Latest / Reformed Thinking / The Fallacy of Self-Esteem

Transcript

The Fallacy of Self-Esteem · Reformed Thinking

0:00
Welcome back to Reformed Thinking.
0:01
We're jumping straight into our deep dive today.
0:03
That's right. We've got some really
0:05
interesting source material shared with us.
0:07
Yeah, it looks like notes from a lesson, some reviews, FAQs, even
0:11
bits of a video transcript. And they all seem to converge on
0:13
this one big idea that's just everywhere in modern culture.
0:17
The whole concept of well, what used to be called self esteem,
0:20
right? But it goes by other names now.
0:23
And these sources really contrast that with what the
0:26
Bible says about who we are and, maybe more critically, what we
0:30
should be pursuing. OK, so that's our mission for
0:32
this deep dive. Then unpack the arguments in
0:35
these sources about this fallacy of self esteem, as they call it.
0:39
Figure out where they say it comes from.
0:41
You know it's worldly. Roots.
0:42
See how it shows up around us? Yeah.
0:44
And then really layout how the sources present.
0:48
The biblical teaching is, well, fundamentally different.
0:50
And importantly, what path forward the sources offer from a
0:53
biblical standpoint? Getting to the bottom of a
0:56
really pervasive idea, but seeing it through a scriptural
0:59
lens. All right, let's start by
1:02
unpacking the world's view. What exactly is this fallacy of
1:06
self esteem as the sources frame it?
1:09
Well, the sources kick things off by defining the concept.
1:12
They do acknowledge that the term self esteem itself might
1:15
sound a little dated, maybe a bit 80s or 90s.
1:17
Yeah, you don't hear it quite as much.
1:19
Maybe. Right.
1:20
But the underlying idea, they argue, it's stronger than ever.
1:23
It's just morphed, uses different vocabulary now.
1:26
So the packaging changed, but the product is the same.
1:29
What are some of those newer terms the sources point to?
1:31
Oh. The list is pretty long, which
1:33
kind of shows how ingrained this is.
1:34
You hear about finding your authentic self?
1:36
Right. Be true to yourself.
1:37
Exactly. Then there's self-care, which
1:40
you know often gets framed as prioritizing your own needs
1:43
above all else. Self love, self worth,
1:46
Definitely those. The idea you have this inherent
1:48
value inside you. Self respect.
1:50
Yep, that's on the list. Emotional Wellness.
1:54
Mindfulness. Sometimes mindfulness can be
1:57
good, but often it gets twisted into this intense inward focus
2:00
on your own state. Like navel gazing almost.
2:03
Can be finding yourself, being true to yourself, confidence,
2:07
self-confidence, it's all part of this constellation of ideas.
2:12
And it's not just like personal therapy jargon, is it?
2:15
The sources mentioned it's more public than that.
2:17
Oh absolutely, it's everywhere. The sources point to big
2:20
organizations like they mentioned Kaiser Permanente
2:22
using terms like mindfulness and pushing emotional Wellness
2:25
initiatives that really tap into these same self focused ideas.
2:29
You see it on billboards and. Marketing company values, even
2:33
school programs sometimes this message that you need a positive
2:37
Interstate, a sense of value coming from you to function well
2:40
and be hay it's resented as just basic common sense.
2:44
O the core idea bubbling U is well-being, maybe even making a
2:48
difference in the world. It all starts with feeling good
2:51
about yourself, having this positive self view.
2:53
That's the essence of it, yeah. OK, so where do the sources say
2:55
this whole framework originates? What's the psychological
2:58
underpinning they identify? They point pretty directly to
3:01
Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs.
3:03
They place it in that stream of humanistic psychology.
3:07
Right. Maslow's hierarchy.
3:08
I think most people have seen that pyramid diagram at some
3:10
point. Can you walk us through the
3:12
levels as the sources describe them?
3:14
How does it build up? Sure.
3:16
So at the very bottom, the base of the pyramid, you've got the
3:19
physiological needs. Just the absolute basics.
3:22
Food, water, warmth, rest, survival stuff.
3:26
Makes sense, can't think about much else if you're starving.
3:28
Right. Then once those are basically
3:31
met, the next level up is safety needs feeling secure, stable,
3:36
you know, freedom from fear, order in your life.
3:38
OK, basic survival, then basic security.
3:41
Then comes the third level, social needs or belongingness
3:44
and love needs. This is about relationships,
3:46
friendships, intimacy, being part of a group, feeling
3:49
accepted. So physiological safety
3:52
belonging the sources see these as foundational.
