Latest / Uncluttered and Unfiltered: The Podcast For Women Over 50 / YOU CAN’T CONTROL THEIR MESS: A MIDLIFE LESSON WE LEARNED LATER IN LIFE

Transcript

YOU CAN’T CONTROL THEIR MESS: A MIDLIFE LESSON WE LEARNED LATER IN LIFE · Uncluttered and Unfiltered: The Podcast For Women Over 50

• 0:04
  Welcome to Uncluttered and Unfiltered, the podcast urging
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  you to let it go and don't look back, with nationally acclaimed
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  professional organizer Christine Stone and self-proclaimed Hot
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  Damn Mess radio and TV personality Eden Kendall.
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  Welcome to Uncluttered and Unfiltered.
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  We are the podcast for women over 50 with professional
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  organizer Christine Stone and me, Eden Kendall.
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  And we are answering one of your messages today.
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  But we've decided it's worthy of an entire episode because it
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  leads into every part of our lives in one way or the other.
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  Even though it came in as an organizing question, it really
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  does have such importance on a day-to-day basis for all of us.
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  It's how we're going to all keep our sanity.
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  It's how we're all going to keep our peace in our homes.
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  Yep. So, Christine, why don't you
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  take it away with a question? OK. 1st I just found your
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  podcast today and have been binging episodes.
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  Thank you for that. I appreciate that.
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  You've sparked my decluttering mission around my house.
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  I actually went through all my drawers and got rid of clothes I
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  can no longer wear or want. I cleaned out 50% which that
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  just. Made my day.
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  I have. To tell you I started.
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  Decluttering during COVID after reading Marie Kondo's book
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  Tidying Up Once I returned back to work.
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  I tried to keep. At it.
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  But eventually I fell off the wagon.
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  My biggest challenge to organizing is there are five
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  adults in my house, my husband, myself and three adult.
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  Kids in college. I'm the everything has its place
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  and everyone else has put it. Wherever, wherever.
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  Then scream that. You can't find.
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  Later which I loved this. How do I get?
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  Everyone to put. Stuff back.
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  Where it belongs. OK, couple things.
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  First of all, before you talk about Marie Condo, I want to
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  compliment you on calling your kids adults because they are in
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  college and it would be easy to say college kids, but you
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  recognize that you are five adults.
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  Yes, I love that too. Good for you.
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  Yeah, well, I'm. I'm I love.
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  Marie Kondo. So I'm not bashing Marie Kondo.
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  I just think. This is what happens.
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  And what I see, people read books, they watch TV shows.
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  They're going to do it. They've they've got it.
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  They bought all the stuff. And then it.
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  Looks good for. A few days and then it becomes a
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  mess again, which I. Wish I had.
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  The secret answer? But it's called life.
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  It's called. Living in your.
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  House, it's called if you have three adult children.
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  Living with you. As well, this is what you have
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  to expect. And that's why.
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  I always say. Not to feel bad.
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  About that that. Most all, all my clients become
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  repeat clients and it's not a bad thing.
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  It's called living life, and then I come in and I call it.
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  Judging it back. Up and then.
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  You keep it that way. Six months.
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  A year? Three months?
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  Whatever it is. And that's.
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  Part. It's just part of it.
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  And I think when? People don't realize that a
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  book. Is not.
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  Going to be that life changing. Thing that they think it's going
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  to be unless they live in a bubble.
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  Unless. They say don't touch that.
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  Don't. Sit there, you know I'll.
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  Get it? I'll do.
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  It you know what I mean? And who wants to do that all the
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  time? Now, I did read the Marie Kondo
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  book years ago and like you say, I mean, she certainly was a life
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  changer for a lot of people, but she's not coming to my house
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  again six months later or a year later.
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  I can reread the book and refresh my own passion.
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  And that's certainly something you can do.
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  But if if you don't like Christine just said, remember
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  that sometimes things are going to start to disintegrate around
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  you and you kind of have to refresh or even start over.
