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Jonathon Aslay · Postcards to the Universe

0:09
Speaker 1: Welcome to Postcards to the Universe with Melissa Capria. Do
0:13
Speaker 1: you believe in magic? What if you were told that
0:16
Speaker 1: all you had to do was get a little creative
0:19
Speaker 1: and work a magic spell to bring anything you can
0:22
Speaker 1: imagine into your life. Here on Postcards to the Universe,
0:27
Speaker 1: we will share manifesting tips, postcards, creativity, abundance, and prosperity.
0:34
Speaker 1: Here is your host, Melissa Capria.
0:39
Speaker 2: Hi everybody, and welcome to Postcards to the Universe with
0:42
Speaker 2: Melissa creating the Life you crave. It's Wednesday. How are
0:45
Speaker 2: you guys doing today? I hope everybody is doing well.
0:51
Speaker 3: I have a really interesting guest today.
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Speaker 2: He is a midlife midlife that's us right, We're at
0:57
Speaker 2: midlife dating coach and the awesome Jonathan Aslay and he
1:02
Speaker 2: is going to talk to me today about self love.
1:06
Speaker 2: So the title of his book is what the heck
1:10
Speaker 2: is self love?
1:11
Speaker 3: Anyway?
1:12
Speaker 2: And I'm glad that we're going to be talking about
1:14
Speaker 2: this because I don't think people really understand the whole
1:17
Speaker 2: self love thing. Like a lot of us are like, oh,
1:20
Speaker 2: you're all into yourself or you feel like it's a
1:23
Speaker 2: narcissistic quality, but it's really not, because true self love
1:29
Speaker 2: is when we love ourselves, then we expect the best
1:33
Speaker 2: for ourselves. But that also means that we're present enough
1:37
Speaker 2: to give the best of ourselves to somebody else. So
1:40
Speaker 2: that's what we're going to talk about today. To my regulars,
1:42
Speaker 2: thank you so much for being here with me. If
1:45
Speaker 2: you're joining me for the first.
1:47
Speaker 3: Time, welcome. I am a.
1:49
Speaker 2: Photographer and author and I have a book titled Postcards
1:54
Speaker 2: to the Universe, Harness the Universe's power and manifest your dreams,
1:57
Speaker 2: and I talk all about manifesting in my book, and
2:02
Speaker 2: I have people create manifesting postcards, and if you want
2:05
Speaker 2: to know what that is, go to my website Postcards
2:08
Speaker 2: to the Universe dot com and you will see how
2:10
Speaker 2: to create a manifesting postcard. I tell you how to
2:13
Speaker 2: set the space and where to send it, and I
2:16
Speaker 2: photograph your postcard. And when your manifestation shows up in
2:20
Speaker 2: your reality, we could share your story.
2:22
Speaker 3: And in my book there are thirty of those stories.
2:25
Speaker 2: And one of the sections of my book is about relationships,
2:29
Speaker 2: and that's what we're going to be talking about a
2:31
Speaker 2: little bit today, about romantic relationships and getting into dating again,
2:37
Speaker 2: especially in midlife. So let me share with you, oh
2:41
Speaker 2: quickly before I forget. You can listen to any of
2:44
Speaker 2: my shows on any of the podcasting platforms. There will
2:48
Speaker 2: always be a description in the show notes about what
2:51
Speaker 2: the show is about.
2:52
Speaker 3: You can listen to it at home.
2:53
Speaker 2: Times, in the archives, on Postcards to the Universe, under
2:57
Speaker 2: podcast or on Apple I Tunes, whatever you're on wherever
3:01
Speaker 2: you prefer, you'll find all my shows. And if there's
3:04
Speaker 2: guests that you're interested in listening to, please do and
3:07
Speaker 2: you know, let me know what you think. All right,
3:10
Speaker 2: So let's get into my guest today, Jonathan Asley.
3:14
Speaker 3: So He's the focus of one.
3:16
Speaker 2: Of America's leading midlife dating coaches with over two hundred
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Speaker 2: thousand YouTube subscribers, and has expanded into a deeper essential
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Speaker 2: philosophy on what it truly means to love. After losing
3:30
Speaker 2: his nineteen year old son in twenty eighteen, Jonathan's grief
3:34
Speaker 2: led him on a soul searching in Our Journey, where
3:37
Speaker 2: he became aware of an often overlooked dimension of the
3:40
Speaker 2: dating conversation. He realized that the dating process reveals the
3:45
Speaker 2: most common emotional health issues faced with many singles seeking
3:50
Speaker 2: a partner, A distressing lack of self worth, self regard
3:55
Speaker 2: and self love.
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Speaker 3: Today, he is on.
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Speaker 2: A mission to encourage both men and women to love
4:00
Speaker 2: themselves with his book What the Heck Is Self Love?
4:04
Speaker 3: Anyway?
4:05
Speaker 2: Packed with fun, engaging, spiritual and personal growth practices. And
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Speaker 2: if you want to find out more about him, and
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Speaker 2: you could link to his YouTube channel, go to Jonathanastley
4:16
Speaker 2: dot com. I'm gonna spell it for you j O
4:18
Speaker 2: n A T h O n A s l A
4:22
Speaker 2: y dot com. Welcome Jonathan, Thanks so much for being
4:25
Speaker 2: here with me today.
4:27
Speaker 4: I'm so honored to be here. Thank you so much.
4:29
Speaker 2: Melissa, Oh my god, I could tell You're like, oh,
4:33
Speaker 2: I'm so honored.
4:34
Speaker 3: I'm like, WHOA, Can I tell you?
4:37
Speaker 4: Can I tell you a quick story?
4:39
Speaker 3: Because really absolutely please share, and I.
4:42
Speaker 4: Think postcards to the Universe. I want to share something
4:46
Speaker 4: I did. It was probably I want to say, ten
4:50
Speaker 4: fifteen years ago. Now my memory is a little bit off,
4:52
Speaker 4: but I once broke down all of the qualities I
4:56
Speaker 4: was looking for in a relationship and I put it
5:00
Speaker 4: in an envelope and I just addressed it to the universe,
5:06
Speaker 4: and I put a stamp on it had my name
5:09
Speaker 4: or I didn't put my name and address. I just
5:12
Speaker 4: put down my first name, and I dropped it in
5:14
Speaker 4: the mailbox, and I've always often wondered if anyone ever
5:20
Speaker 4: found it and read it.
5:21
Speaker 2: Kind of Oh wait, so you didn't mail it back
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Speaker 2: to yourself. You just put your name on it and
5:27
Speaker 2: just threw it in the mail and just let it
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Speaker 2: go to wherever it needed to go.
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Speaker 3: That's really good. Interesting, Well, was.
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Speaker 4: Address to the universe? Like the front said the universe,
5:39
Speaker 4: and the idea was I was always kind of like,
5:41
Speaker 4: where would this end up? I didn't think to put
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Speaker 4: my actual name and address in the envelope in the
5:47
Speaker 4: in the letter, but the idea was kind of like
5:51
Speaker 4: a message in the bottle, you know, just put it
5:55
Speaker 4: out there and see what happens kind of thing.
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Speaker 3: Oh my god, I love that.
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Speaker 2: It probably went to that department, what is it, the
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Speaker 2: dead letter mail department, and.
6:05
Speaker 3: Then maybe they're searching for you. Who is this person
6:08
Speaker 3: for trying to solve the story? No, I love that.
6:11
Speaker 2: So how did you get into being a coach for
6:16
Speaker 2: people to date?
6:17
Speaker 5: Like?
6:18
Speaker 3: How did that?
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Speaker 2: Were you always in coaching and you specialized in romantic
6:22
Speaker 2: dating and relationships or is this something you stumbled into?
6:27
Speaker 5: How'd that happen.
