Latest / The Original Self Podcast / Why You Feel Empty After Getting What You Wanted | Conditions of Worth Explained

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Why You Feel Empty After Getting What You Wanted | Conditions of Worth Explained · The Original Self Podcast

• 0:00
  The last section of her hair is dry. I turn the
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  chair to face the mirror. I say to her, how do
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  you like it? She smiles and says, yeah, good.
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  She's been my client for years. I've done countless
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  colors and haircuts on her, different ones so
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  many times, but the answer's always the same.
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  Yeah, good. So I finally say, if you don't love
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  it, I can fix it. Let me know what you don't
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  like, or better yet, tell me exactly what you
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  want to see." She looks down and says quietly,
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  it's not the hair, it's me. I just feel kind
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  of empty, even when I get exactly what I want
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  or do the thing that I've been excited for, for
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  months. I walked to her side, pulled up a stool
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  and listened. Hi, it's Evet, and today we're
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  talking about wanting. Not how to want more or
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  how to get what you want, but what happens when
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  getting it doesn't feel the way you expected
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  it to feel? Sometimes the excitement wears off
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  after a few hours or a few days. Sometimes the
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  satisfaction you expected never really arrives.
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  And when that keeps happening, you might start
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  to wonder whether you even know what you want
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  anymore. If that sounds like you, stick around
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  and listen to the rest of this. We'll explore
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  why that happens, how we learn what's worth wanting,
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  and what disappointment may be telling you about
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  the promises you attached to the thing you wanted.
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  Before we finish, I'll give you a question to
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  consider before your next big change. And if
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  you'd like to explore any of this with me one
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  -on -one, my free discovery call is exactly that,
• 2:08
  a conversation. No pressure, no commitment. You
• 2:12
  can find the link in this episode's notes. So
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  when my client said, it's not the hair, it's
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  me, she was describing a pattern, looking forward
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  to something, getting it, and yet still feeling
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  empty. Her words raise a question. When we want
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  something, what are we hoping it will change
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  for us? Sometimes it's practical. You want a
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  shorter haircut to spend less time drying it,
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  or a different job to shorten your commute. Practical.
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  But other times, we attach a promise to the outcome.
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  The new job will make us feel confident. Losing
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  weight will make us comfortable being seen. Or
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  finishing your degree, it'll prove you're intelligent.
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  And those goals matter for many reasons, but
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  we may also be counting on them to change how
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  we feel about ourselves. I recognize this in
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  my own transition to coaching. Even after earning
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  my credential, I focused on being new to professional
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  coaching and discounted nearly 40 years of listening
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  to people, building relationships, and noticing
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  patterns. Those years didn't replace coach training,
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  but they still certainly count. The podcast became
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  a way for people to hear how I think and then
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  decide if they wanted to work with me. I've worked
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  very hard at it, but the slow growth leaves me
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  disappointed. I definitely hope to be further
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  along by now, but unlike my client, I'm still
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  pursuing those business goals. But I do notice
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  how quickly this is taking longer than I expected
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  becomes Do I have anything to offer? I earned
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  the credential I wanted, then needed another
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  form of evidence to feel credible, people choosing
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  to work with me. Obviously, building the clientele
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  matters. The question is why those results also
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  become a measure of my worth. An accomplishment
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  can give us opportunity, income, enjoyment. We
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  may also want to settle a question about ourselves.
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  Am I capable? Do I matter? Am I enough? If every
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  answer depends on reaching the next goal, how
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  did we learn how to meet that condition in the
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  first place? Psychologist Carl Rogers called
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  the conditions we believe we must meet to be
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  acceptable conditions of worth. I introduced
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  that concept in episode nine, why you feel disconnected
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  from your life. But here, I want to look at how
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  those conditions shape what we pursue and then
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  how we feel once we get there. Rogers said that
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  we experience conditional acceptance. We can
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  learn to judge ourselves by the same terms. Basically,
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  someone else's approval can become our own standard.
