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How This Teen Rebuilt Trust With His Parents · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:34
  Ben: All right, everyone.
• 0:35
  Ben: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:38
  Ben: I don't usually do, a lot of interviews, but last week we did an interview and I told you you were in for a treat because she was awesome.
• 0:48
  Ben: Guess what?
• 0:49
  Ben: I'm gonna tell you the exact same thing.
• 0:50
  Ben: Like, we have another interview and you are in for a treat.
• 0:55
  Ben: This one is a little bit different from last week.
• 0:57
  Ben: Last week we spoke with a mother who went through my program, and it really helped her change her parenting and her life.
• 1:06
  Ben: Today, we are going to be talking to a knucklehead teenager.
• 1:11
  Ben: Actually, you're not a knucklehead anymore, right?
• 1:14
  Brayden: Mm-hmm.
• 1:14
  Brayden: Yeah.
• 1:15
  Ben: Okay.
• 1:16
  Ben: Awesome.
• 1:16
  Ben: So, this young man, his name is Brayden, and Brayden, before I let you introduce yourself.
• 1:21
  Ben: let me just say I don't know if you know this, but you have a lot of qualities that I had as a teenager, that sometimes those qualities get misunderstood by adults, and adults see you as, like, manipulative, dishonest, unreliable.
• 1:39
  Ben: And one of the things that I've loved working with you, number one, it's like I get to go back in time and coach my past self and be like,"Look, bro, here are some of the things that you need to be doing better." But, like, you hold a special place in my heart because I feel like you and I are very similar, especially in our, like, good looks.
• 1:59
  Ben: Like, seriously, we're both killer handsome.
• 2:02
  Ben: Anyways, Brayden, why don't you take a minute and tell us a little bit about yourself.
• 2:07
  Ben: Like, who are you, why did we end up working together, and tell everyone how awesome you are at hockey.
• 2:15
  Brayden: Okay.
• 2:15
  Brayden: So, my name's Brayden.
• 2:17
  Brayden: I'm from Texas, born and raised.
• 2:20
  Brayden: I've played hockey since I was about 10 years old, and, the reason I'm here kinda doing this program or did this program is'cause, I definitely had, a big struggle with, communicating with my parents, and especially with the, the honesty, dishonesty side of things.
• 2:40
  Ben: Yeah.
• 2:41
  Ben: which...
• 2:42
  Ben: Let me just ask you this.
• 2:43
  Ben: Was, like, did you enjoy our coaching together?
• 2:47
  Brayden: Oh, absolutely.
• 2:48
  Brayden: Like, every bit of it.
• 2:49
  Ben: Like, it's not boring.
• 2:51
  Ben: It's not like you're getting lectured.
• 2:53
  Ben: Actually, I do remember one time, like, you got, like, the come to Jesus moment with me.
• 3:00
  Ben: But I feel like- Mm like, even that was a good coaching call, right?
• 3:03
  Brayden: Mm.
• 3:04
  Brayden: Yeah.
• 3:05
  Brayden: No, I remember you saying how you filled my bucket enough to be able to kinda extract from it as well.
• 3:11
  Ben: Yeah.
• 3:11
  Brayden: So, like, even those times where I needed a little stern talking to, it was, like, way better than any teacher I've had in the past at school.
• 3:22
  Ben: Yeah.
• 3:22
  Ben: And for you parents listening, like, that's one of the concepts that I really teach.
• 3:26
  Ben: Like, I stole the emotional bank account concept from Stephen Covey, the guy that wrote Seven Habits of Highly Successful People and Highly Successful Teens.
• 3:38
  Ben: Actually, I think that was his son.
• 3:40
  Ben: Anyways, I, I had made enough relationship deposits that I could make a pretty big withdrawal at that time and be like,"Look, dude, you are not putting in the work.
• 3:51
  Ben: Let's get your crap together and let's move forward." And honestly, that was kind of the point...
• 3:56
  Ben: Like, you've always been a good client, but that was the point where I feel like you stepped it up a notch.
• 4:02
  Ben: And in addition to being a life coach for parents and their teenagers, I also coach high school football, and I have seen that exact point in football where you have a player that you know should be a stud and for whatever reason, they aren't.
• 4:19
  Ben: They aren't taking it serious.
• 4:21
  Ben: They aren't bought into the program.
• 4:23
  Ben: They're not doing the lifts, like, whatever it might be.
• 4:26
  Ben: And I feel like when you have that type of a conversation with an elite athlete, one of two things happens.
• 4:34
  Ben: Number one, probably more often than not, they just check out, and they're like,"Well, this guy sucks.
• 4:38
  Ben: I'm not gonna do it." And number two, the one that happens less often but the more preferable desired outcome, the athlete is like,"Dang, you're right," and they step it up.
• 4:49
  Ben: And I kind of feel like you went through a process where you really stepped it up.
• 4:54
  Ben: let me ask you this.
• 4:55
  Ben: I didn't even bring this up before we hit record, so this'll be a surprise to both of us.
• 5:01
  Ben: You had the benefit of going through my program while your mother also went through my program.
• 5:08
  Ben: How was that?
• 5:09
  Ben: Like, what's your take on that?
• 5:11
  Brayden: I think that was actually almost like a blessing in disguise because, I always struggle with, like, remembering things and, and, like, keeping on top of the tasks I need to do.
• 5:24
  Brayden: And, one task that was brought to me is to teach to my parents.
• 5:28
  Brayden: And I think having, having my mom already in the program, she would kinda like, she'd remind me to be able to teach her, and she'd already know, like, pretty much what's going on.
• 5:41
  Brayden: And so she'd also be able to, like, step in and, like, let me know what I'm missing.
• 5:46
  Brayden: So for the next person that I teach, it's an even stronger, a lesson, you know?
• 5:52
  Ben: Yeah.
• 5:53
  Ben: Awesome.
