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Why Your Boundaries Keep Falling Apart (And the One Kind That Actually Holds) · Your Utmost Life

• 0:00
  Misty Celli: You've drawn this line before.
• 0:02
  Misty Celli: You told everyone Thursday mornings were yours, and for two whole weeks they were.
• 0:06
  Misty Celli: You had your coffee on the back porch, you worked on the thing that you've been putting off for a year, and you felt like yourself in a way you hadn't in a long time.
• 0:13
  Misty Celli: Then your mom needed to ride to her appointment.
• 0:16
  Misty Celli: The next week, your husband's meeting moved and somebody had to wait on the repairman.
• 0:20
  Misty Celli: By the third Thursday, you were back in the car at nine in the morning telling yourself it was just this once.
• 0:25
  Misty Celli: You never announced that line was gone.
• 0:27
  Misty Celli: You quietly stopped expecting anyone to respect it, including you.
• 0:31
  Misty Celli: Here's what nobody told you about that Thursday line.
• 0:34
  Misty Celli: It was never going to hold.
• 0:36
  Misty Celli: And it had nothing to do with how strong you are or how much your family loves you.
• 0:41
  Misty Celli: By the end of this episode, you'll understand why the boundaries you've tried before keep falling apart.
• 0:46
  Misty Celli: What makes the ones that hold so different?
• 0:49
  Misty Celli: And the one boundary you can set today that works without anybody's cooperation.
• 0:53
  Misty Celli: So stay with me because at the end, I'll show you exactly where to start.
• 0:57
  Misty Celli: Do you ever look around your own home, your own calendar, your own day, and realize there isn't much of you in it?
• 1:03
  Misty Celli: Or catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and barely recognize the woman looking back, the one who once dreamed big and had passion and purpose beyond meeting everyone else's needs?
• 1:11
  Misty Celli: You keep the meals planned, the bills paid, and the whole household moving, but somewhere along the way you left yourself off the list.
• 1:17
  Misty Celli: If you've ever had that quiet thought, is this really all there is?
• 1:20
  Misty Celli: And then immediately pushed it away because even thinking it felt selfish, you're in the right place.
• 1:25
  Misty Celli: You were never meant to disappear into your roles.
• 1:28
  Misty Celli: You are more than everyone's everything.
• 1:30
  Misty Celli: You are someone.
• 1:31
  Misty Celli: And somewhere inside, you already know that.
• 1:34
  Misty Celli: This is where you remember who you are, not who you've had to be for everyone else.
• 1:38
  Misty Celli: And you start designing a life that actually includes you on purpose, fully alive.
• 1:42
  Misty Celli: Welcome to the Your Utmost Life Podcast.
• 1:44
  Misty Celli: I'm Misty, an identity and self-leadership coach for women.
• 1:48
  Misty Celli: If you haven't hit follow or subscribe yet, do it now because you deserve a life that includes you starting today.
• 1:53
  Misty Celli: Now let's get into it.
• 1:55
  Misty Celli: If you've ever set a boundary and watched it slowly dissolve, know this.
• 1:59
  Misty Celli: There is nothing wrong with you for being tired of trying.
• 2:02
  Misty Celli: You can probably picture the last one.
• 2:05
  Misty Celli: Maybe it was your phone going face down after dinner, or a Saturday you said you weren't giving away, or the evening walk you swore was non-negotiable.
• 2:13
  Misty Celli: You remember how good it felt to say it out loud, and you remember the first time someone pushed on it.
• 2:19
  Misty Celli: That little tightening in your stomach when you heard the request and already knew you'd bent.
• 2:24
  Misty Celli: And then there's the part that stings the most.
• 2:26
  Misty Celli: That quiet voice that says, see, this is why you don't bother.
• 2:30
  Misty Celli: That heavy, tired feeling of having tried something that's supposed to work for everyone, but just doesn't work for you.
• 2:37
  Misty Celli: I know that voice.
• 2:38
  Misty Celli: Years ago, I decided one Saturday a month would be mine, all mine, a project of my own, a good book, a long bath, nothing else.
• 2:47
  Misty Celli: I was so proud of that plan.
• 2:49
  Misty Celli: And I think I got exactly one Saturday out of it.
