Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1119 - Two Top Tips for Schoolies

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#1119 - Two Top Tips for Schoolies · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: once answers now.
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  Speaker 1: School Is Week is a right of passage for many
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  Speaker 1: Australian teenagers and marks at the end of high school
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  Speaker 1: and the beginning of what we hope is going to
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  Speaker 1: be a wonderful, delightful, exciting, fabulous new chapter. But School
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  Speaker 1: Is Week for parents can also be a time of
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  Speaker 1: anxiety and uncertainty. Today I'm the Happy Families Podcast. Kylie
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  Speaker 1: and I are going to discuss two crucial things, the
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  Speaker 1: most important, two things that I think every parent needs
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  Speaker 1: to know to help the year twelve school leave and
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  Speaker 1: navigate School is Week safely and responsibly. We've had three
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  Speaker 1: kids go through high school finish year twelve and so
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  Speaker 1: far no kids have gone to schools, which I feel
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  Speaker 1: good about. I do too, but that's not what our
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  Speaker 1: tips are. I mean, if you can keep them away
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  Speaker 1: from it, I mean, you think about what's going on
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  Speaker 1: at school is do you really want them there? I'm
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  Speaker 1: just not convinced that it's great for kids. However, some
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  Speaker 1: of you, as parents, they're not going to have much
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  Speaker 1: say in it. Some of you probably really stoked for
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  Speaker 1: them and want them to go and have that right
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  Speaker 1: of passage. So if that's you, those two things that
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  Speaker 1: you absolutely need to know, and if you're a parent
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  Speaker 1: of a child who will one day be a year
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  Speaker 1: twelve school leader, Believa, Sorry, navigating schoolies, we want to
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  Speaker 1: make sure that you're prepared and you can start the
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  Speaker 1: conversations early.
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  Speaker 2: So number one, open and honest communication.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, when we talked about this, we both agree the
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  Speaker 1: most important thing you can do is have open conversations
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  Speaker 1: with your kids before schoolies and during schoolies.
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  Speaker 2: And I think that this was such an imperative part
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  Speaker 2: of the relationship that we have with our girls that
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  Speaker 2: ultimately led to them not making the decision to go.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, sorry, making the decision not to go because you
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  Speaker 1: said not making the decision to go, which I'm sorry
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  Speaker 1: pulled you away from that. I'm sorry. I thought it
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  Speaker 1: was really funny and you'd missed my gag. But here's
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  Speaker 1: the thing. The foundation of a safe and positive school
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  Speaker 1: is is going to start with kids being well informed.
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  Speaker 1: So if we're having good quality conversations starting well today,
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  Speaker 1: for those kids are about to go away, hopefully starting
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  Speaker 1: a few years ahead of time, but certainly starting today,
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  Speaker 1: they're going to be much safer and ideally, if you
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  Speaker 1: can have open, honest communication, they're going to chat with
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  Speaker 1: you about their plans, their expectations, their concerns, which gives
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  Speaker 1: you the opportunity to do that as well. It's basically
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  Speaker 1: an explore, explain in power kind of conversation, and that's
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  Speaker 1: what's going to lead to the best outcomes in my view.
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  Speaker 2: Honestly, this is such an imperative being able to discuss
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  Speaker 2: boundaries with your kids and help them to understand the
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  Speaker 2: expectations that you have within your family and value systems
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  Speaker 2: to ensure that they feel empowered to make decisions that
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  Speaker 2: they're going to feel good about. So not only today
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  Speaker 2: but tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: That's right, when they wake up tomorrow, they'll still feel
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  Speaker 1: good about the decisions they made yesterday. This idea of
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  Speaker 1: boundaries as well, increasingly now that they're I mean, if
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  Speaker 1: they're going to school, is they're either seventeen or eighteen,
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  Speaker 1: it's very very rare that you'd have a younger child
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  Speaker 1: there or a younger teenager there. When we talk about
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  Speaker 1: boundaries here, we can discuss what we hope will occur,
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  Speaker 1: but ultimately, no matter what we say, the boundaries are
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  Speaker 1: going to be their boundaries. We're going to be saying
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  Speaker 1: to them, hey, we need to talk about the kind
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  Speaker 1: of boundaries you're going to say for yourself and with
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  Speaker 1: your friends to keep you safe and to keep the
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  Speaker 1: people around you safe. That's the discussion. I might have
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  Speaker 1: all of these expectations that my child will or will
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  Speaker 1: not do certain things, and they're just going to roll
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  Speaker 1: the rice to go yeah whatever.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah that's right, or yes mum, yes dad, right.
