Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 458. Building Deeper Adult Friendship & more (Headnoise)

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458. Building Deeper Adult Friendship & more (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:21
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful Booms, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:26
Speaker 1: I'm actually just jumping in here before we get started
0:29
Speaker 1: on the topic of today's episode, to let you know,
0:31
Speaker 1: especially my Sydney beans, that I am doing a one
0:35
Speaker 1: off Sydney live show in February feb fourth. It's going
0:39
Speaker 1: to be unbelievable. It's going to be the best show yet.
0:42
Speaker 1: And I am apologizing because I left Sydney out of
0:46
Speaker 1: the Lost But Make It Look Intentional live show tour
0:48
Speaker 1: across Australia. It was unbelievable, but unfortunately I was not
0:52
Speaker 1: able to add Sydney on that to a list. But
0:54
Speaker 1: now we are coming back to Sydney with the Lost
0:57
Speaker 1: But Make It Look Intentional show, one last show off
1:00
Speaker 1: that tour, and it is going to be bigger and
1:03
Speaker 1: better than any other show I've ever done. So if
1:05
Speaker 1: you live in Sydney or really anywhere in the world,
1:08
Speaker 1: because I have had people come from New Zealand and
1:11
Speaker 1: Seattle by the way to my live shows from around
1:14
Speaker 1: the world love it so much.
1:15
Speaker 2: So if you live in Sydney or anywhere.
1:17
Speaker 1: In the world, then head to dyfimpod dot com and
1:20
Speaker 1: click on the link for the live show tickets and
1:24
Speaker 1: by yourself a live show ticket.
1:26
Speaker 2: It's going to be epic.
1:27
Speaker 1: We're going to have things going on before and after.
1:29
Speaker 1: There's VIP tickets as well that are available where we're
1:32
Speaker 1: doing a meet and greet, we're doing drinks after, there's
1:35
Speaker 1: a whole it's all happening. So jump on the website
1:39
Speaker 1: get yourself a live show ticket. It's going to be
1:42
Speaker 1: on a Wednesday night, so maybe go have dinner, have
1:45
Speaker 1: drinks in the city and then come and change your
1:48
Speaker 1: life at the live show because I will. That's my
1:50
Speaker 1: aim to change your life anyway over and out.
1:53
Speaker 2: Love you guys so much. Let's get straight into the
1:55
Speaker 2: episode of Today.
1:56
Speaker 1: Hallo, beautiful Beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
2:00
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, this is a head noise episode.
2:04
Speaker 1: I'm going to be going through the email head noise
2:07
Speaker 1: episodes because I've done a few voicemail head noise episodes
2:10
Speaker 1: and we need to give both kinds of head noise
2:14
Speaker 1: the love that they deserve because they're fucking great questions
2:17
Speaker 1: they always are. So today I'm going to try and
2:20
Speaker 1: get through four of your email head noise questions.
2:24
Speaker 2: If you are interested in sending through your questions.
2:27
Speaker 1: As always, you can email through info at dyfmpod dot com. Otherwise,
2:33
Speaker 1: if you want to send in a voicemail, you can
2:35
Speaker 1: go to www dot dyfmpod dot com and then in
2:38
Speaker 1: the little menu there, there's like a little section for
2:41
Speaker 1: you to send a voice to note through speak pipes.
2:43
Speaker 2: So there's all the options for all my boons.
2:46
Speaker 1: So anyway, let's get straight into it. We're not going
2:49
Speaker 1: to fuck around any longer. We are starting with the
2:52
Speaker 1: first question, and this is how to get new adult
2:55
Speaker 1: friendships to a deeper level.
2:57
Speaker 2: Great question, Hi, Alexis.
3:00
Speaker 1: And listening to your podcast for years and years, Love
3:02
Speaker 1: Love Love. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm missing the silly,
3:06
Speaker 1: unseerious relationships in my life. For context, my partner is
3:10
Speaker 1: generally a more serious person, and I used to spend
3:13
Speaker 1: a lot of time with my sisters and childhood friends,
3:16
Speaker 1: but because of jobs, moving, etc. I don't spend as
3:19
Speaker 1: much time with them anymore. I love all my newer friendships, however,
3:22
Speaker 1: they don't have the same energy as childhood friendships. Often
3:26
Speaker 1: the times we hang out are a lot shorter and
3:28
Speaker 1: it consists of meeting for a coffee et cetera. We
3:31
Speaker 1: obviously don't know that much about each other, so we're
3:33
Speaker 1: usually chatting about life, our opinions, our past, etc. And
3:37
Speaker 1: it's generally a serious conversation. My question really is, how
3:41
Speaker 1: do I take these new friendships to that level where
3:43
Speaker 1: we can just visit each other's houses and be completely ourselves,
3:47
Speaker 1: be silly and laugh and not have to make plans
3:49
Speaker 1: or worry about awkward silences. I hope this makes sense.
3:52
Speaker 1: Sorry it's so long winded. Thank you in advance. Not
3:55
Speaker 1: long winded at all, and that is a great question.
3:58
Speaker 1: So I think I spoke about this in the podcast
4:01
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago, if not months ago, but
4:03
Speaker 1: it was something that I came across on someone else's podcast.
4:06
Speaker 1: Now I would love to quote which podcast it was.
