Latest / Hurdle with Emily Abbate / 90. Latoya Shauntay Snell, Runner & Body Positivity Advocate

Transcript

90. Latoya Shauntay Snell, Runner & Body Positivity Advocate · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: It does not have to be this fictitious idea that
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: every day is going to be happy. There is nothing
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: wrong with saying today sucks and maybe the next day sucks.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: But at some point I can't change that.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: New season of Hurdle, new vibes, what's going on. My
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: name is Emily Abadi and if you are just coming
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: into my little corner of the internet, thank you. I'm
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: a freelance health and fitness journalist, a public speaker, and
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: host and creator of Hurdle. Now to those of you
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: who have been along with the ride these past two
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: years of podcast saying, I appreciate you and as you know,
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: things grow and develop over time, Hurdle included. So with
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: season two, I want to reinvigorate what.
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: It is that I'm doing with the show.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: So Hurdle is a wellness focused podcast where I sit
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: down with inspiring individuals to talk about everything from their
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: big wins to how they've gotten through life's toughest moments.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: On the show, you can expect vulnerability, motivation, and handid
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: discussions with everyone from top athletes to aspiring entrepreneurs on
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: what it takes to follow your passions.
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: My mission is simple to inspire you to be.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: Your best self, move with intention, and have someplun along worddying.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Before I get into today's episode with LaToya Chante Snell,
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: a quick shout out to my sponsor, Athletic Greens. Ag
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  Speaker 3: Equivalent of twelve servings of fruits and vegetables.
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  Speaker 2: For me, shaking this thing up first thing in the
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: morning is my opportunity to get back on track, no
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  Speaker 2: matter what else is going on in the craziness of life.
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  Speaker 2: With prebiotics, probiotics, adaptagens, super foods, been able to stop
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  Speaker 2: dot com slash hurdle again, that's Athletic Greens dot com
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  Speaker 2: slash hurdle to get.
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: Yours today, No code necessary.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: Now on today's episode, I am talking to LaToya Chante Snell.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: She's a chef, a body positivity advocate, a runner and
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: a journalist.
• 2:33
  Speaker 4: She also calls herself.
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: A recovering self defatist.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: For episode ninety, she's telling me about how she left
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: behind her days as an alcoholic in favor of running,
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: and what it was like when she became a viral
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: sensation after speaking out against Heckler's at the twenty seventeen
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: New York City Marathon.
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: She also gets super honest.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: About running through the emotional pain of multiple miscarriages, and
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: how she handles the unwelcome criticism that sometimes comes with.
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: Being such a public person.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: I'm telling you, if you want to kick in the
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: butt to get up, get out and do something for yourself,
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: well Natoya's got that for you again new season. I'm
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: super excited for all of the goodness that I'm about
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: to bring to you over the next year, and I
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: want to hear from you, So feel free to connect
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: the podcast on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, at Hurdle Podcast. You
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: can find me at Emily a Body and as always,
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: hit me up over email Emily at Hurdle dot u
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: s if you have.
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: A Hurdle moment of your own to share or you
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: just want to say hi.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: Now, one last thing we are talking about some sensitive
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: topics in GNAT episodes. So if you or someone you
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: know is struggling with substance abuse or mental health issues,
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: definitely reach out to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: Services Administration National Health Line.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: You can do that at one eight hundred and six six' two.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: Help and with, that let's get to. Hurdle.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Today i'm sitting down With LaToya Chante. Snell, hello how are?
• 4:10
  Speaker 4: You i'm doing?
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: Good how do you describe? Yourself you're a, Runner you're a.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Chef oh my, Gosh i'm like a, whole like onion
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: that's like the super layered could be completely, complex but
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: LIKE i just take it easy AND i just let
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: the layers just. Flow But i'm a food and fitness
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  Speaker 1: blogger Of Running Fat, Chef running fat chef dot. Com
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  Speaker 1: it's been living Since august, seventeen twenty. Sixteen but before,
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: that my background kind of ranges in social work the food.
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  Speaker 4: Industry.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: CLEARLY i Was i'm a former sous chef And i'm
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: a freelance chef and NOW i find myself in the
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: fitness world And i'm just, like how DID i get?
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  Speaker 4: Here?
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  Speaker 3: SO i love?
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: IT i love? It, Okay, well have you always been
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: interested in.
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  Speaker 1: Helping, no you, know like as far as health and,
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  Speaker 1: FITNESS i think that like a lot of, people we
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: have these stereotypes that we hold when we think of
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: a certain. Word and the closest of an interest THAT
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: i had in fitness was. Boxing but that really resonated
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: with me BECAUSE i love the way that boxers, move
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: although they kind of look a little, rigid the idea
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: that they're able to move in a certain, direction like
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: if you ever watch a boxer their legs and their feet,
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: cross they're really, quick they have a lot of bursts in.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Them but the power and their, shots the way did
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: they move their, arms the way that they're reading a.
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  Speaker 1: Person that was the closest to sports THAT i, ever
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  Speaker 1: like you, know ever. Had running was definitely at the
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: bottom of the list ANYTIME i thought of, runner aside
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: from the physical, attributes WHEN i think of it, MENTALLY
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: i always thought of it as that's the pe punishment
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: for every other. Sport SO i was just, like why
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: WOULD i ever want to be a? Runner and somehow
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: that changed six years.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: Ago six years, Ago so let's dial it back a
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: little bit further than.
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  Speaker 4: That, yeah where are you?
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: From i'm From, Brooklyn New, york different parts Of, Brooklyn New,
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: York East New, York bedsty And Crown heights is most
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: of my. UPBRINGING a short PORTION i actually stayed In, Bushwick,
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: brooklyn WHICH i think right now is kind of Called East.
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: WILLIAMSBURG i don't.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Know Like New york has been going through like a
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: lot of changes for like the last ten, years but,
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah i'm born and.
