Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 153: Trauma Bonds: The Ruby & Kevin Franke Story

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153: Trauma Bonds: The Ruby & Kevin Franke Story · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAnn Walker.
• 0:23
  I'm the life coach for empaths and highly sensitive people like you.
• 0:26
  And today we're going to be talking about something that keeps many people stuck in painful toxic relationships, and that is a trauma bond.
• 0:34
  I would say that roughly probably 25% of my clients are coming to me in recovery of a trauma bond, and probably the number of my clients that have experienced a trauma bond is actually a lot higher than that, but they might be silent for one of two reasons.
• 0:50
  Either they don't know yet that they're in a trauma bond, or they're experiencing so much shame around it that they aren't quite ready to address it yet.
• 0:58
  So today I wanted to talk a bit about what a trauma bond is to help you to better identify the signs so that you can get the help that you need with a minimal amount of shame, right?
• 1:07
  We always want to be reducing the shame, especially as it comes to trauma bonds.
• 1:12
  So let's just jump in and talk about it, shall we?
• 1:15
  So a trauma bond is an unhealthy emotional connection that forms between an abuser and their victim.
• 1:21
  And it is often reinforced by a cycle of abuse.
• 1:23
  But with trauma bonds, it's generally, I mean, there's, there's varying degrees, but a lot of people that I work with, it can be quite subtle and harder to see in the moment.
• 1:31
  You might recognize it better in hindsight, but in the moment it feels so subtle.
• 1:35
  It's hard to know, like you just might feel internally that something is off, but you might not cognitively be able to identify what the problem is.
• 1:44
  But essentially it's kind of sporadic reinforcement is the way we're going to be talking about it.
• 1:48
  And so it's kind of a cycle of abuse with intermittent kindness.
• 1:52
  There's like a deep sense of emotional loyalty that the victim has for their abuser.
• 1:56
  I know that that's kind of big words to use as victim and abuser.
• 2:00
  Um, but.
• 2:00
  It's important to kind of call things out as they are.
• 2:03
  so it's going to create some feelings of walking on eggshells.
• 2:06
  A lot, a lot of confusion and disorientation in relationship because since the level of reinforcement is so sporadic, since these interactions of love and connection are so sporadic and unpredictable, it can be quite disorienting.
• 2:22
  Now to kind of illustrate this point a little bit, I wanna tell you about a study that was done with rats.
• 2:27
  They were studying the effects of this intermittent reinforcement.
• 2:31
  So with the rats, then they had a button that would give them food.
• 2:35
  So anytime that the rat hit the button, they would get a reward of a tasty treat.
• 2:38
  And that's how these things started out, right?
• 2:40
  And that's often how things start out in relationship as well, is we know that, okay, the other person's going to be there.
• 2:46
  When I put out a bid for connection, when I make a request, when I initiate something, I am going to be met with a reward and it feels so good.
• 2:54
  So in the study with the rats, then that's how things started out.
• 2:58
  And then they started to change things up a bit.
• 3:00
  Where now if the rat hit the button.
• 3:03
  They wouldn't know if they were going to be getting food or not.
• 3:07
  They wouldn't know if they were going to be getting that reward or not.
• 3:10
  Now, in the narcissistic world, we talk a lot about bread crumbing.
• 3:13
  I want you to think about bread crumbing specifically as it pertains to the sporadic reinforcement with the rats.
• 3:20
  Nobody can live on breadcrumbs, but since we know that, okay, but historically, whenever I push the button, I've gotten that hit of love.
• 3:28
  Then we think, okay, well I just need to keep trying.
• 3:30
  That must have just been a glitch because I know that when I hit the button, that's what I get.
• 3:35
  But when we're being bread crumbed slowly that reinforcement is backing off, right?
• 3:39
  So now we don't know what we're going to get when we hit the button.
• 3:42
  We may or may not get our needs met.
• 3:45
  We might just get a crumb.
• 3:46
  But no relationship can be sustained on Crumbs alone.
• 3:51
  So with these rats, as it became less and less frequent that they would get a reward when they hit the button, two things happened.
• 3:58
  First.
• 3:59
  They started to notice some psychological things happening.