• 5:54
  Ben: And I'll be honest with you, there was one point where your mother texted me, and I can't remember the words word for word, so I'm just gonna paraphrase, and I'll probably not do her justice.
• 6:04
  Ben: But she's like- Brayden is so manipulative, and he's trying to take advantage." And I'm like,"What's he doing?" And you were using, like, my exact communication, like how to have empowering conversations.
• 6:18
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 6:18
  Ben: And there's, like, this awkward conversation where I was like,"Well, sounds to me like he's using the skills that I've taught you guys, and you're not." And she's like, You're right.
• 6:29
  Ben: I need to, like, go stand in my role as a parent, and I need to run a..." Anyways, I, I have loved working with both of you.
• 6:38
  Ben: And, it's always really cool when I get to work with both a mom and her teen because, all you moms listening, as awesome as it's gonna sound to hear from Brayden today and some of the things that he's changed in his life, you as the parent are 99% of the time the catalyst for change.
• 7:00
  Ben: And so just because you're gonna hear all these awesome things about Brayden and all the work that he's been doing, as a parent, internalize that and just realize,"I'm the catalyst for change." And part of the reason I was able to work with Brayden is because his mom was doing work as well.
• 7:17
  Ben: And when parents put in the work, typically that inspires work with the teenager.
• 7:23
  Ben: Brayden, let me ask you this.
• 7:24
  Ben: What would you say, coming into my coaching program, what is maybe one or two of the things that you were struggling with the most?
• 7:34
  Brayden: I think the thing I was struggling with most was definitely just accepting the answers and that my parents gave me.
• 7:43
  Brayden: So like I'd, I'd ask to hang out with friends at a pretty, pretty bad hour, and, of course, I'd get a response that I'm not ready for, I didn't prepare myself for, and, I'd, I'd want to argue back.
• 7:57
  Brayden: I'd want to fight back, and that kind of led to, to a, a really, really tough friction level, relationship.
• 8:08
  Brayden: And, yeah, it really just destroyed a lot of, like, honesty between both sides, you know?
• 8:16
  Ben: Yeah.
• 8:17
  Ben: What would you say your level of trust was with your parents when you started working with me?
• 8:23
  Ben: Like on a scale of one to 10, like one being like we don't trust Brayden as far as we can throw him, and you're what, like 160, 170 pounds, so they couldn't throw you very far.
• 8:34
  Ben: So like no trust to 10 being, you know what?
• 8:37
  Ben: If Brayden says he's hanging out with his friends, we trust that he's there.
• 8:42
  Ben: We're not like driving past the house.
• 8:44
  Ben: We're not checking his location constantly.
• 8:46
  Ben: Like they actually trust you.
• 8:48
  Ben: Where would you say your parents' trust was when you and I started working together?
• 8:53
  Brayden: You know, I honestly wanna say it's just about as close to one as possible.
• 8:59
  Brayden: And, it really was if I wasn't at school or someplace I legally needed to be, then I would have to send photos of me and who I'm with every 15 minutes.
• 9:12
  Ben: Dang.
• 9:13
  Ben: And where would you say your, their trust with you is now?
• 9:18
  Brayden: I think, like, I wish I could go past a 10.
• 9:22
  Brayden: It's, it's been such a blessing to, to be able to have not only just freedoms, but a peace of mind that my parents trust me.
• 9:32
  Ben: Yeah.
• 9:33
  Ben: Now, do you feel like that trust was just given to you, or do you feel like you had to work for it and earn it?
• 9:39
  Brayden: I had to work so hard.
• 9:41
  Brayden: Yeah, what- It, oh my gosh, so much stuff.
• 9:43
  Ben: What are some of the things that you did to work for it?
• 9:46
  Brayden: Well, some of the stuff was really just making sacrifices.
• 9:51
  Brayden: And, I mean, times I wanted to go out with friends, it was like I just had to accept, like,"Hey, it's not gonna happen, and my friends are gonna go hang out, and I just can't go." That, that's the end of the story.
• 10:05
  Brayden: And, some other sacrifices was putting in more work into, like, into my, my responsibilities around the house.
• 10:14
  Brayden: Or even at school, you know, like raise my grades to show I can handle this and I can handle other things.
• 10:21
  Brayden: Or even just, like, like show my dedication to hockey and kinda practice and, and see the, the change in hockey and kinda, like, prove that, hey, I'm, I'm, I'm able to, to do the things, like around the house, now let me go off and, and do things with friends.
• 10:44
  Brayden: Or,
• 10:45
  Ben: Yeah
• 10:45
  Brayden: like give me some more, some more, what is it?
• 10:48
  Brayden: Some more freedoms- Yeah and chances to go be with others.
• 10:53
  Ben: I remember a point, I don't always remember all the details, so you might have to correct me.
• 10:58
  Ben: But I remember a point where you wanted more freedom, more, like, screen time, and you're like,"My mom is being such a jerk." And this might have been the come to Jesus moment that we had.
• 11:10
  Ben: And I remember- Mm being like,"Dude- W- what's happening in the morning like when you go to school?
• 11:14
  Ben: And you're like,"I sleep in.
• 11:17
  Ben: I can't get out of bed.
• 11:18
  Ben: I'm late to school every day." And I'm like,"Bro, if you can't even handle the responsibility of getting out of bed on time, how do you expect to get more responsibilities?" Yeah.
• 11:28
  Ben: Do you remember this conversation?
• 11:30
  Brayden: Yeah.
• 11:30
  Brayden: oh my gosh, bringing back so much.
• 11:33
  Brayden: I, I had to sacrifice even just like, like the final hours of my day just so I'd be able to go sit down and relax before bed so that I actually get up in the mornings and go to school.
• 11:46
  Ben: Yeah.
• 11:47
  Ben: One of the things that I think a lot of teens don't realize, I...
• 11:52
  Ben: And parents.
• 11:53
  Ben: Parents really struggle with this because, like our generation, so like me and your parents, we didn't have the level of distractions that your generation has.
