Latest / The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast / To Grandmother’s House, We Go! (A Conversation About Triggers During the Holidays)

Transcript

To Grandmother’s House, We Go! (A Conversation About Triggers During the Holidays) · The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast

0:01
SPEAKER_00: 'Tis the season to be jolly, right?
0:04
SPEAKER_00: And of course, peace and goodwill toward all men.
0:08
SPEAKER_00: While I do see a little more generosity, general good cheer at the grocery stores, and even a happier vibe on the freeways, this holiday season still doesn't make all our relational issues disappear.
0:21
SPEAKER_00: In fact, you might be struck with a little dread as you gather around tables that you've been absent from, maybe even since 2019.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: And absent from get togethers like you're going to get to experience in tighter places.
0:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's that word again.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: I said dread.
0:41
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you would call it low grade anxiety, overwhelm, or just general unrest.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: Whatever label you want to put on it, take a minute to acknowledge what it is just beneath the surface.
0:55
SPEAKER_00: Especially as you step into situations that traditionally don't always align with the idyllic holiday scene.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: For this extra special advent episode, I want to invite you to step into a story.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: A story that'll provide perspective on what triggers you and what triggers the other personalities around you.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: It's true that some personalities naturally click more than others, and still the desire I have for you and the wholehearted community is to not just tolerate the differences, but instead to celebrate our diversity.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: A few years ago I felt the Lord drop an idea into my spirit to switch things up on this podcast and share a fictional story about what the Lord had taught me about scarcity and how we can learn from the past, present, and future.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: As a closet fiction writer, nothing delighted me more than that project in 2019 and I've wanted to do several more like it.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: I always have ideas.
1:59
SPEAKER_00: But because I've experienced such wonderful growth with the business and also I focused my time on writing the book Should Christians use the Enneagram, I've stuck to smaller pieces like my paddleboard episode and the fictional stories about my clients in the nine types Thriving and work and life series.
2:17
SPEAKER_00: But today I've brought back a mini fictional tale read in dramatic fashion to help you usher in the spirit of celebration this season.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: And of course this one is safe and entertaining for the whole family so you might be able to enjoy it as you travel or shop together this holiday season.
2:36
SPEAKER_00: And plus if you listen all the way until the end I've got loads of practical applications about what triggers each personality type and some practical steps to take for yourself as you gather with friends and family this holiday.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: Now next week I also have a bonus episode to finish out our Advent season together.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: It's a new and improved edition of the redemption of Mrs.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: Scrooge but for today if you've already listened to that episode in years past you might be hearing from or about some familiar characters.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: Alrighty friend let's head out together to grandmother's house we go in the sleepy mountainside town on the day of Thanksgiving promptly at dusk the Christmas lights begin their annual cheer and sparkle.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: In a blink, the barren winter street becomes a gleaming avenue.
3:43
SPEAKER_00: Simultaneously Christmas music courses from the speakers at Town Hall, joyful stories everyone had somehow forgotten during the year and proclamations of hope they once craved to hear.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: Through the night into early morning hours until the day after Christmas guitars drum, choirs rejoice and lights twinkle beneath the mountain skies.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: And those who live near the main thoroughfare at the base of the mountains dream of angels singing every night.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: These joyful songs needed to be felt more than ever, especially this year.
4:20
SPEAKER_00: Jade had been unaware of the deep longing that she had for these familiar tunes.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: And though the lights and the music were on time, the joy of the holiday seemed to be delayed, at least in her heart.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: There she sat with her favorite mug of coffee in one hand as her other traced the line of the rough plank table, pinned to the side as her thoughts raced.
4:42
SPEAKER_00: Gift lists, holiday travel, the baking list to satisfy her family and the neighbors.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: As she jotted down the tasks, already too much for one person handle, she remembered the secret Santa exchange she promised to coordinate.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: And because the kids were now in middle school and high school she had even more teachers to buy gifts for this year.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: Pouring one more cup of the dark aromatic brew to help brace herself for the coming day of family gathering, she readied herself for the possible conversations over the plates of turkey and potatoes.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: There was Uncle Joe, who loved debating his strong political opinions.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: Aunt Maggie, whose once over made her feel criticized and less than ideal.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: Cousin Fred, who bless his heart, had loads of information about the most unusual things, and her niece Penelope, whose enthusiasm for the holidays always felt a little overwhelming and draining.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: Then were her three kids, who managed to lead the younger cousins into some sort of mischief on her grandmother's farm, despite her best efforts to keep them on her best behavior.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: As she further mused the unique dynamics of her extended family, Jade got up and scrambled the eggs for the kids, put final touches on the sweet potato pie for the family feast, and whispered a prayer for help.
