Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep4: The Best of Nikki Glaser 🤣

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S2 Ep4: The Best of Nikki Glaser 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's weird.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I feel confident most of the time, but there are times where I'm like, huh.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like the other day I got jealous of a dog's thigh gap.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not proud of that.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like, how does she do it?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I have to switch to Kibble.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gotta do it.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: I also don't like the fact that when you get married as a woman, you just kind of give up your last name.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like you really, it's nice to take your husband's name, but then you're like, oh, this thing I've had my whole life, that's my whole identity that my great-grandparents came through Ellis Island with.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just throw it in the trash.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: This guy seems cool, but like that's what?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: You really like your name is nothing after you get married.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: All it is is like your shithead son's bank account security question answer.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's all your name is.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Only time it comes up, yeah.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: And he's gonna call you because he doesn't even know it.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's the one call you get from him a month.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Mom, I'm locked out my account again.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, what's your old name?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: He calls it an old name.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, you mean my maiden name?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, whatever.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, Jones.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, can you spell it?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, fucking dog.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, Jesus Christ.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Why couldn't you say a baby?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: That is weird that that's the question that they came up with.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, the banks were like, what worthless piece of information could we ask for that no one would ever know about this man to protect his finances?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: And some guy's like, what about his mother's name?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, perfect, who gives a shit, right?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: His mother's name.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Things are getting better slowly.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Last year was the brokest I've ever been.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was at a point where I was window shopping at CVS.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Has anyone been there?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, treating yourself to a trip down aisle six, just staring down a box of Tampax Pearls.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: Telling myself, someday you're gonna treat yourself like a lady.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's a true story.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: I remember looking at the price, being like, I hope I'm pregnant, and I walked out.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I do want a baby, but like I feel like most women want babies, and that's maybe why so many of us exist, because babies are so cute.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone wants one.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: They're like the puppies of humans, I've heard.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think a scientist said that once.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, it's like, and that's all you hear women say when they're gonna have kids.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, oh, we're trying for a baby.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we're gonna have a baby.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: We just had a baby, baby.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, yeah, I know, but like eventually it's just gonna be some dude named Doug.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know that, right?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's just gonna be a guy.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's always baby, but it's like it's a baby this much of the time, you know it, and then it's all Doug.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's just like no one's ever like, oh, we're having a man.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm I'm good about it.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: I take the pill um when I remember, so that's not how you're supposed to take it.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of my friend was like, why don't you do it like a diaphragm?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, are you from the 80s?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what's going on?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't really do my research on the diaphragm.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I should have asked my grandma about it, but she uses a pullout method.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I've always heard about the diaphragm on like old episodes of Seinfeld and Antiques Roadshow, and I'd never seen one, so I Google imaged it, and um the image that came up, I don't know if you guys have seen a diaphragm, but they look exactly like that toy we used to get as kids.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: That little rubber thing you flip, then you like set it on something and you wait, and then it like pops.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know what those are called.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think they're diaphragms, guys.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't know how you put them in.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: That seems weird.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you would just flip it and then set it down and then like hover over it and like wait.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I I remember once this guy was giving me a really good Rogering, and at some point, yeah, I'm bringing that back.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds classy, right?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Good Rogering.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds like he courted me or something.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: He did it.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds like I knew his name.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: And it uh wasn't Roger.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh it was Phil, but saying he gave me a good filling doesn't have quite the connotation that I like, so Rogering sounds nice.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's the thing.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Girls, we can't be like, I got fucked.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: We have to like come up with like euphemisms.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: My least favorite of which is uh fooled around.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Let's stop saying that.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: My friend the other day was like, Josh and I, we just fooled around.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, ugh, what did he like get your nose?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Did you guys like hit in the tickle fight?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Did he pull a quarter out of your vagina at some point?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, he did, okay.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Well then that's fooling around.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: You have it.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I am like obsessed with talking about sex.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: I apologize if it's not your thing, but like, come on, it's like so fun.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, like we're all having sex, but we don't really like talk about it.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we'll be like, oh yeah, I've had sex before.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we'll admit that, but we won't be like, oh yeah, I've been like, but that's like what you look like.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: No one admits that.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, no, I look cooler.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, you don't.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: You're just like, like, that's it's just a bunch of like skin, like shaking.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's so gross.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: And you all look like it, we all do, but like, the only thing that like differentiates us is like we put on clothes and we're like, nope, I've never done that.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: What's going on?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, as soon as you're not naked, you can be like, no, I don't do that.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a princess.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's what's separating us, is just clothes.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you can give like a sloppy blowjob and put on like some jeans and a tank top and be like, I've never sucked a dick in my life.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Nope, not me.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, yes, you have.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: If you want a tank top, male or female, you'd suck some dicks.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's just a fact of tank tops, I think.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Pregnant women are my favorite because you're like, uh no, you doing it.