Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 147: The 3 Stages of People-Pleaser Recovery

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147: The 3 Stages of People-Pleaser Recovery · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I'm the life coach for the helpers, the healers and the people pleasers.
• 0:27
  And I'm really excited about today's episode because when you've been coaching for as long as I have, it's really easy to make the false assumption that you've addressed something.
• 0:36
  When the truth is you have not maybe addressed it as explicitly as you thought.
• 0:41
  So I often have these realizations when I'm on a coaching call and I realized, oh, I haven't actually explained this in the way that I would like.
• 0:48
  So today we're going to be talking about the three stages of people pleasing and how they show up for you.
• 0:54
  Now, just know that with each of these stages, there's going to be some ways that the stage is going to make you feel comfortable.
• 0:58
  And then some ways that the stage is going to make you feel uncomfortable.
• 1:02
  The goal for today is to recognize where you're at from a guilt-free and self-compassionate space.
• 1:06
  Right?
• 1:06
  I don't want you to be guilting or shaming yourself thinking, well, I should be somewhere else or I can't believe I'm here.
• 1:12
  I just want you to be curiously and compassionately aware of where you are.
• 1:16
  So that you can just be more honest with yourself about where you're at and come up with a more clear plan moving forward.
• 1:21
  There is going to be comfort and discomfort in every stage.
• 1:25
  And generally speaking, it's when we're moving from one stage to the next that's, when we're going to be experiencing the most discomfort.
• 1:32
  These are just growing pains.
• 1:33
  Okay.
• 1:34
  They do not mean that you're off track.
• 1:35
  They actually mean that you are on track.
• 1:38
  So let's kind of just break this down.
• 1:40
  So stage one is the people pleaser.
• 1:42
  And this is the stage where we are highly accommodating of other people.
• 1:47
  Often at our own expense.
• 1:49
  So in this stage, we are prioritizing the emotions and the needs of other people above our own.
• 1:54
  And we do so because we're believing that this will make other people happy and by extension, it will make us happy if we treat them well, they will treat us well and all will be well.
• 2:05
  Right?
• 2:06
  And we have the belief that this will bring us peace and security and acceptance when we're people pleasing.
• 2:12
  At this stage, then we're operating under a unspoken and self-imposed contract where essentially we're thinking, if I do this for them, then they'll start to show up for me in the ways that I need.
• 2:23
  But these silent agreements, they're often one sided.
• 2:27
  And that means that usually they're not going to be creating the reciprocation that we're looking for.
• 2:31
  They aren't going to show up for us.
• 2:33
  So here's some common phrases that you might hear yourself saying, or that you might hear other people saying if they're deeply rooted in stage one, people pleasing.
• 2:42
  And as I share these, I'm also going to be sharing some of the hidden beliefs that are driving them.
• 2:46
  So some of these hidden beliefs, I say they're hidden beliefs because we might not be consciously aware of them.
• 2:51
  More than likely.
• 2:53
  Depending on how close you are to stage two, you might just be believing these things subconsciously and have no idea how it is that they're impacting you in your day to day life.
• 3:01
  You might have the belief that no, this is just what I'm supposed to do for other people.
• 3:05
  There's no secret ulterior motive.
• 3:07
  And then as you move on and get closer to stage two, you might start to realize that, oh, but I also have needs, but we'll get into that in just a minute.
• 3:15
  So first, some of the thoughts that you might be sharing, you might hear other people saying, oh, well, it's no problem at all.
• 3:22
  They might be saying that, but underneath, they might be thinking.
• 3:25
  Well, if I say, no, they're not going to like me anymore.
• 3:29
  They're saying it through self-preservation.
• 3:31
  Okay.
• 3:32
  Number two.
• 3:32
  Oh, whatever works for you.
• 3:34
  It sounds great, that's just fine.
• 3:35
  Now.
• 3:36
  All of this, it sounds really good on the surface, but underneath, they might be thinking.
• 3:40
  Well, my needs aren't as important as theirs.
• 3:43
  And so I just need to self sacrifice because my needs are less valid in some way.
• 3:50
  All right.
• 3:50
  Number three, they might be saying, oh, it's okay.