3:55
Yeah, those first three are kind of the base layers in Maslow's
3:58
original model. OK, where does the self esteem
4:00
piece fit in then? That's level 4.
4:03
Once you feel basically safe and like you belong, the need for
4:07
esteem emerges. And, the sources explain, this
4:10
isn't just about being in the group, it's about feeling
4:12
respected by the group, achieving things, gaining
4:15
recognition. Status and respect.
4:17
Exactly. And crucially within this model,
4:20
it's argued that you need yourself esteem actively raised
4:25
or needs to become full. At this stage, you need to feel
4:27
competent and valued. So it's not just having some
4:30
self esteem, but needing it to be high or full as the source
4:35
puts it. What happens after that
4:36
according to the model? Well, once you supposedly
4:39
achieve this greater self esteem, then you can finally
4:42
reach the top level of the original hierarchy.
4:45
Self actualization the. Peak of the pyramid.
4:47
Right. This is presented as you know,
4:49
achieving your full potential, becoming everything you're
4:50
capable of being, being truly you.
4:53
And the idea is, only after you get here, fueled by that high
4:56
self esteem, can you really make your best contribution to the
5:00
world. OK, so the world's view
5:02
channeled through this model is basically feel good about
5:06
yourself first, get that esteem level high, then you can become
5:10
your best self and do good things.
5:12
That's the progression the sources describe, and they had
5:14
an interesting note. Maslow apparently added another
5:17
level even above self actualization later on.
5:20
Transcendence. Transcendence.
5:22
What did that involve? The sources interpret this level
5:25
as presented by Maslow, in a pretty startling way.
5:29
They describe it as reaching a state of being completely full
5:32
of yourself completely. Full of yourself?
5:34
Seriously. That's the phrasing in the
5:36
source materials interpretation, and they say this state is
5:39
presented as giving you better access to the divine and
5:42
enabling you to really make an impact in the world.
5:45
Wow, so ultimate self focus somehow leads to divine
5:49
connection and effectiveness? That interpretation really
5:52
highlights the inversion, doesn't it it?
5:54
Really does. It shows where that line of
5:55
thinking can ultimately lead if the self remains the absolute
5:59
center. OK, let's pull that together.
6:01
The core worldly belief, as the sources see it reflected in
6:05
society and models like Maslow's, is that you absolutely
6:08
must have high self esteem, This positive self regard, this
6:12
feeling of inherent worth to function properly, to be
6:16
fulfilled, and to make a positive difference.
6:18
That's the foundational assumption.
6:20
And because that's the assumption, the sources
6:23
explained, the next logical step in the world's thinking, which
6:26
is that most human problems, anxiety, depression, bad
6:30
relationships, failure, you name it, are fundamentally caused by
6:34
a lack of self esteem, a bad self-image, low self worth.
6:39
And that's why the sources are calling it the fallacy of self
6:41
esteem. Precisely.
6:42
They use the word fallacy because they argue this whole
6:45
framework misidentifies the real root problem.
6:47
The world says the problem is low self esteem, so the solution
6:50
must be to raise it. But the sources are saying
6:52
that's looking in the wrong place for the cause and
6:55
therefore for the cure. Exactly.
6:57
They believe the real issue lies much deeper than just how we
7:00
feel about ourselves. OK, if the world thinks low
7:03
self-image is the big problem, it must have a lot of reasons
7:07
why people end up feeling bad about themselves.
7:09
What are some of those explanations?
7:11
The sources list the ones they call mistaken.
7:14
Oh yeah, the sources provide quite a list of supposed causes
7:17
for low self-image. Things like growing up poor or
7:21
having a job you hate. Physical limitations.
7:23
Physical handicaps? Yep.
7:25
Being put down or belittled by others.
7:28
Rejection, especially by parents.
7:30
Lack of money, Lack of education.
7:33
Feeling disrespected or misunderstood?
7:36
Not getting respect, inability to communicate well, feeling
7:39
misunderstood, maybe being a slow learner, not having job
7:43
opportunities, dealing with a difficult spouse described in
7:46
the sources. Nagging.
7:47
History of abuse. Yeah, being abused as a child is
7:50
on the list and just generally having poor relationships.
7:53
That's a list of genuinely hard things people go through.
7:56
No doubt these are real struggles, but the critical
7:58
observation the sources make about this entire list, what's
8:02
the common denominator? Let me guess self.
8:04
Bingo. In every single one of these
8:06
perceived causes, the focus is squarely on self.
