Latest / How Hard Can It Be? with Diana Maria Riva / Lynn Ferguson on Radical Acceptance, Teachable Moments and 50 Words a Day

Transcript

Lynn Ferguson on Radical Acceptance, Teachable Moments and 50 Words a Day · How Hard Can It Be? with Diana Maria Riva

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: This episode brought me so much joy and laughter talking
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: about all things of radical acceptance fifty words a day
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: and apparently anyone can grow sharp. Seriously, how hard can
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: it be? Welcome to How Hard can it be? A
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: podcast for gen X women navigating midlife's most fantastic bullshit.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, Diana Maria Riva, and today's guest is
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: an absolute treat to have joining me. Originally from Glasgow, Scotland,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: her career started with a bachelor's degree from the Royal
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: Conservatoire of Scotland. Does not sound very Scottish, but we'll
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: go with it. A playwright and a TV writer for
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: the BBC until getting married and having children and moving
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: to la And Though she has a range of acting
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: credits that followed her from Scotland, she will always be
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: known as the hilariously delightful Scottish Chicken Mac from the
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: DreamWorks hit movie Chicken Run. My Scottish friend Lynn.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Ferguson made me sound really impressive.
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: I was like, I'd like to meet her. She sounds adorable,
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: That's right, and she is.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: I am so glad you're here.
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: I'm thrilled.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: Am I your only Scottish friend?
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Though you are my only Scottish.
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: I'm not that you need to sort of that.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I don't know. The bar s quite high, oh bless Yeah,
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: But I.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: Think you would like Scotland, and I think Scotland would
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: like you.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: I you know, believe it or not. I've had dreams,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: recurring dreams of me in a location that I'm going
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: to believe in Scotland. So I think maybe like in
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: a past live been Scottish.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: Oh, Scottish people would love you. You'd be really oh my god,
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: totally yeah, because you're like straight talking, because you've got
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: the like the lovely hair and everything, because you're friendly
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: and you see things. Oh no, you'd go down well
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: in Scotland.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: I can be blunt. They don't they like it.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: Oh, they absolutely like it. In fact, if they love
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: you in Scotland, they insult you.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: It totally sounds very very compadre love that I do.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: That is on my bucket list. I've never been. I've
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: only ever been actually to Europe one twice to the
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: same place I know, And we're going to talk about that.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: Waiting very late in life to do those kinds of
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: you know, magical things like travel.
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, where did you go? And Europe.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: Barcelona.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Oh you see, I haven't been to Barcelona. You have.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: It's amazing you can judge me what I've been to
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: one place.
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but I.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: Lived quite close to it for quite a way.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: Judge very small.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: Right, So it's a little bit like me saying if
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: you said to me, I've never been to Utah, I'd
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: be like, you haven't, right, it's a little bit.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, you're right. But you know what, waiting for
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: all those things to happen is part of my hang
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: up of this midlife chapter. So I want to ask you,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: little icebreaker, did you have an oh shit is this
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: midlife moment? And tell me what.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: I still Because I don't know about you, I expect
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: it's the same in the inside. I'm probably only about
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: thirty two. Thirty two, yeah, right about thirty two. But
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: in the outside it's not that same thing. Right, So,
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: like I hadn't really thought about it. I had kids
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: really late. I had my first one at thirty seven,
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: my second one at forty two, right, Okay, so I
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: just always felt like their mother. But I was selling
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: brownies with my son right at his middle school. It
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: was his middle school event, and it was me and
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: my son selling brownies and this kid came up to me,
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: and this little girl came up to me and she said, so,
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: whose grandma?
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: Are you?
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: Middle school? Yeah?
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I thought it was a teachable moment for her,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: so I said to her, has no one told you?
