Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Kike matilla - familia numerosa

Transcript

Kike matilla - familia numerosa · Comedy Central Stand-Up

0:00
S Comedy Central Podcast Hello. What. Such well, well, well,
0:21
I like it well, well, I come to tell you as always what
0:24
is happening to me in life. I' m always autobiographical. That'
0:28
s why, three years ago, he said he was just a dad.
0:31
That' s why last year he said he was a dad again. And
0:34
that' s why I' m now coming to tell you that I'
0:38
m going to be a dad for the third time, my next monologue.
0:39
Yes, thank you very much. Thank you, my next monologue. Surely
0:46
seeing, the path I take will be an approach to the wonderful world of
0:49
masectomy. Yes, it is, because I know that I say this that
0:53
I am going to have three and those that you have no children, but
0:55
you want to have them true you think today how beautiful three that you have
1:00
children and you know how bad you are thinking three these real assholes and Hijulio
1:04
Iglesias in his house will be thinking look at him three fans, three and
1:08
three very followed. Also, between the oldest and the little one they'
1:11
re going to take not even four very little years. Why so followed,
1:15
' cause I' m in a very fertile moment of my life. If
1:19
I basically play the baby, be very careful what you' re here close
1:23
to the stage in case you see that it' s a little bit or
1:26
something, because that could be with you too, kid because I' m
1:30
already at a point of rain and semino. I pollinate before starting this process
1:34
of having children. I did fertility tests for not shooting with blanks and took
1:38
a little boat to the fertility clinic. That' s how it shows not
1:42
to overflow as we were. I was glad in the morning and the next
1:46
day they called me that please take that from there that already the boats around
1:48
had my surnames. It' s also, in fact now to see I
1:57
' m not going to fool you now is not that I find many times
2:00
for it. But if the case happens and I get more turbot, it
2:02
has to be with a condom just in case, because that comes out on
2:08
a free path Okay, that goes to the ground, passes in huacara,
2:13
a cockroach, fecund and then I have a city councilman. I know there
2:15
' s not one thing that already implies having three children and it' s
2:23
that I' m going to spend 27 months of my life living with a
2:30
pregnant woman and with all the respect that I know how you carry the six
2:32
pregnancies, which is hard, uh, no, I want you to put
2:34
on the defensive. With that good thing what happens, what complains, for
2:36
you should see what would complain to you will become pregnant. You' re
2:38
right. We' d complain ten times more than you. Now you have
2:44
to admit to me that you wouldn' t even put your socks on us
2:51
for twenty- seven months together when you were pregnant. I mean, I,
2:51
I, my wife, I don' t know what racter has without
2:54
being pregnant, that the same is cool not to see she does it very
2:59
well. In fact, he is already aware, even of the mood swings
3:01
he has. The other day he left me with a question, a little
3:05
trap. I' ve asked myself hey, but really how much I feel
3:07
when I change my mood when I' m pregnant, not what happens,
3:21
honey, love I love you in case I don' t get out of
3:29
this one that sometimes everything that' s right in the world in a second
3:34
happens to be wrong and only you, just you, have the sensitivity to
3:38
appreciate it. Twenty- seven months together and we' ve been pregnant longer
3:53
than we haven' t been together, we' ve gone to the show
3:53
more times than to the movies. But don' t worry when that time
3:59
comes. Trust us. We' re gonna be there helping out,'
4:00
cause we' re gonna be there supporting. It is because we are looking
4:03
after you, because we love you and if you are angry because we fear
4:09
you, also yes, do not trust us in that aspect and we are
4:13
always very attentive to you. Look. There' s some news that corroborates
4:14
this that I' m telling you. A few months ago I read that
4:16
there was a couple on vacation. They were in their car together for a
4:19
refuelling sonera. The man got down there with the hose, the woman went
4:23
down to the bathroom and when the man had already filled the tank, he
4:27
got in the car and resumed the march, forgetting the woman at the gas
4:31
station and took a hundred kilometers to realize. You don' t know me
4:38
at all. Don' t look you' re a couple, you'
4:42
re okay. Imagine that you' re going together on a trip alone in
4:46
the car. I don' t know if it' s a bad mess,
4:47
but it' s just the two of you in the car. The
4:48
list is not very long. You go out to get gas, you go
4:54
to the bathroom, and when you get out of the bathroom, you see
4:57
that he' ll get away. You kill him truth or death and destruction.