• 12:04
  Ben: And we probably grew up with, I don't know, just as much control or more control.
• 12:11
  Ben: And what would happen is at my age, like we didn't have cell phones.
• 12:15
  Ben: Like you had to prove that you were responsible and capable to get some of the freedoms that you wanted.
• 12:23
  Ben: And for you, when you were at like,"Oh my goodness, yeah, like if I wake up and go to school, that does show that I'm more responsible, and maybe my parents will give me more freedoms." And I feel like part of the work that you had to do is really embracing what can I control?
• 12:43
  Ben: How do I show up and be the version of me that controls that and is the man that I want to be?
• 12:50
  Ben: Because that version of me is automatically trusted and connected to more freedoms.
• 12:57
  Ben: Does that sound accurate?
• 12:59
  Brayden: Yeah, absolutely.
• 13:00
  Ben: Okay, let me ask you this.
• 13:02
  Ben: What would you say...
• 13:03
  Ben: What's the number one most beneficial thing that you've taken from our time together?
• 13:11
  Brayden: I think since day one, it's been the self-coaching model.
• 13:15
  Brayden: And so, I'm sure most people listening in know the, the main concept.
• 13:21
  Brayden: But, it's, really like just being able to accept what's going on around me and to really hone in on, like, me and just myself and how I can handle what's going on.
• 13:34
  Brayden: That, like, was an absolute game changer and really helped me when it came to talking with family, friends, or, really just, like, doing anything at all.
• 13:46
  Ben: Yeah.
• 13:47
  Ben: The self-coaching model.
• 13:48
  Ben: For those of you listening, if this is your first time and you don't know what that is, that's fine.
• 13:52
  Ben: I'll teach it real quick.
• 13:54
  Ben: The self-coaching model is basically just this pattern, and it starts with circumstances.
• 14:00
  Ben: These are things outside of your control, and those circumstances trigger thoughts within you.
• 14:06
  Ben: And you can control what you think, how you think, the stories that you let go on in your mind.
• 14:12
  Ben: And so in the self-coaching model, you have circumstances, then you have thoughts, and those thoughts create your feelings.
• 14:19
  Ben: And your feelings drive your actions or behaviors, and your actions create your results.
• 14:27
  Ben: And Brayden's model kind of sucked.
• 14:30
  Ben: He was not getting the results that he wanted.
• 14:33
  Ben: He wasn't behaving in a way that would get him the results that he wanted or the freedom that he wanted, and he was not intentional about what he was feeling and why he was feeling it, which were his thoughts.
• 14:44
  Ben: So, I love that that's part of the reason I teach that so early on.
• 14:49
  Ben: I love that it's the most beneficial thing.
• 14:51
  Ben: But I teach it early on because, like, I've been in the coaching space since 2018.
• 14:57
  Ben: That's almost 10 years, like six and a half years, and I still use that tool every day.
• 15:04
  Ben: And just by teaching it to you early, you can start using it earlier and earlier.
• 15:10
  Ben: W- What's another concept that you feel like really helped you?
• 15:14
  Brayden: this one isn't as much a concept, but more just like, like an idea, and it was really just accepting no.
• 15:22
  Brayden: So we had, I don't know, two, two full sessions just talking about how- At least to accept no.
• 15:30
  Brayden: And yeah, and like ways to like handle a no or ways to like bring up more chances to even get nos.
• 15:38
  Brayden: So one of my favorite things to do-
• 15:40
  Ben: Talk about that one real quick.
• 15:40
  Brayden: Yeah, talk
• 15:41
  Ben: about
• 15:41
  Brayden: that Yeah.
• 15:41
  Brayden: one of my favorite things to do was just to go up to my parents and like just ask for like outrageous things.
• 15:48
  Brayden: Ask for loads of money or for expensive cars or to, to go hang out with friends at like, I don't know, like 1:00 in the morning or something.
• 15:59
  Brayden: Like let's say I'm up grabbing a snack and I see my mom.
• 16:03
  Brayden: I'll be like,"Hey, could I go leave the house?" Of course, it's gonna be no, and so I already prepared myself.
• 16:10
  Brayden: And just being prepared for that no and not expecting anything out of it just made it so much easier to like get nos later down the road, and it taught me to not expect nos for even, or yeah, to not expect a yes for things that I want later.
• 16:32
  Brayden: And so like, like for example, hey, let's say it's just a Saturday afternoon, want to go to the mall with friends.
• 16:38
  Brayden: I wouldn't expect my parents to say yes, and it was honestly like, like I felt better when they said yes because I wasn't expecting it.
• 16:48
  Brayden: And so, definitely like- Like, that right there was huge.
• 16:53
  Brayden: So huge.
• 16:55
  Ben: Yeah.
• 16:55
  Ben: Let me tell you where that lesson came from, by the way.
• 16:58
  Ben: I actually think I probably told you, but I haven't told all my listeners.
• 17:01
  Ben: But my wife and I were foster parents for 10 years, and foster kids really struggle with some of the more basic teenage and young adult skills, like accepting no.
• 17:13
  Ben: And we would seriously have to practice it.
• 17:15
  Ben: Like, there was one of my foster kids that we had set a goal, like you have to practice accepting no appropriately at least 10 times a day.
• 17:24
  Ben: And this kid was like 14.
• 17:26
  Ben: And we'd get in the car to take him to school, and he'd be like,"Can I drive?" And we'd be like,"No, of course you can't drive." And he'd be like,"Okay." And we're like,"Oh, I see what you're doing there.
• 17:36
  Ben: Good job accepting no." And he'd be like,"Hey, can I invite a bunch of friends over?
• 17:41
  Ben: And like, can you guys go buy us alcohol or something?" And we'd be like, No.
• 17:45
  Ben: Like, we would never do that.