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  Speaker 4: Raised i'm an eighty five, kid and it is amazing
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: to see how it is changed and how fitness actually
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: incorporates into those changes With New.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: York city and just saying what do you mean by?
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: That WHEN i grew up in like growing up like
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: in the eighties and, nineties it just wasn't safe in
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: cer our neighborhoods actually run around like. That AND i
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: think that's part of the reason WHY i just didn't
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: really have an interest, before like you, know like the
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: idea of running just to do it as a. Sport
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: most people looked at it in my, neighborhoods and THAT
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: i grew up in was the only time someone is
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: running is they're running away from, danger or maybe you
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: might be running for a, scholarship but that means that
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: you're in a track setting to actually hear about something
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  Speaker 1: like endurance.
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  Speaker 4: Running that was foreign to.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: ME i didn't know that people enjoyed running thirteen miles
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: twenty six. Miles And i'm just, like the MORE i
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: learned about it AS i got, Older i'm just, like
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: these people are running for stale bagels and, like you,
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: know people are crowded in the. Street to, me it's
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: like the. Equivalent to, me it's like WATCHING. Nascar AND
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: i apologize to all off THE nascar fans out, there
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: BUT i was just, Like, okay, Great i'm watching people running.
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  Speaker 1: CIRCLES i did not get the joy and the excitement
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: and the hype that people related to when it came to.
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  Speaker 1: Running and then there's other, layers like you, know like
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: associating running with the only people that win has to
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: look a certain, way it has to. Be THEN i
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: did not think that someone of my body type or
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: even of my like be An African, american would be
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: someone that would be celebrated in the public eye as an,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: athlete at least not in the running. SPECTRUM i, thought
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: when you think Of African, americans maybe you, know maybe,
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: football maybe. Basketball you can even be a, cheerleader you
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: can be any of those, things but running was not
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: one of those. Things like the most THAT i saw
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: was Like Jackie, Joum Jackie Joiner kersey and a couple
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: of other athletes like, that but you just did not
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: hear about them doing distance running.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: Totally so talk to me then a little bit about
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: when you first started to get into the sport of.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Rune oh my, Gosh, like this is a crazy. Story
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: SO i always tell this, story AND i Realized i'd
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: never tell it in this. Entirety so in twenty, eleven twenty,
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: twelve the week Before Hurricane, SANDY i was still thriving
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: in the culinary. Industry actually worked for restaurant associates and
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: at that time working For Cliffige Chance Law. FIRM i
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: was pretty much like a LIKE i want to, say
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: like a prepp and serve cook and then basically we
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: set up with. Stations so now this one DAY i
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: went to, Work i'm in the middle of like telling
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: this dirty joke and my crew it was part of
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: the dirty joke WHEN i bent over and never came back,
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: up AND i. PANICKED i, Remember i'll never forget, it
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: and like so they're like cackling and cracking up because
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: they know.
• 9:26
  Speaker 4: Me i'm JUST i don't hold.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: BACK i DON'T i don't censor myself and jokes and they're,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: like you, know like what's going, on like you, know,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: chef are you're? Okay And i'm, LIKE i was, LIKE
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: i got pain and they're, like where's the pain coming?
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: From And i'm, LIKE i can't tell. You and the Pain,
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: actually AFTER i got, diagnosed they told ME i have,
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: ssciatica this, degeneration a.
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: Hernie at a disk l five, s wanted to be
• 9:47
  Speaker 4: A zach.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: And all of those. THINGS i thought that Maybe i'd
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: be out of work for about two weeks at. Most
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: turned out to be the hardest year of my. LIFE
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: i have not seen the dining setting ever, since so
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: to kind of fast forward through that in twenty. Thirteen
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: i'm a stickler for dates in. Advance may twenty, seven twenty,
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: THIRTEEN i remember looking in the mirror AND i couldn't laugh.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: Anymore i'm one of those people WHO i love comedians
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: AND i used to like study and live by them
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: where they would tell the hardest of stories and they'll
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: have such humor and grace with. It AND i realized
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: THAT i couldn't laugh at myself. ANYMORE i used to
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: be that person that would make a joke about myself
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: before someone else would do, it because it would have
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: less of a hit or sting to it IF i
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: did it. First AND i looked in the mirror one
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: day AND i was just, like, GREAT i can't turn my.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Neck i'm well, over LIKE i THINK i stopped counting
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: after two hundred and sixty five, pounds AND i was just,
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: LIKE i need a lifestyle change because these doctors are
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: telling Me i'm not going to be able to go
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: back to my. INDUSTRY i had a doctor he's still
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: my doctor, actually and he looked at me and he's, like,
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: ma'am you're gonna die at this. Rate like you it's
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: not even about your, weight it's but the way that
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: you are living this. Lifestyle you're not getting proper, sleep
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: you're not eating. Well, yeah you, know your levels all
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: over the. Place like my health was just. Failing AND
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: i remember just Thinking i'm okay with. That there is
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: nothing okay with the idea of like wanting to, die
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: not even like, okay you, know Like i've been given this.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Terminal uh you, know diagnosis is the idea of wanting
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: to die in my mid twenties and coming to a
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: piece with it Because i'm plus. Sized in the world
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: don't really embrace plus size. PEOPLE i was willing to
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: leave behind my kid and my, husband AND i got
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: tired of, that just got tired of laughing through. It
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: So may twenty, eight IF i reached out to this
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: lady On. Instagram we're still. Friends she's an everyday, person
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: she's a, teacher jender, reamer AND i didn't know she
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: was doing beach body. Programs i'm, like, okay, No i'm not, interested.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Man but for some, reason this random stranger was the
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: person that was the catalyst of me changing my. Life
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: and she's, like why don't you just start thinks, smaller.
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: Faster go a little bit.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Further with, THAT i started losing like LIKE i was losing,
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: pounds like really really.
• 12:23
  Speaker 4: Quick About mom's down the.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Line In, october one of My MySpace BUDDIES i, know
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: dating it back and this is goes back to two
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: thousand and three for our, friendship and he writes, Online
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: i'm signing up for a half, marathon AND i was,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: like if he signs, Up i'm signing, Up and sure,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: enough he signs.