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  Think about a child who feels especially valued
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  when she succeeds. She may genuinely enjoy learning
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  and discovering what she can do. Solid. But if
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  she believes being impressive makes her worth
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  paying attention to, she also learns that achievement
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  is how she earns acceptance. Or imagine a girl
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  prays for being easy -going. Adults are pleased
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  when she doesn't complain, doesn't need much,
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  or just goes along with everyone else. She might
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  start to feel shame for needs that inconvenience
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  others. We can carry those lessons into adulthood,
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  obviously, until nobody has to enforce them.
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  We do it ourselves. If we've learned to be easygoing,
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  wanting a weekend alone may leave us feeling
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  selfish. If we've learned to be impressive, we
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  could possibly abandon something new because
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  we're not good at it right away. The fear of
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  looking ordinary can become a stop sign before
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  we've given our curiosity chance. That shapes
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  our goals. We may pursue what earns approval
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  and then dismiss something we enjoy because it
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  seems frivolous or unproductive. Learning values
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  from others is definitely a part of life. The
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  question is how closely we tie those values to
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  our own worth. You can value generosity and still
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  say no. But if declining a request makes you
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  feel like you're a bad person, You may be following
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  a rule. I'm acceptable only when I give people
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  what they need. Helping can feel satisfying,
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  but if your worth depends on being helpful, each
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  new request becomes another test of that. And
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  then we can also spend years doing something
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  well and earning approval without asking, how
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  much does this matter to me? So consider this.
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  What do you keep doing to stay on good terms
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  with yourself? And when you can't, what do you
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  begin to believe about yourself? Your answer
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  might possibly reveal a condition you placed
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  on your worth, one that an accomplishment can
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  satisfy for a moment without freeing you from
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  it. Sometimes we reach a goal and still feel
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  far from the person we imagined becoming. Self
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  -discrepancy theory helps explain that gap. There's
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  the actual self. It's who you believe you are
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  now. It's your perception, which may overlook
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  strengths or exaggerate shortcomings. There's
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  the ideal self. That's who you hope to become.
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  It's your wishes and aspirations. And then there's
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  the ought self. It's who you believe you should
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  be based on duties and obligations. For me, that
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  can sound like With my training and decades of
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  experience, I ought to be a confident coach who
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  knows how to build a clientele. Different gaps
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  between these self views can leave you vulnerable
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  to different feelings. Feeling like falling short
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  of an ideal, it can bring disappointment or sadness.
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  Or falling short of an obligation could bring
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  guilt or anxiety. Consider a woman who wants
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  more independence after years of organizing her
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  life around her family. She imagines traveling
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  alone or choosing how to spend her time and discovering
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  interests that she's put aside. She wants that
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  independence but believes she should always be
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  available for her family. Freedom then comes
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  with a charge. It's called guilt. Self -discrepancy
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  theory also distinguishes our own standpoint
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  from what we believe significant people in our
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  lives expect of us. We can measure ourselves
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  against our hopes, our obligations, or understanding
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  of someone else's expectations. So whose standard
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  am I falling short of? We may be praised for
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  a life we ourselves find deeply unsatisfied.
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  Approval and personal fulfillment can point in
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  totally different directions. These gaps aren't
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  automatically a problem because aspirations give
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  us a direction and responsibilities absolutely
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  matter. But a standard deserves examination when
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  it leaves no room for learning, or it limits,
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  or it has competing needs. If you say, I want
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  to become more confident, that gives you something
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  to practice. But if you say, by now, I should
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  never doubt myself, that makes every uncertain
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  moment feel like failure. So when accomplishments
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  don't feel the way you expected, consider the
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  person you imagine you would become afterward,
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  after you've completed or reached the accomplishment.
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  Did you expect to be fearless? Always content?
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  Beyond needing reassurance? You may have made
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  real progress while still expecting yourself
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  to become someone who never struggles. But what
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  if you wanted to change for your own reasons,
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  enjoyed it, and then the enjoyment faded? It's
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  kind of like what my client was talking about.
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  That can happen without a hidden condition attached
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  to your worth. Sometimes we expect too much from
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  a good thing. Sometimes we simply get used to
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  it. Effective Forecasting. or how we predict
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  our future feelings, shows that we often overestimate
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  how strongly an event will affect us and how
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  long that feeling will last. When we imagine
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  getting what we want, it takes center stage.
