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129 // Is Rejection Sensitivity in ADHD Making You Lonely · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

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  Do you ever push people away before they're able to reject you?
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  Or do you avoid situations that you might potentially feel rejected in even
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  if you actually want to be there?
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  Do you ever avoid trying something new because you're afraid you might fail
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  and consequently you miss out on opportunities and potential friendships?
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  In today's episode we're going to talk about whether rejection sensitivity in
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  ADHD is actually making you lonelier.
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  Are you tired of feeling like you don't fit in like you're not good enough the
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  way you are in this podcast i will give you the strategies to build god-centered
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  confidence so you can know in your heart that you do belong you are enough and
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  you are made on purpose and with a.
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  Hey friends, welcome to the ADHD with Confidence podcast. I'm your host,
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  Kelsey, and today we're going to talk about the question, is rejection sensitivity
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  in ADHD making you lonely?
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  Now in the intro there, I asked a few questions, and if those resonated with you,
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  I encourage you to stick around for today's episode where we'll talk a little
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  bit about the neuroscience of imagining a positive interaction,
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  and then also the tips that I have if you are struggling with rejection sensitivity
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  and that rejection sensitivity making you feel lonely.
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  Now some of the things to consider here, if you ever in new interactions with
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  people or even with some of your closest friends,
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  do you ever push people away preemptively assuming that they're going to reject you?
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  Are you afraid of being close because you feel like when you are closer to somebody
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  they have more power to hurt to.
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  I see you. I get it. It's so incredibly hard.
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  This is something that I still battle with all the time. That question of, is it worth it?
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  Is it worth it to, you know, be in relationship with people,
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  to let them fully know you, to be vulnerable and authentic?
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  And I just want to encourage you here. In the book ADHD 2.0,
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  it talks about the fact on page 55, it says, the single most important factor
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  in predicting health, longevity, occupational success, income.
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  Leadership ability, and general happiness comes down to one four-letter word. It's love.
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  It also talks about how positive connection or love has incredible healing power.
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  So to answer that question that I essentially just posed to myself as well is,
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  is it worth it? Is it worth it to try?
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  Is it worth it to try to move past that fear of rejection or that perceived rejection?
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  I believe, yes, it is. I do believe we are created for social connection.
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  That's the way God created us.
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  He created us for deep, meaningful connection. And I think that means that it
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  is worth it to try and become aware of what's keeping us from that.
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  Another quote from the ADHD 2.0 book, they took this one from a Harvard Business Review essay.
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  It says, loneliness and weak social connections are associated with a reduction
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  in lifespan similar to that caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day and even greater
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  than that associated with obesity.
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  Loneliness is also associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease,
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  dementia, depression, and anxiety.
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  Below here, it also says it can impair other aspects of executive function such
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  as reasoning and decision making. So that is all having to do with loneliness
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  and weak social connections.
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  Why do I share this with you? Because I think it's important for us to understand
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  during those times where we feel rejected or we fear being rejected and we just want to shut down.
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  We just want to say, no, I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to invest
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  in these relationships. I don't want to talk to that person.
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  I don't want to try because I'm so scared of getting hurt.
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  We need to understand that it is so incredibly important to be connected to other people,
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  to feel fully seen and heard and understood
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  and loved is incredibly important and
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  it is how we are designed even if it is
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  incredibly difficult sometimes so if
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  you sometimes run away from relationships when you fear being
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  rejected or you feel rejected i want to share a few things with you today so
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  the first one i want you to do is to practice curiosity become aware of the
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  times where you're maybe pushing other people away or you're avoiding trying something new,
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  avoiding meeting new people, avoiding social situations for fear of rejection or fear of failure.
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  It's important to start just with this curiosity and compassionate curiosity.
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  Keep in mind, this is not meant to shame or to judge you.
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  Curiosity of when does this come up? Is there a pattern at all to this?
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  And I think it's it's important to kind of see because so often some of these
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  things can be interconnected maybe it's connected to an area of your life where
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  you don't feel content or you don't feel confident and that's the actual thing
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  that you need to work on you know even for me I find I
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  worry sometimes about stepping on other people's toes if I say something and
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  I can take small little things that they say or don't say and walk away from
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  a conversation telling myself I
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  You just lost that friendship, even if I've known them for, you know,
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  15 years, 20 years. They don't like you anymore.
