Latest / The Bridges and Beacons Podcast / The Joys of Parenting with Joy Resor

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The Joys of Parenting with Joy Resor · The Bridges and Beacons Podcast

• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Mystic Nerd Squad podcast.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm your host, Kelly Meyerson, and we're here today to have a conversation about the joys of parenting.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_02: Joining me on the other side of the virtual screen is my friend Joy, and I'm so excited.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: She is literally the bringer of Joy.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and one of my favorite authors, poets, and just an amazing, joyful presence in the world.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: So, Joy, welcome and thanks so much for being here.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you so much, Kelly.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's an honor to be with you again.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh, yes.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: So Joy and I figured this out because I was like, okay, I know you were here.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: Was it about a year ago?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: We couldn't remember exactly.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: So she was on episode seven of season one back in December of 2021.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: So when this podcast was a little baby and just getting its start in the world.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_02: So um, and hers was an episode that just was so uplifting.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: I really recommend that everybody go back and listen to that after checking this episode out.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: Today, we're gonna dive into the joys of parenting.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: And um, if you've been following this series, I've had a couple episodes already, but I just felt called to do a season that focused on parents and the topics and the things that are important to us.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: And Joy was like, How about having a conversation about the joys of parenting?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Well, that is refreshing.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_02: Because there's definitely a lot of things that are stressful and hard and challenging.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_02: But, you know, we both shared before we came on screen, like the the decision and the desire to be a mother was something that existed in us from as long back as we can remember, you know.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so we're gonna talk about that tonight.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: And I think a word that comes up for me a lot um when we're talking about parenting is the idea of legacy and you know, bringing things forward.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: And I think the first thing I think about when the word legacy comes about is like, how am I parenting, learning from all of the good things and the mistakes that my parents made and moving forward?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: So, Joy, you have two sons.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: What did you do differently with them than you did, than you had as parenting for yourself from your parents?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: That is such that gives me goosebumps.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Kelly, that is such a beautiful question because one of the things I was gonna suggest is that we get to parent differently than our parents did, or the same, it just depends.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And oh, I have so many thoughts about it because first of all, well, my mother never saw me, I knew she was living in her head, and I was a very present mother.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I and my kids even my my sons are 35 and going on 38, and I asked, I told them I was doing this interview with you and asked them if they had any feedback for me, and everything they said points to the fact I was there.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my son, you know, they even bring up things I didn't remember.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: So and before I continue on this question, I want to just remind everyone that you do the we do the best we can.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: We are always doing the best we can.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And don't get down on yourself if you make a mistake or you feel you make a mistake or you didn't do something well, but you get to you get to apologize to your children.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: You get to say, I didn't handle that well.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like honesty is the best policy.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but as far as my parents, when our sons were young, my I was sleeping in and they were getting up, and my husband's like, Joy, mothers get up with their children, like um the ways I wasn't well mothered, my husband was well mothered.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so you learn from your maybe you have a partner that teaches, helps you, teaches you.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And like, oh, you know, parents, you you get up with your son and you feed them breakfast because I was, I woke myself up, I took my own breakfast.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I wasn't, I loved my mother.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And bless her, she's in the great beyond, but she didn't have super, super mothering skills.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but anyway, yeah, the legacy of it, and I I've heard um my son, my both my sons are married, and I every now and then we're together and I get this feedback of what I did that those boys told their wives that I did that they really liked.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, the tucking in at night, and the we made up this thing, it was called tight, tight.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I would um start at their face and go all the way down their body and like um pad that their bodies, you know, like right with the blanket, yeah.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: With the blanket, like them all in tight, tight we did tight, tight, tight, tight tucking in.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know how that ever started, but just the the little things you do with your children, the games that just happen.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: You told me the reading over the the funny passage from the book, Kelly.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to name what just happened for you and your children?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, and it for me, I think one of the biggest joys of parenting is that bedtime routine.