6:01
SPEAKER_00: Help for the grace she desperately needed.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: Jade knew it was a gift to still gather at the family farm nestled in the valley below the mountains, but sometimes it was just hard.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: Most of the family was well meaning, but at the end of the day they lacked self-awareness and the faith that would provide them freedom from the coping mechanisms that were glaringly obvious to her.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: She was raised by a grandmother who loved Jesus, but not everyone in the family had kept the faith.
6:31
SPEAKER_00: As she prayed the Lord reminded her that these interactions with the hard to love folks were a way to share his love.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: Muttering to herself Lord, why do you have to remind me of that?
6:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure I'm up for it.
6:45
SPEAKER_00: Please, do I have to?
6:48
SPEAKER_00: Jade turned down the flame under the egg pan and washed her hands, symbolic of her desire to rid these thoughts from her mind.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: An hour later after putting the final load of sides that she had prepared for the feast ahead and the outdoor games for the kids, Jade called upstairs for the third time.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: Kids, it's time to go, we're gonna be late Haley, her petite fifteen year old and Mason, her thirteen year old who is now bigger than her, raced down the stairs pushing each other slipping and sliding on the frayed carpet.
7:18
SPEAKER_00: It was a wonder they both didn't topple head over heels.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: Guys cut it out please now remember what I said about being on your best behavior today.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: No putting hens in the trash cans, taking the eggs from the geese, or even messing with the cows in the barn, especially while the cows are milking.
7:35
SPEAKER_00: And please for heaven's sake, don't ask Uncle Joe how he thought the election results went down.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: Mason rolled his brown eyes as he put his hands through his blonde hair.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: Mom, I was nine years old when I put these chickens in the garbage.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: Won't you ever let me forget about it Sela, her seventeen year old in carbon copy of Jade with blue eyes, marched down with the other two and adding her two cents.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: And Mason, don't hog all the mashed potatoes.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: Last year there weren't any leftovers thanks to you.
8:06
SPEAKER_00: Mason grumbled in reply, but before Jade jumped in to start that argument, all three kids walked past her into the garage where they promptly debated who would get to sit in the front seat of the van.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: Rolling her eyes she glanced around the mud room to ensure she had grabbed all the things for grandmother's house and closed the door.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: The mid morning sun was blinding as it bounced off the fresh snow, causing Jade to squint as they made their way through the quaint downtown streets filled with shoppers eager to take in the holiday sales.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: Carefully avoiding the jaywalkers oblivious of her vehicle, she noticed in the alleyway the twelve drummers from the high school band that were practicing for the Saturday night holiday parade.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: The 20 minute drive along the bumpy gravel roads passed quickly, with Sayla sharing her holiday playlist through the Bluetooth system and the arguing at a minimum.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: The wood and archway framing the long driveway to the farm greeted them with evergreen garland and bright red cherries.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: Jade wondered how her grandmother at eighty nine years old still managed to orchestrate the workings of the home almost as well as she had when Jade was ten.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: Pulling beside the line of eclectic vehicles, each representing the owner's fears and habits with money, Jade looked down the line to see cousin Bruce with the hood of his 2019 Subaru popped up and his hands fiddling with the cap on the antifreeze fluid.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: The kids all peeled out of the car without a glance or offer to help their contributions to the family gathering.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: Piling her arms to capacity, Jade hollered Hey Bruce, happy Thanksgiving Do you need any help?
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Is something wrong with the car?
9:46
SPEAKER_00: Cousin Bruce gave a half hearted wave with his grease stained hands and his head still bent over the engine.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: Hey Jade, well the car was making a strange noise on the way here and I heard recently that there might be a recall in one of the engine parts.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: Plus I had to leave the car parked outside all night.
10:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm just sure that there's probably something wrong with it.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: I would hate to get stranded one of these country roads tonight.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: The news forecasts snow, and you know what that means around these parts it could be the year's biggest storm.