• 12:42
  Speaker 4: Up for this. Marathon the kicker is he never showed
• 12:46
  Speaker 4: up to race. Day, no never showed up to race,
• 12:53
  Speaker 4: day BUT i. Did and what happened to? Him like
• 12:55
  Speaker 4: he just.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: Didn't he just he's, like, NO i don't THINK i
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: want to do, It like he looked like and, Yeah
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: AND i was, like are you? Serious but if it
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: wasn't for him making that, decision then MAYBE i wouldn't
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: have made that decision for a while or even at.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: All so the thing IS i looked at it as
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: this is a one and. Done i'm gonna do this.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: ONCE i am not interested in. RUNNING i know nothing about.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: RUNNING i don't know the, form the, BREATHING i don't
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: understand the. Community i'm just gonna figure this. Out i'm
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: going to see it. Through and the thing that kept
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: me in it was this organization Called Black Girls. Run,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: Now i'm pretty sure.
• 13:30
  Speaker 4: A lot of people may have heard about, it or
• 13:32
  Speaker 4: maybe they, haven't you, know depending on where you guys
• 13:34
  Speaker 4: are actually listening.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: From Black Girls run basically is like throughout The United,
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: states and they're still. Growing and this group came up
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: to me about five thirty six o'clock in the Morning
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: bedstide chapter And i'm just, Like i'm old School, Brooklyn
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: So i'm just, Like, okay now these girls are coming
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: up to, Me they're probably gonna rob. Me the reality
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: of it is that through, THEM i learned not only
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: how to, breathe how to, run how to up my,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: SHRIDE i learned the true values of sisterhood through, them
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: because aside outside of my actual blood, SISTER i didn't
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: really have a good relationship with women in. General it
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: was just like this level of women are, great but
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: they know how to hurt you more than anyone else out.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: Here so there was times Where i'd female relationships And
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: i'd tell them secrets And i'd find my secrets everywhere
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: or a way that people would weaponize your own, words
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: AND i was just, like at that, POINT i was
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: just closed off to. HUGS i was closed off to
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: hanging out with. Women like most of my friends even
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: to this, day most of my friends are, men just
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: LIKE i have like this kind of like bro kind
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: of vibe to, mean the powerlifting doesn't help, Either but you,
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: know through, them that's the reason WHY i stayed in this.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Sport they managed to talk me into a race like
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: about two months before or my first half marathon and
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: that's when everything completely clicked in WHERE i was at
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: the last eight hundred meters and my friend And Gozie
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: odiita saw me and she's like screaming at.
• 15:14
  Speaker 4: Me she's, like go, go, go go.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: Go and not only did she scream at, me she
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: actually ran with me the last eight hundred meters AND
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: i am like, boohoo AND i got like snot tears coming.
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: OUT i looked.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: TERRIBLE i crossed the finish line and she's, like so
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: when you sign up for a, marathon And i'm, like excuse.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: ME i was like, no, no, no, no no, No i'm
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: doing this half. Marathon and that's WHERE i. Stopped but
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: the thing, is sometimes all you need is an enabler
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: to whisper something in your, ear and it's like a
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: bug and now you just can't get rid of, it
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: and you don't know if you want to get rid of.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: It and ever since, then, YEAH i signed up for a.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: MARATHON i signed up for two, marathons like actually that
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: first year was in twenty fifteen WHEN i took on
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: my first marathon marathon was that that was The rock
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: And ROLL Dc, marathon AND i think that's before it
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: became as big as it is, Now LIKE i took
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: it On.
• 16:08
  Speaker 4: God it was sometime.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: In march of twenty, fifteen and ORIGINALLY i was, Like
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: i'm going to make The New York City marathon my first.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: One the crazy part about signing up FOR dc is
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: THAT i literally trained at probably the worst period of my.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: LIFE i trained while being a functioning alcohol Like it
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: is very common in the industry that a lot of
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: people have their. Vices it's not something that everybody, does
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: but some people have their, vices and my vices was.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: ALCOHOL i was going through a lot of depression and
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: instead of going to therapy or counseling for, IT i
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: basically took it out on the. BOTTLE i would go
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: to work at like three, o'clock four o'clock in the,
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Afternoon i'll be off work about twelve and. ONE i
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: spend my time at the. BAR i was tossed back
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: drinks AND i would go straight into training while completely,
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: drunk to the point WHERE i was going To Planet
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: fitness in the city and the staff was so used
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: to me they would wake me up before the shift
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: was over and, say, hey, honey you need to go.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Home like my habit was to go on the, treadmill
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: do some. MOUTHS i would do a cross training work
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: out directly, afterwards maybe shrimp. Training at that, TIME i
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: wasn't heavy into shrimp training like. That and THEN i
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: would tell myself this same lie every, Night i'm just
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: gonna sit here in this chair And i'm gonna let
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: massage me for about ten. Minutes ten minutes would be
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: like an hour or. TWO i would get on a train.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Afterwards SOMETIMES i miss my, stop And i'd get home
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: just early enough so my son can actually say goodbye
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: to me in the. Mornings the most of my depression
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: came from the idea that my new work hours and
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: the training was taking, over and that my husband AND
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: i were just like a really bad.
• 17:55
  Speaker 4: Space that it was a downward.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: Spiral was, Like, OKAY i can't see my, FAMILY i
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: can't see my you, KNOW i can't see my. SON
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: i can't bring them to the school. Anymore ALL i
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: do is work and. Train let me hit the, bottle
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: and it was just rince, wash. Repete i've had friends
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: that literally started picking up THAT i was becoming an.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Alcoholic THAT i had friends picked me up from work
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: who was, like, hey you, know we just wanted to
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: stop buy a, job and really they were just checking
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: on me because they knew if they said it outright
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: to tell me THAT i was an, alcoholic that was
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: an easy way to get cursed.
