Latest / Alpha Men Podcast / Alpha Men Podcast Season 5 Ep. 14

Transcript

Alpha Men Podcast Season 5 Ep. 14 · Alpha Men Podcast

0:00
SPEAKER_02: Announcement, ladies and gentlemen.
0:02
SPEAKER_00: TJ Michaels and John Stacy invite you on a roller coaster ride of Machismo on the Alpha Men Podcast.
10:28
SPEAKER_05: Turn it out too much, red light, couple of beers on a wild late night.
10:37
SPEAKER_05: They hear record, kick the door, laughing as they voice the floor.
10:42
SPEAKER_06: No scripts, just truth.
10:45
SPEAKER_06: Talking like they're in your living room.
10:48
SPEAKER_06: Every shot straight from the chest.
12:21
SPEAKER_04: This is the Alpha Men Podcast, season five.
12:25
SPEAKER_04: Uh episode 13?
12:27
SPEAKER_04: Episode 14?
12:28
SPEAKER_04: 14! Episode I lose track.
12:31
SPEAKER_04: I really, really do.
12:32
SPEAKER_04: Uh my partner in crime is John Stacy.
12:34
SPEAKER_04: He's from Trinity, North Carolina.
12:36
SPEAKER_04: And uh we want to welcome you to the uh show this week.
12:39
SPEAKER_04: We forget to do this every week, so I'm gonna I'm right out of the chute.
12:42
SPEAKER_04: I'm just gonna we're gonna start.
12:44
SPEAKER_04: We're gonna We're gonna crack the crack the beer.
12:47
SPEAKER_04: Um uh I got most and triple X tonight, alright?
12:50
SPEAKER_09: I got I got Daniel's Southern Beach.
12:54
SPEAKER_04: There you go.
12:55
SPEAKER_04: Alrighty, uh, we have got all kinds of things happening.
12:58
SPEAKER_04: Post-Mother's Day edition of the show.
13:00
SPEAKER_04: Uh you do you take care of mama for the um for the big Mother's Day holiday?
13:04
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, I took her out shopping, brought her uh brought her out to dinner.
13:10
SPEAKER_04: So I um I I re I have realized in the past month that the women who live in my house are con artists.
13:17
SPEAKER_04: They really are.
13:19
SPEAKER_04: Not that they don't deserve to be loved and showered and admired, and they are.
13:25
SPEAKER_04: However, uh my 23-year-old on April 30th, uh it was her birthday.
13:32
SPEAKER_04: And for years and years and years we've always done the hey, you know, here's here's the money, and it's you know, we we get the kids their gifts and we talk about what they are, and um my 23-year-old all of a sudden this year um said, um, dad, I want a gift from you.
13:50
SPEAKER_04: I I've kind of noticed that when my birthday and Christmas comes along, I open my gift, and sometimes you're just as shocked to see what it is that I am.
13:58
SPEAKER_04: Alright?
13:59
SPEAKER_04: Not that not that I don't you know I don't contribute and pay for it and everything else.
14:04
SPEAKER_04: Right?
14:05
SPEAKER_04: And I just come to find out that it was just a way of extorting another present out of me.
14:12
SPEAKER_04: That works.
14:13
SPEAKER_04: And because I'm dad, I did it.
14:15
SPEAKER_04: You know?
14:16
SPEAKER_04: So uh she's going on we're we're going on a family Disney cruise uh with her and boy.
14:27
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
14:28
SPEAKER_04: Uh we're going on a Family Disney cruise with her and her boyfriend and her boyfriend's parents.
14:33
SPEAKER_09: Why don't you guys take me on these things?
14:35
SPEAKER_09: So I guess you've been with you longer.
14:37
SPEAKER_09: I've been with you longer than your kid's been alive.
14:39
SPEAKER_04: I know.
14:41
SPEAKER_04: I know, I know.
14:42
SPEAKER_04: But uh here's the deal.
14:43
SPEAKER_04: I have talked to your wife about it.
14:45
SPEAKER_04: You know, just say it.
14:47
SPEAKER_04: Uh nonetheless, I I got her a uh a Disney cruise card for our cruise.
14:53
SPEAKER_04: So that's you know, to kind of do that.
14:55
SPEAKER_04: But then Mother's Day comes along.
14:57
SPEAKER_04: And you notice I said the women in my house are con artists.
15:01
SPEAKER_04: So we're getting ready for this cruise, and my wife is all about, oh, do we have the door hangers and do we do this, that, and the other thing, and I need the fan, and you know, she's searching Amazon for Disney cruise things and all this other stuff, and right?
15:14
SPEAKER_04: She comes across mog bags.
15:19
SPEAKER_04: Have you seen these?
15:22
SPEAKER_04: Mog bags.
15:23
SPEAKER_04: They're beach bags.
15:25
SPEAKER_04: And they're made and they're made out of the material.
15:28
SPEAKER_04: Oh yeah, my Ellie's got one.
15:30
SPEAKER_04: Right, that crocs are made out of.
15:32
SPEAKER_04: Right?
15:34
SPEAKER_04: Right, yeah, no, no, absolutely.
15:37
SPEAKER_04: Right?
15:37
SPEAKER_04: This is a this is a handbag that is made out of what crocs are made out of.
15:42
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
15:43
SPEAKER_04: The shoes.
15:44
SPEAKER_04: It's like that phony stuff, right?
15:47
SPEAKER_04: It is a vacuum-formed purse, basically.
15:52
SPEAKER_04: Alright?
15:52
SPEAKER_04: That probably costs about six bucks to manufacture.
15:56
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
15:59
SPEAKER_04: So she says to me, I really want one of these for Mother's Day.
16:02
SPEAKER_04: And I already she already told me I'm getting the sandals for Mother for Mother's Day.
16:08
SPEAKER_04: She sent me sandals if she wanted them.
16:09
SPEAKER_04: I got those.
16:10
SPEAKER_04: I got her flowers, I got her card.
16:13
SPEAKER_04: I'm thinking, Dude, we're gonna go out to dinner.
16:17
SPEAKER_04: I'm all out of here.
16:18
SPEAKER_04: I'm a hero! This is great! I really want the bag.
16:23
SPEAKER_04: You wanna go down to the exporting goods and look at them?
16:27
SPEAKER_04: You know what your wife says when she says we're just gonna look at 'em.
16:36
SPEAKER_04: So we're gonna have to do it.
16:38
SPEAKER_04: We're gonna have the exporting good sporting.
17:06
SPEAKER_04: Right.
17:07
SPEAKER_04: Forty dollars.
17:10
SPEAKER_04: Okay, doing the math, and I'm like Okay, the large bag is eighty dollars, the medium bag is sixty dollars, the travel bag is forty dollars.
17:22
SPEAKER_04: Holy crap! And I bought her a forty dollar pair of sandals, and and I'm going through all of this in my hand, and I'm like, the cash register's going through this.
17:32
SPEAKER_04: I love them both.
17:33
SPEAKER_09: I just I took a I took a hand.
17:36
SPEAKER_04: I'm not saying they don't deserve it.
17:38
SPEAKER_04: I'm just saying, I here's here's the analogy I made to her, okay?
17:42
SPEAKER_04: I said, it would be like me going and buying gold-plated microphone cables.
17:48
SPEAKER_04: Okay?
17:49
SPEAKER_04: Because they don't really they don't really work any better than the regular regular microphone cable.
17:57
SPEAKER_04: It's usually they're gold plated, so they're like a hundred times more expensive.
18:03
SPEAKER_04: You know?
18:04
SPEAKER_04: So anyway.
18:05
SPEAKER_04: It's been a week.
18:06
SPEAKER_04: It's been a week.
18:07
SPEAKER_04: And then I and then I took around for lunch.
18:10
SPEAKER_04: So I took out my time.
18:14
SPEAKER_09: American Eagle and Alta Beauty, and then uh we went to Texas Red House.
18:18
SPEAKER_09: I spent all over 600 bucks.
18:22
SPEAKER_04: Just uh I'm not even anywhere close.
18:26
SPEAKER_04: I guess I guess I should I guess I should be thankful.
18:31
SPEAKER_04: Here's the deal.
18:32
SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna go down after this show, and she's gonna look at me and go, You mean John spent$600 on her?
18:36
SPEAKER_04: You are such a loser.
18:38
SPEAKER_04: That's what she's gonna do.
18:41
SPEAKER_09: Sorry, Michelle, you picked the wrong guy.
18:43
SPEAKER_04: It has been a week.
18:45
SPEAKER_04: Um, you know, the Pentagon this week, the big story is releasing the classified UFO files.
18:51
SPEAKER_04: Have you seen that?
18:52
SPEAKER_04: I've been looking at them, they're blurry, but I've been looking at them.
18:55
SPEAKER_04: Uh like they there's a lot of a lot of internet folks that are already ripping through these all of these files.
19:01
SPEAKER_04: And there's something like 86 pictures and photos, videos, and then all of this other stuff.
19:08
SPEAKER_04: And um the internet sleuths are already uh they've already come up with a bunch of stuff.
19:16
SPEAKER_04: Like E.T.
19:18
SPEAKER_04: uh was on Epstein's plane.
19:21
SPEAKER_04: I learned that this week.
19:22
SPEAKER_04: Uh Aliens look less like Alf and more like Steve Buscemi.
19:28
SPEAKER_04: Uh despite their superior analytics, even uh aliens don't know what in the subway tuna.
19:36
SPEAKER_04: Think about that for a second.
19:38
SPEAKER_04: And um the aliens that crashed in New Mexico in 1947.
19:43
SPEAKER_04: Uh Roswell.
19:45
SPEAKER_04: They were on a math run.
19:47
SPEAKER_04: According to the internet.
19:51
SPEAKER_04: Listen, uh, we have got a great show for you.
19:53
SPEAKER_04: Uh tonight, Man Corner's back.
19:55
SPEAKER_04: The Red Foreman Awards as well.
19:57
SPEAKER_04: Married Man's survival guide and uh real or fake news and a whole lot more.
20:02
SPEAKER_04: Tell us where you're watching from.
20:03
SPEAKER_04: Tonight we want to say hello to Michelle.
