Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #316 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#316 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: wants answers now. And I finally have got to a
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: place where I've just accepted she's seven and she's going
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: to have a meltdown and it's not because I'm a
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  Speaker 2: bad parent, and it's not because she's a bad kid.
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  Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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  Speaker 2: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: I kind of want to celebrate the fact that it's
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: the end of the week because it feels good to
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: get to Friday. But I'm also mindful that anyone who's
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  Speaker 3: in lockdown right now, it just feels like another day,
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  Speaker 3: and tomorrow will be another day, and it's just another
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  Speaker 3: day if you're in lockdown. So to the half of
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  Speaker 3: Australia who is in lockdown, you have our commiserations and
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  Speaker 3: our sympathy.
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  Speaker 1: But we're doing our best.
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  Speaker 3: To live our lives to the fullest because we're not
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  Speaker 3: not because we want to rub it in, but because
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  Speaker 3: we recognize what a blessing and a privilege that it
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  Speaker 3: is to be able to have a life, and.
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  Speaker 2: We have no idea when it's going to be taken
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  Speaker 2: away from us.
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  Speaker 1: See yeah, yeah, who knows?
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  Speaker 3: By the way we are Justin and Kile course when
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  Speaker 3: with the parents of six kids on the founder of
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  Speaker 3: Happy Families dot com, dot I you, and every Friday
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  Speaker 3: we press pause on our lives and even press pause
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: on the podcast content I guess, and we do this
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: thing called o'ld do Better Tomorrow. If you were to
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  Speaker 3: summarize o'ld do better Tomorrow, Kylie, how how would you
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  Speaker 3: sum it up?
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  Speaker 2: It's really an opportunity for us to reflect on the
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  Speaker 2: week that we've had and the interactions that we've had
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  Speaker 2: as parents with our children and sometimes with ourselves, and
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  Speaker 2: to tease it apart a little bit, yeah, to really
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  Speaker 2: kind of work out you know, we did we nail that?
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  Speaker 2: Do we need to kind of talk about this? Do
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  Speaker 2: we need to do better? Is there a room for improvement?
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  Speaker 3: We believe that the best way to be a better
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  Speaker 3: parent is to be intentional about parenting, and so this
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  Speaker 3: is our chance to reflect and say, hmm, if I
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  Speaker 3: was to revisit this week, what would I do better
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  Speaker 3: if I had to start all over again tomorrow. So
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  Speaker 3: that's the purpose of I'll Do Better Tomorrow. We're going
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  Speaker 3: to share one reflection each based on the week that
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  Speaker 3: was and highlightly, what we or what we need to
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  Speaker 3: do better tomorrow to make it work, and I'm going
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  Speaker 3: to go first.
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  Speaker 1: Do you mind? Never? Okay?
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: So last Saturday we had pretty much several days in bed.
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  Speaker 3: Both had colds, both been fluey. We were still dealing
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  Speaker 3: with a little bit of the residue of that. Pretended
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  Speaker 3: not to be but it's been a really tough week.
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  Speaker 3: Spent a lot more time in bed than normal, and
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  Speaker 3: by Saturday I was just climbing the walls. It was like,
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: we need to be outside, and neither of us could breathe,
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: neither of us could talk. So we put our masks
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  Speaker 3: on and thought, we need to do something outside, away
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  Speaker 3: from people. So I just said we're going in the car.
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  Speaker 3: The kids didn't want to everyone was moaning and complaining.
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  Speaker 2: An hour and a half in the car is never well.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't even know where we were going to go.
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  Speaker 2: I just but it ended up being an hour and
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  Speaker 2: a half in the cart.
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  Speaker 3: We're going to go to the Sunshine Coast. I want
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  Speaker 3: to be on the coast. I want to take a bushwalk,
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  Speaker 3: or I want to walk along the beach, or I
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  Speaker 3: want to do something. Ninety minutes later, we pulled up
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  Speaker 3: out the front of a wonderful outdoor recreation area, not sponsored.