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: And she was like what? And I said, I'm yours.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that old teacher. She'll never do that again. She'll
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: not talk to people that way. But it did make
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: me feel like, poor girl. No, Like I wouldn't want
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: my kids to want and say to someone like, whose
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: grandpa are you? You're like, keep your opinions to yourself.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: Just buy a brownie, shut your face, right, that would
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: be the deal. She literally changed color and left. It
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: was like, I feel my task today. But it was
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: that thing of suddenly going oh, like, because when kids
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: view you as an older person, then you're an older
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: person no matter.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: What you say.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: You are in your heads like everything, No matter what
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: you say in your head, you are. If a child
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: looks at you and says you're this, and you probably
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: are that sucks.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: I was watching the news and they were they were
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: down on the beach because they were having this open
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: casting call for the reboot of Baywatch, Right, how old
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: were when we when they watch came out? We were
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: we we were like in our teens, right, yeah, and
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: we were teenagers. It was clearly a mid to late eighties,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: early nineties show. So I'm watching and so they're interviewing
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: these two, you know, very handsome young men, probably about
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: my son's age in the in the early twenties, and
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: they're you know, so, how do you feel about coming
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: out here? And there by the way, they have sweat,
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: the wetsuits on that are just half on, they're all hanging,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: their abs are all at you know, sitting there art carved,
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: and one's name is like, you know, Brock. And I
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: was like, okay, this is so la right now. But
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: this is great. And they're excited and they're very handsome,
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: and they're talking about it, and the one kid says, yeah,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: you know, this was my grandmother's favorite show. And I'm like,
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: who the fuck is he talking about your grandma? I
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: am not a grandmother and we were teenager. You're like what, Like,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I was so offended listening to that. I'm like, grandmother, son,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: don't bring that up to the casting directors because they
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: were probably this was probably their favorite show.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Ohthough, to be fair, she could have just been really
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: groovy grandmother. Like, I remember my mother had really bad athritis, right,
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: really bad athritis, yeah, and her hands were she was
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: like whatever, but god, my god, she loved Ricky Martin.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: Like she loved Ricky.
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: Martin, right.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: And I remember my dad because my dad had this
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: thing that he always said, never trust a man who
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: dies his hair. Right, So when Ricky Martin came on TV,
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: my mother would be like.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: Oh, my god, Robert, look at that. It's Ricky Martin.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: And and my dad would be like, oh, look, he
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: dies his hair. And my mother would say, oh, for
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: God's sake, Robert, nobody's looking at his hair. So maybe
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: she well, do you know, to be fair, Ricky Martin
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: is adorable.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: I just watched him on the Super Bowl halftime and
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: he still looks all sorts of wonderful and handsome. What's
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: your biggest surprise that's happened in this chapter? Like, oh,
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: I never expected this to happen, now, you know what.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: I'm kind of I feel sort of relieved to be older.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: That was the thing that was a surprise, because it
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: just was like I've started to really not give a
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: shit like there's a thing with life where, especially as
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: a young girl, where you're judging yourself all the time
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: on what other people think of you. And there's something
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: that happens as women get older, they get more invisible.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: And I know that people have complained about it, but
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm loving it, like I am digging that
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: you don't care about my opinion.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: Thing Like, I.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: Had this thing with there was a neighbor, you know
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: that thing with when you move into certain areas or whatever,
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: we always move into areas that are looking a bit dodgy.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: We always will like find a lovely house in a
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: place that's a bit dodgy, and then after a couple
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: of years it gets all arty and full of people
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: who are like smarter than.
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: You or whatever.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: There's a guy that moved in this neighbor and he's
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: just an arse. There's no other way of describing it.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: He's one of those guys who gets up in the morning,
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: probably looks in the mirror first thing, and goes, I'm adorable,
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: and then spends the rest of his day being adorable,
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: noticing that all around him people are going like that, right,
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: shut up.
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: So like I went to talk to.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Him about because we garden a lot. And Mark and
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: I were walking by his house and he's got these
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: two tiny, little like kind of raised beds where he
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: grows charred. Like anybody can grow charred, do you know
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: what I mean? We could grow charred in here during
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: this podcast.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: And to have a salad is.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Like the weed of lettuce.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: Right, it's like the easiest. So he grows this chart
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: and we walk by and like, we grow all crazy stuff.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: You've been to my place, right, We've go crazy stuff.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: And we walked by his place and I said, oh,
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: you've got ornamental chart, and he ignored me.
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: And I was like, so it's ornamental, and he ignored me.
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: And he ignored me.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Because I was an old lady, and at the beginning
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: of I was sort of like annoyed. And then as
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: I woke by and I was like, as an old lady,
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: I do not have to make conversations with our souls anymore.