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: And they can be stressful, and believe me, we've had our stressful times with bedtime routines, especially when he was very little, but now it's like we share a book together.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: So we were reading a book together, and we had it, it was a brand new book, and we just came on this passage, and as I was reading it, he was hysterically laughing, and he had me read it three more times, and we were just every time we giggled all the way through it.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: And it was just this like bliss and joy, and like truly enjoying that part of the routine.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so I can I can resonate with that, with that that the special moments that happen and those routines that develop that become these rituals that are just part of your it's part of your family culture at a certain point, right?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and then to have my one son saying that, you know, we had our family culture.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And when they would go, he said his memories of going to other people's homes, he he couldn't wait to get back to our home.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because the different he was just noticing the differences in those family systems and things that maybe weren't working as well as as things were working in our family system.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, but yeah, when you said legacy, it reminded me of what I'm doing for my children.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is it the idea came up in me after reading a book that's an incredible book called The Museum Makers um that we are all creating museums basically in our homes, but uh somehow that book gave me the idea that I have so many pieces of paper and photographs letters from my parents who are deceased, from my grandparents.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I have pictures and different things, and the idea came in me to make a book for each of my sons, just their own particular book, because I had a different relationship with each of these boys, they're three years apart, but they were so unique, and and that leads me to say that honoring these young people that are in our lives is a joy.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting them, you know, if the time that the are my one son is crying at night and he's a little older, and I I go to tuck him in and I'm like, What's going on?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: He said, I don't want to talk about it.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh mom, I don't want to go.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna they laugh at me.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm too old, I'm overweight, we're having an outdoor day.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, sweetheart, and it was in three days, and he wanted to lose his stomach in three days.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is, you know, he grew, he's 6'4, but he grew late, so he was uh heavy, and I said, if you uh don't want to go to that outdoor day, if that's gonna be too hard for you, I'm okay if you want to stay home.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just I I've goosebumps in the ways I supported these boys.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they asked, you know, I mom, I can't go to this anymore.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot, I signed up for it and I can't go.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, tell me about that.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: He's well, I thought I really wanted to do it, and I really it's you know, whatever it was, but I let that one son not go to wrestling.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's just listening to them.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the son who really wanted to go to a different school, he was getting bullied, and we let him follow his friend who was going to a Catholic school for a change, and our son went, and then after so long, his friend had left and come back to the public school.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: My son stayed a little longer and then he begged to come back.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I I honor, I honored these children, and I sometimes I had to work with my husband who's like, are you crazy?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he's gotta stay till he has to stay till the end of the year, and I'm like, you need to no, he does not.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I talked to the guidance counselor at our public school, and she's like, You don't wait till the end of the year, you bring them back when you bring them back.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Bring them back as soon as possible.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's just the joys of listening to them, you know, and we had our troubles, we had our challenges.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: We had the squirrel that I rescued a baby squirrel because we had my husband, uh there was a reason that he was chopping having a tree taken down, and the um the people came to our door with the this piece of wood that had a squirrel nest in it.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: With these baby black squirrels.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: I I learned, you know, I learned so much about myself and about um other things raising these boys.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the joys of education happen when you're raising children.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I had two sisters, I didn't, and then I had two sons.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, the squirrel.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I I got a pi pet, I I I called animal control, and I learned how to care for this infant squirrel.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I I mothered this infant squirrel until he became um too large, and it was time to set him free.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And my older son freaked out at dinners like, no, I need a cage in my room.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot let that squirrel go.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: And he was just beside himself.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I was not gonna have a growing squirrel living in my house.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: So we weren't, and we just you know, you have to put your foot down.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: We I listened, but you know, honoring their opinions.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: My younger son said, I said I said something about his girlfriend and him, and he goes, Well, yeah, what did he say?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: You never let she and I have a closed door.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_02: You're like, uh nope, then that won't be happening.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no closed doors.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um gosh.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, what other notes?