• 3:52
  I'll take care of it.
• 3:53
  No big deal.
• 3:54
  Whereas underneath they might be thinking, okay, well, if I handle everything, then maybe I'll be seen as valuable and needed.
• 4:01
  And they'll actually see my contribution and see my worth.
• 4:04
  It's all about proving self to self, essentially.
• 4:09
  All right.
• 4:09
  Number four.
• 4:10
  Well, I just want everybody to be happy.
• 4:12
  This again, sounds so good on the surface, right?
• 4:15
  But they might have that hidden belief that, well, if everybody else is happy, Then maybe they'll start to accept me.
• 4:22
  And do things to make me happy.
• 4:25
  All right.
• 4:25
  Number five.
• 4:25
  Oh, I don't mind staying up late to help.
• 4:29
  Again, it sounds very accommodating, it sounds very positive and people might be like, oh, that's wonderful that they're willing to stay up late to help out, but underneath, and there might be a hidden belief that, well, maybe if I go above and beyond, then they'll start to appreciate me.
• 4:43
  And maybe they'll start to include me more and not leave me out as much.
• 4:46
  I just need to be there.
• 4:49
  All right.
• 4:49
  Number six.
• 4:50
  Oh, I totally understand why you're doing this.
• 4:53
  I totally understand why you're not accommodating me.
• 4:55
  I totally understand why you're not available when I'm asking you for help and support.
• 5:00
  Now you might be saying these things, even if you really have no idea and you cannot possibly understand why they're choosing to not reciprocate.
• 5:08
  You're going to be saying out loud.
• 5:09
  Oh no, I totally understand.
• 5:11
  Oh, it's fine.
• 5:11
  I know that you can't accommodate me.
• 5:13
  But essentially this is coming from the hidden belief that, well, I just hope that they'll come to accept me.
• 5:18
  It might also come from the thought that, well, it's okay for them to say no, but it's not okay for me to say no.
• 5:24
  We already know that we're going to love and accept them no matter what.
• 5:27
  But the part that we're questioning is if they will love and accept us if we ask the same of them.
• 5:34
  All right.
• 5:34
  Number seven.
• 5:35
  No, let's just keep the peace.
• 5:36
  It's no big deal.
• 5:37
  I just want to keep the peace.
• 5:39
  This one is extremely common.
• 5:42
  We think, oh no, it's just better for me to keep the peace.
• 5:44
  I don't want to be the one that stirs up conflict.
• 5:47
  That would be horrible.
• 5:47
  I don't want to be that person.
• 5:49
  But underneath, they might be thinking.
• 5:52
  Jeez, like conflict is scary.
• 5:54
  And it's just better to avoid it.
• 5:55
  It's safer for me to not give voice to what it is that I'm thinking and feeling right now.
• 6:00
  It's just safer to not state a boundary.
• 6:03
  And if I feel safer, then I'll feel better.
• 6:06
  Right.
• 6:06
  And this kind of gives us the impression that something is in my control, because if we're not speaking up.
• 6:12
  And we're experiencing a situation where we feel like everything is out of our control.
• 6:16
  Then us choosing to keep the peace to remain silent.
• 6:18
  That's basically the only thing that we have is in our control.
• 6:21
  Right.
• 6:21
  So it creates this false sense of control over situations that are out of our control.
• 6:27
  All right.
• 6:27
  Number eight.
• 6:27
  Oh, I really don't have any preference.
• 6:30
  This might be where you're going to go to eat what movie you're going to see.
• 6:33
  It could be anything.
• 6:35
  And when you're saying this out loud, you might be thinking, well, maybe if I'm highly accommodating of them, then they'll start to insist that I will get what I want next time.
• 6:45
  Right.
• 6:45
  We have this silent contract in our head that somehow this will come back to serve us.
• 6:50
  Now, oftentimes in my practice, if somebody is telling me that they don't have a preference on something.
• 6:55
  They might even say, well, no, I don't know.
• 6:57
  I don't know what I want.
• 6:59
  And they're telling me this for one of two reasons.
• 7:02
  Either.
• 7:02
  They actually don't know what it is that they like, because they've spent so much of their life accommodating other people that they've never worked to develop that part of self.
