Latest / Anele and the Club on 947 / Should parents give more to the child who needs it most, or is that unfair?

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Should parents give more to the child who needs it most, or is that unfair? · Anele and the Club on 947

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Wake up with a bang. Hey, wake up! Anele and
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: the club on 947.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Just in time to have a listen to Maureen's situation. Firstly, quickly, sidebar.
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: I'm going to play you a bit of Maureen's voice note.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: But don't worry about the content. Just listen to her voice.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: Doesn't she sound like one of the judges from Masterchef
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: South Africa?
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Have a listen to Maureen.
• 0:24
  Speaker 3: Hi, everybody.
• 0:25
  Speaker 4: My husband and I are retired. And we recently bought
• 0:27
  Speaker 4: our 32-year-old son a small house.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, she does, eh?
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: It's Zola, and then I think Cabello, and then the
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: third one.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: It sounds like her. The blonde lady.
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: The blonde lady, yes.
• 0:42
  Speaker 5: No, Maureen sounds more Afrikaans than the MasterChef judge.
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah, she's very, Justine Drake is her name.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and she's got a very fancy accent.
• 0:52
  Speaker 6: Yes.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: But she does talk like hoity-toity. So I'm going to
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: teach you how to make a hot potato. Hey, the
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: challenge is, I'm a guinea. Anyway, back to Maureen.
• 1:03
  Speaker 6: Yes.
• 1:04
  Speaker 7: Hi, everybody.
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: My husband and I are retired, and we recently bought
• 1:07
  Speaker 4: our 32-year-old son a small house. He struggled to find
• 1:10
  Speaker 4: direction and isn't financially stable. However, when our 27-year-old daughter
• 1:14
  Speaker 4: found out, she was furious.
• 1:16
  Speaker 5: She was fuming.
• 1:18
  Speaker 4: She's married, has two kids and has worked hard to
• 1:21
  Speaker 4: build a stable life on her own. She says we've
• 1:23
  Speaker 4: always gone the extra mile for her brother while she's
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: had to figure out everything on her own or by herself.
• 1:29
  Speaker 4: She's now distant from us, not answering our calls, not
• 1:31
  Speaker 4: talking to us, saying we were rewarding failure and overlooking success.
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: But we feel like our son simply needed the help more.
• 1:40
  Speaker 7: Wow.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: But this is the never-ending sibling squalor.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Oh, squalor.
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: Squalor.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm in two minds about this one.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Shall I go first? Yes, please do.
• 2:00
  Speaker 5: Because everyone is being so careful. I think she's right
• 2:04
  Speaker 5: to be upset.
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Because the thing is, if.
• 2:10
  Speaker 5: If you have siblings, if you've raised multiple children, you
• 2:13
  Speaker 5: know that it doesn't matter their age. Everyone is always
• 2:15
  Speaker 5: looking at who gets what help, when and how from
• 2:18
  Speaker 5: the parents, right? It's that whole age-old dynamic about who's
• 2:21
  Speaker 5: a favorite, who's not. So I don't think you necessarily
• 2:23
  Speaker 5: have to help everyone in the same way. But everyone
• 2:28
  Speaker 5: at the beginning of such a thing would need some
• 2:30
  Speaker 5: form of assistance.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: So my thing is, Maureen, good morning. Thank you for
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: letting us into your home. You are of the mind
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: that your son, being 32, and according to you, struggling
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: to find direction and financially stable, that is not an
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: overnight decision by you or him. That is a pattern
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: of years and years of you guys bailing him out
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: and him knowing that you guys will always be there to.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Bail him out.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: This here, this decision you guys made to buy him
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: a house is not going to end well because... In
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: order for you to have a house and to maintain
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: it and to keep it, firstly, you have to have
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: a job, right? Even if the house is fully paid for,
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: there are going to be expenses in the house that
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: require somebody who's got some or other income. Because when
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: you stay in that house, there is lights, there is food,
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: there is electricity, there is maintenance, there is garden, there
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: is everything. And you know that you have not trained
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: his muscle of maintenance.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: You have just trained his muscle of receiving.
