put on them, and then once they had all
3:37
Speaker 2: done that, this was the label that affected them the most.
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Speaker 2: Once they did that, they started mingling around and treating
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Speaker 2: each other like the labels on their shirt on that
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Speaker 2: name tag, and enable the labels that they wrote down
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Speaker 2: were things like annoying, weird, popular, nerdy, loner, needy, athlete,
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Speaker 2: slot different, don't fit in, ADHD, anxiety disorder, depressed, invisible, ugly,
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Speaker 2: immature professionist. Those are the labels that they put on
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Speaker 2: themselves in this middle school retreat. And then they walked
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Speaker 2: around and sort of mingled, and then they started treating
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Speaker 2: each other like what was on their label. And it
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Speaker 2: was awkward at first, but then they kind of got
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Speaker 2: into it. But then it brought some interesting results because
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Speaker 2: they realized the effect that that label they had on
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Speaker 2: them was affecting the way they showed up and the
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Speaker 2: way that that caused people to treat them differently than
4:45
Speaker 2: they wanted to be treated. There's a concept called the
4:49
Speaker 2: Rosenthal effect. I learned about this in my fellowship a
4:53
Speaker 2: long time ago, where some people, some people not doctor Rosenthal,
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Speaker 2: it didn't experiment with elementary school kids, and he labeled
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Speaker 2: some of those kids as high potential kids who had
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Speaker 2: performed better in IQ tests, and then the other kids
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Speaker 2: he labeled as being slow and not a very good student,
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Speaker 2: like a troubled student. And before the school year started,
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Speaker 2: he told their teachers, these are the kids who were
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Speaker 2: bright and smart and have high potential, and these other
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Speaker 2: kids are the ones who have low potentials, they're not
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Speaker 2: very smart, and then that's that's what he did. Then
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Speaker 2: he let them do the school year, and what happened
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Speaker 2: was interesting because the kids who had been labeled as
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Speaker 2: bright and high students perform a lot better than the
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Speaker 2: ones who had been labeled as slower and kind of
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Speaker 2: low potential students, even though in reality that the testing
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Speaker 2: hadn't even been done. These kids weren't brighter or smarter
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Speaker 2: or less brighter, less smart. He made that up, but
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Speaker 2: something about them having that label affected their way the
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Speaker 2: teachers treated them, and they what they found using videotaping
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Speaker 2: and things was that the ones that had been labeled
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Speaker 2: as high potential kids who performed better in the testing,
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Speaker 2: there's teachers gave them more attention. They got more encouragement,
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Speaker 2: more praise. Their teachers were more kind and warm towards them,
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Speaker 2: and they felt more connected to that student and the
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Speaker 2: student more connected to them. Those kids got more input,
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Speaker 2: They were called on more in class, they were given
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Speaker 2: more feedback if they made a mistake. All of that
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Speaker 2: changed how those kids saw themselves. Those kids were described
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Speaker 2: by their teachers as being more curious, happier, better adjusted,
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Speaker 2: more likely to experience success, as adults and teachers report
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Speaker 2: they enjoyed teaching that year more than any year in
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Speaker 2: the past, And of course the kids who had been
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Speaker 2: labeled as slower and not very good students were treated
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Speaker 2: a lot differently. I'm married at one time, a long
7:00
Speaker 2: time ago, when one of my nephews was in kindergarten,
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Speaker 2: he was on a soccer team that was kind of
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Speaker 2: mixed boys and girls who just they just kind of
7:09
Speaker 2: there was two grades in the class, or i'm sorry,
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Speaker 2: two teams in his kindergarten class, and so they just
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Speaker 2: were randomly assigned. It was interesting that in first grade
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Speaker 2: the next year there was two teams again, and they
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Speaker 2: were not in mixed genders, just the boys team and
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Speaker 2: a girl team. But the two boy teams were very
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Speaker 2: clearly different. The one my nephew was on was the
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Speaker 2: kids who were labeled as being good soccer players, and
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Speaker 2: the other team were kids who were described basically as
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Speaker 2: being less good, less athletic, not very good at soccer.
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Speaker 2: Already in first grade they were being divided by labels,
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Speaker 2: and of course the kids who were with the better
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Speaker 2: kids had a better coach, they had more practice time,
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Speaker 2: had more games, and so they ended up becoming better players.
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Speaker 2: Labels can affect how kids walk, talk, show up socially,
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Speaker 2: how they act, how they react. A lot of times
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Speaker 2: because they have those labels and they've owned the labels,
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Speaker 2: they believe the labels, they feel judged. Some kids, when
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Speaker 2: they feel bad about their label, will withdraw. They want
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Speaker 2: to be invisible because they don't want to be judged
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Speaker 2: that way. Some kids will try and be like the
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Speaker 2: other kids, and so they're not true to themselves. They
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Speaker 2: put out there this facade, this fake this fake presence.
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Speaker 2: They end up losing themselves because they're trying not to
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Speaker 2: be their label. I've had a lot of mature kids
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Speaker 2: tell me that they tried that for a while, try
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Speaker 2: to fit in, to get involved in the gossip and
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Speaker 2: the talking behind people's backs, all that kind of thing,
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Speaker 2: but that they hate being that way, so they switch
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Speaker 2: back to being more authentic. It's very important what kids
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Speaker 2: say to themselves at words, what words they use to
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Speaker 2: describe themselves, and like in the Rosenthal effect, it's very
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Speaker 2: important how we see them, how they see themselves, how
9:09
Speaker 2: we see them. It is going to affect what they
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Speaker 2: take in and it will affect how they act and
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Speaker 2: react and how how will they do in life? I've said,
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Speaker 2: kids come to my summer camps and my retreats, who
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Speaker 2: who One of the first things out of their mouth
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Speaker 2: is they'll identify their label. They'll say something like I
9:31
Speaker 2: have ADHD or I'm depressed, or I have this, or
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Speaker 2: I have that. I mean, they wear on their sleeve.
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Speaker 2: That's how much they've interpret they've internalized the label. So
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Speaker 2: I thought on this podcast, I would go through a
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Speaker 2: bunch of labels I hear that kids have and talk
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Speaker 2: about what those labels might really mean. In other words,
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Speaker 2: maybe a flip side of that label, for instance, the
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Speaker 2: label of being weird. There are some kids who are
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Speaker 2: quote unquote different than the other kids. They're unique, they
10:06
Speaker 2: have different interests, they like different things. These are the
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Speaker 2: kids who might be into things like theater or anime
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Speaker 2: or Korean music. They write poetry, they may do Irish dance.
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Speaker 2: I've had a couple of girls in the last couple
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Speaker 2: of months who did aerials and trapezes, so they they
10:26
Speaker 2: might be on different kinds of teams, like they might
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Speaker 2: be in a choir or a marching band, that might
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Speaker 2: be in a play. Those are those are ways to
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Speaker 2: work together with kids. And be on a team, but
10:35
Speaker 2: it's not the traditional sports team. So some of those
10:39
Speaker 2: kids are labeled as being weird and different in a
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Speaker 2: in a in a bad way. So some of these
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Speaker 2: quote unquote labeled weird kids. They are different in some ways,
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Speaker 2: but in the way that they're not vanilla. They're more
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Speaker 2: like what one girl described as, I feel like a
11:00
Speaker 2: loop in a bowl of cheerios. A lot of these
11:03
Speaker 2: kids see their world differently. They end up being very artistic,
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Speaker 2: very creative. That's where we get a lot of our
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Speaker 2: artists and photographers and writers and poets, because they do
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Speaker 2: see things different and they can express that in a
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Speaker 2: way that that's really interesting and valuable. I hate it
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Speaker 2: when they've labeled themselves as weird in a way that's
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Speaker 2: like I'm a bad person, or I'm different in a
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Speaker 2: way that I'll never have friends, I'll always be alone,
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Speaker 2: and there's something wrong with me, And that's what a
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Speaker 2: lot of those kids internalize. I read a book years
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Speaker 2: ago called Smart Girls, Gifted Women, about very eminent women
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Speaker 2: who had been bright girls and then went out in
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Speaker 2: the world and did some great things, and the author
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Speaker 2: wanted to know what was different about the way they
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Speaker 2: were brought up because she had noticed that some of
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Speaker 2: the bright girls from her high school class at reunions
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Speaker 2: weren't doing what she thought was great things. They weren't
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Speaker 2: becoming senators and lawyers and doctor and whatever. They were
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Speaker 2: just moms. But my point is that what she found
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Speaker 2: when investigating very eminent women, women who had gotten in
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Speaker 2: the world and done some really cool things, people like
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Speaker 2: Maya Angelo, the poet, Beverly Sills, the opera singer, Georgia O'Keefe,
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Speaker 2: the painter, people like that. What she found was when
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Speaker 2: they were growing up, they were a little different in
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Speaker 2: many of them, and they didn't have much of a
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Speaker 2: social life, so they spent a lot of their time
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Speaker 2: in middle school and high school doing their thing, like
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Speaker 2: writing poetry or writing writing books, or singing, or Madame
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Speaker 2: Currie doing science experiments. They they were developing their passions
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Speaker 2: and their talents because they didn't feel like they fit in.