• 7:10
  Or they think that, well, if I just tell him, like I have no preference, then maybe eventually they'll insist that I get my way and oh no, no.
• 7:18
  I insist.
• 7:19
  I decided last time where we went to eat, you get to choose and then they'll finally have an opportunity.
• 7:25
  To voice their opinion, but essentially they need the other person to insist that they do it.
• 7:29
  Right, now if you're the first person where you're kind of thinking, no, I really honestly have no preference.
• 7:34
  I don't even know what I want.
• 7:35
  I know I've referenced it here on the podcast before, but I love the scene in runaway bride.
• 7:40
  When the news reporter sits down with her and makes her every kind of eggs and I get it, this might be an expensive experiment these days.
• 7:47
  But he makes her eggs in all the ways.
• 7:49
  And has her sit down and try eggs so that she can determine for herself how she likes her eggs.
• 7:56
  So it might just be an underdeveloped muscle for you.
• 7:59
  I encourage you to take some time to figure out what it is that you do and don't like, so that when you are presented with an opportunity to make your opinion known, you'll have an opinion to share.
• 8:11
  Now for the other people that are saying well, I'm just really hoping that they'll insist again, it's an underdeveloped muscle.
• 8:17
  Practice leaning into that discomfort practice actually stating your opinion.
• 8:21
  No, that the worst case scenario is that they'll say no.
• 8:24
  Right?
• 8:24
  I know that for me personally, I had one friend that anytime we went out, I knew she did not want to go to my favorite restaurant.
• 8:31
  And I just decided for myself that's okay.
• 8:34
  When she asks me where I want to go, even though I want to go to my favorite restaurant because it's human nature to want to go to your favorite restaurant.
• 8:40
  I can know that, okay, I can go and eat there with other people, but when it's with her, I'm going to suggest some other things that I know are things that she would also enjoy.
• 8:49
  But, but I can still vocalize my opinion.
• 8:52
  Right.
• 8:52
  I can still make it known that.
• 8:54
  Oh yeah, sure.
• 8:54
  I would, you know, even though thai my absolute favorite.
• 8:57
  I could say, oh yeah, sure, mexican is great.
• 8:59
  I am okay with Mexican.
• 9:01
  But it's coming from a different place.
• 9:03
  It's not coming from me being resentful that we aren't going out for Thai food, but instead be having a heart of peace of okay, I can know and understand and appreciate that she doesn't like Thai food.
• 9:13
  And I can find things that I like at the local Mexican restaurant.
• 9:16
  Right.
• 9:17
  So being open to that.
• 9:19
  So as I'm sharing these different thoughts, be a curious observer of your own thoughts.
• 9:24
  Notice if any of those stood out for you.
• 9:26
  And just kind of bring it into your conscious awareness.
• 9:29
  When you find that you are people pleasing, ask yourself why.
• 9:33
  Ask yourself what is coming up for you?
• 9:35
  And see if you can get to a little bit of a deeper level there.
• 9:38
  Now a lot of these statements, then they're revealing a pattern of self sacrifice where the people pleaser is continuously suppressing their own wants, needs, and desires often without realizing it.
• 9:50
  Now the problem with this is that this stage, it does create that false sense of security.
• 9:56
  The belief that making other people happy will guarantee our own happiness, it keeps us stuck in a very exhausting cycle.
• 10:02
  Like I said, you cannot live off of breadcrumbs.
• 10:05
  And over time, this leaves us feeling drained, resentful, and burned out.
• 10:09
  And not only that, but people pleasers, they make their wellbeing conditional upon others.
• 10:15
  So essentially they're assuming that they can control how others feel, but really that is something completely out of our control.
• 10:21
  And we think if I can control how they show up, then I will feel better inside of me.
• 10:27
  But often these people pleasers find themselves in relationship with people where they have no intention of reciprocating, the relationship is working for them.
• 10:34
  So they're not super motivated to change.
• 10:37
  So they may or may not show up in the way that you would like.
• 10:40
  And the goal is to figure out how to get your needs met and choose into the relationships that are going to be able to be mutually fulfilling.