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: I feel very sorry for Maureen. I'll tell you, let
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: me tell you why. Because I think it's the hardest
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: thing as a parent to see one of your kids struggling, right?
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: Especially financially. And obviously they stepped in to help, right?
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: But I don't, and this is where I disagree with
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: the daughter. Because I don't think that it's fair to
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: be saying everything, if you're raising two kids together, it
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: can't be 100% shared. Like you can't say... it's going
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: to be, I'm going to give one child exactly what
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: I give the other child. Needs are different.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: Why not?
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: I don't think it's possible. I don't think that's how
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: life works. Like you always say, no child has the
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: same parent, right? And parents are in different stages at
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: different times. I just don't, I don't think it's fair
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: for her to say, well, You always help him.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: She does.
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: But she's not wrong.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: They always help him.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: The only thing... The only thing that puts memory inside here.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: Is.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: I have to stick to my principle of... You cannot
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: decide how people spend their money... That they worked hard for.
• 4:32
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: So as a child... You cannot... Like be.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: You know... Hell-bent on telling your parents... How they're going to...
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: If your parents are spending... More money on somebody else...
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: That is their prerogative... Not yours. So yes.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: You are allowed to then... Be upset... And you are
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: allowed to be like... You know what?
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: It's fine guys... Let's have a professional... 9 to 5 relationship...
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: As parent and child.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Because.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: The loving part of it... Is missing here... Because I
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: do feel unloved... By the fact that you guys.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Are all.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: Constantly bailing out... And supporting somebody... Who does not come
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: to the party... To stand up for himself... And I...
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: Am getting punished... For... Being independent.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: But she's not getting punished.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: She is.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: I don't think she's getting punished.
• 5:10
  Speaker 5: But what it is, is, Frankie, it's, like I said,
• 5:12
  Speaker 5: it's like a lingering thing. Anyone who's ever had a
• 5:15
  Speaker 5: sibling who's perpetually in crisis knows that there's always an
• 5:20
  Speaker 5: assumption that they need all this help and everyone rushes
• 5:23
  Speaker 5: to assist. But if you are Frankie who the family thinks, oh,
• 5:27
  Speaker 5: Frankie's got a story ironed out, no one actually ever goes, actually, Frankie,
• 5:31
  Speaker 5: would you like us to help you with anything? As
• 5:33
  Speaker 5: you move into a new home, like I'm saying, it
• 5:35
  Speaker 5: might not be putting down rent, buying Frankie all his furniture,
• 5:38
  Speaker 5: but there actually could be something that Frankie needs for
• 5:40
  Speaker 5: a month or two.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: Or much to your point, Frankie, around that no child
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: has the same parent and your parents are going through
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: different phases at different times.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: Of your life as well.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: The daughter could possibly be wanting to start a business
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: and she doesn't have capital.
• 5:57
  Speaker 7: Right?
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: So because she's.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: Got a house and she's got a husband and she's
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: got kids and she looks stable, maybe she wants to
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: start a business.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: Maybe she wants to move.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: Away from being permanently employed and would like cushioning to
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: land on for two years whilst she figures out her
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: next step, which is a business. Your son's next step
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: is his first home at 32 because he's never had
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: a job. But your daughter also has a first step
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: that she would like to help with financially. But you
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: would never know that because y'all are all too busy,
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: you know, playing, huddling scrum around this one here.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but what is the alternative? I mean, and this
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: is from Maureen. This is why I feel sorry for Maureen.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: Take the money you're going to have for the house,
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: split it in half and give it to your kids.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but I mean, so the alternative is then we're
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: not going to help him in that way, leave him
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: to his own devices.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: No, he can buy a nice one bedroom something that
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: costs 800,000 and not the 3 million rent house that
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: he has that he didn't earn.