20:05
SPEAKER_04: I see she's uh already in there commenting, but uh we uh invite you to join the show at any time by uh just clicking the uh comment uh tab.
20:13
SPEAKER_04: Give us a like and a subscribe subscribe.
20:15
SPEAKER_04: It also helps us uh grow the show.
20:17
SPEAKER_04: Turn on that notifications bell! Welcome, my friends, to the premiere of the Alpha Men podcast, season five, episode 14.
20:28
SPEAKER_02: And now, men's plaining the news.
20:31
SPEAKER_02: Tuesday night update.
20:34
SPEAKER_04: And good evening.
20:36
SPEAKER_04: Here's what happened this week.
20:37
SPEAKER_04: Sunday was Mother's Day, or as uh strippers call it, uh Sunday.
20:46
SPEAKER_04: Uh things remain at a standstill between the US and Iran.
20:50
SPEAKER_04: I would call it a Mexican standoff, but uh Trump's already deported them also.
20:56
SPEAKER_04: Uh Karen Levitt uh has announced the birth of a baby girl.
21:02
SPEAKER_04: Uh press secretary, Dr.
21:03
SPEAKER_04: Sandbaby's first words were already uh that question has been answered by the White House press office.
21:10
SPEAKER_04: Cash Patel has been accused of uh handing out three bottles of branded FBI bourbon.
21:17
SPEAKER_04: While on government business.
21:20
SPEAKER_04: It sounds lame, but I I have to admit, Cash's FBI federal bourbon inspector t-shirts are kinda cool.
21:29
SPEAKER_04: Uh New York City welcomed its first full-scale casino this week.
21:34
SPEAKER_04: Before this, the only way New Yorkers could gamble was uh riding the subway at night.
21:42
SPEAKER_04: After merging X AI with SpaceX, the company will now officially be called SpaceX AI.
21:50
SPEAKER_04: Which is also the name of Elon Musk's 15th giant.
21:57
SPEAKER_04: Back in 2020, by the way, Elon Musk offered it.
22:00
SPEAKER_04: Donate sperm to an employee, according to a new article.
22:05
SPEAKER_04: Dude, I'm sure she would have been fine with just like an Amazon gift card or something.
22:08
SPEAKER_04: I'm just saying.
22:11
SPEAKER_04: It's gonna cost$80 billion to colonize Mars.
22:17
SPEAKER_04: Uh liberals have pushed back, suggesting if we're gonna spend$80 billion to go somewhere, it's Disney World.
22:24
SPEAKER_04: Cotton prices continue to uh rise because of the uh war in Iran.
22:30
SPEAKER_04: Uh this news update brought to you by Plastic Rap.
22:37
SPEAKER_04: Joe Biden this week re-emerged to endorse Democrat candidates in uh two statewide races.
22:43
SPEAKER_04: Uh he also, by the way, endorsed Kathy Bates as the new MATLOC.
22:48
SPEAKER_04: MATLOC.
22:50
SPEAKER_04: Uh Meta will begin determining whether users are underage by analyzing their photos and videos to estimate factors like height and bone structure.
23:01
SPEAKER_04: Um, which means Kevin Hart's about to get locked out of his accounts.
23:08
SPEAKER_04: Teacher in Connecticut accused of slapping a kid for making a 6'7 joke.
23:13
SPEAKER_04: Now listen, I get it.
23:15
SPEAKER_04: We're all tired of the 6'7 thing, but uh uh GoFundMe for his defense has already reached a billion dollars.
23:26
SPEAKER_04: Frozen pizza sold at Walmart this week being recalled for Salmonella.
23:30
SPEAKER_04: Uh, don't worry, the meth you buy at Walmart in the bathroom is still totally safe.
23:36
SPEAKER_04: California selling 3D printed homes.
23:43
SPEAKER_04: Would you have ever thought 3D printed homes?
23:47
SPEAKER_04: Uh in response, West Virginia says they will start selling 3D printed mobile homes.
23:56
SPEAKER_04: In uh Showbiz News, Ted Turner passed away this week.
23:59
SPEAKER_04: The age of 87.
24:00
SPEAKER_04: Uh he was preceded in death by uh a CNN Kim Kardashian putting her law career on hold.
24:10
SPEAKER_04: Which is a shame since uh she has such a loud, long, proud history of getting guys off.
24:15
SPEAKER_04: I mean, it's uh yeah.
24:19
SPEAKER_04: Singer Bonnie Tyler was hospitalized this week for a medical emergency.
24:24
SPEAKER_04: And she's gonna be fine, though.
24:25
SPEAKER_04: They say luckily it was only a partial eclipse of the heart.
24:28
SPEAKER_04: It was uh not yeah.
24:31
SPEAKER_04: Stephen Colbert says he wants uh Pope Leo to uh be on one of his final shows.
24:37
SPEAKER_04: Not for an interview, but um just uh to give the late show last rights.
24:43
SPEAKER_04: Madonna and Sabrina Carpenter released a song.
24:48
SPEAKER_04: Technically.
24:49
SPEAKER_04: Sabrina sings, but you can hear Madonna's mobility scooter beeping in the background, and it's a contribution.
24:57
SPEAKER_04: Uh the Miami Vice Reboot will be called Miami Vice 85.
25:02
SPEAKER_04: Hollywood says the reboot will feature less crime fighting and more lectures about why Ferraris are bad for the environment.
25:12
SPEAKER_04: Dolly Parton has just canceled her Las Vegas residency due to an unspecified health issue.
25:18
SPEAKER_04: Uh, my guess would be back pain, but uh I'm just saying.
25:24
SPEAKER_04: Patricia Arquette says she loves to grow older.
25:27
SPEAKER_04: By the way, Madonna heard that and laughed, or at least she would have laughed if her face could still move.
25:34
SPEAKER_04: A Canadian fiddle player is suing Google after its uh AI overview wrongly called him a convicted child sex offender.
25:43
SPEAKER_04: And he wants to make it clear he is a fiddler, not a diddler.
25:48
SPEAKER_04: And finally, Pete Davidson uh and his model girlfriend having issues this week.
25:52
SPEAKER_04: Trouble in Paradise.
25:53
SPEAKER_04: Uh the issue is she looks like a model, and um uh he looks like Pete Davidson.
26:00
SPEAKER_04: That's question.
26:01
SPEAKER_04: That's been explaining the news this week on the Alpha Med podcast.
26:25
SPEAKER_09: Listen up, you mix the bastards.
26:27
SPEAKER_09: Uh welcome to random facts.
26:29
SPEAKER_09: What?
26:29
SPEAKER_09: That's random facts.
26:31
SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
26:35
SPEAKER_09: Random facts.
26:36
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, I got them.
26:37
SPEAKER_09: I got some good ones.
26:37
SPEAKER_09: Well, okay.
26:38
SPEAKER_09: I th I think last week was a little cool here, but that's these took a little harder to find.
26:42
SPEAKER_09: It's surprising for the world full of of shit.
26:45
SPEAKER_09: Uh-huh.
26:45
SPEAKER_09: It's hard to find some cool facts.
26:47
SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
26:48
SPEAKER_09: So, alright.
26:49
SPEAKER_09: So the first I got is the San Diego Zoo, Safari Park, is home to the only two platypuses outside of Australia.
27:00
SPEAKER_09: Oh, okay.
27:01
SPEAKER_09: There's only there's only there's only two.
27:03
SPEAKER_09: Anyway else in the world.
27:05
SPEAKER_09: And Australia has the rest of them.
27:06
SPEAKER_04: So you think watching Phineas and Ferb, you know, all of that time that the platypus would be a more common thing.
27:12
SPEAKER_09: But uh I had to look, I had to look those things up.
27:14
SPEAKER_09: Like, like I forgot what they look like.
27:17
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, it's the only mammal with a duckbill.
27:20
SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
27:21
SPEAKER_09: I like I visualize it, but I'm like, no, it ain't that.
27:23
SPEAKER_09: So I googled it and I'm like, that's what it is.
27:25
SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
27:26
SPEAKER_04: All right.
27:26
SPEAKER_04: So Can you imagine the first guy that ever saw a platypus would be like, what the hell is that?
27:32
SPEAKER_04: Did a duck screw a beaver?
27:34
SPEAKER_09: Right.
27:36
SPEAKER_09: That's what it looks like.
27:38
SPEAKER_09: Anyway.
27:39
SPEAKER_09: Alright, so the average bra size in the United States is now 34 double D, according to sales data.
27:48
SPEAKER_09: In my hands.
27:50
SPEAKER_09: Um well, that's a big jump from 40 years ago, though.
27:54
SPEAKER_09: Uh the average bra size back then about 40 years ago was 34 B.
27:59
SPEAKER_09: Okay.
28:00
SPEAKER_09: Good to know.
28:01
SPEAKER_09: Thank God for evolution.
28:05
SPEAKER_09: All right.
28:06
SPEAKER_09: Um, this one's a little weird.
28:09
SPEAKER_09: Which I had to look at them too.
28:11
SPEAKER_09: Like, really, like I want to see a piece of it.
28:13
SPEAKER_09: But so there was an uh 90s teen comedy called The Trojans War.
28:18
SPEAKER_09: Sorry, Jennifer Jennifer Love Hewitt.
28:21
SPEAKER_09: Have you heard of it?
28:22
SPEAKER_09: I have not.
28:24
SPEAKER_09: Huh.
28:24
SPEAKER_09: Well.
28:52
SPEAKER_04: That has to be the biggest bomb in movie history.
28:55
SPEAKER_09: I'm gonna look that up and see, but yeah, it was has to be close.
28:59
SPEAKER_04: Has to be close.
29:00
SPEAKER_04: Well, I mean, obviously, there are other movies that they've nowadays put hundreds of millions of dollars into and have bombed, but not not not that bad.
29:09
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
29:10
SPEAKER_09: So um NASCAR owner and uh basketball legend.
29:15
SPEAKER_09: He earns 150 million a year from his Nike endorsement.
29:20
SPEAKER_09: That's nearly five times.
29:23
SPEAKER_09: Still to this day.
29:24
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, nearly five times more than any other NBR player.