• 4:02
  The rats were not doing okay psychologically.
• 4:04
  They were very insecure, they were very anxious.
• 4:07
  They were seeing a lot of signs of anxiety in the body.
• 4:10
  Secondly, the rats started to show signs of addiction, much like somebody sitting in a slot machine not knowing when they were going to win.
• 4:17
  That's what the rats were demonstrating.
• 4:19
  They were demonstrating a lot of these signs.
• 4:22
  So tying this in to the trauma bonding, that's what happens is the rules are changing over time, so maybe initially then the abuser seems to be investing quite a lot into the relationship.
• 4:32
  You might even say, wow, like I have never felt so seen and so heard and so validated, and it feels amazing.
• 4:39
  This is the love bombing stage where it's like, wow.
• 4:43
  They are just amazing.
• 4:44
  They're my soulmate.
• 4:44
  This feels so good.
• 4:47
  And then the rules change.
• 4:49
  For example, maybe at the beginning of the relationship, then they tell you, oh, go ahead and have a seat.
• 4:53
  I actually love doing the dishes, so you go and put your feet up.
• 4:57
  That would just make me so happy.
• 4:58
  And then later they might sneak in things that are contradictory to the experience that you had with them originally.
• 5:05
  For example, they might say, geez, you sure are lazy.
• 5:08
  Why do you always let me do the dishes?
• 5:10
  Why do you never help with the dishes?
• 5:13
  When originally the rules of the relationship were No, you sit down because I love it.
• 5:17
  Right.
• 5:17
  So the messaging is now changing and it's changing in a way to minimize and diminish the contribution of the other person..
• 5:25
  Another example is maybe they've told you in the beginning of the relationship that, wow, I just so appreciate how much you inquire about me.
• 5:32
  It just feels so good.
• 5:33
  I have never felt so seen and heard by anybody.
• 5:36
  It just feels so great.
• 5:37
  Thank you so much.
• 5:38
  I love your inquiries.
• 5:40
  And then later, then they might shame you for your level of inquiry.
• 5:43
  They might think that, oh, well, why are you suspicious of me?
• 5:46
  Why do you keep asking me questions?
• 5:48
  They might tell you that you're asking too much of them, that you're too invasive, or maybe you're just too naive to understand, and so they don't wanna waste the energy answering your inquiries.
• 5:57
  Or maybe they tell you in the beginning that they love your independence and the deep connection that you have with your friends and your families only later to be forced to choose between them or your friends your family, and this is done in an attempt to isolate the victim.
• 6:13
  It can be extremely confusing and disorienting when these shifts are occurring in relationship because at this point then we think that they know us better than anybody.
• 6:23
  Right?
• 6:23
  And we think we know them better than anybody.
• 6:25
  We know that they are capable of showing up well, and now they're not.
• 6:31
  And maybe at this point then you find that you're even making excuses for them.
• 6:36
  For example, you're saying, okay, well they just need me right now.
• 6:39
  Or maybe you're agreeing with them thinking, well, maybe I am too much.
• 6:42
  Or you're thinking, well, they just must be going through something, and if I accommodate them even more, then things will go back to how they were.
• 6:50
  So while initially they were investing a significant amount into you and it was maybe lopsided because they're just doing so much and you felt so indebted, soon it becomes about 50 50.
• 7:00
  And then you might discover later that now you are investing a significant amount into them and they're hardly investing at all.
• 7:08
  And when this is happening, this is when you start to question your own reality.
• 7:13
  Because these changes are just so subtle.
• 7:15
  It can be really hard to see them clearly.
• 7:16
  It's a very gradual shift and a gradual change.
• 7:20
  Now lately then social media has been talking a lot about Ruby, Franke and her family.
• 7:25
  Now I have a lot of listeners from out of the states, and so I'll just kind of give you a brief overview of this situation, but Ruby Franke was the owner of the eight passengers TikTok account.
• 7:35
  And so she was a mom she was just kind of posting parenting stuff and, and her account totally took off.
• 7:41
  And then later then we were learning.
• 7:43
  That she was actually abusing her children.
• 7:45
  It was an absolutely horrific experience, and so they did actually do a documentary on this on Hulu, which is quite fascinating.