• 10:47
  People pleasers tend to stay in this stage of the people pleasing recovery cycle, because they're convincing themselves that, well, maybe if I just try harder, maybe if I just try a different way, maybe then I'll start to get the validation or the acknowledgement or the love or the affection that I'm actually craving right now.
• 11:05
  But instead of fulfillment, then oftentimes they end up feeling very emotionally depleted.
• 11:10
  They feel like they're constantly walking on eggshells.
• 11:13
  They feel like they're constantly guessing at what buttons to push in order to finally get the reward.
• 11:19
  So it can be very disorienting in this stage because everything is conditional upon external factors for how it is that we are feeling internally.
• 11:27
  And let's be honest.
• 11:28
  It is super exhausting when you're exerting so much energy into trying to control things that are out of your control.
• 11:34
  No wonder you're feeling drained.
• 11:37
  So that is stage one.
• 11:38
  Okay.
• 11:39
  And now we're going to jump into stage two, which is waking up to the injustice.
• 11:45
  Now while stage one can be super exhausting, stage two can feel pretty uncomfortable for people pleasers.
• 11:51
  Because they're just now being faced with all of the injustices, many of which have been self-created.
• 11:58
  So they have essentially spent their entire life fine tuning their ability to read other people, to anticipate their reactions, to adapt to different situations, to keep the peace.
• 12:07
  And this has felt safe and predictable.
• 12:11
  Until now.
• 12:12
  So now they're entering into phase two.
• 12:14
  And when it comes to phase two, now they're really coming to terms with this big wake up call of, oh, this is not working for me.
• 12:20
  Right.
• 12:21
  So suddenly they're starting to see the imbalances that they themselves have created their relationships.
• 12:28
  They're starting to notice how it is that they've shown up for other people only to be met with silence when they are in need of support.
• 12:35
  And so essentially what happens is they're entering into stage two recognizing that this injustice has finally reached a point where I can no longer ignore it.
• 12:44
  I could kind of shrug it off before and be like, oh, it's not a big deal.
• 12:47
  They're just maybe having a rough day.
• 12:49
  I was making excuses for other people.
• 12:51
  I cannot make excuses for them anymore.
• 12:54
  That is stepping into that stage two injustice energy.
• 12:58
  It's recognizing that this isn't working for you.
• 13:01
  So I want to share a few of the common realizations that emerged from the stage.
• 13:05
  So in this stage, you might be thinking thoughts like, oh, It looks like I was just valued for what I could do for them and not for who I am.
• 13:14
  My kindness was taken for granted while other people made very little effort to reciprocate.
• 13:20
  When I finally expressed my needs, I felt dismissed.
• 13:23
  And like my voice didn't matter.
• 13:26
  I was expected to be endlessly understanding.
• 13:30
  While other people were free to set boundaries without guilt and not only without guilt, but sometimes even made me feel guilty.
• 13:36
  When I set a boundary.
• 13:37
  That's not fair.
• 13:40
  People who constantly take, they rarely stop to check in if the givers okay, because they'd never had to, others seem to operate by a different set of rules, right.
• 13:50
  Where their needs always come first.
• 13:52
  And so maybe recognizing, well, I'm apologizing for things that weren't even my fault.
• 13:56
  In an effort to keep the peace and they were never actually taking any of the accountability for the problems in the relationship.
• 14:04
  So essentially it's like, you both have a rule book now where historically you have both in your rule book put their needs first and neglected your own needs.
• 14:14
  And so coming to terms with that fact that, oh, I signed up for this, I signed up to take on their rule book and now I need to kind of rewrite this.
• 14:24
  Right.
• 14:24
  So that's the empowering part is yes.
• 14:26
  Maybe some of these things were things that you signed up for in the beginning.
• 14:31
  And also, you can always change your mind.
• 14:34
  You are free to change your mind, and once you're able to see and recognize the injustices happening, that's what's going to help power and motivate that change.
• 14:44
  It's a recognizing I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now and something needs to change because this isn't sustainable for me.
• 14:52
  Now this stage, it really can bring up a whole whirlwind of emotions.
• 14:56
  So at this stage, then you might actually be experiencing some anger, grief, exhaustion, or even self doubt and insecurity.