4:08
Speaker 1: I feel terrible that I can't remember who it was
4:10
Speaker 1: that said this, but some host it was, I'm pretty
4:12
Speaker 1: sure it was an Australian podcast mentioned that they had
4:15
Speaker 1: come across this concept and I fucking really resonated with it.
4:20
Speaker 1: And it was the concept of catch up friends, like
4:23
Speaker 1: not falling into the trap for catch up friend So basically,
4:27
Speaker 1: you've got your friendships and this is where the childhood
4:29
Speaker 1: friendships feel so nostalgic, or the early twenties or the
4:33
Speaker 1: university friends, or you know when you just got out
4:35
Speaker 1: of high school, or even in high school, those friendships
4:38
Speaker 1: are such like they hold such like there we placed
4:42
Speaker 1: them in such a high level in our life because
4:44
Speaker 1: they would just experience after experience after experience. You were
4:47
Speaker 1: doing things all the time. It was fucking hilarious. There
4:50
Speaker 1: wasn't this concept of catching up now. And when I
4:55
Speaker 1: say now, for many people as adults, a lot of
4:57
Speaker 1: friendships end up being, oh my god, we haven't tend
5:00
Speaker 1: each other in ages, babe, let's catch up. So then
5:03
Speaker 1: you schedule a catch up because you miss this person.
5:05
Speaker 1: And then you sit there and the entire interaction is
5:10
Speaker 1: you telling your friend literally catching up on your life,
5:13
Speaker 1: being like, this is what's been happening, this is what's
5:15
Speaker 1: happening with my job. I'm keeping you up to date
5:16
Speaker 1: with all the important things that have happened in my
5:18
Speaker 1: life because we haven't caught up, and vice versa. And
5:21
Speaker 1: then you leave that date being like, oh, that's nice
5:24
Speaker 1: that I now am caught up on that person's life.
5:27
Speaker 1: But then you're kind of like, we did not forge
5:30
Speaker 1: any new memories like that, nothing about that is memorable
5:35
Speaker 1: because apart from obviously like learning about where they're at
5:37
Speaker 1: in their life, and that's all that's important. But when
5:40
Speaker 1: you have the other friendships, like from your past, they're
5:43
Speaker 1: often ones where you are already quite heavily involved in
5:46
Speaker 1: their life, so there isn't that need to do the
5:49
Speaker 1: catch up because you're always doing these mini catchups without
5:52
Speaker 1: realizing that it's a catch up, right, So I guess
5:55
Speaker 1: what you have to ask yourself is how many times
5:58
Speaker 1: or how many these friendships in my current adult life
6:02
Speaker 1: am I doing things where I am creating new experiences
6:07
Speaker 1: or are these just really lovely people who I fucking love?
6:10
Speaker 1: And there's potential to build like fun as spontaneous friendships
6:15
Speaker 1: with these people, but all we ever do is fall
6:17
Speaker 1: into the trap of just catching up. Because what happens
6:20
Speaker 1: when you fall into the trap of just catching up
6:21
Speaker 1: is they're the friends and it's not no shade on anyone.
6:25
Speaker 2: We've all got our shit going on. Whatever. This is
6:27
Speaker 2: not a judgment that I'm going to.
6:28
Speaker 1: Make, But they're the kinds of catchups that you often
6:30
Speaker 1: will cancel out of or postpone or be like oh yeah,
6:36
Speaker 1: because it's not exciting, not offense, but it's not especially
6:40
Speaker 1: if that if all you ever do with this person
6:42
Speaker 1: is catch up, you know, it's kind of like, well,
6:44
Speaker 1: I haven't we haven't forged any new memories, so now
6:47
Speaker 1: our entire friendship is just like a back and forth.
6:49
Speaker 2: Might as well be fucking pempals at this point, you.
6:51
Speaker 1: Know, like, what are we doing to actually prolong and
6:56
Speaker 1: you know, strengthen this friendship? And the things that's streng
7:00
Speaker 1: and friendships and also romantic relationships are actually happy moments
7:05
Speaker 1: enjoyed together. Of course, being there for your friend during
7:09
Speaker 1: the hard times is fucking crucial. That's what makes like
7:11
Speaker 1: a solid friend. But the things that strengthen relationships is
7:14
Speaker 1: actually the good times shared together. So whether that be romantically,
7:18
Speaker 1: or whether that be with your family or with your friends,
7:21
Speaker 1: it's what how much effort and time are you putting
7:23
Speaker 1: into good fun moments. So you're already a step ahead
7:29
Speaker 1: in the sense that you've got a new bunch of friends.
7:32
Speaker 2: I don't know how many, one, two, fucking ten, doesn't matter.
7:36
Speaker 1: You like their company, You would like to do more
7:39
Speaker 1: with them because you.
7:40
Speaker 2: Like their company. So it's tick tick tick tick tick.
7:42
Speaker 2: All these things are working for you.
7:43
Speaker 1: You also have a very strong foundation with your old
7:46
Speaker 1: friendships like your sister and your other friends who you
7:48
Speaker 1: no longer lived nearby, as like the benchmark of what
7:52
Speaker 1: you know you enjoy experiencing within a friendship.
7:54
Speaker 2: So these are all great things. What I would recommend.
