Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Help! I Called My Daughter the B Word! (A Listener Q&A)

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Help! I Called My Daughter the B Word! (A Listener Q&A) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Sometimes our
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: kids can bring our temperature up. They can make our
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: lives feel challenging. Is it them really doing it to
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  Speaker 1: us or is it us just doing it to ourselves
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  Speaker 1: the way that we're thinking, the way that we're responding.
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  Speaker 1: Either way, parenting can be a really tough gig. Today
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: on the Happy Families Podcast, we answer one of your
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  Speaker 1: tricky questions with teenagers who are just tricky, who have attitude,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: who make us end up doing and saying things that
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: we don't want to do and say we're going to
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  Speaker 1: answer that tricky question right after this. Stay with us. Hello,
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast where you get real
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  Speaker 1: parenting solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: parenting podcast where Justin and Kylie Coulson and every Tuesday
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  Speaker 1: on the podcast we answer your tricky questions about families
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: and relationships and well being and screens and discipline and
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: today tricky teenagers. I can't wait to answer this question.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: But if you would like to submit a tricky question
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: or you need to do is jump online Happy families
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: dot com dot i U. There's a super simple system
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: scroll down to podcasts, click the record button, start talking,
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: or you can send us a voice note to podcasts
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au. His today's question.
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  Speaker 2: Hi, my name's Kim. I'm calling for some advice about
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  Speaker 2: my fifteen turning sixteen next week daughter, my eldest daughter.
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  Speaker 2: We've been having lots of conflict lately, and small things
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  Speaker 2: escalate really quickly. This morning, for example, I tried so
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  Speaker 2: hard to stay calm and help her as she was
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  Speaker 2: running late to catch the bus for school, and I
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  Speaker 2: ended up losing my patients and called her the B word,
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  Speaker 2: which I really really regret. Right now, I'm feeling I've welmed, frustrated, angry,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm just worried about how I'm reacting in these moments,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm just looking for some advice on how to
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  Speaker 2: handle this better and whether this is typical for her age, typical.
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  Speaker 2: What do you reckon?
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  Speaker 1: We're up to, Kim, You are not alone. Sixteen year
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  Speaker 1: old Number five is where we are right now, and.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at holy smokes.
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  Speaker 3: This is a perfect follow up from yesterday's conversation. We
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  Speaker 3: talk specifically about this very situation.
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  Speaker 1: You don't have to attend every argument.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and the idea that as humans we are the
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  Speaker 3: only ones on the planet with the capacity to have
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  Speaker 3: a stimulus and a pause and a response.
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  Speaker 1: We can choose how we're going to respond.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I was listening to what Kim said, and I have
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe eight or ten different things that
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  Speaker 1: I can say in response here. But first of all,
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  Speaker 1: let's let's just get this out of the way. Name calling,
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  Speaker 1: calling you kids' names. I grew up in a home
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  Speaker 1: where that happened all the time. This has been a
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  Speaker 1: really hard habit for me to break. I've never called
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  Speaker 1: them horrible, horrible names, but any name is horrible in
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  Speaker 1: some ways. And you never do this and go oh yeah,
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  Speaker 1: nailed it, like I'm just getting this so right. You
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  Speaker 1: always just feel so lousy. It just it doesn't feel
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  Speaker 1: good at all. But I would, as I say this
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  Speaker 1: these kinds of responses, anger and losing it, that they
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  Speaker 1: are choices, and they do become habits.
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  Speaker 3: They're also a normal response to really tricky, challenging stimulus.
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  Speaker 1: Do you know what the best response is? When I mean,
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  Speaker 1: think about what Kim said, She's running late for the bus.
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  Speaker 1: I'm trying to organize her, trying to get her out
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  Speaker 1: the door, trying to do whatever. Her daughter is feeling
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  Speaker 1: like she's been called incompetent, being controlled. The best thing
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  Speaker 1: to say to your kids when things are starting to
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  Speaker 1: get tired is how can I help? Times short, what
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  Speaker 1: do you need from me?
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  Speaker 3: One of our daughters attends an early morning class.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, a couple of times a week.
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  Speaker 3: And it starts at a specific time, and every day
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  Speaker 3: we are.
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  Speaker 1: Late every day.
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  Speaker 3: And I just got to a point where I recognized
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  Speaker 3: that the most important thing in my mind is that
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  Speaker 3: she goes, and if I create a fight every time,
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  Speaker 3: the chances of her wanting to go are next to none.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I was thinking about that as well when I
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  Speaker 1: was listening to Kim's comments, And I want to get
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  Speaker 1: to some solutions and strategies to help to regulate well
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  Speaker 1: in a sec But at the age of sixteen, if
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  Speaker 1: your daughter can't get out the door on time for
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  Speaker 1: the bus, it's not your problem. It's actually her problem.
