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Hummingbird to Hawk; "Results" Driven or Relational Driven · Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)

• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Murders to Music podcast.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My name is Aaron, I'm your host and thank you guys so much for coming back for another week.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: So I want to talk a little bit about us and how we relate in life and what drives us and the different styles of life that we live.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: But to do this, I want to back way up to 2015,.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: 2016 ish, and stick with me, because there's going to be a point in this that I think everybody can relate to.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: So let's say 2016,.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: My wife and I are on a motorcycle ride.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: We ride from the Pacific Northwest all the way up into Canada, across the country, and we end up at Mount Rushmore.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: We pull into Mount Rushmore at about four in the afternoon five in the afternoon and the clouds are setting in.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: So if you've never been there, it's faces of the presidents carved into the mountain here in America and a couple of presidents like four of them, I think.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: But when we arrived there, the clouds are setting down, so we can't quite see all the president's heads, and that's really what you go to Mount Rushmore for.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: So the next best looking thing around was this BMW motorcycle sitting in the middle of the parking lot there at Mount Rushmore and I walked up to it and I'm in awe.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: It is beautiful.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: It's a BMW adventure bike.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: It's got all the bags, all the Velcro, all the canvas that you can imagine, extra lights.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: It just looks sexy Silver, black, gray, different color of black, nice tires.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: It's sitting there and it's absolutely a work of art.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: It's gorgeous.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: So as I stand there in Gawk with my wife a few feet away from me we've both been riding a long time, we're kind of stretching our legs.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I'm staring at this bike and this tiny little woman comes walking over and she's like hey, here's the key, can we take it for a spin?
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: And she kind of laughs and I'm like oh man, I love your bike.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: So we get to talking to this lady and she's obviously ridden in also from somewhere else.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: And as we're talking to her, um, I noticed that you know, can remember, at this time I'm a cop, right.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: So I am a cop and I am attention to detail and I'm watching people's hands all the time and I'm just in that hyper vigilant state.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I'm probably stuck in a free state at this point.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: And as I'm talking to her, I notice that she's got a law enforcement rubber bracelet on black with a blue striper on the middle.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: And in conversation I'm like hey, are you a cop?
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: She's like, no, not a cop.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, oh well, I am too.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: She says, but where I come from, we don't talk about being a police officer because people don't like them.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: She said I'm a motor officer with the Los Angeles Police Department.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: So now I'm like man, you have mixed my two best worlds, motorcycles and police work.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: Holy cow, you're like an angel.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: So we get to talking to her and we end up hanging out with her that night, I think.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: We ride around and the next day maybe we go see the Mount Rushmore together when the clouds lift.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: We exchange phone numbers and kind of move on with life.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: Well, a few weeks later she's on a very long motorcycle ride around the United States.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Well, she shows back up at my house, she calls, she shows up at my house and she spends the night at our place, which was kind of cool.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: We got to reconnect with her and she became fast became one of our very dear friends.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: So she goes back home to California and about a year later she and her motorcycle partner at work both retired about the same time and they wanted to take a motorcycle trip and they invited me to go along with them, which I was super excited, but I gotta be honest, I was, I felt like inferior.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: I mean, these two people are amazing motorcycle riders and they do it all day long.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: They're so much better than me and I am the guy coming in, you know, going to be that third wheel.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: But I'm like you know what?
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: It's a great opportunity.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: So I took that opportunity and I jumped into the pack with them.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: So now it's time to plan this trip.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: And as I'm planning the trip, she and I are talking and the third guy his name is Alan and as Alan, I noticed he's not really responding to these emails and he's not.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: He's not responding, he's not connecting, and I'm like who is this dude?
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm asking let's find out about hotels, let's find out about where we're going, what route are we taking, what's our destination?
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: When are we going to get there?
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: When are we coming home?