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: Out it took for. ME i was bouncing that with
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: an eating.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Disorder so it was just so many variables that were
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: wrong at that time that maybe that wouldn't have been
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: the ideal time they actually trained for a. MARATHON i
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: let someone talk me into thinking THAT i was too
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: heavy to possibly be a.
• 18:49
  Speaker 4: Runner NOW i am very.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: Happy i'm two hundred and fifty pounds right now at
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: this present. Time at the, TIME i was one hundred
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: and sixty five pounds and five foot three and a
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: half BECAUSE i have to add that in, there five
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: foot three and a, half one hundred and sixty five.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: Pounds AND i had a quote unquote friend that said to, me,
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: well you're running all these, races why are you still?
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: Fat you know you're doing endurance. Running you think that
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: you're going to be a marathona with a respectable time
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: if you're that. Fat and he talks me into a
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: twelve hundred calorie diet while marathon. Training and for anyone
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: who is not aware of how dangerous that is people
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: who are trying to diet and lose. Weight that is
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: at minimum the amount of colork intake that a woman
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: should actually take in to do. That with marathon training
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: essentially means that you're not eating anything at. All your
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: body is going to metabolize and break down things whatever
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: way of whatever speed that it goes for, you and
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: you are losing weight as you are working, out because
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: as much as we love these, things it is still burning.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: Calories so WHILE i wasn't, like you, know doing the
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: visual the visual, things the visual things that people think
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: of and eating, DISORDERS i just didn't see anything on
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: advertisements where you saw plus sized people or even people
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: who were just like at the time one sixty five and, say,
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: ah that's what an eating disorder looks. Like it took
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: for me to be in the middle Of West, fourth
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: got into the middle of traffic in the dead of,
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: Winter i'm sweating bullets for no apparent, reason lost my,
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: hearing my vision completely collapsed in front of my, staff
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: and that that was enough to scare me away from.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Everything that's how The New York City marathon became a
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: better or in a realistic outlook of what an athlete
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: should look like and WHAT i should have been feeling
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: versus the pain and smelling my own like alcohol come
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: out my system during a. MARATHON i never want to
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: relive that ever. Again so what do you remember then
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: from your first? Marathon oh, man my first marathon was
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: it was crap, city you know like. THAT i remember
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: that morning because that marathon was In, WASHINGTON. Dc that,
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: MORNING i had my husband and my son out, there
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: and you, know because the weather was a little, OFF
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: i just told them, like, hey don't worry about meeting
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: me at sir mile. MARKERS i just really want you
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: to be there at the. End WHEN i did not
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: realize whereas two. Things, ONE i actually signed up for
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: a half marathon to take place here In New York
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: city the very next. Day so, yeah imagine doing your
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: first marathon and you jump on a bus to go,
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: home get less than twelve hours of sleep just to
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: do a half, marathon just because of pride and financially.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: Deficit there's just, like, HEY i did not pay one
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: hundred dollars for a, race and you're telling Me i'm
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: not going to show. Up at that, point my goal
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: WAS i got to do it for the, medals you,
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: know not so much now now it's just more LIKE
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: i do it for the, joy you. Know but that's
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: how the reasons why people run evolves over, time and
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: that's just humans in, general where we're not going to
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: think the same as five years ago as ten years.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: Ago but WHEN i think about that first, marathon the
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: first couple of miles felt great UNTIL i realized their
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: cutoff was five and a half. Hours even with being
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: at a faster speed at that, POINT i still was
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: not at a five and a half hour finishing. Pace
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: so that was my first introduction to being at the
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: true heart of being in the back of the.
• 22:21
  Speaker 4: PACK i cried a, Lot like.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: In the first two years of, RUNNING i cried almost
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: every time between miles eight to. ELEVEN i used running
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: as a way to grieve about my. Dad My dad's
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: been gone since two thousand and, nine so it was
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: just LIKE i kept hearing his voice just to keep
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: telling me to go, on AND i just kept pushing,
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: through you, Know like my longest training rue was like twenty.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: Miles BUT i kept seeing WHAT i didn't know at the,
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: time kept seeing this vehicle behind, me And i'm just
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: Like holy, crap is that what it looks like when
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: you're about to get pulled off the. Course so NOW
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: i have this anxiety Of i'm not going to be
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: able to finish my first. MARATHON i have to go
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: back To New york and be a. Failure what's gonna?
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: Happen AND i got a lot of warnings on the course, like,
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: hey you, know you're gonna have to pick up the
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: speed otherwise we're gonna have to pull you or we're
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: gonna have to cut your course. Short AND i just to,
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: ME i was just, Like i'm not gonna be a
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: real runner IF i don't cross this finish line and
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: they can't pick me up and put me ahead of.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: Schedule otherwise that means that MEANS i haven't earned this.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: Medal you, know my mind again has changed and matured,
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: since you, know twenty. Fifteen WHEN i think about that,
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: RACE i was mentally hitting a wall BEFORE i even.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: STARTED i remember hitting that wall At malt, three hitting
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: that wall at mal, ten hitting that wall At males.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: SEVENTEEN i felt it so bad At male twenty WHERE
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: i literally boohooed and cried and this lady was trying
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: to talk to me AND i just was not receptive
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: And i'm, like, ma'am just please just leave me. Alone
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: AND i started getting the influx of messages around this
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: time where people like From, facebook like my messages was
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: just going off like this is Before instagram stories was a,
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: thing and people were just, Like i'm so proud of.
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: You you're doing. Great you, know you make me want
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: to do a.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Marathon and that something then was the catalyst that actually clicked,
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: like oh, WOW i can actually weave in social media
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: to be able to tell stories and tell a narrative
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: and tell an honest truth of some of the things
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: that go on in people's. Heads so WHEN i think
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: about that, RACE i think THAT i was supposed to
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: go through, it but IF i was the ability to
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: be able to do it all over, AGAIN i would
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: have definitely done it in a healthier. Manner AND i
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: think that's the reason Why i'm so huge about advocating
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: about body, politics about advocating loving yourself at every, size every,
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: shape whatever your mental state, is that it does not
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: have to be this fictitious idea that every day is
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: going to be.
