Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Happy Hour #66: Gotta Bad Feeling About This

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Happy Hour #66: Gotta Bad Feeling About This · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to stuff
0:07
Speaker 1: I never told you protection of I High Radio, and
0:18
Speaker 1: it is time for another happy hour. Do you know
0:21
Speaker 1: what number happy hour this is, Samantha, I do, not
0:25
Speaker 1: sixty six. No, that's why we're talking about some Star
0:30
Speaker 1: Wars stuff today. Of course. I mean not that I
0:34
Speaker 1: need a reason. It is. We're going to touch on
0:36
Speaker 1: like bigger topics. I promise, I promise this time. But
0:40
Speaker 1: this is the impetus was because of Order sixty six
0:42
Speaker 1: from Star Wars, and I was like, well, now I
0:44
Speaker 1: have to talk about something related to that bagel. Yes,
0:47
Speaker 1: as always, if you're drinking, please do so responsibly. What
0:51
Speaker 1: are you sepping on, Samantha. Um, So I am a
0:54
Speaker 1: little bit under the weather. So with that being said,
0:57
Speaker 1: I was trying to make some tea but my kettle
0:59
Speaker 1: was not going fast enough, so I am drinking bubble water.
1:04
Speaker 1: Bubble water is nice, bubble I was trying to look
1:07
Speaker 1: into some some new flavors just a couple of days ago,
1:10
Speaker 1: so you can do a lot of experimentation with it,
1:14
Speaker 1: for sure. Yeah, yeah, I love I love the bubbly flavors. Bubbly, bubbly, bubbly,
1:21
Speaker 1: bubbly again not sponsored, even though I was struggling with
1:24
Speaker 1: the name. Obviously flavor my favorite has become Pineapple is
1:28
Speaker 1: the top, strawberries right underneath that, and then BlackBerry is
1:35
Speaker 1: beloved that. But like then I have I've tried several others,
1:37
Speaker 1: but there's a few I haven't tried, which I probably
1:40
Speaker 1: should I haven't tried. I think there's a mango one
1:43
Speaker 1: I don't remember. I probably need to look into that.
1:45
Speaker 1: But outside of that, Yeah, I am now drinking pineapple
1:51
Speaker 1: bubbly water that sounds like refreshing. It'll help you out,
1:57
Speaker 1: Like I'm hoping that this is gonna be enough to like,
2:00
Speaker 1: you know, you know you're supposed to get a lot
2:01
Speaker 1: of water in liquids, so yes, yes, well, I definitely
2:07
Speaker 1: hope you feel better because it's been a long time, Lingers.
2:14
Speaker 1: I am drinking my box shed wine steel because I
2:17
Speaker 1: have yet to really go and buy stuff. I did
2:20
Speaker 1: visit my mom for Easter and she sent me home
2:26
Speaker 1: with so much food. Yeah, it was very sweet, but
2:30
Speaker 1: I was like wait because she just kind of showed
2:34
Speaker 1: up and she had these two huge bags. I'm a
2:38
Speaker 1: single person, and a lot of this is like fresh
2:40
Speaker 1: food gott eat it. So because of that, I haven't
2:46
Speaker 1: been to the store in a in a hot minute
2:48
Speaker 1: because I'm just like, well, now I have all this
2:50
Speaker 1: food and there's no need to go there, but yes,
2:55
Speaker 1: sticking to my box red wine. Okay, So for this
2:59
Speaker 1: at Soode, I'm not it's not an unhappy hour, although
3:02
Speaker 1: I'm afraid to knowing us it could verge into that territory. Okay,
3:10
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Like, I think we might
3:11
Speaker 1: get to talking and it might become some something of
3:14
Speaker 1: an unhappy hour. I will say, like content morning. I
3:18
Speaker 1: don't think we're going to get too in depth with it,
3:20
Speaker 1: but we are going to be talking about kind of
3:22
Speaker 1: feeling like you have to monitor other people's mental states.