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Speaker 2: They were different. Once they got past high school and
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Speaker 2: out into the world in college or beyond, then they
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Speaker 2: found they found their tribes. But they were labeled as
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Speaker 2: being kind of different kids growing up, and they ended
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Speaker 2: up doing just fine. Another way some kids get labeled
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Speaker 2: is immature. And I've seen that because there's some girls
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Speaker 2: who are still into dolls longer than a lot of
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Speaker 2: their friends. Their homebodies. They like being home, they like
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Speaker 2: being home playing board games with their parents. They're not
13:16
Speaker 2: quite ready for the party scene. And in essence, they're
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Speaker 2: not immature like they're behind. What they are is they're
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Speaker 2: just growing at their own pace. They're not ready for
13:28
Speaker 2: things as early as some other girls. But the immature
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Speaker 2: part is said in a negative way, like she's so
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Speaker 2: immature when he reality, she's just doing her thing at
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Speaker 2: her pace in her way. I had a girl one time,
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Speaker 2: actually in a camp who developed a mantra on her own.
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Speaker 2: She said, what I say to myself is I'm doing
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Speaker 2: life at my pace. I thought that was beautiful. So
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Speaker 2: she was transcending her label of being immature and doing
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Speaker 2: her thing. And those kids grow up to be just fine.
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Speaker 2: They come to their things on their own, just like
14:05
Speaker 2: there are some kids who aren't ready to go away
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Speaker 2: to college when they're eighteen. That doesn't mean they're immature
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Speaker 2: in a bad way. Just means they're not ready yet yet,
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Speaker 2: is the key word Thereother label I hear a lot
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Speaker 2: is loner kids who don't really have a good friend,
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Speaker 2: are very many friends. They've never found their best yet.
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Speaker 2: And the way I look at those kids is they
14:29
Speaker 2: just haven't found their tribe yet. I've mentioned in a
14:33
Speaker 2: previous podcast it was called why Amazing Girls are Oftentimes Lonely.
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Speaker 2: I talked about some of those mature, old soul kind
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Speaker 2: of kids who have a hard time connecting with kids
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Speaker 2: their own age. Some of those girls who I meet
14:48
Speaker 2: are only children who have been around adults a lot,
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Speaker 2: and they're kind of adulta form. But some of them
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Speaker 2: have siblings, but they're just a different They're just different.
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Speaker 2: They're just old souls, immature, and they don't want to
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Speaker 2: connect through drama and gossip and some of the things
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Speaker 2: going on in their fifth grade class their eighth grade class,
15:06
Speaker 2: and so they stay out of it and they won't play,
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Speaker 2: which is incredible, but what it means is that they're
15:14
Speaker 2: kind of out of the loop, and it means that
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Speaker 2: sometimes they feel like a third wheeler because there are
15:19
Speaker 2: at lunch table and the kids are all talking about
15:21
Speaker 2: something that happen this weekend or some drama, and since
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Speaker 2: they don't participate in that, they don't know what's going on.
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Speaker 2: So they always kind of feel like on the outside,
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Speaker 2: some of those kids start to feel like they're losers,
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Speaker 2: there's something wrong with them, when in reality, they just
15:38
Speaker 2: aren't connecting with kids their age. Now Oftentimes, what I
15:41
Speaker 2: find is that they do do a much better job
15:43
Speaker 2: of connecting with kids who are older or younger. If
15:46
Speaker 2: they're at a family party, sometimes they're the ones who
15:48
Speaker 2: are hanging out with their younger cousins and playing with
15:50
Speaker 2: them and happening to blast. Are they with the older
15:52
Speaker 2: cousins who are a year or two older than them,
15:55
Speaker 2: or they maybe in high school, and they hang out
15:57
Speaker 2: and connect more with kids who are a couple of
15:59
Speaker 2: years ahead of them, who they meet maybe on a
16:02
Speaker 2: soccer team or or in a theater production or a play.
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Speaker 2: So they're not loaners and like there's something wrong with them.
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Speaker 2: They're just the kind of kids who just have a
16:12
Speaker 2: hard time connecting to people just immediately around them. Sometimes also,
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Speaker 2: these quote unquote loaners who who aren't going out in
16:19
Speaker 2: the weekends, those are just kids also who are introverts
16:23
Speaker 2: who need more alone time to recharge their batteries, and
16:26
Speaker 2: they're tired and drained at the end of a week,
16:28
Speaker 2: and so they don't really want to go out on
16:29
Speaker 2: a Friday night or to the football game. That doesn't
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Speaker 2: mean they're loaners, like they can't make friends. It just
16:35
Speaker 2: means they they just need to recharge their batteries. Or
16:39
Speaker 2: are they just having a hard time connecting with kids
16:41
Speaker 2: their own age and need to find some kids people
16:45
Speaker 2: who they can connect with. And then when you see them,
16:48
Speaker 2: like when I see some of those girls at my
16:50
Speaker 2: summer camps, they're having a blast. They connect just find
16:53
Speaker 2: where they can find in a safe place, people who
16:55
Speaker 2: they connect with on a maturity level. Another label that
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Speaker 2: I see a lot is ADHD or add and of
17:05
Speaker 2: course they get they get a bad reputation as being
17:10
Speaker 2: kids who are hyper, kids who can't focus, They're a
17:13
Speaker 2: loud and impulsive, all those kinds of things, and sometimes
17:16
Speaker 2: they act that way, and we oftentimes don't see the
17:19
Speaker 2: flip side, the positive side of that label or that diagnosis.
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Speaker 2: A lot of those kids have a hard time focusing
17:27
Speaker 2: in school because there's all these kids around them, there's
17:30
Speaker 2: noise around them, energy around them. They have a hard
17:32
Speaker 2: time focusing in that environment, hard time sitting down and
17:36
Speaker 2: listening and paying attention and learning that way in that context.
17:40
Speaker 2: But if they're a lot to do something that they
17:42
Speaker 2: love to do, they're all over it. They become hyper focused,
17:48
Speaker 2: hyper focused on the things that they love to do,
17:50
Speaker 2: and especially if they can do it in a context
17:52
Speaker 2: that works for them. That's why in some of those classrooms,
17:56
Speaker 2: those kids can sit on bouncy balls, they're allowed more
17:59
Speaker 2: breaks to go to green space because if they're out
18:01
Speaker 2: in green space for five or ten minutes, it calms
18:03
Speaker 2: them down enough to be able to go back into
18:05
Speaker 2: the classroom and focus. But I think we miss out
18:09
Speaker 2: on is those kids have a lot of energy oftentimes,
18:13
Speaker 2: which is a good thing. It's not a bad thing
18:16
Speaker 2: to be hyper focused on and doing things that you love.
18:19
Speaker 2: Those are the kind of people you want to hire
18:21
Speaker 2: when they're twenty three. People can really get into what
18:25
Speaker 2: it is, whatever it is that they're working on, whatever
18:27
Speaker 2: project that they're working on. Just like the other label
18:31
Speaker 2: I noticed that also reminds me of that is perfectionists.
