Latest / The Steve & Jeff Show / S2 E22 - The Richest Man in the World

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S2 E22 - The Richest Man in the World · The Steve & Jeff Show

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: Previously on the Steven Jeff Show.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_03: April 9th, I'm going to be at Fitzgerald's in Berwin, Illinois.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_03: At the Backline Comedy Theater in Omaha on April 4th.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_03: At the Blackstone Theater in Omaha on April 19th.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_03: Enter Mystery Challenger and sign in, please.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: Are you Joey Heatherton?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm not.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: Steve, that was my next guess after Joey Heatherton.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: Joey Heterton.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds something like you're always ready.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you gotta listen.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta be ready.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_03: This is the definition of woke.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: I think all fish men.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: The cat juggler on the stage.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Move out of the way, Beyonce.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: Just a bit balling here.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Where's the tension?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Where's the tenacity?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_03: Dare I say humane?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_03: That seems humane.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Jerry.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: Right, people.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_03: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff show wherever you listen to podcasts.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: And now here's Steve and Jeff.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_03: Well, thanks, Johnny.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_03: And hey Jeff, good to be back in the little studio again, isn't it?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: It is.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_03: How's it going, Steve?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_03: You notice the absence of parrots?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: I think Doris Day took our parrots.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: We said take them all.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_03: I think she did.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't heard a falsetto obscenity in days.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to say that there's a pattern here, but it just seems like there's been this cloud over us with these parrots and with you know everything that's happened with Claire and our producer.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, Miss Claire.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: Miss Claire, please.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we don't need any more trouble.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_03: Miss Claire.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: I heard that you had some more bad news, and it was just the last couple shows we've dealt with some really serious issues, like the especially the bad luck show.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: Bad luck's not funny.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: It's just not funny, Jeff.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_03: And we laid it out there, and maybe that started a trend.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe maybe we need to like to get parsley or oh, oh no, it's Sage.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's the one.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_03: Uh it was rosemary or time, whatever.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: But maybe we need to sage the place after she's been in here.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_03: But I digress.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: Bad news did happen last week.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_03: My first boss, my mentor, my dad.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: Well, no, I used to love drinking Scotch with your dad when I was a juvie.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: I was 15.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_03: He was born Scotch, it's always a beautiful thing.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: But I digress.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: I owe him some.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: But anyway, my mentor, the guy who really got me started in the podcast business before there were podcasts, before there were computers.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: You talked about him.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: What was his name?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: His name was Seymour Blankenship.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_03: Now, can't tell you his real name was Seymour Butts, but every third grader on Earth made fun of him.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: So he changed it.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_03: He was a big fan of British literature.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_03: And he's reading about some character in some book by Thackeray or somebody named Blankenship.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: So he picks that stupid, you know, it's kind of a stupid name.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: Picks that stupid name, Blankenship, right?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_03: So he was just a great mentor.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: You know, he was he was very smart.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: He's wealthy.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: He owned the company that I worked at.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_03: You know, my first job kind of took me under his wing, his arm or whatever.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, yeah, like what would be his wing if he had wings, but you know, he didn't because he wasn't not a bird.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_03: But I think a lot of what he did really made me what I am today.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: Gosh, Jeff, I will never forget my first day on the job.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_03: Told me a story.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: Very first thing.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: Sent me down and says, Gotta tell you the story as you start.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_03: When I was your age, I was unemployed, I was married and broke, literally down to his last nickel.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: His last nickel.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: He had this little laminated thing in whatever, some kind of plastic on his desk.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_03: Had a nickel.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_03: He pointed to said, That was it.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_03: That was the last nickel.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: That was back when a nickel was five cents.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_03: That was hardly anything at all.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: So he said, at that point, he didn't know what to do.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_03: So he took his nickel and he bought an apple, polished that apple, sold it for a dime.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_03: Some people would have eat that apple.