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, oh, and my younger son, it was interesting because he said that the whole family.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, how did he say it?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: We um we had to manage the energy that was that older boy.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: He said it in some really interesting way.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, we um what did he say?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Younger son said we manage the tension of his brother, and after his brother was in the Peace Corps, he became a better brother.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_02: That's hysterical, yeah, yeah.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_02: That is really funny.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and one thing I want to say that is that um when my children were young, another mother gave me a mother's journal.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, You will not remember the crazy wonderful things that your sons say, capture them in writing in this journal.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I was pretty good about writing things down, and that journal is the one of the favorite things that when my grown sons visit these men in my lives, they love to read that journal.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I I recommend that for new parents.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh, I'm like I have chills.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: One of the gifts that I got um when my son was bored was a journal.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_02: And uh another mom who said she said almost verbatim the same thing.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_02: And so I've kept this journal, you know, not every day consistently, and sometimes it'll go like six months, even a year, and then I feel like I have to go back and like fill in some of the blanks and the things that we might want to remember, but I love that.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think it's I think it's so special.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm glad you're doing it for your sons.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um there was the joy of their hands tucked into mine when we crossed streets when they were little, and I I wrote poetry about that after, you know, their growth in all their stages beyond diapers and their friendships, the day they wrote a two-wheeler.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but let's see, what did I write here?
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: For highly sensitive me, the way Joy showed up throughout those days will be immensely different for you.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: I raised my sons in the 80s and 90s when working mothers had become a total thing, and so I would be I was a stay-at-home mother in the 80s and 90s, so I would go to the grocery store with these little people, and these older mothers would like thank me for you were a trailblazer in their minds.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't because I was staying home with my boys, yeah.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um you know, not everyone can do that, and it's a choice, and many mothers cannot do that, they need to work, it's just all it's who we are, but me as a sensitive soul, I I couldn't even imagine doing two things like parenting and working.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: It was I couldn't, I couldn't.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um we bring who we are to the task, ready or not, within ourselves and without, we bring an echo of what we what didn't work in our growing up lives, or we make conscious decisions to parent differently.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Did you do that?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Have you done yeah?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, absolutely.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I I think um my husband and I both, and we're very fortunate in that we had really good parenting, very family-centered, you know, high family value um parents growing up, you know.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, both of my parents didn't have that kind of an upbringing.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_02: I think there was a lot of a lot of drama and trauma, and you know, they were sort of like passed around, not really, didn't really get the opportunity to have that close-knit family.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_02: They didn't, they didn't go to their events and things.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_02: My parents went to every single event of and I have a younger sister and a younger brother, and they literally they were banned parents for because my brother is seven years younger than me.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_02: So I think there's like eight years or so, maybe longer, that they were consistently banned parents every year.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_02: So they they went and did everything, and I can recall, and I don't know when exactly they told me, that they decided that their focus was their family.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_02: And they decided that, you know, my mom was gonna stay at home.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_02: Um, this was I, you know, I was born in the 70s, but grew up through the 80s.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and my dad could have worked more, but he wouldn't really work overtime.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_02: He would come home.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_02: We always had dinner together, you know, we had evenings and weekends together, we took trips together.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_02: We didn't do fancy stuff.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_02: We used to go camping for two weeks, but it was perfect.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_02: It was awesome.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_02: And we had close-knit extended family.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_02: So that I feel like that legacy has passed down and being with extended family and those relationships are so important to me.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_02: So I think we've carried those on.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_02: And then the places where we feel like it was just a different time and a different generation that, you know, I can relate to some of your really responding to what your children are saying and really listening to their intuition and their voice and respecting them as being very wise, regardless of how old they are.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_02: Like we spoke to my son as though he was the wisest soul from the moment he was born.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_02: We never, you know, talked down to him or treated him, you know, treated him like a baby, obviously, but we didn't speak to him like that.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_02: We speak to spoke to him like he was a full, you know, knowing being.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and he was very bright from like from the time he was born, he was sort of like looking around.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_02: My husband played music for him, like right after he was born, and he was like tuned right into it.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_02: Like, yeah, he he was just like in tune from the get-go.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_02: So I feel like we we're very tuned into who he is, you know, um, and not expecting him to measure up to something.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_02: Whereas I feel like when we were kids, there was the expectation, like as a girl, you be a good girl.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_02: Good girls don't make a lot of noise, they don't disrupt things, you know.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_02: Um, whereas I feel like there's a lot less of that pressure.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm generalizing.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's so beautiful, Kelly.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you reminded me that I cried when my son marched down the field in band because I was in band, and that was the first, and I was at the game, that was the first time that I really resonated with something that my sons did that I also had done.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because my dad would say he yelled, and I've written about this.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I want to go to the band concert?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: Those kids can't play, and he's yelling.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_02: He's not wrong some of the time.