• 2:52
  Misty Celli: The next month, the first Saturday, was already spoken for, and the plans we'd made weeks before pushed mine back again all the way to the last Saturday of the month.
• 3:00
  Misty Celli: When it finally came, nothing big happened.
• 3:03
  Misty Celli: I just let the week's leftovers spill into it.
• 3:06
  Misty Celli: By the third month, I looked at the calendar and saw it was already full, and it felt so hopeless that I didn't even bother writing my Saturday in.
• 3:12
  Misty Celli: So if you've got a Saturday like that somewhere in your past, or a Thursday or an evening walk, you can set the weight of it down for a minute.
• 3:20
  Misty Celli: You're not the only woman who's felt this and you are in the right place.
• 3:24
  Misty Celli: Maybe it was the morning you had it all planned and watched it go by nine.
• 3:27
  Misty Celli: Maybe it was the end of a day when you sat down and realized you'd moved everybody else's life forward and barely touched your own.
• 3:34
  Misty Celli: Maybe it was the moment you heard yourself say, sure, no problem, and felt the tightness in your throat as you said it.
• 3:40
  Misty Celli: Because you knew even as you said it that it wasn't fine.
• 3:43
  Misty Celli: No two days are ever quite the same.
• 3:45
  Misty Celli: The excuse changes, and so does the person who needs something.
• 3:49
  Misty Celli: But the end is always the same.
• 3:51
  Misty Celli: Here's what I think you've been telling yourself.
• 3:53
  Misty Celli: Boundaries don't work for me.
• 3:55
  Misty Celli: Other women can set them.
• 3:56
  Misty Celli: Women with different families or more backbone or people in their lives who listen better.
• 4:01
  Misty Celli: But every time you draw a line, someone walks right over it, and half the time you're the one holding the door open for them.
• 4:07
  Misty Celli: So you've started to wonder whether you're simply not the kind of woman who ever gets to have them.
• 4:11
  Misty Celli: Boundaries don't work for me because people walk right over them.
• 4:15
  Misty Celli: That's the belief that I want to look at today.
• 4:17
  Misty Celli: It makes sense that you'd believe it.
• 4:19
  Misty Celli: You've got the evidence, you've set them sincerely, and you've watched them fail.
• 4:23
  Misty Celli: And you did it honestly because you love these people.
• 4:26
  Misty Celli: When your mom needs you, you go.
• 4:28
  Misty Celli: When your husband's day falls apart, you help hold it all together.
• 4:31
  Misty Celli: You were never careless with your boundaries.
• 4:33
  Misty Celli: You were generous with your people.
• 4:35
  Misty Celli: But look at what this belief is costing you.
• 4:38
  Misty Celli: Today it costs you the hour, the morning, or the evening that you meant to keep, and you hand it over with a smile and a little resentment you'll carry around the rest of the day.
• 4:46
  Misty Celli: Underneath that, the cost is quieter.
• 4:48
  Misty Celli: Every boundary that fails teaches you to stop drawing them.
• 4:52
  Misty Celli: After enough of those, you stop trying.
• 4:54
  Misty Celli: And the woman who used to know what she needed goes quiet, one surrendered Thursday at a time.
• 5:00
  Misty Celli: Is this starting to sound familiar?
• 5:01
  Misty Celli: Ten years from now, if nothing changes, your kids will be living their own lives, your parents will need more from you than they do today, and you'll still be waiting for the people around you to start respecting a line that you stopped respecting yourself a long time ago.
• 5:15
  Misty Celli: Your boundaries didn't fail because you're weak.
• 5:18
  Misty Celli: They failed because of what they're built on.
• 5:20
  Misty Celli: Most boundaries we try are rules about other people's behaviors.
• 5:24
  Misty Celli: Don't call me before nine.
• 5:26
  Misty Celli: Don't ask me on Thursdays.
• 5:27
  Misty Celli: Don't expect me to host again.
• 5:29
  Misty Celli: Each of those depends on somebody else cooperating.
• 5:32
  Misty Celli: So the boundary holds only as long as everybody else agrees to it.
• 5:36
  Misty Celli: The minute that someone you love has real need, the rule is up for negotiation and you have to decide all over again whether to defend it.
