Latest / EEShow (Everything's Energy Show) / How Your Mindset Impacts Relationships | Everything’s Energy Ep-11
Transcript
- 00:00:00 - Roland Welcome back to the EE Show where everything's energy. Today we're going to get into a very cliche thing that's balance. Balance is a very subjective thing to people. In this context, we're talking about the balance of energy in versus energy out in life and across all spectrums, relationships, business. And I have my co-hosts here, Michael and Marino. We're going to get into it. 00:00:19 - Michael Yeah. So I wanted to start off with a story. One of our center owners is like, well, I'm going to offer free sessions to a certain group of people, those indigenous people around. I was like, that's a really great idea. Altruistic. But I would advise that you have some sort of energy exchange that occurs in people getting because when someone gets something for free, they don't value it. So if you have an indigenous person maybe they make jewelry or moccasins or they hunt or fish, have them bring you something to value or someone can't afford something, maybe they could work a shift volunteering. Because really, if you truly value something you want to give back. So when you're just giving back to your community and they're not giving back to you, is it a fair energy exchange? 00:01:04 - Roland Technically not. Because one is indebted. You can't have a balance sheet that's not actually had an inequity I believe is a proper inequity. 00:01:12 - Michael Or I mean, just it's a value. There's a certain degree of honoring that should occur, and there's a victimhood that plays in. Well, if I'm getting this for free, I must be because I'm a victim, and then maybe they'll play a victim or they don't want to be a victim. I've seen the best is when you give something for free, and someone will not say no to taking something back from them because they're like, no, I need to honor you in one way or another for something that you gave me. 00:01:39 - Roland I want to actually say something a little personal and vulnerable right now in my world. All right. So I actually was connected with someone that you guys know, that does energy work as a practitioner. Yeah. And I asked if I could book a session with him, and his assistant said to me, he wants to gift you a session. And I was taken back. And I feel like I don't know that I want to simply accept this. You don't need to do that. It's like, no, no, he's insisting. There was a point in my life where I would have taken that. I mean, I get I mean, I don't have to pay the 300, but whatever. I don't have to pay for your session. And as I have grown as an individual, as a person, I really resonate with this idea that you said about giving back and finding true value in something. When you're someone who provides a service, and I think it's something that's really easy in my industry, when you're providing a service for the benefit of someone's health, for example. Yeah, there's almost a badge of honor of like, I do a good job if I help people and money is evil, I don't need money. All these kinds of things. We live in the third dimensional reality. You need to buy stuff. But when you realize that you yourself are truly valuing who you are, you don't want to take things from people. Yeah. And if you value who you are, you also don't want to give too much of yourself. And it could seem selfish. But the reality is, if you've become a proficient professional in what you do, you've put time into that. And your time is valuable because in my opinion, time is the most precious resource we have. Absolutely. So it's also a sign of where someone's consciousness is as they relate to reality in terms of the desire to be a victim and take, take, take versus the awareness that if someone's offering something to you, you should really stop and see what a value that thing is and look at your relationship with that. And then maybe also internally dictate that as to how you interact with other people. 00:03:28 - Michael Yeah. And it shows up in the way that you interact. I think that it's like part of your presence when you show up, when you value yourself. And because I've been in situations where like I've charged a certain amount for doing something and they're like, oh, well, we don't know. It's like, well, like I know that it took me years to get here and I know what I'm capable of, and I'm going to come and I'm going to provide a solution for you. Once they agree, when you show up, you kind of like there's this reflection of like your professionalism, right? There's like this energy that comes with it. And even for helping people like doing energy work and like practitioners, it's also the case for like personal development seminars. Like I'll go to them and they'll what they'll say is you came here, you've had an incredible experience, and now you want this for a friend or family. Don't buy it for them. Let them pay for the ticket, because if you pay for the ticket yourself, then they're not going to value it themselves. And so they'll give that advice. And I've been in scenarios where I know someone personally who paid for someone's ticket, which is $5,000, and this person's there and like on day two, they're like, oh, it's okay this night. And I was like, I can't imagine what was going through his mind. Right. But when people pay, they pay