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: We don't know that, right? So maybe it is a
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: one bedroom. Maybe it is that.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: Then he can go share or maybe move back home.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: But the thing is, if you guys have got 3 million.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: To blow on your kids, it's 1.5 each.
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: You say it should be split down the middle. I mean,
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: it doesn't.
• 7:03
  Speaker 5: I'm not that extreme in my position, but I can
• 7:07
  Speaker 5: see why this would be an issue, guys, because you
• 7:09
  Speaker 5: had all this help available for someone and suddenly there's
• 7:12
  Speaker 5: none available for me.
• 7:17
  Speaker 8: 011-8838-947.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: This is not exclusive to Maureen. This is something that
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: you are all dealing with and you're both ends of it.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: You could be a parent who's facing this. You could
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: be a child who's knee deep in it where you
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: just watch and every time there's a little bit of
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: something to go around in the household, it goes to
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: the one sibling that everybody's like, no, but she needs
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: the help. He needs the help. You know, how have you...
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: kind of maneuvered your way around it? How have you
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: navigated around being on both ends of the situation?
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Send us a voicemail to 084-000-0947.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: If you're just joining us.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Let me refresh you. Here is Maureen's debacle.
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: Hi, everybody.
• 7:59
  Speaker 4: My husband and I retired and we recently bought our
• 8:02
  Speaker 4: 32-year-old son a small house. He struggled to find direction
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: and isn't financially stable. However, when our 27-year-old daughter found out,
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: she was furious.
• 8:11
  Speaker 5: She was fuming.
• 8:12
  Speaker 4: She's married, has two kids and has worked hard to
• 8:15
  Speaker 4: build a stable life on her own. She says we've
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: always gone the extra mile for her brother while she's
• 8:20
  Speaker 4: had to figure out everything on her own or by herself.
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: She's now distant from us, not answering our calls, not
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: talking to us, saying we were rewarding failure and overlooking success.
• 8:30
  Speaker 4: But we feel like our son simply needed the help more.
• 8:33
  Speaker 7: Hi, everybody.
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: My husband and I are retired, and we recently bought
• 8:36
  Speaker 4: our 32-year-old son a small house. He struggled to find
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: direction and isn't financially stable. However, when our 27-year-old daughter
• 8:44
  Speaker 4: found out, she was furious.
• 8:46
  Speaker 5: She was fuming.
• 8:47
  Speaker 4: She's married, has two kids, and has worked hard to
• 8:50
  Speaker 4: build a stable life on her own. She says we've
• 8:52
  Speaker 4: always gone the extra mile for her brother while she's
• 8:55
  Speaker 4: had to figure out everything on her own or by herself.
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: She's now distant from us, not answering our calls, not
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: talking to us, saying we were rewarding failure and overlooking success.
• 9:04
  Speaker 4: But we feel like our son simply needed the help more.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: Those parents aren't doing the son any favours.
• 9:12
  Speaker 6: On the contrary, they are teaching him to carry on
• 9:15
  Speaker 6: receiving and not working.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Why do mothers do this with their sons though? No,
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Mama Bobby.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: They should have given the lady the same amount of
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: money or bought them a house so that it's equal.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: Everything you do needs to be equal for the kids.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Those parents are very unfair. What you do on the left,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: you do on the right. Whether your child is really
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: successful or not.
• 9:35
  Speaker 9: My question is, is he going to be able to
• 9:38
  Speaker 9: keep the house?
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Is he going to be able to pay the rate?
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: Is he going to be able to maintain that house?
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: And also, this notion from parents that marriage is the
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: only stability you ever need.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: Like, as soon as your child is married, okay, okay.
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: Well done.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: That's that one off our hands now.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: We don't ever need to come back here.
• 9:58
  Speaker 5: I don't know, man. A two-income household. would really fix
• 10:00
  Speaker 5: my life right now I'm willing to try.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: It said no one ever okay please that's your new
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: show please get.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: Honoured what do you think.