• 7:53
  There's also a book put out by Sherry Franke, I will list that in the show notes, but in this documentary then it details the absolutely horrific abuse and neglect that Ruby inflicted upon her own children, which is absolutely devastating.
• 8:08
  Now, at the same time that the abuse was happening with the children, there was also something happening with the husband she had actually kicked her husband out of the home.
• 8:16
  She kicked out both her husband as well as her oldest son.
• 8:19
  She told them, Nope, you have a problem.
• 8:21
  You need to get help.
• 8:22
  You need to fix yourself.
• 8:23
  And so she told him, Hey, I don't want to have any interactions with you and I don't want you to have any interactions with the children, with any friends or family for a year.
• 8:33
  Then you'll be able to show that you're open to change.
• 8:35
  Then you'll be able to show that you're actually committed to this relationship by isolating yourself.
• 8:41
  Now, because he wasn't engaging with his family during that time, he had no idea about this severe neglect and abuse that was happening.
• 8:48
  So when the police called to inform him that, Hey, we need you to come and check on your kids.
• 8:52
  They were originally thinking he was an accomplice in all of this.
• 8:55
  When in reality he was blindsided.
• 8:58
  He thought.
• 8:58
  He thought, no, there's no way that Ruby could do that.
• 9:00
  There's no way that this could be happening.
• 9:02
  This can't be real.
• 9:03
  He had been so disconnected because his world had been one where his soul life purpose was to prove his love and devotion to Ruby.
• 9:12
  So he had a completely different reality in his mind, and it was really hard for him to come to terms with the abuse and neglect that was happening in his home.
• 9:21
  Now, what was really interesting for a lot of people was at the end of this documentary, the producers asked Kevin Franke they said, okay, now that you know, now that you know about the abuse and the neglect, now that you have seen the evidence of what Ruby has done to your children, now that Ruby has been sentenced to four, one to 15 year terms in prison for how she treated your children, do you still love her?
• 9:48
  And he said, I'm not ashamed to say that after being married for over 20 years to that woman, I truly did and I still do love her.
• 9:59
  And when he said that the internet kind of went wild, everybody was kind of like, what is even happening?
• 10:05
  How could he possibly say that?
• 10:08
  And for those unfamiliar with trauma bonds, then his response does seem quite shocking.
• 10:13
  But for those who understand how this psychological manipulation works, Kevin's response actually makes sense.
• 10:21
  Ruby was a master manipulator, not only with her own children, but with her husband.
• 10:26
  Throughout their entire marriage, she put him on display in front of other people.
• 10:31
  She was constantly demanding that he prove his love and devotion to her.
• 10:34
  He was encouraged to publicly confess his sins to strangers weekly in coaching sessions.
• 10:42
  He was told he needed to cut contact with his family, including his own children for an entire year, and completely isolate himself from friends and neighbors, all in an effort to win back Ruby's approval essentially, Ruby had convinced him that in order to prove his love and devotion, he needed to remove himself from her life and the lives of their children and essentially just become a paycheck, and he was happy to do it.
• 11:09
  That level of psychological manipulation is classic trauma bonding.
• 11:15
  Now what else is noteworthy is that Ruby, like many abusers, she was rarely invested in the relationship herself.
• 11:22
  You don't really see the ways that she's investing.
• 11:24
  She essentially just bread crumbed her husband, positioning herself as a superior one.
• 11:29
  The more spiritual one, the more enlightened one.
• 11:32
  The better parent, the better spouse, she had positioned herself in that role, where now he just believed that that was all true, that that was who she was.
• 11:40
  So she dictated the rules.
• 11:42
  She set impossible standards for her husband and her children, and created a world where everyone else had to prove their worth to her.
• 11:52
  Now let me be clear that this does not excuse Kevin's inaction, but it does help us to understand why he responded in the way that he did.
• 12:02
  Trauma bonds keep people trapped.
• 12:04
  They're trapped mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically because at this point then they're essentially confusing control with love.
• 12:13
  That might even be the story they're telling themselves is, no, but they just love me.
• 12:17
  They're trying to help me Another example that I wanna share from the same family comes from Sherry.