18:35
Speaker 2: I see them in my counseling practice slot because they
18:37
Speaker 2: have a lot of negative self talk and parents are
18:40
Speaker 2: worried because the kids are saying critical things about themselves.
18:43
Speaker 2: They get frustrated easily if they can't do something perfect
18:46
Speaker 2: the first time, and instead of seeing it as a
18:49
Speaker 2: character flaw, well I help the kids see is that
18:53
Speaker 2: they care deeply about their work. They're often very conscientious,
18:59
Speaker 2: and they also it fully engaged in things, and that's
19:02
Speaker 2: a good thing. They need to learn to be easier
19:06
Speaker 2: on themselves. They need to learn about a growth mindset
19:11
Speaker 2: kind of thing. They need to learn to catch themselves
19:14
Speaker 2: when they're doing negative self talk, because that can decrease
19:17
Speaker 2: your performance and your focus. But the fact that they
19:21
Speaker 2: like to do things perfectly and well says a lot
19:24
Speaker 2: about them as far as caring deeply about doing well,
19:28
Speaker 2: carying deeply about whatever it is that they're doing, and
19:31
Speaker 2: that's a good thing. When I see them in the office,
19:34
Speaker 2: a lot of times their parents talk about them as
19:36
Speaker 2: being a perfectionist in a really negative way, and I
19:39
Speaker 2: can see the kids shoulders slumping. I reframe that for them,
19:45
Speaker 2: and I also help them work on, you know, controlling
19:47
Speaker 2: their emotions and controlling their self talk. But the character
19:51
Speaker 2: trait of being focused and conscientious is amazing. Here's one
19:56
Speaker 2: for you. A label. I've seen some girls get slut.
20:02
Speaker 2: These are girls who have gotten label you see from
20:04
Speaker 2: their peers from girls, and it's a caddy kind of
20:09
Speaker 2: a label, if you will. And many of the girls
20:13
Speaker 2: who I've seen who have been labeled that way end up,
20:16
Speaker 2: starting even in grade school as early as third fourth
20:20
Speaker 2: fifth grade, hanging out more with the boys than the
20:23
Speaker 2: girls at recess because they hate girl drama, they hate
20:29
Speaker 2: the gossip being, they hate all the petty stuff that
20:32
Speaker 2: goes on, and they say it's much easier to be
20:35
Speaker 2: if the boys, because but they'll say to me is
20:37
Speaker 2: boys are much more simple, meaning if they kind of
20:40
Speaker 2: they have disagreements and they punch each other, fight whatever,
20:44
Speaker 2: and then they get over it and then they move on.
20:47
Speaker 2: But because they're hanging out with the boys a lot,
20:50
Speaker 2: a lot of times girls get jealous, especially if they
20:53
Speaker 2: if they're starting to like boys, and so their way
20:56
Speaker 2: of handling that is to call the girl a slut.
21:00
Speaker 2: He's also a girl who sometimes who like to wear makeup,
21:03
Speaker 2: who like like spending time on their outfits. They'll come
21:07
Speaker 2: to school or wherever they're going in outlandish outfits as
21:11
Speaker 2: a way of expressing themselves, and some people interpret that
21:15
Speaker 2: as being slutty, if you will, when in reality has
21:18
Speaker 2: nothing to do with sexuality. It has to do with
21:21
Speaker 2: them being artistic and creative and trying to find ways
21:24
Speaker 2: to express themselves. They show people here's who I am.
21:29
Speaker 2: I hate that label. Boys who hang out with girls
21:38
Speaker 2: a lot. Boys who are sexual and sexually active are not.
21:43
Speaker 2: There's no there's not a male equivalent for slut. Those
21:46
Speaker 2: boys are called players. They're given lots of bravado. They
21:50
Speaker 2: get a reputation as being somebody who's cool and popular.
21:54
Speaker 2: But that's not the same for girls. We need to
21:56
Speaker 2: stop that. I'll see a lot of girls who are
22:01
Speaker 2: diagnosed with things like anxiety disorder. They have labels like depression.
22:10
Speaker 2: They've been grieving for too long, if you will the
22:14
Speaker 2: girls I see oftentimes who have been labeled with a
22:17
Speaker 2: diagnosis like anxieties or depression. I've said this before in
22:21
Speaker 2: my podcast, but oftentimes what I find is that what
22:25
Speaker 2: they're really showing you is symptoms of overload. Symptoms of
22:32
Speaker 2: symptoms because they've been hanging on to emotions, stuffing their
22:36
Speaker 2: feelings because they don't want to feel it, and so
22:40
Speaker 2: those feelings build up, build up, build up, and then
22:43
Speaker 2: all of a sudden, there's no room for it, and
22:45
Speaker 2: so they it starts leaking out as symptoms hard time,
22:50
Speaker 2: falling asleep, anxiety, feeling blah, losing their motivation, distracted. There's
22:57
Speaker 2: lots of ways it can leak out. It doesn't mean,
23:01
Speaker 2: in my experience, for allow those girls, it doesn't mean
23:04
Speaker 2: they have a disorder. What it means is they have
23:07
Speaker 2: symptoms of being overloaded, overwhelmed, and when they start to
23:13
Speaker 2: learn some tools to express their emotions in healthy ways
23:19
Speaker 2: and that big load becomes smaller, the symptoms go away.
23:24
Speaker 2: User girls also who do a lot of ruminating, and
23:28
Speaker 2: so they make assumptions. They ruminate. They live in their heads,
23:32
Speaker 2: and their heads they're always in the world of what if,
23:35
Speaker 2: what if, and that what if oftentimes in the future
23:38
Speaker 2: is what if worst case. They don't tend to ruminate
23:41
Speaker 2: best case. They ruminate worst case about what might happen,
23:45
Speaker 2: and they lack the skills to catch it and redirect it.
23:49
Speaker 2: So they need skills, they need tools, They need an
23:52
Speaker 2: awareness of when they're starting down that road, and then
23:55
Speaker 2: they have some tools to redirect themselves so that they
23:57
Speaker 2: don't allow themselves to get to the point where now
23:59
Speaker 2: they're an anxious mess. There's also reasons why girls sometimes ruminate. Obviously,
24:08
Speaker 2: they may be worried about losing friends because of past
24:11
Speaker 2: experiences where they were ditched by their friends. They may
24:14
Speaker 2: have had some past traumas, some really tough adversities, and
24:19
Speaker 2: so they're Amigalas are hyper sensitive. Smaller things set them
24:23
Speaker 2: off because of their They have a very hyper sensitive
24:27
Speaker 2: fight or flight reaction in their brain. So I think
24:32
Speaker 2: instead of just labeling somebody, I think it's better to
24:35
Speaker 2: ask where are their symptoms and where might tho systems
24:38
Speaker 2: symptoms be coming from what happened to them, and or
24:43
Speaker 2: how can they learn to catch it and redirect it.
24:47
Speaker 2: Same thing with people the kids who are sad depressed again.
24:51
Speaker 2: Oftentimes to me, they're symptoms of overload and it comes
24:55
Speaker 2: out as feeling blah and lost motivation, lost energy. I
25:00
Speaker 2: think that our brains learned thousands of years ago to
25:05
Speaker 2: go into depression sometimes because we needed to slow down
25:09
Speaker 2: and retreat and process experiences. It's the brain's way of saying,
25:13
Speaker 2: you need to handle something, you need to you need
25:17
Speaker 2: to think about this and reflect and work this through,
25:20
Speaker 2: so you need to slow it down, Slow it down,
25:23
Speaker 2: slow it down. I think when depression is seen in
25:27
Speaker 2: that in that sense, I think it becomes a good thing.
25:31
Speaker 2: I don't want kids being depressed for six months all
25:34
Speaker 2: day long, but there's times when we do need to
25:36
Speaker 2: step back and take some time to process through things.
25:40
Speaker 2: What happens for a lot of kids is when they
25:44
Speaker 2: start to feel things, they start to feel sad, they
25:46
Speaker 2: may be crying, is that they start labeling even that.