• 24:51
  Speaker 4: Happy there is.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: Nothing wrong with saying today sucks and maybe the next day,
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: sucks but at some POINT i can change. That, really
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: the MEMORIES i have from.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: It when do you go from being a woman that
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: is struggling with alcoholism and an eating disorder to being
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: someone who feels a little bit?
• 25:12
  Speaker 3: Happier you?
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Know the one Thing i've learned through both of those
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: things is that you are still able to struggle for
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: the rest of your life with.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: It you.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: Know people like to think, like, oh, okay like you, know
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: six months from, NOW i am doing, spectacular AND i
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: it's behind. Me there are days THAT i look in
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: the mirror And i'm just, LIKE i don't like my,
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: STOMACH i don't like my, reflection AND i don't like my,
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: mind especially now being in a public eye where you
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: have the world of social, media where TEN i can
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: even say ten years ago it was not disprogressive where
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: people have that much access to. You so now being out,
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: there especially this year, alone in twenty nineteen, Alone i've
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: watched my following go from nine to ten thousand people
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: to now at forty k On instagram AND i have
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: twelve thousand. Followers like On, FACEBOOK i have people who
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: follow My Running Fat chef, blog people who write me
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: in emails and you cannot be deluded in thinking that
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: every message is going to be. Positive WHEN i went
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: viral in twenty seventeen for talking about The New York
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: City marathon and HOW i was heckled on the chorus
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: between males twenty one and twenty, two when that article
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: basically started like kickstarted my, Career, essentially that entire, WEEK i,
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: drunk and THAT'S i don't openly talk about as, much
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: but it is something THAT i think that MAYBE i
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: should be talking about THAT i woke up to a
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: beer every morning BECAUSE i was just, like this is not.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: NORMAL i can't go back to my day job because
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: people recognize me in the.
• 26:51
  Speaker 4: Street it was. Overwhelming some people enjoy, that they.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: Enjoy the idea of being, noticed and people want to
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: take pictures of. You it was LIKE i was a freak.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: SHOW i remember someone taking a picture of me on
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: the train while it was nodding off and she literally
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: pulled out her phone to do a selfie AND i
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: reacted in fear and she's, Like, MAAM i just recognized
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: you from the, article And i'm, like, sweetheart couldn't you
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: just like tap me to wake me? Up and, like you,
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: know like a normal person you, know and now that's my.
• 27:22
  Speaker 4: Life like, THERE i can.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: Travel WHEN i traveled To, LONDON i met, SOMEONE i
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: met a group of people actually in the, middle Like
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: i'm talking about Suburban. LONDON i met people who followed my.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: Blog i've traveled To berlin to do The Berlin marathon
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: and people knew me by. Name WHEN i was In,
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: tokyo there was a lady that complete like we had
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: a complete language, barrier and this lady recognized me and
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: she pointed to me and the only thing she said
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: to me was Black Girl. Magic BECAUSE i used it
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: as a hashtag and it was. Beautiful but it is
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: also for the wrong personality. Type it can be overwhelming
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: and scary because NOW i have to not only on social.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: Media you always think LIKE i can curate. THIS i
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: can't curate my everyday. Life there's elements that that's beyond my.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: Control i've had people take pictures of me posted up
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: On facebook Or instagram And i'm just, like when did
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: this person see? Me and they're, like, OH i didn't
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: want to interrupt. You you was with your, son And
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: i'm just, LIKE, whoa my life is not going to
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: be the. Same and as a recovering self, defeatist at
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: least that's WHAT i call. MYSELF i was one of those.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: PEOPLE i would get so close to success THAT i
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: was terrified of what it would feel like to get
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: that high and have someone snatch it from.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: You probably a little nervous at that time as well
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: that this could trigger you to get back more heavily into.
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: Drinking right the.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: DRINKING i knew that with positive, things the negative things
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: come with it as, well you, know because as many
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: POSITIVE i want to say ninety percent of the emails
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: and the MESSAGES i was getting were super, positive but
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: some of the things that you read it took me
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: back into my social work days where it was just
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: like you read people's problems and it becomes emotionally, draining
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: and if you don't know how to detach yourself from,
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: it those problems become your. Problems SO i was so
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: worried that this is gonna trigger me back into, drinking
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: this is gonna trigger me back into an eating. Disorder
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: i'm gonna have someone that writes me AND i still.
• 29:18
  Speaker 4: Get that to this. DAY i woke up to hate.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: MAIL i had someone that told me to stop eating
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: burgers and stop being a fat. Bitch you, Know that's
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: WHAT i wake up. To you just don't know when
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: it's going to come. In there's No, hey why don't
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: you take a social media? Break why don't you hire?
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: Someone people if they want to get in contact with,
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: you they will by any, means especially with the age of,
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: Technology we'll get in contact with you and say the
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: most vicious and vile things to you because they don't
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: have to look at you in your.
• 29:45
  Speaker 4: Face they can do.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: It behind the power of a keyboard and two hundred
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: words or. Less they can chop down everything of who
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: you are and shrip. You and those were the things
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: that scared. Me in twenty. SEVENTEEN i was just, Like
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: i'm not prepared for. This i'm, no there's no coach
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: in the world that's going to tell me this is
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: the way that you need to smile or present. Yourself
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: DO i censor? Myself after? This AM i a real?
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: ATHLETE i had people telling me, like you don't deserve
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: to be a sponsored. Athlete you're promoting obesity if you
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: are two hundred and fifty pounds in. Running but we
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: don't say that to football. Players we don't say that
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: to heavyweight, athletes you, know Like i'm like, boxers like
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: the ones THAT i. Admire but when we think about
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: the stereotype for a, runner you think, graceful, slender you, know, polished,
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: Poised AND i was just, Like i'm not any of those.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: Things i'm just like When i'm out, THERE i am,
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: STRUGGLING i am. CURSING i you, KNOW i am sweating.
