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What to do when you CAN'T avoid seeing or dealing with your narcissistic ex · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful folks?
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  Today we're going to be answering the question, what
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  should you do if you can't avoid seeing your narcissistic ex or
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  parent or whoever? If you, maybe if you work with
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  them, maybe if you have kids together, maybe you, if you see
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  them in public all the time, you go to the same restaurants or
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  bars or whatever. If you're new here, my name is
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  Lee Hammock. I'm a self aware narcissist and
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  welcome to another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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  So boom, welcome back folks. Welcome back, welcome back,
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  narcissistic people. What?
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  What happened? How, what should you do if you
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  can't avoid seeing them? Like if you can't go no contact.
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  That's the most, that's the main thing that people ask.
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  Like what should I do if I can't go no contact?
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  We have kids together, we work together.
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  We've, we go to the same restaurants, we go to the same
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  bars. We're, we're, we're in the same
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  friend groups or friend circles or whatnot.
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  What should you, what should I do?
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  How can I act? What should I, how can I react?
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  You know what I mean? This is the space that so many
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  people fall into, right? This is how a lot of people want
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  to handle it. This is how a lot of people
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  can't handle it and whatnot. So narcissistic people, right?
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  Love it when you can't leave them alone.
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  I know that's not your choice, right?
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  I know it's not a choice to not leave them alone.
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  That's what I'm saying. Like they love it when you are
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  forced to have to deal with them, right?
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  They love it when you're forced to have to communicate with
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  them, when you're forced to have to see them, when you're forced
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  to have to interact with them, when they when they feel like
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  they always have access to you, which is why a lot of times they
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  want to marry you, which is why a lot of times they want to have
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  kids with you, which is why a lot of times they want to move
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  you across the country or move you to a different city, move
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  you to a different area to isolate you, right.
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  They always want to have the access to your reason to reach
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  out to you. That's why sometimes they like
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  they like to dabble, dabble in the coworker, right?
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  They want, they want, they want to dabble with the coworkers and
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  whatnot. They want to have these type of
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  relationship dynamics, these, these spaces that we fall into.
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  So that's why they, they want to trap you in this situation where
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  you can't leave them alone or they want to trap you into
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  situations where they can't intentionally torture you
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  emotionally, right? They can intentionally
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  emotionally torture you because that's the, that's what some of
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  our statistic people do right there, right?
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  They intentionally get you into a space and start to emotionally
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  torture you and emotionally abuse you.
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  It really, really does. It's really, it's really the
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  space that so many people fall into, right?
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  This is how you like, what should you do?
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  Learn step one, learn to control those reactions of yours.
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  Yo, it's going to sound just super just going to sound, I'm
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  not like I'm not talking about a human narcissist or people,
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  right? But you have to learn how to
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  control those reactions because they feed off your reactions.
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  Your reactions, emotional or physical, give them power.
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  So you want to strip them of that power.
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  You have to take a deep breath and learn how to get get get
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  Zen. You know how people like the
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  people, the meditating people be floating into the air.
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  You have to be like that. You have to be at a you have to
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  be at a sit down and be so one with yourself and not reacting
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  that you float into the air when you cross your legs like you
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  just are floating up. You have to, you have to be we,
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  you know, you have to get to that point right there.
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  We don't negotiate with kids. Like, yeah, you don't want to
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  negotiate your emotions with a person.
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  You I'm, I'm putting this on threads right now.
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  We don't negotiate with emotional terrorists.
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  You see what I'm saying? You don't because they will use
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  your emotions. They will hold your emotions,
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  emotions as hostage. You see what I'm saying at Bay.
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  They will use your, you know, weaponize your emotions against
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  you. They will, they will use your
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  emotions to get you to react in a certain type of way, to get
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  you to behave in a certain type of way.
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  This is what a lot of abusive, manipulative narcissists will do
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  because they enjoy doing this type of stuff.
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  They like doing this type of stuff.
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  They it empowers them a lot of times, y'all, it really does
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  like, and this is what I tell the people like get them in, get
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  them in control. Don't give them that power.
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  You have to. Well, it's not fair.
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  Like, yo, I'm not telling you. I'm not saying it.
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  Yeah, of course it's not fair. You're dealing with an abuser is
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  not going to be fair. Dealing with somebody that is
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  trying to abuse you and some of them are trying to hurt you on
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  purpose, it's not going to be fair.