6:28
Speaker 4: For it was the latter. I stumbled into it. I
6:31
Speaker 4: don't think anyone goes to school and says I'm going
6:33
Speaker 4: to become a dating or relationship coach. I fell into
6:37
Speaker 4: it after turning forty, going through a divorce some years back.
6:42
Speaker 5: I found myself in the dating.
6:44
Speaker 4: Marketplace and there was this thing called online dating, which
6:48
Speaker 4: was relatively new fifteen plus years ago, and I thought
6:51
Speaker 4: you could just you know, punch in exactly what you
6:54
Speaker 4: want and someone would magically appear. And I'll never forget.
6:57
Speaker 4: I went on a great first date, really nice, but
7:01
Speaker 4: something wasn't right. And then you know, a couple days later,
7:03
Speaker 4: another day with a nice person, something wasn't right, and
7:07
Speaker 4: then another and another one, and in a year I
7:10
Speaker 4: had over one hundred first dates.
7:13
Speaker 3: Oh my lord, that's a lot. That's a lot. But
7:15
Speaker 3: I got to give it.
7:16
Speaker 2: I gotta give it to you for committing, because I
7:19
Speaker 2: think after ten I would have been like, no, I'm
7:22
Speaker 2: not doing this anymore. So that's that's good. That perseverance.
7:29
Speaker 2: I admired that.
7:30
Speaker 5: Well.
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Speaker 4: There was an interesting component about that because for one,
7:35
Speaker 4: I realized that the something wasn't right was me, Like
7:38
Speaker 4: I was the common denominator. But more importantly, I was
7:42
Speaker 4: addicted to the connections I was making. I was making. Actually,
7:47
Speaker 4: in many cases, I was communicating with women, not necessarily
7:51
Speaker 4: from a dating perspective, but making friends because we could
7:54
Speaker 4: bond in this common space of being divorced and that
7:58
Speaker 4: sort of thing. And what what happened is women would
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Speaker 4: reach out to me, Hey, Jonathan, would you look at
8:04
Speaker 4: my dating profile.
8:05
Speaker 5: And help me make it better?
8:07
Speaker 4: And so I good advice on how.
8:09
Speaker 5: To make it better.
8:10
Speaker 4: But then here's where it even got juice.
8:11
Speaker 5: Here.
8:12
Speaker 4: Then after they made their profile better, I'd get a
8:15
Speaker 4: phone call, Hey, Jonathan, would you look at this guy's
8:18
Speaker 4: profile and tell me what you think about him?
8:22
Speaker 5: And that's where this was birthed.
8:23
Speaker 4: And literally within a couple of years of that doing that,
8:28
Speaker 4: I was already unhappy in my professional life and I
8:31
Speaker 4: was going through a change. Anyway, I threw up a
8:34
Speaker 4: cheesy websitect one day. This was, you know, fifteen years
8:38
Speaker 4: ago or give or take, and all of a sudden,
8:41
Speaker 4: my coaching practice was birthed. And as you shared, I
8:44
Speaker 4: have over two hundred followers on YouTube and all that
8:47
Speaker 4: kind of stuff.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that well, that makes sense because you know now
8:52
Speaker 2: I mean, what is it. I don't even know what
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Speaker 2: the divorce right is now, but it's at least fifty
8:55
Speaker 2: percent right, I mean.
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Speaker 3: So, and if we is long enough, and if our average.
9:01
Speaker 2: Life span is between seventy five and you know, eighty five,
9:05
Speaker 2: most many of us are divorced. And that doesn't mean
9:08
Speaker 2: that we don't want to be with some we don't
9:10
Speaker 2: want to date, or we don't want to find another partner. So,
9:14
Speaker 2: you know, I find just being in that age group,
9:17
Speaker 2: you know, midlife age group, and a lot of my
9:20
Speaker 2: friends are single, that they find dating super super challenging,
9:28
Speaker 2: especially online dating, and so many people come to the
9:32
Speaker 2: table with so much baggage that.
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Speaker 3: They haven't addressed yet. And I love the fact.
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Speaker 2: That you're coming at it from a I was the.
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Speaker 3: Common denominator here.
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Speaker 2: Let me look at myself and working on yourself to
9:46
Speaker 2: attract that person that you want.
9:49
Speaker 3: So let's talk about that. How did that happen?
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Speaker 4: Well, I mean again coming back to at least in
9:55
Speaker 4: that period of time. I again, I noticed that the
9:59
Speaker 4: past of you know, I'd meet someone really nice, but
10:03
Speaker 4: something wasn't right. And when I realized was I wasn't
10:07
Speaker 4: really ready for a relationship, but I wanted companionship, I
10:12
Speaker 4: wanted connection, I wanted sex, but I really wasn't ready
10:16
Speaker 4: for commitment. So what happened is, as I was talking
10:19
Speaker 4: to women and them sharing their story, I realized, they're
10:24
Speaker 4: dating me. They're dating a guy like me that isn't
10:27
Speaker 4: ready for commitment because of as you said, you know,
10:31
Speaker 4: we call it baggage, but let's be a little bit kinder,
10:33
Speaker 4: and we'll call it luggage in mid life.
10:37
Speaker 5: You know.
10:38
Speaker 4: And what I realized that I could speak to a
10:41
Speaker 4: demographic because most people, roughly seventy five percent of singles
10:46
Speaker 4: over forty five years old, and this is anecdotal, is
10:50
Speaker 4: our divorce. And divorce comes with it in many cases alimony,
10:54
Speaker 4: child support, visitation or family cort or you know, a
10:58
Speaker 4: rectile dysfunction, all this, and I'm like, well, the twenty
11:02
Speaker 4: and thirty year old dating coaches don't understand this. But
11:05
Speaker 4: for us that are in their forties, fifties or even sixties, like,
11:08
Speaker 4: it's a whole different ballgame. When you get to this age,
11:12
Speaker 4: we are dealing with more. You called it baggage, I'll
11:15
Speaker 4: call it luggage or stuff. And that's the hard part
11:19
Speaker 4: is how does your stuff fit with my stuff right.
11:23
Speaker 3: Right, And many times it doesn't.
11:26
Speaker 2: And that's why people will have this sour taste in
11:30
Speaker 2: their mouth about.
11:30
Speaker 3: Oh, I'll never go online again.
11:33
Speaker 2: And then of course I hear other stories from other
11:35
Speaker 2: people that maybe have done the work and they decide
11:40
Speaker 2: to create their profile and meet somebody very quickly and become,
11:46
Speaker 2: you know, in a serious relationship. Because I don't believe
11:51
Speaker 2: that story when people say, oh, there's no good men
11:54
Speaker 2: out there, or all women are crazy, or they just
11:58
Speaker 2: want money, Like, I don't ascribed to those stories. I mean,
12:01
Speaker 2: there's eight what is there eight billion people on the planet.
12:03
Speaker 2: You're telling me you can't find somebody in your demographics
12:08
Speaker 2: who would be.
12:08
Speaker 3: Cared for you. No, I don't believe it. I don't
12:12
Speaker 3: believe it. I won't. I won't accept that.
12:15
Speaker 4: Well, I want to address what you just said. I
12:19
Speaker 4: can't find someone in the demographic. But the challenge is this,
12:24
Speaker 4: because we no longer live in tribes, villages, towns. That's
12:29
Speaker 4: the thing is that a single eligible person isn't standing
12:34
Speaker 4: right in front of us on a regular basis every day.
12:38
Speaker 4: And online dating now has radically surpassed what twenty years
12:44
Speaker 4: ago was you met people at work, you met them
12:47
Speaker 4: in college, you met them at church, you met them.
12:50
Speaker 5: I mean even.
12:50
Speaker 4: Nightclubs used to be more popular. Now sixty plus percent
12:55
Speaker 4: of couples meet through an online connection. And the problem
12:59
Speaker 4: is now we're overloaded with so many potentials that it's
13:04
Speaker 4: hard to find the forest through the trees, so to speak.