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: He sold it for a dime.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_03: So then the next day he bought two apples with the dime, right?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_03: Polished them, sold them for 10 cents each.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_03: He had 20.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's the start of his business empire.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_03: You know, so I said, that's how you built your wealth.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_03: That's how you made all this money.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_03: That's how you became this great success.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, Oh, oh no, no, no.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_03: A few days later, my wife's father died and left me a fortune.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_03: You know, so okay.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that's another way to do it, I guess.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_03: Jeff, that really just kind of drives home the point that people become wealthy a lot of different ways.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, some of them polish apples, some of them pinch nickels, some of them have wealthy dead relatives.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: Some of them do uh podcasts, really funny, best podcasts ever.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: Best podcast in the world listened to by, let's face it, Jeff, the millions out there are listening to this show.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_03: The millions.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: Speaking of wealth and speaking of people who have made a lot of money, our guest tonight, just the other side of that glass, we have someone who not only became wealthy, but became incredibly wealthy.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_03: Kind of like that one commercial we had last year for the FU money.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_03: This guy's got he's got everybody's FU money.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_03: He is, in fact, the richest man in the world.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_03: Holy shit.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: The richest man in the world.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_03: Let me say that again.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_03: That trips off the tongue so nicely.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_03: Richest man in the world.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, it didn't trip so nicely that time.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: But I think that says a lot about us, that we can attract the richest man of the world to come on our show, share his secrets, maybe share his wealth.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: Who knows?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: Considering what we pay, that we got the richest man of the world.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: That's that tells you a lot right there.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_03: Let me let me tell you.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_03: Hopefully, he's gonna show people how to gain wealth and how to become maybe become wealthy like him.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, you're not gonna believe this, Jeff.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: You know what his name is.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: His name is Richard, but he doesn't go by Richard.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: He goes by Rich, and his last name is I think his parents' name was like Manheim, but he shortened it because you know, okay.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so it's not Richard Manheim, it's Rich Man.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: Rich Man.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_03: There he is.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, welcome to the show, Mr.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: Man.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's an honor to meet you.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_05: Please, it is uh my pleasure, but uh please call me Mr.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_05: Rich.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: Like Miss Claire.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, Mr.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: Rich, we're so excited to have you here tonight.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: I don't think I've ever been around someone as wealthy as you before.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: My mom has a couple of dollars, but you know, Steve.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_05: In in reality, no one has uh since I represent the richest person in the world.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: Oh oh, so you're not the richest person in the world.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, yes.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_05: I am I am sorry to uh burst or bubble.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_05: I am not rich man, I am Richie's uh public persona, his representative, if you will, or his sock puppet, as he often refers to me as.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_05: And when I say sock puppet, I am I'm not talking about any you know six for pairs for$12 socks, you know, that you would get that how you say uh TJ Miyaks, I believe is this.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_05: I wouldn't I wouldn't have gone there.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_05: I'm talking about the finest and softest socks ever made.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_05: Okay, the perfect combination of newborn baby's hair and kitten whiskers.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_05: And if you have a chance to wear a pair, I would highly, highly recommend it.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: That sounds amazing.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: I have no idea how you would get such a pair, especially if they don't sell them at TJ Maxx or Marshall's, uh, which is a fine store for all of our clothing needs.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: Hopefully a future advertiser of ours.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, absolutely.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: How do you acquire something like that?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_05: Well, it does uh require some uh special conditions and a boatload of money.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, I should know I had to bring two, uh especially uh acquiring the uh the baby's hair.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_05: Uh cats are pretty cheap to get, but parents and people uh charge a very pretty penny for a newborn's hair, uh especially if they are lucky to be born with a lot of it.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, uh that's why, you know, that's usually why I stick with the more uh Mediterranean, you know, the Italians, the uh Spanish, uh for the for the darker puppets, and then the uh German and Scandinavian areas, you know, the Swedish, the Norwegian, the Finnish for the lighter colored puppets.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: I guess that makes sense.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_02: Still have no idea, even if I had the money, how to reach people who would want to sell me their baby's hair at any price.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: Do you ever just go with adult hair instead?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_05: Here is the issue.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, I mean, you're welcome to.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_05: It's not quite the same.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_05: The hair has had more time to be out in the open.