Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Empty Gone

Transcript

Empty Gone · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I parked the car at therapy, and it was Monday. I double checked, and I know it's the right time. Not even late or sleepy. And I go in there at the building, I still have to put on my mask. And I don't know why is it.
• 1:36
  Not even even Halloween. Maybe it's how And I push the button. I go upstairs. I ride the elevator, and I know I have the right number floor. And I get out there.
• 1:53
  I turn the corner, and I walk down the hallway. And I know where therapy is. I've been there before. It's not my first time. It's not my first rodeo.
• 2:06
  I know how to do therapy. I know where therapy is, not my first rodeo. But therapy is not there. It's gone. I'm not even kidding you.
• 2:28
  The couches are gone. The the the lady is gone. The boots are gone. The books are gone. The leaves are gone.
• 2:50
  Them pictures are gone. And they say, can I help you? And I say, you are not the ones helping me. I don't even know who are you. And they're not there, and I think this has got to be a bad dream.
• 3:16
  And run back to the car, and I slap my face like in the movies. I slap me good. Wake me right up. And I tried to go back in there, and it's still gone. Everything is gone.
• 3:43
  It's not even it's not even what I thought it was. And I thought, oh, man, we're in trouble now. I don't know what to do. I went back to our car, and I drove all the way to Kansas as my phone is not working. So I cannot text her because my phone is not working.
• 4:20
  Can I ask for help? I just gotta drive back to Kansas. I know I'll get there. I drive all the way back to Kansas. I don't even stop or nothing.
• 4:37
  Don't get any snacks. I'm not doing any napping. I'm just doing some driving, and it takes a long time. And I get there. And when I get there, that's not our car in the driveway.
• 4:56
  I mean, I'm driving one car, but the van where the kids, the outside kids go in, that's not our van. And I think I do not know what is this twilight zone. And I just watch for clues, and I don't know who is at our house. And I look in there. Sure enough, everything's gone there too.
• 5:36
  And that lady in that house, that's not us. And them kids, not our kids. I landed on the wrong planet. I don't know which time am I. I don't know where I'm supposed to be.
• 6:02
  My phone is not working. Do I drive McDonald's and get on some Wi Fi I'm McDonald's in the parking lot because I wanna wear a mask. Why we have to wear a mask? I said, no. Thank you.
• 6:27
  I waited in my car, and I used a Wi Fi. Like, that might be cheating, so I left a dollar under their sign because that's not cheating, and it's not stealing if you pay for it. So I left a dollar. Well, 95¢ is what I had. I left it for them under the sign for pay for my Wi Fi, and and I can use my phone.
• 6:55
  And I messaged the husband. I said, I don't know where am I. Why is it not working? Everything is gone. He said, just get home safe, and here are our directions.
• 7:18
  And I can follow directions. I'm good at directions. He said we don't got no therapy, only on the computer. I'm thinking I don't know what kind of nightmare is this place, like a twilight zone. And I asked that husband, I said, man, you gotta help me.
• 7:49
  I don't know where am I, when am I, and everything is gone. He said, you gotta think of it like this. It's like your TARDIS land in the wrong place, and you're the doctor who, and your TARDIS land in the wrong time. And you just drive the TARDIS home to this address, and I'll show you around it for adventures, and I like adventures that works for me. But I think, man, I don't know what's happening.
• 8:28
  But I know doctor who said don't mess up the timeline. Life just like back to the future, you don't mess up the timeline, so I'm not talking to nobody. I want the police take me away from my TARDIS. So I stay in the car, except for if I got pee in the woods, And I get us home with my Tardis. Get I just I just drive right home to where is home now.
• 9:04
  And I about get here, and I thought, oh, I dreamed of this place. I thought I saw it with the fireworks, didn't I? Yep. I did. I thought, oh, it's a little bit familiar.
• 9:22
  I walked around here one time. I was dreaming. I thought I dreamed this place. But know what it turns out? It turns out I did not dream this place.
• 9:35
  This place was the real place, and the other place was dreaming. I made that therapist up. I just I just thought we were buddies. I thought we have some therapy by the park, and I play football with her. But I think I think I just dreamed it because that's not my place.