3:25
Speaker 1: Are like you're responsible for their mental states. Um, And
3:31
Speaker 1: I know that can be triggering for people. So just
3:35
Speaker 1: to put that out there, and I think we are
3:37
Speaker 1: probably going to talk about grape culture briefly, so put
3:42
Speaker 1: that out there, I guess I should say. I mean,
3:45
Speaker 1: we are starting with an unhappy Star Wars tie in which,
3:48
Speaker 1: of course I had to have one. Order sixty six,
3:50
Speaker 1: of course, is the order that Emperor Palpty issue that
3:55
Speaker 1: resulted in the death of most of the Jedi, and
3:58
Speaker 1: it is very heartbreaking scene. And it's especially like if
4:01
Speaker 1: you've watched the Clone Wars show and sort of seeing
4:05
Speaker 1: the effects and how it how it all played out,
4:07
Speaker 1: it's really heartbreaking. But the reason, like, of course I
4:10
Speaker 1: had to do it because it's the sixty six happy Hour,
4:12
Speaker 1: but the reason that relates to mental states um an intuition,
4:16
Speaker 1: which is something we're going to talk about too. It's
4:18
Speaker 1: a lot of people when they find out you're like
4:20
Speaker 1: a lot of my favorite characters are jed I and
4:23
Speaker 1: they want to like really annoy me. They'll say, well,
4:26
Speaker 1: if they were so good, they should have since Sworders
4:28
Speaker 1: sixty six, like it's on, damn, it's too stupid to
4:31
Speaker 1: survive or whatever. There's a whole host of reasons that's wrong.
4:36
Speaker 1: I'm not going to go into them because as I said,
4:38
Speaker 1: I am only mentioning Star Wars today. But but kind
4:44
Speaker 1: of this whole idea that I think has been weaponized
4:47
Speaker 1: against women of intuition um because you know, we hear
4:51
Speaker 1: about women's intuition they're more intuitive, which I think this
4:56
Speaker 1: relates to the episode, the discussion we had around suspicion
4:59
Speaker 1: and women. Whereas my opinion is a lot of that
5:05
Speaker 1: I think is just women existing in the world and
5:07
Speaker 1: having to figure out how to exist in the world
5:09
Speaker 1: and how to pick up on these dangers that are
5:11
Speaker 1: in their life, and that maybe that can look like intuition.
5:28
Speaker 1: Would you describe yourself as an intuitive person? Has that
5:31
Speaker 1: been something people have called you? Yeah? Typically, Um, I
5:35
Speaker 1: think it's kind of the trade of if I did
5:38
Speaker 1: have reactive attachment disorder at one point in time, and
5:41
Speaker 1: kind of that mentality is you watch people and therefore
5:43
Speaker 1: you gather and get senses of people. And typically I'm
5:47
Speaker 1: typically on one experience recently is currently in my personal
5:51
Speaker 1: life with like buying a house, it was pretty on. Um. Surprisingly,
5:57
Speaker 1: my intuition is very like if I remain holm and
6:00
Speaker 1: if I'm not over one emotion or the other, that
6:04
Speaker 1: tells me something about whatever that situation is. But yeah,
6:10
Speaker 1: I have been Yeah, typically I'll get a lot like
6:13
Speaker 1: That's why I was a good investigator for UH defacts,
6:17
Speaker 1: because I was able to follow and know what was
6:19
Speaker 1: happening and see the deeper and I would have bosses
6:22
Speaker 1: bring me aside and be like, Okay, you were right,
6:24
Speaker 1: how did you know? So I definitely would say yeah, yeah,
6:28
Speaker 1: And I think that's that makes sense, especially for people
6:34
Speaker 1: who have gone through trauma, is that you do. It's
6:36
Speaker 1: sort of necessary, like you have to be hyper aware
6:40
Speaker 1: and pick up these signs. And it reminds me of
6:43
Speaker 1: the episode I did forever ago before I had You
6:47
Speaker 1: Samantha with Lauren, where we were talking about like, why
6:50
Speaker 1: didn't you believe her? In that whole trope in horror
6:51
Speaker 1: movies where women are like, hey, I think we should
6:54
Speaker 1: go right, the men are like, le's go fine, and
6:59
Speaker 1: the eyes and to me that makes sense. But as
7:06
Speaker 1: with so many things that we gender and assigned to women,
7:10
Speaker 1: I feel like it's been turned and used and weaponized
7:13
Speaker 1: against us, where like if we're wrong or not even
7:16
Speaker 1: if we're wrong, because uh, sometimes you're in a situation
7:20
Speaker 1: and you're you feel like you have to be polite
7:22
Speaker 1: or you don't want to be rude, even though like
7:24
Speaker 1: something inside was screaming like this is a bad situation.