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: I actually have to care about his charred.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: No.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: I can freely walk by his house without him talking
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: to me or me talking to him, and I will
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: be good and he will be good, yeah, because I
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: am invisible to him. Because he feels that there's nothing
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: I can offer him, and that feels like.
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: A great liberation. Yeah, does that make sense?
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: It does make sense. Are you one of those people?
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: Are you comfortable in the silence of an elevator?
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: You know me?
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: I don't even you're asking this for the people who
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: are watching this because you know me that I'm totally
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: not comfortable.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: I'm comfortable. I am because I don't give a shit.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: It's really interesting, So I wanted out. Are you comfortable
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: in the silence of an elevator?
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: It depends. It depends on whether I can also be judgy,
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Like if I can be judgy in the elevator, Like
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: if I can be standing there looking at someone's annoyingly
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: shaped head or their choice and footwear, then I'm totally fine, right.
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: But if it's.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: Somebody who's got stuff going on and I feel like
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: saying hello would be a good thing, then.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: That makes you empathetic and compassionate.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, well pathetic maybe, but whatever.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: I had this really really weird habit when I get
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: into an elevator where I always check the renewal licenses
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: and they are grotesquely out of date, like many of them.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: I hate to give you all a complex about an
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: elevator following, you know, plunging you to your death. But
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: as you can go and look to see if they've
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: had their inspections and they are unbelievably out of date
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: for most.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: I have never noticed that none.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: Am I apologize now for giving you that.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: That is why you and I are going to hang
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: out as old ladies on benches judging everybody like you're
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: out of date things. Yes, I never thought of that.
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: I do do them that too.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I do the judging on the hygiene.
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: And hygiene and restaurants, you know when the yeah.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: Like people, the guests, or the hygiene of the restaurant
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: as well.
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: Jener, you know how they get the scores? You know that, right?
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: And like would you go into a restaurant that had
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: a B, like if it was proud of going like
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: the hygiene here is a B.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: This is what I've heard, and I could be making
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: excuses for some of my most favorite restaurants in the world.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Who got to be is that it could be something
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: like the light bulbs used in the kitchen counters need
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: to be a certain grade and they're not. Now, if
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: it's because of cockroaches, then that's a problem. But how
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: do you know are they going to tell you? So?
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: I have to say, at minimum I will go in
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: there with great concern. But if it's my.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: Way it was a c would you go no? I
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: also do that thing in restaurants. Would I judge them
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: by their bathrooms?
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: Like assumes looking a bit dodgy. I'm like, this is
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: where you're meant to get clean to make the thing
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: for the kitchen.
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: So that's where I do.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: That's a mum. Are you in a place in your
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: life now where you recognize your flaws and or defects?
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: Say what you what you labeled as your own defect?
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Are you in a place where you see the flip
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: side of your defect as an asset as well?
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: I would love to say yes to that because it
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: would make me feel smart, Like I would be like, yes, yes,
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: I totally a you know, I work in stories, so
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: I work with a lot of different people and the
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: amount of people who are crippled by what they feel
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: they've not done. And I'm like, yeah, okay, so you've
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: not done this. You've not earned your million, you've not
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: like whatever, you know, you've not made your mother happy.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: Life is about enlightenment. It is about growth and change
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: and you can only really learn by having been wrong.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: But we have so for me, I guess the part
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: of me. I haven't got to the bit where I
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: don't reflect on what I do. I don't see every
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: part of my I don't see every deficit as an asset,
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: because actually some of my deficits are really just annoying
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: for other people, but they are mine and I can't
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: do anything about them. So the least I can do
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: is be an acceptance of them before I can change
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: them in order to change them.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: And don't you think that's a continuous journey. Oh, totally right, totally,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Like I don't even know. You know, my mother is
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: great at saying that she still has room to learn.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: And you know, Google's probably the worst thing ever invented
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: for somebody who's a senior citizen who's like I can
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: still learn. I've Googled and it says that the best
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: way to watch your shower, you know, is whatever. And
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: I do think that that's the mindset we have to
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: keep having, because I think I can get very I
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: don't know, Like I did a photo shoot the other day.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I don't like photo shoots. I have three looks on
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: my face, and I like, how I look. This isn't
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: about me not having self confidence. But then when the
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: pictures come in and I don't like all of them,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: and I start to tear myself apart, and it's just like,
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: that's something that I'm still working on. I don't think
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: it's a lack of self love. I love myself and
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: I love the way my face looks, but that's not
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: what it looks like in this picture. But when I
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: go then down the drain even further and start to say,
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: I look like this, I look like a that I've got.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: I call this Helen. This this thing right here that
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: flaps in I'm like, I don't know what the fuck
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: this is. It's falling at you know, break next speed,
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: and I call it. I started. I said to the photographer,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm gonna call this Helen. So when I
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: say fix Helen, you know what I'm fucking talking about.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: So when I go like this, I don't I don't
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: like it, just fix it. Just like go like this
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: because I'm not gonna, you know, do any and I
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: wish I'll make fun of it so I don't hear
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: myself tearing myself apart over it, and I just I'm better,
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: but I'm not there yet.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: But what is your expectation that you should look like?