• 10:01
  This is my place. I'm like king of the mountain. I got my own hill out here. And we got six chickens. You know what their names are?
• 10:16
  Their names are Irving and Berlin and Rogers and Hammerstein and George and Ira. You know why that's their names? Because a husband, he writes musicals. That's why that's their names. But I gotta tell you, I don't I don't even know what's happening is I I liked my dream a little bit for for having buddies.
• 10:50
  I don't know what parts I dreamed and what parts I did not dream. I wanna keep my chickens, though. So I told my Tardis, and I told the husband, if I wake up again, can I still keep my chickens? Is I like them chickens. I know all about chickens.
• 11:11
  We lived on a farm before. I know it's memory time, but it feels like right now living on a farm. But it's different, but the trees are the same. I think it was closer here. But I looked in the goat pen, and I looked in the doghouse, and there's nobody hurt or bleeding in there.
• 11:37
  Nobody's hiding. It's a new farm. It's not old farm, and it's not a real farm. It's just it's just it's just just chickens and a rabbit. That rabbit, her name is Violet.
• 11:57
  I don't know why they named the rabbit Violet, but let me tell you, there's the ugliest rabbit I ever saw in my whole life. They probably named Violet trying to make up for that her ugly looks. I mean, if she were people, you can't make fun of somebody for ugly looks. But if they're a rabbit, that's just that's a personal problem. Maybe everybody likes rabbit so much, it don't matter how ugly you are.
• 12:47
  But mostly that rabbit just like to eat some hay, and that rabbit like to sleep, and that rabbit like to lay in the sun. And I thought, I'm just like that. I might be a rabbit, except I don't like salad. Like, rabbit likes salad. I like salsa, though.
• 13:08
  Salsa's kinda like salad. It got vegetables in it. But now it's daytime, and I can walk around here, and I can see we live on this hill, and it got fish pond out back. But it's not really a pond. I don't know why they call it a pond.
• 13:27
  It's like a waterfall and a bath tub, like a little a little pool, but just for fish, not for people. I got in there, and they said, no. It's just for the fish. It's not for people. You gotta get out of there.
• 13:43
  And I said, I'm just I'm just looking at the fish. And they said, you can look at the fish from over here. You don't gotta get in the water, but I just I I just won't see the fish. I'm pretty good at fishing. I like catching fish, but the husband said these fish ain't for catching.
• 14:03
  They're for looking. I want a bunch of fish looking at me. I like to look at my fish on my plate. I'm gonna eat that fish. They said I can't eat the fish or the rabbit or the chickens.
• 14:20
  I don't know what kind of deal was that. We live right by the woods. I looked at him, and I walked up there, and it wasn't scary at all. There's nothing out there except trees and hiding places, and I built a fort. And I'm just hiding out in that fort until I know where we are and when we are.
• 14:53
  The husband, he said, you can come down and sleep inside. And I said, I'll stay right here till I know what's going on. Thank you very much. So he brought me a tent and a blanket. That's right nice of him.
• 15:15
  But them chickens follow me around everywhere I go. I think it's because they know I'm gonna give them some food, but I think maybe they think they are ducks. Maybe maybe them chickens got other people inside them too, and maybe them chickens sharing a body with a duck. And they they're part chicken and part duck, part stupid sometimes. Them chickens.
• 15:47
  But they're kinda growing on me. I can't have a dog, but I don't have a chicken. I don't even know how that math works out. But I'll take it. Them chickens on my buddies, and I finally got friend.
• 16:01
  But I don't know what happened to my buddies. I don't know what happened to the therapy. I don't know what happened to our house. We just stay here, but I watched the road a long time, and nobody comes out here. So I guess everything's okay.
• 16:16
  All our stuff inside that house. I know because I went in for lunch, but I'm awful confused. I'm confused, but I don't reckon I feel scared at all. I just don't understand what's going on. He said we got new therapists.
• 16:50
  I said, what new therapist? He said a bunch of them. I said, I want a bunch of therapists. I just I just wanna be able to talk to somebody. And I know I know I know the therapist is not my friend, but you can talk to him anyway.