• 30:46
  Speaker 4: Profusely there are times Where i'm asking myself At, malijue
• 30:49
  Speaker 4: why DID i sign up for this? AGAIN i KNOW
• 30:51
  Speaker 4: i enjoy.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: IT i KNOW i enjoyed the, community but this kind of,
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: sucks you, know it makes you question if you're a.
• 30:58
  Speaker 4: Fraud you.
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: Know so WHEN i think about all those, things all those,
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: variables at any given, MOMENT i always remind myself you
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: are capable of a. Relapse so every day is a
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: fight to make sure THAT i am not indulging too
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: much Because i'm having a super happy moment and somebody
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: else wants to pressure me into having one more. DRINK
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: i am reminding myself that IF i get a nasty
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: message from someone tripping me down to my size or
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: my race or you, know my sexual, preference THAT i
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: am still.
• 31:33
  Speaker 4: Worthy every single day it's a.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: Fight there's not enough, money, fame or even a presence
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: to make you an exception to the role of not
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: falling down that rabbit. Hole and it's something THAT i
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: try to emphasize with my audience a.
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: Lot AND i can't even imagine like going through all
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: of these eyes on you at this, time in particular
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: because not only is the running a marathon just such
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: an emotional and especially afterward a draining, experience but also
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: earlier that, summer you experienced something that was, truly truly
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: difficult for. You.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: Right the crazy part is right before going, VIRAL i
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: went through. GOSH i stopped counting after four. Miscarriages this
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: particular one hit me really hard BECAUSE i didn't KNOW
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: i was carrying. Twins so as quick AS i found
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: out about the pregnancy was as quickly AS i was
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: going through a. MISCARRIAGE i get inside Of Methodist hospital
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: and they only let me come, up which was the strangest.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: Thing they wouldn't let my husband come. Up when they
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: were doing this. SONOGRAM i heard the heartbeat one hundred
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: and thirty four beats per, minute and the lady says,
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: congratulations and she cuts herself off in the middle of,
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: it and it was like a familiar feeling BECAUSE i
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: used to work for The department Of. CORRECTIONS i work
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: in the medical, department AND i know that look when something's.
• 33:04
  Speaker 4: Wrong so she walks.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: Out two more people entered the, room And i'm, like, Okay,
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: mike is everything all right with my? Baby and she's,
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: like you, know just give me a. Minute AND i
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: started seeing the team grow into seven. People i'm, Like,
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: okay what the hell is going on? Here and she
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: walks out AND i spoke to her doctor and he's,
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: like have you ever heard of anything called a vanishing?
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: Twin And i'm, like excuse.
• 33:31
  Speaker 4: Me so for.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: Anyone who's not aware of what a vanishing twin, is
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: it means that you are carrying twins or you was carrying.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: Twins so, really the BABY i was hearing was BABY
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: a with one hundred and thirty four beats per, minute
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: and IF i looked off to the, side you can
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: see BABY, b but BABY b was.
• 33:53
  Speaker 4: Dissolving i've gone through.
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: Miscarriage, before AND i will not normalize and to, say, oh,
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: well you, know you know these things. HAPPEN i never
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: had twins and had to process that Where i'm happy
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: that one was, thriving and a BABY i didn't know
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: that existed now is not and they're, gone And i'm
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: like what DO i? Do and he's, like, well you,
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: know the baby is going to dissolve and just there's
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: no nutrients And i'm, sorry AND i was, like, damn,
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: well how many weeks WAS i you, know like it
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: was further along more THAN i THOUGHT i. Was and he's,
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: like you're gonna be. Fine Baby be's gonna be you,
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: Know Baby a's gonna be. Fine Baby bee is, dissolving
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: but you, know just you, know keep moving, forward take it.
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: EASY i want you to do a follow up with your.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: Doctor to follow.
• 34:45
  Speaker 4: Up never.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: Happened the next, DAY i miscarried with BABY a AND
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: i woke up and part of my, expression the first
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: THING i said was fuck this, shit.
• 34:58
  Speaker 4: LIKE i can't.
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: WIN i can't win at. LIFE i got people on the.
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: Internet at this, POINT i had a little bit of,
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: buzz but not as much as it is. Now it
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: was just LIKE i have people that write my blog
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: that tell Me i'm a fat bitch every. Day it
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: was my it was my breaking, point like why the
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: hell AM i doing? This you, know like why AM
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: i letting strangers into my life AND i, snapped so.
• 35:21
  Speaker 4: They gave me.
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: Medication they gave me pretty much like that was the
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: first TIME i ever took medication for my. DEPRESSION i
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: had a bad reaction to, it and somewhere along the,
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: LINE i ended up writing this blog on air AND
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: i left it up to this. DAY i ended up
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: writing this blog telling everybody about my. Miscarriage by the
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: time they took me off to, medication cause, like my my, family,
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: friend my, family and my friends were writing me frantically
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: And it's, like pull this damn blog, down And i'm,
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: Like i'm not pulling down, Nothing Like i'm just typing
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: away uncensored in a way where it's just not no,
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: humor know. Nothing i'm just roar emotion OF i hurt
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: AND i can't laugh at this. ONE i don't want
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: to do this. ANYMORE i don't want to be this
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: open with. PEOPLE i just want to get rid of.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: Everything AND i just couldn't see it through it that.
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: MOMENT i was, like you know, What i'm not doing
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: A New York city. Marathon i'm not doing the SIXTY,
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: K i'm not going To Chicago. MARATHON i let a
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: small group of my friends and including my, husband actually
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: talk me into doing these last couple of. Races so,
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: really WHEN i wrote that, ARTICLE i did not expect
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: on being a professional. ATHLETE i did not expect for
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: people to actually care BECAUSE i was just so mentally shut.