• 25:20
  unknown: Yeah.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so for us to be in this with generations, we get to be different.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're we're we're raising children in a different era than our parents raised us.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, things are inherently different, but also we get to choose, and the more we're awake, waking, awake to the moments, the better life is.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_02: Um, oh my gosh, what else?
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like that makes me think of like being awake to the moments.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_02: That's one of the things that we really treasured about you know the pandemic and being home for those couple years.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_02: We we had meals together.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_02: And not that we hadn't done that in the past, but we had like every meal together.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_02: And we were like, oh, let's be really purposeful about this.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_02: Let's have dinners together.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_02: Let's sit, let's, you know, pray if you're into praying, but like just express gratitude.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_02: And and for us, I think that's probably the most like spiritual time for us together as a family when we're sitting together at a meal and being grateful for it.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, teaching my son social conscious and recognize that not everybody has a table full of food like this.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_02: And it's, you know, it's on us to think about the other people, to be grateful for what we have, to give what we're able to give, and to teach him that.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_02: And I think those moments are so memorable for kids, and I think it's also so impactful.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_02: They'll these will resound in their mind and will put them towards that path of wanting to cultivate goodness in the world.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's so beautiful, Kelly.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we had those too.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: I used to remember that these were teachable moments, and we raised really beautiful men, and they are beautiful men, they're beautiful husbands, and someday I will be a grandma, I hope.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I just I have this written down.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing I want to say is because I was a journal writer, um, and I have been, I have all my journals, like 40 years of journals, but I happened to open one and I wrote down this down.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: It says, Andrew reminds me of patience.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday, Andrew reminds me of patience.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I wrote this or he told me this.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not sure.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: But this says, yesterday, and I think no.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: Wait a minute.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think I wrote this in my journal.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday, Kevin had a day off before.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I gave you their name, I gave you their names that I wasn't gonna do.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Before it left for school, he wanted to wake his brother to ask him about his night playing this journey on the internet, this EverQuest journey on the internet.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think he needed to wake his brother for such a reason, a trivial reason.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I said something like, You are growing in patience as you mature, you're growing in patience as you mature, and you can wait until later to find out.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let him sleep in on his day off.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you I have goosebumps, but if you pretend they're good at something, like you're growing in maturity, I'm sure you can do this differently, you know.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like it it Andrew Andrew left without waking his brother.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um may I re may I remember positive lessons.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: I journaled, grew myself.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I do I grew myself as they grew up.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: I yeah, when if you journal as your children are growing, you might grow yourself up in new ways.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and and I also did, and Irene, I there was a time that I just felt called to do something on a Sunday night.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember I had to work up my courage to say, ask my husband, hey, what about if you and the kids have a Sunday night?
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: And what if I don't do the dishes and you know you make the dinner for them and I scoot out and I do this thing?
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it really gave those men a gift because when we honor ourselves, we don't know we're we're gifting other people.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I gifted my family by going and doing some things on my own, and you know, they they learned to do what they what they are good at, and I love that I have to say, you know, one of the things, like if somebody asks me like what's like new mom advice, one of the things that I will say is, especially if you're type A personality like me, or you tend to be a little controlling like me, the best thing that I ever did was suppress that when my son was born and allow my husband to figure things out on his own.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_02: And my husband is an amazing dad.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_02: He he has been a stay-at-home dad more than I have ever been home with my son.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and we have never, I've never had like I've heard these stories about, you know, moms who are like, oh, I'm going away, but I need to pack the bag and prep the food.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_02: And I mean, it's like a there's a joke in there somewhere, right?