• 17:46
  Ben: What is w- Oh, yeah, I see what you're doing." And he literally had to practice the skill probably over the course of, like, a couple months before he got to the point that it wasn't just instantly arguing, yelling, just walking out of the house.
• 18:02
  Ben: Like, my own kids I could go tackle and be like,"You know what?
• 18:05
  Ben: I'm not letting you leave." A foster kid, they're not my kid.
• 18:08
  Ben: I can't tackle him.
• 18:09
  Ben: It's like, Ah, all right.
• 18:10
  Ben: See ya." And for you to kind of go through a similar process, though much faster, I congratulate you.
• 18:17
  Ben: You were much quicker than that- Well- particular foster kid.
• 18:21
  Ben: But still, like, you can see the deficit that you had.
• 18:24
  Ben: And all you needed was...
• 18:27
  Ben: It's, it's like hockey.
• 18:28
  Ben: Like, I don't even play hockey, so I don't even know.
• 18:31
  Ben: But I can imagine- skating can be hard for some people, right?
• 18:35
  Brayden: Mm-hmm.
• 18:36
  Ben: All you need is more time on the ice, more reps, more practice.
• 18:40
  Ben: And that was what you needed when it came to that skill of accepting no.
• 18:45
  Ben: And then I remember once...
• 18:47
  Ben: Like, you texted me one time.
• 18:49
  Ben: And you're like,"Dude, I'm trying to disagree appropriately and my parents aren't giving me what I want." I was like,"Bro, you gotta master the basics.
• 18:56
  Ben: You gotta get better at accepting no before you- Mm can then disagree appropriately." Do you remember- Yeah kind of that transition?
• 19:05
  Ben: Like, what did you...
• 19:06
  Ben: When were you able to start disagreeing appropriately?
• 19:10
  Brayden: Well, obviously first I had to be able to accept noes, and, I had to be able to like sit with it.
• 19:16
  Brayden: Like, I couldn't disagree appro- appropriately right there,'cause then you're just- Arguing you're just disagreeing at this point.
• 19:23
  Brayden: You're just arguing.
• 19:25
  Brayden: And so, like, trying to think of some examples, but, I guess, like I wanted to go to the lake with a friend, right?
• 19:33
  Brayden: And it'd just be me and him and his mom.
• 19:36
  Brayden: And so at first it was like, like,"Hey, Mom, this Sunday, my friend invited me to go to the lake with his mom.
• 19:45
  Brayden: Is it okay if I go?" And my parents were like,"No, it's a Sunday.
• 19:49
  Brayden: We don't normally do things on Sundays." And, so I just, I accepted that no.
• 19:55
  Brayden: It was all good, right?
• 19:56
  Brayden: And I was like,"Okay.
• 19:58
  Brayden: Well, if I wanna disagree appropriately, let me give it some time." So I gave it a day or two, and, I went back.
• 20:05
  Brayden: And I think the biggest thing was learning to like, to like get them to meet their needs and what they want before meeting my needs and my wants.
• 20:18
  Brayden: And so it was,"Okay, Mom, I know, normally we keep Sundays like keep it holy, you know?
• 20:27
  Brayden: Keep it church-based.
• 20:29
  Brayden: Well, I am ready to, go to church early, right?
• 20:33
  Brayden: Help out in the morning.
• 20:35
  Brayden: I'll go all the way through church.
• 20:36
  Brayden: I'll go meet with a few people after church, do some like, some ministering work or whatever, go teach a few lessons to some people." And then I could be ready to go to the lake, and it was like, oh.
• 20:49
  Brayden: My, my mom was like,"Oh, you're willing to put in some work for what you want.
• 20:55
  Brayden: This is great." And then it was like- Then my mom was like,"Oh, well, you gotta be doing that work around the house." I was like,"Okay, okay.
• 21:04
  Brayden: I see what I need to do," and I left the conversation.
• 21:07
  Brayden: I didn't need a yes right then.
• 21:09
  Brayden: So then it was just, like, keep touching back on it while doing the things you can without, like, like, asking about it constantly.
• 21:19
  Brayden: So then I went, did my chores, did whatever cleaning I could do throughout the house, help out my sisters, and, came back to it.
• 21:29
  Brayden: "Hey, Mom, so, I'm...
• 21:31
  Brayden: What, what are you thinking on this Sunday?" And, it ended up being a no, and I was totally okay with that.
• 21:39
  Brayden: But I did so much work then, and she saw it, that later asking for things so much quicker.
• 21:47
  Brayden: The process became quicker, it became easier, and, she gi- she gave me more yeses.
• 21:53
  Brayden: And so, yeah.
• 21:55
  Ben: Yeah.
• 21:56
  Ben: I remember having a conversation with you, and hopefully this isn't offensive to anyone listening, but Brayden's a teenage boy.
• 22:03
  Ben: Th- I gotta communicate in ways of teenage boys.
• 22:06
  Ben: But do you remember me one time bringing up the example, like,"Brayden, say there's this girl that you want to make out with, and you wanna connect with and hang out." And I'm like, Brayden, let's say you're a gentleman, you're nice, you're polite, you're kind just so that she'll make out with you.
• 22:25
  Ben: Like, what does that say about you?" And do you remember your answer?
• 22:30
  Brayden: I was like, that guy's a douche," right?
• 22:33
  Ben: Yeah, I guess- Something along
• 22:34
  Brayden: the lines of that.
• 22:35
  Ben: Yeah, something along that.
• 22:36
  Ben: Like, he's a jerk.
• 22:37
  Ben: Like- Yeah that's not me.
• 22:38
  Ben: And I was like,"Okay, now Brayden, what if, like, there's this girl, you still wanna make out with her, you wanna, like, be with her, like, but you're a gentleman because that's who you are.
• 22:50
  Ben: And you're kind-" Yeah.
• 22:51
  Ben: you're polite, you're respectful.
• 22:52
  Ben: And whether or not she wants to make out with you or hang out with you or whatever, you're kind and polite because that's who you are." Now-
• 23:01
  Brayden: Yeah
• 23:02
  Ben: w- what's the difference between those two for you?