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  But learning to control those reactions can help you out so
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  much because there's there's people I talk to when I do, when
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  I'm doing my coaching calls, when I'm when I'm in my support
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  group, you can find everything@mentalillness.net.
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  I do my coaching calls to my support group, like the stuff
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  that I would do, the stuff that I like, that type of stuff right
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  there when I'm doing my coaching calls, my support group and
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  stuff like that, I tell people like it's not fair, but you have
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  to control those reactions because you sometimes your
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  reactions can get you locked up in jail.
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  Talk to a woman today. She said she reacted, her
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  partner got her locked up, then she had a restraining order put
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  on her. That happens.
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  The victim gets a restraining order put on them because
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  they're reacting to the abuse. Reactive abuse is a thing.
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  You look like the abuser. Control those reactions.
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  Another thing you can do y'all is to take your power back step
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  by step. Baby steps in the right
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  direction because narcissistic people want to make you feel
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  uncomfortable. Like you said, they want to make
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  you feel uncomfortable wherever they are.
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  They want to make you feel like they're you're uncomfortable in
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  their space. So what they what you can do is
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  start. Yeah, take your take your power
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  back. Sometimes can just involve
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  breaking that ice that you can ignore the hell out of them.
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  Yeah, Yeah, you have the ability, the power to ignore the
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  hell out of them. If it's at work, you don't have
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  to communicate with them. You don't have to communicate
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  with them, right. You can ignore them.
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  If that empowers you, you can ignore them, but sometimes it
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  can help you to break the ice around these situations because
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  sometimes you have to be able to speak to them in the work
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  environment. You can keep it cordial, BIFF,
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  brief, affirmative, firm and friendly.
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  You can keep it cordial, high and by friendly.
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  Keep the communication brief, keep it informative, keep it
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  firm and you keep it friendly. Not friends.
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  You don't have to be friends with them.
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  Friendly means hey, how you doing high and by that's
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  friendly friends or asking about your parents, how your night
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  been? How are the cheeks still
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  clapping? Whatever.
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  That's what friends do Friendly, friendly boundaries.
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  You have to be able to set boundaries and things like that
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  because boundaries helps boundaries help help you survive
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  because it's going to be hard. Like I said, if you if you're
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  not dating a Co worker and you're you, the Co worker's
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  interested in you and they got a reputation for being toxic,
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  leave money. Y'all don't get into these
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  situations because y'all don't want to be in a warehouse
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  situation where the Co, this one narcissistic Co worker that
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  slept with like 10 of y'all and you got y'all all on the string
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  and battling each other and looking silly.
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  Y'all come on now, they ain't that damn charming, you know
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  what I'm saying? They can't be that damn charming
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  10 of y'all. You see what I'm saying just
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  now? You have to take your power
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  back. You can keep it cordial.
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  You can allow yourself to move forward.
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  You don't have to give in to that power.
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  You don't have to be friends, you don't have to look, you
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  don't have to attend every argument or conversation that
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  you're invited to high and by Hey, Lee.
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  We we're in the same friend groups.
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  We're in the same. We don't work together.
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  We're in the same friend groups. We have a lot of mutual friends
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  like our families are super close together.
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  You say our families are super close.
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  So what am I supposed to do? Not go to the events?
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  Yeah, you cannot start. You can start not showing up to
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  certain events and try to make people choose between you and
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  them, or you can take your power back, show up to those events
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  and just don't be like yo beef, beef, beef.
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  Be brief and brief, informative, firm and friendly.
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  Or you can Gray rock whatever gives you the power.
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  You don't want to just get into these spaces where they they
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  shut you down and they keep you away from everybody that they
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  have you. They isolate you without
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  necessarily having to isolate you.
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  They isolate you by you, not you.
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  You choosing not to show up in the places because you feel like
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  they're going to be there. Well, Lee, I don't want to go
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  over there because they're going to be there.
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  It's going to shut you the whole life.
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  They're going to shut down a whole faction of your life.
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  Can they work for you? Can they work for you for a
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  little while? Yeah, they can work for you for
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  a little while because they they can help you heal.
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  Going no contact or low contact can help you heal.
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  Right. But that's the thing.