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_05: And again, with the with the skin cells, you have to get them when they're very, very supple.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_05: When you put them out in the air, they get harder.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_05: And no one wants a a hard hair.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_05: You you want that, you want that soft, supple hair.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_05: I had that once in high school.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_05: That was bad.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: That was bad.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_05: You can you can almost feel the innocence of the newborn child that you just lose when the person is, you know, put ages upon them.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: Talking about selling your hair, Jeff, is is that what you did?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: Did you did you sell your hair?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: No, Steve, I did not sell my hair.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_02: I think it was stolen in the middle of the night, but I do have hair, not on the top of my head.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I have some in my chest, and you know, I have some in what did you refer to it as in a in another episode?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: Your own private South Carolina, yes.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: My own private South Carolina.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um would you be interested in uh purchasing some of that, Steve?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: Because I've got some and grows like swampland.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: It's just crazy.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I don't think I'd be interested in buying it.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_03: I I'm not sure I'd what know what to do with it.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_03: And it sounds like it'd be really hard to stitch all that together, all the little hairs, you know.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_03: It just sounds kind of difficult.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_05: That that's where the cat whispers come in.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_05: When there is a will, there is a way.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_05: You just have to kind of fat roof it and cross it, but again, you lose uh it would be very sturdy, it just would not you would not have the childlike wonder that you would have to have from baby hair.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, so the cat whiskers are kind of like the the stabilizer of the hair.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: It is uh how you say the the rebar of the sock.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: You know, Mr.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: Rich.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: Speaking of Wills, I know well, I know you're not really Mr.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: Rich or whatever his name is, but the real rich, Mr.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: Rich, I'm assuming, has a family, and probably at some point he's going to leave money to that family and they're gonna be wealthy too, right?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_05: See, and this is why he is the rich one and not you.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_05: You see, he he does have a family, but uh everyone has signed uh uh prenup, I guess would be the way that you would use it.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, in this case of the kids not born yet, a more of a uh prenatal up.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: Prenatal nup.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: Boy, that's that sounds like it'd be hard to do that to get their signature on a document.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it sounds like a medical procedure, sounds very difficult.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, it is an incredibly difficult procedure.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_05: It requires a really small pen.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_05: Uh you know, very, very small pen.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, I and it it's and it's like the pen you have to use in space where they're able to, you know, so but a very, very shrunk down.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_05: Sure.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_05: And the in a paper about the size of uh like a gum wrapper, uh, to be inserted into uh you know where the uh yeah, right, the the other side of South Carolina, yeah.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_05: Exactly, right exactly, in the in the uh in the Fort Uh Thomas area, right?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_05: Yes, yes.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_05: And basically, then it is signed.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_05: Um ironically, we we sometimes uh hire babies to insert the pen and paper uh into the uh women's vagina just because they have small hands, so it's easier for them to get get inside easier, and you know, and also it's usually you know a traveled pattern, so they kind of know the ins and outs.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: That gives gainful employment to a lot of youthful people who otherwise would not have jobs.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: Mr.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_05: Rich is a job creator, you you cannot you cannot hate him for that, and you know, and we never used to have to do that, you know, with the unborn kids to sign before they were born, but until um certain laws were changed, and uh I guess now that they are people too.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, we all know that people equals money grabbers, especially Mr.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_05: Rich's money.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_05: So they especially those fetuses, it yeah, we have to make sure uh we have no time uh like the present.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_05: So it it does kind of suck sometimes.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_02: With these those little the fetuses, can they really grab the money that well?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know, are their hands like developed?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's not something I'm I'm real familiar with, but it just seems strange.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_05: We have done studies.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_05: The first muscle that gets developed in most fetuses is the muscles in the fingers.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, and that's why you have to put so many bones there.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, you know, most the majority, you know, you see everyone knows that there's 216 bones in the body, more than half of them are in your hands and your feet.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_02: So that makes sense.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_05: So, and of course, the feet don't need to do anything, but the hands uh constantly you have to to reach out for, so that's the easiest thing to do.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: That makes total sense.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, uh, it is strange, but I guess if you have that kind of wealth, you do have to take precautions.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_02: I just realized, you know, I keep thinking you're rich man, but you're not.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_02: Is is he aware of this interview?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, yes, yes.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, he is actually uh observing it as as we speak, uh, you and I.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, plus, um, remember when you borrowed money uh from Steve's mom to get the podcast thing going?