8:10
The reason someone feels bad is because of things happening to
8:13
them that impact their feelings, their status, their image of
8:15
self. The problem is defined by its
8:17
negative impact on the self. OK, so the diagnosis is bad
8:20
self-image caused by external factors hurting the self.
8:24
What are the world's prescriptions then?
8:26
The solutions The source is called futile ways of building
8:29
up self. Right.
8:30
Futile because they don't fix the underlying issue.
8:32
According to the sources, the proposed solutions flow directly
8:36
from the diagnosis. Things like, well, learn to love
8:39
yourself more. That's a big one.
8:41
Huge. Actively work to raise your self
8:43
esteem. Yourself worth yourself.
8:45
Love yourself. Respect.
8:46
Accept yourself just as you are. Focus on getting your perceived
8:50
needs met. Getting in touch with your
8:51
feelings. Yep.
8:52
Get in touch with yourself, your feelings.
8:54
Pursue self actualization. Become your best self.
8:57
Assert yourself. Stand up for your rights.
8:59
Tell people about your accomplishments.
9:01
Be your own person. Be your own person, forge your
9:03
own path. Also interestingly, blame
9:06
shifting, attributing your problems to external factors or
9:09
other people, and practicing visualization picturing yourself
9:13
as confident and successful. Wow, again it's just
9:16
overwhelmingly about the self love self, raise self, accept
9:20
self, assert self, find self. It's relentless, and the sources
9:24
make a special point about one specific solution often offered.
9:28
Forgiving yourself. You mentioned that earlier.
9:30
Yes, they state very clearly this phrase.
9:32
Forgiving yourself, while common in self help circles, is quote
9:36
not a biblical concept. They argue forgiveness for sin
9:40
is God's domain. You don't grant it to yourself,
9:44
you seek it from God. That's a crucial distinction
9:46
they draw. OK, let's look at one of the
9:48
real world examples the sources used to show this message in
9:50
action, the Red Table Talk piece with Willow and Jada Pinkett
9:54
Smith. Right.
9:55
The sources reference an article about a specific conversation on
9:58
that show. Willow Smith was talking about
10:00
choosing polyamory and she explained her reasoning as
10:03
wanting to structure relationships in a way that
10:07
allows her to, and this is a quote from the source describing
10:10
her view. Have what it is that you want.
10:12
Get what you want out of relationships.
10:14
That was the framing, and her mother, Jada Pinkett Smith,
10:18
affirmed this approach. Her response, as quoted in the
10:21
source material, was that anything goes quote as long as
10:25
she's learning to have the greatest love affair with
10:27
herself. The greatest love affair with
10:29
herself. That phrase just perfectly sums
10:31
up the whole worldview the sources are critiquing doesn't.
10:34
It it really does, it puts the individual's desires and their
10:37
internal relationship with themselves as the ultimate
10:40
priority. Self love is the highest love.
10:42
And the sources use this example.
10:44
Say, look, this is the world's message, loud and clear.
10:46
Arrange your life, even your most intimate relationships, to
10:49
fulfill your desires and find your ultimate satisfaction and
10:53
love within yourself. It's a very public promotion of
10:55
that self centric view. It makes me think about that
10:58
other illustration the sources brought up, the one that shows
11:01
how this isn't just abstract philosophy but plays out in
11:04
everyday conversations. The ME Monster.
11:07
Yeah, the Brian Regan bit. The sources use that comedian's
11:11
illustration. It's funny, but it's also quite
11:15
pointed about our tendency to constantly steer conversations
11:18
back to ourselves. The wisdom teeth example.
11:20
That's one reference to you, Regan jokes about how if you
11:23
mentioned having two wisdom teeth pulled, someone who had
11:26
four has to jump in immediately. They parachute in and cut you
11:29
off as the source says, right? Just to tell you they had four,
11:33
implying their experience was bigger, tougher, more
11:35
noteworthy. It's that compulsion to one up.
11:38
Or just make the story about me. It's.
11:39
Painfully relatable sometimes. We've all seen it, maybe done
11:42
it. We probably all have and the
11:44
sources use it as more than just a joke.
11:46
They turn it back on the listener asking are you the me
11:48
monster sometimes? Where does this show up in your
11:51
life? It's meant for self examination.
11:54
A convicting question for sure. Which brings us right to the big
11:57
contrast. If the world says the answer is
12:00
more you build up the self focus inward, what is the completely
12:05
different message the sources highlight from the Bible?
12:08
Well, according to the sources, the absolute starting point, the
12:12
non negotiable foundation for following Christ is something
12:15
Jesus himself taught. And it's the polar opposite of
12:18
self focus. It's self denial.