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  Speaker 1: And you might say, how can I help? Do you
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  Speaker 1: need any support? And if she misses the bus, you
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  Speaker 1: might say, well, here's some money for a public bus
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  Speaker 1: to get where you need to go. Or you can
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  Speaker 1: catch the next bus, or if you've got the time,
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  Speaker 1: you might say, I guess I can help you today,
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  Speaker 1: But I obviously can't do it every day because sometimes
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  Speaker 1: I've got to go to work, or I've got those
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  Speaker 1: other things that I do. I think that the main
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  Speaker 1: thing is you're not there to be a critic. You're
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  Speaker 1: there to say I'm here to help you. I can't
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  Speaker 1: do everything, and I'm certainly not going to rescue you
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  Speaker 1: all the time. There are consequences to your actions, but
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  Speaker 1: let me help you however I can in ways that
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  Speaker 1: work for both of us. Tricky line to tread, though.
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  Speaker 1: Let's talk about some of the specific strategies right after
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  Speaker 1: the break. I have been scrawling them down as we've
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  Speaker 1: been talking, and I've got a lot, so we're going
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  Speaker 1: to go through them in a lightning round right after this.
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  Speaker 1: Strategies to help to stay calm and navigate those big
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  Speaker 1: teenage emotions. Let's talk about them right now on the
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcasts. Kylie, I've got a bunch. Do you
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  Speaker 1: want me to start. I know you jottedson things down
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  Speaker 1: as well, or do you want to start?
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  Speaker 3: Go for it.
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  Speaker 1: So the first thing is take care of yourself, if
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  Speaker 1: you're stressed, if you're not getting enough sleep, if you
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  Speaker 1: haven't had a proper breakfast, if you're not taking care
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  Speaker 1: of yourself and your needs. Remembering to breathe, remembering to eat,
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  Speaker 1: remembering to sleep, remembering to do all yours.
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  Speaker 3: A lot of things to remember.
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  Speaker 1: I know, I know, but you don't do a good
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  Speaker 1: job if you don't have calories in your body. You
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  Speaker 1: don't do a good job if you haven't had enough sleep. Like,
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  Speaker 1: no parent who is sleep deprived feels like they're getting
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  Speaker 1: it right. When you sleep deprived, you just feel like
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  Speaker 1: you're always playing underfueled yeap horrible. So that's my first one.
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  Speaker 1: It's really quick, really easy. I'm listening to Kim, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm just wondering what her morning was like, what her
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  Speaker 1: night before was like. Can we make sure that we
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  Speaker 1: wake up vital and ready to go?
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  Speaker 3: And as I was listening to her share the experience
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  Speaker 3: that she had, the thing that jumped out at me
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  Speaker 3: was good mornings begin the night before. Yeah, and so
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  Speaker 3: what are we doing the night before to prepare and
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  Speaker 3: be ready for the next day. The onus isn't all
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  Speaker 3: on Kim to do that, but it's helping our children
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  Speaker 3: recognize that we're going to set ourselves up for success
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  Speaker 3: so much better if we actually plan for the next day.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. The second thing that I'd say is, I don't
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  Speaker 1: think that your daughter is waking up in the morning
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  Speaker 1: and thinking how can I rule nun's morning? Nor is
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  Speaker 1: she waking up and thinking how can I make today
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  Speaker 1: go awesome? Well, yeah, she's just kind of doing a thing.
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  Speaker 1: And then because she's a teenager, she's got her alplates on.
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  Speaker 1: She's not good at planning and thinking about the future,
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  Speaker 1: like the future is an abstract concept because now is
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  Speaker 1: all that matters.
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  Speaker 3: She's also not thinking about her like she's thinking about herself.
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  Speaker 1: That's all she's got to think about. That's what teenagers do,
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  Speaker 1: That's right. So I think that if we can just
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  Speaker 1: allow some grace, recognize she's got her alplates on, and
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  Speaker 1: again that vital important question, how can I help to me?
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  Speaker 1: That's the central one. You're more likely to see your
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  Speaker 1: child's heart if you can just slow down and take
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  Speaker 1: away the judgment and the frustration and just be like, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you're a teenager. When I was a teenager, I missed
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  Speaker 1: the bus from time to time as well.
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  Speaker 3: The other day, I was getting really, really frustrated at
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  Speaker 3: one of our children, and I was talking it out
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  Speaker 3: with one of the other children, and it just hit
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  Speaker 3: me like a ton of bricks, and I looked at
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  Speaker 3: her and I said, I'm getting upset about this. But
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  Speaker 3: when I was her age, I did exactly the same thing,
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  Speaker 3: and it just deflated everything in a heartbeat, just that acknowledgment.