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, yeah, he actually bought the note from her.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_05: So he now uh congratulations on your show.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_05: By the way, Steve, uh, thank your mom for uh little Stevie's hair.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_05: He greatly appreciates it.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_05: Uh and and tell her the case of Ginny's only way.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, she'll be happy to hear that.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, she does like that.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: She likes to mix it with a little vodka too, and kind of brings out the brings out the flavor, you know.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: But easy, it was an easy it was an easy shuffle.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: I had no idea that my mom sold it.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: Mom sold that note.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, you know, though, maybe I shouldn't be worried because from what you said, he likes our show.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: He probably wouldn't change a thing, right?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, probably just leave it the way it is, and I mean liked enough to send you, right?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_05: Of course, of course.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_05: I am here, he I am here, he is here, and he is able, you know, it's a situation he he likes this show.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_05: Obviously, the millions of fans uh that you have uh, you know, he only wants to make a few minor changes.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_05: It's not a long list, so I hopefully can kind of run through this pretty quickly.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, the name Steve and Jeff.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_05: Um, it seems to too much of two.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_05: So uh the rich, Steve, and Jeff, but mostly rich show, nice ring to it.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_05: So the rich, Steve, Jeff, and mostly rich.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_03: That might be hard to fit on the advertising, though.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: You know, no, no, no, no.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_05: You just have to change slight font, it will fit.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_05: Uh uh, we've we've already gone over curning possibilities.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, it will be great.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_05: Also, Steve loves the commercials.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, they're the best.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_05: Yes, your commercials are amazing.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_05: And and in fact, he has produced one for this very show.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_05: Okay.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, so yeah, so as much as he loves it, he wants to, you know, make sure that you can take something off your plate for this show.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_05: So, uh, can you uh go ahead and uh play the commercial we have prepared?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_03: Sure, sure.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_03: Let me Johnny play that commercial that Mr.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_03: Rich brought.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Ho ho ho ho.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean my dear friends and not friends.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: I am Dmitri, but you can call me Rich Man, the richest man in the whole wide world.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Ho ho ho ho ho.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: I am speaking in the voice of Baby Robot to keep secret my identity.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: And baby robot doesn't have a Russian accent.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Ho ho ho ho ho ho.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: You see, I am desire of money.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: I take money from here, there, everywhere.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: But mostly I like to take money from poor people because it is more fun.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: They have little, I take.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: They have more, I take.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: In Russia, we have a saying that loosely translates to money gets you more drunk than vodka.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: But it is true, and I am, as you Americans say, wasting.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: How I get money such?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: I take it.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And one way I take is collecting and selling hair of tiny babies.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: I also collect cultures.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I own a procreation station and I take all your cultures and make them Russian.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: How else do you think they're able to buy everything?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I own Farty.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: I own Who's Sorry now?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I own all the advertisements on this show, other than those flight pushers.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: But they're next.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Haters call me oligarchy, but I'm not oligarchy.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: I just buy countries.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, Mother Russia, but I buy lots of other countries.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe country you're very close to.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: So please, please to keep buying care of tiny babies, please to keep buying my appropriated trinkets, and most of all, keep sending money to me, Richman.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Vladimir and I thank you.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_02: That was strange.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_02: I I mean, really good.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_02: Steve, I think it would fit nicely into the show.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, I really appreciate it, boss, uh, for doing that.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_02: Or if you could let the boss know.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_02: Steve, isn't it nice that Johnny doesn't have to worry about doing those commercials all the time and you writing them?
