Latest / Intimacy After Infidelity | Cut Contact, Rebuild Trust, Shed Shame, Avoid Divorce, Forgiveness for Adultery / 116 | Stop Making Room for What’s Destroying You: How to Finally Walk Away and Walk in Freedom

Transcript

116 | Stop Making Room for What’s Destroying You: How to Finally Walk Away and Walk in Freedom · Intimacy After Infidelity | Cut Contact, Rebuild Trust, Shed Shame, Avoid Divorce, Forgiveness for Adultery

• 0:00
  Hello, friend.
• 0:01
  I am so glad you're here, and I hope that this conversation today helps you have some more hope and feel a little bit more encouraged.
• We're going to talk about this idea of freedom and what if everything that you previously believed about freedom was actually keeping you stuck, because here's what I hear sometimes I should be free to talk to who I want.
• I should be free to feel what I feel.
• Nobody should get to tell me what to do with my own heart and friend.
• I get it.
• I said versions of that too.
• But here's the thing, that kind of freedom, it wasn't making me free.
• It was actually making me a prisoner.
• I was chained to my phone, chained to my thoughts, chained to a person who was slowly consuming every good thing in my life, and I called that freedom.
• So today we're gonna talk about what freedom actually is, why the version most of us are chasing will never deliver, and how Romans 13 gives us one of the most liberating reframes in all of scripture.
• Hey, friend, before we dive in, I wanna just take a minute to tell you about something I created specifically for you.
• The woman who never thought an affair would be part of her story.
• Who's doing the hard work of healing, but wondering why it still feels so heavy and so lonely.
• Rooted in joy is a six month healing journey for women rebuilding their identity after infidelity.
• And here's why it works when other things haven't, you see most resources will give you lots of good information.
• A book will give you principles to live by a podcast.
• Even this one will give you truth to sit with, but information alone does not create transformation.
• What creates transformation is doing the work inside of a safe community with other women who understand what you're carrying and being guided by someone who has walked this exact road.
• And come out on the other side In rooted in joy.
• We don't just talk about healing.
• We practice it together.
• We walk through shame, identity, your body joy, peace, freedom, not just as concepts, but as your lived experience.
• And you don't have to figure out how to apply any of this alone.
• So if you are ready to stop carrying this by yourself, rooted in Joy is where we do this together.
• The link is in the show notes.
• You can find me on Instagram, send me a message on Facebook, send me an email.
• I would love to get to know your name and your story and how I can support you.
• Okay? Let's jump in.
• If you have your Bible, I would love for you to join me in Romans chapter 13.
• We're gonna start in verse eight, and this is so important.
• I actually wanna take a second and read this with you.
• I'll be reading out of the new Living translation version because I think it hits a little bit differently here.
• Okay, here's what it says, owe nothing to anyone except to love one another for whoever loves others, has fulfilled the law.
• The commandments say, you must not commit adultery, you must not murder.
• You must not steal, you must not covet.
• These and other such commandments are summed up in this one commandment.
• Love your neighbor as yourself.
• Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God's law.
• This is all the more urgent for you know how late it is.
• Time is running out.
• Wake up for our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed.
• The night is almost gone.
• The day of salvation will soon be here.
• So remove your dark deeds, like dirty clothes and put on the shining armor of right living.
• Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see.
• Don't participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness or sexual promiscuity and immoral living, or in quarreling and jealousy.
• Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ, and don't let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires.
• Okay, so let's talk about freedom.
• I wanna start by telling you what freedom is not.
• Because I think most of us are chasing a version of freedom that's actually just dressed up.
• Bondage.
• Freedom is not doing whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want.
• Freedom is not well.
• I should be able to text him if I feel like it.
• Freedom is not following every impulse and calling it authenticity.
• Freedom is not the absence of limits.
• I know friend, that might feel a little uncomfortable because if you are the woman who is still in contact with him, or if you're thinking about him constantly, or if you're keeping a door cracked open just in case, then part of you might be telling yourself that's you are right, that your feelings are valid, and nobody gets to tell you what to do with them.