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: And every time I'm asking these questions, this Alan guy, like every 10 emails, he'll be like yes, no, and that's it.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: So I'm really put off by Alan, before he even shows up on this trip.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: You know, at this time in my life.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: I am go, go, go.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I am a hundred miles an hour all the time I'm working hard.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I've got a caseload as long as my arm probably got five or six homicides pending right now that I'm working.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: I got 20 or 30 felony child abuse cases.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: I've got a bunch of other cases that I can't ever touch or can't even look into them.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: I'm working from morning, noon and night.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: My days are averaging 12 to 14 hours and I finally get to take this break.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: So I am going very, very fast.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Well, in that world you have to have schedules and you have to have timing and things matter and if you're not there on time, then you can die, people can die.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: If you don't make your appointment with the federal judge, then it doesn't get signed and things don't get done.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: So structure and order is a part of my life and this guy's a cop.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: He should have structure and order in his life, but instead I feel like I'm talking to Harvey Milktoast that can't respond to an email and it's frustrating me.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Then they show up.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: So they show up at my house, two motorcycles pull in and he gets off the motorcycle and stretches and in his deep voice he extends his hand and says hello to me and you know, I'm going to describe him he's a handsome.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know how old he is at the time, 50 something, whatever he was and uh, short, uh light skinned, black male and got that deep, sexy voice.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: And uh, you know, and he's like hey, and he's moving slow and I'm like, oh, my gosh, he's moving, just like his emails.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, so whatever.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: So we all go inside and we hang out around the table.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: Let me go to dinner that night.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: And you know, I've never met this guy before.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: But so we go to dinner and we go to a nice dinner.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: We're sitting out on that patio and I remember, as we're talking, he's like, well, tell me about you.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: I am involved in a lot of cases.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Anything that's sexy comes in is mine.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I get to touch it or at least be involved.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: I do a lot of interviews.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: I interview for other people.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: I manage a caseload of about five or seven homicides, about 20 or 30 felony child abuse cases.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I go, go, go.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: I said I work about 14 hours a day or something.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: So for me this trip is going to be nice, you know, and I'm excited to get out on the road and you know whatever.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: So we go through this whole thing.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: We talk about my family, talk about my kids going at a hundred miles an hour, me going a hundred miles an hour, and uh it, as he sits there and he slowly eats his food and he takes slow bite after slow bite and I'm like inside my head, I'm like this dude is just not.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: He and I are not on the same page.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: So we all go home, we go to bed and we're going to get up and leave about 8.30 in the morning.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: That's our plan.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: And we don't know where we're going except north out of Portland Oregon area.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: So the next morning, at 7.30, I'm up, I'm getting dressed, I'm in my motorcycle gear.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: 8.30 rolls around, I'm sitting at the table, I've got a map in front of me, got a cup of coffee, I'm planning out our route, where we're going, where we're stopping, and he doesn't show up for breakfast and I'm like, hmm, so at 1030, he rolls in wearing his fleece, black Santa pajamas, and he's like hey, let's make breakfast.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: And I'm thinking I'm like Alan, dude, we had to leave, we're supposed to leave two hours ago and it you know like you want to make a.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: Okay, so we make a breakfast and then slowly saunters to get his stuff on and comes back to the table and we're sitting there and he's like, hey, aaron.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: He says you know, before we go on this trip, I want to tell you something.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: He's like you know, a hummingbird.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: He's like you are like a hummingbird.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: You flap your wings really, really fast, you get involved a little bit of everything, accomplishing not everything that you start, and hummingbirds die early.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: They have a short lifespan because their little heart beats a thousand miles an hour.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: They have a short lifespan because their little heart beats a thousand miles an hour.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: He says we don't have room for a hummingbird on this trip.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: He says, however, we have room for a hawk, and a hawk slow approach, slowly into everything, soars in, sees it from a 30,000 foot view and slowly descends upon his target.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: He said Hawks is where we need to be.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: So on this trip, we're either going to not go as a hummingbird or come as a hummingbird, but you're going to return as a Hawk, and that's where we're at.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: So make a choice.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: So I'm like all right, I guess I get to become a Hawk, but you know, who is he to judge me?