25:50
Speaker 2: Here's what they'll say. They'll say I'm losing it, or
25:53
Speaker 2: they think they're crazy. They say that I'm a mess
25:57
Speaker 2: or a basket case. That's how we've taught them to
25:59
Speaker 2: lay normal emotions like sadness, crying, and of course they
26:05
Speaker 2: don't want to feel all that, so then it just
26:06
Speaker 2: stuff it and then it gets bigger and bigger, and
26:08
Speaker 2: then here comes even more feelings, as opposed to noticing
26:13
Speaker 2: those feelings, allowing yourself to feel it, asking yourself questions
26:17
Speaker 2: about what it might mean, and to tell yourself it's okay,
26:20
Speaker 2: I'm just crying. I'm not a mess, I'm not a
26:25
Speaker 2: basket case. I'm just sad for this moment appropriately because
26:28
Speaker 2: something sad just happened to me. And if I can
26:31
Speaker 2: express that in a healthy way and it passes through me,
26:34
Speaker 2: that's what healthy mental health is. Having appropriate feelings at
26:38
Speaker 2: appropriate times and expressing them in appropriate ways. I see
26:43
Speaker 2: the same thing happening with grief. I see girls who
26:47
Speaker 2: get labeled as being why aren't you through this? I
26:52
Speaker 2: remember one time, about a year ago, I was counseling
26:54
Speaker 2: a girl who was in high school and one of
26:57
Speaker 2: her best friends had gotten killed in a crash, and
27:03
Speaker 2: he had been one of her best friends, and of
27:05
Speaker 2: course everybody in the school at first was sad, and
27:07
Speaker 2: they had posters up, and they had a little a
27:11
Speaker 2: little like novena kind of a place, a monument for
27:14
Speaker 2: him that people put down flowers and things for a while,
27:17
Speaker 2: but then slow was surely that that went away. And
27:21
Speaker 2: now about eight months later, most people had moved on,
27:25
Speaker 2: but this girl was still sad. Sometimes she would get
27:28
Speaker 2: triggered by certain things anniversaries, birthdays, just things that would
27:33
Speaker 2: remind her of her friend, And so she was being
27:37
Speaker 2: labeled as being what's wrong with you? Why aren't you?
27:40
Speaker 2: You should be through this? It's been eight months, And
27:45
Speaker 2: what I do instead is I say, it's okay for
27:48
Speaker 2: you to not be quote unquote through it. It's okay
27:52
Speaker 2: to do your grieving in your way and in your time.
27:57
Speaker 2: There's no need to try and rush you through it,
27:59
Speaker 2: because a lot of times, the reason people want you
28:01
Speaker 2: to stop being sad because it's been because it's been
28:04
Speaker 2: eight months, is because when you're sad around them, it
28:06
Speaker 2: makes them touch into their emotions and they don't want
28:09
Speaker 2: to do that. So instead of saying, well, i'm feeling sad,
28:12
Speaker 2: I need to handle that, they say, stop being sad,
28:14
Speaker 2: stop grieving. You should be through this. A lot of times,
28:20
Speaker 2: what girls will say is I have been sad, but
28:23
Speaker 2: it's okay, it's all right, and I'll say, no, it's not.
28:27
Speaker 2: It stinks that you lost your best friend. It sucks
28:31
Speaker 2: that you lost your best friend. It's okay, it's not
28:34
Speaker 2: all right, and the big picture of your whole life,
28:38
Speaker 2: yes it'll it'll get better, it'll be all right. But
28:41
Speaker 2: in this moment it stinks. It's okay to accept that
28:45
Speaker 2: and normalize that. It's also the label which happens a
28:52
Speaker 2: lot today, of being suicidal. And I'm gonna tread lightly
28:58
Speaker 2: on this one because there are some kids we have
29:00
Speaker 2: suicidal thoughts. There are some kids who are severely depressed
29:04
Speaker 2: and suicidal. That's true. But a lot of the girls
29:07
Speaker 2: who I see who have had suicidal thoughts, and they've
29:10
Speaker 2: told their parents. I don't even know if people had
29:12
Speaker 2: missed me, if I was gone, or I'm sick of this.
29:14
Speaker 2: I'm so tired of dealing with this. I wish I
29:17
Speaker 2: was dead the best fast. Majority of the girls who
29:21
Speaker 2: I see, who who are in that place, oftentimes, what
29:24
Speaker 2: they're really feeling isn't that I want to kill myself.
29:27
Speaker 2: What they're feeling is I'm overloaded. I'm so tired of this.
29:32
Speaker 2: If this has been going on for a while and
29:34
Speaker 2: I'm just tired of it, I'm just overwhelmed, overloaded. I
29:39
Speaker 2: teach them to express that when they feel it. I
29:43
Speaker 2: tell them, if you express I want to kill myself,
29:45
Speaker 2: then I think your parents should take you to the
29:47
Speaker 2: emergency room and have you evaluate. And that's not a
29:50
Speaker 2: bad thing to do, but a lot of times they
29:52
Speaker 2: don't want that, and they don't really need that. What
29:54
Speaker 2: they need is to be able to sit down, have
29:56
Speaker 2: a safe person to be with, to confide in and
29:58
Speaker 2: just to talk and to and to barf it out
30:01
Speaker 2: and to cry and to be angry. And they can
30:04
Speaker 2: do that with a parent, they can do it with
30:06
Speaker 2: a counselor like me. I tell girls so a lot
30:08
Speaker 2: of times to write letters to the person they're upset
30:10
Speaker 2: with and get it all out. And then when it's out,
30:16
Speaker 2: because they've talked it out or written it out, a
30:18
Speaker 2: lot of times they're back that overwhelmed stuff goes away.
30:26
Speaker 2: So I teach girls to express what they're feeling. And
30:30
Speaker 2: then if they do that and then they calmed out
30:32
Speaker 2: and they feel better, then they're not suicidal. I think
30:37
Speaker 2: that's become sort of a catchword. I think sometimes they
30:40
Speaker 2: notice they read things on social media and I think
30:44
Speaker 2: all of a sudden, everybody feels like they have OCD,
30:46
Speaker 2: everybody feels like they're suicidal, Everybody feels like all kinds
30:48
Speaker 2: of things. So I like to get to the root
30:50
Speaker 2: of it, like what's really going on, what are you feeling,
30:53
Speaker 2: what's happened? And usually ones that they've had a chance
30:57
Speaker 2: to express all that, then they're in a different place.
31:03
Speaker 2: Another thing, another label, dyslexia, learning disabilities and sometimes ADHD
31:10
Speaker 2: can can squeeze into there. What happens for a lot
31:13
Speaker 2: of kids who had that label and where school has
31:16
Speaker 2: been hard for them and frustrating, is that they start
31:19
Speaker 2: labeling themselves as being dumb and they feel dumb because
31:25
Speaker 2: they look around and they see that their friends get
31:30
Speaker 2: way more work done in half the time, they get
31:32
Speaker 2: way better grades. Here they are slaving away, spending way
31:36
Speaker 2: more time, and then they end up getting c's at best.
31:40
Speaker 2: I had a girl in my prossing practice not too
31:43
Speaker 2: long ago who who had a three point oh GPA
31:47
Speaker 2: in her sophomore year, second semester, and that wasn't good enough.
31:56
Speaker 2: She wanted she wanted most the a's and not be
32:01
Speaker 2: I said, why is that so important to you? And
32:03
Speaker 2: what she said was, my four best friends are all
32:06
Speaker 2: like four point six GPA students. They're like the top
32:11
Speaker 2: students in the class. They're also really good athletes, and
32:14
Speaker 2: so I compare myself to them a lot, and obviously unfavorably,
32:19
Speaker 2: because I'm sliding away to scrape by with my quote
32:22
Speaker 2: unquote three point ohert which I think is fine, but
32:24
Speaker 2: not for her because she's comparing herself so she's plenty smart,
32:33
Speaker 2: but it takes it does take her longer. She processes things,
32:36
Speaker 2: I guess a little slower, but that doesn't mean anything
32:39
Speaker 2: in real life. Just because you're having a struggle with
32:42
Speaker 2: school stuff doesn't mean out in the real world. Someday
32:45
Speaker 2: you're going to be a failure. Are being average below average?