12:20
Denying self and the sources emphasize the context of this
12:23
teaching. Yes, very much so.
12:25
They point out that Jesus introduces this right after
12:28
Peter makes an amazing confession.
12:30
You are the Christ. This is described in the sources
12:33
as a big hinge point in Mark's gospel.
12:36
Jesus had just started telling them about his coming,
12:38
suffering, death and resurrection.
12:40
Things they did not want to hear.
12:41
Peter even tried to shut him down.
12:43
He did, and right after that Jesus doesn't just talk to the
12:46
12. He calls the whole crowd over
12:49
and he lays out this challenging requirement.
12:51
The sources quote Mark 8.3435. If anyone would come after me,
12:56
let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
12:58
Let him deny himself. That's the core command.
13:02
What does that actually mean according to the sources?
13:04
How do they unpack deny himself? They define it pretty clearly.
13:08
It means consciously taking the focus off yourself.
13:12
It means choosing to make much of God instead.
13:15
His glory, His will, His Kingdom, and it means actively
13:19
serving other people, putting their needs ahead of your own.
13:22
It's a deliberate turning away from self centeredness.
13:25
Wow, that couldn't be more different from raise your self
13:28
esteem or have the greatest love affair with yourself.
13:30
It's a head on collision, isn't it?
13:31
The sources spell it out. The world says more of you.
13:34
Jesus says deny yourself. Complete opposites.
13:37
And they add a crucial point. Jesus commands self denial
13:41
precisely because we already love ourselves.
13:43
We don't need a command for that.
13:44
Not according to this view. Our fallen nature is inherently
13:47
self focused. We naturally look out for number
13:49
1, so the command to deny self is necessary to counteract that
13:53
powerful ingrained tendency. OK, self denial, the first huge
13:58
biblical contrast. What's the second major teaching
14:01
the sources highlight that pushes back against those
14:04
worldly needs hierarchies like Maslow's?
14:06
The second key teaching comes from the Sermon on the Mount
14:09
Matthew chapter 6. Jesus is talking to his
14:12
disciples about basic life anxieties, worrying about food,
14:16
drink, clothes, the absolute fundamentals.
14:19
He talks about the birds and the lilies, right?
14:21
How God takes care of them. Exactly.
14:23
He uses those examples to show God's detailed providential care
14:26
for His creation. And then flowing out of that
14:29
assurance, he gives this pivotal command, the one that sources
14:31
really focus on in Matthew 6.33, but seek first the Kingdom of
14:35
God and His righteousness. And all these things will be
14:38
added to you. Seek God's Kingdom first.
14:40
How does that upend the idea that you need your basic needs
14:43
met or your self esteem needs met before you can really live
14:46
for God? Well, the sources argue pretty
14:48
strongly that Jesus is essentially flipping Maslow's
14:51
hierarchy of needs on its head right here.
14:53
Flipping it over? How so?
14:55
In the world's model, remember you climb the pyramid.
14:58
Physical needs, safety, belonging, esteem.
15:02
Then maybe you reach the top and can think about purpose or
15:05
impact. You secure yourself first.
15:07
You build up from the bottom. Right.
15:09
Jesus reverses it. He says the primary thing, the
15:11
first thing to pursue is God's Kingdom and His righteousness.
15:16
You're absolutely top priority. And the promises, if you do
15:19
that, the Father who knows you need food and clothes will take
15:23
care of those things. So security and purpose don't
15:26
come from getting your own needs met first.
15:28
Not, according to this passage. True security, real provision,
15:32
the foundation for a meaningful life.
15:34
It comes from aligning yourself with God's purposes and trusting
15:37
His care, not from achieving self-sufficiency or self
15:40
fulfillment first. And the sources mentioned that
15:43
this worldly idea needing your needs met before serving God has
15:46
actually seeped into the Church sometimes.
15:48
Yes, they definitely highlight that as a problem.
15:51
This subtle thought that says, well, I can't really serve God
15:54
effectively, or tithe, or share my faith, or lead that group
15:59
until I get my finances sorted out.
16:00
That, or until I find a spouse, or until my health improves, or
16:03
until I feel more confident. You need to get my house in
16:05
order first, right? But the sources say Matthew 6
16:10
directly confronts that. Jesus says seek the Kingdom now,
16:13
right where you are. Whatever your circumstances,
16:16
Trust that the Father knows what you need and will provide as you
16:20
prioritize His agenda, not yours.
16:23
It really challenges that I'm not ready yet.