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: And as that thing about how others would see us?
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, and I think that is you know, if
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: we had been raised during the era of Instagram and
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: all the social media where it's a constant comparing contrast,
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I don't know how I would have gotten through it.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: I mean I was. I tore myself up, you know,
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: just all the insecurities that you have when you're young
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: and you stand out for ways that you don't really
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: want to stand out, you know, And now it's this
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: competition that our people in general, I won't even say
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: our young people, we face it just seeing what's out there.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: Like I made this comparison that Jennifer Lopez is. We're
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: the exact same age, and her birthday's two days after mine.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: So every year at her birthday when the world is
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: announcing look at Jennifer Lopez at forty, look at Jennifer
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: Lopez at fifty, I'm naturally comparing and contrasting what she
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: looks like being two days younger than me. And I
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: was like, I got to stop doing this. So I
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: started making it a joke because like, I know, I
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: know what she looks like. She looks great. But it's
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: a continuous journey and I don't know the only thing
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: that I've discovered is to acknowledge that I'm still on it,
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: on that journey of you know, acknowledging that I have
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: defects and that I need to be nicer to myself.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: I want to touch on your storytelling. You are a
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: master storyteller and it comes by way of writing a
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: performance and you work with people. Now I'm damnplaying the
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: how this really is? So I want you to explain
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: to me and can you explain a little bit about
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: your storytelling, writing exercises or therapy for lack of a
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: bitter word, that you do with people people? Yeah, it's
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: it's to do it.
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: It all comes to so the history of it, right
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: is A trained as an actor at the Conservatoire totally
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: wasn't called the Conservatoire when I was there though, it
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: was the Royal Scottish Academy.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: That sounds much more SPONSI totally.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: Like French, like the French language is not for Scottish people,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I spent my teenage years
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: going Jim Apel.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: You know, did anybody revolt with that?
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: Well, I think that people in Glasgow would have been
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: silently resenting them, but nobody said because it'd be.
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: Like things that you could ridicule.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: So I trained there and then I and when you're
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: working in acting, as you know, your job is to
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: take a script and look at the motivation of the character.
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: Right, so you're in essence.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: The motivation is building the story of why the character
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: would see what they say. Then with writing, when I
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: moved into writing, writing is the construct. So then you're
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: looking and you're going, Okay, I want this character to
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: do that. How would I show it? So then you
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: you choose words that would take.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: A character through a story.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: And so having worked I worked with the Moth for
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: a while and then somebody at the Moth said, you know,
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: you really should work with storytellers. You should teach story.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: So then I started taking people in to do this
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: class where they would do four three hour sessions with me,
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: and then on the fifth session they would tell a
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: story about themselves with known notes or cheat sheets to
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: an audience. Right, and it will be people like there
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: was like soldiers. It was like you know, lawyers, there
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: was bankers. It was like anything that's the story is
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: not performing. Story is the communication of what you have
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: seen and what you know to the people who have
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: no seen and know what you know, right, Like everybody
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: has value apart from billionaires probably, but you know, like
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: everybody has value. And when we pass on our own
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: unique perspective, then other people learn from it. So now
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: I guess from then as I learned that everybody's got
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: a story going on in their head that they think
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: everybody else can hear, and nobody else can hear it,
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: right yeah, and that there are exercises that you can
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: do to hear that story. I'm actually thinking right now,
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: it's probably too long, but we could do it with
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: you right now. I could do a minute story with you.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: I can tell you what, but I need a piece
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: of paper and a pen and.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: It lead's do this little exercise.