13:07
Speaker 4: That's the hard part.
13:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the hard part. Are most of your clients
13:11
Speaker 2: women I'm just curious or men?
13:15
Speaker 4: I focus on women. I would say a small percentage
13:17
Speaker 4: of men. But well, because you know what women, You know,
13:20
Speaker 4: it's fascinating about women. Men they just want to know
13:24
Speaker 4: how to meet women. That's what they go and seek advice.
13:27
Speaker 4: Women will spend more time trying to figure out men
13:31
Speaker 4: instead of themselves. You know, they're like, well what are
13:33
Speaker 4: men thinking?
13:34
Speaker 5: Like?
13:34
Speaker 4: Women seem to be more I don't want to use
13:36
Speaker 4: the word obsessed, but more interested in understanding men and men.
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Speaker 5: Just want to know how to meet women.
13:43
Speaker 3: Interesting?
13:44
Speaker 2: Do you find that because I have a lot of
13:48
Speaker 2: or I know a lot of women, I should say,
13:50
Speaker 2: and a few good friends of women that are choosing
13:54
Speaker 2: who are at midlife, who maybe were married or or
13:57
Speaker 2: had children who were grown are choosing to stay single,
14:00
Speaker 2: But I don't know any men that are doing that.
14:03
Speaker 3: I don't know any.
14:04
Speaker 2: Men that are choosing to stay single. What do you
14:07
Speaker 2: think about that, about the dynamic that's happening.
14:12
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think to some degree to my perception on
14:17
Speaker 4: that is, men typically want physical connection, so the drive
14:22
Speaker 4: to be out in the dating marketplace. It might be
14:26
Speaker 4: those men that may not want relationship that they want
14:29
Speaker 4: physical connection, so they may not they may be actively
14:33
Speaker 4: looking for connection. But the population of singles in the
14:37
Speaker 4: United States, I think it might be up near upwards
14:42
Speaker 4: near one hundred million people, like it's significant. Now I'm
14:47
Speaker 4: not exactly taken the numbers, but the amount of non
14:51
Speaker 4: married people probably outnumbered married people today.
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Speaker 3: Wow, well, I.
14:58
Speaker 2: Do know a lot of this younger general are not
15:01
Speaker 2: necessarily jumping in a marriage. You know, that doesn't mean
15:05
Speaker 2: they're not in relationships, but they're not necessarily jumping in
15:08
Speaker 2: a marriage. I mean women, younger women don't want to
15:10
Speaker 2: have children anymore. So, so things are changing because for
15:14
Speaker 2: women and as a woman, you know, it's very different
15:16
Speaker 2: for us than it was, say fifty years ago, right,
15:21
Speaker 2: I mean, women don't need a man in the sense
15:23
Speaker 2: for their economic stability. Anymore so this so it's very
15:27
Speaker 2: different for women, but for men. Are men starting to
15:33
Speaker 2: come to you and saying, you know, my relationship fell apart,
15:38
Speaker 2: I was closed off. I didn't talk to my wife
15:41
Speaker 2: or my girlfriend. She always complained and I know I
15:45
Speaker 2: have this about me?
15:46
Speaker 3: Can you help me?
15:47
Speaker 5: Like?
15:47
Speaker 2: Are men looking to look at the side themselves more
15:50
Speaker 2: and say what is it about me?
15:52
Speaker 5: Like?
15:52
Speaker 2: This is what I want, but this is what I
15:54
Speaker 2: have to give? Are you finding that?
15:57
Speaker 4: I would say the percentage of men who are doing
16:01
Speaker 4: personal development, self help, spiritual worker therapy regarding relationships is
16:06
Speaker 4: increasing substantially versus the path I would say men in
16:11
Speaker 4: the past were probably more stoic and didn't address their
16:15
Speaker 4: fears and insecurities and patterns, but that number is increasing.
16:20
Speaker 4: I even did a workshop where it was called the
16:24
Speaker 4: Hoffmann process and it was forty people in an eight
16:26
Speaker 4: day workshop and there was actually twenty men and nineteen
16:30
Speaker 4: women in the class. So just to give you some context,
16:34
Speaker 4: it is now men oftentimes gravitate more towards the Tony.
16:40
Speaker 5: Robbins, the wealth building.
16:42
Speaker 4: Components, like they to seek help in that area because
16:47
Speaker 4: you know, our money represents a big part of a
16:50
Speaker 4: person's identity, particularly for men. So, but it's starting to
16:55
Speaker 4: shift more into relationships. I mean some men even know
16:58
Speaker 4: what the five love languages are.
17:01
Speaker 3: That's good.
17:02
Speaker 2: No, I'm happy to hear that because I think that
17:06
Speaker 2: the more of us, both men, women, it doesn't matter,
17:09
Speaker 2: you know, whatever gender you identify, the more of us
17:12
Speaker 2: do the work on ourselves, the better it is for everybody. Right,
17:17
Speaker 2: Because people who are secure with who they are, are
17:21
Speaker 2: happy who have done the work, they show up in
17:25
Speaker 2: the world in a much kinder, more approachable way. Right,
17:30
Speaker 2: Like that's saying hurt people, hurt people. They're saying that
17:33
Speaker 2: for a reason because they express that outwardly. So the
17:37
Speaker 2: only way to change anything is to work on yourself,
17:40
Speaker 2: and that will shift everything around you. So I want
17:44
Speaker 2: to talk about you talk about why you believe relationships
17:48
Speaker 2: are the best path to self love.
17:51
Speaker 3: Can you share what you mean by that?
17:54
Speaker 4: Sure, that's a great question. So relationships are dating and
17:58
Speaker 4: relationships because dating does this very intensely, triggers what I
18:04
Speaker 4: believe is the number one emotional health wound most everybody
18:08
Speaker 4: faced is is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable,
18:11
Speaker 4: I'm not likable. It's like relationships just trigger our stuff.
18:15
Speaker 4: So they're great containers for growth. And while we can
18:18
Speaker 4: do individual growth on our own when we're not in relationship,
18:23
Speaker 4: the minute you pair up with someone and your differences
18:26
Speaker 4: start to emerge. Oh boy, well this opened up the
18:29
Speaker 4: can of worms, and so it really you know, it's interesting.
18:33
Speaker 4: I was listening to Esther Perell recently talked about in
18:37
Speaker 4: the past, relationships were like a tight knot, you know,
18:41
Speaker 4: it was like another word. This is fifty one hundred
18:44
Speaker 4: plus years ago.
18:46
Speaker 5: There was like once you got married, there was no out.
18:48
Speaker 4: You had to figure it out, whereas today she claims
18:52
Speaker 4: that relationships are like loose threads. The minute you know
18:56
Speaker 4: there's a bump in the road, you're like, oh, okay,
18:58
Speaker 4: I'll just release this one and onto the next one.
19:01
Speaker 4: But the real growth comes when you overcome your differences
19:06
Speaker 4: as a team. And if you do this enough times,
19:09
Speaker 4: you can build a long lasting relationship. Because the reality
19:13
Speaker 4: is is humans are you know.
19:15
Speaker 5: There's no two people that are alike.
19:17
Speaker 4: You've got to bump up against two differences, and so
19:21
Speaker 4: in relationship you bump into them more often.
19:24
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's so true, and I think it's it's
19:27
Speaker 2: it's also learned too by what you see with your
19:31
Speaker 2: parents and your grandparents. I come from my family a
19:35
Speaker 2: long line of long relationships. My great grandparents were married
19:39
Speaker 2: almost eighty years. They were old when they died. My
19:41
Speaker 2: parents have been married fifty five years. You know, everybody's
19:45
Speaker 2: been married a very, very long time. So when I
19:48
Speaker 2: was married, I went in with that expectation. My ex
19:52
Speaker 2: husband's family was completely broken, cheating broken, you know, remarrying
19:59
Speaker 2: other people.