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  Speaker 1: But if we can say, hey, my expectations around alcohol
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  Speaker 1: and drug use are at this point, but where are you, like,
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  Speaker 1: what are we going to do about consent? If you're
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  Speaker 1: in this sort of a situation, you see this happening,
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  Speaker 1: what do you see as the best way forward? These
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  Speaker 1: are the conversations where we can share but listen to
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  Speaker 1: their perspective and help them to to navigate these situations effectively.
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  Speaker 1: That's the main game here, because there are risks. There
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  Speaker 1: are absolutely risks, and our job as parents is to say, hey,
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  Speaker 1: can we just list the risks real quick. We are
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  Speaker 1: worried about excessive alcohol consumption because the news media is
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  Speaker 1: full of these stories. We are worried about drug use
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  Speaker 1: because we know that it is easily accessible through social
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  Speaker 1: media and pretty much on far too many street corners.
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  Speaker 1: We are very concerned about peer pressure and feeling like
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  Speaker 1: you need to be a certain kind of character to
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  Speaker 1: make this work. We are worried about non consensual or
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  Speaker 1: unsafe sexual activity. These things really really worrious. Are you
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  Speaker 1: also worried about these things? Yes?
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  Speaker 2: Or no?
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  Speaker 1: Why or why not? And then, like you said that
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  Speaker 1: empowerment thing, what would you do in this situation? Or
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  Speaker 1: how will you navigate this so that you and the
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  Speaker 1: people around you can be safe?
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  Speaker 2: This is a conversation about pre arming. Isn't it really right?
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  Speaker 2: But it's almost like role playing and going this is
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  Speaker 2: a scenario. How do you get yourself out of this? Well?
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  Speaker 1: I think you actually could. You could say, let's say
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  Speaker 1: you're on the beach with your friends and and then
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  Speaker 1: there's been a whole lot of alcohol consumed and a
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  Speaker 1: couple of your friends are struggling to walk. What are
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  Speaker 1: you going to do? Or let's say someone comes and
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  Speaker 1: starts pushing and shoving and getting in your face, how
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  Speaker 1: are you going to disarm them? Or how are you
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  Speaker 1: going to move away from this? How do you stay safe?
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  Speaker 2: Or one of your friends invites somebody that you don't
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  Speaker 2: know back to your apartment. Yeah yeah, yeah, to the
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  Speaker 2: night and you don't feel safe. What are you going
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  Speaker 2: to do?
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  Speaker 1: Or one of your buddies, Let's look at this from
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  Speaker 1: a gendered point of view. One of your buddies brings
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  Speaker 1: a girl back to the unit, and you can tell
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  Speaker 1: that she is incapacitated. She doesn't have the capacity to consent.
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  Speaker 1: How are you going to engage with your friend on
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  Speaker 1: this particular one. So these are the conversations around well
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  Speaker 1: being open and being honest and communicating about the potential
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  Speaker 1: risks of schoolies. That's our number one thing to be
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  Speaker 1: able to do. Have the conversations, ideally over a milkshake
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  Speaker 1: or a bowl of wedges or some food, because your
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  Speaker 1: kid's going to be much more likely to do it.
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  Speaker 1: So ideally, as you're reaching into your pocket and pulling
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  Speaker 1: out a one hundred bucks and saying I've got something
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  Speaker 1: for you for school, is this might be useful? And
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  Speaker 1: I mean, you're essentially giving them the money that you're
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  Speaker 1: going to give them anyway, but you're bribing them to
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  Speaker 1: listen to you and commitment at the same time.
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  Speaker 2: Well, this bows in really beautifully into tip number two.
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  Speaker 2: You can't talk about safety planning and support networks without
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  Speaker 2: having that open, honest communication with your kids. And when
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  Speaker 2: you think about the experiences that they may encounter during
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  Speaker 2: this time away without your supervision, this is an imperative
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  Speaker 2: conversation for your kids to know.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we can go through this one fairly quickly.