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: Need to just highlight that, not sponsored, but it's somewhere
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  Speaker 3: we've been before. And I just thought, I'm taking the
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  Speaker 3: kids to Bellingham Maze. It's literally one of those hedge
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  Speaker 3: garden mazes that these people have grown, and you pay
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  Speaker 3: a few bucks to go in and you can walk
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  Speaker 3: through the maze, get to the center where there's a
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  Speaker 3: little bit of a fort or a staircase that you
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  Speaker 3: can climb up and have a look at the maze
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  Speaker 3: from the top in the middle to.
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  Speaker 2: Try and work how to get out again.
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  Speaker 3: And we bought a couple of treats for the kids
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  Speaker 3: on the way up, and something remarkable happened. The kids
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  Speaker 3: treated each other nicely in the car the whole way.
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  Speaker 2: The whole way.
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  Speaker 3: It was like they were friends. It was brilliant, and
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  Speaker 3: I thought, oh, we should do this more often. I
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  Speaker 3: was the one that was struggling, like, oh, gosh, an
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  Speaker 3: hour and a half of the car, this is killing
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  Speaker 3: me because with lockdowns and things, we don't do a
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  Speaker 3: lot of travel like that anymore. But it wasn't it
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  Speaker 3: just great to be outside being active in the sun.
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  Speaker 1: And the wind with the kids exploring.
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  Speaker 2: So it was probably a little bit adventurous for us,
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  Speaker 2: both because we've been in bed Or week and the
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  Speaker 2: extra energy required to walk around the maze. I don't
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  Speaker 2: know how many times we walked in and out of
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  Speaker 2: those rows, trying to totally lost find.
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  Speaker 1: Our way out.
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  Speaker 2: But the kids just loved it. And I know at
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  Speaker 2: one point I looked at you and I said, can
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  Speaker 2: we just tell them how to get out of here?
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  Speaker 2: Because I had a really good look at the map
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  Speaker 2: and I had to get into the middle.
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  Speaker 3: They still hadn't made it to the middle, and You're like,
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  Speaker 3: let's just take them to the middle, let's get them
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  Speaker 3: up there, and I was like, no, they're lost. Let's
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  Speaker 3: just let them find their way. We can literally just
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  Speaker 3: walk slowly behind them. And they were running up and
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  Speaker 3: down the maze walls trying to find their way through.
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  Speaker 1: It was great and Miss.
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  Speaker 2: Emily she worked it out. There was a little few
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  Speaker 2: holes in the hedges and she was thinking that she'd
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  Speaker 2: be able to.
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  Speaker 1: Crawl through, Like no, no, no, no, that's against the rules.
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  Speaker 2: Well, not only is it against the rules, they'd worked
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  Speaker 2: out a lot of people had been doing that, and
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  Speaker 2: so there's actually a chicken wire between them, so she
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  Speaker 2: couldn't so she actually had to find the places all
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: by Horsell, so.
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  Speaker 1: The whole thing.
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  Speaker 3: It took them about forty five minutes to get to
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  Speaker 3: the center of the maze, and it was just delightful
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  Speaker 3: to be outdoors to watch the kids soaking up the
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  Speaker 3: sunshine and enjoying a really novel and unusual experience. And
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  Speaker 3: I learned something as well. I learned that a labyrinth
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  Speaker 3: is actually a pathway to follow.
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  Speaker 1: And is different to a maze.
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  Speaker 3: Like in a maze, you can get lost and there's
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  Speaker 3: all those dead ends, but a labyrinth is actually an
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  Speaker 3: ancient design. And we walked a labyrinth while we were
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  Speaker 3: there as well. I thought that was fascinating.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, I didn't read that.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, the whole idea with the labyrinth is that it's
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  Speaker 3: this beautiful design and it's essentially a way to take
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  Speaker 3: the longest pathway to the middle.
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  Speaker 1: That's the way they're design. It's fascinating and so.
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  Speaker 2: Well you did say that because as I walked in,
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  Speaker 2: I was very close to the middle, but then I
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  Speaker 2: kept walking and I got further away from it before
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  Speaker 2: I came back into it.
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  Speaker 3: Isn't it amazing. Yeah, so labyrinth is not a maze.
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  Speaker 3: A labyrinth is an ancient design that takes you from
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  Speaker 3: the outside to the inside in pretty much the longest
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  Speaker 3: possible ways. It's just gorgeous. And then you've got the
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  Speaker 3: maze that the kids explored. We learned stuff. The kids
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  Speaker 3: got to be creative. I got decimated by our eleven
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  Speaker 3: year old and Connect four. They had a big sort
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  Speaker 3: of like a life size game of Connect four.