20:00
Speaker 3: You just leave when it gets too hard.
20:01
Speaker 2: So the relationship couldn't be from his perspective, could never
20:08
Speaker 2: be worked out because he doesn't know what that looks like,
20:12
Speaker 2: although I did. So It's interesting how when we come
20:17
Speaker 2: into a commitment, what we think of commitment has to
20:21
Speaker 2: do with it too. Just going off that point that
20:23
Speaker 2: you just said, don't you think you know?
20:26
Speaker 4: It's interesting as I'm hearing that, it reminds me of
20:29
Speaker 4: the blueprint I grew up with. I was told to
20:33
Speaker 4: go to college, get a job, meet someone, get married
20:36
Speaker 4: by a house, start a family like that was the
20:38
Speaker 4: blueprint that grew up with, and my parents to some
20:41
Speaker 4: extent where my role models, and as a child, I
20:45
Speaker 4: probably picked up more on all the negativity between them
20:49
Speaker 4: versus the positivity. And my parents were married sixty six
20:53
Speaker 4: years before my mother passed away. But I think we
20:57
Speaker 4: all have a blueprint that it starts from childhood, and
21:02
Speaker 4: then what ends up happening is we follow that blueprint.
21:05
Speaker 4: All of a sudden, many people find well, this isn't
21:07
Speaker 4: what I really wanted and like, like what we said earlier,
21:12
Speaker 4: the loose threads, we end relationships without working them through
21:18
Speaker 4: because I think many people, Melissa, just don't know who they.
21:21
Speaker 5: Are at a very young age.
21:23
Speaker 4: We don't really start to know ourselves. And I believe
21:27
Speaker 4: until we've gotten you know, to mid life. And I
21:33
Speaker 4: think that's one of the reasons why relations you know,
21:35
Speaker 4: it's it. But you know what's fascinating. If first marriages
21:38
Speaker 4: end at a fifty percent rate, then the question is
21:41
Speaker 4: why do second and third marriages end at a sixty
21:45
Speaker 4: five and seventy five percent rate? Like it's fascinating because well,
21:53
Speaker 4: I think it's because very few people actually examine what
21:57
Speaker 4: ended the relationship and worked on their stuff, particularly worked
22:01
Speaker 4: on good communication skills. You know, everybody says the most
22:06
Speaker 4: important thing about relationship is communication, But if you don't
22:09
Speaker 4: have good communication skills, it's just you're going to be
22:14
Speaker 4: bumping up against the same thing again and again, and
22:17
Speaker 4: that's why divorces happened at at a higher rate for
22:21
Speaker 4: those going their second and third go round.
22:24
Speaker 2: Yeah, So, what was it that you thought about you
22:29
Speaker 2: when you were dating and you were meeting all these
22:32
Speaker 2: women but nothing was sticking, and you started to realize
22:36
Speaker 2: that you needed to look at yourself. That took you
22:38
Speaker 2: on the path to looking about self love and deciding
22:43
Speaker 2: to write the book.
22:45
Speaker 4: So for me, you know, by the time I started
22:49
Speaker 4: to realize I was the common denominator, the movie The
22:52
Speaker 4: Secret came out. You know, I started to listen to
22:56
Speaker 4: personal development. I started to, you know, listen to spirituality.
23:02
Speaker 4: I didn't sought a therapist, so I was starting a
23:06
Speaker 4: growth path for myself and I recognized that I really
23:12
Speaker 4: I recognized I wasn't ready for a relationship, but darn
23:16
Speaker 4: I wanted companionship. I wanted connection. I wanted sex. You know,
23:20
Speaker 4: it's hard to do that outside of the container of
23:22
Speaker 4: the relationship. But I reached a point, and by the way,
23:25
Speaker 4: I did end up in a relationship with a woman
23:28
Speaker 4: who was a therapist. And I'll be candid with you,
23:32
Speaker 4: it was like great because she reparented me, because I
23:36
Speaker 4: had free therapy along the way, blessing and a curse.
23:40
Speaker 4: Let me just say, and so it wasn't. But I
23:45
Speaker 4: recognized that, you know the real problem wise, all the
23:50
Speaker 4: answers lie within, and I would say, the problem lies within.
23:53
Speaker 4: And you know, when I began writing my book, what
23:56
Speaker 4: the heck is self love?
23:57
Speaker 5: Anyway?
23:58
Speaker 4: I mean, it was birth when my son passed away,
24:01
Speaker 4: it was like I needed to channel I had all
24:04
Speaker 4: this energy of like anks and I wanted to challenge it,
24:08
Speaker 4: channel it. And I'd already been blogging about self love,
24:12
Speaker 4: you know, just writing a few.
24:13
Speaker 5: Blogs about it, and people.
24:16
Speaker 4: Go, well, you know, self love, you know, it's kind
24:19
Speaker 4: of cachet blah blah blah. You have to love your
24:21
Speaker 4: self perform. So here's my way of viewing it. Self
24:25
Speaker 4: love isn't about self care. In other words, it isn't
24:28
Speaker 4: manicures and pedicures, you know, although those are good things.
24:31
Speaker 4: Massage is that's self love is around self worth, self confidence,
24:38
Speaker 4: self reliance, self discipline. It's all these self words wrapped
24:42
Speaker 4: into love. But it's more about we all have a
24:47
Speaker 4: little six year old inside of us that's hurting to
24:51
Speaker 4: some degree. It's we've been we many of us have
24:54
Speaker 4: been wounded from our childhood, and very few people have
24:58
Speaker 4: done any real healing from their childhood. So we all
25:01
Speaker 4: have a six year old inside of us, an emotional
25:04
Speaker 4: six year old, excuse me, that needs nurturing, and so
25:09
Speaker 4: self love is the adult in you taking care of
25:12
Speaker 4: the little six year old inside of you on an
25:15
Speaker 4: emotional level. That's the way I interpret self love. And again,
25:20
Speaker 4: when people say you have to love yourself until you
25:23
Speaker 4: love another, well, self love is not a destination. It's
25:27
Speaker 4: a journey, right right. But if you're stuck in if
25:31
Speaker 4: you're stuck in negative limiting beliefs, negative patterns, judgments, insecurities, doubts,
25:39
Speaker 4: if you're in a stuck place, then it does recre
25:44
Speaker 4: I believe if you want to be in a healthy relationship,
25:48
Speaker 4: worked on those areas in your life and then step
25:51
Speaker 4: into a relationship. Because again, relationships we've already discussed is
25:55
Speaker 4: like you know, healing on steroids. Preferably find someone willing
26:02
Speaker 4: to work on it. But here's the problem. We are
26:06
Speaker 4: indoctrinated in a fantasy way of dating. We are indoctrinated
26:10
Speaker 4: in leaving chemistry equals relationships success and we need to
26:15
Speaker 4: be romanced and entertained. And that is the furthest thing
26:18
Speaker 4: from the truth.
26:20
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, Oh, I so agree with that.
26:23
Speaker 2: That's why when I watch those those film, those movies,
26:27
Speaker 2: you know, those those those rom com movies, and now
26:32
Speaker 2: that I'm older, I swear and it's terrible to sinic
26:34
Speaker 2: in me. I just roll my eyes and I'm like, well,
26:36
Speaker 2: if that was real life, that would never work, that
26:38
Speaker 2: would follow. Actually, let's see them in two years, right,
26:42
Speaker 2: that's what I want to see, make that movie.
26:45
Speaker 3: Because you could just see, you know, you see all
26:48
Speaker 3: the red flags.
26:49
Speaker 2: All right, let's pause here and I'll take our break
26:52
Speaker 2: and then we'll continue our conversation just a couple of minutes.