• 5:44
  Misty Celli: An identity-based boundary starts somewhere else entirely.
• 5:48
  Misty Celli: It's a statement about who you are and what you protect.
• 5:51
  Misty Celli: A rule tells other people what they can't do.
• 5:54
  Misty Celli: This kind tells you what you do because it's about you.
• 5:58
  Misty Celli: It doesn't depend on anyone else agreeing.
• 6:00
  Misty Celli: People may push on it, and that's alright.
• 6:02
  Misty Celli: The boundary was never waiting on their permission in the first place.
• 6:06
  Misty Celli: You've given everyone so much of yourself for so long, but here's the deal.
• 6:10
  Misty Celli: A line that depends on everyone else's cooperation is the first thing you give away.
• 6:15
  Misty Celli: Let me tell you about a line I drew that actually held.
• 6:18
  Misty Celli: When I left my job to work on this business full time, I was so excited.
• 6:22
  Misty Celli: For the first time I could give it my full focus, and I'd worked out a schedule that fit beautifully.
• 6:28
  Misty Celli: The first few hours of the morning were just for me.
• 6:31
  Misty Celli: Then I went fully into the business for the rest of the day.
• 6:34
  Misty Celli: For the first few weeks, I was right on it.
• 6:36
  Misty Celli: And then little by little the day started to fill in.
• 6:38
  Misty Celli: Because I was my own boss, everyone assumed I was available.
• 6:42
  Misty Celli: Maybe it was an errand or a call that turned into an hour of chatting or something someone needed done that afternoon.
• 6:47
  Misty Celli: And if I'm being honest and fair, I did some of the pushing myself.
• 6:51
  Misty Celli: The laundry was right there, the kitchen could use a wipe down.
• 6:54
  Misty Celli: What should have been a full productive day of work turned into a few hours here and there, and I got a dozen other things done instead.
• 7:02
  Misty Celli: What I wanted was simple.
• 7:04
  Misty Celli: I wanted that schedule to be real, not just another someday item.
• 7:08
  Misty Celli: I wanted to be the owner this business needed and own my own mornings, but I didn't like what I was seeing.
• 7:14
  Misty Celli: Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months of falling behind.
• 7:18
  Misty Celli: I wasn't seeing the progress I knew was possible, and I wasn't showing up as the woman I wanted to be in my own work.
• 7:24
  Misty Celli: I made the schedule so I couldn't understand why it wouldn't hold.
• 7:28
  Misty Celli: I was about two months in.
• 7:29
  Misty Celli: It was a Tuesday morning, maybe around 8.15.
• 7:32
  Misty Celli: I walked into my office and sat at my desk like I did every other morning, coffee in hand, telling myself today would be different.
• 7:39
  Misty Celli: I looked up at my words on the wall, the ones I'd chosen to describe who I am, and something stopped me.
• 7:46
  Misty Celli: I'd been walking past them every day.
• 7:48
  Misty Celli: I'd been starting every morning in that room, but I hadn't been living from them.
• 7:53
  Misty Celli: I'd been negotiating around them with myself, with the day, with whoever needed something next.
• 8:00
  Misty Celli: The words were on the wall, and I was somewhere else entirely.
• 8:04
  Misty Celli: I sat there for a minute unmoving, and what came up wasn't anger.
• 8:08
  Misty Celli: It was something quieter.
• 8:09
  Misty Celli: It was the same feeling I'd had looking at that calendar when my Saturdays disappeared, that sick, slow recognition that I'd done it again, that I'd made something mine and then handed it away piece by piece without ever making a decision to.
• 8:25
  Misty Celli: And I thought, I would never sit across from another woman and tell her this is fine.
• 8:29
  Misty Celli: I would never look at her and say, just keep negotiating with yourself.
• 8:33
  Misty Celli: That's working out fine.
• 8:35
  Misty Celli: That was the moment I stopped trying to fix the schedule.
• 8:38
  Misty Celli: I needed to fix who was running in.
• 8:40
  Misty Celli: So I rebuilt it, but this time from who I am.
• 8:43
  Misty Celli: I rebuilt the schedule and let myself see that not everything needed to be done today.
• 8:48
  Misty Celli: Then I started using my words throughout the day.