• 12:23
  Franke, she is the oldest of all of the children.
• 12:26
  She was actually kind of the first one to really call out the manipulations that were happening in the home and the first to remove herself from the family.
• 12:34
  Now, this was twofold, right?
• 12:35
  She was starting to see these patterns and starting to get help from other people, and also her own mother eventually cut her off.
• 12:43
  So that kind of pushed her even more to find herself.
• 12:47
  As she was seeking to find herself, she found herself in a relationship with a middle-aged man that was really essentially providing her with everything that she had hoped her parents would've provided her with.
• 12:56
  He was offering her support and encouragement.
• 12:59
  He was highly encouraging over everything that she was doing and paying her for work.
• 13:03
  He was the one that she would talk to when she was having a hard time processing things.
• 13:07
  He knew about her family life and he wanted to be there to support her, and over time he took advantage of that.
• 13:15
  He started to touch her inappropriately and kind of stalk her in different things.
• 13:19
  It was a pretty rough situation, and when Sherry realized that, okay, this isn't what I want, this has gone too far and I don't wanna be here, she started to over own the situation.
• 13:31
  She went and told her clergy.
• 13:32
  She said, Hey, this is happening and I want it to end.
• 13:36
  And I'm so sorry and kind of over owned the situation, which I think a lot of victims tend to do.
• 13:42
  They over own the situation.
• 13:44
  And I just wanna remind you that you were manipulated into the situation and you recognizing that you are out of integrity with yourself.
• 13:51
  That's actually revealing to you the truth of who you are.
• 13:54
  You are not the one who is manipulated into doing those things, you are the one who is recognizing that that is out of alignment with who you are.
• 14:02
  Trauma bonding pushes victims to act in ways that go against their own integrity.
• 14:07
  So it might be allowing someone to touch you or abandoning your children for a year, but this is not a true reflection of your character.
• 14:16
  It is a deliberate tactic used by the abuser to keep their victim trapped and silent.
• 14:22
  It's essentially, now I have something I can use against you later.
• 14:26
  So victims might be pressured into doing things that they wouldn't otherwise do, such as allowing unwanted physical contact, engaging in illegal activities, or allowing the crossing of personal boundaries, all in an effort to prove their trust and their loyalty to someone else.
• 14:41
  And this manipulation can create really deep shame, keeping them from speaking out.
• 14:46
  About the abuse.
• 14:47
  So this is the insidious nature of trauma bonding.
• 14:50
  It makes victims believe that they are responsible for fixing the situation when in reality they were manipulated into it from the start.
• 14:58
  But here's the truth, is that there is significant power, and recognizing the manipulation, in reclaiming your voice, and in speaking your truth.
• 15:09
  If you are wondering whether you might be in a trauma bond, here's a few key signs to look for.
• 15:13
  Number one, a cycle of highs and lows.
• 15:15
  The relationship swings between extreme kindness and extreme cruelty, and this causes a lot of confusion and a feeling like you're walking on eggshells.
• 15:24
  The abuser may be loving one moment and then demeaning, distant and abusive the next moment, and this unpredictability is what creates this powerful emotional addiction, making it really hard to leave.
• 15:35
  In fact, I don't think I said this about the rats, but not only were the rats driven crazy through the sporadic reinforcement, but they were also showing all of the behaviors of an addict.
• 15:45
  That is something else that these victims of trauma bonding experience.
• 15:50
  All right.
• 15:50
  A second thing.
• 15:51
  They feel trapped but unable to walk away.
• 15:54
  So even if you recognize that relationship is harmful, then you may feel emotionally or psychologically stuck.
• 16:01
  Maybe you're afraid that you'll get into trouble for the things that you did when you were out of your integrity in that relationship.
• 16:07
  Maybe you find that you're justifying their behavior or making excuses for them, or telling yourself that things will get better despite noticing that repeated pattern of hurt.
• 16:17
  Number three, blaming yourself for their actions.
• 16:20
  You find yourself constantly questioning if you are the problem.
• 16:24
  When they mistreated you, you wonder, okay, well what did I do wrong?
• 16:27
  I must have done something wrong.