7:56
Speaker 1: You douse the next time you hang up with these
7:59
Speaker 1: new friends of yours. Don't do a coffee, don't even
8:02
Speaker 1: do a lunch or a breakfast, or don't do a meal.
8:06
Speaker 1: Just say, babe, random, but do you want to do
8:10
Speaker 1: something like? Do you want to fucking go to an
8:11
Speaker 1: escape room? And the reason I say escape room? You
8:14
Speaker 1: can do literally anything you want. But the reason I
8:16
Speaker 1: say escape room, And I think I told you guys
8:18
Speaker 1: about this earlier, but escape rooms are honestly the fucking
8:24
Speaker 1: funnest thing you're ever going to do.
8:25
Speaker 2: And it's hysterical right like you're trying to work something
8:29
Speaker 2: out and you're under a time crunch.
8:31
Speaker 1: You are literally forging memories then and there on the spot.
8:36
Speaker 1: It's fucking hilarious. I did it with my cousins not
8:38
Speaker 1: that long ago, a few months ago. We went, like
8:41
Speaker 1: my sister, myself and three of my cousins we went
8:45
Speaker 1: to this escape room and it was we were in
8:47
Speaker 1: tears of laughter for so much of it.
8:49
Speaker 2: It was just everything about it. I can't whatever, Like
8:53
Speaker 2: I think about it.
8:53
Speaker 1: And I laugh something like that, like let's just do
8:57
Speaker 1: something fucking random and then after see where the night
9:01
Speaker 1: takes you feel like, let's go grab a wine now,
9:03
Speaker 1: or let's go grab a bite to eat or a
9:05
Speaker 1: coffee or a piece of cake, whatever it is. But
9:08
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is, what can you do? What can
9:10
Speaker 1: you suggest that is a random experience that becomes a
9:16
Speaker 1: new memory. Okay, because every time you sit down for
9:19
Speaker 1: a coffee to just quote unquote catch up and talk
9:21
Speaker 1: about that person's life and my person's life.
9:23
Speaker 2: That's great and part of a friendship.
9:25
Speaker 1: But if that's the only aspect of a friendship, then
9:27
Speaker 1: you're not remembering the last time you caught.
9:29
Speaker 2: Up because it was just a catch up, right. You
9:31
Speaker 2: didn't forge a new memory in that moment.
9:33
Speaker 1: So this is what I think is crucial in a friendship.
9:38
Speaker 1: It's well rounded. You need your catchups, you need to
9:40
Speaker 1: have those conversations, but you also need to level.
9:44
Speaker 2: That out with new fun experiences where you're doing fun,
9:46
Speaker 2: playful things that playful.
9:49
Speaker 1: Aspect of a friendship shouldn't stop just because you've got
9:52
Speaker 1: a full time job. It's just crazy. I think we
9:54
Speaker 1: think as adults, Oh now everything's more serious. Now I've
9:57
Speaker 1: got dependents. Now I've got a mortgage, Now I work
10:00
Speaker 1: nine to five. Who cares that fun spontaneity? You know
10:05
Speaker 1: you want that to exist your entire life.
10:08
Speaker 2: But so many.
10:09
Speaker 1: Adults just tape or off it, and then they don't
10:11
Speaker 1: have it, and then they wonder why they're miserable. It's
10:12
Speaker 1: because you're not intentionally having spontaneous fun. You've got to
10:17
Speaker 1: put in the effort to have spontaneous fun. It was
10:19
Speaker 1: easier back in the day to have spontaneous fun because
10:21
Speaker 1: our lifestyle supported it. More like high school less, you know,
10:25
Speaker 1: have no fucking responsibilities other than your homework. UNI those
10:29
Speaker 1: times were like university. For those of you that are
10:31
Speaker 1: in Australian those times are like, yeah, I'm kind of
10:34
Speaker 1: put in a situation where I have no choice but
10:36
Speaker 1: to have spontaneous fun. As you get older, you have
10:39
Speaker 1: to put in more effort towards doing that. But I'm
10:41
Speaker 1: telling you right now, if you can start suggesting things
10:44
Speaker 1: that are not we're going to sit around and just
10:46
Speaker 1: catch up. You're gonna feel so much better. And then
10:48
Speaker 1: after you do those things, then you say, guys, I'm
10:49
Speaker 1: gonna have a cook up at mine.
10:51
Speaker 2: Everyone has to.
10:51
Speaker 1: Bring like whatever, and I'm gonna be making pasta and
10:55
Speaker 1: you know, one person chooses their brom com or One
10:57
Speaker 1: thing that I saw that was really cool is where
10:59
Speaker 1: you get people to create a slide show on anything
11:04
Speaker 1: and it has to be a presentation and you do
11:06
Speaker 1: the presentation up on the TV screen and it could
11:09
Speaker 1: be like a slideshow of what I do for a
11:11
Speaker 1: job because no one knows what I do, and it's
11:13
Speaker 1: really funny, or a slideshof all the people have dated
11:15
Speaker 1: in my life, like any topic, any topic that person wants,
11:19
Speaker 1: and they do a slide show on that top and
11:20
Speaker 1: it's just a fun fucking night.
11:22
Speaker 2: Right.