• 8:50
  Misty Celli: So each time something tried to slip in, I knew who was deciding.
• 8:54
  Misty Celli: This time it sounded like this.
• 8:56
  Misty Celli: I am the owner of this business and I own my mornings, so they're mine, and the business gets my best hours.
• 9:03
  Misty Celli: I am a woman who keeps her word to herself.
• 9:06
  Misty Celli: I'd been so focused on doing that I'd lost sight of what actually sustained the woman I am.
• 9:11
  Misty Celli: That first evening I told my husband about my day.
• 9:14
  Misty Celli: Partway through, I noticed I had something of my own to tell him.
• 9:17
  Misty Celli: Not just what got done, but what it felt like to be the one deciding.
• 9:21
  Misty Celli: He looked at me differently that night, or maybe it was just I showed up differently.
• 9:26
  Misty Celli: Since that day, things have tried to push their way in.
• 9:29
  Misty Celli: They always do.
• 9:30
  Misty Celli: A service call that needed scheduling, a friend who just called to chat, and honestly, some mornings a version of me that just wanted to wander through the day instead of own it.
• 9:38
  Misty Celli: Each time the same thing happened.
• 9:40
  Misty Celli: I felt the pull, then heard something underneath it.
• 9:43
  Misty Celli: Not a rule I'd written on a calendar, but a question.
• 9:46
  Misty Celli: Who's deciding right now?
• 9:48
  Misty Celli: And the answer told me what to do.
• 9:50
  Misty Celli: The boundary didn't hold because nothing tried it.
• 9:52
  Misty Celli: It held because I knew who was holding it.
• 9:55
  Misty Celli: Today it looks very different.
• 9:57
  Misty Celli: My mornings are mine.
• 9:58
  Misty Celli: The household is still taken care of, the business is growing, and I've taken my day back.
• 10:03
  Misty Celli: And nobody in my life feels left out or unimportant because of it.
• 10:07
  Misty Celli: What I understood after that was this.
• 10:09
  Misty Celli: The first schedule fell apart because it was a rule.
• 10:12
  Misty Celli: And whoever needed something next renegotiated it, including me.
• 10:15
  Misty Celli: This one held because it finally belonged to me.
• 10:18
  Misty Celli: I wasn't waiting for anyone to agree with it anymore.
• 10:20
  Misty Celli: And the woman who knew what she wanted for her days hadn't gone anywhere during those months of falling behind.
• 10:26
  Misty Celli: She'd been there the whole time.
• 10:28
  Misty Celli: She'd just been asking permission and she never needed to.
• 10:31
  Misty Celli: People will still push on your boundary, and that doesn't mean it's failing.
• 10:35
  Misty Celli: Someone you love will have a need on the day that you protect it.
• 10:38
  Misty Celli: And sometimes the woman in your words will gladly choose to help.
• 10:42
  Misty Celli: The difference is that she's choosing.
• 10:43
  Misty Celli: A boundary built on who you are can bend on purpose without breaking, because it never depended on things going smoothly.
• 10:50
  Misty Celli: Protecting something that matters to you doesn't take anything away from the people you love.
• 10:54
  Misty Celli: You'll still be there for them.
• 10:56
  Misty Celli: You'll show up as yourself instead of whatever's left over at the end of the day, and that's a better version of you for everyone at the table.
• 11:03
  Misty Celli: If you've ever watched boundaries collapse before, that history doesn't prove anything about you.
• 11:08
  Misty Celli: Those were rule-based boundaries built at the behavior level.
• 11:12
  Misty Celli: And without who you are underneath, they had no ground to stand on.
• 11:16
  Misty Celli: This time you start with identity, and that's the peace that holds.
• 11:19
  Misty Celli: And if your family feels too complicated for any of this, with aging parents, a husband who's used to you handling everything, and growing kids who still call you first, I hear you.
• 11:30
  Misty Celli: The complexity is real, but it's your circumstances.
• 11:34
  Misty Celli: It isn't the deciding factor.
• 11:36
  Misty Celli: The deciding factor is whether you know who you are when you draw the line.
• 11:40
  Misty Celli: So why today?