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  We picture the bigger home, the extra space,
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  the relief of finally moving. What we don't really
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  consider is that eventual Tuesday we'll spend
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  there, tired from work and wondering what to
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  make for dinner. Just ordinary, right? The home's
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  great. But we figure out we gave it way more
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  influence over our daily feelings than it could
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  possibly sustain. Then there's hedonic adaptation.
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  Something that once felt exciting becomes familiar.
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  Like, you redecorate a room in your house, and
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  for a while you notice it every time you walk
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  in the room. But eventually you sit down, open
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  the mail without looking at it again. The room
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  no longer gives you the lift that it did when
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  you first redecorated it. Our expectations can
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  change too. What once felt like a luxury may
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  become the baseline. Now we notice what else
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  could be better. We want more. That's where we
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  can misread the fade -out. We think, I must need
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  something different. When the change may still
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  be doing exactly what we had wanted. The room
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  is comfortable. Or the previous iPhone model
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  works perfectly. Or those Jordan sneakers that
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  you paid $500 for last year? They're still in
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  mint condition. The excitement has faded, but
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  the benefit remains. So before replacing the
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  thing, ask yourself, what's actually stopped
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  working? Do you dislike it now? Has it actually
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  stopped meeting a need? Or were you expecting
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  it to keep feeling new? Those answers point towards
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  different choices. If your phone no longer does
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  what you need, replacing it makes sense. If you
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  miss the excitement of a new one, that next upgrade
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  brings another expiration date on the same feeling.
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  Noticing what still works or enjoying it in a
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  new way can renew appreciation without forcing
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  gratitude. Something can become ordinary and
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  still make your life better. Before your next
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  change, try asking yourself, what am I expecting
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  from this? Choose something you actually want.
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  You know, a purchase, a move, a new direction.
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  Give yourself a moment to answer that question
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  beyond the obvious. If you want a bigger home,
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  you might say, I'm expecting more space. Then
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  ask yourself, what would that space give you?
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  Would it give you privacy, somewhere quiet, or
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  a place to gather with all the people you love?
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  Each answer tells you something different about
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  what matters to you. It also helps you judge
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  if the change you're considering can realistically
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  provide it. Sometimes the answer is less tangible.
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  I want to feel successful. Stay with that for
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  a moment. What would feeling successful allow
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  you to do? Could you rest without guilt? Could
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  you stop comparing yourself to friends? Could
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  you feel comfortable telling people what you
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  do? You may discover that you've made something
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  you need now dependent on an achievement that
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  could take years. You can keep the goal and still
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  question what you're asking it to deliver. For
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  me, building a coaching clientele is something
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  I want. I need to learn. experiment and assess
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  what's working. But if I treat every slow month
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  or lack of downloads as proof that I have nothing
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  to offer, I make that work much harder on myself.
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  Now I'm trying to build a business while defending
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  my right to believe in it. A more useful question
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  is, what needs adjusting in my approach? See
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  how that gives me something to work on? Now try
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  that with your own goal. What could you adjust?
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  What are you expecting the results to prove about
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  you? Then you choose one small action based on
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  your answer. If you want quiet time, could you
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  protect an hour of me time before committing
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  to moving or buying a bigger home? If you want
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  connection, could you invite someone over before
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  deciding your space isn't good enough? That small
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  experiment, that action can tell us more about
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  a need than another month of imagining the perfect
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  solution. You may still want the change. Fine.
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  But now you have a clearer idea of what you're
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  choosing it for and what you can give yourself
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  before it happens. The point is, you can want
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  more without making your worth dependent on getting
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  it. You can be new at something, feel disappointed,
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  or change direction without deciding you've failed.
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  Working hard for something doesn't mean you have
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  to keep choosing it. You can learn from the results
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  and adjust your approach without treating every
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  setback as proof that you're not good enough.
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  You can want growth and still give yourself credit
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  for the work you're doing even before you know
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  where it will lead. If you'd like support exploring
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  what you want and what's getting in the way,
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  you can book that free discovery call with me.
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  The links in the episode notes. I'm Evet DeCota.
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  Thank you for listening to The Original Self
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  Podcast, and I hope you have a wonderful day.