26:54
Speaker 2: Stay tuned, everybody, and we'll be back in just a
26:56
Speaker 2: couple of minutes.
27:03
Speaker 1: Conscious Media for conscious Minds own Times host your show
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28:25
Speaker 2: Hi, I'm Melissa Kaprio from Postcards to the Universe, Creating the.
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Speaker 8: Creating the Life you crave at four pm Eastern Time,
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29:34
Speaker 2: Hi, and welcome back if you're just joining me. I
29:37
Speaker 2: have Jonathan aslay On as my guest, and he has
29:41
Speaker 2: a YouTube channel where he has many many followers as
29:46
Speaker 2: he talks about a mid life dating and he is
29:50
Speaker 2: the author of the book What the Heck Is Self Love? Anyway,
29:56
Speaker 2: you can find out more about him if you go
29:57
Speaker 2: to jonathanaslay dot com. And so we were talking before
30:02
Speaker 2: the break about you were talking about the difference between
30:07
Speaker 2: what we understand as self love and what basically advertisers movies.
30:15
Speaker 2: These these things show us what we think about romantic love. Right,
30:20
Speaker 2: So the two dichotomies like, there's a difference between knowing
30:25
Speaker 2: ourselves and being secure and then looking for somebody else
30:29
Speaker 2: to fulfill this void, right of because if you don't
30:33
Speaker 2: love yourself, you want somebody else to show you how
30:36
Speaker 2: much they love you because that makes you feel good,
30:39
Speaker 2: because you need it so desperately because you're lacking in
30:42
Speaker 2: self love.
30:43
Speaker 3: And how do we start to discover that?
30:50
Speaker 2: First of all, what to do to bring that self
30:54
Speaker 2: love into our life and not look to try to
30:56
Speaker 2: grab it from somebody else.
31:00
Speaker 4: Well, you have to. I think it starts by knowing yourself.
31:04
Speaker 4: I think we have to examine and look inward and say,
31:08
Speaker 4: I have to know who I am. And I think
31:10
Speaker 4: it starts with an awareness of what your your insecurities,
31:16
Speaker 4: your negative patterns, your limiting beliefs, your judgments, all these things.
31:21
Speaker 4: Is start to look inward and I like to start
31:25
Speaker 4: with my insecurities because those are the things that you know,
31:30
Speaker 4: we hyper focus on all the beautiful aspects of love
31:34
Speaker 4: and not the real parts of love, which is our fears.
31:38
Speaker 4: And so it starts with that. Also for those sophisticated
31:43
Speaker 4: enough to want to learn something called love attachment style.
31:49
Speaker 4: This is this is a research that's been out for
31:53
Speaker 4: for a lot of years understanding the difference between secure
31:58
Speaker 4: in romantic relationships, between secure love and insecure love. And
32:03
Speaker 4: what most humans aren't aware is they attached to another
32:07
Speaker 4: human being, oftentimes in an insecure way. So when a
32:13
Speaker 4: person starts to do inner work and they examine what
32:17
Speaker 4: their attachment style is, it can give them insight into
32:23
Speaker 4: how they will interact with another human being. But here's
32:27
Speaker 4: the thing about this, Melissa.
32:30
Speaker 5: Most humans do.
32:31
Speaker 4: The test online and they all come out secure. And
32:36
Speaker 4: it's like, because we humans gaslight ourselves, we have the
32:40
Speaker 4: sophisticated way of creating an illusions illusion about who we are.
32:46
Speaker 4: So they're not really getting to the nitty gritty of
32:49
Speaker 4: what's going on because they have a perception of who
32:53
Speaker 4: they are versus who they really are. And then once
32:56
Speaker 4: you're in relationship, who you really are starts the surface.
33:00
Speaker 5: After we get.
33:00
Speaker 4: Past that brief little, you know, chemical high that we
33:03
Speaker 4: have when we meet someone.
33:05
Speaker 3: The honeymoon period, right, the honeymoon period.
33:08
Speaker 2: Well, my dad is the best because he always describes
33:12
Speaker 2: He always says, Monday morning always comes, and Monday morning
33:16
Speaker 2: is the start of the week. You got to, you know,
33:19
Speaker 2: the responsibilities, paying the bills like the weekend's over, and
33:23
Speaker 2: that happens in relationships. Monday morning always comes, so that's
33:28
Speaker 2: when he starts to look at each other and think.
33:31
Speaker 3: I don't know, can I live with you?
33:34
Speaker 2: I don't like that about you, or I don't like
33:36
Speaker 2: how I am how I am showing up when you're around,
33:41
Speaker 2: like certain things that's bringing up And maybe I always
33:45
Speaker 2: believe that people should spend some time by themselves as adults.
33:50
Speaker 3: That's just my personal opinion.
33:53
Speaker 2: Be alone for a little bit to really know who
33:55
Speaker 2: you are and what you like and what you don't like.
33:57
Speaker 3: And when you find things you don't.
33:59
Speaker 2: Like, look for people who can help you and you know,
34:05
Speaker 2: like a coach, like you like a dating coach or
34:07
Speaker 2: a therapist or whatever you need and start to work
34:10
Speaker 2: on yourself.
34:12
Speaker 4: You know, it's funny to say that because I thinking.
34:16
Speaker 5: About being alone.
34:18
Speaker 4: My father recently passed away at ninety nine.
34:21
Speaker 5: Years old, and I was like, I mean, just amazed
34:26
Speaker 5: that he lived on.
34:27
Speaker 4: So we celebrate that morning. But I looked back at
34:31
Speaker 4: my father's life and he was you know, had a
34:35
Speaker 4: mother and father who raised him. He immediately went into
34:38
Speaker 4: the military and was in military, and then he met
34:41
Speaker 4: my mother and was with her for sixty six years.
34:45
Speaker 4: And my dad didn't become alone for the first time
34:49
Speaker 4: his life until he was ninety two years old. Oh wow,
34:54
Speaker 4: and then we sent him to an assisted living facility,
34:58
Speaker 4: so he never was ever loan okay, yeah, yeah, And
35:03
Speaker 4: now he's a byproduct of that you know, baby or
35:06
Speaker 4: pre baby boom generation and all that.
35:08
Speaker 3: Yeah.
35:10
Speaker 4: Now we see a significant percentage of Americans in particular
35:15
Speaker 4: who live by themselves. And I think this is the
35:19
Speaker 4: next evolution of what we're experiencing in humanity, is the
35:23
Speaker 4: need to learn to love your own company. Yes, and
35:30
Speaker 4: that's why we see so many singles that, particularly in
35:33
Speaker 4: the midlife demographic. And the real call is not to
35:37
Speaker 4: find someone to complete you, which I know the movie
35:41
Speaker 4: Jerry Maguire glorified, but it's wanting to complete yourself. And
35:46
Speaker 4: believe me, this is hard to do because life is
35:49
Speaker 4: better with company, you know. But at the same time,
35:53
Speaker 4: it's learning to love your own company.
35:57
Speaker 5: And whether you find a mate or.
35:59
Speaker 4: Not, it's really learning to I believe it's learning to learn,
36:03
Speaker 4: you know, love your own company.
36:05
Speaker 2: Oh, I do too, And how do you find your
36:07
Speaker 2: own company? Are you in a are you in a
36:10
Speaker 2: relationship now or are you not in a relationship.
36:13
Speaker 3: Or or what's your status?
36:17
Speaker 2: Feel like you can tell me it's none of my
36:20
Speaker 2: business if you want that.
36:21
Speaker 4: No, I'm happily shared. So a few years a few
36:26
Speaker 4: years ago, I was in a significant relationship where we
36:29
Speaker 4: lived together and she this was It ended a year
36:33
Speaker 4: and a half ago, and she realized that something was
36:36
Speaker 4: missing in her life and she wanted to move back
36:39
Speaker 4: to uh She wanted to move to a different state
36:42
Speaker 4: to be in their family, and so the relationship ended.