• 23:05
  Brayden: like are you looking for like example or for like what I think about it like?
• 23:10
  Ben: Well, like you said the one would be like kind of a douche or a jerk.
• 23:13
  Ben: What would you say about- Yeah the second version?
• 23:16
  Brayden: I, I mean the second version it's like that's like a personable person and they actually care.
• 23:22
  Brayden: You know?
• 23:22
  Ben: Yeah.
• 23:23
  Ben: Like that's who you wanna be anyways, right?
• 23:25
  Brayden: Mm-hmm.
• 23:26
  Brayden: Yeah.
• 23:27
  Ben: And I feel like that's kind of this fine line, especially you.
• 23:31
  Ben: Like you someday should probably go into sales at some level.
• 23:35
  Ben: Like m- come talk to me.
• 23:36
  Ben: I'll have you go door to door- Yeah and we'll do solar or pest control or something.
• 23:41
  Ben: But the thing is when you can have a heart of service, like I want to help you get your needs met and what you want because that's who I am, and I trust that by meeting your needs and helping you get what you want, that my needs and my desires will be met.
• 24:02
  Ben: And you see it a lot in sales.
• 24:04
  Ben: Like people are super shady because they want what they want, and they're willing to manipulate you to get you to give them what they want.
• 24:13
  Ben: And I feel like you had to do a little bit of work to go from the manipulative Brayden that's only doing these things so that he can get what he wants, to identify,"No, this is actually who I want to be.
• 24:27
  Ben: I wanna be kind.
• 24:28
  Ben: I wanna be honest.
• 24:29
  Ben: I wanna be respectful, and even if I get a no, I trust that if I be the man that I want to be, it will help me get more yeses down the road." Mm-hmm.
• 24:39
  Ben: And like I feel like you've done a g- Like how do you feel?
• 24:43
  Ben: Do you feel like you've done a good job of being the young man that you wanna be?
• 24:48
  Brayden: Yeah.
• 24:48
  Brayden: Absolutely.
• 24:49
  Ben: Awesome.
• 24:50
  Ben: let me ask you this.
• 24:51
  Ben: What would you say if a teenager, poor teens by the way...
• 24:56
  Ben: Brayden, can I just tell you, there are moms right now listening to this podcast thinking, I'm gonna make my teenager listen to this." How do you think that's gonna go over with a teenager?
• 25:05
  Brayden: they're gonna be pretty bored for a lot of it, I will say.
• 25:09
  Ben: Yeah.
• 25:09
  Ben: They're probably not gonna like it.
• 25:10
  Ben: Guys, don't force your teens or your spouses to listen to this podcast.
• 25:15
  Ben: But if a mom was like,"Man, maybe my teen would benefit from working with Ben," like you and I, before we even worked together, remember me saying like,"Dude, I won't work with you if you don't wanna work with me"?
• 25:27
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 25:27
  Ben: And like I even gave you an extra free one in the beginning to show you like,"Look, this is how it's gonna be." Yeah.
• 25:33
  Ben: if a mom was wondering like,"Should I have my teen meet with Ben?" What would you say to that mom?
• 25:39
  Brayden: I'd say it's absolutely worth it to just get started.
• 25:44
  Brayden: See if, see if your kid is gonna like it.
• 25:47
  Brayden: 'Cause, for me, like, going into it, I, I had never done any sort of coaching, like, through, through a, a call, you know, or long distance,'cause that just wasn't how I thought I'd be able to learn.
• 26:01
  Brayden: And, going into that first little session, it was like it had been better than any other, like, any other work I've done in person or not, and it was just...
• 26:13
  Brayden: It was, like, like, magical almost.
• 26:16
  Ben: Yeah.
• 26:17
  Ben: Now let's be completely honest.
• 26:19
  Ben: You worked with me for two full rounds.
• 26:22
  Ben: Yeah.
• 26:23
  Ben: So you and I have been together for, like, six months.
• 26:26
  Ben: I don't know if you know this yet.
• 26:26
  Brayden: Yeah.
• 26:27
  Ben: Yeah.
• 26:28
  Ben: the nice thing is it- most, most of my clients don't necessarily work with me for two full rounds.
• 26:35
  Ben: Some of them do.
• 26:36
  Ben: Some, like, I have one young man, they have worked with me, I think they're on their fifth time around.
• 26:42
  Ben: I've been working with him.
• 26:43
  Ben: He's 17.
• 26:44
  Ben: I've been working with him since he was, like, 14.
• 26:46
  Ben: But most of my clients are like,"Yeah, one time, perfect.
• 26:50
  Ben: I'm good.
• 26:50
  Ben: Like, let's go." for you, like, that first time, I feel like a lot of it was learning a lot of these new concepts, and you knew the concept.
• 27:03
  Ben: You knew the principle.
• 27:04
  Ben: The second time around I feel like was really getting you to embrace that way of being and really take responsibility for some of the areas in your life where you were coming up short.
• 27:16
  Ben: Would you agree with that?
• 27:17
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 27:18
  Brayden: Yeah.
• 27:19
  Ben: So how do you think this is going to benefit you in the future?
• 27:23
  Brayden: Well, I mean, all the concepts I've learned, I've preached it so many times that they're not gonna slip from my mind.
• 27:32
  Brayden: And, I think I've, I've built up my relationships so much, and it's been such a blessing that I really just can't let go of, like, the, the stuff that I've learned.
• 27:43
  Brayden: It's just too good to have.
• 27:47
  Brayden: So yeah.
• 27:48
  Ben: Yeah.
• 27:49
  Ben: I can actually see, like, not that I have a crystal ball in front of me.
• 27:53
  Ben: If I did, it'd be awesome.
• 27:54
  Ben: I could probably see your whole future.