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  Speaker 3: You know what, I'm actually asking her to do something
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  Speaker 3: that I couldn't do, and part of the frustration is
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  Speaker 3: that I couldn't do it right. And I would love
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  Speaker 3: for her to learn from my mistakes and be better
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  Speaker 3: as a result, but that's not often how it works.
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  Speaker 1: So just going back to yesterday's podcast and the way
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  Speaker 1: we regulate our emotions. If you're just regulated, just stop talking,
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  Speaker 1: Like if she's angry, you just stop talking. You don't
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  Speaker 1: have to attend the argument. As an extension of that,
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  Speaker 1: maybe give yourself time out. Just say to your kiddo,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to go to my bedroom and just breathe
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  Speaker 1: for a sec because, or.
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  Speaker 3: Even better, I'm just going to go outside.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, touch grass, touch and grass, look at the tree.
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  Speaker 3: Whatever it takes.
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  Speaker 1: That will work. That'll all work. Now, there are some
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  Speaker 1: deeper things that you can do and times getting away
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  Speaker 1: from it, So I'll go through these fairly quickly. You
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  Speaker 1: can some gratitude, like you can be grateful that you
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  Speaker 1: actually have a daughter, or that your daughter is up
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  Speaker 1: and getting ready for school, even if she is running late,
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  Speaker 1: or that she does have big emotions because we live
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  Speaker 1: in a country where she's allowed to go to school,
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  Speaker 1: and therefore she's allowed to be late for school, because
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  Speaker 1: there are some countries where girls aren't allowed to go
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  Speaker 1: to school. I know that sounds a little bit cheesy,
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  Speaker 1: a little bit annoying, and maybe even a little bit patronizing,
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  Speaker 1: but it's also true, and the data shows that it
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  Speaker 1: helps us to regulate well. And I guess put things
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  Speaker 1: into perspective a little bit more.
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  Speaker 3: Kim could imagine that you were looming over her, judging
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  Speaker 3: her every parenting move.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we talked about all.
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  Speaker 3: She could imagine me holding her hand and telling her
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  Speaker 3: that everything's going to be okay.
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  Speaker 1: You do a better job as a parent when you
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  Speaker 1: imagine someone's watching you you just do.
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  Speaker 3: Or someone's got your back. You're not all on your own. Like,
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  Speaker 3: I don't think it's a judgment thing.
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  Speaker 1: It's just we do better when we fell supported, right,
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  Speaker 1: you said, that's so much better than me and Kim.
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  Speaker 1: We've probably given you so many things, But just go
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  Speaker 1: back to perspective. If she's late for school, what's the
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  Speaker 1: worst thing that happens? You get a text message from
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: the school and they say your daughter was tardy, Like, I.
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  Speaker 3: Kind of ignore those ones now, Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Well, we've been through it so much. It's not so
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  Speaker 1: I get it. It's not ideal, and every school teacher
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  Speaker 1: who's listening is going to be like, no, we need
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  Speaker 1: them to be a class on top. I get it,
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  Speaker 1: I really do. But as a school teacher, if you've
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  Speaker 1: got a student who walks in late, don't give them
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  Speaker 1: a hard time because you just have no idea what
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  Speaker 1: they've been through that morning at home, and as parents,
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  Speaker 1: getting them to school is better than having them at
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  Speaker 1: home fighting with you. So just if they're going to
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: be ten minutes late or fifteen minutes late, but they're
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: going to be there without any winging, complaining and carrying on,
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  Speaker 1: then maybe that's just what you deal with for a
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: little while, and then on the weekend you can have
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: a chat about punctuality and getting things right from that perspective.
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  Speaker 1: I think that's probably I don't know how many we've done.
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  Speaker 1: Probably that's at least a half a dozen ideas that
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: might well.
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  Speaker 3: You keep saying that I'm the one who makes the
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  Speaker 3: podcast go super long. But out of your I don't
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  Speaker 3: know ten things you might have shared, I've only got
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  Speaker 3: three right, and it encompasses them all. I think I
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: took a leaf out of your book, and I've used
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: a little bit of alliteration. I have a refrain, reframe,
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  Speaker 3: and reconnect.
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  Speaker 1: I like it. Refrain from yelling, reframe the situation, and
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: then reconnect with your child. You should write parenting books
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  Speaker 1: and do parenting podcasts. You're pretty good at this. I
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: like it. Good luck, Kim, Thanks so much.
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  Speaker 3: May the Force be with you.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for the question. Hey, if you have
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: any tricky questions, you'd like to hit us up with
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: we reckon. We can help make a difference in your
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: family and make your family happier. Go to happy families
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au scroll down to where it says podcasts,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: press the record button, start talking. It's a super simple system. Alternatively,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: send us a voice note podcasts at happy families dot
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: com dot au. The Happy Families podcast sound engineering and
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: audio by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds looks
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: after all of our admin and other support. For more
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: of her To make your family happier, visit happy families
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au