• 10:17
  Speaker 8: Hi, how are you guys?
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: We're good, Mandisa. How are you?
• 10:20
  Speaker 8: I'm good, I'm good. Listen, I've got a twin brother, literally.
• 10:25
  Speaker 8: And our parents passed away when we were in high school.
• 10:28
  Speaker 8: So my sisters took over. And I think with my
• 10:30
  Speaker 8: mom even, with my sisters, he's always been, you know,
• 10:34
  Speaker 8: the number one guy. Everything he needs. Everything he wanted,
• 10:38
  Speaker 8: he would get. Like, we are 42 now. I've got
• 10:42
  Speaker 8: my own house, got two kids. He's still living at home.
• 10:45
  Speaker 8: My sisters, they still do everything for him. 20 years,
• 10:48
  Speaker 8: they go and buy groceries. You know, it's summer clothes.
• 10:52
  Speaker 8: One sister will tell me, no, I've given him money
• 10:54
  Speaker 8: to go buy clothes. Yeah, just last week, he called me.
• 10:58
  Speaker 8: It was on Saturday. I was home, sitting with my kids.
• 11:01
  Speaker 8: And I know it wasn't gross, because you can hear
• 11:03
  Speaker 8: the coo, coo, coo, coo, coo. One sister say, ah, coo, coo.
• 11:07
  Speaker 8: I was like, hell no. I put the phone down.
• 11:10
  Speaker 8: I'm like, at some point we do need to set
• 11:13
  Speaker 8: boundaries as well, you know, because he's never going to
• 11:16
  Speaker 8: learn to be responsible for himself. He's got a kid.
• 11:19
  Speaker 8: My sister stays with his kid. I'm like, what type
• 11:23
  Speaker 8: of an adult is he? He's already an adult. So
• 11:26
  Speaker 8: by his 50s, what is he going to do with
• 11:27
  Speaker 8: his life?
• 11:28
  Speaker 5: Nothing.
• 11:29
  Speaker 8: We enable that sort of behavior as well.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: There's so much going on here. Firstly, Manisa, I'll tell
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: you what pain you feel, whether you've been able to
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: vocalize it or not. The pain you feel is we
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: are twins and you guys picked a favorite. We were
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: both there. Literally, guys, we were both born on the
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: same day. It's not like the favorite who's the first
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: born or the last born.
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: Guys, we were.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: Literally both there at the same time and you guys
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: just opted that way to.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Say that's the favorite.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: And then you saying your parents passed away when you
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: were younger, your elder sisters, to them, it looked like
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: you handled the death better than your brother.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: So all they've done since your parents passed away.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: Is to coddle your brother because it looked like, you know,
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: he lost a parent more than you. And there's just
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: a day where you must sit them down. It's like, guys,
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: I also lost my parents on the same day, hey?
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: So I'd also like the same coddling that seems to
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: be only reserved for him.
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: So, Mandisa, I've got to ask. So what do you
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: think is the alternative? Like you guys don't look after
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: him anymore.
• 12:41
  Speaker 8: You know, I think he's grown. The same opportunities that
• 12:44
  Speaker 8: I've got, he's also got. You know, the same opportunity
• 12:47
  Speaker 8: to go to school, he's also got. And he played
• 12:50
  Speaker 8: with those chances at the end of the day. I
• 12:53
  Speaker 8: made mistakes on my side, definitely. But I picked myself.
• 12:56
  Speaker 8: I went back to school, got work, still going to
• 12:59
  Speaker 8: school even now, you know, while I'm working. So everybody
• 13:03
  Speaker 8: has a choice. Whether you like it or not, at
• 13:05
  Speaker 8: some point, you have to take responsibility for your own
• 13:09
  Speaker 8: life and can't expect people to save you all the time.
