Latest / The Christy-Faith Show / Ep. 91 - The Secret to Making Childhood Memories

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Ep. 91 - The Secret to Making Childhood Memories · The Christy-Faith Show

• 0:00
  Christy-Faith: What if I told you that everything you're killing yourself over this holiday season, your kids probably won't remember? I know. That made me wanna chuck that advent calendar across the room too. All the blood, sweat, and tears when my kids were toddlers trying to make the perfect holiday for them. But here's what researchers studying childhood memory have discovered.
• 0:22
  And when I read this, it changed everything I thought I knew about how to make the holidays magical. Most of us can't remember anything before age seven or eight. It's called childhood amnesia, and it's completely normal brain development. The matching pajamas, your toddler won't remember them. The elaborate elf on the shelf setup that you stayed up until midnight creating won't remember.
• 0:45
  Does anyone even do elf on shelf anymore? I just hear moms complaining about it. I've never done it, but I know it's a big thing. The color coordinated tree, the perfectly wrapped presents, the hand stitched stockings that you cried over because they just weren't turning out how you wanted them to? None of it.
• 1:01
  But here's what got me, and this is what I needed to hear, so maybe you need to hear it too. There are three specific things that get past the memory barrier. Three things that actually stick. And I'm guessing that at least two of them aren't even on your radar right now. I know they weren't on mine.
• 1:17
  And listen, we're coming up on the holiday season right now. And if you're stretched so thin right now going into the holidays and you can barely even breathe, I want you to know that I see you racing through the holidays in a blur. Physically there, but mentally somewhere else. Already thinking about the next thing, the next task, the next cleanup, the photos that you need to take. So many of us are working so hard to create the magic for our kids that we're completely missing it.
• 1:46
  And I've been here so many times where I'm just going through the motions, but not feeling the joy. And then there's this fear that keeps us all up at night. What if our kids remember us as a stretched out short-tempered mom instead of a joy filled one? One that can savor moments and love this beautiful life and our beautiful kids and our families. Friend, if that's you, I need you to stay with me today because what I'm about to share will set you free.
• 2:11
  I'm Christy Faith, and this show is where we cut through the noise and we get to what actually matters in parenting and education. Every week, I bring you research backed truth that challenges the status quo and gives you permission to do things differently. Because the way society is living life out there, I don't know about you, but that's stressful. I don't want it. Today, we're talking about what the science says our kids will actually remember about the holiday season and what particular things we can just skip to get our family time back.
• 2:41
  Because here's the truth, and this is the gut that we all have. We know these years with our kiddos, they go fast. As they say, the days are long and the years are short. Now that I have older kids, man, I am living that reality today. And society's lies about what makes a good mom at Christmas, they're stealing our joy, and they're robbing our kids of the one thing that they actually want, you.
• 3:04
  I can't tell you how in alignment with me this show is today because I am all about equipping, empowering, and pouring into the secret sauce of homeschooling, which are mothers. Our kids want us and not the burnt out version of us, the real us. This is a show I needed. I hope you need it too. Stick with me.
• 3:33
  Okay. So here's what we need to understand first. Because this right here, this little nugget is gonna give you so much relief. Seriously, though. The human brain is physically incapable of storing most early memories, and there's a term for it.
• 3:46
  It's called childhood amnesia, and it's a scientific y term. Yes. It is. And it explains why we can't remember most things before ages seven or eight. And some people can't remember anything before the age of 10, and it's still considered normal.
• 4:00
  But think about it. What's your earliest memory? If you're like most people, it's not much before elementary school. And even those early memories, they're probably snapshots more than anything else, like a feeling, a moment, not the whole event. Here's what researchers found.