• 15:06
  Many of my clients when they reach this point, it's really, really uncomfortable for them and they might start to question if the changes that they're making are worth it.
• 15:13
  Because they're trying to do things that they've never done before.
• 15:17
  Right.
• 15:17
  So it is deeply unsettling.
• 15:19
  They might start asking a lot of questions to see if they're actually on the right path, because they might be wondering, okay, well, am I just being selfish?
• 15:26
  Is this a me problem?
• 15:28
  Am I the one that has created this mess?
• 15:31
  But here's the thing is when you hit the injustice stage, when you start to see these injustices, you can't help, but call them out.
• 15:38
  You can't help but address it.
• 15:40
  It's kind of like in the wizard of Oz, once you see the man behind the curtain, That's all you can see, Once you have seen the injustice, you can't unsee it..
• 15:50
  And at this stage, then they might actually be believing the stories that everybody else has been telling them that, that, no, it's your fault.
• 15:56
  No, I can't believe that you look behind the curtain.
• 15:58
  No, you needed to just go back to where you were, right.
• 16:00
  It was working for them.
• 16:02
  And this starts to create that self doubt where they might be asking themselves, well, am I being selfish?
• 16:07
  Am I just not doing it right.
• 16:08
  Should I just try harder?
• 16:10
  There's a lot of guilt.
• 16:12
  And there's a lot of self blame in this stage, and that is completely normal.
• 16:18
  It is normal for you to feel uncomfortable in this stage.
• 16:20
  And it is not a sign that something is wrong.
• 16:22
  It is actually a sign that growth is happening.
• 16:25
  It is a good thing to be in this stage, even though it's uncomfortable.
• 16:29
  It's really uncomfortable because we're finally being met with what it is that we've created.
• 16:34
  And that's always uncomfortable to face that.
• 16:36
  Right.
• 16:36
  But it is a sign of growth when you are experiencing that discomfort.
• 16:39
  This discomfort means that the status quo is no longer working for you and that something needs to change.
• 16:45
  It is recognizing the imbalance.
• 16:48
  So it can be corrected.
• 16:50
  Without experiencing this deep sense of injustice than many people, they would just remain stuck in that same cycle of stage one, where they keep trying to hit the button and get the reward.
• 16:59
  But they're just not feeling fulfilled.
• 17:01
  Stage two is necessary.
• 17:03
  They would be stuck in stage one indefinitely without this big wake-up call.
• 17:08
  And they would be forever confused about, well, I just don't know why my needs aren't being met because I'm doing all of the things.
• 17:13
  Right.
• 17:14
  I'm making everybody happy.
• 17:15
  So they should be doing the same for me.
• 17:17
  I don't know why I'm feeling so depleted because it should be making me feel amazing inside.
• 17:22
  Right.
• 17:22
  So they're going to be telling themselves those stories.
• 17:25
  But they're not actually taking action when they're in stage one and once they experienced enough injustices, then that's going to trigger that change.
• 17:34
  And that will lead to creating more balanced and supportive relationships.
• 17:38
  So we need the injustice stage.
• 17:39
  It is a natural part of personal development.
• 17:44
  So reflect when you are in the stage, start to self reflect, you can actually start to reflect on what it is.
• 17:50
  I need to change this moment.
• 17:51
  Right.
• 17:51
  It's bringing in that self-awareness so asking questions about what is it that I need right now?
• 17:56
  What is this emotion here to teach me?
• 17:58
  How can I create change?
• 18:00
  What steps can I take today to reclaim my power, to reclaim my own wellbeing, to be more in control of my emotions and my own personal wellbeing?
• 18:10
  So, this is where the discomfort actually really deepens a little bit, because this is when the real work begins in this stage then you start to do things that you've never done before.
• 18:19
  So, yeah, of course you feel uncomfortable.
• 18:21
  This is all new.
• 18:22
  You have never set boundaries before you have never vocalized your own opinion.
• 18:26
  You haven't even taken the time to identify what your opinion is.
• 18:29
  You've never made a request of another person and you might not have ever told anybody"no." And this really is putting you a little bit at risk, right?
• 18:38
  Because maybe they won't like it.
• 18:40
  Maybe they will be disappointed because you've never said no before.