attention. Right. And so you just show up at a different energy when you had to kind of give something and not just take. Yeah. I mean it's applicable across a lot of things relationships, finance and business. Everything you do in life is a push and pull of energy exchange. You know, people out there that are adamant about being takers, they're typically not the happiest people because they're always trying to take. And then you have people who are givers, who are always happy, and they kind of feed off of each other because they're like one person gets happy from giving the other one gets happy from taking, but it creates an imbalance because then when they interact with the rest of the world, the rest of the world's very honoring and they're like, well, this is odd. So like, how do you think this really relates to, let's say, a partnership between a guy and a girl, or if you're in a different type of relationship, your significant other? 00:05:31 - Roland Like a romantic relationship. I think that's almost the classic issue that creates a dysfunctional relationship over time if there is that imbalance. Right. Because it also it's dependent upon a few things, first and foremost, in some area of life versus another area. One member of the couple is going to be stronger than the other. So it's a question of if they can each live in their strengths, then that relationship can probably be balanced and equitable. But if one partner is domineering and if one partner is too submissive, then the domineering person becomes the one who is dependent upon and the submissive one becomes the dependent. They need that person there for everything. And I think it's almost like you're trauma bonding with the aspects of yourself that hasn't been resolved to become more of a complete person. So in a relationship context, if there's not an equal give and take, which there's never like a perfect 50/50 balance. But I think the greater the disparity, the more long term dysfunction is created in that relationship. It doesn't mean the relationship ends because some people will stay together for 20 years, because they don't want to go out and try to be single again, but the happiness of the relationship will likely be compromised. The greater the disparity between that energy push and pull, as you put it. I don't know what you guys think. 00:06:48 - Michael Yeah, but just, I also like to think of the mindset of like, it's not 50/50. It's like both parties giving 100%, but both parties have to be participating. I like being in a relationship. It's like you want to show up and give in a way where giving to that person fulfills your needs. But it has to be reciprocated because you can end up in a situation where you're a giver. The person is just a taker, and then you have this like one sided kind of thing. But I think when both parties are just like giving, then you can have that conversation about trying to like level out the playing field instead of it being kind of, you know, teetered in one direction. I think a lot of it, even outside of relationships, just in general and business, friends, relationships, everything, it's really about communication and setting expectations and realistic expectations. It's having that conversation of what's going to create the balance. So we'll see. We'll start with business. You create a contract for a very good reason. So it outlines and no one can say well he said she said contract says I'm going to show up for work and I'm getting paid $20 an hour. This person's going to reciprocate me by paying me the $20 an hour. And you see people. It's funny too, because they'll be like, oh, well, they really don't honor me. My boss doesn't like me or honor me. It's like that was the agreement, but that's the agreement because they don't have to show up and be nice to you. They're paying you money. They're putting food on your table. While it might be nice, this is setting realistic expectations. Do you get a pat on the back every day? So maybe it depends on maybe that boss. But is that something that you should expect? No. I mean I think honestly it would make a good boss to actually honor people for great achievements. But on a day to day mundane tasks like, all right. Yeah, you did your job today. Great job. Here's your paycheck. You went above and beyond that boss might actually give you a raise or a bonus or take you out to dinner. Yeah, I mean, so but you set the expectation with that contract. I feel like in relationships, spouses and whatnot. That is a huge part of why relationships break down. It's because they're not having a clear, concise conversation on what do I need to be happy and being realistic. So girl be like, oh, I need a Birkin bag to be happy. Like, no, you don't need a Birkin bag. 00:09:03 - Roland That's a want. 00:09:04 - Michael You need to stop using Instagram. Girls don't need fancy purses. Every bag holds the same amount of stuff you put in it. Would you fantasize about that? Maybe. I don't know why anyone would fantasize over a bag, but just seems ridiculous. But I know women really love those bags. And those shoes. 00:09:20 - Roland To each her own, I guess. 