5:02
At least the other day the gas- oiler told me a mezfolla,
5:06
because with reason too and the gas- oiler bravo, bravo, leave you
5:11
the other time, please, truth to see that is going to give me
5:18
the reason look. That man didn' t take a hundred kilometers to figure
5:23
it out. Not that man at 100 meters knew what he had done the
5:29
other ninety- nine kilometers and nine hundred meters what he was thinking. The
5:32
man was going to take little to see who has the balls to go back
5:41
to orologist solin was because he knows what he' s going to find.
5:43
Right, ah she' s not gonna be there saying. Let' s
5:48
see, please, I was talking about it with the gas station staff laughing.
5:55
Not really, I mean that man the first hundred meters I' ve
6:01
missed the other ninety- nine kilometers and nine hundred meters. The doubt I
6:04
had was going back to the gas station and I eat the fattest joke that
6:13
I have been thrown into my bloody life or taking advantage that I carry the
6:19
full tank, I throw to some place where they receive me more welcomingly.
6:23
As far as I know Afghanistan, we' re not going to be there
6:30
lieutenants of you. Yeah, I' ve been hanging on to the detail
6:31
and I realized that, having three kids, the house was getting smaller and
6:34
we had to move in. I realized that sometimes the language is not as
6:39
obvious as it seems and the situation is much less look We' re out
6:43
of my house waiting for the escans' elevator, with boxes, with bags,
6:47
with furniture, with the movers' waiters, in their movers' uniform.
6:50
He looks at the neighbor and tells me what to do about moving.
6:58
It' s not a drill. We' re seeing how to proceed in
7:04
case of a fire. It' s already seen you look, first the
7:06
furniture, then the boxes and the children. The last thing, if they
7:10
perish look we are fertile, we do better good. Look what nonsense happened
7:20
to me at the movin' house. We noticed what nonsense I wanted to
7:24
impress the movers. I mean, two guys I don' t know about
7:27
at all, I' m never gonna see again in my life. I
7:28
told myself I want to mark here that I still have three children, but
7:30
I' m powerful. Uh, so I said the biggest thing in the
7:32
house. I' ll take it out before they come and I presume I
7:38
' ll give you an eye and say look at the couch conches lonni everything
7:41
without dismounting it out. I took him to the door without problems, an
7:43
hour of no problems, but an hour of dragging. And when I got
7:46
to the door, I got half of it out, but the other half
7:49
didn' t And that wasn' t moving forward anymore, and at that
7:55
point we went down the stairs a neighbor. The neighbor is the one with
7:58
never, never changed a word with him. At most you said, hello
8:01
hello how it is and that' s it. But still. You think
8:03
that Gilipollas you know he says hello and you look like a buyo Well,
8:09
it turns out that the man tells me listen you want that he has made
8:13
a hand that I go without haste, no, because maybe it was not
8:18
Gilipollas worth not look. We stood there between two and a half hours sweating
8:20
more, not being able to do that. I didn' t move and
8:24
in the end I told him I said uncle really thank you very much,
8:26
but leave, because this we' re not going to get him out of
8:28
here in life. And he tells me ah was to pull him out hahaha,
8:33
yes it was Filipollas, yes it was true. We have now moved
8:39
a village that in the village is all quieter, because the city according to
8:41
the neighbor that touches you so to have a fuss and I had a neighbor
8:45
goodbye. We had talked about a church every time there was mass, it
8:48
would ring the bells. I was woken up to the kids that I was
8:52
ringing the bells so loud every time there' s mass. I think it
8:54
' s very little confidence in your product. If it' s really good,
9:00
he' ll come look down the neighborhood has no bells and by the
9:03
way, two minutes in April, they' ll pick him up home in
9:05
case something' s happened it' s already in the village. It'
9:07
s all another rhythm, all other rhythm, all you live in the city.