10:15
SPEAKER_00: Jade had to work on her facial expression to not betray her amusement over her cousin's worry that she could tell was quickly spiraling into a slight frenzy.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: Well that is a bummer do you want me to get Uncle Joe and send him out?
10:30
SPEAKER_00: He's helped Graham all these years with the farm equipment.
10:33
SPEAKER_00: He might get stuck out here in the cold listening to old combat stories, but he does know a thing or two about engines.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: As she waited for Bruce's reply, Jade could hear the eleven wind chimes on the front porch, beckoning her to get inside before the heavy load became unbearable.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: When cousin Bruce just waved her on, she followed the cheerful tune coming from the entryway.
10:57
SPEAKER_00: The creak at the front porch and the smells from the kitchen greeted her before the tender hug from her gram.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: Well hey sweetie you put that load down and give me a squeeze Graham was tiny in stature but spry and strong from working on the farm since she was a little girl.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: She wiped her hands on the brown and orange checkered apron and leaned in for another greeting from Jade You made it honey goodness look at all that you brought don't you know we always have enough?
11:28
SPEAKER_00: You needn't feel like you need to bring so much Jade was going to protest even though she knew she had gone a little overboard, but before she replied, Graham leaned in and asked Where's Sam?
11:42
SPEAKER_00: Isn't he joining us?
11:45
SPEAKER_00: Jade glanced around to make sure the others crammed in the tiny kitchen couldn't overhear her answer.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: He said he had to get just a couple hours of work in before our dinner.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: He missed that promotion he had been hoping for so he'll come later.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: Graham gave her a knowing look before heading back to stir the gravy on the stovetop Aunt Maggie didn't stop cutting the vegetables to greet her with a hug, but rather adjusted her string of pearls carefully matched with the holiday sweater and looked up from the tray of symmetrical celery and carrot sticks.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: Well great you made it just in time to help set the table Jade smiled in response but grimaced inwardly, knowing her idea of setting the table would likely fall short of Aunt Maggie's expectations for the holiday settings.
12:28
SPEAKER_00: Just outside the kitchen, cousin Bonnie put her pile of festive holiday decor on the giant farm table, and tucking her shoulder length auburn curls behind her ear, she gave Jade a warm embrace, enveloping her with the musky perfume and colorful wrap that was signature to her Aunt Jade A blur of tutus, boas and even more red curls came charging at her as she had just enough time to bend down for a hug from Bonnie's daughter Penelope.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: Aunt Jade, Aunt Jade, did you see all the desserts?
13:00
SPEAKER_00: Oh there are ever so many pies, loads of cookies, two cakes, and grandma even got ice cream and whipped cream Jade laughed, imagining her niece's energy level after the sugar binge.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: Oh yes I'm excited too.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: If you want to see the kids, honey, I think they're headed out that way to the hayloft to set up for the turkey jump.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: Penelope bounced away as her mom called after her Honey take off your tutu before you go to the barn but she was already out of earshot, so Jade promised her cousin Bonnie that she would go help Penelope change outfits right after she had finished getting the last load out from the car.
13:38
SPEAKER_00: On her way back out to the van, Jade took her time to walk through the maze of prison tables set up strategically throughout the spacious wraparound porch.
13:46
SPEAKER_00: As she rounded the corner she startled Oh hey Fred I didn't see you there.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: Cousin Fred looked up from the stack of papers and over his thick black rimmed glasses well seasonal felicitations to you, Jade Are you prepping for the crossword challenge?
14:04
SPEAKER_00: While Jade wasn't an ace at this annual family tradition, she did love the laughter in the competition that pitted all the girls of the family against the guys.
14:13
SPEAKER_00: Cousin Fred was a man of few words unless asked about his latest research project, so he used the pencil top he held to scratch his greying beard and responded with a nod of his head.
14:24
SPEAKER_00: Jade nodded in reply though Fred's attention was back to the paper.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: And that's when Jade decided the laughter coming from the bar needed to be investigated.
14:32
SPEAKER_00: There they were all ten cousins were leaping from the loft into the bales of hay below, giggling covered in dust, including Penelope two two and all.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: Jade loved how they really enjoyed each other's company, though her son, poor Mason, was surrounded by nine girl cousins of all ages dancing around him cheering for one more acrobatic flip from the loft.
14:54
SPEAKER_00: Jade decided to not intervene, knowing Mason secretly loved the attention.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: Jade went around the back to peer into the barn.
15:03
SPEAKER_00: Thankfully all the animals seemed undisturbed from the hoots and the hollers above.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: She used to love helping her gram early in the mornings to milk the cows long before the modern equipment was employed.
15:16
SPEAKER_00: It never failed to amaze her to see the eight stalls filled with cows and the milking system doing the job of sixteen hands at once.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: The dinner bell rang from the front porch, signaling the call to gather.
15:30
SPEAKER_00: But not quite yet for the feast.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: This was the call for the annual girls vs boys crossword competition The girls were gathered outside the guys sat around the breakfast table pencils in hand poring over the clues.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: Hmm what's five letters down and was an ugly duckling Jay took in the random guesses from the younger generation before sharing her answer.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: Swan anxiously toying with the pearls around her neck, Maggie lightly and carefully penciled the word in to see if it would fit Well jackpot that works Glad to have helped for once, Jay looked over at the guys through the window.
16:11
SPEAKER_00: She could almost see the steam coming from her cousin Fred's ears, mostly covered by his jet black mop of hair as Uncle Joe laced his thumbs through his suspenders, puffed out his chest, and tried to take control of how they would make their way through this puzzle.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: Jade figured their only chance of the girls winning this year was if cousin Fred got frustrated enough and stopped trying, or maybe even get quiet and march off.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: Just then she heard her son Mason yell Geese and another cousin squealed out eggs then cheers erupted from the group of guys huddled around the crossword paper.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: A collective groan from the girls signaled their defeat and Graham, always cheerful and positive Well don't you know look at that we only have three left to answer That's so much better than last year.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: We're improving girls The growling stomachs outweighed the need to be consoled, so they decided to arrange the outdoor furniture back to the standard setup, and the adults man their stations to get the feast on the table.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: Cousin Bonnie was putting the final touches on the table centerpieces, five golden rings wrapped with dried leaves and garland with candles waiting to be lit once everyone was seated.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: Aunt Maggie was frantically scurrying around the kitchen, her proper kitten heeled shoes tapping on the linoleum floor, scolding the kids to get out as they tried to dip their fingers in the food dishes for a quick taste.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: Graham calmly carried one plate at a time to the table as Maggie called for Uncle Joe to put on an apron and carve the turkey.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: And just then Jade's husband Sam came through the front door in his work suit and tie, still energized from his full morning that had started with a five AM run.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: Oh good Sam's here Everyone gather round for time to feast Graham held her hands out and used her most commanding voice to pull everyone into a prayer circle Sela honey since you're the oldest of the great grands will you say the prayer today?
18:17
SPEAKER_00: Graham looked around the circle at Sale, her long brown ponytail bounced in reply, and pulled out a folded piece of paper from her pocket.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: Lord God, our hearts are crowded with gratitude as we celebrate the feast of Thanksgiving.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: We have come to this feasting table with great joy and eagerness, for we are truly grateful to you, our God, for all that we have been given.
18:42
SPEAKER_00: We also thank you for the gifts in one another, especially for the gifts of love and affection that we have freely shared.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: We are thankful amen Uncle Joe's amen boomed above the collective agreements in the room.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: Jane was the last one to sit at the table, and though she had hoped to sit next to her husband Sam, she was stuck a sandwich between the kids' table and Aunt Maggie.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: She groaned inwardly again, knowing she would be subjected to Aunt Maggie's questioning that came across a little bit more like pointed criticisms.
19:15
SPEAKER_00: Aunt Maggie didn't even wait for her to take her first bites of potatoes and gravy I noticed Sam came late today.
19:22
SPEAKER_00: Everything all right between you two?
19:25
SPEAKER_00: Before she could reply to her aunt, Uncle Joe asked her to pass the bowl of corn.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: As she handed across the table, Uncle Joe turned to her cousin Fred, giving a hearty pat on his back Well how about those midterm results?
19:38
SPEAKER_00: Your boy ain't doing so well is he?
19:41
SPEAKER_00: Jade heard her daughters Hallie and Seela, Snicker and Udison because they knew what was coming next.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: She tried to tune into cousin Fred's reply, but Aunt Maggie turned to her again and whispered loudly in her ear I asked your son Mason if he got his booster shot this fall, and he looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about.
20:01
SPEAKER_00: You better have a good explanation.
20:05
SPEAKER_00: Jade attempted to give a calm reply that was a hundred percent reasonable, but Anne Maggie had already turned to say something to her cousin Bonnie who was seated on the other side.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: And then someone asked her for the mashed potatoes as Uncle Joe's volume increased.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: Those taxes and interest rates are just terrible.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: Don't you know how much money I've lost in my retirement fund?
20:25
SPEAKER_00: A cool half million Fred and it's all thanks to you're a man in the White House.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: If there was a shade of fury, Uncle Joe was just that and poor cousin Fred could not get a word in edgewise.
20:37
SPEAKER_00: Suddenly her attention was pulled from one ruckus to the next.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: Her middle daughter Hallie was yelling at her brother Mason hug you are so disgusting Jade looked at her husband Sam with a desperate glance that spoke volumes, the silent cry for help, and that you'd better do something quick.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: She also looked down at the table at Graham who didn't seem to notice what was happening.
21:01
SPEAKER_00: Instead she said Well don't you know these mashed potatoes are so creamy Aunt Maggie announced to the table with pride My daughter mashed them Mam her daughter Hailey moaned.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh you won't believe what Mason just said you better do something Jade once again with now a cold plate of food in front of her attempted to gather herself to diffuse the situations around the table but then it was like time slowed down and simultaneously sped up as several people spoke at once.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: Cousin Bruce started clutching his stomach, muttering something about food poisoning.
21:43
SPEAKER_00: She thought she heard Graham saying that the corn was like an angel.
21:47
SPEAKER_00: Her son asked her to pass the mashed potatoes for the third time and cousin Bonnie started crying that Aunt Maggie never understood her and that she didn't belong in this family.
21:57
SPEAKER_00: And then there was Aunt Maggie who kept yelling at her At Uncle Joe.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: Language, language, please, Joe, not in front of the children.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: And then all the great grands simultaneously covered their ears as they looked around with a mix of astonishment and childish amusement.
22:14
SPEAKER_00: In Jade's mind, she flipped the dinner table just like she imagined Jesus did at the temple, but without the righteous and holy part.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: She was just angry.
22:25
SPEAKER_00: But instead, using the last bit of self-control she had left, she bawled her fist and marched outside, the wooden screen door slamming, startling the four cardinals lined up on the front porch railing.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: The sound of the gravel crunching beneath her feet as she made her way back to the barn felt oddly soothing.
22:43
SPEAKER_00: And she wasn't sure even why she headed that way, but perhaps taking a moment to process with her favorite horse would calm her down.
22:50
SPEAKER_00: Ten minutes of brushing down Petra, the Depple Grey, and an honest dialogue with the Lord had leveled out the frustration and angst that she felt in her spirit.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: She was able to realize that her frustration had actually started early that morning when her husband had left to do his thing and she had had expectations of a family day together.
23:11
SPEAKER_00: And then there was the lack of gratefulness from the kids at breakfast and the fact that she probably did go over a little board on the dishes that she had brought to the meal.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: And then there was the arguing and the pointed questions throughout the day.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: She realized that she had been triggered since the beginning of the day, and could see how everyone at the table had experienced the same thing, just in different ways and for different things.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: The three hens suddenly flapping and clucking in the stall next to the entry were the only giveaway to her grandmother's subtle approach through the barn doors.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: Hey, honey, don't you know the feast is almost done?
23:49
SPEAKER_00: I just thought I would check on you.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: Oh Graham, I'm sorry, I just couldn't stand anymore.
23:55
SPEAKER_00: I had to go before I blew a gasket.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: Graham chuckled.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I know.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: I was ready to yell at everyone.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right, Graham.
24:06
SPEAKER_00: I don't ever remember a time when you yelled.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: Well, honey, don't you know?
24:12
SPEAKER_00: I think things wouldn't go out of hand so much around here if I'd gotten a little louder time or two.
24:18
SPEAKER_00: Graham's far-off look indicated to Jade that she was taking a walk down memory lane.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: Two doves suddenly swooped down from the loft, startling them both.
24:28
SPEAKER_00: And Jade wondered out loud, what kind of doves are those?
24:33
SPEAKER_00: Don't turtle doves mean peace or something?
24:36
SPEAKER_00: Oh honey, turtle doves are only found in Europe, don't you know?
24:40
SPEAKER_00: Nope, those are probably spotted doves.
24:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure exactly, actually, but it's true.
24:47
SPEAKER_00: Two turtled doves can mean repentance or even reconciliation.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: Jade took in her grandmother's words without taking her eyes off the entertaining pair as they hopped around the barn floor picking up the leftover seed.
25:02
SPEAKER_00: Graham, how do you do it?
25:04
SPEAKER_00: How do you love each family member around that table so well?
25:08
SPEAKER_00: Graham shook her head.
25:11
SPEAKER_00: Jade, don't you know?
25:13
SPEAKER_00: I hardly do it perfectly.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: But I've always tried to pray and practice to have my father's eyes.
25:23
SPEAKER_00: Jade sputtered in protest.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: What do you mean?
25:26
SPEAKER_00: Your your father's eye shape or color?
25:30
SPEAKER_00: Jade knew that's not what Graham really meant, and went on to ask the real question in her heart.
25:37
SPEAKER_00: Graham, how do you do that?
25:39
SPEAKER_00: It's just not that easy.
25:43
SPEAKER_00: I know, honey.
25:45
SPEAKER_00: I do mean our heavenly father's eyes.
25:48
SPEAKER_00: To see others the way he sees them, don't you know?
25:53
SPEAKER_00: It's not easy.
25:55
SPEAKER_00: First, you gotta practice curiosity.
26:00
SPEAKER_00: Then ask thoughtful questions, don't you know?
26:04
SPEAKER_00: You have to take time to really listen for their answer.
26:08
SPEAKER_00: Perhaps even the answer they aren't sharing.
26:15
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it helps you to have a little bit more compassion for the other person if you really find out what's going on.
26:26
SPEAKER_00: Jade looked into her grandmother's kind, gentle, and graceful eyes, suddenly understanding.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that that makes sense.
26:34
SPEAKER_00: You're so right.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: I think if I did a little bit more of that, I might get a little less triggered.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: Graham took her outstretched arm and patted her hand with tenderness.
26:44
SPEAKER_00: As they made their way back to the house, the sounds of lively discussion, Jade's stomach growled, and she whispered a prayer for patience and understanding for her family, and that she could finish the feast.
26:58
SPEAKER_00: Jade was a little disappointed to see that the table was already cleared of dishes, but to her amazement, her three kids were the ones leading the cleanup crew.
27:06
SPEAKER_00: Uncle Joe was getting the pies and desserts set up on the island counter, and Aunt Maggie and Cousin Bonnie were walking arm in arm from the bedrooms in the back of the house.
27:15
SPEAKER_00: Cousin Bonnie was even smiling, talking about the window displays at her boutique as Aunt Maggie patted her arm and nodded her head in reply.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: Suddenly Sam was in front of her with a full plate of steaming hot food.
27:28
SPEAKER_00: Well, hey, honey, I thought you might want a little bit more time to enjoy your meal.
27:32
SPEAKER_00: Go sit at the table.
27:34
SPEAKER_00: The kids and I will make sure we help Graham.
27:37
SPEAKER_00: Jade's heart melted at this thoughtful gesture and felt even more strengthened to follow Graham's advice.
27:44
SPEAKER_00: She smiled tentatively in reply, not sure what had overcome everyone, but thrilled nonetheless to finish her Thanksgiving meal in peace.
27:55
SPEAKER_00: She joined Cousin Fred, who was shuffling the deck of cards for the traditional round of rummy they would play after the good natured football game with the Great Grands.
28:05
SPEAKER_00: So Fred, tell me what's happening in the pharmaceutical world these days.
28:10
SPEAKER_00: Cousin Fred looked up from the cards, adjusted his glasses, and though he wasn't one for expressive display, Jade thought she caught him smiling.
28:18
SPEAKER_00: As Fred dove into the topic he was passionate about, a bird bouncing on the naked branches of the pear tree just outside the dining room window caught her attention.
28:28
SPEAKER_00: Jade grinned knowingly, thankful for the days ahead to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the people she had the opportunity to love.