• 27:57
  Ben: But the skills that we've worked on, they're gonna help you in future relationships, like a future girlfriend, a future spouse.
• 28:07
  Ben: You're gonna have children someday.
• 28:08
  Ben: Like, these skills will apply to that.
• 28:11
  Ben: Now, whatever your near future looks like, like you're graduated recently.
• 28:18
  Ben: Congrats, by the way.
• 28:19
  Ben: Like- Wait,
• 28:20
  Brayden: me?
• 28:21
  Ben: Wait, you're only a junior.
• 28:21
  Ben: I
• 28:22
  Brayden: haven't...
• 28:22
  Ben: Yeah.
• 28:23
  Brayden: I'm gonna be a junior.
• 28:25
  Ben: You're right.
• 28:25
  Ben: Although
• 28:25
  Brayden: early graduation will be this year,
• 28:28
  Ben: but- Okay.
• 28:28
  Ben: Yeah.
• 28:29
  Ben: So, like, okay, I have another couple clients that did graduate this year, and I just lumped you in with them.
• 28:35
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 28:35
  Ben: I apologize.
• 28:36
  Ben: so what could your future look like?
• 28:39
  Ben: Like, what are some of the things that might be on your horizon?
• 28:41
  Ben: And let's see how the, these skills could apply to that.
• 28:45
  Brayden: Well, one thing I've been really looking into is my hockey future.
• 28:50
  Brayden: And, one, one thing that's been, like, really good has been, like, using my skills to talk with coaches, with different travel coaches or college coaches.
• 29:01
  Brayden: 'Cause most of the time, like, what they tell me is not what I want to hear.
• 29:07
  Brayden: Like, I ask them, like, like, about different, different times I could, like, meet with the team or, or play with the team, and most of the time it really is like,"We don't think you're good enough" or,"We don't think you're worth the time." And, like, it sucks to hear, but being able to, like, like, learn how to accept that no was so easy, and it, it was...
• 29:33
  Brayden: It, it made it so much lighter.
• 29:36
  Brayden: Didn't think less of myself as a player, as a person.
• 29:40
  Brayden: It was just like,"Hey, that's not where I'm supposed to be, and I'll keep moving on." And so that opened up opportunities for different places, and, I definitely see myself going further now than I have ever before.
• 29:56
  Ben: Yeah.
• 29:57
  Ben: How do you think the school year next year is gonna be different now that, like, honestly, getting you to wake up in the morning and go to school on time, how is that going to improve next year?
• 30:09
  Brayden: I mean, I'm gonna have little to no stress of those, those APs or those counselors kinda, like, like, jumping on me about, not being at school,'cause that happened a lot this year.
• 30:24
  Brayden: And, I think, like, like, the skills I've learned, having relationships be a lot, a lot closer and a lot, like, like, I wanna say, like, a lot kinder or, trying to think of the word.
• 30:38
  Brayden: But, like, like, there's not any more arguing throughout the house, so I'm gonna have a lot less stress here, so I can really focus on the work at school.
• 30:48
  Brayden: And, it'll also be easier to come home and study and not be like,"Oh, man, Dad's mad at me" or whatever, you know?
• 30:55
  Ben: Yeah.
• 30:55
  Ben: Talk to me about the decrease in the arguing, because honestly, I guarantee you there are moms listening to this right now, they're like,"All right, Ben, if you can get my kid to stop arguing with me, let's do it right now." Like, what is different when it comes to arguing in your home, and what role do you have to play in that?
• 31:14
  Brayden: Well, I mean, I think it, it obviously takes two to argue, but, I was definitely like, I was an instigator, you know?
• 31:24
  Brayden: I, I, I never wanted to back down from a, from a little, a bicker between our house.
• 31:31
  Brayden: And, so I think like, like, let's see.
• 31:35
  Brayden: Well, I really gotta think about this, because it was like, arguing was one of the biggest problems.
• 31:41
  Brayden: And so I think it was just like, ooh Let's see.
• 31:47
  Brayden: I mean, you, you heard from, from my mom a lot.
• 31:50
  Brayden: Was there any, like, insight you got that she saw about me or between us?
• 31:56
  Ben: Yeah.
• 31:56
  Ben: I actually remember a time when you had asked for more screen time.
• 32:00
  Ben: You must have been either practicing no or have gotten pretty good at that.
• 32:04
  Ben: Right.
• 32:05
  Ben: And we were like...
• 32:07
  Ben: So by the way, when your mom texts me, it's like, I don't know if she sits down to her laptop to do it or what, but it's like a novel.
• 32:14
  Ben: And anyway- she's like- Yeah in mid-text, and which by the way, like, if you're listening to this, like, all, like, I would say this to your face, so you can't be upset at me.
• 32:24
  Ben: But like, she would send me something, and then she'd be like,"Brayden's asking for more screen time, eye roll," like this will be the start of an argument.
• 32:32
  Ben: I don't know exactly what it was, but like- Uh-huh I remember at one point she's like, Wow, that was weird.
• 32:38
  Ben: He just said okay." And I'm like,"Yes." Mm.
• 32:42
  Ben: I, i- there, from the coach perspective, let me tell you two things that I feel like happened that- probably helped the amount of arguing in your home.
• 32:53
  Ben: Number one, you learning to accept no.
• 32:56
  Ben: I- it sucks to hear, but, like, that's you learning how to take your rightful place in your family.
• 33:04
  Ben: you're not the leader.
• 33:05
  Ben: You're not in charge.
• 33:06
  Ben: You're not the one providing all of your privileges that you enjoy.
• 33:10
  Ben: And so you kind of developed the skill, like,"This is my place in the family." But at the same time, like, your mom was working on, like,"How do I give Brayden a voice?
• 33:22
  Ben: How do I let him be heard?
• 33:24
  Ben: How do I empower him to help come up with solutions?" And so this is just, for anyone listening, like, this is one of my little secrets.