• 18:44
  This is new for everybody.
• 18:46
  So, let me remind you that.
• 18:47
  Yeah, you've never said no before up until this point, because the risk of disappointing others was greater than the risk of disappointing yourself.
• 18:56
  So once you recognize the injustice, then you're able to see that, oh, wait a second.
• 19:00
  No, that's not fair for me to prioritize everyone else over me because my needs are at least as valid as the next person's.
• 19:09
  So notice if you find yourself thinking thoughts like, oh, I can't believe I let it go this far.
• 19:13
  I feel so taken advantage of what is wrong with me.
• 19:16
  Why didn't I see this sooner?
• 19:18
  How could I been so blind?
• 19:19
  Why did I let them treat me that way for so long?
• 19:22
  These thoughts are painful because they're challenging the foundation that you've built your whole identity on.
• 19:28
  And this discomfort is actually a beautiful and significant sign that you are stepping into phase two or stage.
• 19:36
  two, a people pleaser recovery.
• 19:39
  Also in the stage, notice that there may be some fear coming up.
• 19:42
  So maybe there's some fear around, well, if I assert myself, then it's going to make me less lovable.
• 19:47
  I'll be alone.
• 19:48
  Or maybe you're thinking.
• 19:49
  I should've just known better.
• 19:51
  Then you're blaming yourself for not recognizing the imbalanced sooner, even though you were doing the best that you could with the tools that you had at the time, or maybe you're thinking, well, maybe this is just how relationships work.
• 20:01
  It should be fine.
• 20:02
  I should just accept it.
• 20:04
  This means that you may be doubting your own judgment.
• 20:06
  You're doubting your own experience when you're recognizing these injustices.
• 20:10
  So after years of being conditioned to accept one sided dynamics as normal, then maybe you're thinking, well, maybe I'm just being selfish and then equating self-care with selfishness, because essentially you were taught that your worth is tied to how much you have to give, rather than who you are.
• 20:26
  Or maybe you're thinking, well, I just don't know who I am without people pleasing I'm probably going to become a really obnoxious bratty, snotty person I'm going to become so selfish.
• 20:35
  So, no, it's the nice thing to do to be a people pleaser.
• 20:38
  This is more common than you think, but I just want you to know you're not going to turn into some like mega beast that is super-duper selfish.
• 20:46
  There's a difference between setting boundaries and seeking out these balanced reciprocal relationships and becoming a big fat jerk.
• 20:52
  And my listeners, I'm telling you what, has ever turned into a big fat jerk.
• 20:58
  So, yes, there's some discomfort here.
• 21:00
  It might mean accepting that some people just won't like the new you.
• 21:03
  Because they actually benefited from your silence and your people pleasing.
• 21:07
  But it also means reclaiming yourself and that is always worth it.
• 21:11
  So if you are in stage two, try asking yourself, okay.
• 21:15
  What is right about the fact that I'm seeing this right now?
• 21:18
  What do I deserve moving forward?
• 21:20
  How can I start choosing me today?
• 21:23
  This discomfort is not your enemy, but it is a compass pointing you towards the life that is more balanced and supportive for you.
• 21:31
  Your voice matters just as much as everyone else's.
• 21:35
  And that's going to lead into stage three.
• 21:37
  This is where it's more healthy, more balanced and boundaried.
• 21:41
  Um, so we're going to.
• 21:42
  Refer to this as like the healthy ego stage.
• 21:44
  Okay.
• 21:45
  So the healthy ego, once we've really wrestled with the injustice of our situation.
• 21:49
  Then we can finally step into creating that lasting change for self.
• 21:53
  This is the stage where we set healthy boundaries, where we voice our opinions, where we say"no", when saying"yes" would compromise our own personal wellbeing.
• 22:01
  And this is where the magic really happens.
• 22:05
  That being said, it's not all magic.
• 22:07
  Like I said, there are going to be places where you feel more comfortable and less comfortable in each of these stages.
• 22:13
  So yes, in this stage you will be gaining the ability to say"no" and that feels amazing.
• 22:18
  And so empowering.
• 22:20
  And also in this stage, we begin to face something that we haven't encountered yet in the earlier stages.