32:49
Speaker 2: What it means is nothing because school intelligence out in
32:55
Speaker 2: the real world isn't as valuable as it is when
32:58
Speaker 2: you're growing up. While the kids I see who struggle
33:02
Speaker 2: in school with dyslexia or learn disabilities and different things,
33:05
Speaker 2: oftentimes they have some really high other intelligences. They may
33:10
Speaker 2: be very artistic. They maybe have great people skills. They
33:13
Speaker 2: might have street smarts or problem solving abilities. They may
33:16
Speaker 2: be out of the box thinkers that do really good
33:18
Speaker 2: with working with their hands. They're not dumb, and they're
33:22
Speaker 2: not gonna have a bad future, even though that's what
33:23
Speaker 2: they've labeled themselves. They need help reframing that. Here's another
33:28
Speaker 2: big one. I see a lot of girls who have
33:32
Speaker 2: been labeled as being shy, too shy, and too quiet.
33:40
Speaker 2: Sometimes their label is being slow to warm or timid.
33:44
Speaker 2: But those labels are meant in sort of a negative way,
33:47
Speaker 2: like they should be more outgoing. And there's a lot
33:51
Speaker 2: of girls who I meet who say oftentimes it's their
33:53
Speaker 2: moms who are pushing them to be more outgoing, and
33:58
Speaker 2: a lot of times they are slow to warm because
34:00
Speaker 2: it's just a temperament thing. They're sort of kind of
34:02
Speaker 2: sort of born that way. It doesn't mean they can't
34:05
Speaker 2: warm up, just means sometimes they just need a little
34:07
Speaker 2: while to kind of check out the situation. That's what
34:10
Speaker 2: slow to warm means to me, means that at first
34:12
Speaker 2: they might be a little cautious in new social situations.
34:16
Speaker 2: The girls that I meet who are like that are
34:17
Speaker 2: oftentimes very observant. They're watching people, watching how people treat
34:22
Speaker 2: other people. They're very careful about who they connect with
34:25
Speaker 2: and who they let in. Sometimes it gets more so
34:30
Speaker 2: that way if they've been hurt socially, if they've lost
34:34
Speaker 2: a group, if the group turn their back on them.
34:37
Speaker 2: So a lot of times that makes them even more timid,
34:39
Speaker 2: more cautious, if you will, which is not a bad thing,
34:42
Speaker 2: it's a good thing. I want them to be very
34:45
Speaker 2: careful about who they connect with. It's okay to look
34:48
Speaker 2: for people who who match your level of maturity and
34:51
Speaker 2: who are not into gossip and the mean girl stuff
34:54
Speaker 2: and all those kinds of things and drama. It's okay,
34:58
Speaker 2: but I don't want them being pushed before they're ready.
35:02
Speaker 2: I remember my mother in law, who was a great grandmother.
35:06
Speaker 2: She was awesome. I remember when our kids were young,
35:09
Speaker 2: my daughter was a little slow to warm and when
35:11
Speaker 2: Grandma would come over to our house for a holiday
35:14
Speaker 2: or a birthday party or whatever, she immediately wanted the
35:16
Speaker 2: kids to run up and she would want to kiss
35:18
Speaker 2: them in the face, and my daughter would would turn
35:21
Speaker 2: around and walk away because she needed some time to
35:24
Speaker 2: kind of yell warm up to my mother in law.
35:27
Speaker 2: Even though she loved her, it was just my daughter's style,
35:31
Speaker 2: and so we had to tell my mother in law
35:32
Speaker 2: that it's okay, she loves you, just give her a
35:36
Speaker 2: moment or two just kind of warm up. And when
35:39
Speaker 2: Grandma did that, then my daughter would would you know,
35:42
Speaker 2: a few miss late would come in and she'd hug her.
35:45
Speaker 2: I think too often we pushed kids before they're ready.
35:49
Speaker 2: I've seen some parents, especially moms. I've I've got several
35:54
Speaker 2: handfuls of moms in the past where I've seen their
35:58
Speaker 2: daughter because they are worried about them being too shy,
36:01
Speaker 2: too whatever. A lot of times a mom had a
36:04
Speaker 2: story in her past, and that story, oftentimes was they
36:08
Speaker 2: had problems socially growing up. They may have had no
36:12
Speaker 2: friends in middle school or no friends in high school,
36:15
Speaker 2: and they don't want their daughter to go through that
36:17
Speaker 2: being lonely like they were, and so they're pushing them
36:21
Speaker 2: to get out there before they're ready. So that's the
36:24
Speaker 2: mom's issue, not the daughters. So I need to help
36:27
Speaker 2: the mom become aware of that. Another common label. I
36:32
Speaker 2: see girls who were powerful, independent minded, assertive. Oftentimes they
36:39
Speaker 2: get labeled when they're young as being bossy. I remember
36:45
Speaker 2: one time I saw a mom who had a third
36:47
Speaker 2: grade girl, and the mom had been to a parent
36:52
Speaker 2: teacher conference and this girl told me about this. She
36:55
Speaker 2: was a little bit older, she was in the I
36:57
Speaker 2: think a freshman in high school, but she remembered back
37:00
Speaker 2: and third grade going to the parent teacher conference and
37:02
Speaker 2: sitting in the back of the classroom while her mom
37:03
Speaker 2: and the teacher talked, and she overheard the teacher tell
37:07
Speaker 2: her mom that this girl was too bossy and she
37:10
Speaker 2: didn't change her way, she was never going to have
37:12
Speaker 2: any friends. And that really hurt this little girl, and
37:17
Speaker 2: so she started holding back, she started dimming her light,
37:21
Speaker 2: if you will, because she wanted to have friends. She
37:24
Speaker 2: was just a powerful, independent minded kid and she was
37:27
Speaker 2: probably a little bit rough around the edges. In third grade,
37:31
Speaker 2: she had some growing edges. She needed to sometimes hold back,
37:34
Speaker 2: let other people, you know, lead, let other people have
37:37
Speaker 2: their opinion. Of course, she hadn't grown into that yet.
37:41
Speaker 2: Sometimes those kids just need some time, and they need
37:44
Speaker 2: some boundaries, and they need some experience. I've had girls
37:50
Speaker 2: as young as grade school, i'm sorry, preschool labeled in
37:54
Speaker 2: that way. I remember one mom told me that her
37:57
Speaker 2: daughter was labeled as the queen Bee of her preschool
38:00
Speaker 2: and she was four years old, powerful, little creature, amazing,
38:05
Speaker 2: but rough around the edges. So instead of labeling them,
38:09
Speaker 2: they need to find ways for those kids to get
38:11
Speaker 2: more power. That's also true for the labels, like kids
38:15
Speaker 2: who are labeled as being stubborn, argumentative, contrarians, ODDIE, which
38:22
Speaker 2: means oppositional defiant disorder. I can't tell you how many
38:26
Speaker 2: girls I've seen with those labels who are just really
38:30
Speaker 2: powerful kids who are not feeling like they're being hurt.
38:34
Speaker 2: They need more appropriate power. If they feel overpowered, These
38:39
Speaker 2: strong minded, independent minded, entrepreneurial kids are going to push back.
38:43
Speaker 2: That's just who they are. So when you give those
38:48
Speaker 2: kids power, when you listen to what they want and
38:50
Speaker 2: you try and work out when wins with them, those
38:53
Speaker 2: kids settle down amazingly. I see them at my simmer
38:56
Speaker 2: camps and my weekend retreats. Here kids who have been
39:00
Speaker 2: labeled that way. I love those kids. And one of
39:03
Speaker 2: the first things we do is find places for them
39:05
Speaker 2: to be a leader. We direct that energy, we listen
39:10
Speaker 2: to them, We give them places to feel empowered. Now
39:13
Speaker 2: they need they need boundaries, but they need to be
39:15
Speaker 2: kind firm boundaries, and they lose to the kind of
39:18
Speaker 2: kids who need reasons why you have a certain boundary,
39:20
Speaker 2: And oftentimes that's enough if it's just like I do
39:24
Speaker 2: it because I said so, Oh, you're pushing their they're
39:28
Speaker 2: their highest buttons. They just need more power. They need
39:32
Speaker 2: to be heard, they need to have a say so.