• 13:12
  Speaker 8: So I think it does create that sort of animosity
• 13:15
  Speaker 8: as well, you know, within the family in terms of,
• 13:18
  Speaker 8: you know, they will never call in to check up
• 13:20
  Speaker 8: how you are. But whenever he calls, first thing they
• 13:22
  Speaker 8: will pick up. If he needs something, they will do that.
• 13:27
  Speaker 7: So, yeah.
• 13:28
  Speaker 5: So, Mandisa, on that point, so I don't think it's
• 13:29
  Speaker 5: as black and white as we all had the same opportunities, right?
• 13:32
  Speaker 5: Because we're wired differently. We respond differently to situations. So
• 13:36
  Speaker 5: we know what your sisters do for your twin brother.
• 13:39
  Speaker 5: How would you want them to support you? You mentioned,
• 13:41
  Speaker 5: for example, how they check up on him. You don't
• 13:43
  Speaker 5: get the same. What would they have to do for
• 13:45
  Speaker 5: you to feel like they value or support you in
• 13:47
  Speaker 5: the same way as a sibling?
• 13:50
  Speaker 8: I think in a way, you know, I remember I
• 13:53
  Speaker 8: spoke to my therapist as well. Like, we do need to,
• 13:55
  Speaker 8: I do need to sit them down in terms of
• 13:58
  Speaker 8: letting them know how they actually treated me, you know,
• 14:01
  Speaker 8: whilst growing up. Because I found that I had to
• 14:04
  Speaker 8: basically live on my own and also take care of
• 14:07
  Speaker 8: myself a lot of times. Because, yeah, I never was
• 14:10
  Speaker 8: quiet and shy and a bookworm in a word.
• 14:14
  Speaker 6: But.
• 14:14
  Speaker 8: They paid more attention to him more than they did me.
• 14:18
  Speaker 8: So I would like to have that conversation, let them
• 14:21
  Speaker 8: know how I felt. Yes, it has passed, but so
• 14:25
  Speaker 8: that they can hear my point and how it made
• 14:28
  Speaker 8: me feel.
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, man, because it also sounds like you lost
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: your parents and then you also lost your siblings.
• 14:34
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I'm saying?
• 14:35
  Speaker 8: Definitely.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but they're still around, so it kind of stings more.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: But Tembegile has got a point, right?
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Is that how we solve this is not giving your
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: brother less, but asking your siblings to come up for
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: you as well.
• 14:50
  Speaker 4: Correct.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: You know, so yeah, I hope this is a conversation.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: Have you had this with them? What do they say
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: when you say it?
• 14:58
  Speaker 8: I've never, but I think it has to come because
• 15:01
  Speaker 8: I'm graduating now in October. And I want to take
• 15:05
  Speaker 8: my older daughter because my younger one cannot go. And
• 15:08
  Speaker 8: I want one of them to come. But I know
• 15:10
  Speaker 8: if it was him, they would have picked their hands
• 15:14
  Speaker 8: up to say. And they know I've sent them the invitation,
• 15:16
  Speaker 8: but none of them said anything. So I don't know.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, man.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel very sorry for you. That's terrible.
• 15:23
  Speaker 5: Oh, man.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: But can I tell you, Mandisa, like you said, you're
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: in therapy? Yes. With time, all of this is not
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: going to matter. It's going to sting and you'll be like, oh,
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: you know, I wish. But it's not going to weigh
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: heavily on you because there's a lot of acceptance that
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: you have to do on yourself. And there's a lot
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: of apologies that you have to accept even when the
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: apologies have.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: Never been done.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: Correct. Yeah.
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: Correct.
• 15:46
  Speaker 8: No, thank you so much.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: Thank you, my angel. Thank you for sharing.
• 15:51
  Speaker 8: Love you guys.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: Love you too.
• 15:53
  Speaker 3: Bye.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: Guys, people are going through the most day.
• 15:57
  Speaker 5: I feel like I'm on three talk with no lean.