• 22:26
  And that is allowing other people to just be disappointed in us.
• 22:31
  Up until now, then the relationship dynamic has really been looking out for the other person.
• 22:36
  Right.
• 22:36
  They were always getting what they wanted.
• 22:38
  And it was assumed that you wanted the same thing because that's what you led them to believe.
• 22:43
  Right.
• 22:43
  You were saying no problem.
• 22:44
  Sure.
• 22:44
  I'd love to.
• 22:45
  So now that you're beginning to assert your boundaries and say, actually that's not going to work for me.
• 22:51
  The other person might feel a little bit blindsided.
• 22:53
  Stay the course.
• 22:55
  It is okay for them to be a little bit disappointed.
• 22:58
  You may need time to adjust to the new boundaries, right?
• 23:00
  You're both going to need time to adjust to the new boundaries, but work through the discomfort to make this the new normal.
• 23:07
  Okay.
• 23:08
  You have spent years being uncomfortable for the sake of others and it wasn't working for you.
• 23:14
  It is actually highly beneficial right now, you've spent all that time being uncomfortable in the relationship, it is highly beneficial for this relationship.
• 23:21
  For the other person to experience a bit of discomfort right now.
• 23:25
  You are practicing and learning to say no.
• 23:28
  They are practicing and learning how to receive a no from you.
• 23:34
  And that's going to create some growing pains.
• 23:36
  There's always a little bit of discomfort when it comes to growth.
• 23:40
  And that's true for both of you.
• 23:43
  So the one that you're engaging with, they have grown accustomed to you being their go-to for everything.
• 23:47
  And as that changes, then they might even ask you questions like, well, wait a second, this isn't right.
• 23:53
  Are you okay?
• 23:54
  Are we okay?
• 23:55
  They're going to be a little bit uncomfortable as you make those changes, but stay the course and practice being okay with letting them be uncomfortable.
• 24:04
  This discomfort is actually very beneficial for the relationship.
• 24:07
  It encourages them to seek support from other people instead of relying solely on you.
• 24:12
  It gives them an opportunity to step up and create equity rather than just taking from you, and when you stop automatically saying yes to everything, then they may start to recognize how much it is that they were actually relying on you.
• 24:25
  They may start to see the imbalance.
• 24:28
  And this shift, yeah, it can lead to some discomfort, but it can also lead to more balance.
• 24:33
  It can lead to more mutually respectful relationships where they appreciate your efforts rather than taking your efforts for granted.
• 24:42
  For those who truly value you and not just what you do for them, this stage can actually strengthen your connection.
• 24:50
  It can foster deeper, more meaningful and more honest communication, instead of operating under these silent one-way contracts and assumptions.
• 24:58
  Both parties in this stage, get the chance to express their real needs, expectations and boundaries.
• 25:05
  Relationships that felt one sided and draining can become more authentic, supportive, and sustainable.
• 25:11
  Additionally in the stage, it helps other people to develop their own emotional resilience, their own personal problem solving abilities.
• 25:19
  They have relied on you to do probably a significant amount of their emotional processing.
• 25:25
  They haven't had to experience discomfort because you've accommodated them.
• 25:28
  Now is a time for you to grow emotionally and for them to grow.
• 25:33
  Emotionally.
• 25:34
  Because this people pleasing, it was probably ultimately leading to they're under development in these areas.
• 25:42
  So you having personal boundaries, it actually gives them an opportunity to grow.
• 25:47
  Whether it's learning how to manage their own emotions or seeking support from multiple sources or practicing reciprocity and relationship, it is beneficial for both of you.
• 25:57
  Now the truth is that not everybody is going to like these changes, right?
• 26:00
  The truth is that some people are going to flat out resist these changes.
• 26:04
  So they might resist your boundaries.
• 26:06
  They might guilt trip you, they might try to push you back into old patterns.
• 26:10
  But here's the truth is the relationships that can't withstand your growth, they were never healthy to begin with.
• 26:17
  And I understand that this can be a challenge to work through.
• 26:21
  There is a lot of emotional processing when it comes to letting go of these unsupportive relationships.