36:45
Speaker 4: And I'll be candid with you, I was heartbroken. I
36:50
Speaker 4: mean I genuinely wanted to marry this person. I was
36:54
Speaker 4: deeply in love and for the year and a half
36:56
Speaker 4: that we were together, and we even lived together, we
36:58
Speaker 4: had a great relationship. It was something was missing for
37:01
Speaker 4: her and she needed to go find that for herself.
37:04
Speaker 4: And if you genuinely care for someone, then you you know,
37:07
Speaker 4: if you love someone, you let them go kind of thing.
37:10
Speaker 4: But in my I will tell you that the pain
37:14
Speaker 4: that I experienced was another learning lesson for me that
37:19
Speaker 4: I had to learn to be a better for me
37:22
Speaker 4: to be a better coach, I really had to learn
37:25
Speaker 4: what this pain was and I'm not saying I sometimes
37:29
Speaker 4: believe that, you know, my karma is I've got to
37:32
Speaker 4: experience all the pain so i can be a better coach.
37:35
Speaker 4: I feel like that's.
37:36
Speaker 5: Where I want.
37:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, see, I can understand that.
37:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, Well, we must teach what we most know, right,
37:44
Speaker 2: what we need to learn ourselves. That's what a lot
37:46
Speaker 2: of us talk about, those things we need to learn ourselves, right.
37:49
Speaker 4: So yeah, and I'm in and I'm in an evolution
37:54
Speaker 4: where now I'm recognized. See, I'm a big proponent of
37:58
Speaker 4: life partners, partner ship based relationships. In other words, I'm
38:03
Speaker 4: a little old school in that way, whether it's living together,
38:07
Speaker 4: getting married, but I'm now recognizing that relationships really do
38:12
Speaker 4: come in all shapes and sizes, and I think we
38:16
Speaker 4: get a little caught up with the destination instead of
38:20
Speaker 4: just experiencing the rise. And I think as humans and
38:26
Speaker 4: particularly women, tend to get more hung up on this.
38:30
Speaker 4: And that's not to sound misogynistic or anything like that.
38:35
Speaker 5: I just observed it.
38:36
Speaker 4: And maybe just because I coach women, the minute we
38:40
Speaker 4: connect with someone, we're always focused on where is it going?
38:44
Speaker 4: And I'm not suggesting just living in the moment I'm
38:48
Speaker 4: really encouraging my clients to operate from a place of
38:52
Speaker 4: absolute integrity with themselves, open and honest, authentic, transparent, vulnerable
38:59
Speaker 4: community location, and at the same time going, Okay, this
39:04
Speaker 4: person that I may meet and start to date, let's
39:07
Speaker 4: not focus on the destination, because every relationship has a
39:11
Speaker 4: lesson And that's what I encourage.
39:14
Speaker 2: Well, I'm not surprised that most women, and I believe
39:18
Speaker 2: you when you say that women, because I just know
39:21
Speaker 2: from from lots of girlfriends through the years. They meet
39:24
Speaker 2: a guy, they fall in love, and it's where is
39:26
Speaker 2: it going? Are we going to get married? Are we
39:28
Speaker 2: going to live together? Where are we going to.
39:29
Speaker 3: You know, the house? And and so if they're already
39:32
Speaker 3: like three years into the.
39:34
Speaker 2: Relationship, and I think it's because there is a story
39:39
Speaker 2: that we take on as women from a very young
39:42
Speaker 2: age that we have to have a relationship we if
39:48
Speaker 2: we don't, if we're not married and we don't have children,
39:52
Speaker 2: women get questions that they would never question men, like
39:55
Speaker 2: why aren't you with somebody? Well, why what made you
39:58
Speaker 2: decide not to have children? And I've I've decided not
40:02
Speaker 2: to have children, And I get that a lot, and
40:04
Speaker 2: I look at people. Well, not as much anymore, but
40:06
Speaker 2: when I was a little bit younger, and I think, well,
40:09
Speaker 2: first of all, I don't know you, and that's none
40:11
Speaker 2: of your business, you know what I mean? And and
40:14
Speaker 2: and then I'm thinking, like, what makes people think that
40:17
Speaker 2: they can make a judgment about that? So we get
40:19
Speaker 2: told very young you have to be married, you have
40:23
Speaker 2: to be somebody's wife, and you have to have children, right,
40:26
Speaker 2: and so a lot of us carry that story with
40:29
Speaker 2: us and we and we feel like, well, well, if
40:32
Speaker 2: that isn't our story, something is wrong with us. And
40:36
Speaker 2: that goes back to the self worth, and that goes
40:39
Speaker 2: back to the self love.
40:40
Speaker 8: Right.
40:41
Speaker 2: So that is a lot of why I think women
40:44
Speaker 2: as soon as they meet somebody that they're really attracted
40:47
Speaker 2: to and they really like and he likes them, they're
40:49
Speaker 2: already like five years ahead.
40:53
Speaker 4: Well, you know, you bring up a good, good point.
40:56
Speaker 4: And I do believe women tend to be more condition
41:01
Speaker 4: that way, there's.
41:01
Speaker 5: No doubt about it.
41:03
Speaker 4: But I also believe that if you're in a relationship
41:05
Speaker 4: for three years and you're not having some meaningful conversations
41:11
Speaker 4: about what's the purpose of this relationship, it's nothing else.
41:14
Speaker 4: You don't have to focus on where is it going,
41:16
Speaker 4: but what's the purpose? And by the way, a lot
41:19
Speaker 4: of people in midlife are now accepting more part time
41:23
Speaker 4: casual relationships because for some people it's better to have
41:28
Speaker 4: something than nothing. And that's okay too. I think we
41:32
Speaker 4: have to let go of the judgment around the relationship.
41:37
Speaker 4: But here's the key point. And sadly women, I'm not always,
41:42
Speaker 4: but more often than not, they have duct.
41:45
Speaker 5: Tape over their mouths.
41:46
Speaker 4: In other words, they're not speaking their truth to the
41:48
Speaker 4: guy because they're afraid to upset the apple cart. And
41:51
Speaker 4: I'm like, the truth is how you build deeper connection.
41:55
Speaker 4: So hey, if your truth is you want something more
41:58
Speaker 4: and you're afraid by talking about it, it's gonna make the.
42:01
Speaker 5: Guy run away.
42:02
Speaker 4: But you're not in a real partner. You're not in
42:05
Speaker 4: a real relationship if you can't be your authentic.
42:08
Speaker 2: Self right and then you know sooner, so you're not
42:12
Speaker 2: wasting more of your time with somebody who doesn't want
42:14
Speaker 2: the same things that you want.
42:16
Speaker 3: And everybody's different.
42:17
Speaker 2: And I know another woman who is a dating coach
42:20
Speaker 2: and she told me and I thought this was interesting
42:23
Speaker 2: that more and more clients that are coming to her
42:25
Speaker 2: and maybe you found this too, are redefining what it
42:28
Speaker 2: looks like to be in a committed relationship. For example,
42:32
Speaker 2: many people who are deciding to move in together buy
42:34
Speaker 2: homes or buying homes that have two master bedrooms or
42:37
Speaker 2: designing him that way. There are people who are keeping
42:40
Speaker 2: their own homes and still would consider themselves in a committed,
42:45
Speaker 2: fully committed relationship that is their partner, but have decided
42:49
Speaker 2: to keep their own homes.
42:50
Speaker 3: And she said that that she's seeing.