16:25
Mindset completely. It shifts the focus from my
16:28
perceived lack or my internal state to God's call and His
16:31
sufficiency. Seek Him first, trust Him for
16:34
the rest. OK, you mentioned this
16:35
infiltration into the church. The sources really dig into
16:38
specific ways these worldly self esteem ideas have shown up as
16:41
well problematic teachings in some Christian circles.
16:44
Let's walk through those points they raise.
16:45
Yeah, they do spend some time on this.
16:47
They note it was maybe more overt back in the 80s and 90s,
16:50
sometimes called the self esteem gospel, but the underlying ideas
16:54
still persist, often more subtly now.
16:57
They pinpoint several specific claims they see as rooted in
17:00
worldly thinking, not solid biblical teaching.
17:03
What's the first big one they tackle?
17:05
It's the teaching that says you must learn to love yourself
17:08
before you can truly love others.
17:10
You hear that, A? Lot you do, but the sources
17:12
argue this fundamentally misreads the second great
17:15
commandment in Matthew 22. You should love your neighbor as
17:17
yourself. They stress that as yourself
17:20
isn't 1/3 command. One love God.
17:23
Two, love self. Three, love neighbor.
17:26
It's not an instruction to love yourself.
17:28
No, they argue it's a standard or a measure.
17:30
It assumes we already have a natural self love, a drive for
17:34
self preservation and well-being.
17:36
Jesus uses that innate self-care as the benchmark for how we
17:39
should care for our neighbor. So treat your neighbor with the
17:41
same concern you naturally have for yourself.
17:44
Exactly, and the sources point out Jesus himself said on these
17:47
two commandments depend all the law and the prophets 2 not 3.
17:51
They contrast this with Jesus's own standard for love in John 15
17:55
Love one another as I have loved you, which was how laying down
17:59
his life sacrificial love. The sources argue that laying
18:02
down your life is the very opposite of needing to umm U
18:05
yourself love first. It's self giving, not self
18:08
focused. That's a very different model of
18:10
love. OK, what's the next claim the
18:12
sources challenge? The idea that because we're
18:14
created in God's image, we are therefore inherently worthy of
18:17
God's grace and possess infinite value in His sight.
18:20
OK, we are created in God's image.
18:22
That's Genesis 1. Absolutely.
18:24
The sources affirm that the Imago Dei gives humanity unique
18:27
dignity, but they push back hard against the conclusion of
18:31
inherent worthiness or infinite value.
18:33
Apart from Christ's work, they point to the reality of the
18:36
fall. Passages like Ephesians 2, which
18:39
the sources reference, describe our natural state as children of
18:42
wrath, dead in our fins. So while the image is there,
18:46
it's marred by sin. They argue our true worthiness,
18:50
our standing before God, doesn't come from something inherent in
18:52
us, but is imputed to us through faith in Christ.
18:55
It's a derived worth based on him.
18:57
Precisely they cite first Peter 2.9 were chosen that you may
19:01
proclaim the excellencies of him who called you.
19:04
The focus is God's excellence, not ours and 1st Corinthians 1
19:08
where Paul talks about God choosing the weak and foolish.
19:11
So that no one can boast before him.
19:12
Right, so that no human being might boast in the presence of
19:15
God. The only legitimate boasting is
19:18
in the Lord, the sources argue. This completely redirects the
19:21
focus away from any inherent human worthiness and on to God's
19:25
grace in Christ's achievement. OK, what about the practical
19:28
claim? Without good self esteem, you
19:30
can't solve problems, relate effectively, or grow
19:33
spiritually. The sources counted this
19:35
directly with Philippians 4 four point team.
19:37
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
19:39
Yes, the ability to live the Christian life, face trials,
19:44
love others well, grow in faith. It comes from Christ's strength
19:47
working in us by the Spirit. It's an external source of
19:50
power, not an internal reservoir of good self esteem.
19:54
This flips the world's anthropology which locates the
19:57
solution within the person. The Bible locates it in Christ
20:02
in the person. That connects back to the self
20:04
denial versus self focus theme again.
20:06
It does. Then they tackle the assertion
20:08
that the need for self worth is the greatest of all human needs.
20:12
The greatest? Need the sources refute this
20:14
very strongly. They state emphatically that the
20:16
greatest human need, bar none, is salvation, repentance and
20:20
reconciliation with God through Christ.
20:22
Why? Because, as they put it bluntly,
20:25
wrath is coming for your sins. People are in mortal danger of
20:28
judgement. So the most urgent need isn't
20:30
feeling good about yourself, it's being rescued from sin and
20:32
judgement. That's the argument.