• 4:15
  The brain structures responsible for storing long term memories, specifically the hippocampus, aren't fully developed until kids are older. They're forming, they're building, they're not reliably storing yet. So if you have a toddler or a preschooler and you're killing yourself trying to make Christmas perfect, I'm so calling myself out here when my kids were younger, they're not gonna remember most of it. And it's not because we didn't do enough or you're not doing enough right now. It's because their brains literally can't hold it because their brains are still developing.
• 4:45
  Now before you think, oh, great. So now nothing matters. Stop right there because it's not what I'm saying at all because here's where it gets interesting. While kids only remember about three to five specific events before the age of 10, they do remember something else, something more important. They remember how they felt.
• 5:03
  They remember the emotional atmosphere of their childhood. They remember if they felt safe, loved, and seen. And here's the kicker. The things that create those feelings, they're not the things that most of us are stressing about. Let me give you an example.
• 5:18
  One of my kids' favorite Christmas memories was the year that I bought several books to surprise them, and we did read alouds altogether as a family. The cool thing about that is I wrapped the books like they were presents, and we opened them with our advent calendar. It was pretty easy to pull off. I just ordered the books on Amazon and wrapped them real quick. And that's one of their core Christmas memories.
• 5:38
  And it's not necessarily because of everything I did to pull something elaborate off, it's because of how they felt. They felt our presence. They felt the novelty of doing something new, and they felt the connection of being together. And books are always fun because brand new stories are exciting. But you know what I did for too many years and a lot of us are doing this instead?
• 5:57
  We're creating chaos. We're creating stress, and we're creating pressure. And then we wonder why and are sad about the fact that Christmas feels like a blur. And everyone, including us, the parents, were exhausted and cranky by December 26, which in my house is my husband's birthday. It actually gives us something to look forward to the day after Christmas.
• 6:18
  So I want you to ask yourself something right now. What are you doing this Christmas that's creating more work instead of connection? What traditions have you said yes to that are actually stealing your presence and your peace? What's on your list that future you and your future kids won't even remember, but present you is drowning under. Girl, write it down.
• 6:40
  I'm serious. Pause this right now and write it down. You're gonna think this is crazy, but several years ago, I stopped doing holiday cards. Just getting my address book organized together, sorted, and filtered out was just so much work for me during the holidays, and I was completely stressed out. So yes, I hope you're writing that down right now because here's what I'm about to show you.
• 7:03
  We're gonna talk about how to create the memories that actually stick. The ones your kids will carry into adulthood without burning yourself out because there is a formula and it's really cool. But first, we need to talk about something that's probably happening in your home right now, and you don't even realize it. Something that's not just stealing your joy, but it's literally blocking your kid's ability to form the memories that you're working so hard to create. We'll get into that right after this.
• 7:29
  As a homeschool mom who values a family together approach and leans towards the classical and Charlotte Mason styles, I often struggle to bring my educational vision to life with my kids' diverse ages and learning needs. With all our interests and super packed schedule, bridging that gap between the dreamy homeschool I want and reality, I gotta be honest. It's a challenge. Now, yes, I know perfection isn't the goal. But if you're listening and you could use a little easing of your mental load in your day to day, I found a resource that has become the quiet hero of our routine, and it could be a really great option for you too.
• 8:01
  BJU Press homeschool curriculum. Now many think that BJU Press homeschool is solely an all in one option, and though it does excel in that role, did you know you can also opt for specific courses and tailor them to fit your family's needs just as I have? BGU Press Homeschool provides the perfect balance of structure and flexibility and easily complements my family's mixed age family together on the couch learning style. They are second to none in integrating a biblical worldview, stimulating critical thinking, and offering tons of hands on activities in the lessons. To find out how BJU Press Homeschool can come alongside you in your homeschooling goals too.
• 8:39
  Visit bjupresshomeschool.com or click the link in the show notes. Before we continue, I wanna share with you a program that's been a game changer for our homeschool. At our center, we instructed and helped kids through pretty much every math program on the market and know firsthand just how important a solid math foundation is for our kids' futures. As a career educator with high standards, finding the right program that checked all the boxes felt like too tall of an order until one day I tried CTC Math. CTC Math is an online math curriculum for k to 12 students with motivating interactive lessons that allow kids to learn at their own pace.