• 15:59
  Speaker 5: With clinical psychologists, it's a piece of my attention to
• 16:02
  Speaker 5: help us talk through it.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: And we're not even done. We haven't even started. Joy Andersberg,
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: what do you think?
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: Hi, everybody.
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: My husband and I are retired, and we recently bought
• 16:13
  Speaker 4: our 32-year-old son a small house. He struggled to find
• 16:16
  Speaker 4: direction and isn't financially stable. However, when our 27-year-old daughter
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: found out, she was furious.
• 16:22
  Speaker 5: She was fuming.
• 16:23
  Speaker 4: She's married, has two kids, and has worked hard to
• 16:26
  Speaker 4: build a stable life on her own. She says we've
• 16:29
  Speaker 4: always gone the extra mile for her brother while she's
• 16:32
  Speaker 4: had to figure out everything on her own or by herself.
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: She's now distant from us, not answering our calls, not
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: talking to us, saying we were rewarding failure and overlooking success.
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: But we feel like our son simply needed the help more.
• 16:44
  Speaker 9: Honestly, the son needs to grow up here.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: He had a black cat. Yeah, guys, it'd be like that.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: I had to buy my own car, but they bought
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: my sister a car.
• 16:53
  Speaker 9: I fully understand Maureen's position in terms of her son
• 16:56
  Speaker 9: needed it more.
• 16:57
  Speaker 5: Oh my goodness, what a topic.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: I think I'm the daughter in this case. I'm number
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: two of four.
• 17:03
  Speaker 9: And wow.
• 17:04
  Speaker 5: Wow.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: I have watched people being bailed out from machonisas.
• 17:10
  Speaker 4: I think the brother is the way that he is
• 17:12
  Speaker 4: because the parents have been probably his whole life.
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: Giving him money, giving him money, giving him money.
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: And he's financially unstable now because he doesn't know how.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: To handle it.
• 17:22
  Speaker 9: All the responsible siblings stand up and let's all cry
• 17:25
  Speaker 9: together because you'll be left to work hard to buy
• 17:28
  Speaker 9: your first apartment and the slacker will just get everything
• 17:32
  Speaker 9: on a silver platter.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: It's not fair.
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: Siblings always have this thing, hey, where the one is
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: getting more than I'm getting. Is that a natural thing?
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: The amount of siblings that I can tell you about
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: where the family home gets left to all of them,
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: maybe split amongst the five of you, but there's one
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: who's always lived there, has.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: Never moved out.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: Everybody else went on to make their own money, you know,
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: buy their own properties.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: Then the one who lives there feels that it's their house.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: He's like, it's not your house. I get it split
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: between the five of us, but I've always lived here.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: And now, and I know a friend of mine was
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: going through this when her mom passed away. The other
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: siblings actually fought the sale of it. They would sabotage
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: people coming to.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: View the house.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: They weren't paying rates and taxes and levies and all
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: of that. And then she was like, no, guys, it's fine.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: We're going to sell the house. And when we sell
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: the house, we're going to first pay for the fact
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: that you guys have been paying for the rates and taxes.
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: And then we're going to split that money.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I'm saying? It's... in my mind
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: I'm like how does it work in.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: Your head when something was left to all of us
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: but you feel you're more justified for it because you've
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: always lived there but.
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: You've never paid for anything yeah but it's because now
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: what so I mean do I have the means if
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: I was in this situation do I have the means
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: to move out if we sell the house that's.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: My home but you've got the means to think.
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: You guys are going to kick me out of my
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: home you've.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: Got the means to apply yourself you've got the means
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: to think your brain doesn't require any money for it
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: to work ah Ben, you're in Alberton.
• 19:03
  Speaker 7: Good morning. How are you, team?
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: Feeling sorry for everybody this morning.