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: It sounds like we're gonna get some needed help.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I I guess so.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: I guess there are worse things to give up.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_03: Is that the only change he wants to make?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: Pretty much it, except for the uh the show joke.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_05: Uh like you just did one uh at the start of this one.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_05: He likes the fact there's a joke there, he just kind of wishes it was uh actually a joke, uh you know, that was funny.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_05: Uh so so what he did is uh he he has a joke that you can actually use uh on this show as well.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_05: Uh so just you can kind of feel this out.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_05: So sure, okay.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, let's hear it.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_05: Okay, so he he wrote it himself.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_05: It goes like this, okay.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, I'm trying not to you know put on too heavy of an accent here.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, um Steve and Jeff.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_05: Last week I was working on foreclosing a local psychiatric hospital system and putting thousands of mentally ill people on the streets when this married couple came into my office.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_05: They were obviously poor and probably illegals, considering they both looked uh you know.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, anyways, uh one said to me that their son had borrowed money from me to pay for tuition for college.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_05: He has just now graduated, but he can't find a job with his loan payments that are too much to pay, especially with 28% interest charge.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_05: Junior said he received a letter from me stating that if he fell behind on his payments, I would have his degree withdrawn.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_05: They asked me if I could see fit to allow Junior to get on his feet, get a good job, and then start to repay the loan.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_05: I leaned back on my gold-trimmed chair, thinking that this would be a good way to quote, pay forward and let a young man just starting his life become a valuable contributor to society, and all I had to do was let him delay his debt for me for a few months.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_05: At this point, I told his parents I could certainly do that, and it would be my honor, but as just a formality, I would need them to sign a note, guaranteeing that he would pay the money back.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_05: They were so happy, and they signed the note immediately after they both signed it that I told them their son was delinquent in payment and I would need to take possession of the family car.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_05: The funny part was that his father was an Uber driver, so he was now unemployed too, and I sold him a loan too.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, you know that is that's hilarious.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: That's really pretty funny joke.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's I'm I'm sorry.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: I I you know I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Steve and Jeff don't own the Steve and Jeff show anymore.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_05: Gentlemen, I I totally understand.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_05: But if you would like, you could borrow the money to repay Mr.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_05: Rich and get your business back.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, I have the uh the paperwork right here.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, after that joke, yeah, that's tempting.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_02: I think Steve, you and I need to talk about this a little bit.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'm as shell-shocked as you.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, okay.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_05: No, no, no problem if you have to keep talking, just let us know.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, we should talk about that.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_03: But I guess the good news is that if we do this, we'll have money to promote the show like we never could before, you know?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_02: You're so right.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: You know, Steve, you you remember we the last time we were driving on uh the highway, and I pointed out those billboards, and I was like, man, if we could only afford to put our faces on those billboards, the ones going to the airport, that that would make our show wonderful.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_02: And now it looks like it's possible now that we have some funding.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly, Jeff.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_03: And I gotta tell you, I've always wanted to perform our show live, you know, like the halftime show at the Super Bowl.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: You know, usually the performers get paid, but until we get up to that Taylor Swift level, we're not quite there yet, you know.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: Mr.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: Rich maybe could buy our way in.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_03: Probably wouldn't cost more than$10 million.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: Gosh, that's gotta be nothing to the richest man in the world, right?
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_03: That's a that's a that's a couple of minutes pay, right?
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_03: You know, yeah.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_02: And the cool part, Steve, is that we have Taylor Swift money now, which is cool.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_02: I never thought that that we would have that.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: Just so our lawyers don't call us, we don't have Taylor Swift's money, we have Taylor Swift's level money.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_03: Whole different thing.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_02: Completely.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_02: Not only that, Steve, but you know, we kind of fell behind a little bit on our payments to the landlord here.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_02: Oh studio, and now we're gonna be able to do it.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I think this place needs a A good paint job, and just think there's so much we can do.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_02: So, in fact, I have the bills right here.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um, if Mr.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_02: Rich or if you want to maybe you could sign for him, maybe we could write that check right now.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, actually, Mr.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_05: Rich says that is not the way he does business.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, he he doesn't give his companies money, he gets money from them.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_02: What do you mean he says?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_02: Is that just a saying of his?
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_02: Where is where exactly is he right now?
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_05: Well, gentlemen, I I do apologize.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_05: I guess I I should have told you.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, Mr.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_05: Rich can hear and see everything I can hear and see.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_05: He he had a a small camera embedded into one of my eyes and in one of my eardrums is a uh listening device he had installed in me uh when I took the job.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_03: That is amazing.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_03: That takes sock puppet to a really high-tech level.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_03: Is it always on?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, is it on when you're home with your wife and family?
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_05: Uh um yes, uh, but the the wife and the family uh are not a problem.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_05: Uh about uh about a year ago, uh Mr.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_05: Rich uh bought me out of my marriage.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_05: Wow, my fatherhood.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_03: So that's a thing.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: Well, did you get a lot of money for it?