7:28
Speaker 1: Um that if we didn't act on our presumed intuition
7:32
Speaker 1: that all women must have, that's on you. That's your
7:37
Speaker 1: fault you have. You should have had your intuition. I
7:40
Speaker 1: don't know why you didn't get out of that situation, right,
7:43
Speaker 1: or if you do follow through and nothing happens, you're
7:46
Speaker 1: being parrified exactly. You cannot win. And that just really
7:52
Speaker 1: infuriates me. It's it's like it's one of those things
7:55
Speaker 1: where it gets praised. It's like, oh, women and they're
7:58
Speaker 1: great intuition, which is not scientifically backed up. Um. It's
8:04
Speaker 1: not like a gender thing that's been backed up, but
8:06
Speaker 1: that is our societal conversation around it. I do think
8:09
Speaker 1: that because of the way our culture is that women
8:12
Speaker 1: are picking up on more signs. But that's not like
8:15
Speaker 1: a scientific, like known thing, right, right, So we praise it,
8:23
Speaker 1: but it's almost like we're expecting women to have this
8:26
Speaker 1: like supernatural sense of uh danger this way or right.
8:35
Speaker 1: I promised I wouldn't make it into more Star Wars stuff,
8:37
Speaker 1: but like the whole government plot is that to kill you? Well?
8:41
Speaker 1: I mean also, we did talk about it when we
8:43
Speaker 1: talk about our women more superstitious, and we talked about
8:46
Speaker 1: intuition and magical thinking and all of these ideas. Um.
8:50
Speaker 1: And it is placed on women, but it is also
8:53
Speaker 1: either infantilized on women, so you're being a child, you're
8:57
Speaker 1: living in a dream world, or you are paranoid or
9:03
Speaker 1: you just believe in magic or any of those levels
9:06
Speaker 1: instead of being seen a seriously and in actuality. It's
9:09
Speaker 1: not necessarily intuition is not necessarily uh a magical feeling.
9:14
Speaker 1: I talk about feelings. But you read signs and you
9:16
Speaker 1: find contentment, and you find ways that either you resolve
9:19
Speaker 1: yourself to that point and or understand that there's something
9:22
Speaker 1: bigger here and so you need to make a decision
9:25
Speaker 1: and it may be a life impacting decision. And for women,
9:29
Speaker 1: they are more likely to be in danger if they
9:31
Speaker 1: don't look at that and it's more thought out and
9:35
Speaker 1: fleshed out, then people assume. Yeah. That's another thing that
9:39
Speaker 1: really bothers me, is that that whole idea. We're so
9:41
Speaker 1: ready to be like, oh, you're being emotional, right, so yeah,
9:47
Speaker 1: if you're like feeling this thing and have it just dismissed.