9:11
It' s horn today and it says go jam. I' m
9:13
in town. I hear Horns. I mean fucking melonero. It is.
9:16
It' s a very small town. Say it. It is a small
9:18
town of Asturias, very small. We are two hundred inhabitants and seeing the
9:24
middle age next year, surely we will be half. There' s a
9:28
lot of people out there walking around on the extension. Actually. In fact,
9:37
the other day there was a neighborhood meeting to see if they would put
9:41
a repeat phone and improve communication between the people I say man, for not
9:43
losing contact, I would put a daughter. Yeah. I believe I,
9:48
I believe I tell you what I think happens. I believe that, since
9:50
the road that reaches the village is narrow, death has not been able to
9:54
arrive in a long time and the work has been accumulating and the day that
9:58
it finally arrives, because it will not give enough of to let buses and
10:03
will leave there as an organized journey. The water damages above by saying to
10:05
see, please, that those born in the 19th century follow me. Let
10:09
' s go, let' s not small town, but it' s
10:20
fine. We have everything, we have bar, we have shop, we
10:24
have watertight, we have meetings. It' s all in the bar.
10:26
But we' ve got it all, the whole bar has it. What
10:30
you have no name because I have realized that in the towns, the business,
10:33
you don' t have to name it, because it will come to
10:35
you already. I mean, you set up a tea bar. Besides,
10:37
Manolo was going to be where Manolo boes is a kiosk or Tellamas. Luisa
10:41
was going to be where Luisa put a fucking tea. Besides, Germán'
10:43
s gonna be where the whores are. That' s another thing also involved
10:50
us getting into the third child, and that' s because we' ve
10:52
decided to get married at last. I was already playing not the goodbye,
10:56
single or I didn' t refuse the expected ones. Single no longer has
10:56
the incentive, not anymore. No. Now he' s a Christ.
11:00
Now it' s no use even meeting her in your town, in your
11:01
village. Let' s go get a pulp. The further away, the
11:03
better. I organized one of a colleague last year and told me my friend
11:07
Juan and I called Uncle for the farewell of this one we' re going
11:09
to do in London. There' s London. Uncle London is great,
11:15
because there we can drink and drive that colemia coto put him across the street.
11:22
Well, it' s not complicated. It' s gotten really complicated.
11:30
The solotero farewell is no longer good with come, because we go around
11:31
for dinner and then for drinks and then something that rhymes with utas. I
11:35
don' t know. Not now, now we have to do a multi
11:37
- adventure weekend. It is two years ago, in Winter we had the
11:43
ordered one and those who organized had the idea of looking, because the ordered
11:46
ones we have taken you a rural house. There in the mountains, in
11:48
Pyrenees we go in December and because maybe a little bit of freshness is not
11:56
prollamos two bottles of vodka for each one. I say good you have thought
12:00
about it and the next day we will get up soon at eight and we
12:05
will go down the mountain to hike what good idea eh thirty year olds without
12:16
sleeping drunk out loosely on the phenomenal mountain peronal i e is the Osopardo who
12:22
has become scavengers. It' s a look. This I swear to you,
12:28
it' s true that I organized. Every five minutes he took me
12:31
a colleague to put on an activity. Everyone had ideas. He was taking
12:33
one with me. Hey, man, we gotta go to some cards or
12:35
pointed carls. That' s enough. Today we have to make a claw
12:37
of perimol Painmol pointed. Hey, he hires a stripper stripper. I mean,
12:43
we' re going to have something in Spanish. Hey, if we
12:46
' re just gonna drink? And there' s already Drinking And there'
12:48
s Miran Castellano, no more fun, I don' t know, but
12:52
already when I had the list of the four things pointed out, or it
12:56
won' t give us time. Do everything, because I want to,
12:58
do it, we' re going to do it, but at the same
13:03
time it doesn' t have to be cool. Imagine he was half-
13:07
speed single. The city was riding in a car, a cubata in one
13:09
hand, a gun in the other. A new aunt hugged behind you for
13:13
a cop and says put I don' t know where to start eh hahaha
13:24
and Juanillo behind screaming. In London we had been delivered to the wedding,
13:31
Yes, the wedding, the wedding, yes, that we wanted to do.