• 9:13
  It does all the teaching and grading so you don't have to, and their adaptive lessons adjust so your child is progressing confidently. With CTC Math, your child is getting a top notch education and you just made your homeschool life easier. Visit ctcmath.com to start your free trial today or click the link in the show notes. Okay. Before we dive deeper into the memory research, I need to tell you about something that has completely changed our family's financial stress.
• 9:38
  Are you feeling financial stress right now? A lot of Americans are. If you're like most families, health care costs are crushing you. Traditional insurance premiums keep going up, deductibles are insane, and you're probably paying thousands for coverage that you don't even use. That's why our family uses Summit HealthShare.
• 9:56
  And let me tell you, I am so passionate about HealthShares. They are such the way to go. They are the future. Here's how it works. Instead of insurance, you're part of a community where members share each other's medical costs.
• 10:08
  We were paying $2,000 a month for traditional health insurance, and we were able to shave off a thousand dollars a month when we moved to health sharing. And get this, when we moved to Summit HealthShare, we actually have better care because there those network restrictions. We can see any doctor we want, and that includes holistic and alternative medicine. And when we do have a medical expense, it gets shared. We're not fighting with insurance companies, and we're not hitting brick walls with denials.
• 10:36
  Now I know what you're thinking. Isn't health care sharing just for religious people? The answer is no. Summit HealthShare is open to everyone, and here's what I love most. They have programs specifically for people with preexisting conditions.
• 10:49
  Listen. If you're tired of paying a mortgage sized premium for all this insurance that you probably aren't even using, go to summithealthshare.com. I'll put a link in the show notes. It's one of the smartest financial decisions we've ever made as a family, and we're so thankful that we made the move. So go ahead and check that out.
• 11:06
  I'll put the link in the show notes. Okay. Back to what our kids will actually remember this holiday season. And if you're new here, hi, I'm Christy Faith. I'm a homeschool mom of four, an education researcher, and the founder of Thrive Homeschool Community.
• 11:19
  I also wrote a book called Homeschool Rising, and my main thing is helping you be a more confident homeschooler, and I love doing it. Thrive Homeschool Community is where you get all the training and advising and community that you need to give your kids the best education possible. It's a nationwide online community. You have access to experts in there. And I was just on a Zoom last night, and so many of the ladies on there were expressing that they could not even imagine homeschooling without this group.
• 11:46
  Now Thrive Homeschool Community isn't always open, but I'll put a link in the show notes because if it's currently closed, please do get on the waitlist because we let the waitlisters know a little bit early. Spots are limited when we do open. We are about to open up Thrive so that the January homeschool starters can get the training that they need, So make sure to get on the wait list so you get a notification when we do open. This time around, we're only gonna open to about 30 people. So if you've been stalking the Thrive page, which a lot of you say that you that's what you do before you join, this will be the time.
• 12:18
  No pressure. If it's not for you, it's not for you. But it is for us. We love it. It's pretty amazing in there.
• 12:23
  Okay. So we've now established that most of the stuff that all of us are doing, driving us crazy in the holidays, our kids won't remember anyway. But here's where it gets worse. Okay. It's gonna get worse before it gets better.
• 12:35
  I promise. But you need to hear this part. And please know that I am in this with you right now. Okay? So here is kind of the truth bomb that might hurt because it hurt my soul.
• 12:44
  Our stress is contagious and not metaphorically. Not kids pick up on vibes. I mean, literally, biologically, measurably contagious. Researchers who study parent child stress found something fascinating and honestly a little bit terrifying. When we're stressed, a lot of us know this already, our body releases cortisol, and that's our stress hormone.