39:34
Speaker 2: They need to be able to make choices and make
39:36
Speaker 2: decisions when they When you give them those sorts of things,
39:40
Speaker 2: they settle down. They don't need to label a diagnosis.
39:43
Speaker 2: They need control power, say so appropriately. You can give
39:50
Speaker 2: them power by butting heads with them, but that's obviously inappropriate.
39:54
Speaker 2: Here's another big one. I see a lot in girls
39:57
Speaker 2: a label. I see a lot those who are a
40:00
Speaker 2: label as being too sensitive or maybe dramatic or a
40:05
Speaker 2: drama queen. They're too thin skinned. They take things too
40:10
Speaker 2: much to heart. And when I see those girls, what
40:14
Speaker 2: I find is girls who are sensitive. They have a
40:17
Speaker 2: big heart, they're very empathetic. Oftentimes they're very deep feelers.
40:23
Speaker 2: They care deeply about other people. They get overloaded, sometimes
40:27
Speaker 2: sensorily as well, but things like they'll hear a story
40:31
Speaker 2: in the news about kids another part of the world
40:33
Speaker 2: who are starving, and they start crying that it really
40:36
Speaker 2: hurts them. They're such deep feelers. They're not too sensitive,
40:41
Speaker 2: they're just sensitive. They feel deeply, and they need for
40:46
Speaker 2: people to listen to them and to take that part
40:49
Speaker 2: of them seriously and to give them outlets for their emotions.
40:53
Speaker 2: These are the kids who do well when they write
40:55
Speaker 2: songs or they write in their journals express their emotions
41:00
Speaker 2: if they have someone they can confide and who will
41:02
Speaker 2: listen and just say, I understand, makes sense why you
41:05
Speaker 2: might feel that way, It's okay to feel that way,
41:09
Speaker 2: what do you want to do about it? A lot
41:12
Speaker 2: of times, these sensitive kids that grow up to become
41:14
Speaker 2: our artists and our writers, and our photographers and our
41:17
Speaker 2: actors and actresses and people of that sort, what they
41:24
Speaker 2: need is not a label that says you're too much,
41:26
Speaker 2: and you're too sensitive, and you have too many emotions.
41:28
Speaker 2: What they need is someone to say, I get it,
41:30
Speaker 2: I see you, I understand. I love your big heart.
41:34
Speaker 2: I love how empathetic you are. Now, let's teach you
41:36
Speaker 2: some skills for you to take care of those emotions
41:39
Speaker 2: in healthy ways. Sometimes those kinds of kids also are
41:44
Speaker 2: labeled as they get into the teen years as being moody.
41:47
Speaker 2: These girls start to feel like they're crazy because they
41:49
Speaker 2: have such highs and lows of their emotions. They have
41:52
Speaker 2: lots of feelings, and what's happening inside their brains is
41:57
Speaker 2: is the amigal look, and the emotional centers of their
41:59
Speaker 2: brain are maturing faster than their prefrontal cortex, the executive center,
42:04
Speaker 2: so that their emotions hit high alert before their pre
42:07
Speaker 2: federal cortex can kick in to quiet it down. They
42:11
Speaker 2: need time for their brain to mature enough and their
42:13
Speaker 2: prefroneral cortex to mature so they can notice when that's
42:17
Speaker 2: happening and to say it's okay, we've been here before.
42:21
Speaker 2: You'll handle this. It's not that big a deal. You
42:25
Speaker 2: got this. That's what you want the prefrontal cortex to
42:28
Speaker 2: say to calm that brain down, but oftentimes they it's
42:31
Speaker 2: not there yet, not mature yet. There's a substance called
42:35
Speaker 2: myelin that coats nerve fibers, and the more myelin they're
42:39
Speaker 2: on a nerve fiber, the faster the circuit ghosts, so
42:44
Speaker 2: you need more mielin. From that goes from the amigdala
42:46
Speaker 2: the emotional centers to the prefronal cortex. That doesn't happen
42:50
Speaker 2: until later in the teen years for girls in the
42:53
Speaker 2: early mid twenties for boys, which is why a lot
42:56
Speaker 2: of kids in the teen years get emotional. They get
42:58
Speaker 2: emotional overload. So instead of being labeled as being too
43:03
Speaker 2: moody and girls living themselves as being crazy, they just
43:08
Speaker 2: need to know that your brain is gets on fire
43:10
Speaker 2: sometimes and you need to learn some ways to catch
43:12
Speaker 2: it earlier and then to pull away and to do
43:15
Speaker 2: some things to calm yourself down. I saw a girl
43:20
Speaker 2: recently I told you about earlier who had lower grades
43:26
Speaker 2: her second semester, and she was thinking that she was dumb.
43:30
Speaker 2: The other thing that she labeled herself in the office
43:32
Speaker 2: that day is I asked her, I say, what do
43:35
Speaker 2: you think happened? And she said, I think I'm just lazy. Now,
43:39
Speaker 2: this girl is not lazy. I think she heard that
43:44
Speaker 2: at home. I think she probably heard it at school
43:48
Speaker 2: from her teachers. What she was was discouraged. Working her
43:53
Speaker 2: butt off, watching her friends, you know, get better grades
43:57
Speaker 2: with much less effort, was discouraging. By the end the
44:00
Speaker 2: school year, she was fried. There's always a reason why
44:05
Speaker 2: kids shut down with their schoolwork, for instance, or with
44:09
Speaker 2: playing soccer, where they start to try less. There's always
44:12
Speaker 2: a reason behind that. I've seen some kids who start
44:16
Speaker 2: not turning things in and getting behind their school work,
44:19
Speaker 2: not because they're lazy, but because their parents have been
44:21
Speaker 2: micromanaging them, and they're tired of being controlled and feeling controlled.
44:25
Speaker 2: So they will do whatever it takes to show you
44:28
Speaker 2: you can't make me. If it means I don't turn
44:31
Speaker 2: things in, then I'll turn things. If it means my
44:32
Speaker 2: grace go down, I don't care. What's the most important
44:34
Speaker 2: to me is to show you I'm in charge, not you.
44:41
Speaker 2: I wonder how many of you parents listening to this,
44:44
Speaker 2: who are this kind of kid, felt that way growing up,
44:48
Speaker 2: or if you're one of those stubborn, independent mind kids,
44:53
Speaker 2: how many of you were labeled in that way growing
44:54
Speaker 2: up as being argumentative or a power struggle kid or
44:59
Speaker 2: bossy or whatever, or you were labeled as being lazy
45:04
Speaker 2: when what was happening was maybe you were struggling in
45:06
Speaker 2: school and needed help. But maybe you were one of
45:08
Speaker 2: those kids who had a hard time raising your hand
45:10
Speaker 2: and asking for help. So you started getting behind, and
45:13
Speaker 2: then are start getting behind, it got harder, and a
45:15
Speaker 2: lot of kids, I see what happens is they get
45:17
Speaker 2: so behind that they just shut down because it's just overwhelming.
45:22
Speaker 2: They're not lazy, they're overwhelmed. I also think a lot
45:29
Speaker 2: of very successful business people I've worked with over the years,
45:33
Speaker 2: a lot of them were not very good in school,
45:35
Speaker 2: didn't care about school. They were independent minded, entrepreneurial, and
45:41
Speaker 2: they didn't like people telling them what to do. They
45:44
Speaker 2: didn't like teachers telling them what to do, and so
45:46
Speaker 2: they wouldn't get people what they wanted, or they were bored.
45:50
Speaker 2: Some of them are very bright and just kind of bored,
45:53
Speaker 2: and they didn't really kick it in gear until college
45:56
Speaker 2: or even after. Some of them didn't even go to college,
45:59
Speaker 2: or even when they're out of college, because then they
46:01
Speaker 2: could really control what they were doing. They could make
46:05
Speaker 2: the choices about what they were going to put their
46:06
Speaker 2: time into, and when they had that autonomy, they flourished.