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, I don't have to do that, you know.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_02: I and I think that is a gift, like being able to be a true partner for someone that, you know, it doesn't matter which one of us does it because we both are capable.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_02: And that has allowed so many moments to be easier.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_02: That like if there's something stressful going on and one of us needs to be able to step away, the other isn't like, well, now I don't know what to do.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_02: And I need you to, we can give each other that freedom too.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_02: So I think the fact that you've done that for your sons is huge.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm sure their partners feel the same way.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_02: Like, thank you for raising someone who is capable, and that I will say that is uh my mother-in-law definitely raised my husband to be independent, to be able to do.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_02: We never had that, like, this is the mom job, this is the dad job, you know, or this is a boy job, and this is a girl job.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_02: I will take out garbage, he will, you know, make dinner, like there's no gender um assignments to the tasks that have to happen in the house, they're just us things that have to happen in the house.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_02: And whoever A has time, B likes to do it, or C hates it the least, right?
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: So depending on what task, it's so fabulous how you are parenting your son, and how what you just explained is so beautiful, and it reminded me that the generation of us raising our sons, it was a little different because I was home, and this my beautiful ex, because I am divorced, he wanted a stay-at-home mother wife, is what he wanted, you know.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: But it worked for our family.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: But there was the day that Andrew, okay, the the husband was on the road a lot.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't home, he was on the road a lot.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say that.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: So Andrew was a teenager at this point, maybe 12 or 13.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: And and I said, Um, I miss dad, and when he's home, he's angry with me.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then I remember going up the stairs.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe Joe had maybe my husband had just come home, and um and I and he said, you know, I love coming home to be with our sons, but I just I don't know what to do.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like my dad, I liked everything he did.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: He played golf, I played golf, he played poker, I played poker, and he said, these boys, I don't, I don't get them.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, we I stepped in with my wisdom or my God connection wisdom that came to me.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: I said, okay, what's coming to me is what if you don't need anything from you spend time with this child and you you do something unique, you don't worry about doing the same thing with you know doing what he likes.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: So he started just taking that uh son to lunch at Bob Evans restaurant or something, and he he really uh did his best not to need something, Andrew to become something, but just to be with him.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: And and then he took him, um, they went and they shot skeet, they they did something different at the club that my husband belonged to.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they looked for ways to do something, and after 9-11, I got into intense fear, and I didn't want to fly anywhere, and my ex had all these frequent flyer miles, so he ended up taking one son at a time on some great trip, and you know, that is something that is a joy in parenting, is when if you have more than one child and to have one of them alone for a little while, it's it's a it's it is one of those gifts that you will forever remember, they will forever remember.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I had this, and then there was the time that my ex said, hey, I'm always the one going with one of the sons.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm over here with the one son, why don't you take the other son on a trip?
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had this one trip with one of the sons.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it's just, and I will say, you never know how life will unfold.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: As you keep growing and changing, and I hope that you believe in that, and you do, you may become an individual, something akin to who I have become, which is I was talking to my son, my older son, who was serving in the Peace Corps in Namibia, Africa, having a phone call, when this question comes up in me that it wasn't a thought, it was just from my heart, would you like me to visit?
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Yes, and I want to go on a photo safari in South Africa, Mom.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, wow.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Andrew, how are your funds?
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew that um what he was gonna say, and he goes, they're not good.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Oh, so you really want me to treat you to a photo safari in South Africa?
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: Is that did I get that right?