• 13:08
  And here's what they discovered about it. Our kids' cortisol levels rise when ours rise. Even when we think we're hiding it, even when we're holding it all together, and even when we're smiling on the outside. Oh, man. This cuts deep today.
• 13:22
  I was so stressed out yesterday. Their little bodies are literally syncing with ours. Studies done during the pandemic in Quebec measured cortisol levels in parent child pairs, and what they found was undeniable. When parents' stress went up, kids' stress went up every single time. So here's what this means for Christmas and the holiday season.
• 13:44
  Every time we're racing around stressed, saying yes to one more thing that we really don't have time for, staying up late to make something losing sleep, being tired the next day, and then finding it really hard to then not snap at our kids because we're overwhelmed, you're not just stealing your joy for the sake of making the holidays magical for them. You're flooding their little bodies with stress hormones too. And this is the part that made me wanna burn my Pinterest boards and cancel half of my Christmas plans. Stress blocks memory formation. I'll say it again.
• 14:15
  Because I had to be like, wait. Wait. What? Yes. Stress blocks memory formation, and we'll talk about exactly how after the break.
• 14:23
  But don't worry. There's hope at the end of this episode. I promise. My whole point is to have us all stop working ourselves to death, and there is a formula for what makes joy and memories in our kids, and I'm gonna give it to you. I promise.
• 14:36
  I really feel bad for all these teasers, but we'll get to it when we come back. Is your child struggling with attention, memory, reading, writing, or math? If you're experiencing this, you know how heart wrenching it is to watch them face these hurdles. You've poured love, time, and attention into their education, yet the struggle persists, leaving you feeling stuck and desperately searching for answers. You guys, I want you to know about LearningRx, a proven program designed to help your child's cognitive skills, enabling them to think faster, learn more easily, and perform at their best.
• 15:07
  I'm talking getting real long term help here with things like ADHD and dyslexia. LearningRx is backed by thirty five years of research, and their results are transformative. Use code home 50 for $50 off your cognitive skills assessment. Go to learningrx.com or click the link in the show notes. Think homeschooling means doing it all yourself?
• 15:26
  Let me stop you right there. If you're looking for a partner you can trust, one I trust with my own kids, check out True North Homeschool Academy. They're Cognia accredited and offer live online classes and flexible self paced options for grades six through 12. Your teen can pursue a dual degree track or a tech and trades diploma all with teachers who share your family values. Small classes, college ready rigor, real world skills, and it all fits your schedule in a faith friendly environment.
• 15:55
  Ready to learn more? Head to truenorthhomeschool.academy or click the link in the show notes to explore courses and get started today. Okay. So before the break, I told you that our stress is contagious. It's literally flooding our kids' bodies with cortisol and that high cortisol levels block memory formation.
• 16:13
  Let me explain how. The hippocampus, that's the part of the brain responsible for forming and storing memories, is extremely sensitive to stress hormones. When cortisol levels are high, the hippocampus basically goes into survival mode. It's focused on keeping you safe and alert in danger. It's not focused on creating those beautiful core memories, the hot cocoa and the Christmas lights.
• 16:36
  But think about it. Have you ever been so stressed that later you couldn't remember how you got from point a to point b? Or you couldn't remember what someone just said to you? That's cortisol doing its job, prioritizing survival over memory. So here's where we land the plane.
• 16:50
  If we're running ourselves ragged every holiday season trying to create the perfect Christmas moments for our kids, and we're stressed and overwhelmed doing it, racing through the days, snapping at our kids, trying to fit it all in, we could be creating an environment where the memories actually can't form both for you and your kids. All that effort, all that work, all those late nights, and your kids' brains are in survival mode, not memory making mode. This was a wake up call to me, you guys. I'm gonna make some changes, and here's some good news. And I promised you good news, and it is here.
• 17:26
  Okay? The solution to all of this is simpler than you think, and it's easier than what you're doing now. I promise, and it actually works. Before I give you the formula, we've got a little business to attend to real quick. This will take you thirty seconds.