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: So what happens is you're going to tell me something
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: and I'm going to make notes while you're doing it,
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: and then I will tell you what I've learned about
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: you from what you tell me.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: Oh right, And it'll be.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: Tricky because I know a lot about you, so I'll
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: have to know everything I could fail.
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: It could fail. Okay, okay, So.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: One minute, tell me the story of your name, goop.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: My name was I was born. I was due July
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: twenty first, nineteen sixty nine, which was topposed to be
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: the day the first man landed on the moon. So
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: my mother looked up Diana, which means goddess of the moon,
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: and I was actually born on July twenty second. Nevertheless,
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: the man London and has did.
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: My name keep going?
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: And I am a moonchild, I am cancer rising and
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: I feel a connection to it. And I had along.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: I had a heart difficult time being born and raised
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: in Cincinnati, Ohio, with Spanish being my first language, spending
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: all my summers, every summer in the Dominican re probably
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: with people calling me Diana, and it's Diana spelled Diana
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: but pronounced Dianna, And so to get them to pronounce
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: it more that way, I started spelling my name d
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: Ea a an a, so people would say Diana versus Diana,
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: because that was the closest thing awesome.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Right, So, your your name is how you see yourself,
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: right like, it's how you see yourself, very cherished by
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: your mother. Your prime relationship is you. And oh and
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: also you can totally disagree with me if this isn't.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: I wish she's wearing her clip flaps in my show,
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: but I never got.
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: It because the thing in narrative and this work is
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: it's not good or bad, it's only clear or unclear.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: So you're trying to find out the truth of someone's
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: story rather than you know, like make it into a
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: pretty story.
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: Yours is pretty anyway.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: So yeah, primary relationship you and your mother, very strong connection, right,
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: And and it's also to do with it's to do
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: with the timings of when you what you tell it
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: the time right, So what you told me at the
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: beginning you were doing the twenty first of July with
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: the first man in the moon, right, the fact that
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: you tell me that and you arrived late. You've got
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: a thing as well where you'll never get anything done perfectly.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: No matter what you try in your life, you're never
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: perfect at it. That's what you want me to know.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: That you'll do it and it'll be lovely, but it's
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: probably not going to be perfect, right, will not be
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: exactly as it was planned to be. Prime relationship with
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: your mother, spirituality really important. You are think of bigger things.
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: That's all the cancer rising, and then we get into
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: stuff that's it was really hard. Growing up in the
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: Ohio was really hard. And that's probably not for a
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: podcast situation, but this not being understood, not really being included,
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: having to adapt yourself in order to be accepted in
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: an environment that you knew that you probably really didn't
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: belong in.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: Does that make There are a lot of things that resonate.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: I'm a pretty positive person, so I'm not sure if
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: those experiences made life difficult, but they were. I'm such
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: a fighter that I weathered those storms more so than
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: I realized. So I had hair that I couldn't figure
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: out and it was like this, but I didn't know that.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: So when everybody was feathering their hair back then, I
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: tried and it was this big, and so I was
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: ridiculed a lot. And so that made me very insecure
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: at a very young age that I didn't look like
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: the girls in my neighborhood, and so that when I
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: would go spend my summers in the dr I suddenly
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: felt gorgeous because I looked more so like everybody else.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Nobody was making purposely making my life bad. But that's
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: where my insecurities as a child one when I would
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: get ridiculed from my hair. Now I get stopped on
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: the daily and and told how beautiful my hair is.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: Now at midlife, when I lose my hair, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: stay here. And my mother and I are absolutely close.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: I do think there's something that resonates really big with
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: I won't get it done perfectly. What happens is that
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: I won't handle it perfectly when it doesn't. If I
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: put a lot of investment in something and it doesn't
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: turn out to reflect the amount of investment that I
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: put into it, I do not handle that well. Like
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: I get very angry that someone or something didn't come
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: in and meet me with the investment that I may But.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: Right, if we are, each of us individuals in the
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: world each year to pass on a story to other people,
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: then that's why it's clear and unclear and not good
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: or bad. Is actually the information that other people need
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: from you as this thing of I don't get things
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: done perfectly, and then I get mad at it. And
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: also what I now love I used to find really difficult. Right,
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: all the things of the reason I love story and
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: the reason I love people talking about story is I
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: think that that is your wealth. It's also the reason
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: are ridicule billionaires because I'm like, oh, what, like you
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: bought something else?