• Here's how I wanna reply to that.
• Yes, your feelings are valid.
• What you felt was real and walking away from someone you genuinely connected with is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
• The grief of that is real.
• I'm not going to minimize it or rush you past it.
• Missing him doesn't make you weak or broken or irredeemable.
• But listen to me, your emotions are not your authority.
• You are.
• So let's talk about what freedom actually is.
• Paul opens this passage in Romans 13, not with a rule, but with a different foundation.
• Owe nothing to anyone except love.
• Before he ever talks about behavior.
• He establishes this perspective.
• Love is the law that fulfills every other law, which means the question we get to ask about every choice isn't, can I, can I do this? Can I do that? The question that we get to ask is, is this loving? Is this loving God with my whole heart? Is this loving myself? Well, is this loving my family with integrity? When I finally started asking those questions, everything shifted because the answer to can I keep texting him, is technically yes you can.
• Nobody is physically stopping you, but is it loving yourself? Is it loving God? Is it loving your marriage or your children, or the future that you say you want? And if we're being honest, that answer is probably no.
• And friend, suddenly that's not restriction.
• That's wisdom.
• And when wisdom comes from love, that is actually what sets you free.
• Okay? Think about this silly picture.
• Think about a fish.
• A fish living out of water is not free.
• See the fish is saying, but I want to fly.
• Look at the birds that are in the sky.
• That's not fair that I have to stay here in the water.
• Okay? But if the fish attempts to climb up a tree and fly, what's gonna happen? That fish is gonna die.
• You see, the water is not a cage for the fish.
• I'm gonna say that again.
• The water is not a cage.
• But it is the environment that the fish needs to live and to thrive.
• Sister healthy boundaries work the same way.
• Boundaries are not punishment.
• They are simply the conditions inside of which you actually get to thrive.
• And here's the foundation that makes all of this possible salvation in Jesus Christ.
• Because of what Jesus did on the cross, your debt is paid completely, fully.
• Finally, you don't owe anything.
• The penalty for your sin has been settled, not just reduced or deferred or put on a payment plan.
• Your debt for your sin has been settled in full, and that means you have forgiveness for your past.
• And in the present, you have power over sin, and you also have the promise that one day you will be completely free from the presence of sin altogether.
• So here's where Paul gets really practical Forgiveness doesn't mean that the cleanup is done.
• Okay, here's another picture for you.
• In 2010, BP caused one of the largest oil spills in the history in the Gulf of Mexico.
• They paid an enormous financial settlement because of what happened, and so technically their legal debt was resolved.
• They owed a fine and they paid it, but that payment didn't clean up the water.
• The money from their fine still had to be applied to the actual restoration work.
• The debt being settled and the cleanup that needed to happen were two separate things.
• And yeah, they, they were both necessary to rectify the situation.
• Your life works the same way.
• Jesus paid the debt for your sin.
• It's done.
• There is no more condemnation for anyone in Christ Jesus.
• But now, every single day you get to participate in the cleanup by choosing not to go back to the oil.
• Think of all those little ducks that you see on the Dawn soap commercials, and they're getting cleaned up from the oil.
• What sense would it make if that duck kept going back to the oil? So the, the fine had been paid, the actual space was getting clean, and then it's a choice to not go back to the mess.
• Going back to the oil looks different for everyone.
• For me, it was like I was planning my day around going to see him.
• Could I run an errand? Could I say I was going to the gym? Could I say that I was going to work? So I, I was lying about which errands I was running and when, just so I could get outta the house to see him.
• Going back to the oil for me looked like spending my emotional energy on someone who wasn't my husband.
• It looked like letting my thoughts drift to him before I even got out of bed in the morning.
• And going back to the oil looked like me keeping open this door of a hope.
• Telling myself that while I wasn't actually hurting anything.
• I don't know what that is for you, friend.
• Maybe it's the fact that his contact information is still in your phone.
• Maybe you're still checking his social media.