• 17:40
  My regular listeners, this is your cue. If this episode is hitting home at all or you're finding any value in it at all, will you do me a favor and hit that like button or follow me on whatever platform you're listening on right now? Or make a comment or ask a question, engage somehow, send this to a friend. I'm sure you have other friends who are stressed out and dreading the holidays. If they'll be encouraged by this episode, feel free to send it to them.
• 18:02
  And the reason why I'm asking you is because the people who control how far this show gets a reach are not people at all. They're little robots behind the screen. They're the algorithms, And we gotta speak their language. I wish we didn't, but we do. And we read all the comments, and I really appreciate them.
• 18:19
  I love the feedback. Sometimes I'm just all alone and isolated in writing mode and in filming mode, and I feel like I'm not in touch with you guys. So it actually helps me personally as well, and I absolutely love it. So thank you so much for anything that you're doing right now, whether it's the stars or the comments or anything. I really appreciate it.
• 18:35
  And another mom will too. And maybe, just maybe, she will get the help that she needs today because of your engagement with the show. So thank you so much. Okay. Let's get to the part that we've all been waiting for.
• 18:46
  The formula. Yay. There really is a formula. So we know a lot of the things that we do, our kids won't remember. We also know that a lot of our stress is sabotaging the memories that we're trying to create.
• 18:58
  So here's the question. What actually works? What creates the memories that stick? Those core memories, the ones that our kids will carry with them into their adulthood. Well, researchers who study childhood memory found something fascinating.
• 19:10
  The memories that last, the ones that break through child amnesia and stick for decades, all have three specific ingredients. This is so cool. And the best part is these ingredients are way easier, way more fun than anything you're currently killing yourself over. You don't need Pinterest. You don't need expensive traditions.
• 19:29
  You don't need the matching outfits, and you don't need to stay up till midnight to make things perfect. The three ingredient formula for creating memories that last is presence plus novelty plus connection equal lasting memories. That's it. Let me break down each one. Ingredient one, presence.
• 19:46
  This is about being mentally and emotionally available for our kids, just physically in the room. Our kids don't need us to do more. They need us to be more, meaning present more, more engaged, more there, more with them, enjoying them, delighting in them. For a lot of us, it's gonna mean putting our phone down, trying to control our thoughts so that our mind isn't constantly on the next task, and we're not even in the present moment at all. It's about making eye contact.
• 20:13
  It's about responding when they talk. It's about noticing them. And I know this is hard, especially when all of us have 17,000 things on our to do list. But here's the truth. Kids would rather have ten minutes of your full undivided joyful attention than two hours of being physically present but mentally somewhere else.
• 20:31
  And listen, this doesn't mean that you need to be perfect all the time, perfectly present twenty four seven. That's not what we're saying here. That's not realistic, and it's not the goal even. And so what we can do this holiday season is build in pockets of time where we are just fully there. No multitasking, no phone, no running to do list in our head, just you and them.
• 20:52
  That's what they'll remember. Ingredient number two, novelty. This is about creating experiences that stand out. Something different, something unexpected, something that breaks the routine. Now notice, I didn't say expensive.
• 21:06
  I didn't say elaborate. I didn't say Pinterest perfect. I said different. Novelty can be breakfast for dinner on Christmas Eve, a spontaneous drive to look at lights, making snow angels in your pajamas, that would be wet. Having a living room camp out, baking cookies at midnight.
• 21:22
  It's not about the cost, it's about the surprise. You're breaking an expected pattern and creating a moment that stands out. Now a lot of you aren't spontaneous moms. I know I'm not. So I actually plan the spontaneity, and then I surprise the kids with it.
• 21:36
  So I didn't grow up with a lot of resources. We didn't have a lot of money growing up. A great memory that I have is my mom picking me up from school and driving me home. And then she was driving and she started saying, oh, no. The car's getting out of control.