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: Down at that. POINT i was just, like this is
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: my last. Hurrah this is me SAYING i signed up
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: for these. THINGS i committed to. It it's been, fun so,
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: long good, luck and onto my next. Chapter and if
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: it wasn't for all these random shit strangers sharing their
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: stories FROM i was heckled as a plus sized. BALLERINA
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: i did a ninety day challenge at the gym AND i,
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: won and they told me THAT i was. Cheating people
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: told me THAT i was stupid for being an. ATHLETE
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: i run a sixteen minute. Miles people think That i'm
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: not qualified to call myself an. Athlete i've had kids write.
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: Me i've had people who write me who had eating,
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: disorders people who wrote me because they were scared to
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: come out at their family. Reunion and it's just when
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: you read all, that, yes it's a lot of, pressure
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: BUT i was just, like if these people felt liberated
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: to contact the random stranger on The internet and share
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: a part of their life with. Me how the hell
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: COULD i walk away from? This because this message is
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: not just about a fat girl that got heckled between
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: males twenty one and twenty. TWO i am a metaphor
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: for so many people out there who felt like their
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: voice was not powerful, enough but they didn't deserve to
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: take up. Space and that's what.
• 38:06
  Speaker 4: Kept me in. This it was the, messages it was the.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: Voices it's the people that pretty much did, that who
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: didn't know that they were actually keeping me. Going AND
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: i was really scared of being called an inspiration because
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: to be inspirational that means you have to do inspiring.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: Things And i'm just, like, now is this a new
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: pedestal that people are going to put me? On and
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: then my, husband you, know a couple other, people was just,
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: like if you're not seeing the images and created be,
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: that you. Know so that's really the MESSAGE i try
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: to get across to a lot of my followers is
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: that sometimes these things aren't narrated or curated in the
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: media and mainstream, Media but what's stopping you from being
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: that superhero for?
• 38:46
  Speaker 4: Yourself not so.
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: MUCH i need to see these things and it's really
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: great to be able to see those, visuals but sometimes
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: we have to look at our own reflection and, say
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: where's my damn?
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: Cape what would you say right? Now are the biggest
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: goals on your?
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: RADAR i think my biggest goals is really to help
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: others narrate their own stories and the most raw and,
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: authentic unapologetic.
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: WAY i love that you didn't just jump straight to, like,
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: Well i'm planning to run this race and now it's.
• 39:14
  Speaker 4: Funny don't get me.
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: WRONG i do have, mine like my race, goals but
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: a lot of what motivates me to move these days
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: is giving other people permission to move in their daily,
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: lives not just through, running not to just, athletics to
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: their daily. Lives like if it's anything THAT i get
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: with all of the messages that come, through Like i'm
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: definitely not going back into social, work BUT i do social,
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: Work like things where people were, like oh my, god
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: that workout that you did on Your instagram account was.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: Amazing you, KNOW i WISH i was that, strong And i'm, like,
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: baby you are that. Strong you're strong in your, way you,
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: know but these things that you're seeing on, here like
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: it's these things That i'm curating and narrating in the
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: way THAT i want to show. Them they came with
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: a lot of. Iccups they came with a lot of.
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: Mistakes it came with a lot of. Failures there are
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: things that most people that you admire on Your instagram
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: or Your facebook or your social media account that you
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: are not. Seeing you're not seeing all the, things the,
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: grit the hard, work the times when they've broke a
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: vase against the wall because they felt like they're, Failing
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: the moms that you put in there to. Sacrifice we
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: see all the glitz and glamour where we do not
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: see the. Failures And i'm just, LIKE i want to
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: give people permission to, fail AND i want them to fail.
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: SPECTACULARLY i want them to fail in a way that
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: it makes them proud of those damn. Failures because if
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: you don't fail, enough it is very hard to, succeed
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: or if you constantly, succeeding you don't know what failure feels.
• 40:42
  Speaker 4: Like you don't have anything to work. Towards so my.
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: Number one goal really for the future is to be
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: able to help people narrate their own, stories not for
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: me to so much tell. THEM i have no problem
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: with telling these, stories BUT i want to see people
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: blossom in a way where they can see they're in
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: a shrimp and if it means THAT i come on
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: a couple of journeys with these. People like a lot
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: of the things THAT i want to do for the
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: future is be able to raise funds for certain charities
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: that hit home for. Me type one diabetes is definitely
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: one of. Them in twenty, SEVENTEEN i was diagnosed with,
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: inometriosis which is a really painful. Condition I'm stage, three
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: which basically means THAT i can still have, kids but
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: it's going to be, very very complicated for me to
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: have AND i am in constant pain all the. Time
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: even at this very, MOMENT i can still feel those
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: cramps and those. Pains it's basically like a, back like
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: a cloggage in your fallopian. Tubes and because of the
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: sciatica and the distant, generation some of that pain sits
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: on my, back so as soon as one thing flares,
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: up another thing kicks. In SO i want to be
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: able to tell those invisible, diagnoses those people know those
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: invisible diagnoses that they can still press. Forward it may
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: not look like everyone, else's it's not supposed to look
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: like everyone, else's but it is your version of. Strong so,
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: YES i do have, Races Like i've done forty six
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: races this. Year i've done thirteen or fourteen. MARATHONS i
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: attempted my first hundred MALLOR I i've done half marathons
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: for twenty. Twenty my goal is to be a. TRIATHLETE
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: i refuse to box. Myself you, know this YEAR i
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: managed to do my first powerlifting competition AND i won
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: with only seven weeks of, training and people are just, like,
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: wow you're really great at.
• 42:32
  Speaker 4: That why are you?
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: Running and it's. Not i'm not running to make first,
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: Place like that's. Great LIKE i love my fellow, Athletes
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: Like i'm a hoka on a sponsored, athlete AND i
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: am sitting in a room with these guys at any
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: given day And i'm just, like, wow look at that
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: person who made first, Place look at that person who
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: hit a world. Record that's amazing for. Them for, ME
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: i just want to honor the Body i'm. MEN i
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: love the idea that every day THAT i wake, up
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: that is in the, accomplishment regardless of how shitty it
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: may be to how spectacular it may, be regardless of
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: WHO i might be speaking with or WHO i might
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: be in the presence, WITH i am worthy to be
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: in that room.