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  Speaker 1: Number one is about open and honest communication. Number to
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  Speaker 1: safety planning and support networks. Basically, you don't want your
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  Speaker 1: kids to be left isolated. You don't want them to
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  Speaker 1: be in a situation where they could get into trouble
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  Speaker 1: and there's no one there to help them. So let's
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  Speaker 1: go through this reasonably quickly. Here we've got to acknowledge
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  Speaker 1: that we cannot control their schooler's experience, but we also
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  Speaker 1: want to talk to them about how they can be
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  Speaker 1: safe and have a strong social network. I think the
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  Speaker 1: number one thing, and it's so cheesy, it's very much
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  Speaker 1: year one, year two, maybe even kindergarten, But who's your buddy? Like,
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  Speaker 1: can you just have one person there who is pretty
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  Speaker 1: much going to be your right hand man a woman.
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  Speaker 1: They're going to be by your side and you're going
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  Speaker 1: to look out for each other in other words, if
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  Speaker 1: one of you is going to indulge or over indulge,
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  Speaker 1: or do something that's a bit risky, the other one's
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  Speaker 1: going to promise not to so that they can look
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  Speaker 1: after you, and vice versa.
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  Speaker 2: The designated drive a kind of concept.
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  Speaker 1: Get a trusted group of friends look out for each other.
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  Speaker 1: The buddy system's huge. The second one that I would
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  Speaker 1: highlight here in terms of safety planning and support networks
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  Speaker 1: is to create a quick list with your kids. Here
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  Speaker 1: are the emergency contacts. You can call me at any hour,
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  Speaker 1: day or night. I'll have my phone on, I'll be
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  Speaker 1: expecting the call, and when it comes, I'll do whatever
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  Speaker 1: I need to do to help. But let's recognize you
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  Speaker 1: might not want to call me for any number of reasons.
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  Speaker 1: You can call me. I won't get you in trouble.
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  Speaker 1: I'll just be there to help you. But if there
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  Speaker 1: is something going on and you feel like you need
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  Speaker 1: to call someone else, here are some emergency contacts. Here
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  Speaker 1: are some other people that you can ring. Here are
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  Speaker 1: some local authorities. Here are the support services in the
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  Speaker 1: local area. Do a quick Google. You'll be able to
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  Speaker 1: find them really, really easily. You can even call the
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  Speaker 1: organizations that are running school is and ask for a list.
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  Speaker 1: I'm sure they'll be glad to give that list to you.
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  Speaker 1: And those organizations are available all over the internet. So
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  Speaker 1: for me, the buddy system and the emergency contacts are
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  Speaker 1: probably the two most important things. There are a couple
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  Speaker 1: of other things.
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  Speaker 2: Well, as I'm listening to, the one conversation I think
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  Speaker 2: that is imperative for us to have with our kids
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  Speaker 2: is the strong and safe conversation. This idea that the
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  Speaker 2: people we want to be around, the people we want
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  Speaker 2: to include in our close.
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  Speaker 1: Circles, and the person that we want to be.
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  Speaker 2: Is somebody who makes us feel safe and strong. If
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  Speaker 2: we don't feel those things, where do we go? How
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  Speaker 2: do we get out of that situation? And basically, if
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  Speaker 2: it was me and my child, I would say, if
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  Speaker 2: you do not feel safe or you don't feel strong
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  Speaker 2: in this situation, run run Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, fine, literally run find your people again. Let's talk
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  Speaker 1: about three other things that I've got on my list.
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  Speaker 1: Number one, discuss responsible alcoholics.
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  Speaker 2: You're cheating?
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  Speaker 1: What do you mean you said two things? Well, you
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  Speaker 1: said something that wasn't on my list, So I've got
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  Speaker 1: to got to do it. We've got to talk about
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  Speaker 1: alcohol and how to make sure that we can behave responsible.
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  Speaker 1: The first thing, teens need to know that if they're
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  Speaker 1: under the age of eighteen, it's illegal. They shouldn't be drinking. Now.
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  Speaker 1: I know that a lot of people are going to
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  Speaker 1: roll their eyes at this, but we've got pretty good
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  Speaker 1: evidence that it's important that kids delay their access to alcohol,
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  Speaker 1: their indulgence in alcohol for as long as possible. Discourage
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  Speaker 1: underage drinking as much as you possibly can. If your
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  Speaker 1: teen is going to choose to drink, you need to
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  Speaker 1: talk about a couple of things. Number one, pacing. Pacing, pacing,
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  Speaker 1: don't go all out. Number two hydration, and number three
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  Speaker 1: don't mean alcohol with other substances. Now, if you can
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  Speaker 1: just get those three things across your kids, if they
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  Speaker 1: can slow their alcohol whole consumption down, if they can
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  Speaker 1: have plenty of water to mix in with the alcohol,
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  Speaker 1: and if they can avoid alcohol and other substances, they're
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  Speaker 1: less likely to get into strife. Next one, ask them
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  Speaker 1: if they can just send you a text every day
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  Speaker 1: at a certain time.