29:29
SPEAKER_04: Wow.
29:30
SPEAKER_09: Isn't that crazy?
29:31
SPEAKER_04: That is crazy.
29:32
SPEAKER_04: So now you now you know why he owns an Ascard team.
29:38
SPEAKER_09: I mean he paid for that whole lawsuit too.
29:40
SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
29:41
SPEAKER_09: So, all right, so now this this was crazy, which this is this is bullshit because people must ate like one little thing, but this is craft mac and cheese came out in 1937 during the Great Depression.
29:53
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
29:54
SPEAKER_09: Alright.
29:55
SPEAKER_09: It was huge, it was a huge hit.
29:57
SPEAKER_09: You know why?
30:02
SPEAKER_04: I would have to say uh because you mentioned it came out in the depression, it had to have been like really inexpensive.
30:10
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, it was only 19 cents, but it could feed a family of four.
30:14
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
30:15
SPEAKER_04: There you go.
30:15
SPEAKER_09: How the hell are you gonna share a box of craft mac and cheese with a family of four?
30:19
SPEAKER_04: Appetites were a lot different than yours back then.
30:22
SPEAKER_04: I'm just saying.
30:27
SPEAKER_04: Not everybody cooks up three boxes at a time.
30:31
SPEAKER_04: Just saying.
30:31
SPEAKER_04: I was just saying.
30:32
SPEAKER_04: For themselves.
30:34
SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
30:35
SPEAKER_09: I mean, I'll hope a box out now, no problem.
30:37
SPEAKER_09: But yeah, so well, that's it for the random facts I got for today.
30:41
SPEAKER_04: So all righty, John's Random Facts on the Alpha Men podcast.
30:50
SPEAKER_09: It's circling.
31:14
SPEAKER_04: Before we uh get into this, uh just a couple of comments have already come in.
31:17
SPEAKER_04: Michelle says uh those bags are ugly, referring to my wife's uh uh mog bags or whatever they're called.
31:23
SPEAKER_04: She also says we went to Cedar Point and I was given pizza for dinner.
31:27
SPEAKER_04: That sounds like a pretty good Mother's Day, to be honest with you.
31:30
SPEAKER_04: Uh saying hello to Scott.
31:33
SPEAKER_04: And uh yeah, so uh already commenting uh tonight.
31:37
SPEAKER_04: All right.
31:37
SPEAKER_04: Uh Founding Fathers Would Not Agree, the part of the show where we take modern political nonsense, slap a powdered wig on it, and ask what would George, Tom, Ben, and the boys think if they time traveled here today.
31:52
SPEAKER_04: And ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and you poor souls grilled to MS now, right now, having a complete meltdown, gather round because this week the Virginia Supreme Court just did something radical.
32:07
SPEAKER_04: They actually read the state constitution and they enforced it.
32:12
SPEAKER_04: Oh the humanity.
32:15
SPEAKER_04: Four unelected judges.
32:16
SPEAKER_04: Wait, no wait, uh, they are elected.
32:20
SPEAKER_04: But apparently only Democrat-approved rulings count as democracy these days.
32:26
SPEAKER_04: These radical extremists looked at Democrat's desperate mid-decade powered grab to turn Virginia from a 6-5 split into a glorious 10-to-1 Democrat slaughterhouse and said, No, I don't think so.
32:42
SPEAKER_04: Sorry, you skip the procedural steps like sophomore cutting uh class in high school.
32:48
SPEAKER_04: Map stays fairish, better luck next decade.
32:52
SPEAKER_04: Exceptionally painful to the Democrats this week because they spent$70 million trying to get this map passed.
33:03
SPEAKER_04: And what did the left do?
33:05
SPEAKER_04: They clutched their pearls so hard they turned them into fair trade anxiety beats.
33:11
SPEAKER_04: It's rigging the midterms, they exclaimed.
33:19
SPEAKER_04: Buddy, your plan was to redraw the lines after early voting started?
33:23
SPEAKER_04: Pack every Republican into one lonely district like Sardines in a progressive coffin and call it fair representation?
33:33
SPEAKER_04: It's not redistricting, that's political ethic cleansing with map quest and a DNC consultant.
33:41
SPEAKER_04: Then they roll out the heavy artillery.
33:43
SPEAKER_04: John, tell me if you've ever heard this one before.
33:46
SPEAKER_04: It's Jim Crow 2.0.
33:52
SPEAKER_09: No, that's the Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:54
SPEAKER_09: I said I'll set it was from.
33:56
unknown: Yeah.
33:56
SPEAKER_09: But I guess it's all that Tifa crap.
33:59
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, really.
33:59
SPEAKER_04: Last I checked, Jim Crow involved poll taxes, literacy tests, and Democrats in white robes keeping black people from voting.
34:10
SPEAKER_04: Jim Crow 2.0 means black voters in Virginia still get to vote, every single one of them, multiple multiple times if they're in Chicago and on vacation, apparently.
34:22
SPEAKER_04: The only thing being suppressed here is the Democrat Party's ability to manufacture four extra seats in a single special election.
34:30
SPEAKER_04: And they rammed it through on a procedural technicality, and the Supreme Court stepped back and said, mm-mm, no, you didn't follow the Constitution.
34:41
SPEAKER_04: Don't even get me started on Tennessee.
34:44
SPEAKER_04: Their Supreme Court this week rightly ruled that you can't draw congressional maps based primarily on race.
34:52
SPEAKER_04: So Republicans there did the unthinkable.
34:55
SPEAKER_04: They eliminated the state's only black majority district.
34:59
SPEAKER_04: You know, the one currently represented by an old white Jewish dude named Steve Cohen.
35:08
SPEAKER_04: Now, the district's being broken up, and suddenly the likely person poised to win the next election is a black female Republican.
35:20
SPEAKER_04: Oh the horror.
35:22
SPEAKER_04: The absolute racism.
35:24
SPEAKER_04: A black woman elected in a competitive district instead of a safe blue reservation guarded by a white Democrat.
35:32
SPEAKER_04: That's not Jim Crow.
35:34
SPEAKER_04: That's progress that they just can't control.
35:37
SPEAKER_04: The left's definition of black representation apparently only counts if a Democrat wearing the right skin color for the photo op.
35:49
SPEAKER_04: And you know who would have hated this circus?
35:52
SPEAKER_04: The Founding Fathers.
35:54
SPEAKER_04: Madison would have written in the Federalist No.
35:57
SPEAKER_04: 11 of the dangers of factions who want to treat district maps like Play-Doh.
36:02
SPEAKER_04: Jefferson would have dusted off his quill and said governments derive just their powers from the consent of the governed.
36:09
SPEAKER_04: Not the creative cartography that looks like a drunk snake drew it after too much French wine.
36:17
SPEAKER_04: These guys fought a revolution against rigged representation, rotten boroughs, distant kings, ignoring people.
36:27
SPEAKER_04: Now the modern left wants to rig it in their favor and cries voter suppression when the court says you can't amend the Constitution like it's a terms of service agreement you didn't read.
36:40
SPEAKER_04: So let me translate their hysteria.
36:44
SPEAKER_04: How dare you make us compete in actual competitive districts?
36:49
SPEAKER_04: Heaven forbid Virginians get maps based on communities instead of racial bean counting and partisan power grabs.
36:58
SPEAKER_04: The horror.
36:59
SPEAKER_04: Minorities might gasp vote based on their values, economy, crime, or borders, instead of being herded into safe blue reservations like electoral livestock.
37:14
SPEAKER_04: It's not about black representation.
37:17
SPEAKER_04: It's about Democrat representation.
37:20
SPEAKER_04: At any cost, by any means, including pretending a procedural smackdown is the new Bull Connor.
37:28
SPEAKER_04: So spare me the fake outrage.
37:31
SPEAKER_04: The voters spoke, the courts called fouls.
37:35
SPEAKER_04: The ball doesn't lie.
37:38
SPEAKER_04: Constitution doesn't care about your feelings or your midterm.
37:43
SPEAKER_04: Every Democrat melting down right now, maybe try winning elections the old-fashioned way, by earning votes, instead of drawing magic lines.
37:52
SPEAKER_04: Because the Founding Fathers didn't risk their lives for government of the people, by the people, gerrymandered for the people.
38:04
SPEAKER_04: That's founding fathers would not approve tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
38:58
SPEAKER_01: Step forward and plead your case.
39:00
SPEAKER_01: Just know the verdict was probably decided before you started talking.
39:09
SPEAKER_04: Oh, I got an issue.
39:14
SPEAKER_04: I got an issue.
39:18
SPEAKER_04: Uh well, camera higher.
39:21
SPEAKER_04: There we go.
39:22
SPEAKER_04: Is that better?
39:25
SPEAKER_04: I got a robotic camera that just decided to follow me.
39:29
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, I know.
39:30
SPEAKER_09: So I'll go.
39:36
SPEAKER_04: See, this is why if you're listening to the audio-only version on Spotify or on uh Apple or iTunes or wherever else we are, uh, you really need to watch the video production because uh it's really low budget, let me tell you.
39:52
SPEAKER_04: Anyway.
39:54
unknown: All right.
39:54
SPEAKER_09: All right, mayor court's back in session, and sometimes definitely audible or not audible.
40:00
SPEAKER_09: Whoops.
40:00
SPEAKER_09: TJ Michaels is presiding.
40:02
SPEAKER_04: Uh thank you, Beard of Justice, baby Huey.
40:05
SPEAKER_04: Uh, you send us your domestic disputes, and we haul them in the main court for a ruling that'll hold up in any bar in America.
40:12
SPEAKER_04: If you've got a problem that needs solving, you can visit any of our social media pages and drop your main court dilemma in a DM to us.
40:20
SPEAKER_04: Uh yeah.
40:22
SPEAKER_09: Now you can join the free jury by just commenting whatever you may be watching from tonight, Facebook, YouTube, etc.
40:28
SPEAKER_09: Uh give your give the plaintiff uh some advice and hit the comment button.
40:33
SPEAKER_04: All righty.
40:33
SPEAKER_04: Now let's dive into uh tonight's case and lay down some justice.