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_05: No, I I did not get anything, but my wife and kids, I I mean uh the the former wife and kids are quite uh wealthy.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_05: It was a um win situation.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, you mean like a win-win situation?
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, yeah, yes, of course.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_05: Uh that's that's what I meant.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_05: Um and again, it's it's always on, it's only really a problem when nature calls.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_05: But in South Carolina, yeah.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_05: No, yeah.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_05: Yes, yes, there is when there is monsoon season in South Carolina.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, but anyway, but again, getting uh back to your uh expenses here, I'm sure we can work that out once a uh complete all the business is done.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_02: Remember when we had uh the ventriloquist on the show?
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, I think it was the ventriloquist and and the her puppet, no, it wasn't a sock puppet, but it her uh her dummy.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_02: She kept referring to him as like uh the cousin of Wayne Newton.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, he was Dwayne Newton, Wayne Newton's Dwayne Wayne Newton's little known cousin, yes.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I didn't I didn't want to depress you, Steve, but I uh we got a a letter from the attorney of Wayne Newton, and he's actually suing us uh for$25 million because he thought that we did not present Mr.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_02: Newton in the most positive way, and you know, we reach millions of people and and I didn't even realize he was still alive, but I guess he is, and sounds like he wants a lot of money.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_02: Wow, but that shouldn't be a problem now now that we have uh Taylor Swift like money, right?
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_05: With the amount of times you have said Taylor Swift now, I am slightly more uncomfortable, just verifying.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_05: So you have a ventriloquist suing you for 25 million dollars.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yeah, it's confusing, but just if you could just write the check, that would be great.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_05: You know, it turns out that Mr.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_05: Rich has um rethought uh this agreement, and he may want to uh stay away from the uh entertainment field.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_05: Uh a few uh numbers of years ago, he managed a uh a big Hollywood star and uh it became you know quite tiresome and costly.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_05: I I you know I think at this point Mr.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_05: Rich will pass on your business and he will give you your name back.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_05: He is a generous man, though.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_05: So uh feel free to use the commercial and the joke anytime you want.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_05: Does not necessarily have to be on this show.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_05: If you want it to be on this show, you can make it on this show.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_05: But I believe we will uh be running away from this building that he is now referred to as a money pit, which is amazing for a man of his wealth.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_05: And you gentlemen, have a nice day.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_02: Before you leave, though, is there a chance we could get one of those sock puppets?
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_02: Those would be great, Steve.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, maybe two of them.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, oh, that'd be great.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you so much for letting us use that joke because yeah, we may use it on the show, but I'm thinking maybe I'd work up a stand-up routine for my trip to the Kremlin and knock him dead with that joke at the Kremlin, I bet, wouldn't I?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_02: But thanks for being on the show, Mr.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_05: Rich's sock puppet.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_05: Please lose all of my contact information as quickly as possible.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: No problem, no problem.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, you and Mr.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_03: Rich are always welcome as listeners, and uh, please subscribe and follow the Steve and Jeff show because we'll be using you some of your material.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_03: You can listen for it, huh?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_05: And I am sure there will be no litigation in the future for you for that.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_03: That is a beautiful thing.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely gentlemen.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_03: Johnny, take us out of this show.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_03: Right, Steve?
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_03: What do you get for the man who owns everything?
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_03: Well, we got Mr.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_03: Rich something we know he doesn't have: a free two-week trip to Port-au-Prince, Haiti, where he can dine on partially pre-digested Scotch bonnet peakleys and can join rescue efforts if there are poor people to take money from.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_03: All from our friends at Big D Travel.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_03: If it's close to free, it's from Big D.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_03: And of course, he receives the home version of the Stephen Jeff Show with genuine simulated semi-precious metal pieces.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_03: This has been a Stalin grad school production in association with Chekhov's Gun Media.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_03: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_03: This is Johnny speaking.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm happy that I don't work for Mr.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_03: Rich, and even happier that Steve's mom has a case of gin coming soon.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_03: Party time! I may hang out at her house forever.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, that reminds me, I need to get a stocking cap to keep little baby Stevie's head warm.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_03: Good night.