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: So he doesn't even know me.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: So we get on this motorcycle trip and as the motorcycle trip progresses, we you know he's, I want to get somewhere.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: And we made it like 300 miles the first day and now we're eating dinner and camping and I'm like Holy buckets, it's going to be this kind of trip and it was really, really for me.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: I wasn't meeting the destinations, I wasn't meeting my goals, I was at a slower pace.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: It was a struggle for me.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: I remember calling my wife and being like man, I just don't know about this trip, maybe I shouldn't have went.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: And then, as day goes to day to day, slowly I start to slow down my lifestyle.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: And we get to Cody Wyoming and they're like, hey, let's just stay an extra couple of days and I'm like, all right, I'm in.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: You know, we got nowhere to be and it was nice, assuming that slower pace.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Why do I tell you all this?
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: I tell you all this because recently I was in a therapy session, and that therapy session we were talking about being bored, specifically in a work environment or a life environment.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: And when we're talking about being bored, my therapist says well, you know, why is it that you're bored, or what does boredom mean to you specifically.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I had to think about it for a second, but I'm like well, if I feel like I'm not getting stuff done, if I feel like I'm not accomplishing goals, if I feel like I'm not able to give my all or stay busy, or if I feel like I don't see the return on my investment, then I get bored and I said well, it's not the same pace as I used to be used to and I'm not looking for that, that same drive and pace, but every day I'm not achieving goals, I'm not achieving tasks, I'm not.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: And as we talk back and forth, we talk.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I said I'm results driven.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: I need results in order for me to succeed and feel accomplished.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: And then, between the two of us, she threw it out there.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: She said well, what if it's a performance thing?
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: And I thought I'm like man, am I?
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Am I results driven or am I performance driven?
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: What is driving my motivation to go a hundred miles an hour?
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: What is driving my motivation to plan this motorcycle trip to the nth degree, literally, where we're going to stop for gas?
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: Why?
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: Because it's performance.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: If I do these things, if I set myself up for success, I can meet these goals, meet these deadlines.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: I can be a rock star.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: I can be a rock star, I can shine.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: I won't be looked down upon and it's a guaranteed way to ensure that people around me will notice me and, as a result of being noticed, of my accomplishments, I will feel successful.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: So for years, I thought I was a results-driven individual.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: It's only recently, as I dissect this period of my life, that I realized that I'm performance driven.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: You listen into this, are you?
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: If you're that guy that's going a hundred miles an hour, are you truly?
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: Or that woman?
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: Are you truly doing it because your results driven, or is it a performance driven?
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: What feeds you?
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Because we all get fed by things psychologically and for me, I always thought it was results I could accomplish for that person, for this person, for that person.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: That's not it.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: It was performance.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I get to perform at a high level and, as a result, people clap when I'm done.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: That is, it's just a different way to look at it.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: It's the opposite of results driven.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: So, as we're having this conversation, we talk about relationally driven people and we talk about how I am performance driven, and there's people in the world that are relationally driven and I, frankly, I've never understood them.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: In order to have a healthier lifestyle and enjoy where I am in life, I need to make that transition from performance to a relationship style of living.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Well, what is a relationally driven person?
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: We've all worked with these people who.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: We go to work, I go to work and I work 100 miles an hour all the time.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: I accomplish three times as much as most of my peers and I feel really good about it and I'm successful of my peers and I feel really good about it and I'm successful.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Then we have that person in the next cubicle.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: They saunter into work, they do what they need to do, they accomplish the high priority tasks, they go home and at the end of the day they get paid the exact same amount that I do.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: These people have lots of irons in the fire.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: They're part of the Rosarian club, they are part of this club and that club and they have bowling night and this and me.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: I don't have those things because I'm at work, work, work, working all the time.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: But these people come in and I judge those people.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: For years, for years I looked at him and thought what an absolute slug.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: I can't believe this guy gets paid the same as I do.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: I'm doing all this.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: I'm not getting noticed for it, nobody cares that I'm doing it, but I'm still doing it.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: And this jack wagon gets paid the exact same thing that I do and he is literally a C plus student, you know.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: And, oh my gosh, the world is so unfair to me.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: So that's been my thought for years and I judge these people.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: Or there's these people that just get along in life and they're happy and they're smiling and you can tell their pace is slower, and these are the people that I did not like working with, because we didn't see eye to eye on how to get things done.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: Then I think about the coworkers that I had that were like me, and I think about the ones that are always checking a box and working around the clock and taking work home with them and go, go, go, go go.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: And I look at their lifestyle.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: All of their lifestyles are sometimes in chaos and their blood pressure is up and they're on medication and they're going, going, going all the time.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Well, why, why do we do this to ourselves?
