Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep28: Laughing in Spanglish: Comedians on Hispanic Life 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep28: Laughing in Spanglish: Comedians on Hispanic Life 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US, they don't check anything.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's just a big revolving door.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: You walk right in.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: They don't even check your ID.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's easier to get into Mexico than a Costco.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: You just walk in.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: But coming back was a totally different story.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Coming back from Mexico to the US, there's no more revolving doors.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's a concrete windowless tunnel with guards with M16 machine guns.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was super nervous being an immigrant and all.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: And my college buddy Ian next to me, he was like, Jimmy, don't worry, man.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Just just tell the American, they let you ride through.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, easy for you to say.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Ian.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ian walks up, he gets through, no problem.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I walk up, the first thing they ask me, they're like, sir, are you an American citizen?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yes.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I forgot one very minor detail that I wasn't.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was still an immigrant on a green card, and I wasn't a full-on citizen yet.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box, and they started interrogating me.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: They were like, Sir, why did you lie about your American citizenship?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm so sorry.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm drunk and I really wasn't trying to lie.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American, so that's just what I did.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: It was a knee-jerk reaction.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, Well, was he American?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Well, his name is Ian, so probably.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then the officer was like, Sir, you do understand this is a very serious offense.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: We could deport you for this.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, deport me?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know that was an option.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: What was I gonna do back in Hong Kong?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Restart my ping pong career?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: That ship has sailed, man.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, sir, please, please don't deport me.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just drunk, stupid college student.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm every bit American.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in three fantasy football leagues.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: If that's not American, I don't know what it is.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I got very lucky.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is what he said.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, look, kid, you got lucky.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're not gonna deport you today, okay?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: But just don't ever do that again.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or we send you back to where you came from.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this motherfucker was Asian.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, where I came from?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: We came from the same place, dawg.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think I saw you at my uncle's wedding two years ago.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you gonna throw me under the bus?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: That guy definitely watched a great wall many times.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: But that was a very sobering experience.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'd been in the country for ten years at that point, but I still wasn't American.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing has changed.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I finally got my citizenship three years ago.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's you know you know it's a client.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: My point is nothing has changed.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Still Asian.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Just because I got a new passport, nobody in any part of the world is gonna come up to me and be like, hey, look, there's an American! Holy, he looked just like Rocky Balboa.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to my local Hooters.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was drinking a Coors Light.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was watching a World Cup.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: It was USA versus Mexico, and I was like, man, I'm cheering for Team USA.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm American, finally.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And this old Mexican dude came up to me.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: He couldn't really speak English.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what he said.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, amigo.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Amigo.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Mexico.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Korea.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Tomorrow, huh?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: What are you trying to start World War III or something?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not even Korean.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I really felt the need to explain myself.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, sir, I'm s I'm not I'm not Korean.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Chinese.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then he looked back to his friends.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, oh, Pinchichinito, eh?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, sir, you do know that I can understand what that means, okay?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have Mexican friends back home just like you.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, no, I'm not Mexican.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm El Salvador.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh great, now I'm the racist.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: In my life, I find the beauty in everything.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: No matter how bad something is, I can find the beauty in anything.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: And when I was in foster care, I started to realize how awesome it was.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because I got to live with so many different types of people.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: My very first foster family, they were Hispanic.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: They taught me how to speak Spanish.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I always have fun when I say that in Mexico.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because the Spanish dude go down on me, you know.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: And they taught me so much.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: They taught me how to, they taught me how to cook.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I know how to make carnecide tacos, enchiladas, papuzas, menudo.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I know how to make ochata from scratch.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: They taught me how to cut grass and how to deliver babies.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: They taught me how to build houses from the ground up.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: I can build you a motherfucking house.