9:50
Speaker 1: But then on the flip side, oh, you didn't act
9:55
Speaker 1: on it, that's you. That's on you. It's always your
9:58
Speaker 1: fault as the woman in this situation, no matter what
10:02
Speaker 1: it is, some yeah, like emotional thing that is good
10:09
Speaker 1: if only if it doesn't impact like anyone else, and
10:13
Speaker 1: if you're the only woman in the situation and you're
10:16
Speaker 1: putting danger. It's on your that's your fault. You should
10:21
Speaker 1: get there. What did you do? What did you say? Yeah,
10:24
Speaker 1: I think it's interesting, but yeah, intuition is also I
10:28
Speaker 1: guess in some cultures actually respected and uh and and
10:35
Speaker 1: revered at one point in time, and I know generations
10:39
Speaker 1: of the matriarch and believing that was a thing, and
10:43
Speaker 1: I'm said that we don't have that as much, because yeah,
10:46
Speaker 1: there's a lot of wisdom from the matriarch that we
10:51
Speaker 1: should understand if we truly allow for all openness and
10:56
Speaker 1: all understanding instead of just the patriarchal idea that's placed
11:00
Speaker 1: on what a matrioc should be. Right. Yeah, Yeah, I
11:05
Speaker 1: feel like this is just another instance of really dismissing
11:09
Speaker 1: anything that's associated with women and yet calling it silly
11:15
Speaker 1: until they like to blame you about it and you
11:18
Speaker 1: weren't adult enough exactly, And so part of this, as
11:22
Speaker 1: I mentioned, something else I was thinking about is this
11:25
Speaker 1: idea of feeling responsible for the mental health of others
11:29
Speaker 1: at the detriment detriment to yourself, especially for women and
11:31
Speaker 1: marginalized folks. And one of the reasons I was thinking
11:33
Speaker 1: about that is because I feel like in a lot
11:35
Speaker 1: of these situations, UM, in my experience at least, where
11:42
Speaker 1: maybe you do have that kind of like blaring I'm
11:44
Speaker 1: not safe or something's telling me something wrong here, you
11:48
Speaker 1: feel like a responsibility to the other person in this
11:52
Speaker 1: scenario to keep like for their mental health, and you're
11:58
Speaker 1: worried about them, and so you kind of do ignore
12:03
Speaker 1: maybe these feelings you're having in this intuitive feeling you're
12:06
Speaker 1: having for the safety of another person or for the
12:09
Speaker 1: mental health of another person. And I think a lot
12:12
Speaker 1: of women do that because we've been kind of socialized
12:16
Speaker 1: to be that way, to be by yourself m hm
12:20
Speaker 1: at all costs. And then you know, there's also that
12:37
Speaker 1: level of taking on if you did see signs. So
12:41
Speaker 1: people who have lost, people who have died by suicide
12:45
Speaker 1: take on a lot of blame for themselves for say
12:49
Speaker 1: the aftermath going back into oh, this is what this was.