11:23
Speaker 1: So yeah, just get really creative on what those things
11:26
Speaker 1: could be and start suggesting it to these new friends,
11:29
Speaker 1: because I can guarantee you if they like you as
11:31
Speaker 1: much as you like them, they're going to leap at
11:33
Speaker 1: the opportunity. They probably feel the exact same way. Okay,
11:37
Speaker 1: next question, I love the title of this subject. Can
11:41
Speaker 1: I accept differences with my sister Hey, I love your
11:45
Speaker 1: podcast and just recently found it very helpful to my life.
11:48
Speaker 1: That being said, I have a dilemma in my life
11:50
Speaker 1: that I'm trying to navigate. My little sister and I
11:52
Speaker 1: have lived similar lives in different fonts. We constantly bicker
11:56
Speaker 1: as siblings, as siblings do, but it comes to a
11:59
Speaker 1: point where she's simply never apologizes to me for our bickers,
12:02
Speaker 1: and I've voiced that she can't treat me that way,
12:05
Speaker 1: and nothing's changed. I've gone back and forth with this
12:08
Speaker 1: since she is my little sister, but at some point
12:10
Speaker 1: it's just me allowing her to keep doing something that
12:13
Speaker 1: hurts my feelings and not owning up to it or
12:15
Speaker 1: trying to change. So I guess my question is, actually,
12:18
Speaker 1: how do I know it's time to cut my losses
12:20
Speaker 1: when it comes to family, not wanting to compromise for
12:23
Speaker 1: the betterment of the relationship. Okay, there's two things that
12:26
Speaker 1: I'm going to say here, two phrases that I say
12:28
Speaker 1: all the time. Number one, manage your expectations and number two,
12:31
Speaker 1: teach people how to treat you so it doesn't matter
12:34
Speaker 1: who the fuk the person is in your life. You
12:36
Speaker 1: need to the first one, most important, more than anything
12:39
Speaker 1: else in the world is manage your expectations. So what
12:43
Speaker 1: I'm saying by this is you know, probably more than
12:46
Speaker 1: anyone else in the world, how your sister responds, how
12:50
Speaker 1: she bickers, how she behaves, what makes her snap when
12:53
Speaker 1: she's more likely to try and piss you off, why
12:55
Speaker 1: she enjoys to like maybe trigger.
12:57
Speaker 2: You, quote unquote.
12:59
Speaker 1: You probably under stand that better than most people. The
13:02
Speaker 1: only person that probably knows her better is herself. Okay,
13:05
Speaker 1: So you have a very very good understanding. What most
13:08
Speaker 1: of us struggle with is knowing the difference between, you know,
13:13
Speaker 1: expecting something from someone because it's what we would do,
13:16
Speaker 1: versus understanding that just because we would do something, it
13:19
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that that person would do something. So just
13:22
Speaker 1: because you would apologize for bickering, you're expecting her to
13:25
Speaker 1: apologize for bickering. So you still engage in the bickering
13:28
Speaker 1: with her. You still engage in these conversations and in
13:31
Speaker 1: these fights, and in these in the belittling and the
13:33
Speaker 1: back and forth and the text the or the whatever
13:35
Speaker 1: you're engaging, right, you're giving it air time and expecting
13:39
Speaker 1: a different result every single time. So without offending you,
13:42
Speaker 1: without trying to be offensive is if you keep doing it,
13:45
Speaker 1: you're the full. Unfortunately, it sucks even if you're the
13:48
Speaker 1: polite one, even if you're the bigger person, even.
13:51
Speaker 2: If you're doing all the things, Ultimately you end up
13:54
Speaker 2: being the full. And I've been there.
13:56
Speaker 1: We've all fucking been there, and it's frustrating because you're
13:59
Speaker 1: expecting self one to be emotionally mature to understand when
14:04
Speaker 1: they've hurt someone else. You've got all these expectations because
14:07
Speaker 1: you would do that, because you have a morally sound compass. Right,
14:13
Speaker 1: she may not have that for many reasons. She doesn't
14:15
Speaker 1: see it, she doesn't want to. The point is it's
14:18
Speaker 1: not your job to teach her how to behave. So
14:22
Speaker 1: given that it's not your job to teach her how
14:24
Speaker 1: to behave, because she's a woman, a grown adult, as
14:26
Speaker 1: are you, you then have to revert to managing your expectations.
14:30
Speaker 1: If someone is always trying to get you to bite
14:32
Speaker 1: the bait, you have to find ways of not biting
14:36
Speaker 1: the bait.
14:37
Speaker 2: I'm not engaging.
14:38
Speaker 1: If someone makes a comment, you can just say that
14:40
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not fucking biting.
14:42
Speaker 2: If they keep going back and back and back and back.
14:44
Speaker 1: You don't reply, right, you keep your cool, you teach,
14:49
Speaker 1: and then so that that's one manager expectations. I'm not
14:51
Speaker 1: here to teach her a lesson. I'm not expecting her
14:54
Speaker 1: to see things through the lens that I see them.
14:56
Speaker 1: No matter what, I've.
14:57
Speaker 2: Got to look at.