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: Why did I do this to myself?
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Somewhere inside of me, there was this innate drive to be a performance driven person versus a relationally driven person and if you try to make that switch for me I'm trying to make that switch it's very hard.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: That brings me back to the boredom that I was talking about in life.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: Sometimes at my current job, sometimes in life, I get bored because I don't have those performance goals set for myself.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: There are no performance goals.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: I don't know enough about what I don't have those performance goals set for myself.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: There are no performance goals.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: I don't know enough about what I don't know to set these performance goals for myself.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: In my current role, I just have to live and my job is to build relationships.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: That is, that is literally what I get paid to do.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: But I feel as if I am not achieving goals or accomplishing tasks, or getting something done that maybe nobody else can, or learning something or you know, look at me, look at me, look at me.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: I feel like if I'm not, you know, accomplishing, then I am useless.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I'm not accomplishing my goals, maybe not fulfilling what I think my employer or my family wants of me, and that's not true.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: I lived in such a high pace life for so long that I was running in the red, and I ran in the red for 20 plus years.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Like, imagine taking that engine you have and running it completely in the red for 20 years, never slowing down, never maintaining it, never putting fresh oil in it.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Eventually it's going to break and that's what happened to me.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: But what you learn first you learn best, and what I learned first was to go, go, go, perform, perform, perform, attaboy, attaboy, attaboy and repeat.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: That's what I learned first.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: Now, at 47 years old, I'm trying to reverse the way that I think and I'm trying to slow it down because it's a healthier lifestyle.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: I don't want that shorter lifespan, higher stress, less enjoyable life that performance driven people have Now.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: I want to be more like that C plus student, that relationally driven person that is at peace.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: Alan is a relationally driven person.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: That is the reason that he and I were on opposite ends of the spectrum.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: That's the reason he was not responding to all my hundred emails about the route we're going to take and where we're going to stop for gas, because it doesn't matter to him, life is about the journey.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: To him, it's not about getting there, it's not about getting to the destination, it's about the sites along the way.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: So personally, I need to work on finding that balance between driven performance and relational relationships.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: I need to find the healthy balance between those two and understand and forgive myself and give myself some grace that it's okay to have those slower times in life and it's okay to live at a slower pace and it's okay to feel like your heart is not pounding out of your chest all the time.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: Somebody out there listening to this can relate to what I'm talking about.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: There are people out there who are running like I was.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: There are people out there that's always trying to achieve the next task or get the next attaboy or do something really cool, and then just sit and wait for an attaboy to come into your mailbox or your email and you're like did they notice?
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: Did they notice?
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: Did they notice?
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe they didn't notice.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: Maybe I should talk about it.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: Whatever it is, there's people out there that live that way.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: I'm not the only one.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: I know I'm not.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: I just need to wrap my mind around this relationally driven lifestyle and it's going to be a slow fade and I think that everybody's healthier because of it.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean you're less of a person or it doesn't mean I'm less of a person or I'm less accomplished.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: It literally means that I'm taking care of myself.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: You know, I currently work with a guy who has 45, 47 years in my current industry and he is more relationally driven.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I am more performance driven, but we get along.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: So we'll be getting ready to go to a meeting and you know the meeting's at 11 AM and it's 10 40 and the meeting is 18 minutes away and we leave out the door and uh, I'm like, yeah, I'm, you know.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: I look at my phone, I'm like, all right, we got a 18 minute drive, it's 20 minutes, we got time.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: I might even say it out loud.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: And he's like, hey, you want to stop for coffee?