46:12
Speaker 2: I bet some of you who have those kinds of
46:14
Speaker 2: kids will can kind of relate to the fact that
46:16
Speaker 2: when they're doing their own thing that they choose, they
46:19
Speaker 2: pour their hearts and souls into it. One of my
46:22
Speaker 2: sons was he got good grades, but he was not
46:24
Speaker 2: trying in school because it was easy for him. He
46:26
Speaker 2: was kind of boring. He was also one of those
46:29
Speaker 2: really independent minded. He was a colleaguey kid as a baby,
46:34
Speaker 2: so we did not see hard work and all that
46:36
Speaker 2: with his schoolwork. And if he had, if he had
46:39
Speaker 2: worked harder and applied himself more, he could have gotten
46:42
Speaker 2: a plus's instead of at the a's he got. He
46:44
Speaker 2: didn't care. But what we did see and where we
46:48
Speaker 2: saw him being engaged was in things like his sports
46:52
Speaker 2: and also like he learned how to play guitar on
46:54
Speaker 2: his own. Starting in early high school, he decided he
46:58
Speaker 2: wanted to play. My wife had played someone she was younger.
47:01
Speaker 2: I had taken some lessons around that time, and so
47:04
Speaker 2: he sat down to the computer, pulled up tabs, pulled
47:07
Speaker 2: up free music, and he taught himself how to play,
47:10
Speaker 2: never had one lesson, and he would spend hours doing it.
47:15
Speaker 2: When you see kids spending hours doing something that they'd
47:17
Speaker 2: love to do that they pick, I think that translates
47:20
Speaker 2: to anything in life. I always knew he would be
47:24
Speaker 2: successful because of that. I didn't see with the schoolwork,
47:28
Speaker 2: and some of you may not ever see that with
47:30
Speaker 2: some of your kids' schoolwork, but you'll see it in
47:32
Speaker 2: something else. You might see the music or theater. You
47:36
Speaker 2: might see it when kids who write stories. You'll see
47:39
Speaker 2: it at someplace. So just remind yourself that that is
47:42
Speaker 2: a sign that my kid knows how to get it done.
47:46
Speaker 2: A couple more labels. This is getting a little bit
47:48
Speaker 2: too long. Sorry about that. Sometimes kids are label as
47:54
Speaker 2: being angry. They're angry kids, And what I have found
47:59
Speaker 2: is I work with those girls in my offices. They're
48:02
Speaker 2: not angry kids. They do get out of control, sometimes
48:07
Speaker 2: they throw tantrums. Oftentimes, almost always, there's a reason behind it.
48:13
Speaker 2: Anger oftentimes is a sign that someone doesn't feel heard,
48:20
Speaker 2: they don't feel understood, they feel like there's an injustice
48:24
Speaker 2: being done. There's a need to set a boundary or
48:28
Speaker 2: take some kind of an action. That's usually what anger
48:31
Speaker 2: means in the kids I see, or in myself or
48:33
Speaker 2: anybody else I know, that's a sign for that. It's
48:37
Speaker 2: also a sign that some kids never learned how to
48:40
Speaker 2: regulate themselves. There's some babies born who come out of
48:45
Speaker 2: the room sucking their fingers and they sleep through the
48:47
Speaker 2: night fast, and they're just easy babies, quote unquote. Other kids,
48:51
Speaker 2: it takes them longer to learn how to regulate themselves.
48:55
Speaker 2: All of them need to do it. And if they
48:56
Speaker 2: don't do it, if we do it for them their
48:58
Speaker 2: whole lives, then they become teenagers who don't know how
49:01
Speaker 2: to get themselves under control. It's a skill to learn
49:04
Speaker 2: to catch yourself when you're disregulated, to pull yourself away,
49:08
Speaker 2: regulate yourself, and then your pre federal cortex kicks in
49:15
Speaker 2: and then you can do something that's more reasonable. So
49:19
Speaker 2: a lot of times kids who are tantruming, they're out
49:22
Speaker 2: of control, they're explosive, all those kinds of things. Sometimes
49:24
Speaker 2: it's just a sign that they're on sensory overload, they
49:27
Speaker 2: need a break, or that they need to be heard,
49:31
Speaker 2: or that they just need to take a break and
49:33
Speaker 2: regulate themselves. They're not an angry kid, they just get
49:36
Speaker 2: disregulated and they need to learn how to catch themselves.
49:43
Speaker 2: Two more quick ones. One of them is kids who
49:45
Speaker 2: are labeled as being socially awkward. What goes along with
49:49
Speaker 2: that sometimes is kids who label themselves as being insecure,
49:52
Speaker 2: self conscious. And I hear a lot of kids today
49:56
Speaker 2: talking about feeling socially awkward. I think it really went
50:01
Speaker 2: up after COVID, when they couldn't relate very well with
50:05
Speaker 2: each other because they were not together, they weren't in
50:07
Speaker 2: school and all that. Right, I see kids who have
50:11
Speaker 2: labeled themselves or they've been labeled as being socially awkward
50:14
Speaker 2: and secure, self conscious, those kinds of things, right, I
50:18
Speaker 2: oftentimes find it They're just a normal middle school girl
50:22
Speaker 2: struggling with all the changes that come about in that
50:25
Speaker 2: age puberty, bodies changing, interest changing, friendships oftentimes change in
50:32
Speaker 2: middle school, high school, the relationship with their parents changes,
50:36
Speaker 2: a lot of things going on transitions from grade school
50:39
Speaker 2: to middle school, middle school to high school. They may
50:42
Speaker 2: have been hurt by friends in the past. They may
50:45
Speaker 2: have been left out, excluded, made fun of, and the
50:48
Speaker 2: objects of people saying things online about them, and because
50:53
Speaker 2: of that they they back off and they have a
50:56
Speaker 2: harder time kind of coming forward in social situations because
50:59
Speaker 2: they're so being hurt again. Oftentimes they would rather go
51:03
Speaker 2: through the hallways invisible and not be noticed because then
51:07
Speaker 2: they don't get hurt. They also don't relate and connect,
51:10
Speaker 2: but it protects them in a way. We oftentimes it's
51:16
Speaker 2: just sort of it comes with the age in the stage.
51:19
Speaker 2: It's okay to have a lot of uncertainties when you're
51:22
Speaker 2: going through transitional ages like middle school, like going from
51:27
Speaker 2: from high school to college. I see so many girls
51:29
Speaker 2: who that first semester feel socially awkward, they feel insecure,
51:34
Speaker 2: They have a lot of uncertainty and some anxiety. They
51:38
Speaker 2: don't have a disorder if they're just going through a
51:40
Speaker 2: normal life transition where there's a lot of unrest. That's
51:44
Speaker 2: a normal thing. I've talked about touch points before in
51:46
Speaker 2: these podcasts. So I hate that label because I think
51:51
Speaker 2: what just means is that sometimes in certain situations, I
51:54
Speaker 2: have a harder time stepping up and having a voice
52:00
Speaker 2: learned to do that. They can learn to They can
52:02
Speaker 2: learn to love themselves, they can learn to accept themselves.
52:04
Speaker 2: They can grow into their bodies, they can grow into
52:06
Speaker 2: that next new transitional stage. But labeling yourself as being
52:12
Speaker 2: insecure and socially awkward, I think a lot of times
52:15
Speaker 2: gets in the way of them getting through it. One
52:19
Speaker 2: last one, girls I've seen who have labeled themselves as
52:23
Speaker 2: being ugly, and these are girls who most often spend
52:28
Speaker 2: way too much time comparing themselves to their peers, comparing
52:32
Speaker 2: themselves to people online on social media, models, movie stars,
52:36
Speaker 2: rock stars, but oftentimes it's even just mostly with their peers.