00:09:22 - Michael Yeah. 00:09:22 - Roland To your point, you said something. That's a brilliant thing to circle back to. That is a parallel but divergence between a business relationship and a personal relationship. So if you're going into business with someone, you outline all the parameters of a partnership deal. You forecast things like everything is on paper, at least as an expectation that's set. And then as you go through life, things show themselves. You make small adjustments, but you come back to something in a relationship. It's kind of like, I like you, you like me. Feel good when we do this. Yeah, we've been doing it long enough. Let's get married. Very few couples that I know have established what are the terms and conditions of the relationship. 00:10:01 - Michael We need a TOS for marriage? 00:10:01 - Roland Yes. Like here's mine, here's yours. But not in a way that takes all the romance out of it. Like with my wife, I have our foundations of our marriage that are surrounding the aspects of existence that are most important to us, that we agreed upon things like love, trust, freedom, support, growth, purpose. Those are the six things that define my relationship. And you know you do your best to keep each other accountable. There are times where you know you get triggered. Your eight year old self comes out, you throw an emotional tantrum, you're like, oh, that's not about you. It's about me. I'm sorry. Afterwards. But people don't do these things in relationships because it may seem formal, may seem a little bit too contrived or controlling. But if you're going to spend your life with someone besides being a romantic relationship, it's a partnership. You guys, if you have kids, someone's a Department of Defense, someone's a Department of Logistics, someone's the Department of Finance. People need to understand where each other's expectations are beyond the expectations. Are there realistic agreements between two parties on those expectations? Are an individual's personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses able to uphold what satisfies and supports the other person? And do you keep each other accountable in the long term? It sounds like a lot, but I think you need to do that if you're going to be in a successful relationship with someone. 00:11:18 - Michael Yeah, no, I agree, and if we could take this back to the communication part of it, I have like my own theory of why people don't communicate so well. I think it's fear based. Accountability fear. Yeah. Because in order for you to negotiate or set those terms and conditions, I have to disclose to you what is it that I need? So I have to be vulnerable. I have to say I need these things from you, and without them, I'm unwell. And people don't want to do that either because they're afraid of being known or they don't know themselves. Right? They can't establish those terms and conditions. If I don't know myself well enough, I can't tell you. I have to go on my own journey to figure that out. But if I've had some traumatic experiences in the past, maybe I don't want to reveal too much about myself because I fear that if things don't go well, maybe you'll use that against me. So then we don't enter that conversation about setting those expectations and then that's when all of the issues come, because you're doing something that you think is trivial. And to that individual, it's like, well, you know that, like, I need this and you're like, I don't know. You never communicated it to me. You maybe positively responded to what I did in the past, but you're not always paying attention to those things. So it's kind of like my theory of why people don't have those conversations. 00:12:28 - Roland What you're saying is if someone can't show up authentically, they can't present themselves in a way that would actually be a participant in the development of a healthy relationship. 00:12:38 - Michael Right? 00:12:39 - Roland I agree with that. Yeah. 00:12:40 - Michael Yeah, that's a huge proponent of it. Yeah, yeah. My philosophy on business relationships or just any relationships is setting clear boundaries. Boundaries are one of the most important things in any relationship, whether it be with a significant other, business, friendship. It's if you cross this line, it's over kind of scenario and you could set bumpers to that too is like, well don't do this. And then like you can clarify later, like, I told you not to do this, but really don't do this or I need this done. Being very clear in your communication setting boundaries is, it's one of the hardest things for a lot of people to do is set boundaries because they don't want to cross a line. But then when that line gets crossed, they're the one that like, oh, I'm upset because this line got crossed. Well, you didn't say, don't cross that line. There are lines that we think are like obvious, like, don't steal from me. Oh my God. But you know, we've seen in business, you've seen it's, that's pretty insane. But yeah, no, boundaries are also a big one. A lot of people don't know their boundaries until they're crossed, and then they just have like a reaction to them. And it usually just ends really badly because they overreact instead of communicating it earlier on. I've seen that happen. So you're the only one here in a relationship right now. And how long have you guys been together? 