40:37
SPEAKER_04: Do we have a docket number?
40:39
SPEAKER_09: We do, 260-512.
40:42
SPEAKER_09: Our plaintiff is Bob from Waynesboro, Mississippi.
40:46
SPEAKER_09: All righty.
40:47
SPEAKER_09: The case of the coffee mug mugging.
40:49
SPEAKER_04: The case of the coffee mug mugging.
40:52
SPEAKER_04: Mugging, yep.
40:54
SPEAKER_04: Alrighty.
40:55
SPEAKER_04: Uh Bob writes, uh, Dear Madcourt, uh, sometimes honorable judge TJ Michaels, bailiff baby Huey, and you beautiful degenerates on the freak jury.
41:07
SPEAKER_04: My name is Bob.
41:09
SPEAKER_04: I've been watching for a long time.
41:11
SPEAKER_04: I'm from Waynesboro, Mississippi, and I'm riding you with a heavy heart and an empty coffee mug.
41:18
SPEAKER_04: I come before this court seeking justice in what has become known around my house as the coffee mug mugging, a ruthless campaign of ceramic theft being carried out by my own wife.
41:32
SPEAKER_04: Your honor, I own one perfect mug.
41:36
SPEAKER_04: It's a big black twenty-four ounce beast that says world's okayest husband.
41:43
SPEAKER_04: Fits my hand perfectly, keeps my coffee hot, and for exactly the right amount of time.
41:49
SPEAKER_04: Makes me feel like a man who has his life together.
41:53
SPEAKER_04: Parentheses, even when I don't.
41:56
SPEAKER_04: I guard this mug like it's the family gold.
41:59
SPEAKER_04: My wife knows this.
42:01
SPEAKER_04: I submit exhibit A.
42:04
SPEAKER_04: Every single morning this week I wake up, shuffle to the kitchen like a zombie, my mug is gone, vanished.
42:12
SPEAKER_04: In its place, some tiny pink floral teacup that looks like it belongs in a dollhouse.
42:19
SPEAKER_04: I find my mug three times this week.
42:22
SPEAKER_04: Once holding her herbal tea, once being used as a pen holder, and once, I shit you not, outside with dirt in it because she decided to plant a damn succulent in it.
42:40
SPEAKER_04: Exhibit B.
42:42
SPEAKER_04: When I confronted her, she had the nerve to say, it's just a mug, Bob.
42:47
SPEAKER_04: You're being dramatic.
42:48
SPEAKER_04: Dramatic?
42:50
SPEAKER_04: Ma'am, I've been drinking coffee out of this specific mug since Obama's first term.
42:55
SPEAKER_04: It's broken in better than my favorite boots.
42:58
SPEAKER_04: You might as well use my childhood teddy bear as a dust rag.
43:03
SPEAKER_04: Finally exhibit C The smoking mug shot.
43:07
SPEAKER_04: Yesterday I caught a red-handed pouring oat milk into my sacred vessel while humming.
43:15
SPEAKER_04: When I gasped in horror, she just smiled and says it holds more than your little boy mug holds.
43:23
SPEAKER_04: Little boy mugs?
43:25
SPEAKER_04: This thing is a twenty four hour freedom tank.
43:29
SPEAKER_04: Relief requested.
43:31
SPEAKER_04: One, a court order declaring my black mug, Derek's official mug, with protective status under man court law.
43:41
SPEAKER_04: Two, the freak jury to rule that using a man's sacred coffee mug for anything other than black coffining is a felony.
43:49
SPEAKER_04: Three, emotional damages.
43:51
SPEAKER_04: She must hand wash my mug for the next 30 days and refer to it only as His Majesty's Goblet.
44:04
SPEAKER_04: Punitive four, if she touches it again without permission, she has to drink her morning tea out of a solo cup for three months.
44:14
SPEAKER_04: I rest my case before I start drinking coffee straight from the pot like an animal, respectfully, and severely undercaffeinated Bob from Waynesboro, Mississippi.
44:28
SPEAKER_09: That was good.
44:30
SPEAKER_09: Alright, freak Jerry, what do you think of uh of this case presented tonight?
44:33
SPEAKER_09: I'm in court.
44:34
SPEAKER_09: Comment with your advice for the verdict, and we'll pop that advice on the screen.
44:39
SPEAKER_04: Alright.
44:40
SPEAKER_04: Uh you know, this is a classic case of it's a cut and dry case of uh what's hers is hers and what's yours is hers.
44:52
SPEAKER_04: Bob.
44:54
SPEAKER_04: And it it's never fair.
44:57
SPEAKER_04: It happens all the time.
44:59
SPEAKER_04: Your favorite flannel, the charging cord for your cell phone, your favorite ball cap, socks, your razor, you're asking yourself, crap, when does it end?
45:13
SPEAKER_04: It doesn't.
45:21
SPEAKER_09: What's yours is hers.
45:24
SPEAKER_04: If uh if your wife planted a succulent in your coffee mug.
45:35
SPEAKER_09: I don't drink coffee, but I always carry a water cup around everywhere I go.
45:39
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
45:40
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, he's like the Uncle Sy from Duck Dynasty.
45:43
SPEAKER_09: I I saw I carried around this NASCAR cup for the last three years I've had.
45:49
SPEAKER_09: My name on it.
45:49
SPEAKER_09: It was just it became an identity of meal.
45:51
SPEAKER_09: It's like me with a hat.
45:52
SPEAKER_09: I always wear a hat.
45:53
SPEAKER_09: But I finally have switched to a Red Sox Yeti.
45:57
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so tomorrow you go out on the porch to go to work, and there's a petunia planted in your Red Sox Yeti.
46:07
SPEAKER_04: You're you're gonna be a little irritated, I would guess.
46:11
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I'm gonna petulia's gonna be sitting on top of the roof.
46:14
SPEAKER_04: See, I don't think we have to wait for the freak jury on this one.
46:17
SPEAKER_09: Even at work, Beeks says.
46:28
SPEAKER_04: I mean, guilty of aggravated mug mugging and ceramic treason.
46:36
SPEAKER_04: Bob, your wife, it's hereby ordered to cease all unauthorized use of his majesty's goblet immediately.
46:45
SPEAKER_04: And sacred mugs are off limits, they just are.
46:49
SPEAKER_04: That's just all there is to it.
46:51
SPEAKER_04: It's your identity.
46:52
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, one week of hand washing, duty starts now, solo cup punishment approved if she reoffends.
46:59
SPEAKER_04: Alright, we'll give her a break.
47:01
SPEAKER_04: But the docket is still open, boys.
47:04
SPEAKER_04: Um if you have a fresh household crime that needs the gavel next, drop us a DM with your issue on Mann Court.
47:16
SPEAKER_01: Adjournt.
47:18
SPEAKER_01: What is adjourned?
47:20
SPEAKER_01: On this week's episode of Armchair Legend, we break down sports like we're on the payroll without ever leaving the couch.
47:27
SPEAKER_01: We've got bold takes, zero coaching credentials, and just enough confidence to tell the pros exactly what they did wrong.
47:40
SPEAKER_04: All right, Armchair Legends.
47:42
SPEAKER_04: Uh study finds this week.
47:44
SPEAKER_04: Uh, the longer you played football, the worse your cognitive skills.
47:49
SPEAKER_04: And for more details, just Google uh Terry Bradshaw.
47:55
SPEAKER_04: The uh New York Knicks swept the Philadelphia 76ers, advancing to the uh Eastern Conference Finals this week.
48:02
SPEAKER_04: I'm all for the Knicks making a deep playoff run.
48:04
SPEAKER_04: Uh anything to keep Spike Lee from making more movies.
48:08
SPEAKER_04: Uh legendary Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox died at the age of 84 this week.
48:15
SPEAKER_04: Uh he is survived by his brothers large, tiny, and too many.
48:22
SPEAKER_04: All right.
48:24
SPEAKER_04: That one was cheap.
48:25
SPEAKER_04: I get it.
48:26
SPEAKER_04: Uh all right.
48:27
SPEAKER_04: The playoffs are cooking.
48:29
SPEAKER_04: Major League Baseball is mid-chaos, and golf about to remind us why rich guys wear ugly pants.
48:35
SPEAKER_04: The playoffs, Chaos Conference semis, Eastern Conference, the uh Detroit Pistons looking like they sold Cinderella's glass slippers.
48:43
SPEAKER_04: They took a two-to-one lead on the Cavs, and Cleveland fans already updating their LeBron should have never left memes.
48:50
SPEAKER_04: Game four was last night.
48:52
SPEAKER_04: And um, these Pistons are young, hungry, and playing with house money.
48:57
SPEAKER_04: Cavs fans, one bad series from uh burning their jerseys again.
49:01
SPEAKER_04: Out west, Oklahoma City Thunder, straight up bullying the Lakers.
49:07
SPEAKER_04: Hey Gary.
49:08
SPEAKER_04: Uh OKC was up 3-0.
49:10
SPEAKER_04: Last I checked.
49:11
SPEAKER_04: LeBron's trying to drag Grandpa Bones through another postseason while the Young Guns are dunking on his legacy.
49:18
SPEAKER_04: If the Lakers don't win game four or five, it's over quicker than your ex's.
49:23
SPEAKER_04: I need space text.
49:24
SPEAKER_04: And underway tonight, game five for the Minnesota Timberwolves versus the San Antonio Spears.
49:30
SPEAKER_04: The uh series tied 2-2.
49:32
SPEAKER_04: Anthony Edwards dropping 36 like it's nothing.
49:36
SPEAKER_04: The man is playing like he's got Bitcoin in his sneakers.
49:39
SPEAKER_04: Spurs fans are uh praying.
49:40
SPEAKER_04: Wemby grows another three inches overnight.
49:44
SPEAKER_04: And uh that's what's going on in the NBA.
49:46
SPEAKER_04: In the uh NHL, ice cold comedy.
49:49
SPEAKER_04: Hockey bros, the second round is delivering drama.
49:53
SPEAKER_04: Game four, Buffalo Sabres, Montreal Canadians underway tonight.
49:57
SPEAKER_04: Uh Montreal blew them out recently.