• 33:33
  Ben: I work with parents for free sometimes that first time, and I'm like,"Look, I guarantee you I can get you results, especially if I can talk to Mom and the teen." Because we...
• 33:45
  Ben: Like, I basically cheated right there.
• 33:47
  Ben: I taught you a super powerful skill, how to accept no, how to assume the role that's yours in the family, and I taught your mom how to hold boundaries while basically being on your same team.
• 34:02
  Ben: Like, how do I let Brayden have a voice?
• 34:04
  Ben: How do I let him have a say in things?
• 34:06
  Ben: And when you can attack the arguing from the teen perspective and the parent perspective, arguments almost disappear overnight.
• 34:17
  Ben: And from talking with both you and your mom, it sounds like the arguing is all but eliminated.
• 34:24
  Ben: Is that correct?
• 34:25
  Brayden: Yeah.
• 34:26
  Ben: Yeah.
• 34:26
  Ben: That's awesome.
• 34:27
  Ben: And your mom's awesome, by the way.
• 34:29
  Ben: I love the fact that she was willing to do some work and some soul-searching and really grow and kind of lead by example, because that's her rightful place in the family.
• 34:42
  Ben: Like, she is in charge.
• 34:44
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 34:44
  Ben: She is the one that, like, has power over your privileges.
• 34:48
  Ben: That was another concept.
• 34:49
  Ben: if we had more time, we could talk about rights and privileges, but that's a good one, right?
• 34:54
  Brayden: Oh, yeah.
• 34:55
  Ben: Yeah.
• 34:56
  Ben: So w- we're going a little bit long here.
• 34:59
  Ben: Brayden, let me just...
• 35:01
  Ben: Is there anything that you wish I would have asked you so that you could say this golden nugget that you wish you could leave us with?
• 35:09
  Brayden: Ooh, okay.
• 35:11
  Brayden: Let's see.
• 35:12
  Brayden: I think, there's nothing you haven't asked me that, that I feel needs to be brought up, but I just really wanna highlight, like, about, if, if any parents out there, any moms feel like their kid might not benefit or might not want to, to go through this program, I think it is, like, like, a million times worth to, just try it and, to just, just, like- Ha- I don't wanna say like, like push your kid to do it, but like this is a really good spot to kinda push your kid into.
• 35:48
  Brayden: And, I'm sure like, like going through it after the program or even after like, like that first little session, they will already see the, the value in doing it.
• 36:02
  Ben: Yeah.
• 36:02
  Ben: Thank you.
• 36:03
  Ben: Thank you for saying that.
• 36:05
  Ben: And here's one thing I'd say, like if you guys have been listening to me for very long, you know I don't work with teenagers that don't wanna work with me, and the, the truth is even if your teen won't work with me, that's okay.
• 36:19
  Ben: You have the power to create change as the parent.
• 36:23
  Ben: You have so much impact in your teen's environment.
• 36:26
  Ben: Like if you start changing, your teen will be more likely to change.
• 36:30
  Ben: And Brayden, you probably don't know this about me, but if given the choice, working with the parent, typically the mom, they're my favorite.
• 36:39
  Ben: Like dads are always working, they're tough and thick skulled sometimes.
• 36:44
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 36:44
  Ben: I don't know.
• 36:45
  Ben: But given the choice between working with the mom or the teen, which one do you think I would usually pick first?
• 36:52
  Brayden: I'd probably say teen.
• 36:54
  Ben: Ooh.
• 36:55
  Ben: Mm.
• 36:55
  Ben: Close.
• 36:55
  Ben: No, the mom.
• 36:56
  Ben: Close.
• 36:57
  Ben: The thing is- You'd pick the mom well, so I learned this as a high school principal.
• 37:02
  Ben: Wow.
• 37:02
  Ben: I can do a lot of good work with a teenager at the school, but at the end of the day, if I send him back to the same old environment and he's getting yelled at or beaten or neglected or whatever, the amount of good that I do with that teenager is very limited compared to the amount of damage or abuse or whatever could happen at home.
• 37:29
  Brayden: Right.
• 37:29
  Ben: And like for as much work as you've done, like you've seen the change in your mom.
• 37:35
  Ben: Like she's done her own work.
• 37:38
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 37:39
  Ben: That stays with you.
• 37:40
  Ben: Like that, like I love working with teens.
• 37:43
  Ben: Like the ideal scenario is when I get to work with the mom and the teenager.
• 37:45
  Ben: But if a mom- Mm were to be like,"I can only afford one of us to work with you," 99% of the time I'm like, You do it." Because here's the thing.
• 37:54
  Ben: Mm.
• 37:55
  Ben: Your teen's a knucklehead.
• 37:56
  Ben: They might, like you might spend good money for your teen to work with me, and they might be like,"I'm not doing any of that." Like,"I'll show up, I'll be a good client on the call," but for a parent they can be like,"This is my money- And guys, I'm not cheap.
• 38:11
  Ben: Like, it costs a little bit to work with me.
• 38:13
  Ben: If a parent is like,"Dang, if I'm paying that much, I'm doing the work," that's when the results are more guaranteed or more likely because the parent has a skin in the game.
• 38:27
  Ben: And I see this pattern over and over.
• 38:29
  Ben: If I can work with mom or dad and they're like,"Yeah, but our teen's a knucklehead." Like, that's okay.
• 38:35
  Ben: Just Mom or Dad, work with me.
• 38:37
  Ben: If I can get you to commit to change, typically I can get your teen to commit to change.
• 38:43
  Ben: Like, how frustrating would it be if you were using all these tools and your mom still wouldn't communicate with you, wouldn't even entertain giving you more freedom?
• 38:53
  Ben: Like, how would that feel for you?
• 38:56
  Brayden: I'd, I'd feel like, feel so small, you know?
• 38:59
  Brayden: Like-
• 39:00
  Ben: Yeah
• 39:00
  Brayden: just not having, like, any chances to use what I've learned.