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  Speaker 2: I like this one. I think it's really important. They're
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  Speaker 2: obviously at an age where they have their independence, but
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  Speaker 2: I think it's important for them to understand that somebody
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  Speaker 2: else is sitting at the other end of a phone
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  Speaker 2: praying that they're saying because that they're okay.
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  Speaker 1: You know that they are not thinking about you at
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  Speaker 1: all or their goal, and you just want to have
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  Speaker 1: that little bit of reassurance. This isn't about helicopter parenting.
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  Speaker 1: This is just about knowing my little boy or my
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  Speaker 1: little girl is okay. I mean, I know they're adults
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  Speaker 1: or very close to it now, but you just want
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  Speaker 1: to know because this is for the most part, kids
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  Speaker 1: have a great time, but there is significant risk and
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  Speaker 1: you just want to make sure that they're okay. The
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  Speaker 1: consent commiss huge. The consent conversation. I cannot emphasize enough.
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  Speaker 1: Here's how you can do consent in like fifteen seconds.
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  Speaker 1: There's a circle that shows what you want to do.
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  Speaker 1: There's a circle that shows what they want to do.
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  Speaker 1: And where those two circles overlap in that ven diagram,
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  Speaker 1: that's the stuff that you both want to do. That's
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  Speaker 1: where consent sits. Okay, if you're going to do something,
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  Speaker 1: they're going to do something, and either one of you
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  Speaker 1: is going to regredit tomorrow or next month forward next year,
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  Speaker 1: don't do it. There are too many stories in the
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  Speaker 1: newspapers about usually young men who push the boundaries. They
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  Speaker 1: are the accelerator and for whatever reason, usually because the
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  Speaker 1: girls incapacitated, they're not able to put the brakes on
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  Speaker 1: and they end up in court. I mean this stuff.
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  Speaker 1: You end up with criminal records with your name, with
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  Speaker 1: the words sexual predator next to your name. This is
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  Speaker 1: not something that you want you kulds mess with. It's
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  Speaker 1: just so vitally important they get this right. And I
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  Speaker 1: guess to wrap it up, help seeking, help seeking, just
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  Speaker 1: know that if something goes wrong, go to the red frogs,
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  Speaker 1: go to the police, go to someone who can help you.
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  Speaker 1: Don't be a fra a to ask for help. Don't
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  Speaker 1: sit on it and think it'll be okay. That niggle matters.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I'm sure every grade twelve parent is feeling completely
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  Speaker 2: equipped now it's ready for.
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  Speaker 1: They're gonna be safe, They're gonna be fine. I think
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  Speaker 1: they're good. Tips over and honess, communication and set up
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  Speaker 1: your safety and support networks. I just think I think
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  Speaker 1: that's really really valuable. Beyond these two crucial points. Thank
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  Speaker 1: you for that vote of confidence, Gottie. Remember that school
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  Speaker 1: is week is an opportunity for your team to celebrate
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  Speaker 1: that they've gotten through all these years of school and
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  Speaker 1: they can build their independence and they can hopefully create
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  Speaker 1: i mean genuinely lasting memories with their friends. Hopefully their
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  Speaker 1: alcohol consumption is minimized and they can really have a
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  Speaker 1: great time with their friends. We know heaps of kids
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  Speaker 1: or heaps of families whose kids have gone away on
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  Speaker 1: schoolies and they've been really responsible and they've created genuinely
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  Speaker 1: delightful memories. And that's that's the conversation that we're really
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  Speaker 1: shooting for. That's what we really want. If we can
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  Speaker 1: to this open communication, if we can empower responsible decision making,
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  Speaker 1: and if we can help the kids to have the
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  Speaker 1: support network they need so that they can be safe,
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  Speaker 1: I'm sure that their school's experience is going to be
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  Speaker 1: positive and wonderful and memorable. The Happy Family's podcast is
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Good Luck, Hold
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: your breath. I hope schools goes well tomorrow. A really
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  Speaker 1: great conversation. The line between overscheduling our kids and boredom.
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  Speaker 1: Is it a fine line or is it a yawning gap.
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  Speaker 1: We'll discuss that tomorrow on the pod. If you like
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: more information about how to make you family happy, please
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: visit us at happy families dot com dot a u