14:59
Speaker 1: Her and her actions and come up with a conclusion
15:02
Speaker 1: based on the years and years and years of past
15:04
Speaker 1: behavior that I have access to and that I know
15:07
Speaker 1: how she behaves. Okay, so if I don't manage my expectations,
15:11
Speaker 1: then I'm the one who's going to suffer. Then you
15:14
Speaker 1: teach people how to treat you. The next step after
15:17
Speaker 1: that is when the moment this thing starts, the bickering,
15:21
Speaker 1: the whatever, you tap out, you tune out. And this
15:25
Speaker 1: is where a lot of people can't handle it. A
15:27
Speaker 1: lot of people need to have the last word, especially
15:30
Speaker 1: when they know that they're right. They're like, yeah, but
15:31
Speaker 1: it's unfair, it's unfair. Okay, You've got two options, your
15:34
Speaker 1: sanity or being right what's it going to be? Or
15:38
Speaker 1: cutting out a family member, which I think might be
15:41
Speaker 1: too extreme. I don't think you need to cut her out.
15:43
Speaker 1: I don't think because you're saying you know who doesn't
15:46
Speaker 1: want to compromise for the betterment of the relationship. You've
15:48
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, how good is my relationship with
15:50
Speaker 1: my sister overall?
15:51
Speaker 2: If it's fucking shit in.
15:54
Speaker 1: Every angle that you look at it, then yeah, okay,
15:56
Speaker 1: distance yourself completely because you get an absolutely fucking nothing
15:59
Speaker 1: out of it. But if there's good things within that
16:02
Speaker 1: relationship that can be salvaged, then what I would do
16:05
Speaker 1: is I would pick my battles. I would pick my battles,
16:08
Speaker 1: and I would teach someone how to treat me. I
16:09
Speaker 1: would be like, I'm never biting de bait again.
16:11
Speaker 2: I don't care.
16:12
Speaker 1: You could say the most outrageous thing, outrageous thing that's
16:15
Speaker 1: so untrue, but I know where you're coming from, and
16:18
Speaker 1: I can read you like a fucking book, and we're
16:20
Speaker 1: not falling for it this time, not fucking falling for it.
16:23
Speaker 1: I don't have to justify I don't have to excuse myself.
16:27
Speaker 1: I don't have to prove anything to you. If you
16:29
Speaker 1: want to make a statement that you think is going
16:31
Speaker 1: to piss me off, go for gold. But you're going
16:34
Speaker 1: to be speaking to a blank wall because I'm not interested. Okay,
16:37
Speaker 1: I'm removing myself and the thing is that the more
16:39
Speaker 1: you do this, they get bored. I can guarantee you
16:42
Speaker 1: they get bored. They engage people like this, whether they're
16:46
Speaker 1: a narcissists, whether they're just trying to piss you off
16:49
Speaker 1: for the sake of pissing you off, doesn't matter.
16:50
Speaker 2: Whatever, however you want to level them.
16:53
Speaker 1: People like this engage when they get something out of it.
16:56
Speaker 1: The moment they stop getting something out of it, they
16:59
Speaker 1: move on to the next target.
17:01
Speaker 2: It's boring for them. It's boring.
17:04
Speaker 1: Okay, it's kind of conditioning. You've got to condition people.
17:07
Speaker 1: Teach people how to treat you. Okay, if you don't
17:11
Speaker 1: engage for the first time, they're like, oh, fucking get
17:14
Speaker 1: you out, crack you second time, fifth time, tenth time.
17:16
Speaker 2: They're over it. They're fucking over it. They need a
17:18
Speaker 2: new victim.
17:19
Speaker 1: They need a new victim to make this back and forth,
17:22
Speaker 1: you know, prodding.
17:24
Speaker 2: Enjoyable for them. It's not enjoyable if they don't get
17:27
Speaker 2: a reaction. Okay, So manage your expectations. You're not gonna
17:30
Speaker 2: get an apology from her.
17:31
Speaker 1: If you're gonna keep expecting an apology, yeah, you might
17:33
Speaker 1: as well cut her out because you're gonna go insane.
17:35
Speaker 2: It's not gonna happen. And then the second one, you
17:38
Speaker 2: teach people how to treat you.
17:39
Speaker 1: Those two statements will save you if you can abide
17:44
Speaker 1: by them, they will fucking save you. So stick to it,
17:47
Speaker 1: see it through, and I can tell you right now
17:50
Speaker 1: you will.
17:51
Speaker 2: Fucking I'm telling you.
17:52
Speaker 1: Right now, you will feel so much better in her
17:54
Speaker 1: company because you're going to feel in control. Your problem
17:57
Speaker 1: right now is that you feel like you are not
17:58
Speaker 1: in control, feel like you were owed something from her.
18:01
Speaker 2: You probably are, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
18:03
Speaker 2: Let it go.
18:04
Speaker 1: You feel like you are not in control, and you
18:06
Speaker 1: aren't in control because you can't control other people. The
18:10
Speaker 1: only thing you can do is control yourself. I'm going
18:11
Speaker 1: to control how I fucking what I expect from you.
18:15
Speaker 1: I can control that, and I can control how I
18:18
Speaker 1: behave around you to at least let you know what
18:22
Speaker 1: the parameters are, what I'm willing and not willing to
18:24
Speaker 1: put up with.
18:25
Speaker 2: Okay, fucking simple sense.