00:13:56 - Roland Together? Over three years. Married? Two and a half. 00:14:00 - Michael So. I mean, that's a pretty long stint. So what if... 00:14:03 - Roland That's a long stint? How is it? 00:14:04 - Michael Most people are like one, two, three years. So you're past everyone. You're breaking the cycle. There we go. So what are some of your, you know, daily, yearly practices and communications that allow you to have such a successful relationship right now? 00:14:20 - Roland Well, the first thing I'll come back to is what I said before is I was really big on redefining the aspects of what I believe the conditions of a healthy relationship are in my world, because the hardest thing about being in a relationship is realizing that someone else has an entirely different worldview of almost everything. 00:14:41 - Michael That's applicable to everything, too. Exactly. 00:14:43 - Roland Yeah. But because you're with them, you fall into this lull of assumption or this familiar rhythm of just assuming that how you see something is how they see something. And unless you check that every so often, it becomes problematic. 00:14:57 - Michael You may assume you don't ever assume, oh, that's making that clear boundaries, clear intent, clear communication part. Yeah. 00:15:05 - Roland There's a have you seen the show Reacher on Amazon Prime? No, it's a great book. It's turned into a TV show and his number one saying is assumptions kill because he's a military cop and it's true because if you start to if you get into this rhythm of relationship dynamic with someone else, and because you're so busy, all of your energy is kind of spent looking at the worldview from your perspective. And you don't try to superimpose your view on someone, but you actually take the time to try to ask the question, what are they seeing that I'm not seeing? If you get into something with someone, I think that's the first and foremost, most important thing. The second thing is trying to understand what makes them feel good in the world. Like how are they fulfilled as an individual? How are they fulfilled independently? How do they feel fulfilled with me as part of something? And how can we find that balance of supporting each other? And like you said, communicating when something may or may not work. Because personally in my life, I've always been a little bit afraid in relationships to speak up about things that don't work well for me because I'm like, I can just suck it up, or I can ignore it, or I can deal with it. And you really do start to create an unconscious resentment to the person. That's your own fault. It's not their fault. If you don't tell someone where the boundary is, and you just take the shit all the time, and then one day you explode, that's on you. They've done nothing wrong. But if you blame it on them, you've also missed an opportunity for self-growth. 00:16:32 - Michael Yeah. 00:16:33 - Roland So and like, let's be honest, every relationship has those moments. Unfortunately, we learn where the guardrails are in life, sometimes by driving into them. That's a fact. And then I would say beyond that, relationships are really about waking up every day and consciously selecting to be with that person. And in this energy exchange, I don't think that there's a better breeding ground for your own self-growth and development than being in a close relationship with someone else. Ram Dass always said, if you think you're enlightened, go spend the weekend with your family, right? The people that are closest to you are going to trigger the ego aspects in you that are either unhealed that you don't have a good relationship with, or even worse, you have absolutely total ignorance that they're there. So if your partner is strong and you're willing to work through these things, I also think it's worth mentioning that a lot of people run when things get hard. It's like, oh, the energy is bad or the energy's imbalanced. I got to get out of here. 00:17:29 - Michael No intention, you know, lack of accountability. Yeah. 00:17:32 - Roland And sometimes we project the unresolved past from someone onto the new person in our lives. They may do that to us and we may then go, oh, well, this person is whatever. Rather than going, oh, they're actually using me as a muse to work through something instead of realizing that we judge them for whatever traumas they may have. I think that is the greatest potential for growth in terms of a relationship dynamic, because ultimately, a healthy relationship in business, personally, romantically, I think, is when two complete beings and I use complete in my own biased word, but two complete beings are able to grow and commune with each other, not being codependent. It's like when you said a business relationship. If you've established the boundaries of someone, then they should be aware of the completeness of their character role in the business, and there should be no issues unless someone starts to dissolve the lines and take something that's logical, business, personal and emotional. So I think that idea of if you can really define yourself as an individual, then you'll know when your energy exchange is being compromised or imbalanced, and you can effectively communicate back and forth with you and that other person, and it allows for a beneficial long term dynamic. I mean, what do you guys think about that? 00:18:47 - Michael Well, we've gone on a long stretch. I wanted to make a point. 