• 26:26
  When you've invested so much into our relationship, it can be really, really hard to let it go.
• 26:31
  And there is some grief that comes with that.
• 26:34
  So if you need help and support navigating that come and work with me.
• 26:38
  I have been there and I totally get it and I can help you to get through it.
• 26:42
  That being said, the relationships that do grow with you that do respect your boundaries and that do respect your changes, these relationships are going to become even stronger and more balanced and more fulfilling than ever before.
• 26:59
  Growth is uncomfortable and it's not a bad thing.
• 27:02
  Boundaries do not hurt relationships.
• 27:04
  They actually clarify them.
• 27:06
  The people who truly care about you, they will adjust and it will be okay.
• 27:11
  You are currently teaching people how to treat you through the actions and behaviors that you're willing to tolerate.
• 27:17
  Right now, you are waking up.
• 27:19
  You're probably, if you're listening right now, you're probably in stage two right now, and you're learning how to state those boundaries.
• 27:25
  You're learning how to create that balanced reciprocation.
• 27:29
  Right now you're recognizing the injustices and you're recognizing that no, this isn't working for me and I need a little bit more than what I'm getting, I need a little bit more than those breadcrumbs.
• 27:38
  I know that I've been conditioned to believe that this is all that I need in relationship.
• 27:42
  But I'm seeing now that I need a little bit more.
• 27:46
  You're waking up to that.
• 27:47
  And you're teaching other people through your boundary setting, not only how to treat you, but you're also teaching them how to better take care of themselves.
• 27:56
  It is mutually beneficial.
• 27:58
  You're teaching them how to problem solve.
• 28:00
  In this stage, it's not just about saying no to other people, it is about saying yes to yourself, to your own wellbeing, to the kind of relationships that truly nourish you.
• 28:10
  And that's the real magic.
• 28:12
  So each stage is going to come with its own mix of comfort and discomfort in stage one.
• 28:16
  Yes, it feels very familiar, but it's also completely draining and unsustainable.
• 28:21
  We cannot people please forever.
• 28:23
  Otherwise our needs won't be met.
• 28:25
  Right.
• 28:25
  And so then in stage two, yes, it's deeply uncomfortable because we're waking up to what is, and the imbalances that we have created, but this is a necessary stage of growth.
• 28:34
  And it is vital for our own personal wake-up call and to create change in relationship.
• 28:39
  And then in stage three, it is so freeing to finally be able to acknowledge and give voice to our own needs.
• 28:45
  And it also requires a lot of courage and resilience as we allow other people to be a little bit uncomfortable as we make these changes.
• 28:53
  And as we set boundaries for the first time in our lives, So be patient with yourselves.
• 28:58
  Ultimately living a well boundaried life benefits, everybody involved.
• 29:02
  It ensures that our relationships are built on mutual respect and not silent contracts.
• 29:07
  It allows us to be loved for who we are and not just what we do for other people.
• 29:13
  And it creates space for deeper, more authentic relationships.
• 29:18
  Now, if this episode has resonated with you, number one, you're not alone.
• 29:22
  Welcome to the podcast.
• 29:23
  And number two, please make sure that you're subscribed here so I can continue to offer support and insights on your personal journey.
• 29:31
  I'm also going to put all my contact information in the show notes, come and follow me on social media.
• 29:35
  I'm on basically all of the platforms.
• 29:37
  So come and find me there.
• 29:39
  Um, and yeah, if you would like help and support around your own personal journey, if you are a recovering people, pleaser, a highly sensitive person, um, come and work with me.
• 29:50
  I would love to work with you.
• 29:52
  Additionally, as you've noticed in the last two episodes, I've been offering places where you could come to donate if you would like to sponsor a coaching call for someone in need.
• 30:01
  Um, so there is a link down in there for that.
• 30:03
  Thank you so much to those of you that have donated.
• 30:05
  It really does make a difference.
• 30:08
  And as I said, I do have a handful of scholarships currently available or sponsorships rather, I have a handful of sponsorships available.
• 30:15
  So if you would like to work with me and you're struggling financially, come and take advantage of one of those sponsorships, I would love to work with you.
• 30:24
  All right.
• 30:24
  Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 30:26
  Bye now.