20:34
They use Stark imagery like being a spider dangling over a
20:36
fire, referencing Jonathan Edwards to convey the urgency.
20:40
The primary need is rescue, not self affirmation.
20:43
What about positive thinking about oneself is necessary for
20:46
accomplishing things, especially in Christian service?
20:49
This is called biblically backward.
20:51
In the source material they go back to John 15, the vine of the
20:54
branches. Jesus says fruitfulness,
20:56
accomplishing anything of eternal value, comes only from
20:59
being connected to Him. Apart from me, He says, you can
21:02
do nothing. So success comes from dependence
21:05
on Christ, not positive self talk.
21:07
Exactly. Abiding in him, drawing life
21:10
from him is the key, not cultivating belief in your own
21:13
abilities. OK, and they revisit forgiving
21:16
yourself? Yes, just to reiterate firmly
21:18
that the sources state this is not a biblical concept.
21:21
Forgiveness for sin is God's act received through faith in
21:24
Christ's sacrifice. While we need to accept God's
21:26
forgiveness and stop condemning ourselves based on past sins He
21:29
has forgiven, the act of forgiving belongs to God.
21:32
Got it. And the last one, God wants us
21:35
to feel good about ourselves. The sources contrast this with a
21:38
consistent biblical emphasis on humility, pointing to
21:41
Philippians 2. Again, God opposes the proud but
21:44
gives grace to the humble. He lifts up the humble.
21:47
The ultimate aim isn't our self satisfaction, but God's glory.
21:51
He is the one who is infinitely valuable.
21:53
While he loves his people deeply, framing his primary
21:56
desire as simply making us feel good about ourselves misses the
22:00
much larger God centered purpose of redemption.
22:03
It seems like all these points the sources raise, whether
22:06
subtle or obvious, ultimately pull the focus away from God,
22:10
away from Christ's work, and back onto the self.
22:12
That's precisely the argument. They see these as ways the world
22:15
self centric message has unfortunately colored some
22:18
Christian thinking, shifting the foundation away from God's glory
22:22
and toward human feelings and potential.
22:23
OK, so if this deep inward self focus is the core problem, how
22:27
does it actually manifest? What is the fruit of this self
22:29
orientation look like in day-to-day life?
22:31
The sources talk about specific sins be the direct fruit, the
22:35
outward evidence of this underlying self esteem or self
22:38
exultation focus. These actions and attitudes
22:42
reveal a heart that's oriented inward, maybe questioning God's
22:46
goodness or His plan for you. They list four key ones.
22:49
Using those I want phrases. Yes, those phrases really
22:52
capture the self focused desire behind each one.
22:55
The first is greed. Greed.
22:57
I want more. Right.
22:59
Defined as a strong desire for more than what God wants you to
23:02
have. It's just accumulation for its
23:05
own sake. The example uses having a
23:07
perfectly good car, but just wanting another faster one too.
23:10
Not because you need it, but just because more.
23:12
OK greed is I want more what's #2.
23:15
Coveting the thought pattern here is I want that.
23:18
That specific thing someone else has.
23:20
Usually, yes. It's defined as wanting what God
23:23
has not ordained you to have, often directed at another's
23:25
possession. The illustration is seeing, say,
23:28
a neighbor's new Tesla, knowing you can't afford it, but
23:32
intensely desiring that specific car or one just like it.
23:35
It's a longing for what isn't yours.
23:36
Coveting. I want that Number 3 is
23:38
jealousy. Jealousy.
23:40
The thought is that is mine or that should be mine.
23:44
How's that define? As a resentment, suspicion, or
23:46
fear that another person is seeking to take away what you
23:49
perceive to be yours. The car example here is your
23:54
boss gets a bonus, buys a new car.
23:56
You feel like your hard work contributed to that bonus, so
23:59
that money or that car should have been yours.
24:01
It's feeling possessive over something you think you deserve.
24:05
They do distinguish this from godly jealousy, like God's
24:08
jealousy for our worship. Jealousy that is mine and the
24:11
last of the four. Envy.
24:13
This was perhaps the nastiest. The thought is that is mine, not
24:17
yours. How does that differ from
24:19
coveting or jealousy? Envy is defined as discontented
24:23
feeling in view of what someone else has or has achieved, which
24:26
then results in hate and displeasure towards the
24:28
possessor. So you see the boss's new car.
24:31
Coveting might start it, you feel it should be yours.
