Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Handle a Boss Who Competes With You
Transcript
- Lucas: So let's say you're crushing it at work. You're hitting your numbers, you're getting noticed by senior leadership, and your boss starts acting weird. Cold emails. Excluding you from key meetings. Taking credit for your ideas. Sound familiar? Luna: Yeah, I think we've all seen that. It's the boss who treats you like a rival instead of a teammate. But what do you actually do when your manager sees your success as a threat? Lucas: Right — that's the core of today's episode. And I want to anchor it with a real example. A few months ago I spoke with a product manager at a mid-size SaaS company. She had been hired to turn around a struggling product line. She did — revenue grew about 30 percent year-over-year. Luna: And her boss didn't pop the champagne? Lucas: Exactly the opposite. Her boss, the VP of Product, started excluding her from strategy meetings. He'd forward her proposals to his boss without copying her. He even told a peer that she was 'getting too big for her role.' She came to me asking: 'Do I leave, or do I fight?' Luna: That's a brutal spot. And a lot of people in her shoes would either get angry or get scared. But what did you tell her? Lucas: I walked her through three strategies. First — depersonalize the competition. It's not about you. A 2025 leadership survey from the Center for Creative Leadership found that 42 percent of managers admit to feeling threatened by a direct report's skills. That's huge. So the first step is to recognize this is a pattern, not a personal vendetta. Luna: Okay, but depersonalizing it doesn't make the behavior stop. What's step two? Lucas: Step two: reframe your wins as the team's wins — and specifically as your boss's wins. This is about managing the narrative. So the product manager started sending weekly updates that said things like 'Under VP Smith's guidance, our product line achieved...' She invited him to present the quarterly results jointly. She made him look good in front of his boss. Luna: That sounds a little like stroking the ego. But I get it — if your boss feels like you're elevating him, he's less likely to see you as a threat. Lucas: Exactly. And it worked — for a while. Her boss started including her again. But the problem didn't fully go away. So there's step three: know when to escalate. She documented every instance of exclusion, every missed cc, and built a case. Then she had a private conversation with her boss's boss — not to complain, but to ask for mentorship and to understand how to navigate the team dynamics. Luna: That's a risky move. How do you do that without making it look like you're going around your boss? Lucas: You frame it as career development. You say something like: 'I really admire how you've built this organization. I'd love your perspective on how I can grow into a more strategic role.' You don't mention the conflict. But the senior leader gets the hint. In this case, the senior VP started giving her stretch assignments directly, and the boss backed off. Luna: So she survived and grew. But what happens when none of that works? When the boss is so entrenched in the competition that they'll sabotage you no matter what? Lucas: Then you have a hard decision. I'd say if you've tried depersonalizing, reframing, and escalating — and the behavior is still harming your career — it's time to look for a new role. No one wins a war with their boss. The best case is you find a better environment. But in many cases, these three steps do make a difference. Luna: I want to push back a little. Isn't some competition healthy? I mean, if your boss is pushing you because they want you to be better, that's different from feeling threatened. Lucas: That's a great distinction. Healthy competition has clear feedback, shared goals, and mutual respect. The toxic version is covert: withheld information, credit stealing, exclusion. If you're not sure which you're dealing with, look at the outcome. Is your career advancing or stalling? If you're learning and growing, it's probably healthy. If you're stuck and confused, it's probably not. Luna: I think a lot of listeners might be experiencing that confusion right now. They know something's off but can't name it. Lucas: That's exactly why we do these episodes. And if this conversation gave you some clarity or a practical step to try, I'll just say — the reason we can keep having these honest conversations without ads is listener support. If today helped you, you can head to buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a simple way to say 'this matters' and it keeps the show going. Luna: Yeah, and we really mean it. Every contribution makes a difference. Okay — so back to the strategies. Lucas, you mentioned documentation. How detailed should that be? Lucas: Detailed enough to show a pattern. Date, time, what happened, who was present. Not a novel — bullet points. Three examples over two months is stronger than a list of ten small slights. You're building a case for a pattern, not a vendetta. Luna: And what about the emotional toll? When your boss is competing with you, it can feel really isolating. Lucas: Absolutely. That's why it helps to have a peer mentor or a coach outside your reporting line. Someone you can vent to and get perspective from. The product manager found a mentor in a different department — that gave her emotional support and also a sounding board for her strategies. Luna: So the takeaway is: depersonalize, reframe, escalate if needed, and have a support system. But also know your exit plan. Lucas: Exactly. You're not powerless. But you can't control your boss's behavior — only your response. The goal is to protect your career trajectory while giving the situation a real chance to improve.