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: They taught me how to get a job outside the Home Depot.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: They taught me how to fix cars.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: I can fix a transmission.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: I can rebuild a carburetor.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Wait, no, wait.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: They taught me how to rebuild an alternator and how to steal a carburetor.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: They taught me how to change tires.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: I know how to demand.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: I know I can make the shit out of a Cincinnati dress like it ain't nobody busy.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I can sew too.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: They also taught me, they also taught me how to play the accordion.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was the I was the lead accordion player in a mariachi band, y'all, for like nine months.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: I toured all over Southern California, some parts of Mexico.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was all in Arizona, New Mexico.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: I was doing it.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Bitch, I was on El Telemundo and all that, okay?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was killing it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: That was me.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: That was me.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: I did all the cancellers.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was killing it.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then my foster dad got deported on some weed charges.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: It was messed up.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then they moved me to a Jewish family, and I was so afraid, you guys.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was so scared.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was so scared to live with these Jews because the Mexicans had told me what the Jews had did to Jesus.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh no.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a carpenter and I got curly hair too.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: What's gonna happen to me?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: But turns out they were kind and nice people, man.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: They taught me how to speak Hebrew.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: They threw me a bot mitzvah.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm circumcised now, so it feels so good when I walk fast.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like they just took the hood off, so it's like, ah, she ready.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, she just out there like yes.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: If you ever see me walking fast down Crenshaw, don't stop me because I'm feeling myself.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: You understand me?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just shit.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: I need to walk more often.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: This is how I keep my weight down.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be busting on these walks.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Who needs a man when you can walk fast than a motherfucker?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then my grandma got custody of me, and that's when I learned how to gang bang and braid hair.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_04: So go on the right day to get what you want.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_04: They had a whole mini oxtail, short rib, and fried chicken, but you gotta look at the dates.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_04: You understand?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, give me the short reel.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_04: Well, does it look like Thursday?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, I don't know.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_04: Give me the mac and cheese.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_04: Does it look like Sunday?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_04: Look, lady, what can I have today?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_04: You can have the meatloaf.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_04: I don't even want no meatloaf, but you need to get the fuck out of here.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_04: That's all we got.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_04: And don't try to call your order in to a black restaurant.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_04: That phone ring forever.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_04: Green, green, ring, ring, ring, ring.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_04: You be sitting there like, God damn, are they closing?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_04: It's 11:30 in the morning.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_04: What the fuck?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_04: Ring, ring, ring, finally, somebody pick up.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_04: Hello.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_04: This is make me so fool.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, it is.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_04: I said, I'd like to make a pickup order.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_04: Alright, hold on.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_04: Go ahead.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_04: I said, yeah, give me, give me the uh cabbage uh with oxtail.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_04: Uh give me some rice and gravy with that some yam.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_04: Uh, and uh give me some fried okra.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_04: Like, hold on, man.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_04: I man, I don't even work here.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_04: Let me see the fuck you answering the phone for I mean you know, some restaurants.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_04: I love Chinese food, but you call them motherfuckers, you don't know what they say.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_04: You might as well just go in.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_04: Like, don't sound like I saw this song for me so man, speak English.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_04: I asked me English.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_04: I know what the fuck was that other shit you said?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_04: Don't talk that sounds.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_04: Who the fuck are you talking to somebody else?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_04: You know, LA, you can get you in California, you can get that authentic Mexican food.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_04: You know, I didn't.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_04: I love Mexican food.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_04: That shit fire, you know, but they be trying to drink you be the same food with a different name.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_04: You know, tortilla with meat and beans in it.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_04: Jimmy drunk and tortilla with means and beans.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, what the fuck is going on?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_04: Like, fuck it, give me three of these.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_04: And that's the bad thing about like Mexican restaurants, they don't even have no restaurant.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_04: They be just cooking shit on that little hot grill right out in front of some building.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_04: They be right out in front of the LA fitting.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_04: You come out of there.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_04: I mean talking to you, ain't saying you want what you want, what you want, my man?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_04: My man, I got you, man.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_04: Come on, what you want?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_04: Give me five of them something.