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, we got a meeting in 20 minutes.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: And he's like, aaron, there's always 32 seconds.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: You know I'm not being anal, retentive.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: But we get back in the truck, we continue to drive, we show up Guess what?
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: The world still revolves.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: Nobody died Most of the time.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: It's not the end of the world.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm not saying you don't have to be punctual.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: I'm saying that I put too much stress for too many years on exact, precise, black and white things like achieving performance, timing, punctuality, and at the end it nearly killed me.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: It did take my job, it nearly took my family and it almost caused me to take my own life.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: It's okay, aaron, there's always time for coffee.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: It's that slower pace of lifestyle and this guy is very successful.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: He's been doing this a long time, very well respected, you know he's.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: He's what I, what I want to achieve and be in this world that I'm in.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: But I'm never going to get there because my heart's not going to let me.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: I still have to slow this pace as I work through therapy.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: You know, as I'm even talking about this, I'm like, okay, I got to hurry up, I got to hurry up and find peace with slowing down so I can be okay with it and then move on to a happier lifestyle.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: That comment in itself tells me that I'm nowhere, that I need to be mentally and in this whole healing thing, I need to hurry up and slow down.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: I'm setting another deadline and a goal for myself Just freaking, relax here and take a deep breath and you'll get there when you get there.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: And for me, I'm struggling with that and I'm talking about this tonight because I think that as I look back in my old world, I see so many people who you're one or the other right old world.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: I see so many people who you're one or the other.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Right, you're either an outdoor fisherman, hunter, skinner, backpacker you know bonfire uh, coors Light guy.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: Or you're a tennis player uh, you know penny loafers and you sit in a cubicle all day.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: Those are kind of the two extremes, right?
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: Rarely do you find the penny loafer guy that's in the woods gutting a moose.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: You just don't.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: So there's that high speed, low drag, wound, tight performance driven person or there's a relational person and I am trying to find the happy balance between those two, and I'm not the only one doing it.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: So I have this conversation with my therapist and I uh, you know, I think about these things that I need to work on and I leave there and I'm, I'm making some notes and I'm really I'm okay, you know, cause therapy is work.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: So, as I'm going through this, I'm like, well, I need to make a stop by a local, uh, contractor's office, drop something off.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: So I walk in the front door and I've only been in this office one other time and I walk in the front door and the owner of the company is sitting in the first office to the left and he sees me walk in.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: He's like, hey, how's it going.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, it's going good.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: So I step into his office for a moment to chat with him and I said how are you doing?
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: And he's like, good.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: He said, well, I'm not sleeping.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: And to me I'm thinking, man, that's a lot of information for the second time you've ever met me.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: So I'm like well, you know, why aren't you sleeping?
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: He's like I'm just not.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: He's like you know, he said when I was in my thirties I was working 16, 18, 20 hours a day.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: He said I would take, you know, a half hour to eat lunch or dinner or something once a day.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: He said I would go to sleep for three or four hours, I'd get up and I'd do it again.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: He says you know, I did that for 25 years, 30 years, he says, but now it's 60 something years old.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: He's like it's just the way my life is.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: He says so I might go a week or two or three without any sleep.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: And, um, he says I'm in here in the office, I'm getting stuff done, but I may go, you know, a long time, and then I may sleep for two or three days.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: He says, but I'm constantly up all night and all this stuff and I'm like man.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: You know, inside my head I didn't say anything at that moment, but inside my head I'm like this is literally the conversation we just had.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: This guy is that performance goal-driven individual and he is struggling with it.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: And at 67 years old, I guarantee you he hasn't done therapy, he hasn't worked through it, he hasn't done meditation, he hasn't done yoga, he hasn't done adult coloring, he hasn't done anything to activate that parasympathetic side of his brain.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: He is living in the go, fast, high speed, sympathetic side of his brain.