12:52
Speaker 1: And I think it's a really heavily upon a lot
12:54
Speaker 1: of women, those who identify as females and those even
12:58
Speaker 1: in the marginalized communities, because they were like, I've had
13:00
Speaker 1: those feelings, I've had this moment, I should have seen
13:02
Speaker 1: it for them, um, and that that that's another added
13:06
Speaker 1: layer of like feeling guilty because you didn't take it
13:08
Speaker 1: on yourself and not realizing you know, you can't control
13:12
Speaker 1: another person's actions no matter what, no matter how similar
13:16
Speaker 1: your situations, maybe no matter how close you were, there's
13:19
Speaker 1: nothing truly that you can do to change that situation
13:25
Speaker 1: like you may think there is. And there's a whole
13:27
Speaker 1: kind of level of like reaching out and calling and yes,
13:30
Speaker 1: doing what you can, but there are sometimes where you
13:32
Speaker 1: just like it's it's hurting both or all all the above,
13:37
Speaker 1: and sometimes you miss things and you can't take it
13:39
Speaker 1: on themselves. And I hate that culture of yeah, reach
13:43
Speaker 1: out because you never know who you're gonna save. Su
13:45
Speaker 1: paces a lot of a responsibility onto other people that
13:49
Speaker 1: shouldn't necessarily be uh they are to be a lot
13:52
Speaker 1: of guilt on people. And then also see as if
13:56
Speaker 1: like gives the people also save your complex that you
13:59
Speaker 1: didduce you know, like it really had that control. There's
14:02
Speaker 1: so many layers to that that I've been thinking through,
14:05
Speaker 1: like what is this because there there is Like, as
14:07
Speaker 1: a person who has worked in social work and advocacy,
14:11
Speaker 1: I've had a lot of guilt over deaths, in children's
14:15
Speaker 1: deaths and parents loss and other victims coming through because
14:19
Speaker 1: I didn't do enough. There's so many things that came
14:23
Speaker 1: and that level of guilt almost like I my panic
14:27
Speaker 1: attacks repped up, uh, and my health went down, my
14:30
Speaker 1: sleep went down. There's so much to that that was
14:33
Speaker 1: so wearing. But with of course it's a little different
14:36
Speaker 1: because it was my profession. Yeah, but it's so wearing,
14:40
Speaker 1: and it is it's so dangerous to have those conversations
14:44
Speaker 1: that has this you must be a savior, which is
14:47
Speaker 1: a selfish thing in itself, but also saying it's your
14:50
Speaker 1: fault if you didn't save them, right. Yeah, And that's
14:56
Speaker 1: why I kind of paired these two together there of
15:00
Speaker 1: like intuition and this idea of responsibility for other people's
15:04
Speaker 1: mental health because they think they're kind of they're related
15:07
Speaker 1: in terms of women are supposed to have higher emotional intelligence,
15:17
Speaker 1: um be better with emotions, which again there are societal
15:21
Speaker 1: reasons why that might largely be true, but it's not
15:23
Speaker 1: scientifically true. It's not it's just sort of a thing
15:27
Speaker 1: that we've assigned. And I do think they are social
15:30
Speaker 1: conditioning things that make that like perhaps generally true, but
15:33
Speaker 1: it's not like a thing. Right, So you as women,
15:37
Speaker 1: we have this, we're presumed to have this higher emotional intelligence,
15:41
Speaker 1: and I think that a lot of burden is getting
15:44
Speaker 1: placed on us in these situations. Were work expected to
15:47
Speaker 1: know how to handle someone else's mental health and we're
15:51
Speaker 1: expected to do it, and if you don't, then you failed.
15:57
Speaker 1: It's not it's it's on you that you didn't do
16:01
Speaker 1: the work or you didn't fix this and very heavy
16:05
Speaker 1: quotes because you didn't see it, or you didn't do
16:09
Speaker 1: this emotional labor that we also assigned to women to
16:12
Speaker 1: deal with it. And I think it's just it is
16:16
Speaker 1: a very toxic and exhausting and damaging, uh situation that
16:21
Speaker 1: a lot of people are in. So the whole there's
16:23
Speaker 1: a whole joke about being impassed right now, like everybody's
16:27
Speaker 1: an impact all of a sudden, and I'm like, I
16:29
Speaker 1: don't and people are joking, I don't think you know
16:31
Speaker 1: what that means necessarily and kind of like just flippantly