42:52
Speaker 2: That more and more, and I thought, I kind of,
42:54
Speaker 2: I really like that actually, because I'm the kind of
42:57
Speaker 2: person that needs a lot of my own space and
42:59
Speaker 2: my own time. I'm you know what I mean, Like
43:01
Speaker 2: I need a lot of that, and I like my
43:03
Speaker 2: own company. So I don't like when somebody's up my ass,
43:07
Speaker 2: so to speak, you know, like what are we doing?
43:10
Speaker 2: Like what do we mean?
43:11
Speaker 3: We like?
43:11
Speaker 2: There needs to be someone just me you can go
43:14
Speaker 2: have you? So I like that people are doing that.
43:17
Speaker 2: Have you found that some of your clients.
43:20
Speaker 4: Well that's the new prevailing narrative. It's called living together
43:24
Speaker 4: apart or living apart together. I have noticed a significant
43:29
Speaker 4: percentage of people that exactly what you described. I actually
43:33
Speaker 4: can I'm starting to adopt that even for myself, is
43:36
Speaker 4: that I like my mean time, I like my own company.
43:40
Speaker 4: I don't want to, you know, necessarily, and I don't
43:44
Speaker 4: necessarily want to have to talk on the phone every
43:46
Speaker 4: single night to keep the thing, you know, to keep
43:48
Speaker 4: the other going. And so a lot of people are opting.
43:52
Speaker 4: I mean it's almost like casual but committed, you know,
43:55
Speaker 4: like it's like, look, there's a casualness to this, there's
43:59
Speaker 4: a part time to this, but we're still committed to it.
44:03
Speaker 4: I think ultimately, though, once you get to a certain age,
44:08
Speaker 4: like if you get if you're doing this for twenty
44:10
Speaker 4: you started in your fifties with this person, then now
44:13
Speaker 4: you're in your seventies, I'm like, all right, just get
44:15
Speaker 4: married and move in together, because you know it's cheaper.
44:18
Speaker 4: Two people can live cheaper than one.
44:20
Speaker 3: Right, right of course, right, yeah.
44:23
Speaker 4: And some people are starting this way even in their sixties,
44:27
Speaker 4: but ultimately I think they're reached the point in time
44:31
Speaker 4: you start to get into your seventies, you know, the
44:34
Speaker 4: days in front of you are short, in the days
44:36
Speaker 4: behind you. You want to finish this, this this ride
44:40
Speaker 4: call life in a separate home, or do you want
44:43
Speaker 4: to have someone else in it. I think there's there
44:45
Speaker 4: becomes a tipping point where you got to you might
44:48
Speaker 4: want to look at it from that vantage point.
44:51
Speaker 3: Sure, and you can still have your own bedroom.
44:56
Speaker 5: Oh.
44:56
Speaker 4: I talked to a dear friend of mine. I talked
44:59
Speaker 4: to a deer friend of mine, and she said, I
45:01
Speaker 4: mean she's now, she's in her mid fifties, and she's like, look,
45:04
Speaker 4: she tells men right up front, look at I just
45:07
Speaker 4: want you know something, if we go the distance, I
45:10
Speaker 4: have my own separate bedroom because I don't want to
45:12
Speaker 4: sleep in the same bed with someone. And I was like, wow,
45:16
Speaker 4: that's kind of balls underpart. And I'm like, but I
45:18
Speaker 4: understand it too.
45:20
Speaker 2: I'm the same way. There's no no, no, no. My
45:22
Speaker 2: own bedroom is my saying, my bedroom is my sanctuary.
45:26
Speaker 2: No more you are sharing, no more bedroom share. So yeah,
45:30
Speaker 2: I think a lot of women are feeling like that.
45:32
Speaker 2: And then also, you know, for women and men too,
45:35
Speaker 2: but as we get older, you know, our bodies are changing,
45:39
Speaker 2: going through menopause.
45:40
Speaker 3: Let me tell you something and it hot flashes in
45:43
Speaker 3: the middle of the night are no joke. So I
45:45
Speaker 3: don't know how many men want to sleep in a.
45:47
Speaker 2: Bedroom where it's like fifty degrees in there because the
45:50
Speaker 2: woman's dying, you know. So, So I think I think
45:55
Speaker 2: that if it works for the two people involved in
45:58
Speaker 2: the relationship and are both feeling fulfilled, they can design
46:02
Speaker 2: it anyway that that that they want, no matter what
46:05
Speaker 2: society is saying or telling the truthfully, that's what it is.
46:09
Speaker 3: It's the open communication and and and you know, and
46:13
Speaker 3: being able to speak what you want to your partner.
46:16
Speaker 2: But I want to ask you this because you talk
46:18
Speaker 2: about this, and I want to know what you did
46:21
Speaker 2: about applying your self love practice after your relationship ends.
46:26
Speaker 2: What what do you tell people to do and what
46:28
Speaker 2: did you do when when your relationship ended.
46:33
Speaker 5: I'll be really candid with you.
46:35
Speaker 4: I went immediately to acceptance and because I understood, like
46:42
Speaker 4: in other words, this wasn't a this wasn't a bunch
46:45
Speaker 4: of fights that led to a breakup this one person.
46:48
Speaker 4: If it's not right for one, it's really not right
46:51
Speaker 4: for the boat. So I went through. I went, I
46:54
Speaker 4: went to radical acceptance pretty quickly. But I'll be candid
46:58
Speaker 4: with you. Eight months later, I blew up because the
47:04
Speaker 4: loss of I blew up and the loss of a
47:07
Speaker 4: relationship is no different than a death. It's just a
47:11
Speaker 4: different death, the death of the dream, the death of hope,
47:14
Speaker 4: all that sort of thing. And when I went through
47:17
Speaker 4: the loss of my son, I went through different stages
47:20
Speaker 4: of grief, and one of them is anger. And I
47:23
Speaker 4: bypassed the anger because I went to radical acceptance. I
47:28
Speaker 4: recognize now a lot of breakup. I don't care if
47:32
Speaker 4: it's a short lived experience, a longer experience, whatever, it's
47:37
Speaker 4: a death and we have to create breakup similarly to
47:42
Speaker 4: the grieving process of losing a loved one, and so
47:47
Speaker 4: I went straight to like. Once I hit that, then
47:50
Speaker 4: I went into anger. Now I didn't get angry at her.
47:54
Speaker 4: I was just angry at the circumstances. Well, let me
47:56
Speaker 4: get back. I was angry at her, but because of
48:01
Speaker 4: a judgment around her. It was more I was the
48:05
Speaker 4: collateral damage to her making a change for her life.
48:09
Speaker 4: And so I took a baseball back to a pillow
48:13
Speaker 4: for days, and I just let a lot.
48:16
Speaker 5: Of it out.
48:17
Speaker 4: If anyone listening, if you're familiar with somatic therapy or
48:22
Speaker 4: emotional release work, our body stores up a lot of
48:27
Speaker 4: energy when we're in pain, and so emotional release work
48:32
Speaker 4: is one of the things I did, and like any loss,
48:37
Speaker 4: it never really goes away one hundred percent. Like my son.
48:40
Speaker 4: The loss of my son doesn't go away. I've just
48:43
Speaker 4: incorporated it into my life. And it's the same with
48:48
Speaker 4: a relationship ending. But I don't long for her. I
48:51
Speaker 4: don't want like I think the mistake people make or
48:56
Speaker 4: not mistake, but the pain is we want that person
49:00
Speaker 4: back to fill what's missing inside of us. And so
49:05
Speaker 4: the self love practice is really nurturing your soul. I'm
49:09
Speaker 4: going to say this, there's really I can't give you
49:12
Speaker 4: these ten to you know, do exercise dues, I say
49:15
Speaker 4: a bunch of things, But you have to find what's
49:18
Speaker 4: right within yourself. And that's really the ultimate journey of
49:22
Speaker 4: life is how can we be at peace within ourselves? Yes,
49:27
Speaker 4: and whether we're in a relationship or not.