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: He needs to engage the parasympathetic side, the slowing down, the relaxing side of his brain, parasympathetic side, the slowing down the relaxing side of his brain.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: And he hasn't done that.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: So at 60 something years old, he is still going a hundred miles an hour because that's just what he knows, what he learned first, he learned best and that's what he learned first.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: And he's having medical issues and sleep issues and all this other stuff where my partner is different.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: My partner has had that relational style living his whole life and I'm learning so much by just watching the people around me and understanding the differences in the lifestyle they lead.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: So I get done at that office call and I go on and my phone rings five minutes later.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: When it rings, it's a lady that I work with.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: She's a little bit younger than me.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: I've met her a few times.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: She and I spent a couple of weeks together, some training or something, and she calls just to check in and see how things are going.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: And she has never called me.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: This is a phone call out of the blue and it is relatively clear.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: This is not just a work call.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: This is a personal call to check in on Aaron and to see how I'm doing and we're talking.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: And as we're talking, you know how are you doing?
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: Hey, she's relatively new in the position.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: How are you liking your position?
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: She tells me she's like how are you liking yours?
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: I'm like I like it.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: And I said I'll be honest with you.
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: It's it's a change of pace and I feel like I'm bored, or I feel like I'm not accomplishing tasks, or I feel like I'm not getting stuff done and maybe not giving the company you know everything they should.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm not meeting the standards you know that I set for myself.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: And over the next 15 minutes of conversation she relates and says you know, I was the same way in my previous world.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: She said I was the same way Go, go, go all the time she's.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: And this now, this new role that I'm in, there is some downtime, there's some slack time and I'm having to learn how to live in those moments and realize it's okay and give myself grace to live there and be there.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: And it was just another conversation out of the blue, one hour after my therapy session, discussing the same thing with somebody who's not much more than a complete stranger, and it's just.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: I think it was God's way of saying you're not alone in this, you know, pick it up and run with it.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: All I know is relationally driven people live a happier life, performance driven or, aka results driven, depending on if you're really being honest with yourself or not.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: Those people live a higher stress life and are on some heart medication.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: We ended up finishing that motorcycle trip and we were in Yellowstone and in Yellowstone, um that, we were at a uh, get this right.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: This is something that she's listening right now and she doesn't even know this.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: So we're in Yellowstone and we're at a gift store in Yellowstone and we're at a gift store, a gift store and, you know, souvenir place and she and Alan are over talking and I am walking around and as I walk past them I hear them talk about me and I'm like man, what are they saying about me?
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: And I couldn't tell if it was positive or negative, but in my mind it was negative.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: In my mind, whatever they said was negative and they were judging.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: They were talking about me.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: Uh, I wasn't keeping up to their standards, I wasn't performing like I should.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: Why did they even invite me on the trip?
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: This is all the negative stuff that I had going on in my head.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: So we leave and I'm a little bit put off because in my head I've, I've, I've got this entire story as to what this was about and I've made this up in my head and I'm not only have I made it up, but I'm believing, because we just believe the stuff we make up in our head and it becomes truth, it becomes the gospel.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: So I go back to the hotel room that night and I call my wife and I'm she's like how are things going?
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: And I'm a little off and she can tell she's like what's wrong.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: I said they're talking about me.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: I don't know what it is.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: I said I'm sure it's negative.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: You know, I don't know if I'm not keeping up.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: I mean, you know who knows, I don't know what it is, but it's stupid.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: And you know I'm frustrated and she's like we'll talk to him about it.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: I'm following day, we're getting ready to set off from our campsite in Yellowstone and we are getting ready to hit the road and we've met some of my other friends in Yellowstone so we're kind of doing a co-camping thing and we all gather around the motorcycles, we're saying goodbye and my, my friend, the lady, says you know, hey, aaron, alan, I have something for you.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: And she took out that gift bag from the gift store and open it up and handed me a sticker.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: And the sticker says adventure begins where the plans end.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: And Alan shook my hand and says you've become a Hawk, congratulations.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: And we stuck that sticker on the back of my BMW motorcycle because that's what you do with stickers on motorcycles.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: And that is what they were talking about.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: They weren't saying anything negative about me.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: They were applauding what had happened in that trip and the progress that I had made and the change of pace they had observed.