• 21:48
  Oh, I can't control the steering. And at first, I got a little bit scared, but I saw the smile on her face. And she goes, oh, no. Where's the car going? And then all of sudden, we turn into a parking lot, and she goes, the car wants ice cream.
• 22:00
  And then there we were right in front of thirty one flavors. I think they call it Baskin Robbins now. It used to be called thirty one flavors. And then it was just such a fun memory. And she did it maybe once a year, once every two years growing up.
• 22:12
  I remember it to this day. And we had a whole moment with the ice cream and the giggles and the time together, and she was fully present. And it's a wonderful memory. Look, that now I've carried into my adulthood. And with my own kids, I have the cargo out of control on certain things too with them.
• 22:28
  And then I'm able to talk about that wonderful childhood memory from my childhood. I loved it then, and they love it now. And the third ingredient is connection, and this is the secret sauce. This is what turns a moment into a core memory. Connection means you're laughing together.
• 22:42
  You're talking about real things. You're sharing emotions. You're making eye contact. You're creating a feeling of togetherness where your kids feel safe. Because kids don't remember a lot of things, they remember feelings.
• 22:55
  They remember what it's like to be with you, to feel seen by you, to feel like they matter to you. And what blocks that connection? Stress, distraction, performance pressure, and the need to make everything feel perfect. You can't connect when you're racing. You can't connect when you're worried about how things look, and you can't connect when you're focused on the outcome instead of the person.
• 23:17
  But when you slow down, when you breathe, when you look at your kids, that's connection. And that's what they're gonna remember. So let's put it all together. Presence plus novelty plus connection equals memories that last. It's a mathematical equation.
• 23:33
  See how simple it is? We don't need elaborate plans all the time. We don't need to spend tons of money. We don't need to be perfect. We just need to be present, interject some wonderful surprises for our kids, and make that connection with them.
• 23:46
  Okay. So we've talked about what most of us are killing ourselves over. Our kids probably won't remember anyway because of childhood amnesia. We've talked about how our stress is contagious. This one hurt.
• 23:57
  It cut deep and actually blocks memory formation in our kids. And we talked about the three ingredient magical formula for what makes memories stick with our kids. Presence, novelty, and connection. Now here's our action plan. Okay?
• 24:13
  I think we all need to audit our Christmas plans. I know I'm gonna do that. Let's go through our list, everything that we were gonna do, everything that we've said yes to, and ask ourselves this question. Will this thing create connection, or will this just create more work? And be honest, that elaborate cookie exchange, will it create connection or just create work?
• 24:35
  Matching pajamas for the whole family that last year cost me hundreds of dollars, connection or work? 17 side dishes at the Christmas dinner, connection or work? If it's just creating work, if it's stealing your presence and your peace, and if it's adding stress instead of joy, it needs to go on the chopping block, ladies. Let it go. You have permission now, and it's research backed permission.
• 24:58
  So say no to a lot more than you think you were going to, skip the traditions that don't serve your family, and choose presence over performance. Because our kids are gonna remember how they feel being with you. Gonna remember your laugh. They're gonna remember your smile, and they're gonna remember your full attention. They're gonna remember the feeling of being loved and seen and delighted in, and that doesn't cost any money.
• 25:21
  So choose wisely, friends. Take those holidays back. I don't want you thinking on Christmas morning, where did the holiday season go? I've been there so many times. I'm done with it.
• 25:31
  If you wanna remember this formula, I have a beautiful gift for you today, and it's a printable note card that you can put on your car dashboard, on your mirror, or even on your coffee maker that will remind you of this formula. I put a link in the show notes. It's a quick download. You can just print it out, cut it out, and then have a little note card to remind you of what matters this holiday season. And if this show resonated with you, I'm gonna put a couple of other shows in the show notes for you to watch after this one with related topics.
• 25:59
  Thanks for joining me today. I'll see you next week.