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_04: He ain't got no else stick, he ain't got no help stickers, nothing, you don't give a fuck.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_04: He chopping an onion up, you like a look at that onion.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_04: Mexican is the one that help me to the bacon wrapped hot dog.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_04: I never had I didn't know that existed.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_04: That was that gave me a damn hot dog, that motherfucker wrapped in the back.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_04: I said, What is this crunch?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, bacon on it.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, you motherfucking genius.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_04: And when you get a messing hot dog, they put all that shit in onions, tomato, they put all this motherfucking sauce and shit all over.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_04: It's so much shit on there.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_04: You can't you gotta eat it like you got on some dress clothes.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_04: But it be so corn.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_04: Didn't they cook?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_04: Did they do the corn the same way?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_04: You like, goddamn, man, they don't corn.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_04: Who the fuck ever heard of this?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_04: I said, give me four of them though.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_04: Motherfucker have them in a cooler.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_04: It'd be one the cooler be one side hot, one side cold.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_04: You got orange and grape fango in that motherfucker.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_04: I said, I didn't even know they make fango anymore.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_04: And they the one that told me that you can eat hot sauce on fruit.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_04: They put that hot chile on them, too.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_04: I said, You know, you want that just a minute, you don't want chili on your water?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_04: I said, who the fuck you try?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_04: Try it, you don't know.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_04: Like, shit, this is fire.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_04: My tongue's burning like a sun, bitch.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_04: It's quenching it and burning it at the same time.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_02: Right away, hey, where are my Mexicans at?
• 11:52
  unknown: Woo!
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_02: Two of us.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_02: That's it, right?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: And let me tell you something, the wall didn't chase us away, they at work.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, now we can't work.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_02: You sound that guy sounded like I was just in the south.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: I won't even tell you what state, right?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: This guy yells at me and goes, that's right, and we're gonna make you Mexicans build the wall.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_02: I go, right away, you're giving us jobs.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: And complaining.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_02: And that's why I said Mexicans steal a job.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: Every time I grew up in the hood, bro, never did I go to my cousin's house and say, hey, what's up, Chachi?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, hey, come over here, bro.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, me and Chewie, we went out last night, bro, and we stole three jobs, bro.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, really?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: You got three jobs?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_02: What'd you get, bro?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: Well, uh, I got a farm worker, we got a roofer, and a concrete finisher.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: I go, bro, you didn't steal those jobs, bro.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: They left those out for you to take.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: I told him, call me when you get a good one, like a CEO or a manager, you know.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, oh bro, you can't steal those jobs.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_02: They got alarms on those ones.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_02: And you don't want us to build a wall, bro.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_02: If we build the wall, we'll leave a hole.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_02: I go say, is that a hole?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, no, no, no, senor.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_02: That is not a hole.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, no, no, no.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: That is artwork.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: My cousin, he's very creative.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_02: This particular piece here, we call this one freedom.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: Crazy, bro.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, it's hard to be a Mexican, man.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_02: It's hard, man.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_02: You know, and then they yell at you, right?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: They yell at you.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_02: This guy goes, go back to where you came from.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_02: I am 40% Native American.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_02: I told them, Ta-da! I go, now your turn, bro.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm kidding, don't go.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_02: We need the tax base.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_02: Hard on us.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm not even mad at the wall.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm mad at?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_02: That you people don't think we know how to climb a wall.
• 14:29
  unknown: Right?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_02: They built this wall in the middle of nowhere and left, right?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: That is building material.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_02: They're gonna go back to that part of the wall and they're gonna go, well, there was a wall here before.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: And right on the other side of the border, there's gonna be a new Mexican town.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_02: Built out of the wall.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, alright, let's get this out of the way.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_02: I want to get this out of the way.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: Breaking bad fans in the house.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: Nice.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: Good for you.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_02: Suck for me, bro.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm telling you, it's so I'm from the hood, bro.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know I was gonna grow up and play a DEA agent on.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_02: I can't go to no more parties in the hood, bro.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: I show up to a party, you're like, hey, hey, you can't come in here, bro.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_02: You're a DEA, bro.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, no, dude, I'm not a DEA, man.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_02: I'm an actor.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: No bullshit.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: I seen you on TV, and I'm like, Dad.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_02: It's Christmas and shit, bro.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_02: I brought the kids, man.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_02: Come on.