• 19:07
  Speaker 7: Ben, are we all... I've been in a similar situation,
• 19:11
  Speaker 7: except I'm a one-kid parent. But what I want to
• 19:14
  Speaker 7: stress here is Maureen was right in helping her. But,
• 19:19
  Speaker 7: you know, it's very difficult to see your kids sitting
• 19:21
  Speaker 7: in a gutter or battling and battling. Helping her, but
• 19:25
  Speaker 7: buying the house was absolutely wrong. What she should have
• 19:29
  Speaker 7: done is paid the rent and said, right, you've got
• 19:31
  Speaker 7: until such time and slowly put a choke on it,
• 19:35
  Speaker 7: giving him money to get him right, which I did
• 19:37
  Speaker 7: and my son came right.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: So ultimatums, but like not immediate ones, ones where you
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: give him like, you know, time to be like, by
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: this time of this year, all of this is going
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: to end. So you've got now an opportunity to get
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: yourself right.
• 19:52
  Speaker 7: You slowly take him over. You start giving him less
• 19:56
  Speaker 7: and less and less. And then it becomes difficult and
• 19:58
  Speaker 7: you help him get a job. You help him do something.
• 20:01
  Speaker 7: But giving him hours was absolutely wrong. Pay the rent
• 20:05
  Speaker 7: and pay half the rent or come to some agreement.
• 20:07
  Speaker 7: I don't know what the situation is.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: And then let's say by the given date, you know,
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: he's not gotten a job, he's not gotten himself together.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: What do you then do as a parent?
• 20:20
  Speaker 7: I can't answer it because I battled for a long time.
• 20:22
  Speaker 7: I battled for four years.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: And you finally got it right.
• 20:25
  Speaker 7: I think what I want to stress, it's difficult to
• 20:28
  Speaker 7: see your kid down in the gutter.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: It is.
• 20:32
  Speaker 7: And not do anything.
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: That's what I started by saying that. I feel sorry
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: for Maureen because I think it's the hardest thing, right?
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: Knowing that you can help, knowing you shouldn't help because
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: it's not going to change what the problem is. I
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: think that's what you're saying as well, Ben.
• 20:45
  Speaker 7: Absolutely, Frankie. On the head. Hit the nail on the
• 20:48
  Speaker 7: head there.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: Guys, you buy a house. You know what a house needs? Furniture.
• 20:53
  Speaker 7: And you've got to maintain it. And when you pay
• 20:57
  Speaker 7: rent in a flat, you buy a little dungeon. Sometimes
• 21:00
  Speaker 7: you've got a roof over the head. It's not too
• 21:02
  Speaker 7: much luxury.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Ben. From Alberton to Ruarapu. Annie,
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: good morning.
• 21:10
  Speaker 8: Good morning, Sam. Morning, Annie.
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: How are you?
• 21:13
  Speaker 6: Fine, and you?
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: You're so keen to hear what you have to say.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: This one is tough, I won't lie.
• 21:19
  Speaker 6: So I'm the daughter of a financial planner, so I
• 21:22
  Speaker 6: had it a little different. My dad, when I was born,
• 21:27
  Speaker 6: when my brother was born, he started saving. So by
• 21:31
  Speaker 6: the time we finished school, we were each handed an
• 21:34
  Speaker 6: in-case-something-happens fund. And that money is there for each of us,
• 21:39
  Speaker 6: the same amount in two bank accounts. And we know
• 21:42
  Speaker 6: that whenever something happens, And we need like a little
• 21:46
  Speaker 6: injection or a help or something. We have our own
• 21:50
  Speaker 6: in case something happens fund. But that is it. He said,
• 21:55
  Speaker 6: this is me helping you. That money will earn interest
• 21:58
  Speaker 6: in this account. You can use it as savings. You
• 22:00
  Speaker 6: can use it if something happens. If nothing happens, you've
• 22:03
  Speaker 6: got a nice deposit for a house one day. And
• 22:07
  Speaker 6: I did the same when my son was born. He's
• 22:09
  Speaker 6: 12 years old now by the time he finishes school.