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  Speaker 2: That I made up for it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you destroyed her destroyed it. It's like you enjoyed.
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  Speaker 3: I can't believe she beat me so well.
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  Speaker 2: I was feeling pretty bad because.
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  Speaker 1: She beat me for one. Yeah, four to one, So I.
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  Speaker 2: Thought I was not going to get anywhere. But the
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  Speaker 2: highlight of my day was we did a game of
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  Speaker 2: mini golf at the at the.
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  Speaker 1: End, and yes, are you going to skyte about.
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  Speaker 2: How I am because it literally is the first time
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  Speaker 2: I have ever even come close to winning. But I
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  Speaker 2: pipped you at the post by one point.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I'm just going to highlight Bellingham Maye does need
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  Speaker 3: to upgrade the quality of their surfaces.
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  Speaker 2: Oh you're gonna blame it on the surface now, Yes,
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  Speaker 2: you were very, very surprised when I got my hole
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  Speaker 2: in one because that would probably be the first time.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, that was pretty cool. Anyway, I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 3: I know it's a bit of a travelog and we've
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  Speaker 3: talked a long time about it, but essentially, when you're
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  Speaker 3: not feeling well, so long as you can do it
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  Speaker 3: in a socially safe way, socially distance way, which we
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  Speaker 3: were able to, there's something amazing about getting outside, getting
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  Speaker 3: the kids outside and just exploring the outdoors. Low key,
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  Speaker 3: doesn't have to be expensive, doesn't have to be heavy duty,
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  Speaker 3: just get outside and do it. It was such a refreshing
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  Speaker 3: way to spend the day and we ended up spending
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  Speaker 3: like three or four hours there, like it took up
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  Speaker 3: most of the day and it felt really nice to
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  Speaker 3: come home. The kids were nice to each other on
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  Speaker 3: the way home as well.
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  Speaker 1: It just was a terrific day. So I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: I think that we should do.
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  Speaker 3: Something again tomorrow that doesn't require a ninety minute car drive,
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  Speaker 3: but we'll definitely get the kids outside.
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  Speaker 1: I like it. We'll find out, Kylie is. I'll do
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  Speaker 1: better tomorrow. After the break.
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: It's a Happy Families podcast for.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: A happier family. Try a Happy Families membership, because a
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: happy family doesn't just happen.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Details at happy families dot com dot au. It's the
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: Happy Famili's podcast, the podcast for the time poor parent
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: who just wants answers now, and today we're sharing our
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: reflections from the week that was okay.
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  Speaker 1: So I had a win.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like I got it right and it just
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: was a great reminder of the importance of getting outdoors
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  Speaker 3: and doing exploratory or creative active things while we connect
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  Speaker 3: with the kids.
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  Speaker 1: What's yours, I'll do better tomorrow, Kyli.
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  Speaker 2: So my reflection comes from an experience that we had
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  Speaker 2: the other night. We had some friends over and Miss
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: Emily at the very end of the night, it was
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  Speaker 2: a bit of a late night.
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  Speaker 1: For I think it was about nine to thirty pm.
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  Speaker 2: And she had a meltdown.
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  Speaker 1: I've got to just say this really clearly though.
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  Speaker 3: If you're a parent who gets really, really really really
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: tied up on rigidity around routines, I get it. But
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: sometimes it's nice to relax, but there is a cost
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: that comes from relaxing, and this is where you're going, right.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, So she had an absolute meltdown. So we invited
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: two families over. We haven't seen them for ages. With
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: all of the restrictions and stuff, we haven't been able
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: to have them over. We were all together in the
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: loundroom there, so the three families all together in the
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: lounde room. We're closing up, things are starting to wind
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: down and we're getting ready to say goodbye, and Emily
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  Speaker 2: just lost it.
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  Speaker 1: Explosiveness massive.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: One of the things that I have struggled with over
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: the years is you have founded happy families and then
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: shared all of your parenting advice.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: How to make families happy.