49:31
Speaker 3: Yeah.
49:32
Speaker 2: No, that's a good point about getting all that energy
49:35
Speaker 2: out because it does.
49:36
Speaker 3: Storre in your body.
49:37
Speaker 2: And I talk about this a little bit in my book,
49:39
Speaker 2: that that we manifest issues and dis ease and our
49:45
Speaker 2: body we're stuck and stored emotions are that we just
49:48
Speaker 2: kind of push down and we don't want to deal with.
49:50
Speaker 2: So that is one way of working through it. But
49:53
Speaker 2: what would be a good I mean, like you can't
49:57
Speaker 2: obviously say for everybody, but what if you you found
50:00
Speaker 2: consistently or you tell your clients that do consistently when
50:04
Speaker 2: they're trying to do something to incorporate a self love practice,
50:08
Speaker 2: when they're feeling you know, not good enough, not worthy,
50:12
Speaker 2: or maybe they are grieving the loss of a relationship.
50:15
Speaker 2: What is a good thing that we can incorporate into
50:17
Speaker 2: our daily life that really sort of you find helps
50:20
Speaker 2: a lot of people.
50:22
Speaker 4: You know, I could tell you meditation, I could tell
50:26
Speaker 4: you yoga, I could tell you exercise. So you call
50:29
Speaker 4: your friends, but you want to know what I've observed
50:32
Speaker 4: that you can't necessarily do on a daily basis, but
50:36
Speaker 4: you could, you know, move that needle along, you know.
50:41
Speaker 4: Group I'm going to call it group therapy, but hear
50:45
Speaker 4: me out for a second, okay, because it's not therapy
50:48
Speaker 4: to say, but what I've observed is when when I
50:52
Speaker 4: have a circle of friends that we get together on
50:55
Speaker 4: a regular basis, and it's like group therapy needs ajo
50:59
Speaker 4: meets a drama party kind of thing where we sit
51:03
Speaker 4: in a circle with a group and we share what's
51:06
Speaker 4: going on in.
51:06
Speaker 5: Our lives, the good, the bad, the ugly, and I.
51:09
Speaker 4: Do this on a regular basis. I do this a
51:11
Speaker 4: couple times a month on average. And what it is
51:15
Speaker 4: is when you hear others share their experiences and you're
51:19
Speaker 4: sharing your experiences, and it actually helps us get better
51:24
Speaker 4: in touch with our own feelings. But more importantly, what
51:29
Speaker 4: the group does, at least within my circle, which is
51:32
Speaker 4: both men and women, I have a men's group and
51:34
Speaker 4: a group that's both men and women. We work on
51:39
Speaker 4: trying to get to.
51:40
Speaker 5: What we need, like what do you need? Like?
51:43
Speaker 4: We identify what we're feeling, the pain, the insecure, like
51:47
Speaker 4: the feeling you know, like anxiety, depression, and agitation, frustration,
51:52
Speaker 4: And it could be in any area of your life.
51:54
Speaker 4: It doesn't have to be breakups. It could be just
51:56
Speaker 4: the frustration of dating. As an example, U US. And
52:01
Speaker 4: by getting into what need is required and when we
52:06
Speaker 4: start practicing identifying our feelings and then identifying our needs,
52:12
Speaker 4: this is how we learn to be better communicators in relationship.
52:19
Speaker 4: And this is where most couples fail. You know, most
52:22
Speaker 4: relationships fail as a breakdown of communication because they don't
52:26
Speaker 4: really they're feeling their feelings, but they don't know how
52:29
Speaker 4: to identify it and articulate it and then identify articulate
52:33
Speaker 4: it in a healthy way and addressing what need is
52:38
Speaker 4: being come Like when a child screens, you know, a
52:41
Speaker 4: parent doesn't know what's going on and they look and
52:43
Speaker 4: they go, well, they feed in their diaper or they.
52:46
Speaker 5: Stub the toe.
52:47
Speaker 4: You know, a child doesn't tell what need as the
52:49
Speaker 4: parent figures it out. But we all have a need
52:53
Speaker 4: that needs to be addressed when we get an OUCH.
52:56
Speaker 4: So if I can encourage people to do and by
52:59
Speaker 4: the way, you can create your own group and you
53:01
Speaker 4: can join groups. There are tons of groups probably within
53:05
Speaker 4: you know, ten miles of where everybody lives, I mean,
53:08
Speaker 4: give or take there if they're in a rural area.
53:13
Speaker 4: Or start your own group. I know so many women
53:15
Speaker 4: who have started little groups. And that is because it's
53:20
Speaker 4: also bonding from a community perspective too. You know, in
53:25
Speaker 4: many cases, as I said earlier in this broadcast, how
53:29
Speaker 4: we went from being living in tribes and villages and towns.
53:33
Speaker 4: You know, like it's I'm encouraging everyone to create their
53:36
Speaker 4: community so they can share what's.
53:39
Speaker 5: In their heart.
53:42
Speaker 4: And when we start sharing from our heart, we start
53:45
Speaker 4: feeling more relief.
53:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that. Yes, I have been in groups
53:51
Speaker 2: and that has helped me tremendously. But also you in
53:54
Speaker 2: your book What the heck is self Love? Anyway, you
53:57
Speaker 2: have a lot of practices in there for people who
54:02
Speaker 2: want to start looking at how to incorporate a self
54:05
Speaker 2: love routine so that they can start to feel good
54:08
Speaker 2: about themselves in your book, right, well.
54:11
Speaker 4: I didn't want to do a brag, but yes, my
54:13
Speaker 4: book is a very simplistic version of it. By the
54:17
Speaker 4: way everyone is listening, it's very simplistic. It's just a
54:20
Speaker 4: bunch of little exercises and principles to start looking inward
54:26
Speaker 4: and taking ownership of your life because at the end
54:30
Speaker 4: of the day, you know, we only have ourselves at.
54:33
Speaker 5: The end of the day. As much as we'd love
54:35
Speaker 5: to be you know.
54:36
Speaker 4: I mean partnered and all that good stuff, but you know,
54:39
Speaker 4: learning to love your own company, as we said earlier.
54:42
Speaker 4: So yeah, my book does have some little short you know,
54:46
Speaker 4: tools if you will. At the end of the book.
54:50
Speaker 4: It's also all the resources, all the things I've gone through,
54:53
Speaker 4: whether it was the movie The Secret or Tony Robbins
54:58
Speaker 4: or therapy, all different modalities that I've worked on over
55:02
Speaker 4: the last twenty years, and my hope is just to
55:06
Speaker 4: encourage people to work on themselves because you know this
55:10
Speaker 4: this roller coaster thing called life. You know you said
55:15
Speaker 4: one hundred percent of it with yourself more than anybody else.
55:19
Speaker 2: Absolutely, So, Jonathan, tell people where they can find you
55:23
Speaker 2: in your YouTube channel.
55:25
Speaker 4: Sure so, as Melissa sharre it, and thank you for
55:27
Speaker 4: allowing me to share. Melissa, my YouTube channel is Jonathan Asle,
55:33
Speaker 4: last name spelled A s l A Y And you
55:36
Speaker 4: can go to Google and find me on YouTube and
55:40
Speaker 4: my website and all that good stuff.
55:42
Speaker 2: Oh, it was such a pleasure talking to you today.
55:44
Speaker 2: Thank you so much Jonathan for being here. All right, everybody,
55:48
Speaker 2: I hope you enjoy today's show, and thank you for
55:50
Speaker 2: listening to Postcards to the Universe with Melissa creating the
55:53
Speaker 2: life you crave. And I'm wishing everyone a wonderful week
55:56
Speaker 2: filled with joy, abundance and love.
55:59
Speaker 3: Peace.
56:13
Speaker 1: How ho, how
56:37
Speaker 4: How mist