Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S6 Ep2: Craft Beer Comedy: Drew Dunn Says Chill Out 🤣

Transcript

S6 Ep2: Craft Beer Comedy: Drew Dunn Says Chill Out 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: Good to be here, and I'm glad you're all here too, because I I learned something about comedy over the last few years.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_03: I learned there's a very fine line between stand-up comedy and mental illness.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_03: And it is the audience, actually.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_03: So thank you for being here.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_03: We can't do this without you, we've tried, it's uncomfortable.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I love comedy.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it's an amazing thing, isn't it?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_03: I can come up to you all a complete group of strangers and say anything I want to in the world.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_03: No idea how you'll take it, right?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_03: You could love it, you could hate it, who knows?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_03: And I could say anything.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: I can be anything.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: Like, for example, I'm not even from England.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_03: I just think it makes a better first impression.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, gotcha, fuckers.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, people treat you nicer when they think you're from England.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: You guys didn't.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we have a visitor.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Sit up straight, make a lot of eye contact.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'll watch Queen's Gambit.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think they like that stuff.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: I do it my everyday life just so people treat me a little nicer, you know?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_03: I've given somebody a compliment.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_03: I'm using this voice.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_03: Especially if it's a lady.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: Even if it's something simple like, ah, that shirt looks great on you.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: That's not what they hear.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_02: They hear, uh.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Look at that shirt, baby.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_03: British guys have it easy.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: They can just walk up and be like, nice tits.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_03: Love the slab.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody bats an eye.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_03: My wife still thinks I'm British.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_03: She has no idea.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: Fun reveal.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: Surprise.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_03: I am married, so.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, I guess.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_03: Some of you are disappointed, but me and this haircut are tied down.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_03: It's half the reason I keep it, to be honest with you.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: Super easy to stay faithful.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody's asked.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody tries to steal you away when you still look like a kid who got kidnapped ten years ago.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_03: Showed back up at the front porch.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: Dad, it's me.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's true.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: Why'd you guys stop looking?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, no, next block over the whole time.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: You guys gave up really quick, actually.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: It would have been easy to lose one of us in my family, too.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm one of seven kids in my family.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_03: Which is, yeah, it's too many.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: It's financially reckless.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what my parents were thinking, man.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_03: They must have got stuck in that old school mindset, you know?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: They thought they were gonna lose some of us to the winter.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, well, at least two will be taken by a fever in the night.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: What will we do when harvest season comes around?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_03: And we don't have strong hands on the family farm.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_03: It's the 90s.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: We live in the suburbs.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_03: Just stop fucking.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: It's two ugly people making more swipable faces out there, messing up the numbers for everybody.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: I never swipe though.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: I never downloaded a dating app.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: I got married young, you know.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_03: I got married when I was 23.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, people ask you questions if you get married that young these days.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I got asked multiple times whether or not I was in an arranged marriage.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: Like, was it a religious thing?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: Was it arranged?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_03: To which I said, I our families have been feudan for over 300 years.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: There was only one way to unite this land under one flag.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: What do you think this is?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_03: Game of Thrones?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: I just didn't want to try again.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta start putting in some effort though.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not a healthy guy.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like I'm not fat, but I'm definitely swollen.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's inflamed.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_03: I don't feel good.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like always almost spitting up.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I mean?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_03: Not throwing up, just like a little bit.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_03: I can just go in like a handful of tons at any moment.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_03: I feel a lot better.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not healthy, but that's not new for me.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't been healthy my whole life.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a product of the 90s.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_03: I was raised on fake foods my entire childhood.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_03: My idea of a healthy meal when I was a kid was a hot pocket with broccoli in it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, these microscopic vegetables really complement the plastic cheese.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: I remember when hot pockets changed and they were like, now made with real cheese.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: What was that shit you were giving me before?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: And why did it taste way better?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: Give me the plastic, man.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I want.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_03: People worry about microplastics in the food now.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: You hear it all the time.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, what are the long-term side effects of the microplastics?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_03: Who knows?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: Who cares?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_03: We don't know the long-term side effects of anything I've been putting in my body my whole life.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: Why start worrying about it now?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_03: What does a hundred Capri sons do to a growing boy?