18:34
Speaker 1: Next question, This one is losing my man and myself. Hi, Alexis,
18:41
Speaker 1: I love your potties so much and would appreciate some
18:44
Speaker 1: advice in my situation. My ex and I broke up
18:46
Speaker 1: a few months ago. For context, we're both twenty two
18:49
Speaker 1: now and have been together for three years, and we
18:51
Speaker 1: were living together. I decided to end things because I
18:55
Speaker 1: felt in my gut that he wasn't my person and
18:57
Speaker 1: there were potentially a few things I really wanted in
18:59
Speaker 1: a part more of a best friend, vibe with same humor,
19:03
Speaker 1: and could easily be fun with my friends, etc. Don't
19:06
Speaker 1: get me wrong, though, he was an amazing guy and
19:08
Speaker 1: treated me so well. Basically, we have broken up and
19:11
Speaker 1: I'm heartbroken and I miss him so much. I don't
19:13
Speaker 1: know if I've made a mistake and my I don't
19:16
Speaker 1: know if I have made a mistake and my new
19:19
Speaker 1: life I have no joy in. When the weekends come,
19:21
Speaker 1: I dread them because I don't have anything to do
19:24
Speaker 1: when these would usually be time I would have spent
19:27
Speaker 1: with my boyfriend. All my friends have boyfriends as well,
19:29
Speaker 1: and so I'm finding it hard to connect and do
19:31
Speaker 1: things to distract me. Basically, my question is, how do
19:34
Speaker 1: I know I have fucked up and given up a guy,
19:37
Speaker 1: given up on a guy who has treaded me so well,
19:39
Speaker 1: and be able to move on. What is your advice
19:42
Speaker 1: to get over a heartbreak when they haven't done anything wrong. Slush,
19:45
Speaker 1: you're not angry at them? How do I find joy
19:47
Speaker 1: in life again? I'm really struggling. Thank you, Okay. I
19:51
Speaker 1: think it's important to always remind yourself of the core
19:54
Speaker 1: reasons why you pulled the plug on the relationship. I'm
19:56
Speaker 1: sure this decision wasn't on a whim, Like you've been
19:59
Speaker 1: together for three years for you to make that decision this,
20:02
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you, and you know well in yourself
20:04
Speaker 1: that this wasn't an overnight like, oh my god, I'm
20:08
Speaker 1: just over him.
20:09
Speaker 2: I'm gonna dump him, you know, Like, I'm sure that this.
20:11
Speaker 1: Was playing on your mind for a while, and you
20:14
Speaker 1: have to remind yourself of the mindset or the headspace
20:17
Speaker 1: that you were in at the time when you were
20:20
Speaker 1: kind of going round and round and round to come
20:22
Speaker 1: to the conclusion to end the relationship.
20:24
Speaker 2: Right.
20:25
Speaker 1: So there's you don't want to dishonor that side of
20:29
Speaker 1: you that made that difficult decision, right, And it would
20:32
Speaker 1: have been difficult if this person is a really great guy,
20:35
Speaker 1: because it's hard to end a relationship with someone who
20:38
Speaker 1: treats you well, is lovely, is not a red flag
20:40
Speaker 1: you just think, I just don't say a future in this,
20:42
Speaker 1: so like that would have been a hard decision. So
20:44
Speaker 1: for you to get to that decision and follow through,
20:47
Speaker 1: I think you would have had some really significant and strong.
20:51
Speaker 2: Reasons to do so. So don't forget that. Okay.
20:55
Speaker 1: The next thing you want to remind yourself is that
20:58
Speaker 1: this is the time where we feel our weaker, like
21:00
Speaker 1: when we're lonely, when we're vulnerable. You're, of course you're
21:02
Speaker 1: going to miss him because he was a good guy.
21:05
Speaker 1: So of course you're then going to start to the brain.
21:08
Speaker 1: We our psychology, we love to be safe. Okay, So
21:13
Speaker 1: whenever there's the bias towards safety, our head is likely
21:17
Speaker 1: going to go there unless you've got something that's distracting
21:19
Speaker 1: or a stronger pull in the opposite direction. So the
21:22
Speaker 1: safety quote unquote was feeling like you had company, feeling
21:26
Speaker 1: like you were supported, feeling like it's someone that traded
21:28
Speaker 1: you right, feeling that you were in a relationship when
21:30
Speaker 1: all your other friends are in relationships.
21:33
Speaker 2: So that represented.
21:34
Speaker 1: This bubble that you were in, and you weren't that
21:37
Speaker 1: happy in the bubble because you left it. But when
21:39
Speaker 1: you leave it, you're looking at your past through rose
21:41
Speaker 1: colored lenses, and you're focusing on all the things that
21:44
Speaker 1: you're missing right now, but you're not reminding yourself of
21:47
Speaker 1: the real, deep, important reasons as to why you left. Okay,
21:52
Speaker 1: So this is what I would suggest you do. I
21:54
Speaker 1: think I wouldn't run back into his arms because I
21:57
Speaker 1: just feel like I do feel like you made the
21:59
Speaker 1: right decision. I feel like twenty two to feel that
22:02
Speaker 1: way and to know that that's how you feel when
22:04
Speaker 1: you've got so much experiences ahead of you. I think
22:08
Speaker 1: I do think you've made the right decision.
22:09
Speaker 2: I don't know you from a bar reslop.