24:34
Jealousy might creep in. But envy takes it further.
24:37
You become deeply discontented with your own car, and you
24:40
actively resent or even hate your boss because he has the new
24:43
car. It's not just wanting it, it's
24:44
bitterness toward the person who has it.
24:46
Envy. That is mine, not yours.
24:50
Wow, those four really paint a picture of a heart wrapped up in
24:53
itself. Do the sources list other, maybe
24:56
more common ways this self focus pops up daily?
24:59
Oh yes, quite a few. Beyond those four big ones, they
25:02
mentioned things like habitually putting other people down,
25:05
either out loud or just in your thoughts, critiquing them to
25:08
make yourself feel better. Questioning people's motives.
25:10
Yeah, especially regarding their successes or possessions.
25:13
Always suspecting they have some ulterior motive, assuming the
25:16
worst. Constant comparison.
25:18
Huge one. Always measuring yourself
25:19
against others. Their stuff, their talents,
25:22
their looks, their spiritual gifts, their life circumstances.
25:25
Just this endless, exhausting comparison game.
25:28
What else? Persistently desiring or
25:30
demanding things you don't have, Brooding over life being unfair
25:33
to you, striving intensely for more than God seems to intend,
25:36
and then ironically, quickly becoming discontent even when
25:40
you get what you thought you wanted.
25:41
That cycle of desire achieved discontent.
25:44
Exactly. Also ignoring or avoiding people
25:48
who are getting praise or recognition because it makes you
25:50
feel bad about yourself. Boasting about your own
25:53
achievements to get ahead or impress people.
25:55
The sources mentioned parenting too.
25:57
Yeah, wrapping your parenting up in self where your main concern
26:01
about your kids failures or successes is how they reflect on
26:04
you making it about your image as a parent.
26:07
That's a subtle trap. It is.
26:09
And then there's the classic being preoccupied with how you
26:12
came across after an interaction, replaying
26:15
conversations, worrying what people thought of you.
26:17
Seeking relationships based on what you get.
26:19
Definitely looking for a spouse or friends based primarily on
26:23
how they meet your needs, make you feel, or what they can do
26:26
for you instead of focusing on loving and serving them.
26:29
Just general self-centered thinking.
26:31
Pretty much prioritizing your needs, your comfort, your
26:34
desires for worldly success, status, money, recognition for
26:38
your own sake rather than for God's Kingdom or glory.
26:41
The sources tie all these back to that fundamental inward
26:44
orientation, pleasing self rather than glorifying God.
26:47
OK, so if that self focus is the deep problem and trying to build
26:52
up the self is the world's flawed solution, what is the
26:56
biblical way forward presented in the sources?
26:59
How do we get out of this self trap right?
27:01
The answer can't be more self. The sources use that coin
27:05
illustration again the US quarter.
27:07
George Washington and the Eagle. Yeah, one side is George looking
27:11
downcast. That could represent being
27:14
preoccupied with how bad you are.
27:16
Low self esteem, self pity, still focused on self.
27:19
The other side is the eagle, puffed up, representing pride,
27:22
arrogance, thinking you're great, still focused on self.
27:25
Exactly. Both sides, low self view or
27:28
high self view, are still fundamentally self
27:31
preoccupation, the sources argue.
27:32
The biblical answer isn't to just flip the coin from feeling
27:35
bad about yourself to feeling good about yourself.
27:37
So what do you do with the coin? You Chuck the coin is the
27:39
sources. Put it, throw it away.
27:40
Start making yourself the main object of your thoughts, whether
27:43
positive or negative. The way forward is to
27:45
consciously, actively make much of God instead.
27:48
Chuck the coin, stop thinking about myself, and make much of
27:52
God. That sounds simple, but how does
27:54
it work practically? How did the sources say we
27:57
actually do that? They use the classic biblical
27:59
framework of put off and put on, drawing from passages like
28:04
Ephesians 4 and Colossians 3. Put off the old self, put on the
28:06
new. Basically, yes.
28:08
It involves identifying those specific manifestations of self
28:11
focus, like the fruits we just discussed, recognizing them as
28:15
sin, flowing from that inward heart, repenting of them, and
28:19
then intentionally, actively replacing them with God,
28:22
honoring outward focused thoughts and actions.
28:25
It's a deliberate spirit, empowered discipline.
28:27
Can you give some concrete examples from the sources of
28:30
this put off put on? Sure, a big one is put off the
28:33
fear of man that's being overly concerned with what others
28:36
think, seeking their approval, fearing their disapproval.
28:38
Put that off and put on. Put on the fear of God.