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  Right. Then you've done yourself a
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  disservice. Which I think.
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  She will once. They start to.
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  Leave the home. Because that's what.
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  Everyone notices it's. Chaotic when you have a.
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  Family living with you because it's not just you, it's not just
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  you and your. Husband, it's a.
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  Whole family living in your home and of course.
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  If if you. Think they're going to always
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  put things back? Where it's supposed to be.
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  They're not, and that's just something you're going to be
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  disappointed in. You want them to.
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  You hope. You hope.
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  They will. But that doesn't mean it's going
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  to happen. So all I always.
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  Tell clients is. We'll get the tools.
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  That you need. To keep the drawers organized to
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  maybe have a place where they put.
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  Their laundry. To have.
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  Systems in place to help them. Stay organized with you, but as
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  the head of the household. You're going to have to go
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  behind a little bit and do some cleaning up, even if you don't
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  want to. If.
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  That's the thing that bothers you.
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  Some people don't care. They're like.
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  I don't care. I I would be.
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  The one that. Would care so you.
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  Can't constantly complain. About it if.
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  It's something you care about and no one else does.
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  So that will drive you crazy. And I'm sure this comes as a
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  surprise to some people who don't either listen regularly to
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  this podcast or or feel like they know you where you would
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  even say you just kind of have to let it go.
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  They I'm sure there was a hope that you would say, well, here's
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  how you're going to fix. That, well, everyone thinks I
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  have the magic answer to the last question.
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  How do I get everyone to put? Stuff back.
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  Where it belongs and I. Always say this. 12. 3I.
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  Can't, because you can't. You can't.
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  Make people do. Things that they don't want to
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  do, especially. Adults, especially adults, young
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  kids, you have a chance that you can.
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  Teach them well when they're young, and teach them when you
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  take something out, you put it back in when they.
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  Get to be adults. I just think that if it's.
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  Something. That really, you're in control
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  of for yourself. You can't.
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  Control other people. I'm married to a man, a husband,
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  who is not organized. Like his wife.
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  And I struggle with that sometimes.
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  Where? I'll be like.
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  How can he not be like me? How could he not?
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  Live like me. And then I stop and think,
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  because he's not me, you know what I mean?
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  And sometimes you have to. Realize it doesn't bother.
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  Them and it bothers you so much that you're trying to change
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  them and they're never, ever going to change.
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  They may fall in line eventually, but it's not going
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  to happen. Because you.
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  You bother them, you nag them, you harp on them.
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  It'll never happen. It'll never happen.
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  I don't know why, but people seem to do the opposite.
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  When that happens, I don't know if you.
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  See that? In your own home, you know, the
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  more you harp, the more it doesn't change.
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  It's it's like backing someone into a corner.
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  I mean, even if you were to say to your kid, clean your room,
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  clean your room, no phone, no screen time.
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  It doesn't work. It's, you know, maybe it'll get
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  cleaned, doesn't mean you're going to not have to do the very
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  same thing again. And right, right.
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  So. So how does this translate to
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  every area of life? Well, it's simple.
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  You have to recognize that you can't change other people's
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  behaviors. And you can't.
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  Control how you react, how you. Respond That's a.
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  Lesson I'm do I, do I only react with calm?
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  Do I? No, I mean, we're all, we're all
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  learning, growing, changing. Right.
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  But this is a prime example of you just can't control what
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  other people are going to do. And so you have to make peace
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  with the idea that either you have to tell your husband that
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  something starts 1/2 hour earlier than it does, right?
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  And that's how you're going to get there on time.
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  Or you have to tell, you know, your kids that you know when
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  they're really, really little, that the house rule is this
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  because you know that the Internet turns off at this time?
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  Right. There there's just things you
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  might have to adjust how you do things.
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  Or. I'm going to give one example,
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  the junk drawer. OK?