• 16:28
  I must have set them up.
• 16:30
  And then you find yourself working even harder to earn their approval or to avoid conflict.
• 16:35
  And over time, their manipulations make you doubt your own reality, right?
• 16:39
  So it's again, that imbalance in relationship where initially they may have been investing more, but now they're investing hardly anything, and you continue to feel that duty and obligation to prove yourself to them.
• 16:52
  Number four, isolation of friends and family.
• 16:56
  In this situation, the abuser is discouraging or outright preventing you from spending time with other people that could offer you support.
• 17:02
  So maybe they're guilting you and saying, well, I just wanted to have time with you, and it's coming through that lens.
• 17:07
  Or maybe they're straight up telling you, no, I don't want you alone with them.
• 17:10
  They don't like me, and trying to pit you against your friends and family.
• 17:14
  And if this is happening, then you may feel really disconnected from your loved ones, either because you've been pushed away or because you fear that they won't understand what it is that you're going through.
• 17:24
  All right.
• 17:24
  Number five is feeling a deep sense of loyalty.
• 17:28
  Even when it hurts you, no matter how much pain they cause, you feel a strong emotional attachment to them.
• 17:34
  You might justify your actions or by remembering their good moments, right?
• 17:38
  You're thinking, well, the good outweighs the bad, and maybe for a time the good will outweigh the bad.
• 17:43
  But be honest with yourself once those scales have tipped, maybe you actually are even believing that, well, they need me in order to change.
• 17:51
  I'm the only one that can help them.
• 17:52
  And so other people might be expressing concern, but you might find that you are minimizing or defending their behavior because you feel like, no, like they really need me in this.
• 18:03
  So if any of these resonate with you, know that you're not alone, and that recognizing these signs is a powerful first step towards healing.
• 18:12
  So if this is you, seek some support from a coach, a therapist, or a trusted person that can help you to break free of this relationship and reclaim your sense of self.
• 18:22
  Now, if you are listening and you're realizing that you might be in a trauma bond, I want you to hear me loud and clear.
• 18:28
  You are not broken.
• 18:30
  You are waking up.
• 18:32
  And you don't have to do this alone.
• 18:34
  Recognizing the signs of psychological abuse, it is painful.
• 18:38
  But it's also a powerful and vital step towards healing.
• 18:43
  And the more you honor your own values and listen to that inner voice telling you that something isn't right, the more strength you can reclaim.
• 18:51
  So please find a safe space to talk about your experience.
• 18:54
  Reach out to a therapist or a coach.
• 18:56
  Depending on where you're at in your healing journey, you may need a therapist, or if you're at a different point, then coaching can be very helpful.
• 19:03
  But find a therapist, a coach, a trusted friend to share your story with.
• 19:07
  The fact that something feels off, it means that you do have a value system, and that means that you can rebuild your life in alignment with that value system.
• 19:18
  You deserve to have personal safety.
• 19:21
  You deserve to have clarity.
• 19:22
  You deserve to have a life that isn't all about walking on eggshells to accommodate other people.
• 19:28
  You deserve love that doesn't come with conditions.
• 19:32
  So remember that your truth matters.
• 19:36
  If you would like a little bit of clarity, identifying what is happening in your relationship and if it is supportive for you or not.
• 19:42
  If there is a chance of change in your relationship, I encourage you to come and grab a copy of my, should I stay or should I Go Journal?
• 19:50
  You can find a link for that in the show notes.
• 19:52
  This just helps you to see things a little bit more clearly.
• 19:55
  It just asks some very basic questions to bring things into your conscious awareness to help you to get a bit more clarity around how does this person respond when I tell them no.
• 20:04
  how do they respond when I want to do something different?
• 20:07
  It can help to just bring all of these things into your conscious awareness.
• 20:10
  So if you're interested in that, come and check it out.
• 20:12
  It is only$11 and can bring you a lot of clarity, so come and check it out.
• 20:17
  All right, you are loved, you are amazing, and you listening is showing that you are working to be in alignment with your value system.
• 20:24
  So let that shame go.
• 20:25
  You are learning and you are growing.
• 20:27
  Alright, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 20:29
  Bye now.