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but I had the means to do this, and we and I really think it had been so long, so he was 32 at the time, I believe.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: He had left home at 18, so I really I didn't feel like I knew who he had he was, but he probably didn't know who I had become.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: So at anyway, I when I said how long will I stay in um Swakamund, Namibia, it's the capital of Namibia, I believe, and he said, Oh, let's do three days, I'll probably have to work.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I flew to Johannesburg, he I was there for a night or two, then he came.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_00: We had this amazing time together, and we I mean, to learn who he had become, and he learned who I had become.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow, we were both we had such a great present moment time with one another, and we were so present moment and listeners, and that that um photo safari company gave us these other opportunities that they didn't give to all their clients, like, oh, let's take you to the medicine woman, oh, let's take you to the school.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: We because we are who we are.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and my other son knows that someday we might work out something because at the time this son wasn't married, he was single, but now both my sons are married, and so I mean to to take your 32-year-old son on a two-week, spend two weeks with him.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and when we were in Swakamand, he was with me every moment.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't working because he had learned, I want to be with you.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: And he even didn't put me in the cab to go to the airport to leave, he came in the cab to go to the airport and he helped me check in my bag to get them all the way to Atlanta.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: He uh I've goosebumps of uh you know who this um the tension, the kid, the Taurus kid in our home who he became as a man.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's no comparison really to a we grow, we change, but with good parenting and enjoying being parents, our children can become such beautiful citizens on the planet.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh, I love this so much, and I I love the perspective that you have because you have you know grown sons, so you have the perspective of who they were when they were with you all the time and who they are now that they've their lives have been informed by you, but they've grown and you've grown.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I think that's that's such a beautiful thing, you know.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Kelly.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_00: And to say that even though I I knew from some young age that they weren't mine, that these children came through me to have their lives.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: But even now, I think it started in COVID when I noticed someone on Facebook was zooming with their family once a month or something.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: I started Zooming.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_00: I invited my sons to Zoom.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: So we zoom once a month, and the conversations that we have are so wonderful.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I look forward to these visits, and of course, they happen so they come so fast because a month, we know how fast a month.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that's so true.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and they're busy in their lives, they're you know, working, and they're husbands, and they have they each have a dog, and yes.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for wonderful.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh thank you for this beautiful conversation.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_02: And I know as people were listening and hearing your different anecdotes and your experience as a mom and as a as a co-parent.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um, how could people connect with you if they wanted to know more about you or spend some time with you?
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I have a newer email, which is joyfulreaser at gmail.com.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_00: So you could contact me if you have any questions.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I serve clients as their spiritual mentor.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_00: They call me a joybringer.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, and I have a website, joyonyourshoulders.com, which you could visit if you are inclined, with a lot of articles on there and a newsletter you could sign up for or not.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I'm I'm available.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I and if you Google Joy Reeser podcasts or something, I've been on very many.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: I love being interviewed and I'm good at listening and talking.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_02: Agreed, agreed, and I would recommend going to your website so they can see some of the beautiful illustrations and poems um in the books that you've written.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um, yeah, that's like a whole other piece of you know um who you are and what you've offered the world.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and yeah, I I I have two books that families adore.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll leave it at that.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, thank you.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is it's always a gift to speak with you, dear.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_02: Oh thank you.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_02: I appreciate that.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I really encourage all of you to find all the ways that you can connect with Joy and to check out some of her projects and things that she's done.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_02: Um, beautiful poetry, which is always near and dear to my heart.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_02: But I've really enjoyed having this conversation about the joys of parenting.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_02: And um, let us know.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_02: Leave some comments.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_02: Be sure to like and rate the episode um so that it populates so other people can check it out.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and let us know how this has resonated with you and your own parenting journey.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_02: Any last words, Miss Joy?
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Kelly.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: Allow your children to speak to you.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_00: Could I say one more anecdote?
• 46:59
  SPEAKER_00: That my one son would come home like a storm and slam the door like he was safe from everything wrong in the world, and but he wouldn't talk about it, and he wouldn't talk about it.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this one day he had a doctor's appointment and we needed to leave in like 40 minutes or something, and he would not go.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Sorry, Charlie, you're not getting out of it.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_00: We are going to this doctor checkup thing.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I cannot cancel at this hour.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're doing this thing, and it was in the car that I'm driving, and he is spilling his pain to me, and that was the reason he would come in the house like a storm that he wouldn't talk about.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's because someone had threatened him that if he talked about it, they were gonna off him, you know, like he was in pain.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_00: But um, that was the end of that.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we got to rectify things, and so to be available to them is really important, and it's they're not just gonna always talk when you want them to talk.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: True, it really, it really could be some other day, you know.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_02: That's great, I love that, and thank you so much again.
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_02: And we look forward to seeing you on the next episode.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_02: Take care, everyone.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_02: Bye now.