• 25:19
  Speaker 3: Who cares?
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: Like what have you done in the time that you're here?
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: And like the information of of being Like often the
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: inside of people's heads they hold this story like the
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: thing that you said about being a survivor because of it,
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: right that you're not a negative person, Like keeping it
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: in your head and not communicating what like what you.
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: Know makes makes separation more more pronounced.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: Again, I'm trying to get round this way without getting
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: round this way.
• 25:54
  Speaker 3: But like if I tell you right, So, I've got.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: A client, and she is Mary Tyler Moore. The inside
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: of her head is a bit how adorable things are
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: and how to make things wonderful, and that's what's in
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: her sound. We all have our own individual sound, right,
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: And her son is Hamlet, and he just is He
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: wants to think about the difficulties of life and his existence.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: And for a long time they had a really contentious
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: relationship because.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: Mary Tyler Moore versus Hamlet.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: The story should it be like if you put Hamlet
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: in a Mary Tyler Moory episode wouldn't go so well. Equally,
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: if you're in the you know, the Prince of Denmark, right, like,
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: worrying about your existence and you bring Mary Tyler mooor
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: in and her neighbors and all that.
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: But like, this story's ruined.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: But we wonder about with our histories inside our head,
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: not realizing how much they kind of dominate what we do.
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: And this work is about allowing people to hear it.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Like I think this thing about recognizing in yourself that
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: you're never like things don't ever go exactly as planned
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: when it's like it really matters that then you then
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: get to a place of acceptance with it, right then'
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: when it comes you go, oh, it's another one of
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: those things.
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like that thing. Does that make sense?
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: That does? And that's when you talked about radical acceptance
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: being liberating and you just said that to me. I
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: just took a big sigh because you can. I can
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: feel in that moment that if I just greeted it
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: more with oh, it's another one of those things, right,
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: that radical acceptance of it's just another one of those
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: things just makes life feel a little less heavy.
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: It's a talent. Yeah, it's another one of those things.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: I'm really good at this.
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm really good at having this stuff.
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: The thing with talking about your hair and you know
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: your past, it's what I mean about story is a
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: person's wealth, not their burden, right as that often people,
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: when people don't know there's story, they'll live in a
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: moment that lasted, that didn't last very long, that is
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: years ago, and they judge themselves from that moment, right Like.
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: It's the place that they.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: Go to when something bad happens, is they go into
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: this place that's from the past. But if you get
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: recognition that that is part of your timeline, then it
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: means that you can meet it with a sort of familiarity.
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: We've got.
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: Oh, the pain I feel right now is not really
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: about right now. Yeah, the pain I feel right now
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: is a recollection of that really bad.
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: Experience I had right Yeah.
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: It's like this concept that you can only really be
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: afraid of something that's already happened, That the sorrow or
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: terror that you feel is usually connected to a terror
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: that's happened before.
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: This is true. You know what I love on that
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: is one of the things we heard long ago. If
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: it's hysterical, it's historical.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: For sure, and that happens for everybody. It's like common,
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: it's having fingernails.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Let me ask you something really quick to close this
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: out on this storytelling work. If you were to give
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: us a quick abbreviated thing like we a lot of
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: us journal, a lot of us write our mantras, a
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: lot of us you know, diary whatnot, And there's something
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: different about stort What do you call a narrative? Yeah, yeah,
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: and sorry. If you were to give us a little
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: exercise that we can take with us, that's a different
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: kind of writing that's not necessarily journaling whatever. What would
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: be a quick easy thing to maybe not resolve all
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: your problems, but maybe to just, you know, bring light
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: to something that you're stumbling.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: I think with story and with writing a really good
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: way to move across.