49:59
SPEAKER_04: Habs fans are doing that annoying.
50:02
SPEAKER_04: Ole, Ole chant.
50:04
SPEAKER_04: While the Sabres fans are wondering uh why their team plays like they paid for hockey sticks on Wish.com.
50:10
SPEAKER_04: Uh coming up tonight at uh 9.30, it's game five uh for the Anaheim Ducks and the Golden Knights.
50:16
SPEAKER_04: Anaheim stole one on the road.
50:18
SPEAKER_04: Vegas is in the house.
50:19
SPEAKER_04: They always win in the end, right?
50:22
SPEAKER_04: Except when they don't.
50:24
SPEAKER_04: And then it's what happens in Vegas stays in the group chat as therapy.
50:29
SPEAKER_04: So uh these series kind of tighter than Baby Huey's jeans after last night's wings.
50:35
SPEAKER_09: Um the hurt the her the hurricanes from the Carolina are still out there, right now.
50:39
SPEAKER_04: They are.
50:40
SPEAKER_04: They are.
50:41
SPEAKER_04: So uh that takes us to um Major League Baseball.
50:46
SPEAKER_04: Uh Hurricane's taking out the Flyers, by the way.
50:49
SPEAKER_04: My Flyers from Philadelphia.
50:51
SPEAKER_08: Yep.
50:52
SPEAKER_04: Um baseball in full swing.
50:54
SPEAKER_04: Everybody's 500 dreams are dying.
50:57
SPEAKER_04: Tampa Bay Rays and Yankees batting uh in the uh AL East like it's the Thunderdome.
51:02
SPEAKER_04: Leonard Braves are looking strong in the NL, but uh let's be real, your team's bullpen probably one outing from uh making your question, uh you question your life choices.
51:12
SPEAKER_04: Highlights of the week include guys making catches that belong in that training videos, and shout out to the boys playing 162 games so we can have something to argue about at the bar.
51:24
SPEAKER_04: The Sox are 17 and 20.
51:27
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it's not good for the Sox this year.
51:29
SPEAKER_04: No, not good at all.
51:31
SPEAKER_04: Not good.
51:32
SPEAKER_04: PGA championship tease off this week at uh Aaronimic.
51:36
SPEAKER_04: Scotty Scheffler defending, Rory hunting that major, and a bunch of LIV guys showing up with their Saudi funded vibes.
51:45
SPEAKER_04: Uh expect drama, terrible fashion, and one guy yelling four right before your beer spills.
51:50
SPEAKER_04: Matt's Armchair Legends tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
51:55
SPEAKER_01: And now the Red Foreman Awards, where you make dumb choices, you will win dumbass awards.
52:00
SPEAKER_01: Dumbass.
52:01
SPEAKER_03: You dumbass.
52:09
SPEAKER_04: Twitch.
52:11
SPEAKER_04: Welcome to the uh Red Foreman Awards, the only award show where the trophy is a size 12 steel-toed boot delivered straight to the ass, brought to you by Point Place's patron, Saint of Dumbass Justice himself, Red Foreman.
52:24
SPEAKER_04: Tonight we're handing out Golden Foremans to the absolute cream of the crop, the mouth-breathing, window-looking Darwin Award contending morons who are single-handedly keeping the gene pool from evolving too fast.
52:36
SPEAKER_04: Real people, real stupidity, zero excuses.
52:40
SPEAKER_04: Let's get to it.
52:41
SPEAKER_04: And uh, we handed out Golden Foreman number one tonight and the envelope, please, for the half-assed heist in half-ass.
52:51
SPEAKER_04: The winner?
52:52
SPEAKER_04: Danielle Harmon and Shayla Henderson of Bland, Missouri.
52:58
SPEAKER_04: Now these two women from uh Bland, Missouri, decided to rob the half-ass bar.
53:07
SPEAKER_04: Hell of an establishment implant.
53:09
SPEAKER_04: Uh they broke into the safe, stole cash, the coin machine, and uh uh tried to crack the ATM.
53:18
SPEAKER_04: They were caught on camera along with their uh getaway car.
53:21
SPEAKER_04: Oh, one of them was the owner's daughter, by the way.
53:24
SPEAKER_04: They even had fentanyl and meth on them.
53:26
SPEAKER_04: Their parents publicly called out their own kid on social media.
53:30
SPEAKER_04: So they robbed the half-ass bar in Bland, Missouri.
53:34
SPEAKER_04: And you're the owner's daughter.
53:37
SPEAKER_04: Uh not a crime spree, uh, a cry for help, I think.
53:41
SPEAKER_04: Uh, with uh with extra help.
53:45
SPEAKER_04: We we lost baby Huey.
53:48
SPEAKER_04: Uh-oh.
53:50
SPEAKER_04: We baby Huey's computer is updating at the moment.
54:00
SPEAKER_04: So we'll have to we'll have to see what happens.
54:04
SPEAKER_04: Uh on to golden format number two tonight.
54:07
SPEAKER_04: The sidewalk psycho in a sedan.
54:10
SPEAKER_04: The winner is Wendy Clement, 58 from Washington State.
54:15
SPEAKER_04: She was caught on video driving her car down the sidewalk chasing a kid on a motorized bike while laying on the horn.
54:24
SPEAKER_04: Uh, when cops found her, she uh claimed she was taking her dog for a ride and looking for other dogs to socialize with.
54:31
SPEAKER_04: She denied everything.
54:32
SPEAKER_04: She was, of course, hammered on something.
54:35
SPEAKER_04: And uh 50-year-old chasing a kid on a bike down the sidewalk.
54:40
SPEAKER_04: Uh the only thing you should be socializing is your liver with some AA meetings, maybe.
54:46
SPEAKER_04: Just uh just saying.
54:49
SPEAKER_04: You always want to see uh really kind of what she looks like.
54:54
SPEAKER_04: And yeah, there's the car, and there's the kid on the bike, and yeah, there's Wendy Clement.
54:59
SPEAKER_04: There you have it.
55:00
SPEAKER_04: Golden Foreman uh number three tonight.
55:05
SPEAKER_04: The mama's boy Grand Theft Goof.
55:09
SPEAKER_04: The winner is Eric Drake, 34 of Florida.
55:14
SPEAKER_04: Uh there you see uh Eric.
55:16
SPEAKER_04: Looks like a uh looks like a stable young man, right?
55:21
SPEAKER_04: Eric uh stole a car with the keys in it, still in it, then drove that stolen car straight to the sheriff's office because um he wanted to visit his mother.
55:33
SPEAKER_04: Uh he voluntarily confessed at the Ocala Sheriff's office when he got there.
55:43
SPEAKER_04: So I don't know where the you stole the car to go see your mom, and you delivered the stolen car to the cops.
55:52
SPEAKER_04: Maybe the world's dumbest Mother's Day surprise.
55:55
SPEAKER_04: Just saying.
55:57
SPEAKER_04: Uh, award number four, Keyshawn Jones, 23 of Texas.
56:04
SPEAKER_04: Keyshawn is a uh 23-year-old former Chick-fil-A employee, went back to his old store and rang up 800 fake mac and cheese orders and refunded them all to his own cards for$80,000.
56:23
SPEAKER_04: Here's the crazy part.
56:25
SPEAKER_04: It actually took police five months to catch him.
56:30
SPEAKER_04: So you get fired from Chick-fil-A, you commit$80,000 worth of fraud over mac and cheese.
56:38
SPEAKER_04: I guess you call that a side dish heist, maybe.
56:41
SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
56:42
SPEAKER_04: That's the most Florida Texas thing I think I've ever heard.
56:46
SPEAKER_04: And uh finally, award number five tonight, the Lottery Loser Ledger Legend Award goes to Lemon Jello, Washington, 32 from Memphis, Tennessee.
57:01
SPEAKER_04: Now Lemon Jello decided the best way to beat the uh time and beat the Tennessee lottery was to scratch off every single scratch-off ticket at the Germantown exit while he was working there behind the register.
57:18
SPEAKER_04: His brilliant brilliant system used the winning tickets to pay for the losing ones and pocket the rest.
57:26
SPEAKER_04: So, Lemon Jello uh kept a uh he kept a handwritten ledger on a hot dog wrapper that just said, quote, money coming soon.
57:39
SPEAKER_04: He ended up with three free tickets, eleven dollars, and a free mountain dew.
57:48
SPEAKER_09: At least he was being honest.
57:52
SPEAKER_04: He robs the uh Exxon with a dream and a hot dog wrapper.
57:58
SPEAKER_04: It's performance art for stupid people, I gotta tell you.
58:01
SPEAKER_04: It really is.
58:02
SPEAKER_09: You know the little thing that pops up says you have an update to restart your computer.
58:06
SPEAKER_09: Either A, I hit the X or I hit okay.
58:10
SPEAKER_09: But as soon as I because I saw it called my eyes, so I went to go hit the disclose it on my screen, and I must have hit the okay or something.
58:17
SPEAKER_09: I'm like, oh shit.
58:20
SPEAKER_04: Well, there you go.
58:21
SPEAKER_04: That's the Red Foreman Awards tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
58:25
SPEAKER_04: Favorite segment, and I missed it all.
58:29
SPEAKER_05: I just got three things to say.
58:53
SPEAKER_09: That was a rush.
58:53
SPEAKER_09: I'm probably switched to you.
58:55
SPEAKER_09: I'm glad you know how to use that button.
58:57
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, well, it's not that hard.
58:59
SPEAKER_09: I mean, five seasons took you that long to figure out how to use that button.
59:02
SPEAKER_09: I ran a million-dollar radio station for decades, but okay, sure.
59:06
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
59:07
SPEAKER_04: Uh anyway.
59:09
SPEAKER_04: All right, so um big shot.
59:12
SPEAKER_04: Watkins Glenn this week.
59:15
SPEAKER_04: And here's the deal.
59:20
SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna say it.
59:22
SPEAKER_04: I know it's gonna be an unpopular opinion.
59:25
SPEAKER_04: I know people aren't gonna like it.
59:29
SPEAKER_04: I like road racing.
59:31
SPEAKER_04: I do.