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: But because I was in such a cutthroat, negative, high speed, low drag, non-relational world, it's so easy to think that the world is against you and in law enforcement, we eat our own right.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: If we're not, if we're only time we're not getting talked about is if we're not in the room, and that is what I thought these guys were doing.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: But it was the exact opposite and I felt like a complete dork for feeling the way that I did.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: I was even embarrassed to tell my wife, kind of, what the outcome was and, uh, we moved on and we had a really great trip and, as a result, I gained really two really, really close friends and I love them both.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: Uh, I'd love to have Alan on the show sometime.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: He's got some stories.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: Alan was a professional bass player for an entire career and at towards the end of his bass playing career he became a Los Angeles police officer and he did the two simultaneously for years and his bass playing world music world did not know he was a cop and his cop world did not know he was a bass player.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: He didn't mix the two.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: He kept them very private and separate.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Alan is a slow voice of reason.
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: He is a slow percolating pot of coffee.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: He is a hawk that soars into things and doesn't get too excited about life.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: I've got a lot to learn from that man.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: Again, guys, I don't think that I'm the only one that struggles with being performance driven but yet calling it results driven.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: I don't think I'm the only one that has a hard time understanding those relationally driven people.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: Um, I don't think I'm the only one that wishes they were more relationally driven, especially when you get to a period of your life where the performance driven high speed nearly killed you and you're trying to make that change.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: You're trying not to find boredom in the things in life.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: You know, I got to remember that the adventure is what is found and seen along the journey and not the destination, and that is a new perspective for me finding patience, finding patience with myself, giving myself grace, giving yourself grace right, because we're hardest on ourselves.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: Understanding that you got a whole world in front of you.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: The people around you love you and support you and will support you.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I guarantee you your friends and family would love a relationally driven person more than a high speed, low drag, performance person that I thought I had to be.
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: It's been a long time since I've shared a therapy session with you guys and hopefully this made sense, and I just you know I want this to be educational, entertaining, provide value for people, and I think being honest, raw, true and transparent is a way to do that.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: And this is something we struggle with.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: I wasn't trying to get results, I was trying to get a pat on the back, and that just goes to the pride and ego thing that I spoke about in my earlier episodes.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: You know unveiling pride.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: We all suffer and deal with it, and this is just another aspect.
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: So now I'm going to go into my life.
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: What am I going to do now?
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: Right, aaron, what is your action plan for moving forward?
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: Now we've identified the problem.
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: How are you going to fix it?
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: I'm slowing down.
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: I'm doing Bible study every morning, meditating, changing my pace of life and just trying to be okay in those moments where things are slower.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: Be okay in those moments where I may be quote unquote bored or have some downtime and realize that I don't have to feel every minute of every day, and that is okay.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: And grace.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: I'm going.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to learn how to give myself grace.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: I think that's something we could all do.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you guys so much for listening all the way to the end of this hummingbird, to a hawk episode.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: What are you?
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: Are you a hummingbird, are you a hawk, are you somewhere in between?
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: A hawk episode what are you?
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: Are you a hummingbird, are you a hawk?
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: Are you somewhere in between?
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: If you guys have tips for me on how I can slow my pace, things that I can do, how I can become more of that hawk, how I can become more of that relationally driven person, please let me know.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: Send the fan mail.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: You can send me an email at murders2music at gmailcom.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you, be a part of this conversation.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: Hopefully something I've said somewhere along the way has helped you out.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: If you have something that can help me, time to give it back.
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, I appreciate you all.
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: That is a Murders to Music podcast.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: You.