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: Like most people when they write, they.
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: Still write trying to please their third grade teacher. So
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: like when they write, then they'll get all worked up
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: a bit sentences or whether anybody should read it, and
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: how embarrassing.
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: It would be.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: Okay, right, yeah.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: So I think if you write in terms of number,
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: so if you don't really write, but you write fifty
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: words a day, right in a journal, and you don't
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: about what you.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: Feel, what you're feeling just in that day at that moment, or.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: What you're thinking or what's happening. Fifty words, not for ending,
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: just fifty words, and your job is to write fifty.
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: Not forty nine fifty.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: And once you've written fifty, you can write more if
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: you want to. But then you end it. You don't
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: get your head in a crazy about it, and you
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: don't look at any of it. For if it's fifty
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: words two weeks, So you write fifty words a day
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: for two weeks, right, and then you look at it
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: after two weeks. You don't sneak back at the fifty
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: words that you did yesterday of your just keep moving forward,
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: keep moving, and then at the end of two weeks
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: you'll have started talking to yourself, like what you think
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: or what the rhythm is is what the pattern of
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: you will come will be communicated. You'll stop interrupting it.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: Like people really do want to understand themselves, but they're
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: being bombarded all the time. You should do this, you
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: should fix this, or you're doing well enough, Like think
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: how many times during a twenty four hour period does
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: the average person hear how they could be doing life better.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: Oh I don't even I shudder to think right on everything.
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: So like the fifty words a day is you will
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: give you over two weeks, will give you enough time
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: to then let your head tell you what's going on.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: Do you read it at the end of the two weeks?
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, for sure, because what you'll hear at the
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: end of two weeks is this is a repeated pattern.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: That would be very eye opening. If you just open,
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: put pen to paper, fifty words and what you're going
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: to write about is whatever's on your mind in that moment.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: It will be very interesting at the end of two
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: weeks to read it all and see what the emerging
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: through line. There's your work.
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: There's your work, because what you'll find out is your
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: adorable but you're kind of you're circling on something.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: This is so beautiful. I love ending it this way.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: I'll take this by the way, and I want to
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: close this out now on you opening the floor with
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: a question back to everybody listening in my favorite little
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: closer asking is it just me or is anyone else? Blank?
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: Right, So there's a little I've thought about this a
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: little bit.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, it's about.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: Driving because you know me, right, you know me. And
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: I'm a little funny about driving. So often I am
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: in the passenger seat and in the when you're in
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: the passenger seat and you stop at traffic lights and
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: the guy in the car next to you has his
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: hand out the window, do you ever want to just
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: pull his finger? Like that's my thing. I just whenever
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: we stop and sometimes I have to sit in my hands,
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I just don't pull his finger, don't polase finger,
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: because I don't really understand why people do that.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: I'm like, why do they put their hands out of
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: the car.
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: Why did you drive with your hand out the window?
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: You like, I've got two limbs or four limbs. I've
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: got two arms. Look at me with my two arms
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: and ten digits, like what is the point of it?
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: And so when they do it, I just have this
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: thing like maybe I should just pull his finger because
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: because I did this once, right, Like it's a bad No,
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: I didn't pull a finger, but there was.
• 33:28
  Speaker 3: I used to fly a lot four.
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: Kids, and now I was I hated this thing on
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: airplanes where people would put their hair over the back
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: of the hell so and then and then they do
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: the hair and at one point somebody did the thing
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: where they had their arm over the back of the
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: seat like that. I did pull that finger. They never
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: did that again, never did that again. Arms, hair all over,
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: they were like everything was in.
• 33:58
  Speaker 3: Their seat straight.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: Oh my god. That Or when they put their feet
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: in the between the window and the seat in front
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: of them. You pull your pull the tool, pull the
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: town the top horn.
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: It could draw fish, you could draw.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: Oh my god. Okay, you know, simple but yet questions
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: that keep us up at night, right, Yes, I love
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: you with all my heart? How hard can it be?
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: With the animade Ariba is a hyphen media group production
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: in partnership with Iheart'smichael Tura podcast network. For more of
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: your favorite shows, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts.