Latest / Fartmouth / 344 - Spookmouth Fart-tacular!

Transcript

344 - Spookmouth Fart-tacular! · Fartmouth

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Chicken burger You seen that guy?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: The the Down syndrome Australian fella?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Chicken bugger.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, I haven't.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Chicken bugger.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Chicken bugger.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he says.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's all he says.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's all he says.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh is that his name?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh probably.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It came out of the fucking womb upside down with a chicken burger in his throat.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Chicken bugger.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Chicken bugger.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: The following film is a production of the Fort McDonald's chip and the university department.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for listening.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well my let's get fun.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Farthmyth University.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Get these election ads off my YouTube TV.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's Far Smith University.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, some of them though are fucking hilarious.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, for sure.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I just hate saying it.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, I saw this one the other day.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was like a fucking 4chan kid wrote it.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_02: It was so based.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_02: There's been some pretty fucking racist ones actually.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, the what I saw, I cannot remember the guy's name.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I could.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: It just came up on a YouTube ad, like between videos, and it was like, so and so wants trannies in the bathrooms and shit.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like he's they said some crazy stuff.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what the fuck is that?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Insane.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose host recently heard that goat's milk makes your bones stronger.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: So it only makes sense that I'm the fucking goat, and that's why I know it in my own mouth.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_03: Nice, dude.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I like science.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Every week we do a few rotating sections to make each other laugh.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm time.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Jay.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And we've got quite a spooky um.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: We got fucking It's spook mouth this week.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: It is a spook mouth fartacular.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: We both have on Fubu jerseys.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I've got uh I've got a big fucking platinum chain with a dragon on it.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Mine's raiders, obviously.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, when I look down, it spooks me a little bit.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because dragons are fucking skills.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm iced out, is what I'm saying.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm breathing ice fire over here with my necklace.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, dude, you gotta wear a mine shield when you're around me, because I got icy breath like a skeletal wyver in an old school runescape.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I hated myself when I thought of it, and I figured I'll just say it anyway, because I already hate myself for thinking it.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I might as well say it.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: I've I've probably done that with Metal Gear Solid like seven times.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's but your thing is not gay.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Metal Gear Solid.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: Metal Gear Solid's pretty straight, dog.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: It is like a it's a respectable game to play.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's a respectable main game, like main favorite game.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: My main favorite game is a point-and-click medieval adventure game from 2001.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, MGS is 98, dude.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_03: Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: But it tried to be uh what we now know as video games, you know?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: What like is in popular lore is like there's mechanics from the first Metal Gear Solid that exist in video.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the same thing could be said for RuneScape, I'll be honest.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Games are games, dude.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Who cares?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: Never mind.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_02: All all of the the pussies in the universe shriveled up at that conversation.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Good thing no broads listen to this.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sloppy.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Just by extension, somehow, just the aura of what we just said just shriveled all the pussies in the county.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: Oh fact they're dry as a bone.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: In the county?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: In the county we're in.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's a countywide pussy drought.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Call in the National Guard, dude.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: The Vagacational Guard.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: The Vagational Guard.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: Call him in.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: Vagational Guard, dude.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_02: Call them in, bro.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_02: Nice.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You look like you had some Nancy Pelosi shit pulled up on your phone a second ago.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: It was it had it had to do with the election ads thing, and uh I found out the answer to my question too late to bring it up.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: I saw her in an ad for this election.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Did she have strings to her limbs?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: It was an anti-Nancy Pelosi ad, and or anti-left, you know.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: It was uh it had all of them.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: It had Ilhan Ilhan Omar, it had uh AOC and whatnot, and it was just like slow motion fade-ins and fade outs, like fade from black to their face and then fade from black to the next face, and one of them was Nancy Pelosi.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then that scream noise that around the old YouTube videos where it's like a peaceful car ride, and she's like they put her face up.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: Kinda, but mostly it w I was thinking like she's not in office no more, man.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: Like, why are you still using her?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Banking on ignorance.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for sure.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: For sure they are.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: Because old people vote in droves.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: True.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: The ones that are left and right.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Got 'em.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, we have a like left alive as well.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's a special episode, is what we're saying.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um Halloween, dude.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's yeah, dude, it's spooky season.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: All the bitches are wearing sweaters now.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's gray.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I love that I can't see tits or ass because they're long and covers their butts.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is the worst time of year.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: So we might as well get some fun out of horror, right?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: God damn.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we've got uh a spook tacular episode, as we stated previously.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: We're doing spurgy spooks, but it's we wrote the fucking stories edition.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: So the the humor is intentional for once in our scary stories.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and maybe a little bit unintentional if we make some mistakes.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: So everybody get your fucking grammar scorecards out and do your Nazi salutes.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Cause we've got special edition where we both are the dick doing.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_02: I want a day.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: I like your yayes.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you can also do a bad music.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: You've been listening to I only biscuit, haven't you?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_02: Actually not, but I'm just primed up for a yeah yeah anytime, dude.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: Word, word.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, I'm assuming uh it looks like you want to go first.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think we sort of discussed that.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: We did a little bit.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm also assuming you want the haunted banjo music.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, let's fucking go, dude.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: Uh it'll start.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Uh well, I have to wait for it.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: My story is titled 72 Grapes.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: 72 Grapes?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm interested in where this is going.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I should probably turn that up just a smidge.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh no, it's fine.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go to it's at three, I'm gonna go to four.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, okay.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: That feels better.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: It gets a little louder later, I think.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, 72 grapes.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: 72 grapes.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: I'm afraid this is gonna be too short, but we'll see.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you were about to get hung up on the volume again.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you're gonna say, I'm afraid this is gonna be too loud.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Tyler, turn it the fuck turn.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let's spend the first 20 minutes of the show like compromising on the audio.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's no 3.5, Jake.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Three's too quiet, four's too loud.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: What are we gonna do?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: Let's let's put it on six.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: Let's figure it out.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's crack it up.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Let's put it on 80.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'll talk louder.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably we'll just yell our stories.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's scary!
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_02: Aren't you?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: And then there was a jiggling of the doorknob.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah, dude.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna read it that bad too.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go, dude.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: 72 graves.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited, dude.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to hear your story.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to read my story.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's so dude, I'm about to stim.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm about to stim, bro.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: My little handsies.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_02: Alright, let's fucking go.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_02: On a brisk September 30th, I stepped into an Indian-owned g- stepped into the Indian-owned g hold on.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_02: I've already You're nervous.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Shake it off, bud.
• 8:47
  unknown: Fuck it.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: No one's listening.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, you know.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Me, you, and a couple hundred people that are gonna judge you and make fun of you.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: On a brisk September 30th, I stepped into the Indian-owned and run gas station down the block from my house with one thing in mind.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_02: Nicotine.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_02: Pussy.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: It should have been, I guess.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: Finally, having reached the breaking point on the price of cigarettes, I was determined to quit the most expensive version of the habit.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: I settled for vaping like I had so many times before.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: The burgeoning health concerns of vaping didn't impact my decision so much as the cheapness of the disposable contraptions.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_02: And as I began to study the large cases of products atop the counter, one name stood out above the crowd.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: A lahu Akbar.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_02: Emblazoned.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: Emblazoned the front of a series of boxes in the case.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: It's so funny because it's like Geek Bar.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, dude.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: Alahu Akbar.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: I know I thought of that.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: What a pun, bro.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: Uh the race chrome old English font led an onlooker's eyes to the box, but the photo of the actual vape below it did not look unlike any other vape company's offering.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: Below the photo was more old English font, but black this time, reading, flavors that will have you so high on life you won't want to learn how to land.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: And then below that, it read, You'll never forget the taste.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: That was enough for me.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: I asked the man behind the counter for two, and he rang me up.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: These are new These are the new, just came in today, he said with a thick accent.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: Sick.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: I guess I'm patient zero.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: I joked.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't get it.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I did not mean for the that's crazy that the Taylor Swift joke I made earlier, and then with a hate hate-hate, and then patient zero.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_02: Anyway, sorry.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_02: I joked.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't get it.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: The two flavors I went with were one called 72 Grapes, and another that simply said berry.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: It wasn't until I got them out to the parking lot that I saw a smaller tagline on the box.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: Just plain good, it said, with a curious misspelling of plain.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the flavors that'll be, beep, beep, beep, baby.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, nice dude.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_02: I wasn't expecting dark satire when I went looking for a nicotine alternative.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: But who am I to argue with fate?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_02: I took 72 grapes out of its packaging and took a long drag from it.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_02: The taste resembled artificial grape flavoring, but the aftertaste was quite an acquired one.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_02: Berry wasn't much better on that front, so I stuck with grape and shoved berry into the compartment in my car's door once I got back to my place.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_02: The vape sat beside my mouse pad on my gaming desk for the rest of the night.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_02: Occasionally I would pick it up and take a hit as I slowly acquired that aftertaste.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_02: I migrated to the couch once I began to get tired and fell asleep to old episodes of It's Always Sunny.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: I awoke with the vape right next to my face and chuckled at the convenience of being able to hit it without moving either hand out from under the blanket I had draped over myself at some point through the night.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: So cozy.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_02: For the next week, I alternated between grape and berry, always keeping the one I wasn't using in my car door just in case.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_02: One vape mishap too far away from one of the gas stations that sold them, and I would be right back into the clutches of the cigarettes I've done.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do that in the summertime.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, for sure.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: On my way to work, on October 7th, I glanced down at the 72 Grapes vape I was exhaling and saw that it was about half full.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: I looked up to see the stoplight in front of me turn red, and I slammed on my brakes with my 2010 Toyota Corolla squealing to a stop.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this guy's poor.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_02: Uh movement out of the driver's side window caught my attention, and I turned to find a visibly dirty man with a cardboard sign.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_02: He was on his way to my window, and while I normally try not to share what little cash I have with these folks, that morning's chipper disposition led me to entertain the man.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: I rolled my window down all the way and said, Here you go, buddy, as I pulled my wallet out from my back pocket and fished a couple dollar bills from it.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_02: He said, Thank you kindly, and reached to take the money, but before I knew it, he had gripped my whole wallet and was attempting to pull it out the window.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_02: You fucking prick, I muttered through gritted teeth, pulling the wallet from his grasp, sending it careening into the passenger side window and down onto the seat behind me.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_02: He quickly reached the same hand down into my lap and picked up the 72 grapes vape I had just been enjoying.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: He backed up a few feet from my car and held it up braggadociously, smiling with many teeth missing before he hit the thing and returned it to the air again, vapor pouring through the many gaps in his jack-o'-lantern smile.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_02: I began to say, fuck you, with my eyes closing hard in anger, but before a word could escape my lips, there was a loud pop, and I opened my eyes to find blood squirting from the hole where the man's hand had just been holding the vape.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_02: Oh shit.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: Just in that instant, I smelled the distinct aroma of burning plastic and remembered the other vape in my car door.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_02: More swiftly than I knew myself to be, I lobbed it out the window where it landed at the homeless man's feet before also detonating, blowing both his legs off at about mid-shin.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_02: He fell screaming with viscera and oblong, stringy portions, not unlike bloody strips of shredded beef jerky, vibrated violently as he began to thrash and seize and shock.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: In my flustered stupor, I found myself within a co ah, fuck it.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_02: Within my God damn it.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: Hold on.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_02: It's I got dry mouth and I'm like I'm overthinking the dry mouth and ugh.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_02: In my flustered stupor, I found myself with a cogent moment.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: Within a cogent moment.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_02: Reserving God damn it.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_02: Reversing down the deserted road so that he could not identify my license plate.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_02: I shifted into drive and turned down another road to make a wide berth around the man's known stationary location.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: I thought it was funny to put stationary there because he couldn't go anywhere.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_02: Someone would help him, but it wasn't going to be me.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_02: As I pulled into my driveway, I noticed a crowd of folks milling about on the sidewalk in front of the neighborhood gas station I had bought the vapes from, with a steadily rolling plume of smoke escaping the wide open front doors.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're like a f you're like the fucking hot dog guy from the Tim uh Tim Robinson sketch.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, what happened to this guy?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_02: With within an hour, well yeah, but then now there's smoke rolling out of the gas station down the street.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_02: Within an hour, the story was international news.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_02: Around 17,000 vapes exploded across the United States, including the many unbought ones inside gas stations and smoke shops.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_02: Many suspected the IDF.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_02: And since it's now been six months and no one has taken the blame or been caught, everyone knows it was definitely the IDF.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, and in case you were wondering, that's the own this is the only time I put O I would ever do that, is because it's at the very end of the story.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, and in case you were wondering, I decided to just roll my own cigarettes.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh fuck, that's the story I think.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_02: It was a little too short, but that's alright.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna I'm gonna overcompensate for that.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, bro.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_02: But I thought concept pretty cool.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_02: I'm bringing back the uh the fucking uh Israel's blowing up of the pagers, but this time it's vapes.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_02: And and so my whole concept was it'd be funny if Israel sold vapes to the US under the guise of them being regular ass vapes, and they would go through a proxy, you know.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_02: And then but really they're marketed for free Palestine motherfuckers, you know, which I guess I probably should have spelled out, and given given more time, I may have done that.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_02: No, I would I think it was I felt like the exposition was already too much, and I need to get to the explosion, you know.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, I mean I think that it it's implied enough that anybody that's like with it.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_02: So they're like anybody who buys these or any gas station who's okay with selling these, we're okay with them dying, is kind of Israel's position in the targeting people that uh yeah.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_02: No, that's and that's so that's the concept.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: The dude was like, that's great.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: Anyone who would consider that dark satire is the type of person to be free Palestine as well.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, true.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: No, that was that's a great concept that they would use vapes as like explosive devices.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I just thought of that.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like any no one looks inside this shit.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_02: It could there could be a little bit of C4, enough to blow your hand off, probably.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_02: Truly.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, that's fucking awesome.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: I love that bar.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's so funny, dude.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_02: I think, if I'm not mistaken, I after I thought of that, I was like, wait a minute.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like 90% sure that at some point we were talking about vapes, and somehow we had already been talking about Muslims or something.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_02: Back at the farthouse, I vaguely remember making the joke, oh, if if Muslims had a vape, it'd be the Allah Hu Akbar.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: And but I I feel I wonder if it was where a thing that I thought of and didn't say because the moment had passed or whatever.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I would have remembered that because that is fucking like that's such a high level, like if you vaped before and you've seen the names of these things and bought them that that would hit you that hit me so hard because that's why I thought we did it at the maybe I don't know.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like it's a lot of things.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_02: I could have been filling in memory details to you know what I mean.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I would have remembered that because that's so fucking funny, dude.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah, dude.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_02: I had fun writing it.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_02: Snaps all around.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_02: It was a fun write because I was like, uh I can make some parts of this flowery and you know descriptive, and then other parts of it are just nuts and bolts.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: I had a lot I had a lot of fun listening to it, so I'm glad you had fun writing it.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: I also had a lot of fun writing mine.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I'm gonna get high and listen.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_02: That's a good thing.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you uh I think you will.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_02: I think you will when shit gets real and and I gotta make a fucking joke about it.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: I got a lot of reading to do, so I'm just gonna get right into it, boys.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: The title of my story is Just a Game.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm waiting for the music.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: I know I hit the button.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Load.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's such a big file.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: I need to make it smaller.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: There we go.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: It might do it twice.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just a game.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about the last person you pissed off on the internet.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not somebody you know, not a coworker or your asshole neighbor who keeps parking his truck halfway across your driveway.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about a complete stranger.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody you called a dumbass in a Twitter thread or told to go fuck themselves on Reddit.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody who you absolutely humiliated in a video game, maybe.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now think about how little you know about that person.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know their name, you don't know where they live, you don't know what they do for a living, what they're capable of, or what kind of shit is going on inside of their head.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: And most importantly, you don't know what happens when you log off.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Jack.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a 36-year-old, and until about three months ago, I had a pretty decent life.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: I had a good job, a nice house, a girlfriend, and a couple of friends who tolerated me despite my numerous and well-documented personality defects.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm unemployed, my girlfriend won't speak to me, and I sleep on an air mattress in my best friend's basement.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: All because I beat some dickhead at Madden.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: And now I and now And I know how retarded that sounds, believe me, I've had plenty of time to think about it, but I swear every word of this is true.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: It started on a Thursday night in August.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: My girlfriend Helga had gone to bed early.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: She wasn't feeling well, so I decided I'd take care of some things around the house.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: She'd gotten home, eaten a few bites of the spaghetti I'd made, and announced that if I woke her up before 8 a.m., she'd stab me in the fucking throat.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: She had such a nurturing personality.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: I love that about her.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I had the house to myself.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I smoked a bowl, grabbed my headset, and fired up Madden.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm a Raiders fan.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Have been my entire life.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Which, if you know anything about football, should tell you that I'm deeply familiar with disappointment, humiliation, and making terrible decisions.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: But this was a new era.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Fernando Mendoza was our guy.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: The future of the franchise.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'd spent the entire offseason telling anybody who would fucking listen to me that the Raiders were finally turning things around.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: My best friend had started sending me the suicide prevention hotline every time I mentioned the playoffs.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: But fuck him.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is our year.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was also getting pretty goddamn good at Madden.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: Not professional gamer good, but good enough that I could regularly beat guys who took the game way more seriously than I did.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to talk shit a lot.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't one of those guys who sent death threats or screen racial slurs at twelve-year-olds.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: I had standards.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Low standards, admittedly, but standards.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was more of a creative insult kind of guy.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you threw an interception against me, I was gonna let you know about it.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you went for it on fourth and twenty, you were gonna hear my vulgar opinions.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if you r rage quit, oh boy, you just made my whole fucking night.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: My gamer tag was Jack the Snack 69.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I made it when I was a teenager.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not changing it.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: That night I got matched against somebody named You Owe Me One.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was the Raiders, he picked the Chiefs.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: I already hated this motherfucker.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you're the Chiefs, I said into my headset.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Let me guess, your other hobbies include sucking cock and jamming out to Taylor Swift.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: No response.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever, some people don't like talking.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: The first quarter was actually pretty competitive.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: He had a good defense, ran the ball effectively, and didn't make many mistakes.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: He scored on his opening drive, and I answered with a touchdown of my own.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: By halftime, I was down 17 to 14.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'll admit, I was getting a little irritated.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: You really gonna run the same three fucking plays all night?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: I said.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know there's a whole playbook, right?
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just that little rectangle with all the fucking words in it.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_03: All the arrows going different ways, you fucking idiot.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Third quarter, he threw a pass over the middle that I picked off and took down for or took back for a touchdown.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: I lost my mind.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you dumb bitch! That sticks, baby.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's fucking go.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: I stood up off the couch, pumping my fist like I'd personally just won the AFC championship.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Who the fuck were you throwing to?
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus Christ, there was nobody there.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: Still nothing.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Then he fumbled on the next drive.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: I recovered.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Two plays later, another touchdown.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Bro, I've seen better decisions made by people eating gas station sushi! You might actually be the first person to qualify as mentally retarded based purely on Madden gameplay.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: By the fourth quarter, I was up by 21.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where I probably crossed the line.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: There were 30 seconds left.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: I had the ball.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: All I needed to do was kneel it out.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: I called a timeout.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Hey buddy, you still there?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just checking.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know you've been getting skull fucked for the last 20 minutes, and I'm worried about ya.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: I threw a 40-yard bomb.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Touchdown.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: I screamed so loud I heard Helga pound on the bedroom wall.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's game, that's game, faggot! Somebody get this man a helmet and a drool rag.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was laughing so hard I nearly spilled my drink.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Bro, delete the fucking game.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, go play Stardew Valley, plant some fucking turnips, find something you're good at.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's finally when he spoke.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's when he finally spoke.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: Are you done?
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: His voice was quiet.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe late 30s, early 40s, no accent, just a normal sounding guy.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: I grinned.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: Holy shit, Helen Keller speaks.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_05: God damn, dude.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you done, Jack?
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_05: You're getting me.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: I laughed again.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh come on, dude.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't take it personally.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone gets their cheeks clapped sometimes.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: There was a pause.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: Then he said, You seem like a pretty happy guy.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: That caught me off guard.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, I'm 28 points happier than you are, motherfucker.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: Another pause.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder how long that'll last.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: Something about the way he said it made me stop smiling.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not because he sounded mad, he didn't.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: He sounded like curious.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like somebody asking how long it would take for an ice cube to melt.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck does that mean?
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: Good game, Jack.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: Then he disconnected.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: I sat there looking at the scoreboard for maybe ten seconds.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: I felt a little weird.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Then I shook my head, laughed it off, and went up or went up went to bed.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: Just another weirdo online.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot him I forgot about him before I fell asleep.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing that happened was my bank account.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: Friday morning I stopped for gas on the way to work, swiped my debit card, declined, tried again, declined.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: Pulled out my credit card, declined.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, fuck me, I guess.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: I checked my banking app and the account was locked due to suspicious activity.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: I called the bank and apparently someone tried to access my account several times overnight.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: The bank had frozen everything as a precaution.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: Annoying, but not the end of the world.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Spent my entire lunch break on the phone getting things straightened out, and then I got an email from my credit card company.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: By five o'clock, every card in my wallet had been frozen.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: When I told Helga, she asked if I'd she asked if I'd bought something from another one of those sketchy websites.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: I bought one fucking jersey from Temu, Helga.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: You bought three.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's irrelevant to the current problem.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: She laughed and told me to change my passwords.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: That night I was watching television and my phone buzzed.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: A PlayStation message.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: From you owe me one.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: Rough day?
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: I stared at it for a moment.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't figure out why the name looked familiar.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: Then I remembered.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: The fucking Chiefs guy.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: I chuckled and typed back.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Ha ha ha ha! You still crying about that ass whoopin'?
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: The reply came almost immediately.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just checking on ya.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm great, buddy.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: You still getting your shit pushed in on Madden?
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: A few seconds passed.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: You should be careful.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: You should be more careful with your money.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: I sat up.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: I read it twice.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: Then I typed, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: No response.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: I clicked his profile.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: Offline.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: I told myself it was a coincidence.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he'd looked up my Twitter account and saw me complaining about the bank or something.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: People say weird shit on online all the time.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: I blocked him and went to bed.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: Two weeks later, Helg and I went to visit my parents for Labor Day weekend.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: They lived about an hour away in a little town where absolutely fucking nothing happens, and everybody somehow still knows about it.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was a good weekend.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: We grilled, drank, smoked, and spent most of the Sunday and spent most of Sunday listening to my dad explain why the raiders suck.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: When we got home Monday evening, the entire house smelled like a dead raccoon who crawled up inside a homeless man's ass.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: A refrigerator had died.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Everything inside was rotten, chicken, milk, vegetables, everything.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: The freezer had thawed completely, leaving a brown puddle spreading across the floor.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: Helga opened the fridge, gagged, and immediately went outside.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: I spent the next three hours throwing away groceries and questioning whether arson would be covered by our homeowner's insurance.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: The repairman came Tuesday morning.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: He pulled the fridge away from the wall and examined the back.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: After a few minutes he called me over.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's your problem.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: He pointed to the power cord.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Near the plug, the insulation had been sliced open.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: Looks like the cord shorted out.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: I crouched beside him.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: How does that happen?
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hard to say, you got mice?
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: Pets?
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: How the fuck would they get behind the fridge?
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: He examined it more closely.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty clean cut.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: I looked at the cord, and it really was.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Not chewed, not frayed, just cut.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: Could it have come like that?
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: He shrugged.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't be my first guess.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: I checked every door and window that evening.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Everything was locked.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing was missing.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't think of anybody who would have wanted to sneak into my house and murder my refrigerator.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was so stupid I almost laughed.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: Then I remembered the message.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: You should be more careful with your money.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: And for the first time I wondered whether the two things were connected.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Over the next month, the little problems started piling up.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: My Amazon account got locked.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody tried to reset my email password about fifty times.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: I received notices about credit applications I hadn't submitted.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: A package I'd ordered disappeared from our porch, even though the delivery photo clearly showed it sitting there.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: One sec, I need a drink.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: Then somebody changed the mailing address on one of my accounts.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: I spent entire evenings dealing with customer service departments.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I thought I'd fixed everything, something else went wrong.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: Helga started calling it the Jack Curse.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: At first it was funny.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hey babe, can you grab some milk on the way home?
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, assuming the bank hasn't repossessed my fucking identity again.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: We laughed.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: We were still laughing then, but things got worse.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: I started getting phone calls from block numbers, usually late at night.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'd answer and nobody would say anything.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes there was a faint noise I couldn't identify.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: Once I heard what sounded like a television playing in the background.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: After a while, I stopped answering.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: The calls continued.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: One night at about 2 AM, I got a voicemail.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: There were twenty seconds of silence and then a voice.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: Still having fun, Jack?
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: I recognized it immediately.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: The fucking guy from Madden.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: I played it again and again.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: Same calm, ordinary voice.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: I woke Helga.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: She listened to it and asked who it was.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: I explained everything.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: The game, the messages, the bank accounts, the refrigerator, the shit talking.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: She looked concerned.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Jack, you need to call the cops.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was more anxious than usual, so I did.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Just snuck that one in there.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just tearing you down.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: The officer was polite.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: He took a report, looked at the screenshots, and told me to document any further harassment.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: He also suggested that somebody I know might be playing a prank on me.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to explain that nobody I knew was committed enough to to a joke to destroy a refrigerator and commit multiple counts of identity theft.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: My best friend?
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, but he's too fat and lazy.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I thank the cop anyway.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_02: So hold like the fucking refrigerator cord was cut?
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: The insulation around it was cut.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like the the rubber jacket.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: So it shorted out.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so and you would have to like pull it out, get back there, get down to where the cord is and cut it, you know?
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_02: Or at least reach back there and pull the cord out to cut some of it, you know?
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_02: So that means mu the motherfucker broke in.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's a lot, bro.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_02: That's way more than getting, you know, fucking than stealing packages and sending shit to, you know, the wrong, you know, changing addresses and passwords and sh, you know?
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe that's a whole different step.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_02: It's different.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_02: I would be the most concerned about that one, obviously.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_02: Probably.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_02: It gets worse.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_02: If this was me, it doesn't sound like me, but if it was me, it doesn't sound like you at all.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I I should I forgot to preface.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you like psychological horror.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Uh all right, but I thank the cop anyway.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: Then, about a week later, the Mendoza thing happened.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Fernando Mendoza is my favorite player, the Raiders' quarterback, the future of the franchise, the guy I'd spent the entire offset offseason defending like he was my boyfriend.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, and I'll keep doing it, dude.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: I had his jersey and a frame picture of him on the wall in my garage.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, I don't have the second thing.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: Helga called him my little fuck toy.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: She also asked if I had planned to wear his jersey to our wedding.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: I told her I'd consider it.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: She told me she'd consider marrying someone else.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I was sitting on the couch, scrolling through my phone, and I saw the headline.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: Raiders quarterback, Fernando Mendoza, hospitalized after a serious car accident.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_03: Damn, dude.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_03: Damn.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: My stomach dropped.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: The article said he'd have been involved in a violent collision and suffered potentially life-ending injuries.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_03: Don't wish that evil on me, Ricky Bobby.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, dude.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: I spent 20 minutes reading every update I could.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: Then my phone buzzed.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: Another PlayStation message.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: Different account this time.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth downs.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Damn, tough break for your boy.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: I stared at it.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: Another message appeared.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: You really can't catch a break lately, can you?
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: I felt a cold sensation run through my chest.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: I used the raiders in our game.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: The guy knew I was a fan.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: But this was different.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't just the timing, it was the way he'd immediately recognized something that would hurt me.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: Something he could use to remind me that he was still there.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: I typed back.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck do you want?
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: The answer came a few seconds later.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just keeping score.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: I blocked him.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: Then I went through my social media accounts.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: My Facebook was public.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: My Twitter was public.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: There were pictures of my house, my car, my job, my parents, Helga.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'd posted about our Labor Day trip.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'd even fucking posted pictures of our new refrigerator we'd bought after we replaced the old one with a caption joking about my shitty luck.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: I even posted a screenshot of the original Madden game.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: The final score.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath I'd written, Some poor bastard just got absolutely violated.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: I suddenly felt like I was standing naked in the middle of a crowded room.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'd spent years putting my entire life online for anyone to see, and now someone was watching.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just checking the time.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't, but I think I could figure it out.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: Bought new locks for the house and installed ring doorbell cameras all over the place.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: I even deleted my PlayStation profile.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: Helga thought that last part was a little extreme.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: Jack, it's just a game.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: I snapped at her.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: Can you please stop saying that?
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: She looked startled.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: I apologized.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: But something had changed between us.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't sleeping much anymore.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: Every sound outside made me check the ring doorbell cameras.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: Every unknown number made my stomach turn.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I was angry all the time.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was pissed off at the bank, pissed off at the police, pissed at whatever delivery driver had apparently decided my packages were part of his compensation.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I was pissed at Helga too.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not because she'd done anything wrong, but she was the only person around.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: One night she found me sitting in the living room at three in the morning, watching the rings uh the security cameras with my 22 revolver in my lap.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_00: She stood in the doorway for a long time.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: Jack, you're scaring me.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: I tried to explain that I was just being careful.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: She sat beside me and said, I believe you.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: I believe someone's harassing you, but you can't keep doing this.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: What am I supposed to do?
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, but this isn't working.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have an answer.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I went back to watching the cameras.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I accidentally deleted a line, but I just misread it.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing he took was my job.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'd worked at the same company for years.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: Good pay, decent benefits, and a boss who wasn't a complete prick all the time.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: One Monday morning, HR called me in.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: Boss was there, along with the HR director.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently someone had been emailing the management.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: The emails contained screenshots of conversations supposedly between me and a teenage girl.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: Explicit conversations.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: Disgusting shit.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: They were fake.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'd never even seen this girl before.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: But somebody had used my name, my picture, and a phone number that looked like mine.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: Then HR played an audio recording.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was my voice.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_00: Screaming obscenities, making threats, saying wild shit.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: I recognized pieces of it.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: The Madden game.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody had recorded my trash talk and cut it together with other audio to make it sound like I was threatening an actual person.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: I tried explaining.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: I showed them the police report and the messages.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: My boss just shook his head.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: He told me they'd have to suspend me while they investigated.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: I asked for how long.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: He said he didn't know.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: Two days later, they fired me.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: They cited violations of company policies and inappropriate use of company systems.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't understand that last part until later.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: Someone had logged into my fucking work accounts.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: There were emails in my scent folder that I hadn't written.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: Internal documents had been forwarded outside of the company.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody had been using my login for weeks.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'd given them just enough reason to believe I was responsible for it, at least some of it.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_00: Just like that, my career was gone.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: When I walked out carrying a cardboard box full of my desk shit, I got a number a I got a text from an unknown number.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: Shoulda run out the clock.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_00: I stood in the parking lot looking at it.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_00: Then I started laughing.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: Not because it was funny, because I couldn't figure out what the fuck else to do.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: I laughed until I was crying.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_00: Till a woman t wa uh walking toward the building saw me and changed direction.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: I probably looked like a fucking maniac.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I am.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: By October, my credit cards were completely maxed out.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: I applied for dozens of jobs, every interview seemed to go well, a few companies even seemed interested.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: Then they'd stop responding.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, one hiring manager, a guy I'd known for years, called me privately.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: He told me somebody had sent his company an on an anonymous email containing allegations about me, screenshots, recordings, and links to a website.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_00: A website with my name, my picture, my home address, a detailed account of every supposedly horrible thing I'd done.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: There were screenshots from old social media arguments, crude jokes I'd made years ago, and snippets of me saying racist shit on my podcast.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, that last one probably did more damage to my reputation than any of the fake allegations.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: The site portrayed me as a violent, unstable sexual predator.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: It had been it had been shared in a loc in local Facebook groups.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_00: People were commenting on it.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody posted our address.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_00: Another person suggested my former employer should be investigated for covering up my behavior.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_00: I called the cops again.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: This time a detective came to the house.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: He listened, took notes, looked at everything I'd collected.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: He seemed genuinely concerned.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_00: One moment Are you invested?
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: He seemed genuinely concerned.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: But he also explained that tracking somebody down online wasn't always straightforward, especially when they were hiding their identity.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: He asked if I'd made any enemies.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_00: I almost laughed out loud.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently one pretty fucking significant one.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: He asked if I knew the man's name, his real name.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: Where he lived?
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_00: Whether I'd ever met him?
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_00: I had a gamer tag, some audio messages, and a few seconds of recorded er some text messages and a few seconds of recorded audio, but that was it.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: The first major fight Helgen and I had was over the ring doorbell cameras.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: She'd caught me looking through the footage from our driveway while she was at work.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't watching her.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was checking whether anybody had been near the house.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: But she'd noticed I'd also been checking the timestamps of when she left and when she came home.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: Jack, are you keeping track of where I'm going?
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm trying to figure out if somebody's been following you.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why would somebody be following me?
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're fucking with us.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or because you're getting paranoid.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: I lost my temper, I yelled, she yelled back, I told her she didn't know what the fuck she was talking about.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_00: She told me I was making everything worse.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_00: At one point I punched the kitchen cabinet hard enough to split my knuckle.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: Helga went completely silent.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: I looked at my hand and then at her face.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'd never seen her look at me like that before.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_00: I tried apologizing, she said she needed to go for a drive.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_00: I asked where she was going, she told me it didn't matter.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: I followed her to the front door.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: Helga, please, can we just talk?
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_00: She turned around.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: Move.
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_00: I stepped aside, she left.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_00: I spent the next hour sitting on the kitchen floor staring at the cabinet.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: I kept telling myself that wasn't really me.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: It was the stress, the sleep deprivation, the harassment.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_00: None of it mattered.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_00: She was still pissed at me.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: Three days later, somebody emailed Helga.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_00: The subject line was, You deserve to know.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_00: It contained screenshots of messages supposedly between me and another woman.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_00: There were pictures of hotel reservations, receipts, conversations arranging hookups.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_00: All fake, but they were convincing enough.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: And unlike the screenshots sent to my employer, these included real deal details about our lives.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: They referenced a trip I had taken out of town not too long ago.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: A restaurant I'd actually eaten at.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_00: Whoever made them had been reading more than my social media.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: They'd been inside my accounts.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe my phone, maybe my email, maybe both.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_00: Helga confronted me that night.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_00: I told her they were fake, she said she didn't believe me.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_00: I showed her the messages I'd been receiving.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: She looked through them.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then she asked me something.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_00: Jack, how do I know which messages are real anymore?
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have an answer.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_00: She told me she didn't know what to believe.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_00: She said she was tired of being afraid every time my phone her phone buzzed.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_00: I told her she'd s she'd started having oh my god, I misread that so bad.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_00: She told me she'd started having panic attacks at work, and then she said something that absolutely destroyed me.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I can do this anymore.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: Things got worse after that.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_00: Someone started sending threatening messages to her from accounts pretending to be mine.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_00: She knew they weren't actually from me, um, and that it was from someone harassing us, but that didn't make receiving them any less terrible.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: At the same time, my own behavior was getting worse.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was drinking too much, sleeping three or four hours a night, spending entire days searching through old emails and security footage.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'd stopped looking for work.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_00: I barely showered, barely ate.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_00: Everything was about finding this guy.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: One night I saw somebody standing across the street.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_00: I ran outside with the 22, barefoot, in my underwear, screaming.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_00: The figure turned out to be a neighbor walking his dog.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: He called the cops.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't blame him.
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_00: If some psycho half naked skinny boy came charging across the street at me with a gun at two in the morning, I'd probably shit and piss and puke.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: The police came, they took the gun, and they asked me they asked whether Helga felt safe.
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_00: I remember how long she hesitated before answering.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_00: She said yes, but wouldn't look at me.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_00: The next morning she packed a bag.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: She said she was gonna stay with her parents for a few days.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_00: I begged her not to.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_00: I told her that leaving was exactly what this guy wanted.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_00: She said, I know.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_00: Then she said, Jack, I can't keep living like this.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_00: I stood in the doorway while she loaded the car.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to apologize for everything, and said, instead, I said something stupid.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're really gonna let some random asshole from Madden ruin our relationship?
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_00: She stopped and turned around, and looked at me with an expression I'll never forget.
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_00: No, Jack.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: She shook her head.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm leaving because of what you've become.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_00: Then she got in the car and drove away.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I could tell you this is the part where I finally tracked him down, where I uncovered some elaborate conspiracy, followed a trail of clues, and found the bastard sitting behind a computer in his mom's basement.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I could tell you that I confronted him, that I beat his ass, that I made him apologize.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_00: That but that isn't what happened.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_00: What happened was much worse.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: He stopped.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_00: He just stopped.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: No messages, no calls, no new accounts trying to access my information.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_00: The website disappeared, their harassment ended as suddenly as it had started.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_00: At first I thought the detective had finally gotten somewhere, but when I called, he said the investigation was still open and that nothing had changed.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_00: My attacker had simply decided he was finished.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I was left standing in the wreckage.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_00: No job, no girlfriend, no money, no idea who'd done it.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_00: I tried rebuilding, I tried seeing a therapist, I got sober.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_00: I found a part-time job stocking shelves at a grocery store back in my hometown.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_00: Right back to your roots, dude.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh somewhere where people wouldn't recognize me.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: I moved in with my best friend while we figured out what to do with the house.
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't give me shit about the Raiders anymore, and somehow that was worse.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: For a while, I thought I might actually be getting better.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_00: Then one night, he asked if I wanted to watch football.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_00: Raiders vs.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_00: Chiefs.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_00: I said sure.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_00: We ordered pizza, sat on the couch, and watched the game.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was the first time in months I'd felt anything resembling normal.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_00: About halfway through the third quarter, my phone buzzed.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_00: An email, unknown sender, no subject.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: There was one attachment, an audio file.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_00: I knew before opening it, I fucking knew.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I opened it anyway, and it was a recording of me, my voice, from that first Madden game.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was laughing, screaming the screaming, calling the guy every name under the book.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_00: It went on for almost a minute, then the recording ended, and his voice came through calm and ordinary.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: Are you done?
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_00: I sat there staring at the phone.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_00: My friend asked what was wrong.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't answer.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then another email arrived.
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_00: This one had a subject line.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_00: Final score.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_00: Inside was a single photograph.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_00: Helga.
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_00: She was standing outside a restaurant with a man I'd never seen before.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: She was smiling, the kind of smile I hadn't seen on her face in months.
• 48:39
  SPEAKER_00: The photo looked like it had been taken across the street.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath it was a message.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_00: She looks happier without you.
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_00: I dropped my phone.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: My friend picked it up and read the email.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_00: He asked me if I knew who he was.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_00: I shook my head.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_00: He asked if I wanted him to find him and beat the fuck out of him.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: I shook my head again.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_00: He asked what I wanted to do, and for the first time since all this started, I had absolutely no fucking idea.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're almost done.
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_00: That was three weeks ago.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: Haven't gotten another message.
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if Helga's actually seeing somebody else.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know whether the guy in the picture was a date, a coworker, or some random asshole, or the random asshole who has been fucking with me.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_00: I hadn't asked.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to know.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I wonder whether my attacker ever intended to take things this far.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he only wanted to scare me.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe freezing my accounts was supposed to be the whole thing.
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he thought I'd learned my lesson after the refrigerator.
• 49:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe this was the plan from the beginning.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think about it a lot.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_00: About how much effort he must have put into this.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: The fake messages, the stolen accounts, the website, the research.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody spent months fucking dismantling my life.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_00: And what did I do to deserve it?
• 49:49
  SPEAKER_00: I beat him at a fucking video game.
• 49:51
  SPEAKER_00: I called him some names, sure, I laughed at him, but that's it.
• 49:54
  SPEAKER_00: I know I was being an asshole, trust me.
• 49:56
  SPEAKER_00: Thought about every word I said that night.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_00: If I could go back, I'd have shut my mouth.
• 50:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'd have run out the clock.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_00: Probably just forfeit the fucking game.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I can't stop thinking about.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't have to do any of this.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_00: He could have blocked me, muted me, turned off his PlayStation and gone to bed.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_00: He could have forgotten I even existed.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, he must have made the most important things thing in his life.
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_00: And fuck me.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, he made me the most important thing in his life.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually, he became the most important thing in mine.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's the part that scares me the most.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not that he knew how to get into my accounts, not that he knew where I live, not even that he managed to convince people I so I was someone I wasn't.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's that he understood exactly how to make me destroy myself.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't force me to scream at her.
• 50:41
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't make me punch the cabinet, he didn't pull the gun out and put it in my hand.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_00: He just kept pushing and pushing and pushing until I did the rest for him.
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_00: I still don't know who he is, I don't know why he picked me.
• 50:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know whether he was sitting in his basement laughing the whole time, or whether he'd convinced himself I somehow deserved everything that happened, but I know something now that I didn't know before.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_00: There are people in this world who don't need money or power or even a good reason to fuck you.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_00: Some people just need you to give them an excuse.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_00: The internet is full of people looking for one.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_00: So the next time you're playing a game and some stranger makes a stupid mistake and you feel that little rush of excitement because you've got the perfect insult lined up, maybe just take the win, run out the clock, tell them good game.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_00: Cause you never know who's on the other end of that headset.
• 51:29
  SPEAKER_00: I learned the hard way.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_00: 35 to 14.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_00: I still remember the score.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_00: Funny thing is, I can't even remember the guy's voice anymore.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not exactly.
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes when the house gets quiet, I hear those four words.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: Are you done, Jack?
• 51:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I wonder how many times he'd ask someone else that same question.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_00: How many other people had lost their lives, their families, their fucking minds?
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_00: How many others are lying awake at night waiting for another message that might never come?
• 51:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then I wonder something worse.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder how many of them eventually decided to do it to somebody else.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because I understand that feeling now.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_00: I understand it a little too well.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I fucking hate myself for it.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah, man.
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, a lot of places it could have been better, but I wrote it in one day.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_02: We both did like a virtual attack thing.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like uh you know?
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_00: We both kind of made yourself the protagonist too.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_00: Used a lot of shit from your life.
• 52:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'll let you get a good diggin on me though.
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to all just hammer you over the head.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's it was good.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have fun right now.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_00: A couple good laughs in there.
• 52:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, no, the the whole uh the part where you're playing against him is fucking nuts.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_02: Several like knocking my head back, laughing moments.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there was a lot more brutal stuff in there, but I had to get rid of some of it for reasons I can't say on the main show.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_00: So like I guess without rereading the entire thing, the the horror aspect of it wasn't quite as b bad uh brutal as it originally was.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah because I had to take a certain element out.
• 53:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_05: Okay.
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_00: But uh fun little psychological thing.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh some uh some life torment.
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 53:37
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway.
• 53:38
  SPEAKER_05: What the fuck?
• 53:40
  SPEAKER_05: What?
• 53:40
  SPEAKER_02: That's nuts.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_02: No, the whole the I mean there's obviously been like cyber stalker uh stories, but uh you hit it from a bit of a different angle, I guess.
• 53:52
  SPEAKER_02: Like uh I liked your circumstances, not just the ones that were about me, but the just the details of the story uh were better than many of the fucking no sleeps and whatnot that I've heard that are that kind of thing, like where someone is fucking with your life from afar and you don't know who it is.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted it to be like relatively believable and uh like at no point do you go like there's no fucking way.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like people can hack people, you know, people can find out where you live, especially if like you forget that there's some detail on some post from years ago that they find on social media and shit.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, I don't know.
• 54:40
  SPEAKER_00: I just tried to make it like not uh supernatural or anything.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_00: Last time I did like a Lovecraftian thing, it had a lot more flowery language and probably seemed a lot more well written, but this was like true to life as much as I could.
• 54:57
  SPEAKER_02: So was mine.
• 54:58
  SPEAKER_02: True.
• 54:59
  SPEAKER_02: That really happened with pagers, so surely it could happen with vapes.
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 55:03
  SPEAKER_02: So it's not impossible.
• 55:04
  SPEAKER_02: People talk shit on Madden all the time.
• 55:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's true.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah I uh I did not realize that the the the line in Madden when you're in the end zone like you catch a kickoff, you know, in the end zone.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know what button kneel was, and I was on an online game, and usually you don't catch it in the end zone, usually it's in the landing zone out on the field, and you just fucking run it back.
• 55:38
  SPEAKER_02: But I was like, I want to do touchback, there's no way I'm gonna fucking get there.
• 55:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and uh I I was like, wait, square should work, dive, right, because I'll just go down and I you know I didn't, you know, but you always have your left like thumb up a little bit, you know.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_02: And so I was I I pushed it enough forward that I dove forward and out.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_00: You got bopped on the one yard line.
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_02: Well, no, wait, actually, I didn't go out.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't go out.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_02: I I hit like right at the edge, and somehow it called it a safety.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_02: Oh shit.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_02: Somehow, I don't know.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_02: I guess it like somehow I went out and came back in in some way that it like I was right on the edge.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know, it glitched or something.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_02: But the dude was like, Hey bro, are you mentally retarded?
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_02: That's what he said to me.
• 56:35
  SPEAKER_02: He's like one of those that talked a little.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_02: And he had he had said maybe four phrases up to this point.
• 56:42
  SPEAKER_02: And because it was competitive in the first quarter, then he started whooping my ass, and I was making mistakes, and I was like, I'm never gonna make it back to the touchback, so I'm gonna I'm just gonna go down.
• 56:52
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what button kneel is.
• 56:53
  SPEAKER_02: It's not square.
• 56:55
  SPEAKER_02: I know that.
• 56:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 56:57
  SPEAKER_02: But I'm not even playing Madden.
• 56:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny that like you just didn't know the one niche button, like it's a niche circumstance, right?
• 57:04
  SPEAKER_00: And unless you played enough games or like looked it up, you don't know what the kneel button is.
• 57:08
  SPEAKER_00: You make that one mistake, and he's like, Are you fucking retarded?
• 57:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was like moving forward and then I I dove and it just yeah.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_02: That sucks.
• 57:18
  SPEAKER_02: I guess my hitbox went out of you know what I mean?
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like in some way that it yeah, and it yeah, I was like, Are you fucking kidding me?
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_02: I had it muted, you know.
• 57:29
  SPEAKER_02: Are you fucking kidding me, man?
• 57:31
  SPEAKER_02: Come on.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_02: That's uh don't be such an asshole.
• 57:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like, come on.
• 57:35
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't ruin his life.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_02: Good thing I'm not like uh I owe you one, you know?
• 57:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 57:40
  SPEAKER_02: Good thing I'm not wired like that, because I would have fucking found that guy's shit and fucked his shit up.
• 57:45
  SPEAKER_00: I really liked his new his new gaming tag that he messaged you from fourth downs.
• 57:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_02: I caught that too.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_02: We have to put those into stories.
• 57:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's a compulsion.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_02: I just have to.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't help myself with a lot of stuff.
• 58:01
  SPEAKER_02: If I think of a dark pun, it's like it's going in there.
• 58:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 58:05
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, spectacular, eh, boys?
• 58:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 58:09
  SPEAKER_02: Halloween episode done.
• 58:11
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 58:11
  SPEAKER_02: Let's fucking do it.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_00: Check it out.
• 58:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wait for the Spotify comments on this episode where like your story was gay and you're fat and gay.
• 58:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, tell us what uh Halloween costume you wore this year.
• 58:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, why not?
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why not?
• 58:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh people are gonna be wearing Halloween costumes to work on Friday, and they keep telling me, you guys you should wear your costume, you guys in your department should wear a costume.
• 58:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, No.
• 58:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna do that.
• 58:39
  SPEAKER_00: I've never done that and I never will.
• 58:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 58:41
  SPEAKER_02: I don't wanna.
• 58:43
  SPEAKER_02: So we got a we got a fucking another story to read here.
• 58:46
  SPEAKER_02: Oh shit.
• 58:47
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I need to cue up the fucking music.
• 58:51
  SPEAKER_02: Uh no, thank you for the for the comments.
• 58:54
  SPEAKER_02: Robbie Kitchen said, uh, let's talk more metal.
• 58:57
  SPEAKER_02: Currently, listening through Era's discography.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_02: What are you guys' intros into like the harder core stuff?
• 59:06
  SPEAKER_02: The one that both terrified and intrigued you into what I consider to be a therapeutic form of Stockholm syndrome, if that makes sense, LOL.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_02: It doesn't.
• 59:16
  SPEAKER_02: My introduction was Winds of Plague.
• 59:19
  SPEAKER_02: My cousin gave me a hand-me-down Windows Vista desktop, and Decimate the Week was the only album on the hard drive.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_02: I think I was 12, LMAO.
• 59:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dude, Winds of Plague rules.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_00: Is that the whole comment?
• 59:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 59:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 59:32
  SPEAKER_00: They uh I listened to them a long time ago too.
• 59:36
  SPEAKER_00: Also, they're a Christian metal band.
• 59:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not I'm not familiar.
• 59:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but they have a song, I think they have the song maybe it's War of Ages.
• 59:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's a song called The Impaler.
• 59:47
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like it's on Decimate the Week album.
• 59:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because I remember the Decimate the Week song.
• 59:52
  SPEAKER_00: They had a title track on that one.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and they've got some pretty fucking sick shit.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_00: They also like they they have a chick in the band, I feel like, and she does some stuff, but then I think she also plays keyboard, and there's like some really cool organ shit happening.
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_00: If it if I'm right, I'm not gonna Google it.
• 1:00:10
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm right, then yeah, Winds of Plague fucks.
• 1:00:12
  SPEAKER_00: I remember listening to them though for sure, even if I'm not right on the song.
• 1:00:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:00:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh my first metal band, I mean I I got into first System of a Down was the first hardcore-ish thing I listened to.
• 1:00:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then that transitioned into like more Screamo stuff because of the people I was hanging out with, really.
• 1:00:31
  SPEAKER_00: I got into like Census Fail, Under Oath, shit like that.
• 1:00:35
  SPEAKER_02: Uh and then Census Fail was one of mine too.
• 1:00:38
  SPEAKER_00: There was this like creepy school shootery looking dude in my school that always wore cannibal corpse shirts.
• 1:00:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:00:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I was associated like that type of metal with like creepy fucking weirdos, and all they talk about is like raping children and stuff in their songs.
• 1:00:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:00:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, I'm not gonna listen to that shit.
• 1:00:55
  SPEAKER_00: But then somebody showed me Trivium, and that was the first like metal band I listened to.
• 1:01:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was like straight up metal, even though they're still singing in it, like they had like the metal riffs and the metal screaming and stuff, and I was fucking hooked, dude.
• 1:01:08
  SPEAKER_00: Pull harder the strings of your martyr, absolute banger, still to this day, sick fucking riffs, uh, sick writing.
• 1:01:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's it's a badass fucking song.
• 1:01:18
  SPEAKER_00: That whole album rips, dude.
• 1:01:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, that was my first metal band.
• 1:01:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I never I never got into trivium.
• 1:01:26
  SPEAKER_02: A kid on the bus really liked them, but I I didn't never got into them.
• 1:01:30
  SPEAKER_02: My first metal band that I was personally into based off of just hearing the song from somewhere or seeing the music video or whatever, uh, was It Dies Today.
• 1:01:41
  SPEAKER_02: That's the first, like they're metal core, but it's the first like actual, like there's a bunch of screaming, it's metal.
• 1:01:47
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 1:01:48
  SPEAKER_02: Uh that was one of the first.
• 1:01:49
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I think that was the first big one that then I got uh progressively weirder.
• 1:01:56
  SPEAKER_02: I tried to find the weirder shit, and uh Fear Before the March of Flames was probably the next one, even though it's like it's more high, it's definitely not like a low-end you know, experience.
• 1:02:08
  SPEAKER_02: There's a lot of like high uh high pitched shit in there happening.
• 1:02:13
  SPEAKER_02: Lots of panic chords and like uh screaming and shit.
• 1:02:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:02:17
  SPEAKER_02: And number 12 looks like you.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_02: Those those three were like my first big big ones.
• 1:02:23
  SPEAKER_02: And then uh Between the Buried and Me was kind of like That was my second metal band.
• 1:02:27
  SPEAKER_02: Between the Buried and Me was kind of like my last one almost.
• 1:02:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like I've you know, other than the Dow Boys, but like you know uh the last like juggernaut, you know, Dillinger of metal, I guess.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah.
• 1:02:41
  SPEAKER_02: That yeah, you're right.
• 1:02:42
  SPEAKER_02: Fuck.
• 1:02:43
  SPEAKER_02: Dillinger was later though.
• 1:02:45
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:02:45
  SPEAKER_02: Uh but yeah, uh maybe I'm thinking of like phase.
• 1:02:50
  SPEAKER_02: Like I went through like this giant metal phase from like one thing to one thing to one thing to one thing, and then Dillinger was like on its own later.
• 1:02:58
  SPEAKER_02: Every time I die was on its own later.
• 1:03:00
  SPEAKER_00: I discovered every time I die in my fucking late thirty mid thirties, dude.
• 1:03:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's one of my favorite bands of all time now.
• 1:03:06
  SPEAKER_02: They're so good.
• 1:03:07
  SPEAKER_02: It's good shit.
• 1:03:08
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I could have seen him at warp tour and left because I'm an idiot.
• 1:03:13
  SPEAKER_02: I was 16 years old, so I was a fucking idiot.
• 1:03:16
  SPEAKER_02: Uh okay.
• 1:03:17
  SPEAKER_02: Edrod 405 said, I need some Spurgy spooks in my system.
• 1:03:22
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you just got some.
• 1:03:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's a different flavor of Spurgy Spooks, but it's the spooks, dude.
• 1:03:28
  SPEAKER_02: And uh should I say the full name?
• 1:03:31
  SPEAKER_02: Do you think this is this has this has this person commented before?
• 1:03:35
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think they have.
• 1:03:36
  SPEAKER_00: I just say Jesse.
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and then Jesse says, now with the Fartmouth AI transcriber, deaf people can enjoy racist jokes too.
• 1:03:44
  SPEAKER_02: Also, did Tyler say he's way bigger than an ostrich?
• 1:03:51
  SPEAKER_00: Did you?
• 1:03:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I meant like that.
• 1:03:54
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they're like they have bird bones.
• 1:03:56
  SPEAKER_02: They don't weigh as much.
• 1:03:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they're like 60 pounds or something.
• 1:03:59
  SPEAKER_02: Wait, well, we gotta look.
• 1:04:00
  SPEAKER_02: We're at the end here.
• 1:04:01
  SPEAKER_02: We might as well look at them.
• 1:04:02
  SPEAKER_00: My guess is somewhere between 60 and 90 pounds is average ostrich weight.
• 1:04:10
  SPEAKER_02: And their necks are so small.
• 1:04:13
  SPEAKER_02: Whoa, dude.
• 1:04:14
  SPEAKER_02: Adult ostriches typically weigh between 200 and 350 pounds.
• 1:04:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not way big.
• 1:04:20
  SPEAKER_02: So says Gemini.
• 1:04:21
  SPEAKER_00: I am somewhere in that range, though.
• 1:04:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not way bigger than an ostrich.
• 1:04:26
  SPEAKER_00: I am an average ostrich.
• 1:04:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually like a I'm a mid-size today ostrich.
• 1:04:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:04:38
  SPEAKER_02: Oh shit.
• 1:04:39
  SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah, now I can't find it on the Wikipedia, but uh physiology, it should be in there, right?
• 1:04:44
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 1:04:46
  SPEAKER_02: Description?
• 1:04:47
  SPEAKER_02: Shirley to goodness, it's in description.
• 1:04:49
  SPEAKER_02: A hundred uh some specimens in South Africa can only weigh between uh 131 and 179, though.
• 1:04:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's still bigger than I thought.
• 1:04:58
  SPEAKER_00: I thought because of the bird bones, they weren't gonna be that heavy.
• 1:05:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think the rest of them is so fucking heavy to be able to bolster all the running.
• 1:05:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:05:08
  SPEAKER_00: I just I don't know.
• 1:05:08
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I tried to like scale up a chicken.
• 1:05:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because chicken eggs are like this, and then ostrich eggs are like this, and a chicken weighs like four pounds at the most.
• 1:05:19
  SPEAKER_00: I just thought they'd be like 90 pounds or something.
• 1:05:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:05:24
  SPEAKER_02: Uh 220 to 290 for males.
• 1:05:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm about 280 right now, so you're right at ostrich weight, dude.
• 1:05:31
  SPEAKER_02: I'm pretty much an ostrich.
• 1:05:33
  SPEAKER_02: If uh if an ostrich was my weight, it would be the smallest of even the small specimens of ostrich.
• 1:05:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you'd be a South African It'd be a malnourished ass ostrich, dude.
• 1:05:46
  SPEAKER_00: It'd be a fucking you'd be a South African twink ostrich.
• 1:05:50
  SPEAKER_02: It is kind of funny that the African ostriches are malnourished.
• 1:05:54
  SPEAKER_02: They weigh less.
• 1:05:55
  SPEAKER_02: They're used to eating less.
• 1:05:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:05:57
  SPEAKER_02: Much like the humans in uh As as I've been told throughout my fucking life on TV anyway.
• 1:06:04
  SPEAKER_02: It's an ostrich apartheid.
• 1:06:07
  SPEAKER_00: We need like Nelson Mandostrich to end the apartheid apartheid.
• 1:06:16
  SPEAKER_02: Uh flightless a bird tide.
• 1:06:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:06:19
  SPEAKER_00: Something.
• 1:06:21
  SPEAKER_00: What's that?
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_00: What's that fucking band from South Africa?
• 1:06:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's gotta be a pun in there.
• 1:06:26
  SPEAKER_00: The antword.
• 1:06:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:06:28
  SPEAKER_00: The ostrich.
• 1:06:29
  SPEAKER_00: The ostword.
• 1:06:30
  SPEAKER_00: What's the emu?
• 1:06:31
  SPEAKER_00: Emu could you could try to cram emu into a pun.
• 1:06:35
  SPEAKER_00: They're about the same.
• 1:06:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:06:36
  SPEAKER_00: They also have ostuaries in uh Australia, New Zealand.
• 1:06:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:06:41
  SPEAKER_02: Is that where ostriches are?
• 1:06:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh ostuaries.
• 1:06:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:06:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's a bird.
• 1:06:47
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's another bird.
• 1:06:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:06:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's three familiar, I guess.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's three birds that are like ostriches.
• 1:06:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I see.
• 1:06:55
  SPEAKER_00: Ostrich, emu.
• 1:06:56
  SPEAKER_00: They have emus in Africa or in uh Australia.
• 1:06:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:06:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because they had a war and they lost.
• 1:07:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 1:07:02
  SPEAKER_00: Against emus.
• 1:07:05
  SPEAKER_02: God, that I wish we could get video of that.
• 1:07:09
  SPEAKER_00: That would be great.
• 1:07:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was like before video.
• 1:07:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
• 1:07:14
  SPEAKER_02: I think so.
• 1:07:14
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like I've heard of that, and I feel like it was before.
• 1:07:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if you if there was like a bunch of dudes with muskets against a bunch of fucking like terror birds.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, dude.
• 1:07:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're kind of boned.
• 1:07:26
  SPEAKER_02: Their beaks are pretty sharp, right?
• 1:07:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't know.
• 1:07:29
  SPEAKER_00: Emous?
• 1:07:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think they're sharp.
• 1:07:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like their necks are strong as shit and they and it's hard.
• 1:07:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:07:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like a blunt force kind of deal.
• 1:07:36
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta know if Emu's beaks are sharp, dude.
• 1:07:38
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I f I don't think ostriches are.
• 1:07:40
  SPEAKER_00: I fed an ostrich at one of those drive-thru safari things.
• 1:07:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 1:07:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it was more rounded at the end.
• 1:07:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 1:07:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like they eat seeds and shit like that.
• 1:07:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:07:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're not pecking stuff open.
• 1:07:52
  SPEAKER_02: How do ostriches attack?
• 1:07:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's gotta be I'm asking the Google.
• 1:07:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's gotta be pecking, dude.
• 1:07:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're peckers.
• 1:07:59
  SPEAKER_02: They deliver forward and downward slashing kicks with their heavy legs or by charging and ramming targets with their bodies.
• 1:08:07
  SPEAKER_00: Damn.
• 1:08:07
  SPEAKER_00: They do have some thick ass bodies, though.
• 1:08:10
  SPEAKER_02: They are thick, bro.
• 1:08:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're like bumper cars.
• 1:08:13
  SPEAKER_02: They're so fucking thick, bro.
• 1:08:16
  SPEAKER_02: Hold up.
• 1:08:16
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna I'm I'm when ostriches attack.
• 1:08:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's gonna attack this guy.
• 1:08:22
  SPEAKER_00: Get his ass.
• 1:08:23
  SPEAKER_00: They are fucking.
• 1:08:24
  SPEAKER_02: They're pretty fucking big, dog.
• 1:08:25
  SPEAKER_02: Now that I'm seeing it next to a guy.
• 1:08:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:08:28
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, is he wrestling it?
• 1:08:31
  SPEAKER_02: He is wrestling it.
• 1:08:32
  SPEAKER_00: I still feel like I'd fuck an ostrich up.
• 1:08:35
  SPEAKER_00: Their necks are so grabbable, dude.
• 1:08:37
  SPEAKER_03: They are, dude.
• 1:08:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's like why they tell you don't wear a tie in a factory.
• 1:08:41
  SPEAKER_03: Get the boomerang.
• 1:08:45
  SPEAKER_03: That is why they tell you that.
• 1:08:46
  SPEAKER_03: It'll yank your shit, dude.
• 1:08:48
  SPEAKER_03: That's why you can't have long hair, too.
• 1:08:49
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 1:08:52
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:08:52
  SPEAKER_02: So I I I'm assuming they have a bag over its head.
• 1:08:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm assuming there's like a uh some medical need for this ostrich to be wrangled.
• 1:09:01
  SPEAKER_00: They need to extract his seed so they can breed him.
• 1:09:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 1:09:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:09:06
  SPEAKER_02: Some uh some populational need.
• 1:09:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:09:10
  SPEAKER_02: Copulational need.
• 1:09:11
  SPEAKER_02: Hell yeah.
• 1:09:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, dude.
• 1:09:15
  SPEAKER_02: Fucking uh your story was so creepy.
• 1:09:17
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 1:09:18
  SPEAKER_02: It made me think of like, man, anyone could fucking just do this to me right now.
• 1:09:22
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you didn't like it.
• 1:09:24
  SPEAKER_00: You were quiet after it was done.
• 1:09:25
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that was just like uh, yeah, I don't want to tell them that the story sucked.
• 1:09:28
  SPEAKER_02: No, it was good.
• 1:09:29
  SPEAKER_02: It was just like intense.
• 1:09:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:09:32
  SPEAKER_02: Toward the end.
• 1:09:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's the thing.
• 1:09:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like it was depressing.
• 1:09:35
  SPEAKER_02: It started funny and then ended uh bleak, and it was like, oh shit, man.
• 1:09:41
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I mean, you meant to do it though.
• 1:09:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:09:43
  SPEAKER_02: But it it did its job.
• 1:09:45
  SPEAKER_02: Right or wrong.
• 1:09:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's the way I meant to do.
• 1:09:47
  SPEAKER_02: It did its job, dude.
• 1:09:49
  SPEAKER_00: It was fun.
• 1:09:50
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was it would be fun to stick some Jake stuff in there.
• 1:09:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, dude.
• 1:09:55
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and that's like somewhat realistic, too, man.
• 1:09:58
  SPEAKER_02: People get pissed off on Madden.
• 1:10:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:10:01
  SPEAKER_02: Madden, especially, I feel like, because you part of your prowess as a football fan or as a player of Madden, all of it kind of wrapped up into one, is that you win.
• 1:10:12
  SPEAKER_02: You want to win.
• 1:10:13
  SPEAKER_02: It's like the whole fucking thing.
• 1:10:16
  SPEAKER_02: So when you get beat so savagely, like that does get to you.
• 1:10:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I can't do anything.
• 1:10:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's like a similar feeling to like if another man grabs you and you and this has happened to me a bunch, and a dude grabs you, and you like you know, just like whenever in high school or whenever like you feel a dude's grip and his sh he's fucking strong, dude.
• 1:10:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like, and you realize that dude could just like make me do whatever he wanted me to do.
• 1:10:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's like that, but from afar through the bank account and through all this other shit.
• 1:10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you get that feeling in jujitsu when you go up against somebody who's way better than you.
• 1:11:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's like this dude could just fucking rape me right now.
• 1:11:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but in in your story, the narrator does that to him in football, and then he does that to them.
• 1:11:11
  SPEAKER_02: He gives them that feeling with all the the stalking and the fucking with them.
• 1:11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Drove him crazy, made him lose all his shit.
• 1:11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dude.
• 1:11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Crazy stuff.
• 1:11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I could have gone harder in the paint with the uh the fuckery, but there was some stuff I had to scale back and I didn't have time to like think of new shit.
• 1:11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:11:33
  SPEAKER_00: I realized it, you know, at the end I was like, yeah.
• 1:11:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's I had to skip a few lines that I was like, that's not gonna make sense because I cut that part out.
• 1:11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like there were I had a section in there where you he, the protagonist, decided to try to play another game of Madden.
• 1:11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh and I was wondering if that would happen.
• 1:11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Some kid beat the put the fucking herd on you and started talking shit, and you like got an impulse to do the same shit.
• 1:12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I see.
• 1:12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll fucking ruin this guy's life.
• 1:12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I baked some of that into the ending and I cut out most of the lines, but I had to skip over a couple that I had missed.
• 1:12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I was literally like at my house after work, like doing my last passive editing, and I saw you message like you were already there.
• 1:12:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, fuck, I gotta go.
• 1:12:24
  SPEAKER_00: But nice.
• 1:12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the overall project still worked, yeah, yeah.
• 1:12:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, one more pass.
• 1:12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a decent story.
• 1:12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Better than some of the shit we read on Sparky Spooks, thus far, damn sure.
• 1:12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Big time, dude, big time, dude.
• 1:12:36
  SPEAKER_02: All right, so make fun of it in the comments.
• 1:12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, let us hear it.
• 1:12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us we're gay.
• 1:12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us what you were for Halloween.
• 1:12:42
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard better stories on the back of a cereal box.
• 1:12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us that.
• 1:12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I I wrote better stories on my condom wrappers.
• 1:12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Let us know.
• 1:12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Fire and ice condom rappers.
• 1:12:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to hear more content, patreon.com slash fartmouth.
• 1:13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Throw us a couple bucks, get some more shit to listen to, to kill some time while you're playing Madden and beating kids at Madden.
• 1:13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Or whatever it is you do for fun.
• 1:13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:13:12
  SPEAKER_00: To pass the time.
• 1:13:13
  SPEAKER_02: We're playing NFL Street again, still.
• 1:13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Add me on RuneScape play a game with me.
• 1:13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Or get or or get NFL Street reloaded.
• 1:13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever.
• 1:13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Reborn Reborn.
• 1:13:27
  SPEAKER_00: And play online with us 'cause we're gonna we're I'm about to leave and we're gonna go do that.
• 1:13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 1:13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then upload it to the Patreon. 'Cause it's fucking fun.
• 1:13:37
  SPEAKER_00: So bye.