59:33
SPEAKER_04: And I have a soft spot in my heart for Watkins Glen.
59:37
SPEAKER_09: It's a beautiful place.
59:38
SPEAKER_04: Because I used to go there as a kid.
59:40
SPEAKER_04: I watched the race this weekend.
59:44
SPEAKER_04: There was never a question at all who was gonna win this race.
59:49
SPEAKER_09: Well, there was.
59:50
SPEAKER_09: Well, he was back 20, what, 26, 27 seconds?
59:54
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it was pretty amazing.
59:57
SPEAKER_04: And then he to be honest with you.
59:59
SPEAKER_09: Seven seconds in the last 10 laps, whatever it was.
1:00:02
SPEAKER_04: So he was back 29 seconds, late pit stop, still won the race by seven seconds.
1:00:10
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, that's SVG has it comes down to his footwork.
1:00:13
SPEAKER_09: That guy has a ho, uh, a heel-toe operation that is just it's insane.
1:00:18
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I I remember, you know, back in the late 80s and early 90s, they used to always show uh the in-car camera of Ricky Rudd and Ricky Rudd's footwork.
1:00:30
SPEAKER_04: Yep.
1:00:31
SPEAKER_04: You know, and Shane Van Ginsburger Van Ginsburg, and I can't even say it.
1:00:36
SPEAKER_04: SVG.
1:00:36
SPEAKER_04: Um, SVG, uh he's got to be heads and tails ahead of, you know, Ricky Rudd.
1:00:46
SPEAKER_09: The guy is, I mean, now he when it comes to road course, it's he's gonna win unless something bad happens.
1:00:51
SPEAKER_09: But now he's gonna sit back in the pack for you know 20th, 25th until the next road course.
1:00:57
SPEAKER_09: That's the downfall off of she.
1:00:58
SPEAKER_09: What's I see if you figure if he ever figures out the ovals, it's a threat.
1:01:02
SPEAKER_09: I mean, it's over.
1:01:03
SPEAKER_04: I I I see people whining online about road courses not so boring and this, that, and the other thing.
1:01:11
SPEAKER_04: Look at dude, okay.
1:01:14
SPEAKER_04: I don't care what racetrack you're at.
1:01:16
SPEAKER_04: I don't care if it's an oval, I don't care if it's a uh uh a road course, I don't I don't care if it's uh a hybrid, okay?
1:01:28
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I don't care if it's the Roval.
1:01:31
SPEAKER_04: When you have a guy who pits with like 20 laps to go, and he's 29 seconds back of the field, and he comes all the way forward, passes the leader, and wins by seven seconds.
1:01:48
SPEAKER_04: Michael Madow's on his ass now.
1:01:50
SPEAKER_04: He was he was he got asked too.
1:01:52
SPEAKER_04: He did.
1:01:53
SPEAKER_04: I don't know what kind of bigger story you get from a race.
1:01:57
SPEAKER_04: That was exciting to watch.
1:02:00
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, I didn't watch it, but in I like I said I listened to the Action Action Decumento by Denny Hamill, and I listened to the Kevin, I listened to a lot of podcasts.
1:02:08
SPEAKER_08: Right.
1:02:08
SPEAKER_09: You know, yesterday and you know, end of the week and stuff.
1:02:11
SPEAKER_09: So I kind of know what's going on for behind the scenes.
1:02:17
SPEAKER_09: But like you got it was a big weekend for SVG, Michael McDowell, but the big hitters like Denny Hamill and Chase, those guys weren't doing so good.
1:02:25
SPEAKER_09: But you look at RCR, RCR was sixth and eighth.
1:02:30
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it looks like they they it looks like they found what they've been missing.
1:02:33
SPEAKER_04: Um at least they're on the track of finding what they've been missing.
1:02:36
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, I mean sixth and eighth for me, Austin and and Kyle after what 30-something races of horrible finishes?
1:02:43
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I want to ask you though, I want to take you back to the early 2000s or the late or early 90s.
1:02:50
unknown: Yeah.
1:02:51
SPEAKER_04: If Shane Van Ginsbergen on Sunday was driving a 24 with rainbow paint on it, or a black number three, and the same scenario had happened, i.e., if he was Gordon or Earnhardt, people would be losing their minds this weekend telling you how exciting it was.
1:03:20
SPEAKER_09: Yep.
1:03:21
SPEAKER_09: It's just it's it's just it's a different nostalgia of driving.
1:03:25
SPEAKER_09: I mean, uh the downfall of NASCAR is the fans, because they're all they're all still stuck in the past.
1:03:31
SPEAKER_09: You, for example, I've embraced the more modern, you know, whatever.
1:03:36
SPEAKER_09: Oh my god.
1:03:37
SPEAKER_09: It's over.
1:03:38
SPEAKER_09: I mean, it's you gave me shit about listen, you gave me shit so much shit about my cowboys that'll be in the past, and it's the same thing.
1:03:45
SPEAKER_09: We hope it's always gonna be like that, but it's we don't know.
1:03:49
SPEAKER_04: I'm sticking up for SVG here.
1:03:51
SPEAKER_04: I know, but but you I but you're still, I mean, you always I'm just telling you that the younger fans don't know what racing is.
1:04:00
SPEAKER_04: They don't.
1:04:01
SPEAKER_04: I agree.
1:04:03
SPEAKER_04: They don't know what it is, and and and when you see, you know, look, I I I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that NASCAR, and especially even this year, has not had some stinkers of racist.
1:04:18
SPEAKER_04: Like, like, oh my look, let's be honest about New Hampshire Motor Speedway.
1:04:24
SPEAKER_04: They sit there and they ride around.
1:04:26
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
1:04:26
SPEAKER_04: Well, I want to.
1:04:28
SPEAKER_04: You know, they do.
1:04:29
SPEAKER_04: And and and they don't start racing until the last 15 laps of the race.
1:04:34
SPEAKER_04: I mean, that's just the yeah, all there is to it.
1:04:36
SPEAKER_04: All right.
1:04:37
SPEAKER_04: But when you see what you saw on Sunday, that was a masterful performance.
1:04:43
SPEAKER_04: And uh whether you like SVG or not, you should be able to look at that and go, holy crap, that was incredible.
1:04:51
SPEAKER_04: You know, that was that was a hell of a run.
1:04:54
SPEAKER_04: You know.
1:04:57
SPEAKER_09: There's one more thing.
1:04:59
SPEAKER_09: Try to look up something real quick, Walking the Glen.
1:05:02
SPEAKER_04: You know, yes, you're you're you're right.
1:05:04
SPEAKER_04: I remember when Mark Martin won three three races at the Glen in a row.
1:05:08
SPEAKER_04: You know what I mean?
1:05:08
SPEAKER_04: I mean, I you know, I uh and I used to go to the Glen.
1:05:12
SPEAKER_09: So, you know, so the placement, the big, the big controversy of the weekend at Batterstein, um is Cody Ware.
1:05:23
SPEAKER_09: He hit that freaking wall like a tank, that the retaining wall.
1:05:28
SPEAKER_09: Um and no caution.
1:05:31
SPEAKER_04: No no caution.
1:05:32
SPEAKER_04: And and and NASCAR either missed it or saw it was Cody Ware and just went, they didn't miss it.
1:05:39
SPEAKER_04: We're not gonna stop another race for Cody Ware.
1:05:41
SPEAKER_09: They didn't miss it.
1:05:42
SPEAKER_09: He hit that wall a ton.
1:05:43
SPEAKER_09: You moving a wall like that, that's auto that's an automatic stop the race.
1:05:48
SPEAKER_04: Right.
1:05:49
SPEAKER_04: Here's the deal Fox didn't even show it on TV.
1:05:52
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it's I mean, they just like completely ignored it.
1:05:56
SPEAKER_09: So Fox doesn't so when they're sitting in that booth, yeah.
1:06:00
SPEAKER_09: Beside the Fox producer, director is a NASCAR official.
1:06:05
SPEAKER_09: That's an executive.
1:06:07
SPEAKER_09: That's one executive all race.
1:06:10
SPEAKER_04: So by the way, if you're new to the if you're new to the show, um John worked for NASCAR for what 10 years, 15 years.
1:06:17
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, something like that.
1:06:19
SPEAKER_04: Was in race control and um, you know, also uh did fiber optics for them, but was also a you know a race day um was an official official.
1:06:29
SPEAKER_04: So uh anyway, go ahead.
1:06:31
SPEAKER_04: Sorry.
1:06:32
SPEAKER_09: I just I just an impact like that automatically calls for uh yellow, then a red because the wall has moved, the wall, the integrity of the track is now damaged.
1:06:42
SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
1:06:44
SPEAKER_09: They saw it.
1:06:45
SPEAKER_09: There's a reason why they didn't throw the yellow, it's not because it's Cody Ware, it's just there was something behind that.
1:06:51
SPEAKER_09: They wanted to either A, they're running out of time.
1:06:53
SPEAKER_09: Lights were lights, there's no lights, so they're running out of time.
1:06:56
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:06:57
SPEAKER_09: B there was something that needed to get moved along quicker because of TV needed to show something else after the show.
1:07:05
SPEAKER_09: That's why that caution had come out.
1:07:06
SPEAKER_09: Now, if if you would have come across I'm hurt or something like that, then a caution would have come out.
1:07:11
SPEAKER_09: But instantly, if that happened in Talladega or Martinsville where the wall got in the integrity of the wall, yeah, because those guys walk around the track, the track safety guys walk around the track every day at when they're on track, starting Wednesday, Thursday for and look for any pieces of metal sticking out, any wire, anything.
1:07:30
SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
1:07:31
SPEAKER_04: So Kyle Bush was up to fifth place, ended up uh running out of gas on the last lap, ended up finishing eighth.
1:07:39
SPEAKER_04: But uh uh during the race, um asked for uh uh the doctor to be on standby when the race was over.
1:07:47
SPEAKER_04: I guess he was really sick, like some sort of nasal infection or something like that.
1:07:53
SPEAKER_04: I I don't know.
1:07:55
SPEAKER_04: But the fact that he was really sick and and ended up picking up a top ten, which was desperately needed uh by his crew, uh uh it was great.