29:04
SPEAKER_00: I imagine you maybe even grimaced and groaned along with the rest of us, as the comical situations might feel strangely familiar around your table.
29:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm curious to know who did you relate to most in Jade's story?
29:20
SPEAKER_00: Did you hear some similar or familiar conversations or interactions that you've experienced in past holidays, or maybe even anticipate dealing with in the days ahead?
29:31
SPEAKER_00: And maybe you enjoyed listening and assigning Enneagram types to the characters I created for this fun holiday tale.
29:37
SPEAKER_00: It is a fun exercise and a great conversation starter.
29:40
SPEAKER_00: Did you catch the subtle references to the 12 days of Christmas?
29:45
SPEAKER_00: You'll have to go back and listen if you didn't.
29:47
SPEAKER_00: My hope was that today I illustrated in a fun and creative, lighthearted way how we all get triggered because we are human.
29:56
SPEAKER_00: We all have unique fears and triggers.
30:00
SPEAKER_00: Now, that word trigger can be overused, but I hope that ultimately you become more aware of what causes you to react instead of calmly responding to the situations that you find yourselves in day in and day out, not just the holidays.
30:15
SPEAKER_00: Now, in Beth and Jeff McCord's new book, More Than Your Number, they quote this statement by Dr.
30:20
SPEAKER_00: Becky Kennedy regarding triggers.
30:24
SPEAKER_00: She explains that triggers are stories from your past acting out in the present.
30:29
SPEAKER_00: You have to talk about and take a look at the past to understand it, so it doesn't take the driver's seat in your present life and circumstances.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, when you're triggered, it's that moment when the wounded child reacts instead of responding, and your emotions come out sideways.
30:49
SPEAKER_00: It's not usually what the other person is doing in the situation, and even though that does contribute to the experience, it's more about how you have your stored experiences and how they are getting activated in that moment.
31:02
SPEAKER_00: Now, the lighthearted and quickly resolving illustration today was just a creative way to describe how each personality might experience or display their reaction to the other's unique triggers.
31:13
SPEAKER_00: So for further thoughtful review, I thought I would outline a few here.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: This is that practical tip and takeaway that I mentioned at the beginning.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: Now, these are just highlights about what's going to trigger each personality type.
31:26
SPEAKER_00: And I absolutely am not highlighting these to create any sort of shame, anxiety, or anger towards yourself, and especially not towards others.
31:35
SPEAKER_00: Again, the hope here is that to help you to not just tolerate the differences, but instead to celebrate them.
31:42
SPEAKER_00: Because, as I'm sure you've heard before, before you judge a man, walk a mile in their shoes.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: So here are some ways to give words to your perspective and also to help understand the perspectives around you.
31:57
SPEAKER_00: What triggers the Enneagram A is anything that threatens their autonomy, when leaders or others are not responsible for their own behaviors and actions, and when their vulnerability isn't honored.
32:09
SPEAKER_00: The nine gets triggered when they are overlooked or ignored, or when they see that others are rude, insensitive, or harsh, and even if they're confronted and told what to do.
32:23
SPEAKER_00: The Enneagram 1 is triggered when others don't follow through or communicate changes, when they're scrutinized, then criticized, and when they see that others are not following the rules or are cutting corners.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: The Enneagram 2 is triggered when they're feeling rejected, dispensable, and especially taken for granted.
32:45
SPEAKER_00: They're also triggered if they are sensing that they're not needed or wanted, or if they find themselves unable to help those in need around them.
32:54
SPEAKER_00: The Enneagram 3 is triggered when they feel embarrassed, especially about something that is perceived as a failure, say losing an opportunity that hinders their ability to achieve greater status.
33:06
SPEAKER_00: Also when they feel inefficient or unsuccessful because they missed a goal or even lost a competition.
33:15
SPEAKER_00: The four feels triggered when they are limited in their ability for emotional expression or in the receptivity of their emotional expression, when they're compared to other successes or creative abilities, and also if they're not being seen as unique or one of a kind.
33:32
SPEAKER_00: The Enneagram 5 feels triggered when their time, energy, or resources are required and when they're uncertain if they have enough information for the conversation or the requirement put before them.
33:43
SPEAKER_00: Fives also do not appreciate surprises or feeling intruded upon.