13:33
I was already looking forward to it. Also, I was careful when
13:35
I gave the news that I married people to give contact is true, because
13:39
when you marry a friend it is a joy. When you get married five
13:43
the same year, she' s a fat fuck. I lived that three
13:46
years ago. Every time I met a friend, he gave me the same
13:48
news. I was David. Hey, man, I' m getting married
13:50
this year. I say ah for Guay Tira that we have a vogue and
13:54
good- bye and whores come Guay Then after three days I tell myself the
13:58
same thing Andrés. Hey, man, I' m getting married this year.
14:03
I was already passing the wedding in euros, not the single orders.
14:09
All right, the wedding' s a lot better. I really had a
14:13
lot better time, all right. The photos equal a long peline. The
14:16
moment is to get out of the ceremony, get out of court, get
14:20
out of the church. And the pictures there the door gets long, because
14:22
before that it marked the end the Camera of Reel. Thirty- six photos
14:26
and eating sometimes come two more. Throw thirty- eight just in case and
14:30
eat now not go to a memory card. It fits him in fifteen thousand
14:33
photos and see if there are eggs to fill it. And since we'
14:39
re deep imbeciles, we have to take all the pictures of the groups,
14:43
of everyone you can think of all the beginnings. The logic. The groom
14:45
' s family, well, the bride' s family is worth the groom
14:50
' s friends, well the bride' s friends don' t have anything
14:56
for it will be later, then, the raving begins. One saying come
14:58
on now put on whatever they know to talk. Two languages or more you
15:01
finish. Juanillo, asking me and I have done for an Italian put on,
15:05
also ponto, of course, that photo was very funny, because they
15:09
all say potato except Juanillo who comes out saying potato tatas. But the most
15:20
beautiful of the children are the children themselves. Besides, I' m sure
15:22
it' s going to change a lot now with the third, and with
15:26
the second it' s all different. With the second son changes everything from
15:28
the first. It' s not that the second one you love less.
15:30
Uh, we' re not the royal family, but you' re no
15:35
longer a first- timer and that' s a grade Look at us the
15:39
first time we separated from the oldest age to leave it with the grandparents you
15:41
already see that' s relatively safe. But I was already nervous. I
15:43
mean there, please, putting a little crimite on your ass when I put
15:46
a diaper on the inside on the outside doesn' t work. I know
15:48
from experience and he got rid of temperadito that if it' s too hot,
15:52
he spits it in his face and has aim the bastard with the little
15:56
one was already less painful. It was like Tamagola, eat up and shit
16:03
down. I mean, look at the third one. We won' t
16:07
cry anymore When we gave him up for adoption, he' s gonna leave
16:11
him on the ground. There in a blanket, ring the bell and run
16:12
away then some tear. It doesn' t make you sad and I mean,
16:17
man, yeah, the blanket was for the car. But, well,
16:21
it' s not. It' s not a wonder of the children
16:29
I recommend it. It' s wonderful. Recently we have lived a moment
16:30
with them, with the greatest moment between tender violent, funny uncomfortable, as
16:38
when you see on TV an interview with Rajoy you know that it was like
16:42
it was the moment of his first clear taco you kiss him there with his
16:47
three and a half years old, with that innocence, with that way so
16:51
funny that he has to talk like that at that age that suddenly raises his
16:55
head and says daughter of the great whore. I was angry at what I
16:57
had said, but proud of how well I had pronounced it. My wife
17:03
' s already taken him to hell. I was already in trouble blaming myself,
17:07
because I don' t know where he learned that, uh, because
17:08
I don' t say those things. Let' s see who' s
17:11
learned it. I mean, uh, don' t look at me.
