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Transcript

S5 Ep21: My Hometown Still Haunts Me 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: So here's what I think about Israel and Palestine.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: No, kidding.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Kidding.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't know.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: I know it looks like I would know.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, it's good to be here.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Good to be back in New York.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I've been traveling a lot, yeah, I've been going home a bunch, and uh it's fine, you know?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's home.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's what home should feel like, right?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Just old you.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you grew up correctly, home should be like a region of the country that reminds you of the shittiest version of yourself.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's what home should be.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you drive by your high school and you're like, oh, die, okay?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: We do not need you anymore.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I was driving in my hometown, and my friend was like, no, that's the parking lot that I learned how to drive in.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, that's crazy, because that's the parking lot that I hooked up with my high school crush in, couldn't get hard, and then said, I love you.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's how home should feel, okay?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Just a museum of your shame.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Who the fuck likes who they used to be?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Ew.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: I've been going home a lot because my parents.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because I love my parents.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to be a good son, and it's tough, you know?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: I want my parents to be an active part of my life in a lot of things, and it's just hard, you know?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: I feel bad for them.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because I come home with a lot of like Gen Z heady bullshit.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just like, I don't know if I feel purpose.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: And they're like, what?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: What are you?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard to be open with my parents about things because my parents, they have no idea what I'm going through, you know?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't mean like, it's not like they can't like grasp the severity of my problems.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, like, my problems are so metaphorical and not literal that they just they genuinely have no fucking idea what I'm talking about.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: They just have to round up to the next closest thing they think it could be.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: They try to be there for me.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, what's going on?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I don't know.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: I just sometimes I feel like I'm never like happy with like with like the moment, you know?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like my whole life, I'm just like worrying that something isn't gonna work out the way I want it to.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Or even if it does and I have the thing I've always wanted, then I just start thinking about how I tricked people to get that, or how I don't deserve it, or how it has to end soon.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because everything has to end.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just worried, I'm like living this life where I'm just finding things to get me through the day, and I just I don't want to live like that anymore.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like I just want to be.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to fucking be.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: And my dad is like, you are gay?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oh! No, it's a whole thing! My mom's like, are you hungry?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: We're confused.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of words you're throwing out there, we don't really know.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I feel that's why parents give uh shitty advice.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because your parents, they've been through the whole self-exploration, like, who am I thing?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: And they know it's just like endless digging.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: So that's why they just preach the essentials.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: They know that's what gets it through, you know?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's what your mom's trying to tell you in code.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: She's just like, yeah, life is hell.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Did you bring a jacket or not?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's enough with the who am I.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Just shut the fuck up and eat the trail mix I packed you.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's all that matters.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's mobs.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Dads think you're gay.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'm not gay.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Uh but I, you know, I have my moments.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean, fellas?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Where my boys at, you know?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's stupid.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing, like, I'm not gay, but I definitely watch dudes skateboard in the park for way too long.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: And that's that's gotta be something.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know where that falls on the spectrum, but it's not straight, okay?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: I I read this thing the other day that uh there's there's 80% more gay people now than there was in like 19.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: I skimmed the article.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Uh you don't really have to read anything anymore.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you guys knew that.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: You can kind of just skim and take whatever you want.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: But 80% more, that's a big boost in business.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's fucking that's Amazon numbers.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good stock, you know?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: But it's interesting because it becomes like a political talking point, you know?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like people use it to get their agenda across.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So like, this fucking country's going to shit.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: They're fucking putting it in the water.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's like clearly that's not what's happening.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Clearly, there's the same amount of gay people now as there ever was.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's just that for the first time in our country's history, people feel comfortable to come out and be who they want to be.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's an amazing thing to have gay people in your country.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like, like that's actual freedom.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like, freedom isn't like owning a gun.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Freedom is blowing a dude.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's fucking free.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: To blow a guy and then tell your grandma about it at dinner?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's insane.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's way cooler than that shit, okay?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's a strength of a country to have gay people in it.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: It always has been.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's also, it's what our enemies hate the most about us.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's true.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's why I could never understand the issue people had with allowing gay and transgender people in the military.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's like, who better to fight ISIS than the LGBTQ community?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what that would do to their morale?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if a transgender woman killed Osama bin Laden, they would never recover from that.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's who you should send.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Don't send the young straight America bro to fight the Taliban.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: They have the same political views.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like I wanna see fucking Caitlin Jenner with a Glock to do the head sideways.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how powerful that would be if the last words the enemy heard were, it's they them, motherfucker.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's that's how you win the war, okay?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: That would be America's Allahu Akbar.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we could yell to instill fear in their hearts.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: You wouldn't need tanks or anything.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Just poke your head in a cave and be like, hey girl, and pfft, they're done.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: They couldn't handle it.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: That joke's fun because it upsets everyone at some point.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: That one.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: I can see all of you cross and uncross your arms multiple times during that bit.