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  And the reason why I always give this example is because that's
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  something everyone puts their hands in.
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  If you really. Want your junk drawer to stay
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  organized? And we put the system in place
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  with drawer organizers, which I did.
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  For you OK, if you really. Want it to.
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  Stay that way. Once a week go in there and
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  clean it out A. Little bit purge it out.
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  A little bit start. Throwing out some things that
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  you know. That just got.
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  Shoved in there. It won't.
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  Take you long, It'll take 5 minutes.
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  Now, should you do it the way I do or you hold things up and say
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  Christine would not approve of this being in the junk drawer?
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  No. No, just do it.
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  Just do it. And I always.
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  Say that like. And I'm not trying to interfere
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  in anyone's marriage. By the way.
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  I just want you to know I'm not trying to.
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  Say be deceitful. But you don't have to ask.
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  About every little screw every little.
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  Nail that shoved in the junk drawer.
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  There are some things. That you can just throw away.
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  Without asking every little opinion over.
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  I mean, if you have to be the one who runs to the hardware in
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  a pinch, that is a small price. Right, right.
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  Exactly. My bad.
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  Oops. I threw it away.
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  Exactly what you need. I'll be right back.
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  And I. Also think for.
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  Me at least. It took me till I was.
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  A certain age. Like.
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  Later in life. To realize if.
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  Something matters so much to me. This is my my thing, my issue.
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  This isn't anyone. Elses issue.
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  If I want something to be a certain way, then I will make it
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  a certain way if they're not on board.
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  With it, OK, well. They're they don't.
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  Care they can. Go to sleep at night and it
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  won't bother them at. All but it'll drive you crazy.
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  So if it drives you crazy. Then you figure.
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  Out how to make it less stressful for you also.
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  I know this is rare. But having open communication,
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  whether it's. With an adult.
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  Child whether it's. With your husband.
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  When you leave. Everything all.
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  Over the floor or you don't. Put stuff in the laundry basket.
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  Or you leave clutter all over our.
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  Bathroom sink. That's you know.
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  That we share mutually, it stresses.
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  Me out and I get very resentful because I feel like you're not
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  hearing me and you're not listening, that then I have to
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  go back and clean up after you and it really makes me resent
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  you. No one.
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  Does that because they're worried how the other person is
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  going to react, but I can tell. You this most of the time.
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  Not all the time. Most of the time you.
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  Get a good. Response from that because
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  you're not yelling, you're not screaming, you're just telling
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  them how that. Makes you feel.
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  Around clutter and things that aren't in order or organized.
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  And they may say back to you. Well, it doesn't bother me.
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  And if it bothers you, you clean it, right?
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  Right, I will. Right.
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  And but you have to do. It without being resentful, you
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  know what I mean? You're not slamming down the
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  shaving cream when you're. Right, you're not.
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  Here this goes. Here.
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  Because I think. This is such a good.
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  Lesson in what you can control and what you can't control you.
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  Can't control other. People's feelings you can't
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  control. Other people's thoughts?
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  You can't control their actions. You can only control what you
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  can control in your own mind, your own body.
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  What if everyone was like us? Or each individual you'd have a.
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  Terrible existence because you don't want everyone to be.
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  Just like you. So I think that's a big.
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  Concern in my. World because everybody.
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  Wants a simple answer on how to get everyone on board.
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  And you can't control everyone, you can only.
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  Control yourself. And that's why systems are so
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  important. Because I think a lot of people.
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  Don't have that organized brain at.
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  All you've. Established.
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  That brains my brain works differently than your.
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  Brain. Right, Right.
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  So you can't. I can't.
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  Control your brain. I can only.
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  Control to help you make it easy when you are.
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  Putting things back, whether it's in a closet or a bathroom
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  or a kitchen, but that doesn't mean in six months you won't say
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  don't be mad. Don't be upset, I think I may.
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  Need you come over just to? Give a little.
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  Refresh now that my son has moved.