• 11:42
  Misty Celli: Because you don't need a perfect week or anyone's agreement to set this kind of boundary.
• 11:47
  Misty Celli: You only need yourself, and you're already here.
• 11:50
  Misty Celli: You don't need to have your words figured out to begin.
• 11:53
  Misty Celli: You only need one step, and I'll give it to you at the end of this episode.
• 11:58
  Misty Celli: Picture a Tuesday morning before anything happens, before the phone buzzes, before someone needs something, before the day has made a single demand.
• 12:07
  Misty Celli: She already knows.
• 12:09
  Misty Celli: She can feel it.
• 12:10
  Misty Celli: Like when the storm rolls in.
• 12:11
  Misty Celli: Today will be one of those days when she disappears into everyone else's morning before she's even had her own.
• 12:17
  Misty Celli: The workout she'd planned doesn't happen.
• 12:20
  Misty Celli: Not because she decided not to go, but because by the time she'd handled what needed handling, the class was almost over.
• 12:26
  Misty Celli: She tells herself she'll walk later.
• 12:28
  Misty Celli: She won't.
• 12:28
  Misty Celli: By two o'clock, she's confident the evening will be more of the same.
• 12:32
  Misty Celli: Rushing, urgency, task moving forward, and somewhere beneath the busyness, that feeling quiet, familiar, the pit in her stomach of having let herself down again.
• 12:42
  Misty Celli: She doesn't even name it anymore.
• 12:43
  Misty Celli: She just carries it.
• 12:45
  Misty Celli: Now, picture a different Tuesday.
• 12:47
  Misty Celli: Same woman, same life, same people who love her and need things from her.
• 12:52
  Misty Celli: She's up before the house wakes.
• 12:54
  Misty Celli: This hour is hers and she knows it.
• 12:56
  Misty Celli: She moves through her morning like a woman who's decided.
• 12:59
  Misty Celli: Maybe it's the gym.
• 13:00
  Misty Celli: Maybe it's 20 minutes of yoga in the living room before anyone else comes downstairs.
• 13:04
  Misty Celli: Maybe it's 10 minutes of quiet in a cup of coffee that actually she finishes while it's still warm.
• 13:10
  Misty Celli: Whatever it is, she does it.
• 13:12
  Misty Celli: Not tomorrow, not when things calm down, but today.
• 13:16
  Misty Celli: Halfway through, her phone lights up.
• 13:18
  Misty Celli: Something that wants her attention.
• 13:20
  Misty Celli: She sees it, notes it, and sets the phone face down.
• 13:24
  Misty Celli: Not yet, but this time is mine.
• 13:26
  Misty Celli: She finishes.
• 13:27
  Misty Celli: And when she does, when she rolls up the mat or sets down the weights or sets down her coffee cup, something settles in her chest that has nothing to do with the workout itself.
• 13:37
  Misty Celli: It's not about the calories or the steps or the minutes.
• 13:40
  Misty Celli: It's the feeling underneath all of it.
• 13:43
  Misty Celli: I did that for me.
• 13:44
  Misty Celli: That's not a small thing.
• 13:46
  Misty Celli: For a woman who's spent years making sure everyone else is taken care of first, doing something entirely for herself and protecting the time to do it is an act of profound self-respect.
• 13:57
  Misty Celli: She walks into the rest of her day differently.
• 13:59
  Misty Celli: Not louder, not more demanding, just more herself, more present, more like the woman she's actually is when she's not running on empty.
• 14:07
  Misty Celli: The nail appointment she'd been putting off for three weeks is on the calendar, and she keeps it.
• 14:12
  Misty Celli: Not because everything else is done, but because she decided it mattered.
• 14:16
  Misty Celli: Her husband notices something that evening.
• 14:18
  Misty Celli: He's not sure what's different exactly.
• 14:20
  Misty Celli: She just seems lighter, more here.
• 14:23
  Misty Celli: This is what it feels like to be a woman who keeps her word to herself.
• 14:26
  Misty Celli: Not perfectly, not without the occasional morning that goes sideways, but underneath it all, even on the hard days, the low grade hum is gone, replaced by something quieter and steadier.
• 14:38
  Misty Celli: She matters to herself and it shows.
• 14:41
  Misty Celli: And I want you to hear me.