• Maybe you're still replaying your last conversation over and over again, or you're still holding onto a photograph or a message thread.
• Maybe you're leaving the window open to your heart because walking away fully.
• Just feels like grief that you are not ready to face.
• Sister, if I was sitting across the table from you, I would look you in the eyes and say, I hear you.
• I really do.
• I feel you, but I need you to know something else.
• You can feel that grief and still close the door.
• You don't have to stop feeling in order to start choosing what's right again.
• The most honest prayer that you can pray in this season might be, God, would you change my heart's desires.
• The prayer is not help me white knuckle my way through this.
• I'm just gonna grit my teeth and, and suck it up and go through it.
• The prayer is not remove all my emotions and help me feel nothing.
• The prayer is God can you change the desires of my heart.
• Change what I want.
• That prayer is an act of surrender, and it's one of the most powerful things you will ever do because here's the truth, your impulses do not get to run your life.
• Your emotions are information, but they are not instructions on what you have to do.
• So Paul calls the alternative to this, belonging to the day.
• Living in the light instead of the dark.
• And I love this image 'cause it's so practical.
• He says, to live decent lives for all to see, which means nothing is hidden.
• There's nothing to protect, there's no stories to keep straight, or stories that you have to make up to tell someone.
• So here's the picture I want you to sit with for this.
• Imagine doing your makeup in a room that just has some weird lighting.
• You're gonna do your best in the mirror and you're gonna feel like you look fine, and you might even feel confident when you walk out the door.
• But the moment you step into the actual daylight, everything that you couldn't see in the dark becomes visible.
• And you know the foundation is unblended and uneven and there's smudges just mistakes.
• So what can you do instead? Imagine doing your makeup with a lighted mirror.
• One that shows you exactly what the light will reveal.
• You practice in the light so that when you walk out into the day, you're ready.
• You're not surprised, you're not scrambling, you're not hiding.
• You're just yourself.
• That's what integrity looks like and transparency.
• Not as a performance or a punishment, but as the natural result of having nothing to hide.
• Your phone is transparent.
• You can have honest conversations.
• You may even want an accountability partner who knows your real struggle, and maybe this person is even willing to do check-ins with you on a regular basis.
• Another way that this might look in your life.
• Is for you to have regular check-ins with God in the quiet, not because anyone is forcing you to do any of these things, but because you've decided I belong to the day.
• No longer do I walk in darkness and I'm choosing to live like that.
• Paul closes this line that I want you to hear ringing in your ears, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ.
• And don't let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires friend.
• Stop making room for what destroys you.
• Stop giving it mental real estate.
• Stop leaving the door cracked.
• Stop going back to the mess.
• You are not a prisoner to your past choices.
• You are not defined by your worst season.
• You are a woman who has been purchased, who has been completely forgiven, and who has been set free, and that freedom has a shape and a foundation.
• It has a name, and his name is Jesus.
• So my question for you as we close today, what door are you leaving? Cracked open.
• Not to shame you, not to push you or tell you what to do, but because I genuinely believe you already know the answer and I think part of you is ready to close that door, you just need a safe place to do that with other people who understand and can support you.
• That is exactly what rooted in Joy is a six month journey for women who are done figuring this out on their own.
• And for women who are ready to walk in the light, we talk about the real stuff, the grief of walking away the constant pool to go back, the slow sacred work of rebuilding your life from the inside out.
• And we do it in community with honest honesty and without shame.
• So if you're just curious about that, I invite you to reach out to me.
• Learn more about what this is and what this journey is, and maybe you'll make a new friend in the process, find me on Instagram, send me a message, find me in the Facebook group.
• I would love to talk with you about what might be the next right step for you.
• You were never meant to heal alone and you don't have to.
• Can I pray for you? Lord? I pray for the woman listening right now.
• Give her courage to close the door and walk away from the mess.
• Father, give her grace to grieve as she's releasing.
• And would you give her joy to discover what true freedom actually feels like? May she walk into the light and find you already there? In Jesus name, amen.