1:08:04
SPEAKER_04: And uh Richard Childress appears to be back.
1:08:07
SPEAKER_04: Uh Bubba Wallace and Christopher Bell had a little chat after the race.
1:08:11
SPEAKER_04: I didn't I didn't catch much of that, what was going on, so I just saw that.
1:08:15
SPEAKER_04: I don't know, I will just tell you that I'm kind of getting tired of seeing that Bubba Wallace wants to have a chat with everybody after the race.
1:08:22
SPEAKER_04: It seems to be like an every week thing now, you know.
1:08:26
SPEAKER_04: And I'm just like, yeah, okay, whatever.
1:08:30
SPEAKER_04: But um uh, well, if I I know a lot of people complain about the Fox coverage, which is it's terrible because Fox Forever was the best, you know, and now it totally sucks.
1:08:45
SPEAKER_04: Um Dover coming up is gonna be um the last Fox.
1:08:51
SPEAKER_04: What's that?
1:08:52
SPEAKER_09: What's up next?
1:08:53
SPEAKER_09: Amazon, right?
1:08:54
SPEAKER_09: Is Amazon on now?
1:08:56
SPEAKER_04: Uh no, Dover's gonna be the final Fox broadcast of the year, and then Amazon Prime for the next five races, and then TNT and USA pick it up uh for July.
1:09:06
SPEAKER_09: Amazon will be Amazon probably is gonna buy the package eventually.
1:09:10
SPEAKER_09: It's gonna be exclusively on Amazon.
1:09:15
SPEAKER_04: So it'll be it'll be great to hear Dale Jr., but uh I'm kind of I'm like a Mike Joy.
1:09:20
SPEAKER_04: I like Mike Joy, you know?
1:09:21
SPEAKER_04: Like I'm I'm sad to lose Mike Joy.
1:09:24
SPEAKER_09: I feel hundreds of flights with him home because we live in the same area up here.
1:09:28
SPEAKER_04: Uh by the way, just uh one word of of about the uh about the Bush race.
1:09:34
SPEAKER_04: Natalie Decker.
1:09:36
SPEAKER_04: Uh stay at the back.
1:09:39
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:09:40
SPEAKER_04: Well, she did not have a good day at Watkins Glen.
1:09:43
SPEAKER_04: Hey, she started she qualified.
1:09:45
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:09:46
SPEAKER_04: Um she came in last and uh had the words too slow on the official stats sheet.
1:09:55
SPEAKER_04: Um they uh they actually took her out of the race because she wasn't going fast enough.
1:09:59
SPEAKER_09: It was DNS, did not mean speed.
1:10:01
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
1:10:02
SPEAKER_04: So uh anyway.
1:10:04
SPEAKER_04: Uh that I guess is about it, right?
1:10:07
SPEAKER_09: Unless you got anything else.
1:10:08
SPEAKER_09: No, they're heading to Dover, which is gonna be a pretty boring race for the amount of lack of laps they're gonna do.
1:10:15
SPEAKER_09: Because that track is a concrete track and they need to get rubber down, and rubber needs to stick to it.
1:10:19
SPEAKER_09: They're gonna put the PJ one too, I guarantee it.
1:10:22
SPEAKER_09: But it's not gonna be enough, so it's gonna be a pretty uh follow-leader type of all-star race.
1:10:27
SPEAKER_04: There you go.
1:10:28
SPEAKER_04: That is uh red flag raids tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
1:10:38
SPEAKER_03: Give us a chance to ask a question, sir.
1:10:45
SPEAKER_03: You are fake news.
1:10:48
SPEAKER_04: Alright, we're gonna ask you to help Baby Huey out here tonight.
1:10:51
SPEAKER_04: You can help John uh with his mission to determine the real news story on real or fake news.
1:10:58
SPEAKER_04: Uh, we're gonna feed uh John five of the most inside headlines from this week.
1:11:03
SPEAKER_04: Four of them are 100% made-up bull crap.
1:11:07
SPEAKER_04: One of them is gloriously and embarrassingly real.
1:11:11
SPEAKER_04: And uh, if you want to help John along, you can comment in the uh comments tab to tell him which one you think is uh the uh the real news story tonight.
1:11:23
SPEAKER_04: So are you ready?
1:11:24
SPEAKER_04: Here comes your headlines.
1:11:27
SPEAKER_04: Michigan woman spends spring knitting sweaters for local squirrels after they stole her bird seed this past winter.
1:11:36
SPEAKER_04: Sounds legit.
1:11:38
SPEAKER_04: Colorado couple calls 911 after pet parrot repeatedly orders takeout on Alexa.
1:11:46
SPEAKER_09: Why the fuck would they call 911 to shoot it?
1:11:49
SPEAKER_04: Sorry.
1:11:52
SPEAKER_04: Headline number three.
1:11:54
SPEAKER_04: Forget flipper, dolphins using higher intelligence are deliberately getting high.
1:12:06
SPEAKER_04: Number four, Pennsylvania man returns eight thousand dollars cash found in used couch he bought at garage sale.
1:12:18
SPEAKER_04: Right?
1:12:21
SPEAKER_04: And last one, new research shows people who name their cars drive them twenty-three percent longer before needing repairs.
1:12:34
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
1:12:36
SPEAKER_04: Possible five headlines.
1:12:38
SPEAKER_04: You got Colorado couple.
1:12:40
SPEAKER_04: Oh wait.
1:12:41
SPEAKER_04: First one, Michigan woman knitting sweaters for local squirrels.
1:12:46
SPEAKER_04: You got Colorado, pet parrot, uh, Colorado couple calls 911 after pet parrot orders takeout on Alexa.
1:12:54
SPEAKER_04: Dolphins using higher intelligence to get deliberately high.
1:12:59
SPEAKER_04: Pennsylvania man returns his$8,000 cash found in couch.
1:13:03
SPEAKER_04: He bought at garage sale.
1:13:06
SPEAKER_04: And research shows people that name their cars drive them 23% longer before needing repairs.
1:13:15
SPEAKER_09: Yeah, guilty of that.
1:13:17
SPEAKER_09: Like 50%.
1:13:20
SPEAKER_09: Um parrot one sounds stupid.
1:13:24
SPEAKER_09: Okay, knitting squirrels, that sounds legit.
1:13:28
SPEAKER_09: Getting high dolphins sounds legit.
1:13:30
SPEAKER_09: What do they get high on though?
1:13:33
SPEAKER_09: Um, that doesn't sound unreal then.
1:13:37
SPEAKER_09: And the couch one sounds 100% real, but why is that really fake news?
1:13:40
SPEAKER_09: That might be fake news.
1:13:41
SPEAKER_09: That's happened before.
1:13:43
SPEAKER_09: Shit, that's a trick one, I guarantee it.
1:13:46
SPEAKER_09: Um I'm gonna go with.
1:13:53
SPEAKER_09: I'm gonna go with dolphins because I'm trying to pick.
1:13:56
SPEAKER_04: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
1:13:58
SPEAKER_04: You are correct.
1:13:59
SPEAKER_04: Dolphins are thought as uh one of the most intelligent species in the animal kingdom.
1:14:06
SPEAKER_04: Experts believe they have been putting their ingenuity to use to use in uh pursuit of getting high.
1:14:14
SPEAKER_04: Uh in extraordinary film uh extraordinary scenes filmed for a new documentary, young dolphins were seen carefully manipulating a certain kind of puffer fish, which it provokes, releases nerve toxins.
1:14:30
SPEAKER_04: The large doses of toxin can be deadly, but in small amounts it's known to produce a narcotic effect.
1:14:38
SPEAKER_04: And the dolphins appeared to have worked out how to make the fish release just the right amount.
1:14:45
SPEAKER_04: Kind of a puff puff pass.
1:14:48
SPEAKER_04: It's a floating bomb.
1:14:50
SPEAKER_04: It's a popping puffing bomb.
1:14:52
SPEAKER_04: The uh behavior was captured on camera by the makers of dolphins Spy in the Pod, a series produced for BBC One by the award-winning wildlife documentary producer John Downer.
1:15:04
SPEAKER_04: He says it's a case of young dolphins purposely experimenting with something we know to be intoxicating.
1:15:12
SPEAKER_04: After chewing the puffer, gently passing it around, they began acting most peculiarly, hanging around with their noses at the surface as if fascinated by their own reflection.
1:15:25
SPEAKER_04: Whoa.
1:15:27
SPEAKER_04: It reminded us of that craze a few years ago when people started licking toads to get a buzz, especially the way they hung in there in a daze afterwards.
1:15:38
SPEAKER_04: It's the most extraordinary thing to see.
1:15:41
SPEAKER_04: So yeah, our dolphins are getting high on purpose.
1:15:45
SPEAKER_09: They gotta be like adolescent dolphins.
1:15:49
SPEAKER_04: Hey, dolphins, say no to puffer.
1:15:52
SPEAKER_04: All right?
1:15:53
SPEAKER_04: You could just say no.
1:15:54
SPEAKER_04: I'm just Puff, puff pass.
1:15:57
SPEAKER_04: That's real or fake news tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
1:16:03
SPEAKER_01: The Married Man Survival Guide is your playbook for staying alive in a world where you're always wrong, even when you're right.
1:16:09
SPEAKER_01: We'll teach you how to pick your battle, apologize strategically, and survive married with your sanity, snacks, and TV remote intact.
1:16:35
SPEAKER_04: Married Man Survival Guide tonight.
1:16:38
SPEAKER_04: Uh diving into the ultimate survival manual.
1:16:41
SPEAKER_04: The uh guide uh is uh here because let's be real, if you're married, you're not just surviving a relationship, you're surviving a full contact support with no timeouts, no refs, and penalties that last longer than a Pats game at overtime.
1:16:55
SPEAKER_04: Uh we have five fresh tips from the Merryman Survival Guide for you tonight.
1:17:00
SPEAKER_04: Tip number one the that's interesting defense system.
1:17:07
SPEAKER_04: When your wife shows you a 47-second TikTok of a woman turning a pumpkin into a candle holder and says, Isn't that cute?