• 17:09
  But I don't I don't know how. My phone's not working, but it can work for this. It can work on Wi Fi, but only if it's on Wi Fi. He said, because we got feed to children. We don't gotta need anybody on the phone because we don't talk to nobody anyway.
• 17:26
  And I said, well, I'm in favor of buying food. You can have my vote on that. But he said right now, let's not drive anywhere. Let's just have a venture out home. So I play in the woods.
• 17:47
  I'm not scared. I'm not scared like before. Maybe I just dream all of it. I think I dream all of it, and none of it's real anyway. I think I just had a long dream.
• 18:00
  Maybe I always live on this mountain with my chickens, and I just went to sleep and forgot about them. How rude is that? I'm not even a very good buddy. I can't remember nothing. But the kids don't even have to go to school.
• 18:31
  They're just home all day. So they gotta do their math, and then we can play. And they play up in the woods with me, and we like it a lot. In the trees, it's not scary woods. It's good wood.
• 18:45
  I was little, and I used to play out there in the country, and I like that we're there now. I don't know if we get to stay or if I'm just dreaming or we'll wake up. I don't I don't know all the answers, but I know how to find some berries, and I know how to weave some grasses. And I know how to chop down trees, and I've been chopping down trees and cutting up wood, building stuff. So maybe I woke up in my own dream come true, I guess.
• 19:30
  I'll figure it out because I'm pretty smart, you know, and I'm not a scared cat. But I gotta break out here and figure out what's going on. I'm where everybody is. One time when I went inside, I found a circle notebook. So I snuck it out in my shirt, and I hid it in the tent.
• 20:07
  And I found my badges, and I found my pens, and I hid them in the tent. So we can keep writing, and I can find out where where my buddy is. Because I feel like I miss her, and I don't even know what happened. Her office is not there no more. And now what will I do about that?
• 20:35
  If I just up and made her up in my head, I won't be awful sad about that. I looked around at our meeting. I said, where is she? If she made up in my head, why don't I see her here, and I don't see her there. So I don't even know if she on the inside or the outside.
• 20:58
  No one's on the outside? Snakes. And I saw a scorpion. Thank you very much. But I took care of that.
• 21:07
  You don't even wanna know. But it involved a shovel. Most of the time, I tell them outside kids, if they live outside, we're the one in his home. You gotta leave it alone. But if I have a tent, there's not gonna be no scorpions in it.
• 21:34
  I tell you that. I take care of it. But it's not all bad news. You know what is good news? The husband and me, we put in a zip line, our very own zip line right down the mountain.
• 21:51
  It's the most funnest thing you ever saw. I'm not even kidding you. So you might wanna come visit. You can try it out if you're not too scared. And we put in some ninja warrior things.
• 22:11
  It's pretty fun out here on this land. And I know how to mow, and I know how to take care of it. And now I'm chopping wood because it's gonna be winter. We're gonna need some wood. I know it, so I'm making a big old stack of wood.
• 22:34
  And every time I start to get nervous or wondering what happened or where everybody is or what's going on or why the therapist's office ain't there no more, I just chopped more wood, and now we got a whole lot of wood chopped. He said, what are gonna do with all that wood you chopped? I said, eat some marshmallows. What do you think I'm gonna do with all that wood? If you chop wood, you gotta eat some marshmallows.
• 23:09
  It's like it's like the deal is part of the deal. And them kids, they're getting big. Them outside kids, they like camping too, and we just camp outside. We got some tents, and we and we had some marshmallows. They like marshmallows too.
• 23:37
  I taught them how to roast hot dogs on the fire. I'm not scared of a fire as I know about the first fire, but I'm not scared of it. And the truth is I don't know where those littles are. And if I if they're not here, I can have a fire and not even scare them. So I taught them I taught the outside kids how to do it.
• 24:10
  We had we had we had marshmallows and and hot dogs, and we sang songs and told stories. And I said, who's got my golden arm? And that scared them good. It was it's pretty fun. And we could hear coyotes, and we could hear wild turkeys.
• 24:40
  We hear wild pigs, them are called boar, and we see deer. I like seeing animals instead of people. I feel like we moved houses, and I landed right in the pants that fit me. Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this.
• 25:31
  Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.