28:42
Cultivate reverence for God. Value his opinion supremely.
28:45
Seek his approval alone. The sources say This is
28:48
incredibly freeing. Think about social anxiety.
28:51
If you put off worrying how you look or sound to others and put
28:55
on focusing on honoring God in the conversation, it changes
28:58
everything. Your focus shifts from self
29:00
performance to God's glory. What's another example?
29:04
Put off worrying about self and put on concern for others.
29:07
The sources use dating again. Instead of thinking how can I
29:09
find someone to meet my needs, you put on the mindset of how
29:13
can I genuinely love and serve this person.
29:15
Even if you're shy, if your focus is on the other person,
29:17
not your own awkwardness, it liberates you to connect.
29:20
It turns relationships from consumption to service.
29:23
Exactly. Another pairing.
29:25
Put off complaining, grumbling, and coveting those signs of
29:27
discontent. Put on accepting what God has
29:30
sovereignly given you and actively cultivating
29:32
thankfulness. Trading discontent for
29:34
gratitude. Right, put off self-centered
29:36
thinking about your own needs. Put on a mind that actively
29:39
thinks about others needs and how you can help meet them.
29:43
They mentioned this specifically for couples in conflict to
29:46
focusing on what you're not getting tart focusing on how you
29:49
can serve your souse. That could change a lot of
29:51
dynamics. It could.
29:52
And finally, put off selfish desires for worldly success for
29:57
your own glory. Put on a desire to be successful
30:00
for the Kingdom, successful in God's eyes, using your gifts for
30:04
His purposes. So it's this ongoing, active
30:06
replacement of inward thoughts and motives with upward and
30:09
outward ones. Yes, and crucially, the sources
30:12
emphasize this isn't just willpower or self help.
30:15
It's done in complete dependence on the Holy Spirit.
30:18
He gives the desire and the strength to actually live this
30:20
way. It's his work in US reorienting
30:23
our hearts. And what's the result if someone
30:25
actually pursues this path of self denial?
30:28
Chucks the coin, seeks God first.
30:30
What's the outcome promised in the source?
30:32
Material. The outcome, paradoxically, is
30:35
where you truly find your life. Just like Jesus promised, lose
30:39
your life for his sake and you'll save it.
30:41
The sources list some incredible assurances for those who go this
30:44
route. Like what?
30:46
The God, the Sovereign Lord, genuinely has your ultimate best
30:50
interest at heart. That He knows exactly what's
30:52
best for you far better than you do.
30:54
That He will accomplish His good purposes in and through you.
30:58
That He will meet every single real need you have.
31:01
Maybe not every perceived want, but every true need.
31:03
Provision and purpose, yes. And that He will equip you by
31:07
His spirit for whatever He calls you to do.
31:10
And maybe most comforting of all, that He will be with you
31:12
always. You're never alone in this.
31:14
Wow. Security, wisdom, purpose,
31:17
provision, equipping, presence, all found outside of focusing on
31:21
self. That's the promise laid out, and
31:23
the sources cap it off by referencing John 10.10.
31:26
Jesus came that we might have life and have it abundantly.
31:29
This abundant life, they argue, isn't found in climbing Maslow's
31:32
pyramid or achieving self love. It's found in denying self,
31:35
taking up the cross, and following Christ, seeking His
31:38
Kingdom above all else. An abundant life found not by
31:41
looking deeper within, but by looking higher to God and
31:45
further out to others through the Spirit's power.
31:48
That's certainly a powerful counter narrative from these
31:50
sources. It lays out a very different
31:52
path. Well, this deep dive has
31:54
definitely highlighted a sharp contrast, hasn't it, between
31:57
this pervasive cultural push for self esteem and what the sources
32:01
present as the biblical call to self denial and God
32:05
centeredness. It really forces you to examine
32:08
where your own focus tends to land.
32:10
So, building on everything we've unpacked from the source
32:12
material, here's a final thought for you, the listener, to chew
32:16
on. If genuine fulfilment, true
32:18
security and lasting significance aren't actually
32:21
found inside ourselves, not through boosting our self esteem
32:24
or achieving self actualization, but are instead discovered when
32:28
we lose our lives for Christ, make much of God, and seek His
32:31
Kingdom first, Where might you in your own life be looking
32:35
inward for something that can ultimately only be found by
32:37
looking upward to God and outward in love towards others.
32:41
That's a question worth wrestling with.
32:42
We really appreciate you joining us for this deep dive on
32:45
reformed thinking. Thanks for tuning in.