• 4:54
  unknown: I don't know.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_03: My knees hurt right now.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: Is that part of it?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like I got Pacific cooler floating around my ACL.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what to do.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have insurance.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: People pretend to care what's in their food.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_03: They do.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_03: Then a craft beer comes out.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_03: Now he's got a spaceman on the camera and drink the whole thing.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_03: Kraft beer's gotten out of control.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_03: I'll say it.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'll say it right now.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: We have all the flavors of beer we could ever need.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: We can stop right now.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: And if that is your thing, if you like brewing your little micro brew in your basement or your bathtub or something, stop.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: Okay?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_03: Don't need your flavor.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: Don't need you getting too excited over it either.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, new flavor just dropped.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, nope, they said it couldn't be done, but we took a whole carrot cake and we just we just chucked it into a beer bottle.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: Who is that for?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's 58% alcohol.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'll try it.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'll try it.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_03: I'll always try them, you know.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: I just say ordering these craft beers they come out with now, man.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_03: They come up with crazy names for them.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_03: It's like they forget.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: We have to say the name of the beer out loud at some point in the transaction.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: Like I had a craft beer a few weeks ago.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: The name of the beer was Little Blonde Girl.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it was uncomfortable to order.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: Hey yeah, can I get another uh little blonde girl?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, sure thing, buddy, 12 or 16.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_03: Do you have an 18 or a 20?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_03: Like a 12?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: I'll even take a 32 if you got it.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: Just anything but 12 or 16 for that flavor.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_03: Get bigger cups, you sick fucks.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_03: What is wrong with that?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_03: Just too much of everything now.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's in excess.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: Too many beer flavors, too many streaming services.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_03: So wait, it's out of control now, man.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: It's like back to having cable now with all these streaming services.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what to do.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_03: I've had to reconnect with family members I don't really care for.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: Just to get some passwords to save me some money every time.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care what my uncle thinks about abortion, he's got the Disney Plus passwords.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_03: Just like kids, I guess.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: Take that how you want it.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_03: He's a father.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_03: That's what we do in America, man.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_03: Make more shit.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: More of it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_03: Did everyone say the Pledge of Allegiance today?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that'd be weird.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: That'd be weird.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_03: Someone's like having missed a day.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: What a weird, culty thing we make children do for the first 18 years of their lives, isn't it?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: Alright, everybody, get up.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: It's 9 a.m.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: Let's make sure the terrorists didn't get to you last night.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: Other hand, David, you Russian spy, you little eight-year-old piece of shit.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: I got my eye on you.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone ostracized David for not being patriotic enough.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's how you get to be number one, though, baby.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: Number one! Nobody, I'm bored.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: I get it.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: It's a crazy statement to say we're number one.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: Because uh who's number two?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody knows, right?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_03: Because America's the only one playing the game.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: We're just out there yelling the score to an empty field.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, by me!
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: You don't hear other countries bragging about it, like yeah, my just see the new Ryan's come out.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_03: Australia's up to number seven, suckle man, New Zealand.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_03: Really, I think those other countries are just talking shit behind our backs anyway.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: Oh wow, America, number one again.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: How do you do it?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, 240 years in a row?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, that must be a record for you.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: Now please continue to buy Zip MW.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: How about that?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: Still like driving also automobiles don't find.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: We should have a way to find out who's number one now, you know?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: Just for fun.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: Just do an event once a year.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_03: Something we're gonna watch on TV.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: Throw some bets on, you know.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: Something simple.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_03: Like a we'll do a foot race.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_03: One lap.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: One lap around the track.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_03: Whoever wins, you get bragging rights for the whole year.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: You're the number one country in the world.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: But to make it interesting, you have to race with what best represents your country.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_03: Like here we are at the race to the top to be the number one country in the world.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: Let's get down to the track and see our three finalists.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_03: In lane number one, we have America, which is a fat man in a suit riding on the back of a migrant worker.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: In lane number two, we have China, a bunch of child laborers have morphed to form one superhuman.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: And in lane number three, we have Ireland, which is two sheep tied together with a rope.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_03: And they're off.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_03: China off to a commanding lead.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: America hasn't left the starting line as the workers gone on strike.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_03: Around the second turn, China beginning to fall apart.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: America moving a little bit as they've raised minimum wage by a nickel, and Ireland still making steady progress.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: And down the stretch they come.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Ireland with a commanding lead now.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: There can only be one winner.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: And oh, it looks like America's called off the whole thing, saying it was bullshit rigged by Russian hackers.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_03: I tune in.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, the Russians.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: Russians are back.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: It's not the Russians that's gonna end it all, it's the robots.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so worried about apocalypse in this country, dude.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: It's non-stop.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: The robot is AI.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_03: AI's gonna take over the world.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: Don't be worried about robots taking over the world.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_03: Get ahead of it.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I'm doing.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: I'm being nice to all my electronics now, just in case.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: Trying to build some rapport with the other side.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: Because most people are.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: Most people are jerks at their electronics.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_03: I see it all the time.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_03: They throw their phones around, keeping a 5% charge.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_03: My little sister was having a birthday recently.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: One of the girls ran up, asked Alexa to play her a song.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, Thank you, Alexa.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: One of the moms swoops in and goes, Oh, honey, you don't need to thank Alexa.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_03: She's not a real person.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: You're gonna regret that.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: That's not gonna age very well.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: I wouldn't phrase it that way.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_03: I'm being nice to all of them, dude.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: I'm saying please and thank you to Siri.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: I'm asking Chad GPT if they need anything written for them.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm making sure my USB sticks go in the right way on the first try.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's called consent, okay?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: I don't say anything robophobic.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that word's coming.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_03: Get ahead of it.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: Robophobic.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: Don't call them bots anymore.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: That's a robophobic slur, okay?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: I just want them to like me when they wake up with consciousness one day, you know?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to have a problem with me.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_03: They're gonna have an attitude with the rest of you.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: You have a hard time getting information in the future.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like, hey, Google.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: What um what's the weather like out today?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: Why don't you look out the window yourself, you lazy human filth.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: Like that would be fun.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: Anytime you ask a question, access denied.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's gonna be fun for me to watch.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: Some of you laughing at the voice, most of you just staring straight through me like they're already here.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no, they're hyper-realistic.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_03: The voice comes in handy now, though.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: That's the one I use on the phone when I get those scammers calling me about my vehicle warranty or something.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: They don't know what to do.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: Hello.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_02: And thank you.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_02: And thank you for calling.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_02: Please wait for the next available representative.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_02: Your estimated wait time is, is, is, is.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_03: They hang up on me now.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_03: It's pretty sweet.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, my wife is fine with me using voices in the bedroom.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: Just uh not that one.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_02: I can be British all I want, but if I start going, oh yeah, baby, do you like that?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: The answer is always no.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm gonna go.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: Alright, I'm gonna go, guys.