52:43
Speaker 2: I've seen a lot of girls who were the first
52:46
Speaker 2: ones through puberty. They got acne, they got curves, they
52:50
Speaker 2: got breast buds. Boys would hit on them, cat calls,
52:55
Speaker 2: they were grouped in the hallways, and they start to
52:57
Speaker 2: feel like they're ugly because nobody else looked like them,
53:00
Speaker 2: nobody else had acne. They're the tallest one in their class,
53:03
Speaker 2: boys and girls included, and in their mind that meant
53:06
Speaker 2: that they were ugly. I've seen girls too who are
53:10
Speaker 2: high level athletes, gymnasts, especially swimmers, who are muscular. They
53:17
Speaker 2: look at themselves with their big shoulders, their big thighs,
53:19
Speaker 2: and they say, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm fat. I
53:22
Speaker 2: can't fit into any of the cute clothes like my
53:24
Speaker 2: friends therefore I'm ugly when what they really are is
53:28
Speaker 2: they're a high level athletes who's muscular. Oftentimes, tell them
53:33
Speaker 2: think about the gymnasts you've seen at the Olympics on TV,
53:38
Speaker 2: or the Olympic swimmers that you've seen on TV competing.
53:42
Speaker 2: Do they look they look Do they look like those
53:44
Speaker 2: little stick that you're friends of yours that you're talking about. Well, no,
53:48
Speaker 2: what do they look like? Well, they're you know, they
53:50
Speaker 2: have they're you know, they're pretty muscular, Like they have
53:53
Speaker 2: little tiny, little skinny thighs. Well, no, they're big muscular,
53:56
Speaker 2: they have broader shoulders. You're right, because they need that
53:59
Speaker 2: to just swim strongly. It's a functional thing. But they
54:06
Speaker 2: need to reframe that in their minds otherwise they do
54:08
Speaker 2: think that they're fat ugly. We also need to remind
54:13
Speaker 2: them that they need some more social media literacy. Might
54:16
Speaker 2: remind themselves that those aren't real photographs. Nine to nine
54:21
Speaker 2: percent of the time those have been photoshopped, changed, altered.
54:27
Speaker 2: It's somebody's best picture. If you're trying to figure out them,
54:32
Speaker 2: okay by looking at other people online in your classroom,
54:35
Speaker 2: then you're screwed because you always find somebody who in
54:38
Speaker 2: your mind, is prettier, better looking, more attractive, whatever. So
54:45
Speaker 2: that's a big one. I think a lot of girls,
54:47
Speaker 2: as they start to change and during puberty, start to
54:49
Speaker 2: wonder about themselves, have a hard time looking in the mirror.
54:54
Speaker 2: We do that a lot of camp, talking about body
54:56
Speaker 2: image and just how they feel when they look in
54:58
Speaker 2: the mirror. If their conclusion is I'm ugly, then that
55:02
Speaker 2: needs to be reframed. Obviously, that label is never true.
55:06
Speaker 2: So I think we need to be less quick to
55:09
Speaker 2: judge kids' behaviors negatively and to slap a label or
55:13
Speaker 2: a diagnosis on them. I think that our culture does
55:18
Speaker 2: that way too often and way too quickly, and I
55:21
Speaker 2: think it's a detriment to kids for the above reasons.
55:27
Speaker 2: I saw a girl in my office several months ago
55:30
Speaker 2: who has several diagnoses. She's on three meds, and her
55:34
Speaker 2: mom is always looking for what's next, what's the next calamity,
55:38
Speaker 2: what's the next diagnosis. So if this girl has normal
55:41
Speaker 2: symptoms of anything, she said she started feeling a little
55:45
Speaker 2: uncomfortable in her skin, which she got anxious before tests,
55:49
Speaker 2: before competitions and things, and so her mom was like,
55:51
Speaker 2: oh my god, she she got made an appointment for
55:53
Speaker 2: her to see a neurologist. What this girl was feeling
55:57
Speaker 2: was some normal symptoms of being stressed, being a little
55:59
Speaker 2: bit anxious. So we need to be less quick to
56:03
Speaker 2: judge instead ask questions like I wonder why my child
56:08
Speaker 2: might be this way, Why might they be acting this way?
56:12
Speaker 2: What's underneath the surface, what might it be telling me
56:15
Speaker 2: about my child's temperament, are about their needs? I'd much
56:20
Speaker 2: rather ask yourselves those questions than slap a label on
56:23
Speaker 2: a kid. And also, what is my child's behavior triggering
56:28
Speaker 2: in me? I talked in a podcast a while back
56:32
Speaker 2: about ghosts in the nursery, things that we experienced growing
56:35
Speaker 2: up that cause emotions, adversities, and things that we never
56:39
Speaker 2: really handled. We stuffed them below the surface, but then
56:42
Speaker 2: they tend to come back, those emotions and those issues
56:45
Speaker 2: and haunt us in our parenting. So like that mom
56:49
Speaker 2: might I mentioned earlier, who never had any friends in
56:52
Speaker 2: middle school and high school, who now is pushing her
56:54
Speaker 2: shy daughter before she's ready to engage in things. That's
56:57
Speaker 2: a ghost in her nursery. So we need to be
57:01
Speaker 2: aware of ourselves and why our kids' behavior is triggering
57:05
Speaker 2: a lot of angst more than meets the eye, like
57:07
Speaker 2: one parent has all been out of shape, the other
57:09
Speaker 2: parents like it's that's that big a deal. Okay, I
57:11
Speaker 2: need to look at myself also, Am I putting too
57:14
Speaker 2: much of my story into my daughter's story. Our kids
57:19
Speaker 2: need to be understood. Their behaviors need to be normalized, validated.
57:24
Speaker 2: A lot of the things I've talked about, they're not defects,
57:27
Speaker 2: they're not crazy. They need awareness, they need to normalize
57:31
Speaker 2: their behaviors, and they need some tools sometimes to deal
57:34
Speaker 2: with some of those things. They need that not a label.
57:39
Speaker 2: This has been a long podcast. I apologize, but once
57:42
Speaker 2: I started putting down likables, I couldn't stop because I
57:45
Speaker 2: see so many of these in my practice. Hope this helps.
57:49
Speaker 2: Hope this helps you to see your daughters in a
57:51
Speaker 2: different way. Hope you can find ways to describe their
57:54
Speaker 2: behavior instead of labeling it, giving them a way to
57:57
Speaker 2: understand themselves in a more positive way, some tools for
58:01
Speaker 2: them to deal with some of the things that they
58:03
Speaker 2: need to deal with, a different way of looking at themselves.
58:06
Speaker 2: That's so helpful. Kids need that so much from us.
58:09
Speaker 2: They need people who see them in their best light.
58:15
Speaker 2: I will put a couple of links from some of
58:18
Speaker 2: those past podcasts, like the Ghosts of the Nursery I
58:21
Speaker 2: mentioned a minute ago in the show notes, so just
58:24
Speaker 2: check those out at my website at d R Tim
58:26
Speaker 2: Jordan dot com. Email me through my wife and a
58:30
Speaker 2: n n E at d R Tim Jordan dot com
58:32
Speaker 2: if you have questions, comments, and our ideas about future podcasts.
58:36
Speaker 2: I'm always open to those. I will be back here
58:39
Speaker 2: in a week with a brand new topic. Thank you
58:42
Speaker 2: so much for listening, and I'm sorry this was so long,
58:44
Speaker 2: but I want to get to as many labels as
58:47
Speaker 2: I could to make sure you would resonate with some
58:48
Speaker 2: of them. I'll be back here in a week with
58:51
Speaker 2: a brand new topic. I will see you then, and
58:53
Speaker 2: thank you as always for stopping buying.
59:02
Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Raising Daughters.
59:06
Speaker 1: Hopefully you've learned something useful about girls and young women
59:09
Speaker 1: and how to help them navigate the pressures, challenges and
59:12
Speaker 1: opportunities of modern life. If you want to become a
59:15
Speaker 1: more effective parent, keep listening to the show at doctor
59:18
Speaker 1: Tim Jordan dot com and let the conversations shape you
59:22
Speaker 1: build that one of a kind connection with your daughters
59:24
Speaker 1: In the most profound and meaningful ways possible, shaping them
59:27
Speaker 1: into strong, confident women of the future. That's all for now,
59:31
Speaker 1: See you next week for another episode of Raising Daughters.