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  Speaker 2: Is I have really really struggled with dealing with the
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: kids in public right.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Well, when they're not happy themselves.
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  Speaker 2: When they're not happy that's right, and feeling like there's
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: an expectation that I'm going to do something amazing or
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: that why would our children be like that? Because our
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: children would be perfect, wouldn't they.
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  Speaker 3: So what you're saying is every parent experiences parent guilt
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: or embarrassment when the kids behave in ways that are
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: not socially acceptable. But you might feel a little bit
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: of extra pressure being the wife of or being missus
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: happy families.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: Maybe yeah, a little.
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  Speaker 1: So the meltdone happened in front of these two friends.
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  Speaker 2: Of ours, and I finally we have got to a
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  Speaker 2: place where I've just accepted she's seven and she's gonna
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: have a meltdown. And it's not because I'm a bad parent,
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: and it's not because she's a bad kid. It's just
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  Speaker 2: it's nine thirty at night. She should have been asleep
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: a good two hours ago, and it's hard. It's hard
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: being seven, it's hard being in different situations all the
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: time and things not going to plan. But it's okay,
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: and so I let her have her little tantrum. I
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: tried to calm her down, and sometimes it works, and
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: sometimes it doesn't. She was not interested at all in
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: cuddles or I love that.
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  Speaker 1: I know.
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  Speaker 3: I know I've just cut you off. I'm sorry to
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: do that, but I just have to emphasize. I get
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: told all the time by parents. I try everything that
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: you tell me to try, and it works sometimes, but
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: sometimes it just doesn't. What am I supposed to do then?
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  Speaker 3: And the reality is sometimes there is nothing that you
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: can do. Sometimes there's no parenting technique that you can try,
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: there's no connection that will be accepted. Sometimes it's nine
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  Speaker 3: point thirty at night and your seven year old is
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: overtired and literally lose the plot and there is nothing
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: you can do.
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  Speaker 2: So I took it down to her room.
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  Speaker 1: I just wanted to put that out there.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I took it down to her room. It wasn't
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: time out, it was just an acknowledgment. I've got everybody
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: else in the room. When you're ready to calm down,
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: you're welcome to join us. If you need a hug,
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: come and get mummy. I'm really happy, but let's just
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: have some time. She wasn't listening to calm down dream
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: so she screamed and screamed and screamed, and finally I left,
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: and then you went down and just checked on in
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: on her and she did not want to have a
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: bar of you either to me. And then about three
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: minutes later, she walked back into the room, came and
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: gave me a hug and got on with the night.
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  Speaker 3: As my dad would say, happy as Larry, Yeah, and
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: as I would say, who's Larry and Dad would say
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: some happy guy.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: And so I guess my take home is that number one,
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  Speaker 2: accepting that kids will be kids and it's okay. It's
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: so important because as a result, I'm able to respond
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: in a completely different way to the way I would
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: respond if all I could think about is what are
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: my friends thinking about me? What are my friends thinking
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  Speaker 2: about Emily? Right now? This is terrible. I'm not going
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: to be able to be my best self. And then
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: secondly recognizing that sometimes there's actually nothing that I can
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: do to change the situation in the moment, and I
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: just need to let the moment pass.
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: I'm really glad you shared that one. I do remember
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: how calmly you dealt with her screams. You were so
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: calm that I was like, huh, I don't need to
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: do anything. And then I realized that you'd walked out
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: and she was still screaming, And that's when I walked
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: into try and I was like, now I can see
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: why you feel bad, because she was like, come, I'm
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: just closing the blinds and come out when you're ready,
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: and like you said, three minutes later, she just.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Needed to figure herself out.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: It's not a great story. I'll do better tomorrow. We
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: do it every Friday. We would love to get your
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: feedback on the podcast. If you're enjoying it, please let
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: us know via Apple Podcasts. Those five star ratings and
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: reviews help everyone to find out about the podcast and
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: make their family happier.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Hey, have a great weekend.
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: We hope that you get to spend some high quality
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: time with your family this weekend. Happy Families podcast as
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: always produced by Justin Rouland from Bridge Meeting with Craig
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: Bruce as our executive producer. If you'd like more info
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: about making your family happier, all you've got to do
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: is log on too Happy families dot com dot a
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: u