17:14
Uh, I couldn' t learn that, because I didn' t say
17:17
that. She hasn' t learned it from your mother, that big bitch
17:21
' s daughter. And it' s not beautiful. The kids are beautiful.
17:27
Done, now I know things, but when it' s first-
17:30
time, there are certain things that enjoy too much. For example, the
17:33
first bath we gave the major at home alone. And we, without the
17:37
help of mother- in- laws or grandmothers, had put a portable morning
17:41
girl there in our bedroom. I took out Mario, with a week of
17:45
life, put him with the towel in the middle of our bed, turned
17:48
to take the diaper and my wife, with a lot of disappointment, told
17:52
me what you do to get a diaper, but why we' re screaming.
18:00
But how do you leave him there alone that he can drop jum to
18:10
see. He' s got seven days. The bed is two meters long
18:15
per meter fifty wide. I left the kid in the fucking geometric center.
18:22
The least it has to the edge of the bed is seventy- five centimetres
18:26
of journey, that is, how it will get there, if today it
18:29
is difficult to launder without shitting and wings that you have had a boy,
18:34
not a girl. It' s hard to find the middle ground in baby
18:41
care. It' s very very difficult, very difficult. Not to this
18:45
of the first- timer, of the alarmism for everything, or this of
18:48
the grandmothers of the village, which is that it has three months, for
18:52
it makes its own food. It' s not like I take the kids
18:55
out there for a walk, and if they' re very warm, then
18:57
they' re very warm, and then they get bad for anything. They
19:00
see me giving him a little potty and the same thing you give him those
19:03
things and then, of course, they' re allergic to everything Look at
19:06
mine. Look at mine. They were born and every month we were seeing
19:10
milk from the goat directly as it came out, without sterilizing or anything.
19:12
And so I raised nine children. Uh, well, three of them died
19:17
on me. Complicated, very complicated. I found it. Hey, I
19:23
found the middle ground in baby care. I' m an ash It'
19:27
s not for throwing flowers on me, but I' m a stepfather.
19:30
In fact, I' ve got the baby' s care so internalized that
19:33
I get out of it even when it doesn' t touch. For example,
19:36
I am, imagine, you and I are very colleagues. We meet
19:38
one day on the street and we give it to ourselves by giving an arm
19:41
and colpamaitas like this on the back. I don' t let you go
19:47
till you break out, I' ve been going for a while, and
19:48
you' re thinking. What are you doing, this asshole? But then
19:49
you throw him out and thank him. I' d like that. I
20:02
' d like my kids to do things that I like to do. I
20:03
like to do sports, for example. I' d adjust if they did
20:07
sports, too. But first they will have to learn languages because today you
20:10
either do a sport with exotic man, or it' s less sport.
20:11
Right, you do self- defense, you do shit, you do face,
20:15
you jamana and it was cool true. It' s but even for
20:18
the simplest of ranning you don' t. I don' t do reanning
20:22
yus something to run. You do fitness, no. I don' t
20:26
do fitness, I do weights, you do zumba, no, I don
20:29
' t zumbo. I' m looking at the basin. Hey what I
20:38
' m sure won' t change with the third one. It' s
20:40
gonna be what we want them to be, not that you' re having
20:42
more kids and you' re loving them less. No, because with the
20:44
children, one very beautiful thing is that with the children love does not divide,
20:48
it multiplies. That' s why I hope the third one comes with
20:52
a bread under his arm or with seven or eight, because if with three
20:56
the love multiplyes the bills and I don' t tell you boats anymore.
21:00
Thank you very much.