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like, hey, you got stuffed.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: You got stuffed, like, you know it.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, and then you oh, you can find out like exactly when she had sex.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, all you have to do is ask, like, when are you due, or pretend you care, or whatever.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then you just do some light math and you count back nine months and you're like, July.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: You were just like, uh, like in July, you are getting it.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: You love it.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I love that.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's the thing about being pregnant.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you, if you tell your parents you're pregnant, like you're pretty much like, Dad, Chris came inside me.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Come here.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: I kept it in.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like this.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: He thinks I'm like, you know, just this, I'm being this version of a girl that he's gonna fall in love with.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm clean and and nice, and I've never done anal.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm just like this pure, and I have.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um not like a ton, but like he asked me if I've done it, and of course I said no.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna be like, yeah, I'm a huge butt whore.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna like say, never done it.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I know a lot of people in here are like, no, I would never do it.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because I used to be that way, and then I did coke.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: And no.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: You are missing out.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: You should do it, but if you don't want to do it, girls, uh, instead of being like, no, it's gross, I think you should go the other way and like seem super into it, like too into it.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's the way that's the best.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Just be like, yeah, we should.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I would love it because I like love pooping.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: So if you say it that way, like really sell it.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's gross, but be like, I love it going out, so I'll probably love it going in.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, get in there, cowboy.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Call him cowboy, just freak him out.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: He'll leave you.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: So you'll never have to do it.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, I don't know why I'm eager to have sex again, because I don't think I'm good at it.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: I recently had to have phone sex uh to talk down my Verizon bill and um do what you gotta do, and uh, I'm not good at it.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm uh, because you have to like it be creative in the moment.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: It comes out of nowhere, like talk dirty, and I'm like, I have a vagina, just like stating facts.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, What are you doing?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm just laying here.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And that's all I did, because that's all I did.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: That's all I do.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_02: I just lay back and get it.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I I've only had really two serious boyfriends in my life, and the the first one definitely uh did not say it on his own.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: He um he was a blackout drunk with a twin bed, and um that second part's not really that important.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: I just kind of want to paint a picture.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um he had a twin bed, he was 30 with a twin bed, and I would be like, Can you upgrade to a full so I feel like a woman?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: And um, that's all it takes, you know?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: And and he was like, No, it's an extra long twin.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, ooh, a California twin.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, am I Rihanna?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: So he uh he would get blackout drunk all the time.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: We were long distance.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: He would make he would get caught making out with girls in bars back home where I was from.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: My friends would see him, they'd call me, tell me about it.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'd call him the next day and be like, what the fuck?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, I thought it was you, and I was like, Aww, like I was flatter.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Was she skinny?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, ugh.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: So he was he came to visit me for Valentine's Day, and I was like, oh my god, he's so gonna say I love you.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: This is the trip.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I got ready, I told all my friends, I'm like, this is it, and it was a great night.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we went to this fancy dinner that I paid for, and then we were like in this alley, and like I was rubbing his back as he vomited, and it was just like everything I'd wanted.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: And he just got really sick and passed out, and I was like, oh my god, like he didn't say I love you.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think he may have said I hate you.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it was the worst time, but I was like, wait a second, when he gets blackout drunk, he doesn't remember anything he does or says.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll just make last night whatever I want it to be.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: So this is true.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: I swear to God, I woke him up the next morning and I was like, hey, do you remember what you said to me last night?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, No, I'm sorry, what?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, no, you told me you love me.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, I did, and I was like, yeah.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, okay.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: And that's it.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: He started saying it after that.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's I date raped my boyfriend into loving me.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I did.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: I took back tonight.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: I quit flossing recently.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: My dentist recommended it after I blew him.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so here's the thing.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: I have always had big teeth.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's probably the reason I'm a comedian.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Before I got braces, I had buck teeth.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: And in middle school, people used to be like, Glazer, you're a beaver.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd be like, a vagina?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: And they were like, What?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: No, the gross animal in the why are you excited about being a vagina?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I'm just psyched someone's talking to me, and then I'd go cry.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I have a complex about my teeth, and they're still big.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I told my friends this before I gave a blow jump.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm gonna scrape some D.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: I know it.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: And they, yeah, it's the bad kind of essay D.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I did.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: I asked my friends for advice, and they gave me the worst.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: They were like, just no, you won't be bad.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Just go out, ah, I'm gonna do it.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: And cover those dick scrapers up.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: I thought it was a brilliant idea.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I started doing that all not all over town, but I uh I I went from town to town.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: It was like a tour that I did, and um wasn't getting any callbacks for the toothless turtle blow job.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Not a popular look.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know you guys like watched us.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: I kind of thought we were like on our own down there.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And until one time a guy was like, hey Nick, uh you kind of look like my nana right now, and it's freaking me out.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't called her in a while, and I didn't hear him, I was like, what's up, Shiny?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: And his name was Sunny, it was just a coincidence.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um