22:11
Speaker 1: I don't know this guy from a bar reslap, but
22:12
Speaker 1: I think you need to stick it out and really
22:15
Speaker 1: focus on yourself and your growth and things that you
22:17
Speaker 1: can really be doing for you. So here's a couple
22:19
Speaker 1: of things that I would recommend, not apart from go
22:22
Speaker 1: and listen to all my breakup episodes because there's heaps
22:25
Speaker 1: in there. I've got an episode that came out recently
22:28
Speaker 1: about how to you know, leave someone in the past,
22:30
Speaker 1: like a couple of weeks ago or months ago, I should.
22:32
Speaker 2: Say, but here's what you're going to do.
22:35
Speaker 1: Firstly, you're going to kick your fucking friends up the
22:38
Speaker 1: asshole and say, guys, let's do something. You know what,
22:41
Speaker 1: people are capable of leaving their boyfriends at home?
22:44
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
22:44
Speaker 1: Like, you can leave your boyfriend at home and we
22:48
Speaker 1: can go and do something.
22:50
Speaker 2: To me, there is nothing more frustrating than those friendship groups.
22:53
Speaker 1: I'm sure they're lovely people. I'm not no shade on
22:55
Speaker 1: your friends, but there's nothing more annoying than friendship groups
22:57
Speaker 1: that are like, we all have partners, so we change
23:00
Speaker 1: our behavior versus when we do have parties.
23:02
Speaker 2: It's like, no, no, no, no, no no, no, can't.
23:05
Speaker 1: Your relationship is not shouldn't change who you are as
23:08
Speaker 1: an individual. It changes aspects of your personal life, It
23:12
Speaker 1: changes aspects of your time management because obviously now you
23:14
Speaker 1: have to divide your time, but it shouldn't change who
23:17
Speaker 1: you are. Like, I don't change just because I'm with
23:20
Speaker 1: Tyrone versus when I wasn't with Tyrone. Who I show
23:23
Speaker 1: up to my friends when Tyrone isn't there and even
23:25
Speaker 1: when Tyrone is there. But I'm saying, like, how I
23:27
Speaker 1: show up to my friends is the same fucking person.
23:30
Speaker 2: Right? Do I have as much free time?
23:33
Speaker 1: No, but I still make a lot of time for
23:36
Speaker 1: my friends, and I make sure that it's time where
23:38
Speaker 1: it's just the girls. Then we do socializing with the
23:41
Speaker 1: couples as well, because all our boyfriends are friends now
23:43
Speaker 1: because we've kind of forced them to be friends and
23:46
Speaker 1: they love each other. But a lot of the time
23:48
Speaker 1: we socialize, it's without the guys.
23:50
Speaker 2: It's not like WHOA were fucking attached at the hip now.
23:53
Speaker 1: We're No, I can't, and I think you need to
23:55
Speaker 1: raise this with your friends gently, kindly, but raise it
23:59
Speaker 1: with your friends, being like, guys love so much that
24:00
Speaker 1: you're in happy relationships and I plan to be in
24:03
Speaker 1: one as well.
24:03
Speaker 2: But let's just.
24:04
Speaker 1: Let's not lose the essence of our group and can
24:07
Speaker 1: we fucking hang out just the girls? You know, I
24:10
Speaker 1: think it's really important, and you know, and or the
24:14
Speaker 1: boor whoever likes.
24:15
Speaker 2: It's not a gender related thing.
24:17
Speaker 1: It's I think you should always maintain that friendship thing
24:19
Speaker 1: and not feel like you've got to bring your partners
24:21
Speaker 1: along or not feel like you can't go because you
24:23
Speaker 1: have a partner. That is just craziness. We're not cemented
24:26
Speaker 1: to our partners. We need to you know. And also
24:30
Speaker 1: when it comes to like a longevity in a friendship,
24:32
Speaker 1: it's important that you actually prioritize the friendship as an
24:35
Speaker 1: isolated thing and not try and you know, bring your
24:38
Speaker 1: partner to everything or you know, you know.
24:41
Speaker 2: What I mean. So that's one thing.
24:43
Speaker 1: The next thing that I think you should do is
24:46
Speaker 1: look at ways that you can like fill the void.
24:49
Speaker 1: I mentioned this in my breakup podcasts, But when there
24:52
Speaker 1: is a breakup, whether you end it or whether someone
24:54
Speaker 1: else ends it, especially if you don't have anger to
24:57
Speaker 1: lean on, because anger, well, you don't want to sit
24:59
Speaker 1: in anger too long. It's a really good stepping stone
25:02
Speaker 1: emotion to get you to a more empowered state like
25:05
Speaker 1: I'm angry. Now I've got a fire under my belly,
25:07
Speaker 1: and now I can actually do you know, a fire
25:08
Speaker 1: in my belly.
25:09
Speaker 2: Now I can actually go and you know, like feel
25:11
Speaker 2: more motivated or feel you.
25:13
Speaker 1: Know, if there's no anger, it's kind of like, oh,
25:15
Speaker 1: I feel a little bit disempowered. I miss I this,
25:17
Speaker 1: and you feel quite low and powerless. So what I
25:21
Speaker 1: would recommend you do is identify the void, which you
25:24
Speaker 1: clearly have. The weekends, you know, you feel like you're lonelier,
25:28
Speaker 1: you feel like you don't have this person that really
25:30
Speaker 1: cared for you, and you got to You've got to
25:32
Speaker 1: fill that void with something it's really important. If it's
25:34
Speaker 1: not going to be your friends, then start doing something
25:36
Speaker 1: that you never.