16:35
Speaker 1: saying what that is and not realizing, Hey, this is
16:39
Speaker 1: the thing. This really is a thing. But now that
16:41
Speaker 1: we've used this and turned it into a joke, it's
16:44
Speaker 1: no longer recognizable or seen as what it is, and
16:47
Speaker 1: it can be harmful for those who really have that
16:49
Speaker 1: heavy empathy that really can cause them emotional damage. There's
16:54
Speaker 1: also that level of those like caretakers who take on
16:57
Speaker 1: themselves to be the saviors, and we need to be
16:59
Speaker 1: careful of recognizing that as well. But like that's that's
17:02
Speaker 1: again another whole conversation of like, hey, people really don't
17:06
Speaker 1: want that. They don't need necessarily a savior. They need someone,
17:09
Speaker 1: a companion, a friend or whatever. I guidance And yes,
17:13
Speaker 1: definitely we when you talk about the professional level and like, okay,
17:16
Speaker 1: all of these things and separating it. But this whole
17:19
Speaker 1: level of savior complex has kind of just has glossed
17:22
Speaker 1: over all of that, and uh, it seems nice and cute,
17:26
Speaker 1: but at the same time, it's again performative, and we
17:28
Speaker 1: have to be careful on that too. Yeah, and I'm
17:31
Speaker 1: glad you bought that up. I'm glad you about both
17:33
Speaker 1: those things up, because I do think we talked about
17:34
Speaker 1: this like during the pandemic um. I don't think any
17:38
Speaker 1: of my friends would be upset to here, but almost
17:41
Speaker 1: none of my friends are doing well. I would say
17:44
Speaker 1: I'm not doing well either, so I'm putting myself in
17:48
Speaker 1: and I do take it off because I'm stressed. I
17:50
Speaker 1: love my friends and I want them to stresses me
17:53
Speaker 1: that they're not doing well right, and we've talked about that,
17:56
Speaker 1: and I so I I do think that's a part
17:58
Speaker 1: of this, and I want to on here, like I'm
18:00
Speaker 1: talking about a couple of very specific family situations in
18:05
Speaker 1: my case and one friend situation. But just in case
18:09
Speaker 1: you're listening to this, I think people can relate, but
18:12
Speaker 1: I am talking about something fairly specific in my case.
18:17
Speaker 1: But I don't want to dismiss Again, I like, I
18:19
Speaker 1: believe that there are reasons we have these kind of
18:24
Speaker 1: feelings and intuition, and I believe that has been weaponized,
18:26
Speaker 1: and I believe that for a lot of us, we
18:29
Speaker 1: feel a very intense pressure to take on the responsibility
18:34
Speaker 1: of other people's mental health and even like not even
18:37
Speaker 1: mental health. Sometimes I could I could even say like happiness, um,
18:42
Speaker 1: and I think that that is exhausting and that's unhealthy
18:47
Speaker 1: for a lot of reasons. So it's just something I've
18:51
Speaker 1: been thinking about. Yeah, this is definitely something that has
18:57
Speaker 1: come up for me a lot in therapy where because
19:00
Speaker 1: of certain events in my past, I just struggle so
19:04
Speaker 1: hard with like upsetting people, and it's kind of a
19:07
Speaker 1: trigger for me, like I'm nervous that I'm gonna broke
19:12
Speaker 1: something or or not do something the right way when
19:15
Speaker 1: it comes to someone who's struggling with mental health or
19:18
Speaker 1: or just struggling in general. So it's definitely a thing
19:21
Speaker 1: for me that I have to work on. All of
19:26
Speaker 1: this from a Star Wars point, I wanted to make
19:29
Speaker 1: uh well, so excited. Cheers, cheers. Yes, I hope you
19:35
Speaker 1: feel better soon, Sanantha. You know me too. I'm not
19:38
Speaker 1: really awful, it's just definitely a little under the weather.
19:41
Speaker 1: M could be rather related, as we've discus. Yes, maybe.
19:49
Speaker 1: As always, listeners, thank you so much for joining us
19:51
Speaker 1: for these happy hours. If you'd like to email, as
19:53
Speaker 1: you can our emails steffani a Mom Stuff That I
19:55
Speaker 1: Hurt Me dot com. You can find us on Instagram
19:57
Speaker 1: at Stuff I've Never Told You or on Twitter at
19:59
Speaker 1: mom Stuff pod Cast. Thanks as always to our super
20:01
Speaker 1: producer Christina. Thank you, Christina, Yes, and thanks to you
20:05
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