33:49
SPEAKER_00: The Enneagram 6 feels triggered when their concerns or anxieties are not taken seriously, or only if they discover that their trustworthy sources maybe aren't so trustworthy.
34:01
SPEAKER_00: It also really hurts the six if they are targeted, blamed, or unfairly accused of something.
34:09
SPEAKER_00: And the Enneagram 7 is triggered when they are forced to deal with negative emotions or circumstances that may not get resolved, and if they're required to do mundane tasks or dismissed and not taken seriously.
34:24
SPEAKER_00: Whoa, now that is a lot of things, right?
34:28
SPEAKER_00: I don't expect for you to keep it all straight.
34:30
SPEAKER_00: I just love for you to take in the information and be mindful of what others are experiencing around you.
34:37
SPEAKER_00: And also, what's really going on beneath the surface for you?
34:41
SPEAKER_00: Is someone doing something that is triggering this pain point?
34:46
SPEAKER_00: Friend, a major key to wholehearted living in Christ and engaging in the rhythm of wholehearted celebration with others is prioritizing the care and the condition of your heart.
34:57
SPEAKER_00: This is not about more self-care and more selfishness.
35:00
SPEAKER_00: Instead, it's about true soul care.
35:03
SPEAKER_00: Take time to consider the unique wounds in your heart and soul and how they might tamper with your perspective and reactions toward people and situations, especially in these weeks as you gather during the holidays.
35:18
SPEAKER_00: The invitation that I remind my clients and myself is to deal with your sin and acknowledge the pain the wounded child still feels.
35:28
SPEAKER_00: And friend, that pain isn't going to go away overnight.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: It does impact your view of Father God and your ability to receive the beloved role that you were designed to live.
35:39
SPEAKER_00: When you acknowledge that your all-loving, all-knowing, all-healing father can not only repair you, but also can begin to rewire you, you can begin anew and fresh.
35:54
SPEAKER_00: Now, I've already begun working on some resources and episodes to share more about the repair and the rewiring process.
36:01
SPEAKER_00: But for now, let me give you a few less steps as you evaluate your wounded child triggers.
36:06
SPEAKER_00: First of all, evaluate your experience, identify your trigger, right?
36:10
SPEAKER_00: You're going through that list, listening what is standing out to you.
36:14
SPEAKER_00: Second, acknowledge your expectations of others, including God.
36:19
SPEAKER_00: It's ignorance to think that our kids, our spouse, our friends and family who are well-meaning aren't accidentally going to hit that wounded child part of your heart.
36:29
SPEAKER_00: Then validate the wounded child.
36:31
SPEAKER_00: Don't excuse it, but make room to understand it.
36:36
SPEAKER_00: And then flip the script.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: This is exchanging your lies for the truth found in the gospel, who God is and whose you are.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know all of that, that's going to be a whole episode and resources in the future.
36:51
SPEAKER_00: Because, friend, wholeness is found in Christ.
36:54
SPEAKER_00: It takes great intentionality and willingness to engage your heart with it.
36:58
SPEAKER_00: But when you do, I promise that you get to move into deeper places of wholeness with God, yourself, and others.
37:05
SPEAKER_00: And our journey goes on and on until we're with him.
37:10
SPEAKER_00: So, friend, it has been another amazing and wonderful wholehearted advent season.
37:15
SPEAKER_00: And while I plan on enjoying rhythms of celebration and rest, you can still find some incredible episodes headed your way.
37:23
SPEAKER_00: So make sure that you're following this podcast so you can see it on your podcast feed when the special bonus episode drops.
37:30
SPEAKER_00: And if you're a new listener, I hope that you feel seen and welcome today.
37:34
SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you've been around a while, man, I am so grateful to have you come back.
37:40
SPEAKER_00: I do value your listening time.
37:43
SPEAKER_00: So it means the world that you would share your daily routine with me, or at least weekly routine.
37:48
SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't already, could you take a minute to leave a five-star rating on this podcast app, plus a brief review of why you enjoyed following this podcast?
37:57
SPEAKER_00: I really do read every one of them.
38:00
SPEAKER_00: It blesses me more than you know, and it does help support the podcast.
38:05
SPEAKER_00: So, until next time, friend, continue to pursue God's perspective, purpose, and plan for the wholehearted celebration you desire.