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  Keep it to only necessary contact.
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  Only necessary contact. ONC onk only necessary contact
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  if y'all have kids together and they're trying to trigger you in
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  front of the kids. Goose fraba Wu SA deep breath
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  because of course you want to defend yourself, but sometimes
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  you have to mitigate that in front of the kids.
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  And sometimes they'll try to start arguments in front of the
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  kids because they know you don't want to yell and fight and
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  scream, but they do. And then when you start raising
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  your voices like you doing this in front of the kids, wow wow
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  what a parent. What parent of the you, you are.
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  Look how you're acting in front of our children.
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  You're the parent of the year Rabble, rabble rabble, blah blah
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  blah, Boo Boo Boo BBB. This happens to so many people,
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  y'all, I promise you, this is the one of the ways you combat
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  this is by taking your power back and controlling those.
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  I, I keep going back to controlling your reactions
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  because it's so important. It just is, y'all, controlling
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  your reactions is a superpower that you need to develop, that
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  you need to practice. It's a it's a, it's a muscle
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  that you need to work out. Look controlling your reactions.
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  It looks like this at first. This is how this is how you're
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  you're controlling your reactions muscle looks at first,
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  you ain't worked it out. You don't know how to control
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  those reactions, Lee. I just react to everything, but
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  we go no contact. You start watching videos, you
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  start doing, you see what I'm saying?
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  You start building these, you start building, you start
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  reading books. So I've got no contact and no
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  contact muscle. They had no contact.
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  They low contact muscle. They're controlling your
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  reaction muscle. They just start it just start
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  building itself up. You have to build it up.
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  You have to work it out like a muscle.
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  It's hard to turn it, hard to turn it on and off like a light
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  switch, right? So you want to go no contact or
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  low contact, a brief, informative, firm and friendly
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  to be able to control those reactions.
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  You want to get control of those reactions.
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  The more you get control of your reactions, the stronger and the
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  better off you will be. The better your life will be,
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  the better quality of life you will live because you're in
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  control of your reactions. You just are.
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  It empowers you to be in control of your reaction.
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  You're stronger, you're better off when you are in control of
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  your reactions. You just absolutely are y'all.
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  You are. So keep it brief.
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  Keep it if keep it brief, informative, firm and friendly.
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  If you have to see this person in public, if you have to see
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  this person at work, BIFF Gray Rock low contact.
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  You don't have to talk to him if it's not your supervisor or
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  boss, y'all not in the same office setting.
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  You're just on the same floor. If you don't have to contact
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  them, don't contact them. You don't want to get to the
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  point where you just have to avoid them every single day for
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  a year or 234510 years. Y'all, that's just you have to
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  you have to you're working around them all the time.
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  You just like trying to they're, they go to the water cooler at
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  10:00. I can't go there at 10.
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  You don't get to the point where you you get tired of changing
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  your patterns around just to to avoid them.
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  Take your power back little by little, step by step, piece by
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  piece. It works y'all.
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  It can help you out. Low contact only only necessary
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  contact ONC you only do a necessary contact.
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  We're not going above beyond. We're not trying to establish a
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  friendship. I have to be friends.
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  No, you don't have to be friends.
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  You can be friendly. You don't have to be friends
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  with this person because y'all work together.
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  Y'all have the same friend groups or whatever best as they
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  be abusive. Hell no, we don't be friend, not
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  be friend and abusers. We're not being friends with
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  abusers like abusive people like that, y'all.
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  But of course, y'all. As always, thank you for tuning
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  into another episode. I truly appreciate y'all.
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  You made it this far. Hit that subscribe button.
• 11:26
  I will be forever thankful if we continue to grow and push
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  towards an elusive half a million.
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  I'm starting my interview series here pretty soon.
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  Y'all make you like to subscribe.
• 11:35
  And as always, until this is out, peace.
• 11:38
  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
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  I am extremely grateful for you. Have no idea.
• 11:42
  If you haven't already, make sure you go ahead and subscribe
• 11:44
  to the channel helps reach more people and click on the screen
• 11:47
  to watch another video or to browse to another playlist.
• 11:49
  There's also a link on the screen to check out my courses
• 11:52
  and my support groups to help you heal and understand what
• 11:54
  you've been through. Thank you so much again.
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  I will see you in the next video.
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  Peace.