• 43:10
  Speaker 4: Too so my goals.
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: With twenty twenty is, like, yeah you know the artificial. Stuff,
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: YES i WANT i want to run some more. RACES
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: i want to take on more trail trail running versus road.
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: Running i'm definitely Gonna i'm already signed up for a
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: couple of marathons, already but the things that resonate with,
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: ME i want to be able to do more public.
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: Speaking when you said thirteen, marathons, yeah halves and, fALS.
• 43:35
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah it was thirteen.
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: Marathons probably about it's eleven or twelve Halfs this, YEAR
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: i attempted one hundred miles at The hoveling one. Hundred
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: it's a party in the, desert and it has a
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: thirty hour, cutoff AND i was just so disappointed and.
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: Devastating that's really WHAT i mean by failing publicly is
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: hard because there are people who are rooting you on
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: and they're devastated with, you and then there's people who
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: are just LIKE i knew she couldn't do, that you,
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: Know SO i had to make a personal peace with
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: myself BEFORE i even told the line that showing up
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: is an, accomplishment that this is not just about. Me
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: WHEN i show, up it gives other people permission to
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: show up and, say oh, WOW i can do. That
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: two hundred fifty thousand, Fabulists oh, WOW i can do
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: that as an athlete with, disabilities but nobody ever sees.
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: It you know that representation actually. Matters SO i told
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: myself this, YEAR i wanted to see myself through on
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: forty six, races whether people believe me or, not whether
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: they do, IT i was going to.
• 44:36
  Speaker 4: Show up or.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: Not i'm, like even IF i have to encounter D,
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: nabs which is basically did not.
• 44:41
  Speaker 4: FINISH i found THAT i was much more.
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: Powerful to be able to fail, publicly because these things
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: happen when when you find that you are following your
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: favorite athlete or you're following your favorite, celebrity but you're
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: looking at the Will smiths of the. World these people
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: have failed countless times before they became who they. Are
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: so if that means That LaToya sh Take snell can
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: fail publicly and find out WHO I am going to
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: be in the next, year five, years ten, years twenty,
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: years whatever, way they may, be Then i'm okay with
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: that because that means THAT i Give clarence to The
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: henriettas of the, world The marshals of the, world the you,
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: know the Other LaToya that's walking around here in the
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: world who don't think that that could beat them.
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: Totally AND i, mean you describe yourself as a two
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: turn fifty pound recovering self defeatist in. Motion that's what
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: people see when they come to Your. Instagram when you
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: look in the, mirror what is it that you see
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: staring back at.
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: YOU i see. SHRIMP i see. RECOVERY i see, beauty
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: not just outer. BEAUTY i see inner beauty THAT i
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: was never able to, embrace not even five years. AGO
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: i see a damn. WARRIOR i see someone who has
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: an infinite line that flows around them because nobody's going
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: to define WHO i. Am the only person that's going
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: to define that is. Me and it took a long
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: time to get to this good space WHERE i can
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: say that that even When i'm, struggling even WHEN i
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: don't feel LIKE i am worthy or good, enough OR
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: i feel Like i'm going through a moment of imposter,
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: SYNDROME i can still smack myself in the, face look
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: back at that reflection and, say damn, it, girl you belong.
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: HERE i am so damn proud of WHERE i am
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: and Where i'm, going AND i know that the hurdles
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: are going to be, there but that's. Okay i'm going
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: to be prepared for that. Too and it's going to
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: be things That i'm just completely gonna be sidelined, on
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: and that's. FINE i will find a way to dust myself,
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: off get back, up and keep.
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: Moving you have an opportunity right now to offer The
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: LaToya that is going through so many of these hurdle,
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: moments so to, speak whether it's the misc carriage or
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: it's admittedly toughing it through that first. Marathon you have
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: an opportunity right now to offer her one piece of.
• 47:10
  Speaker 3: Advice looking back on, it what is it that you tell?
• 47:13
  Speaker 4: Her you are?
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: Enough you are beautiful and strong even when your world
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: feels like it is ending and crashing and crumbling beneath.
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: You you are not a descriptor that someone randomly gives
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: you in a. Shriet you are, Strong you are. Dynamics
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: you are the. Shit and if you need to be
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: reminded of that every time that you need that reminder
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: looking at damn marror and tell yourself that you made.
• 47:46
  Speaker 3: IT i love. It thank you so much for sitting
• 47:49
  Speaker 3: down with.
• 47:49
  Speaker 2: Me you please take a minute and leave a quick
• 47:52
  Speaker 2: review of the podcast by clicking the link with a
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: description to this. Episode we all face multiple hurdles in.
• 47:58
  Speaker 2: LIFE i want to hear about. Yours reach out to
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: me At emily at hurdle dot, us connect with the
• 48:03
  Speaker 2: podcast On instagram And twitter At Hurdle, Podcasts LaToya where
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: they find? You how do they keep up with? You
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: give me the? Deeds oh, yeah now you.
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: Guys, now if you actually want to listen to my,
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: podcast it is The Long run With martinez And, LaToya
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: you can fund that undernef the three hundred pounds in
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: running podcasts three hundred pounds in running dot com slash.
• 48:24
  Speaker 4: Podcasts but if you just want.
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: To find, me and you find all of my crazy
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: shenanigans and all of my, lawyers you can find me on,
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: www Dot, instagram dot, com. SLASH i AM L chantey
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: DO I A M l s H A U n
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: T A Y i AM L Chante and if you
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: want all of my foolishness and, fuckery you can definitely
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: find me on www dot runningfatchef dot.
• 48:49
  Speaker 4: Com that's.
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: IT i am At. Emilyabodi another hurdle. Conquered catch you
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: guys next.
• 48:55
  Speaker 4: Time