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  They, you know, they're really upset by what you said, even if what I said really
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  wasn't very radical or that bold at all.
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  But it's something that is a pattern for me that I struggle with.
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  And so I've been working on as well, you know, learning to trust my gut and
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  my intuition and sometimes going and talking to that person and saying,
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  hey, was what I said okay?
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  Did I offend you? Because I think so often as women with ADHD.
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  We have been told in the past, you know, you're too much, you're too sensitive,
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  you're too this, you're too that.
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  Why can't you just, you know, be like that other person or, you know,
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  what's wrong with you kind of thing? And these are incredibly hurtful.
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  And it can also mean that we've grown up to become adults who don't trust ourselves.
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  We don't trust what we think about something or what we experience.
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  And so it's going to take time. It's going to take time to understand when a
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  feeling is based on something real and when it is just a perception based on past experience.
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  Something else I want you to think about within this situation is to imagine
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  a positive version of that same situation.
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  So in my situation, I'm thinking of a specific friend and I've had a couple
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  times in the last few months where I've said to her, you know,
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  hey, did I offend you? Did I do something?
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  And every time she kind of laughs thinking like, I have no idea what you're
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  talking about. No, you did not.
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  But even before me talking to her, I think it's important to imagine a more
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  positive version of that situation.
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  Maybe where I see, you know what, this person does value our friendship.
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  And I know that based off of these other times that we have talked,
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  And we've had heart-to-heart conversations where they have, you know,
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  shared that I've been able to help them or where they've encouraged me in my
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  life, where we've spent quality time together.
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  And I think it's important to look at some of those pieces as well when we are
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  so tempted to, you know, just push people away because we're afraid of being
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  hurt or because we feel rejected.
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  In regards to this imagining kind of
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  a positive interaction it actually says and i'll link it
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  below but neuroscience news they say
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  vividly imagining a positive interaction with someone
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  can increase how much you like them and even alter how your brain stores information
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  about that person so during imagined encounters participants developed stronger
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  preferences and brain scans revealed activity patterns similar to those seen
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  when people learn from real rewarding experiences.
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  At the end here, they also say, theoretically, people should be able to learn
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  from merely imagined events.
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  Now think about that for a second. What type of events are you imagining?
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  Are you imagining that people are going to reject you, that they're going to
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  laugh at you, that they're going to push you away, that you're going to fail?
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  Or are you able to switch that
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  and imagine a positive outcome a positive social connection with people where
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  they see the good in you they see you for who you are and you don't need to
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  be perfect nobody is perfect we are human you're allowed to be human i know i this is,
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  This is a surprising one for me sometimes. Somebody reminded me the other day,
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  she said, you know, you are human and you're allowed to be human.
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  And it was such a good reminder for me that I don't need to be perfect.
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  I don't need to show up perfectly or do things perfectly. That's not a thing. That's not possible.
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  So I'm sharing that with you now is that you don't need to be perfect.
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  And that includes in your friendships, in your relationships.
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  There are going to be times where we need to
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  ask for forgiveness or where we need to forgive others
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  so after you've practiced this curiosity and
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  you've imagined a more positive version of that
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  situation i want you to think next of what
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  is beneath the fear that you have is it coming from you know past situations
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  that have occurred and is there forgiveness do you need to forgive other people
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  from the past so that you are not projecting that same situation onto every
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  new relationship and friendship that you have.
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  Do you need to forgive yourself? Maybe the fear has to do with not liking yourself.
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  And that's a tricky one, right? That's one where we need to learn where is that coming from?
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  How can we understand, and this is actually the next point here,
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  is understand your worth and your identity.
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  You need to understand who you are and your value and your strengths and your
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  skill sets and your abilities.
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  You need to understand who you are so that you can learn to like and love yourself
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  as a human being who is imperfect, as we all are.
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  So understanding your worth and identity, your worth in Christ,
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  that you are loved, you are chosen exactly as you are, that you have strengths,
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  that you have abilities, you have gifts, you have needs and values, your core values,
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  and that God has a purpose for your life as well, that he has a calling for your life as well.
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  And And I think knowing this can really help because in some of these situations,
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  like I look at, you know, when I go to a local coffee shop to do some of my work sometimes,
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  sometimes, you know, a comment that somebody makes about how I interrupt people's
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  conversations fairly often.