• 22:12
  Speaker 6: He's going to have his own little in case something
• 22:14
  Speaker 6: happens fund. Because my parents said, we are not here
• 22:17
  Speaker 6: to be your financial institutions. Come to me for hugs
• 22:20
  Speaker 6: and high fives. They are free in the time of
• 22:23
  Speaker 6: the day. But I worked hard for my money and
• 22:27
  Speaker 6: I will teach you how to work hard for yours.
• 22:30
  Speaker 6: And if anything happens, there's a little.
• 22:34
  Speaker 6: That you can dig into but it has been fair
• 22:37
  Speaker 6: across the board my brother and I he dug in
• 22:40
  Speaker 6: a few times I've dug in a few times because
• 22:42
  Speaker 6: you know life will life but we never go to
• 22:46
  Speaker 6: our parents and say like help out a little because
• 22:52
  Speaker 6: we've been given these funds that we are also now
• 22:56
  Speaker 6: learning to manage responsibly. It's not like we took it
• 22:58
  Speaker 6: out and took a trip to the Maldives.
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: Annie, I want to ask, so this is cash that
• 23:05
  Speaker 3: you both got, right? And then your parents, they didn't
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: buy you cars, they didn't do, did they do those
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: things as well?
• 23:11
  Speaker 6: So what my dad did, as a financial planner, he
• 23:14
  Speaker 6: saw all of the variables. So we also each had
• 23:18
  Speaker 6: a policy that paid out when we turned 18 that.
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: Was Okay, for that stuff.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: Supposed to go to varsity.
• 23:24
  Speaker 6: Okay, all right. And I didn't go to varsity. So
• 23:27
  Speaker 6: my dad said, now you can use what I was
• 23:29
  Speaker 6: going to pay for your first year tuition, buy a car,
• 23:31
  Speaker 6: but then you start working. This car drives you to
• 23:34
  Speaker 6: an office. And I started working the January after I
• 23:38
  Speaker 6: matriculated with this little skedonkey donk that I drove.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: So he made provisions.
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: So he's very fair. He's very fair.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: He's very fair, yeah.
• 23:47
  Speaker 6: My brother took it and he went to go study
• 23:50
  Speaker 6: and He found lift clubs and things, and eventually he
• 23:54
  Speaker 6: saved up. He used a little bit of his in-case-something-happens
• 23:57
  Speaker 6: fund for a deposit for a car. But there's your money.
• 24:03
  Speaker 6: The rest is mine. I worked my whole life for
• 24:05
  Speaker 6: this money. I'm going to spend it, and you need
• 24:07
  Speaker 6: to wait until we kick the bucket until you get
• 24:09
  Speaker 6: what's left. But here is the money.
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 24:12
  Speaker 6: For you in case something happens. And I think that
• 24:15
  Speaker 6: was a very fair way. We've never gone to our
• 24:17
  Speaker 6: parents for that help. We go to them for babysitting
• 24:21
  Speaker 6: and things like that.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: Hugs and high fives.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: Hugs and high fives.
• 24:24
  Speaker 9: Hugs and high fives.
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: That's the name of the book. That's the name of
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: your book your dad's going to write that we all
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: need to read.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Hugs and high fives.
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: Wow.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: But you know, in situations like this, I'm keen to know,
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: because not everything can be perfect, right? I'm keen to
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: know where the dad comes up short in parenting. Because
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: you can't be a 100% perfect parent.
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: No, but I don't think Annie's saying that.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: No, no, I know that, but I'm just keen to
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: know if she had to fault him on one thing.
• 24:52
  Speaker 6: Oh, yeah.
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: Because siblings, right? So it's always like, where did you get,
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: did you get more high fives?
• 24:58
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: Because that's still, there's always that thing.
• 25:00
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: Keen to know, but sounds like a solid story. Goodbye now.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: Back to making your morning. And Nelly and the club.
• 25:08
  Speaker 8: I love this show.
• 25:09
  Speaker 5: On 947.