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17: Monday Moment: The Story After the Story · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:00
  Okay, happy Monday moment, friends.
• 0:03
  Today I wanna talk about how much of our pain has less to do with what happens and more to do with the story we tell about it.
• 0:12
  Recently I said something to someone I care about.
• 0:15
  I meant well, but it wasn't my most emotionally intelligent moment, and they were upset and rightfully so, and in the face of that upset, I could feel it starting that inner spiral.
• 0:28
  How could I be so stupid?
• 0:29
  I knew better.
• 0:30
  Why did I say that?
• 0:32
  You know that voice.
• 0:33
  And in that moment I realized I had a choice.
• 0:37
  I could keep berating myself or I could give myself some grace.
• 0:41
  I knew that I hadn't intended any harm, and after all, I'm human and I'll mess up sometimes.
• 0:48
  But that moment got me thinking about how often the event and the story get tangled together.
• 0:53
  Someone unfriends you.
• 0:55
  You get reorged out of a job.
• 0:57
  You receive critical feedback.
• 0:59
  The event happens, then the story comes rushing in.
• 1:04
  This means I'm not wanted.
• 1:05
  This means I'm failing.
• 1:06
  This means I'm behind.
• 1:07
  This means I'm in danger.
• 1:10
  Now, I'm not suggesting we pretend hard things aren't hard.
• 1:15
  Losing a job can obviously shock your system.
• 1:18
  But after the initial hit, the story we build on top of it often creates the ongoing suffering.
• 1:26
  One story says that's it.
• 1:28
  This is the end, and another says, Hmm, maybe this is a pivot.
• 1:33
  Those two stories will create very different nervous systems, very different behaviors, and very different futures.
• 1:41
  Even something small like getting caught in traffic, you can go to.
• 1:46
  Like, why does this always happen to me?
• 1:49
  Or you can go to, I guess I have an extra 10 minutes to breathe or to listen to a Monday moment.
• 1:56
  Same traffic, different story.
• 1:59
  And sometimes the harshest story isn't even about the situation.
• 2:04
  It's about ourselves.
• 2:05
  Calling yourself stupid or tearing yourself down obviously doesn't make you any better, but it's your nervous system trying to regain control.
• 2:14
  The story goes, if I can make it my fault, then at least it's predictable.
• 2:19
  And if it's predictable, maybe I can prevent it next time.
• 2:24
  It's a very painful way to operate, but it does give the illusion of control.
• 2:30
  So today my invitation is simple.
• 2:34
  I would just ask you to notice when something doesn't go your way.
• 2:39
  What story forms first?
• 2:42
  Is it fear, catastrophe, self attack, and this is the important part.
• 2:51
  Is there another story available?
• 2:54
  Not a fake positive one, not a bypass, just one that feels a little less punishing because sometimes the pain isn't coming from the event.
• 3:05
  It's coming from our own narrative.
• 3:07
  Okay.
• 3:08
  And you may have more say in that than you think.
• 3:12
  Okay.
• 3:13
  Many blessings.
• 3:14
  Cheers.
• 3:16
  I.