• 6:59
  unknown: I don't know.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: I like the way things are headed.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: I like the issues we have and the problems we have.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's good.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: You see the opposition against it, it's always conservatives being like, oh fucking, you think fucking other countries are arguing about gender and pronouns?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, of course not.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because it sucks over there.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: We're doing good, you know?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like a country is only as good as its problems are silly.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's it's the strength of us.
• 7:24
  unknown: It's true.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: You ever see, you ever see like the world news next to like our news?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's just fucking footage of like the war in Ukraine, and then we're just like, and our top story tonight is the purple Eminem trying to fuck your wife, and it's just like, what?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: What are we talking about?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: We're fucking running victory laps around the world right now.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Other countries are like, water, and we're like, do my friends see me how I see me?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's good to have that.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: I like that we're doing all the gender stuff and redefining things.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: I saw this thing, it was this documentary, it was this conservative journalist, and he was going around to all these like pro-trans, like doctors and therapists, and he was trying to get a new definition for what a woman is.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And he'd go to one and he'd be like, What is a woman?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: And they'd be like, A woman is anyone who feels like a woman.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, I'm gonna fucking lose my mind.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then he'd go to another one, and he'd be like, What is a woman?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And they were like, A woman can have a penis now.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, fuck you.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: And he's just making each other so angry.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: And at one point he says this thing that's so funny where he just goes, he goes, if the boy that lives across the street from me can wake up one morning and say, I'm a woman, then what is a woman?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: And the whole time I was watching this, I was getting so frustrated because I was like, guys, isn't the answer obvious?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: A woman is anyone that a man is mean to.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: That is That is the most broad definition I can give you.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care what you're born with, what you got going on.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: If you wake up one morning and you go, I'm a woman, and somewhere a man a little louder goes, You're not a woman, you fucking dumb bitch.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: Then now you are.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: You just validated your experience.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_02: That might be true.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's tough.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's tough being a young person now in this country because you have to care about a lot of these things that are a lot of they're all out of your control, you know?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: There's all this weight on you, you gotta have all these well-formed opinions on these serious topics.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's not good.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And all that is, it's older generations not wanting to change shit, so they just they pass it off on you and then they frame it as hope, you know?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, It's fucking oh, the kids.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: The kids are gonna fix it.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, the kids are gonna f it's like you fucking fix it.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: I just got here.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Still trying to figure out how to go grocery shopping.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Now I gotta do it with paper bags.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: I hate it.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I see like Greta Thumberg.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: She's like getting arrested at protests.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: All my friends were like, she's such an inspiration.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, that's not good that it lands on her, you know?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's we've ruined her.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: She's 20.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: She's in college now.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: She's not gonna be a fun college kid.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: No one's gonna invite her to a party, like, oh fuck it, guys, Greta's here.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, no, no one's gonna.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: She's not gonna have a normal life.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like, who the fuck is gonna finger Greta Thumberg?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: You can't, you can't penetrate the voice of a generation.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's wrong.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's like shooting an eagle.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh, it like kills the hope, you know.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: But hey, you know, that's that's what I want for the world.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I want Greta to squirt.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that is that's optimism! That's that's how you know we solved everything.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's how you know we have world peace when she can relax enough to get there, you know?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's every time Greta squirts, a polar bear is born or something.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: All right, you guys are a lot of fun.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.