1:17:21
SPEAKER_04: Do not offer logical feedback.
1:17:26
SPEAKER_04: There's only three acceptable responses.
1:17:32
SPEAKER_04: That's interesting.
1:17:35
SPEAKER_04: Wow, people are really creative.
1:17:37
SPEAKER_04: Or wild.
1:17:41
SPEAKER_04: Any actual opinion, positive or negative, is gonna be used against you in future home decor court.
1:17:50
SPEAKER_04: Stay neutral and survive.
1:17:55
SPEAKER_04: Tip number two.
1:17:58
SPEAKER_04: The seven-second rule.
1:18:01
SPEAKER_04: When your wife asks, does this look okay?
1:18:05
SPEAKER_04: While trying on clothes, you have exactly seven seconds to respond.
1:18:11
SPEAKER_04: Under three seconds, you didn't really look.
1:18:14
SPEAKER_04: Over seven seconds, you're trying to come up with a lie.
1:18:18
SPEAKER_04: Best move?
1:18:20
SPEAKER_04: Immediate eye contact, slight head tilt, and say, You look great, babe.
1:18:27
SPEAKER_04: With calm confidence.
1:18:29
SPEAKER_04: Any hesitation, you're entering dangerous territory.
1:18:34
SPEAKER_04: Be honest.
1:18:36
SPEAKER_04: Alright?
1:18:37
SPEAKER_04: Number three, master the fake sniff test.
1:18:44
SPEAKER_04: When she asks you to smell something questionable in the fridge, never actually smell it.
1:18:52
SPEAKER_04: Do the fake sniff.
1:18:54
SPEAKER_04: Bring it close to your nose, make a thoughtful face, and immediately declare, definitely throw that away.
1:19:03
SPEAKER_04: This move has saved marriages, prevented food poisoning for centuries.
1:19:08
SPEAKER_04: Trust the system.
1:19:11
SPEAKER_04: Uh, number four, the emotional support node strategy.
1:19:17
SPEAKER_04: When your wife is venting about work, her friends, her mom, she doesn't want solutions.
1:19:26
SPEAKER_04: She wants you to be an emotional support node.
1:19:29
SPEAKER_04: Your job is simple.
1:19:31
SPEAKER_04: Make eye contact, nod every eight to twelve seconds, and occasionally say, that's crazy.
1:19:40
SPEAKER_04: Or she really said that.
1:19:43
SPEAKER_04: Do not offer fixes unless she says these sacred words.
1:19:48
SPEAKER_04: What do you think I should do?
1:19:51
SPEAKER_04: Even then.
1:19:52
SPEAKER_04: Proceed with extreme caution.
1:19:56
SPEAKER_04: And finally, the secret second wallet.
1:20:03
SPEAKER_04: Keep an emergency wife gift wallet.
1:20:06
SPEAKER_04: Hundred and twenty dollars cash, hidden in it at all times, and when she suddenly says, We should go look at random thing, like bog purses, this weekend, you'll be ready to casually buy her something without looking like you forgot an occasion.
1:20:28
SPEAKER_04: It is not manipulation.
1:20:30
SPEAKER_04: It is advanced married man risk management.
1:20:35
SPEAKER_04: Future you will thank present you.
1:20:39
SPEAKER_04: And that's the Married Man Survival Guide tonight on the Alpha Medcast.
1:20:46
SPEAKER_01: The views, jokes, opinions, and hot takes shared on this podcast are for entertainment purposes only and are not filtered, softened, or approved for sensitivity.
1:20:55
SPEAKER_01: If you are offended, uncomfortable, or triggered by blunt humor, sarcasm, or unqualified opinions, that's on you, not us.
1:21:03
SPEAKER_01: We are not responsible for hurt beings, and listening is a choice.
1:21:07
SPEAKER_07: Proceed at your own risk.
1:21:16
SPEAKER_07: I have no clue what's going on.
1:21:18
SPEAKER_04: That's not me.
1:21:20
SPEAKER_04: It is the part of the show where two married guys with bad knees and rising blood pressure tell you how it really is.
1:21:27
SPEAKER_04: Tonight, why being a man feels exhausting in 2026?
1:21:34
SPEAKER_04: Let me just say it.
1:21:35
SPEAKER_04: Being a man in 2026 is exhausting.
1:21:40
SPEAKER_04: Now, not cry in the shower, exhausting, but that constant low-grade background exhausting that never goes away, really.
1:21:53
SPEAKER_04: Think about it.
1:21:55
SPEAKER_04: Society wants us to be providers, but also emotionally available 24-7.
1:22:02
SPEAKER_04: We're supposed to be strong and stoic.
1:22:06
SPEAKER_04: When things get hard, but also go to therapy and quote, do the work on our feelings.
1:22:14
SPEAKER_04: Make six figures, but don't be too materialistic.
1:22:17
SPEAKER_04: Stay in shape with abs, but also love your body exactly as it is.
1:22:22
SPEAKER_04: Be the leader of the house, but make sure you're splitting the chores 50-50 and folding the towels the correct way.
1:22:38
SPEAKER_04: And they keep changing the directions.
1:22:42
SPEAKER_04: We're expected to have the work ethic of our grandfathers who work 60 hours a week with no complaints, combined with the emotional intelligence of a female Instagram life coach, and the body of a guy who lives at the gym, all while being told that traditional masculinity is the root of every problem in society.
1:23:05
SPEAKER_04: Toxic.
1:23:09
SPEAKER_04: And you're like, I'm out here busting my ass, paying the mortgage, taking out the garbage, trying not to drink too much beer, staying off my wife's nerves, not scrolling myself stupid, and just generally trying to be more active so I don't drop dead at 53.
1:23:30
SPEAKER_04: Somehow, I'm still the bad guy in every freaking commercial on the TV.
1:23:40
SPEAKER_04: I'm supposed to be the protectors, but not toxic.
1:23:44
SPEAKER_04: Leaders, but not controlling.
1:23:47
SPEAKER_04: Funny, but never offensive.
1:23:49
SPEAKER_04: Ambitious, but not workaholics.
1:23:53
SPEAKER_04: Vulnerable, but not weak.
1:23:56
SPEAKER_04: It's like trying to walk a tightrope that someone keeps shaking while yelling at you for swaying.
1:24:04
SPEAKER_04: I gotta tell you, Tovellas, I'm tired.
1:24:07
SPEAKER_04: Not weak.
1:24:09
SPEAKER_04: Tired.
1:24:11
SPEAKER_04: So here's my completely unqualified advice.
1:24:17
SPEAKER_04: Stop trying to be everything to everyone.
1:24:20
SPEAKER_04: Pick your coat and live by it.
1:24:23
SPEAKER_04: Lift heavy shit.
1:24:25
SPEAKER_04: Tell the truth.
1:24:26
SPEAKER_04: Provide for your people.
1:24:28
SPEAKER_04: Protect what's yours.
1:24:30
SPEAKER_04: Be a good man.
1:24:32
SPEAKER_04: Not a perfect one.
1:24:34
SPEAKER_04: And for the love of God, stop apologizing for being in a m being a man in a world that keeps telling you masculinity is a problem.
1:24:48
SPEAKER_04: That's all I got tonight.
1:24:50
SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna do something stupid and masculine to feel better.
1:24:55
SPEAKER_04: I carry something heavy that I don't need to carry.
1:24:58
SPEAKER_04: Which is good advice for you.
1:25:01
SPEAKER_04: Go lift something heavy.
1:25:03
SPEAKER_04: Tell your wife you love her.
1:25:06
SPEAKER_04: Even when she's wrong about the thermostat.
1:25:09
SPEAKER_04: And for the love of God, stop believing everything you see on TikTok.
1:25:13
SPEAKER_04: Case in point.
1:25:15
SPEAKER_04: If you're still wondering why things are taking so long with regard to Iran, we leave you with this.
1:25:25
SPEAKER_05: Okay, so you reopen Hormuz, everybody calms down.
1:25:29
SPEAKER_05: Deal?
1:25:30
SPEAKER_05: No.
1:25:31
unknown: Why not?
1:25:32
SPEAKER_05: Because we are winning! Who the f is this?
1:25:36
SPEAKER_05: I am the new IRGC commander.
1:25:38
SPEAKER_05: What happened to the other guy?
1:25:41
SPEAKER_03: I'm the new new commander.
1:25:43
SPEAKER_05: This is the third commander in six seconds.
1:25:46
SPEAKER_05: Fast promotion system.
1:25:49
SPEAKER_05: This is not a regime.
1:25:50
SPEAKER_05: This is musical chairs.
1:25:54
unknown: Okay.
1:25:57
SPEAKER_04: That's good.
1:25:58
SPEAKER_04: That's it for tonight.
1:25:59
SPEAKER_04: If you loved it, tell your friends.
1:26:01
SPEAKER_04: If you hated it, tell your friends and anyway and argue about it.
1:26:05
SPEAKER_04: Either way, we'll be back next Tuesday night at eight.
1:26:08
SPEAKER_04: And in the immortal words of the Beverly Hillbillies, y'all come back now.
1:26:12
SPEAKER_09: You hear?
1:26:19
SPEAKER_00: Alright, AlphaPet.
1:26:20
SPEAKER_00: That's all the damage we're legally allowed to do tonight.
1:26:23
SPEAKER_00: If you're offended, confused, clutching your pearls, or Googling, is it normal to agree with idiots?
1:26:29
SPEAKER_00: Perfect.
1:26:30
SPEAKER_00: Mission accomplished.
1:26:31
SPEAKER_00: This has been the AlphaBen Podcast, where opinions are loud, thanks are optional, and HR would have tackled this before the intro is a team finished.
1:26:40
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for hanging out, cracking a beer for free, and pretending you work something while we aggressively worked absolutely nothing.
1:26:49
SPEAKER_00: Share up with that friend to get kicked out of fairly business.
1:26:52
SPEAKER_00: And remember, it's common sense for common.
1:26:54
SPEAKER_00: Have this country with the other point.
1:26:58
SPEAKER_00: Now we've got to go with point for one.
1:27:00
SPEAKER_00: That's why we said that square we're supposed to go as we don't get real fast.