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  Out or whatever people do. This all the time once they're
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  grown. Kids move out about then they're
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  like. Can you come?
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  Back over I. Want to reclaim my space, you
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  know? And we haven't talked about that
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  in a while, but that is space that you can reclaim, right?
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  We'll do an episode in the coming months to revisit that,
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  right? But for now, yeah.
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  When they're under your roof, you're in a season, you know?
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  You it is a. Season.
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  To the house and one day you'll be crying because the nest is
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  empty. And, and we'll show you why
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  that's awesome. We'll remind you about this
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  episode. Right.
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  And I also. Think when you try to control
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  every. Single situation it makes you.
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  Stressed out it makes you sick it.
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  Makes you angry. It makes you.
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  Bitter and resentful. Because you can't.
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  Control and it's. Just frustrating.
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  SO starting today, just. What can I control in this?
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  What can I do? And if it makes you happier to
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  have. An organized space.
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  Then do it. Just do it.
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  And say. Really loud in front of your
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  family boy I love. This organized drawer or this
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  organized kitchen? Pantry it just makes me feel
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  great, but don't expect. Them to do it because they're
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  not going to do. It especially adult.
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  Children. Because when my kids come home.
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  For a holiday or whatever it is. I know it's not going to change.
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  It's not going to change. I'm going to.
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  After they leave for the. Weekend, the week, I'm going to
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  have to go in there and do me. I'm going to have to clear
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  everything off and clean everything and make it.
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  How I like it OK, it used to bother me.
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  It doesn't bother me at all anymore.
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  Actually I like it because it just makes me feel like.
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  I can reclaim my space. So I love it, yeah.
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  So do what you can control. And let go of what you can't.
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  And you can apply that to so many aspects, so many aspects.
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  I was thinking along the lines that, for example, my daughter
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  has certain foods that she can't eat.
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  She brings things with her when she goes places so that she can,
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  she can't control what someone is serving.
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  Or she, she could probably request, but she's not going to,
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  you know, you can control what you can control.
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  And you can decide what it is you're going to do about that to
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  make sure that you can exist happily or peacefully within
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  those confines. I mean.
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  If you have. A significant other husband,
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  boyfriend. Whatever it is that is a.
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  Slob, we're not talking about that.
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  The reason? It's a deeper issue because
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  that. Kind of turns.
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  Into a little. Respect thing, but someone who's
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  not as clean as you? Are or likes?
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  Things a certain. Way like you do.
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  That's different because. I feel like I've seen.
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  It all in my job. So I think I.
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  See different aspects. Of what?
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  What you have to look at? When you're dealing.
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  With relationships and if you're dating.
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  And someone's like that. I call that a red flag.
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  In my opinion. Because that.
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  Does not change that's. Meaning if it's a.
• 17:14
  Slop, Yeah. But if you're dating and someone
• 17:16
  has some different. No, no, that's different.
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  I mean, someone who you walk in, it looks like, you know, a
• 17:21
  tornado. Ripped through their place, it's
• 17:24
  a red flag. You know, do you want to live
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  with someone who lives? Like that, like that's the
• 17:29
  because you can't control that you.
• 17:31
  Can't go OK unless you clean. Up this pigsty.
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  I'm not doing this and I'm not doing that.
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  Because it'll stay that way. And then it'll go.
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  Back the other way a. 100%. Because they're doing it for
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  you, but they don't. Really want to do it, you know
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  what I mean? So I think like you said, it's
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  in every aspect of life. You can only do what you can do
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  can. There it's.
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  Even in friend. Groups with other.
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  Women, you can't. Control how?
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  Much someone else drinks, you can only.
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  Control what you. Drink, you know, And you really
• 18:04
  don't learn these things till later in life, I think.
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  OK, so there you go that that was a perfect example too.
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  All right, so letting yourself get stressed out over things
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  that other people are doing or not doing in this case.
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  Right, you can. Let it go.
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  And don't look back.