25:36
Speaker 2: Used to do.
25:37
Speaker 1: Start rewriting who this new version of yourself is. Because
25:41
Speaker 1: if you're sitting there really honing in on that void,
25:44
Speaker 1: it's going to take you a lot longer to move
25:46
Speaker 1: on from this because your focus is now the empty
25:49
Speaker 1: space that has been left behind after this person is
25:52
Speaker 1: no longer in your life. So then it feels so
25:55
Speaker 1: much harder. If you were to feel and I'm not
25:56
Speaker 1: saying go move Overseas, but if you were to like
25:59
Speaker 1: move over, that void would be much much, much smaller
26:02
Speaker 1: because your routines would be different, what you'd be doing,
26:04
Speaker 1: who you'd be seeing, like, your awareness would be filled
26:07
Speaker 1: with so much new shit that you would be able to,
26:11
Speaker 1: you know, start to rebuild yourself quite quickly because of
26:15
Speaker 1: all these crazy.
26:16
Speaker 2: New experiences that you're having.
26:17
Speaker 1: So you know, my solution to everything is not move overseas,
26:19
Speaker 1: although it sounds like it, But what I'm saying is
26:22
Speaker 1: what can you do within the realm of what you
26:25
Speaker 1: want to do that can start to fill the void.
26:28
Speaker 2: What can you start doing on your weekends? What?
26:30
Speaker 1: Like?
26:30
Speaker 2: What? What? There's a million things? Is it a hobby?
26:33
Speaker 1: Is it people that maybe there's someone that lives a
26:35
Speaker 1: little bit further away. You're like, you know what, I'm
26:36
Speaker 1: gonna drive down and see this person that lives a
26:38
Speaker 1: little bit further away. Or I'm gonna fly somewhere for
26:41
Speaker 1: the weekend that's not even that far. Or I'm gonna
26:43
Speaker 1: are you're an outdoorsy person, are you not? What kind
26:45
Speaker 1: of hobbies? That's the thing that you need to focus on.
26:48
Speaker 1: So it's filling the void. It's reminding yourself of the
26:50
Speaker 1: real reasons why you actually ended things with him. Don't
26:53
Speaker 1: just a cave because then you're going to return back
26:57
Speaker 1: to that relationship and then you're gonna feel the exact
26:59
Speaker 1: same way after the second Hundhman faces has happened, and
27:02
Speaker 1: then you're like, for fox sake, now I need to
27:04
Speaker 1: break this guy's heart again because I was right the
27:06
Speaker 1: first time.
27:07
Speaker 2: Right, So you've got to stick to your stick to
27:10
Speaker 2: what you really know is right.
27:12
Speaker 1: I personally think you made the right decision breaking up
27:15
Speaker 1: with him, and I think you know that deep down
27:18
Speaker 1: in yourself.
27:18
Speaker 2: You've just got to go through.
27:20
Speaker 1: You know, you're in the trenches right now. You need
27:23
Speaker 1: to go through the trenches in order to feel better
27:26
Speaker 1: later on. You're doing yourself a huge service, and you're
27:28
Speaker 1: actually doing him a service as well, because you're allowing
27:31
Speaker 1: him to, you know, get up and on with his life.
27:33
Speaker 1: If you then go back because you feel unstable in
27:36
Speaker 1: your life, you're delaying the inevitable, which is ultimately leaving him,
27:40
Speaker 1: and you're wasting his time too. So the fair thing
27:43
Speaker 1: for him and for you is to stick to your
27:46
Speaker 1: guns and stick to where you're at. You're doing the
27:48
Speaker 1: right thing.
27:49
Speaker 2: Guys.
27:49
Speaker 1: That is all for today's episode. Thank you so much
27:51
Speaker 1: for tuning into My head Noise episodes. Love them so much,
27:54
Speaker 1: and you guys apparently love them too, because yeah, the
27:57
Speaker 1: download the grade. So your question send in your head
28:01
Speaker 1: Noise if I've answered one of your questions in the past,
28:04
Speaker 1: and you would like to let me know how that went,
28:07
Speaker 1: if you followed my advice, If you didn't follow my advice,
28:09
Speaker 1: please give me follow ups because I fucking love that shit.
28:12
Speaker 2: Like. We've had people write in being like.
28:14
Speaker 1: I actually moved overseas or I actually went and quit
28:17
Speaker 1: my job and did something else, and it's just really
28:18
Speaker 1: really cool to get a follow up of where you
28:20
Speaker 1: guys are at so good times. Send in your questions
28:24
Speaker 1: or your life updates to the email info at dyfmpod
28:30
Speaker 1: dot com, or you can send in a voice note
28:33
Speaker 1: on the website www dot dyfmpod dot com. As always, guys,
28:39
Speaker 1: love you so much. Please remember be kind to yourself,
28:43
Speaker 1: be kind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone,
28:45
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself. Dunker see you
28:48
Speaker 1: at my live show by the way, since