• 14:42
  Misty Celli: That woman isn't someone else.
• 14:44
  Misty Celli: She's you on a Tuesday that's closer than you think.
• 14:48
  Misty Celli: You're allowed to want that whole morning, not a smaller, safer version of it.
• 14:52
  Misty Celli: Your utmost self already knows what she protects and she's living in her own rhythm again.
• 14:57
  Misty Celli: Can you feel the difference between those two Tuesdays?
• 15:00
  Misty Celli: The utmost woman doesn't wait for a perfect week to start living like herself.
• 15:04
  Misty Celli: She decides, today, this morning, in this hour, that she is worth showing up for.
• 15:10
  Misty Celli: And she's been right about that all along.
• 15:13
  Misty Celli: So here's the deal.
• 15:14
  Misty Celli: You've believed boundaries don't work for you because people walk right over them.
• 15:17
  Misty Celli: But the boundaries you tried were rules about other people, so they could only hold as long as everybody else cooperated.
• 15:24
  Misty Celli: The kind that hold is a statement about who you are, and it doesn't depend on anybody else at all.
• 15:29
  Misty Celli: So here's the question I'll leave you with.
• 15:30
  Misty Celli: The erased woman draws her lines in pencil and then waits to see if anyone will respect them.
• 15:35
  Misty Celli: The utmost woman draws hers from who she is and keeps them because they're hers.
• 15:39
  Misty Celli: Which woman is drawing your lines today?
• 15:42
  Misty Celli: Choose one thing that matters to the woman that you are.
• 15:44
  Misty Celli: One hour, one morning, one part of your day, and protect it today.
• 15:49
  Misty Celli: But to protect it from who you are rather than from a rule, you need to know who you are in words.
• 15:54
  Misty Celli: That's your first step.
• 15:56
  Misty Celli: The identity eraser kit gives you three words to recognize and reconnect with the woman you are beyond the rules.
• 16:02
  Misty Celli: It's free and it takes 15 minutes.
• 16:04
  Misty Celli: You are worth the time.
• 16:05
  Misty Celli: You'll use these words to follow through without self-sacrifice.
• 16:09
  Misty Celli: Make decisions without guilt and show up as yourself every single day.
• 16:12
  Misty Celli: And you'll build the daily ritual that makes it stick.
• 16:15
  Misty Celli: This is phase one of three.
• 16:17
  Misty Celli: Discover, design, do.
• 16:19
  Misty Celli: Head to the link in the show notes or go to yourutmost.com forward slash starter today.
• 16:25
  Misty Celli: Now, sometime in the next hour or so after you said it, you'll probably hear a voice telling you you're being selfish, or that it won't last, or that someone's going to be disappointed.
• 16:34
  Misty Celli: That voice is the identity eraser effect trying to take back the ground you just claimed.
• 16:39
  Misty Celli: You can answer it like this.
• 16:41
  Misty Celli: I am a woman who chose herself today, and I will choose her again tomorrow.
• 16:45
  Misty Celli: Say this with me.
• 16:46
  Misty Celli: My boundaries don't depend on anyone else.
• 16:49
  Misty Celli: They depend on who I am.
• 16:50
  Misty Celli: Write it down, say it out loud, then go live it.
• 16:54
  Misty Celli: If this one landed, if you saw your own Thursday morning somewhere in it, would you leave a review?
• 16:59
  Misty Celli: It helps the next woman who's giving up on boundaries realize she was building them on the wrong ground.
• 17:03
  Misty Celli: And if you know a woman who's always saying boundaries don't work for her, send her this episode.
• 17:08
  Misty Celli: Next week we're talking about why your days fill up before you've ever had a turn and why the answer isn't squeezing more into it.
• 17:14
  Misty Celli: Two simple shifts to design your day for the woman beneath the rolls so your time actually feels like yours.
• 17:20
  Misty Celli: If you haven't hit follow or subscribe yet, do it before you go so you're here for next week's episode.
• 17:26
  Misty Celli: Go protect one thing today because of who you are.
• 17:29
  Misty Celli: Until next week, remember you are more than everyone's everything.
• 17:33
  Misty Celli: You are someone, and you are worth living your utmost life as your utmost self.