00:18:50 - Roland I did want to go. 00:18:52 - Michael But I wanted to say something about what you said earlier is your first point, which is about assumptions. Something that's like helped me is a concept from NLP, which is the map is not the territory. In other words, when you look at a map, it's a representation of what the territory looks like, but it's not the actual territory. Right? So everything that happens in three dimensional space, we have a representation in our minds that we've created for ourselves. So what I think about to not make assumptions about another person thinking the way that I do is like, what's the probability that this individual has constructed the three dimensional reality in the very same way that I did in my brain? Chances are none, right? Even if we can speak about it and we can have a conversation about a concept, that doesn't mean we understand them the same. So I know for sure that whatever it is, they didn't reconstruct in the very same way because they don't have the experiences that I have and not the personality that I have. And so that allows me to then question and say, I'm assuming that they are thinking like me, but the chances of that are slim to none. Let's actually have a conversation so I can really understand, you know, how they represent this in their minds. So I just wanted to make that point because it was like valuable to me. And it helps me not make assumptions about the way that people react as we look at behavior, and then we assume that they're doing it for the reasons we would. And right. That's when that's off. It's off. And it doesn't work well, especially in relationships. 00:20:21 - Roland So not projecting yourself everywhere else outside of that. 00:20:25 - Michael We all live in our own little world. So we define things a little different. So if I say one word, it may mean something slightly different to another person. So setting expectations of what exactly is occurring with more context. Yeah, yeah. And projection is perception. It's literally how we kind of figure out the world around us. If there's someone that you haven't met and I tell you a story about them, you start to project those characteristics and qualities of that person, and now you're filtering that person through that lens, and you're not really seeing them for who they are until you spend enough time with them and you're like, no, this is not checking out. So that's just how our minds work. They project to perceive things. And so just like being cognizant of that and not letting it like hijack the way that you operate, I think is also being mindful of that. 00:21:13 - Roland Brilliant. I love that. I think that was a very intellectually high level but well thought out way of looking at it. 00:21:19 - Michael Yeah, we're on the way here. You're like, oh, like you're a Libra, right? And I was like, yeah, I'm very diplomatic. And so... 00:21:25 - Roland The epitome of diplomacy. 00:21:26 - Michael Yeah. So I always just like, how is this person like when someone does something it's like, okay, like if I were to do that, it would be like out of malice. But I don't think this person is doing it out of malice. And then I get into it and I hear the story and I'm like, that makes sense. So I'm always trying to put myself in their shoes and see it from their world. It could still be wrong or not the way to do it, but at least like I understand. So now I'm having an empathetic conversation with them as opposed to like just telling them to change their behavior, which is not a long term strategy. Right? They might in that moment do it, but they'll circle back to their rationalization. Unless you have a conversation about the story that they have in their minds. So I just yeah, I think a lot about perception and how people perceive things. So it's a little overwhelming sometimes. Right. But you know. 00:22:13 - Roland Love it. So it's all about. Yeah. 00:22:15 - Michael Yeah. Everyone's at their own place in life. You never know what they've been through or what education they've gone through or experiences. You know, someone could have literally been pulled out of the forest somewhere in Louisiana and has a limited scope of dealing with people. Yeah. My favorite story is Stephen Covey, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Where there's this man on the train with two kids, and his two kids are going bonkers. They're just like, running up and down and screaming and this and that. And there's this guy there. He's just like, can't believe it. He's just like, man, it's like, can't get a handle on his children. And he's getting frustrated. And at some point he blows up. He's like, hey man. Like, could you like grab your kids? This is like insane. They're all over the place. And the man says, oh, I'm sorry. Like, their mom just died. They just don't know how to handle it. And it's like, oh. 00:22:59 - Roland Perspective is everything. Yeah. 00:23:01 - Michael You just never know what people are going through. So. All right, well, I think that's a great place to wrap. Ladies and gentlemen, if you have some insight into value of energy exchange, your own stories. Please let us know in the comments. I'm sure everyone would love to read about your own experiences of positives and negatives, situations you've found with creating a proper energy exchange. We'll see you next time. If you want to like, subscribe, comment all the good things, share with your friends. And that'll be a wrap.