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  It, in the past, without a doubt, I would have assumed it was negative.
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  I would have assumed that, you know, she thought I was intrusive and rude and
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  I should mind my own business.
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  But now that I know, you know what, I like who I am. I like who God's designed me to be.
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  I like that I have an extroverted personality where I could talk to anybody about anything.
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  I think it can be a gift where I can make people feel welcome,
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  where I can, you know, help people to find a place of belonging.
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  I think that's something that God has given me as a gift and ability.
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  And so when she says that, I still have that moment of hesitation of wondering,
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  Is this a negative thing?
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  And then I look at it and I go, no, you know what? I know who I am. I know who I am in Christ.
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  I know who I've been designed to be, and I'm good with it.
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  And so what I'm saying here with that is that if you're struggling with rejection
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  sensitivity and, you know,
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  feeling lonely because you push other people away and you assume that they don't
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  like you, I want you to work on understanding your worth and,
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  and understanding your identity. Who are you? What are the strengths that God's given you?
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  Where are the areas where you have served and loved and helped others well?
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  And it's not going to be the same for everybody. Maybe you're up on a stage
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  speaking in front of hundreds of people, or maybe you're behind the scenes and
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  you're helping people one-on-one.
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  Those are both equally valuable in God's eyes, and that's what really matters.
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  Number four, if you are struggling with rejection sensitivity and it's making
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  you feel lonelier, I want you to practice having honest conversations with people.
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  So that includes speaking up when you feel hurt or rejected,
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  when you are afraid that maybe you hurt somebody.
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  And then I also want you to practice forgiveness and moving past hurts because
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  the reality is, is that we're going to hurt people and people are going to hurt us.
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  Sometimes the reality is also that nothing actually happened and it's a perception,
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  a perception based on a history
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  of feeling rejected by people but especially
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  if it's somebody who you're close with i want you to ask them
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  hey are we good did i hurt you are
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  you mad at me did i say something whatever
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  it is because when we live in that secrecy
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  that is where shame thrives the feeling of not
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  being good enough it thrives in secrecy the enemy
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  wants to use us use that to keep us small to keep us hidden to make us feel
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  like we're not good enough but I think there's power in being honest with people
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  having those conversations with people now you can take this as far as you want
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  to maybe you're not comfortable with doing that you know.
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  Some an acquaintance stranger at the coffee shop
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  for me sometimes I do do that and I'm fine with it
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  but I'm not saying you need to do that I'm just saying with maybe some
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  of your closer relationships practice those honest
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  conversations have those conversations be honest if somebody has actually hurt
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  you if they've said something and it's that hurt that's making you want to push
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  them away but you really genuinely you know the core of who you are you do want
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  to be friends with that person, you do want to be in relationship with them,
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  then it's important to have that conversation and say, hey, you know what?
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  The other day when you said this, I actually found that really hurtful.
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  And at that point, I mean, you can't control the other person.
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  That's up to them, how they respond, and how you move on from there.
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  This can be, as in previous episodes, this can be in all areas of your life,
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  in your marriage, in your parenting, in your friendships, in your work,
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  in all sorts of different relationships.
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  If there's one takeaway I want you to have from today, is I want you to think
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  about what is the cost of pushing people away, of avoiding social situations,
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  avoiding trying something new, avoiding meaningful friendships and relationships
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  because of that fear of rejection.
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  I want you to remember what it says here about the fact that loneliness and
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  weak social connections are associated with a reduction in lifespan.
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  Right we are created for social connection
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  and I think it's important to recognize how
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  meaningful and helpful it can be to have those
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  deep social connections in our lives which can
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  help us then to be motivated to move past this
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  rejection sensitivity to find another way
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  of seeing the situation or sometimes where it is
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  really something that's happened to talk to the person about it
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  or if you aren't sure talk to them about it anyways because those
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  who are close to you who understand you who love you as you
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  are they're going to be happy that you
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  came to say something instead of keeping it secret instead of you know distancing
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  yourself or closing off as a result of this perceived rejection or this fear
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  of being rejected i hope this encourages you and helps you to be able to build
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  deep and meaningful relationships in your life so that you can feel connected.
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  And content and not lonely.
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  I hope you'll join me in the next episode. Don't forget to click that follow
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  button. I look forward to the next one. Until then, God bless.