• 39:05
  Ben: Yeah.
• 39:05
  Ben: So while at times I do actually work with teenagers without working with the parents, usually that's when the teen is, like, an elite athlete and they have some mental blocks.
• 39:16
  Ben: But sometimes I'll work with a teen on behavior stuff without working with the parents.
• 39:21
  Ben: But h- honestly, Brayden, I would say you are one of the luckiest young men that I've ever worked with, because I got to work with your mom primarily.
• 39:30
  Ben: I got to work with your dad.
• 39:32
  Ben: But between you and your mom, you were willing to do some work.
• 39:36
  Ben: And so- Right you're lucky to have a mom who's willing to...
• 39:39
  Ben: Like, most parents make the mistake, they blame their teen for all the problems.
• 39:43
  Ben: And I think your mom did a pretty good job of being like,"No, Brayden's a knucklehead sometimes.
• 39:48
  Ben: I know him and I love him, and that's just who he is, but this is what I can control." And then you guys kinda figured out how to work together using the exact same skills.
• 39:58
  Ben: So- Mm I, I commend you.
• 40:01
  Ben: last thing and then I'm gonna let you go.
• 40:02
  Ben: Sorry Brayden, this gets long.
• 40:04
  Ben: Yeah.
• 40:04
  Ben: what is the last question that I always ask on our coaching calls?
• 40:09
  Brayden: Oh, how was it and what was the most beneficial thing you've learned today?
• 40:13
  Ben: Yeah.
• 40:14
  Ben: So slightly different order.
• 40:16
  Ben: What's the most beneficial thing that we've- Yeah talked about today?
• 40:18
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 40:19
  Ben: And then on a scale of one to 10, I'm just curious, what would you say your average was of rating our coaching calls?
• 40:27
  Brayden: I wanna say it had to be like a 10'cause I think there was one day where I got terrible sleep and it was like, like I was just out of it.
• 40:38
  Brayden: Then there was another day where, I don't know, I put like an e- an 11 or something.
• 40:42
  Ben: Yeah.
• 40:42
  Ben: So, So I do see a nine here.
• 40:45
  Ben: And I- One
• 40:46
  Brayden: nine
• 40:47
  Ben: a- and then there's a 12 out of 10, which I'm like,"Brayden, that's not allowed," but whatever.
• 40:52
  Ben: No.
• 40:53
  Ben: But yeah, so like- all you parents listening, I ask that of all the teens, by the way, and any time I get like probably below a seven, I usually ask two questions.
• 41:03
  Ben: You never got this.
• 41:04
  Ben: I think I told you about it, but if I get rated low, I'm like,"All right, what can I do to improve the coaching call and the experience?" Mm-hmm.
• 41:12
  Ben: The next question, I always put it back on the teen.
• 41:15
  Ben: Like,"We're in this together.
• 41:17
  Ben: What could you do to improve the experience?" And I, I love the way that I coach teens.
• 41:24
  Ben: I should start having adults rate it too.
• 41:26
  Ben: I don't just'cause they're adults.
• 41:29
  Ben: They're paying me good money.
• 41:30
  Ben: I don't, like, whatever.
• 41:31
  Ben: But anyways, I appreciate you, like, really participating, and I don't feel like there's ever anything that I gave you that you just completely blew off.
• 41:40
  Ben: Like, I feel like everything I gave you, whether it was in the recesses of the back of your mind, but- It was always being worked on, whether it's in the back of your mind or you're focusing on it.
• 41:52
  Ben: Like,"No, I, I'm gonna go ask my mom if she wants to go get high with me just so hopefully she says no and I can practice again." But.
• 41:59
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 41:59
  Ben: Okay.
• 42:00
  Ben: Well, Brayden, thank you for working with me.
• 42:03
  Ben: cool thing about working with me, you have my cellphone, dude.
• 42:06
  Ben: So as you know, like Brayden is one of the best, by the way.
• 42:10
  Ben: Like he...
• 42:11
  Ben: When teen's work, even when adults work with me, they get access to my cellphone.
• 42:16
  Ben: They can text me, they can call me in between calls.
• 42:18
  Ben: We had some really good conversations.
• 42:20
  Ben: You're welcome to keep that up.
• 42:23
  Ben: I love talking with you.
• 42:24
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 42:24
  Ben: I, I want you to check in- Of course and I'll check in with you periodically.
• 42:27
  Ben: All right?
• 42:28
  Ben: Mm-hmm.
• 42:28
  Brayden: All right.
• 42:29
  Brayden: Thank you so much.
• 42:30
  Ben: Yeah.
• 42:31
  Ben: Well, thank you and those of you listening, I'm gonna let you go with just this.
• 42:35
  Ben: If you or your teenager would like to meet with me and look into working with me one-on-one, you can go to benpughcoaching.com/mini, and that will get you on my calendar to have a free consultation with me.
• 42:54
  Ben: And the nice thing about these consultations, I'm not a pushy salesman.
• 42:57
  Ben: Like, honestly, I will try and help you more than anything.
• 43:01
  Ben: People tell me no all the time, and just like Brayden, I have accepted, like I've mastered the skill of accepting no, but people also tell me yes all the time.
• 43:11
  Ben: Because like Brayden, they're like,"I could use that in my life." If that's you, go to benpughcoaching.com/mini.
• 43:20
  Ben: Book a time for you and your teen.
• 43:23
  Ben: Let's have a discussion.
• 43:24
  Ben: with football season being around the corner, go hop on earlier rather than later.
• 43:30
  Ben: My slots disappear because football itself just consumes my calendar.
• 43:37
  Ben: So go hop on.
• 43:38
  Ben: Brayden, thank you for being here today, and hopefully we can do this again in the future.
• 43:44
  Brayden: Yeah, of course.
• 43:46
  Ben: Awesome.
• 43:46
  Ben: Okay.
• 43:47
  Ben: I'll see you later, and those of you listening, I'll see you back next week